11AM ≠ 7:30AM..."There was a detour"...through where, China?!?!

If you are more than 10 min late for an appointment you should call.

If you call about being late and say I'll be there by shortly you should probably not show up an hour and a half - two hours later.

If you KNOW someone is staying home from work for you to do a job BE COURTEOUS, BE ON TIME!

If you tell me you are getting to my house at 7:30 and don't show up until 11:00, we have a problem

If you then leave at 2:00 for "lunch" and don't come back until 4:00, We have a Problem

If you then leave at 5:00 because "reasons" and will come back tomorrow...We.Have.A.Problem

If you tell me a job will only take 5 days and we are going on 3 weeks...WE HAVE A F**KING PROBLEM

You know what you being late tells me.

     - It tells me that you don't respect me.
     - It tells me that my time is not important to you
     - It tells me that you CLEARLY don't want a referral
     - It tells me you are UNPROFESSIONAL and a TW@T

Look I know "contractors" are their own bosses usually.  And I know its "common" for them to kinda make their own schedules but being over 2 hours late is f**king unacceptable.

I have the ability to work from wherever MOST OF THE TIME.  So when this "project" started and was supposed to take 5 days, we were fine...even if he showed up stupid late every day.

But he farted around and only worked a few hours a day.  Well guess what?  $hit is going DOWN at my place of employment and I HAVE to be in meetings...meetings that are lasting into the wee evening hours.  Meetings that are consuming my life.

Now this numpty is ready to finish so he can get paid and guess what, I can't f**king be there!

I was told on Sunday, it had to be Tuesday bc the whatever had to finish curing. I was able to schedule my mom for Tuesday (like 2 days ago Tuesday).   Monday at 8 f**king 45 PM, I am told Tuesday is a no go, he's coming Thursday.

My mom can't on Thursday.  Thank GOD my husband could but only until 3-ish.  He said 7:30AM...great awesome 6 hours is MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO FINISH. Well this lazy sphincter nugget shows up at 11:15 there is NO WAY he will be finished before my love goes to work.  So I have to reschedule my entire f**king day to make sure I can be home before he leaves (boss not happy but understands).

Have I mentioned I have $HIT GOING DOWN?!?!?!  I want to f**king throat punch someone but I will refrain because I need him to finish the f**king job!

***UPDATE*** I got home to relieve the hubs.  He was here a whopping 45 minutes with me and f**king left for the day!!!  He said whatever he did had to "set".  He was here for 2 hours, went to "lunch", came back at 2:30, and left at 3:45 that is 3 hours and 15 min...MAYBE.  If he showed up at 7:30, I wouldn't have had to F**KING leave work.

I need a drink, to go for a run, and a punching bag

No one listens.  No one reads.  No one cares.  I am trying to help YOU, you ignoramus!

This week can eat a d**k!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current mood: 

"Just wishing I could do the job for you, sir. I'd give her a HA!
And a HI-YA! And then a OOH-WAH! And I'd kick her, sir." ~ Bartok

I need to set up my punching bag....

When a short person is angry

What you said?!?!  B**ch, I will cut you!

Back off Mother F**ker!

Me vs this week...Happy Thursday...MORNING!

I gave up Beer & Wine for Lent....its going to be a LONG 40 days (well 31 but who is counting?). Maybe I'll have some Scotch....kidding...maybe...

You make me want to light my computer on fire...and then throw it at you!

If I get  randomly added to one more Facebook group I am going to lose my $hit!!!

I don't want to "get oily"...I like EOs but I've been added to seven...SEVEN different "online groups", get help people!

I don't want longer lashes...well I do but not for that kind of money...f**k off!

I don't want to reduce the signs of aging...okay maybe I do but again not for $$$$$$$$ for a month's supply...suck my toe!

I don't want stick on nail polish...seriously?!?!!? Didn't I use this as a kid bc nail polish was messy...?

I don't have f**king kids, quit trying to sell me a subscription to Christian kids books

I don't want a new makeup...trust me it isn't that Unique...eat a d**k!

Those leggings are f**king hideous, who are you trying to fool?!?!

My $15 workout clothes work just fine I don't need a gold lined sports bra with pillowed inserts made of virgin sheep fur or whatever.......

I like my drug store lip gloss...why the f**k do my lips need $45 tint...?  Yea yea "but it stays on"...Ya know what so does Maybeline super stay and its $10.

I don't need to create a pendant or bracelet from tiny charms and be charged $$$$$$$$ for it...there is a thing called a craft store (or Amazon)...$20, done! Or Etsy....I like Etsy...

Also, if you add me as a friend bc we knew each other in HS, I am generally happy to catch up with you.  But then try to sell me something I am going to show up on your doorstep and squirt you with a water bottle ...

*squirt squirt* "No! Bad Friend...BAD!"

Don't get me wrong, I think its great these women (and some men) are trying to earn some extra cash and it doesn't bother me to see their pics/products in my timeline. BUT adding me to random groups makes me Stabby.

Invite me, fine great, I'll just ignore it.  But I hate that they can just add me.  "Hey NOLAGurl, that chick you haven't seen in 20 years just added you to her new makeup group.".  And then you are suddenly blasted with 15 rapid fire notifications.

And I do not want to become a re-seller!!! Its like a ponzi scheme...right? "I'm a seller, I recruit you so now I get ___% of your sales on top of mine.  You recruit someone and you get ___% of their sales and I get ___% of your %.  Oh and did I mention you have to 'buy in'.  Don't worry its only $1,000". What?!?! Or some crazy BS like that.  That's a scam right, that sounds like a scam...its a scam...?!?!?!  I just can't see the ROI being quick or even there...

UPDATE - I purposefully did not post anything about what happened in Las Vegas.  I am saddened and heartbroken...its a scary scary world.

You can't NOT do your job and then complain that other people get more "perks" related to them actually working

I have to rant...ignore me while I waste my 10 minute break.

I just...while hopefully the job market bounces back MORE over here in the South people are still losing jobs or taking MAJOR pay cuts.  It's all related to the f**king price of oil.  Yes I know higher oil prices = higher PPG.  But there has to be a happy medium.  We went from $120 a barrel to $49.52, I think, last Thursday.  That is PAINFUL to all business who do anything related to oil & gas.

We work in an industry that works with this one (f**k me sideways) and its been rough.  So rough that we went from 20 people to a meager 6 in the office and 3 techs in the field.  But we are somehow hanging on.  The ones left have all been here many many years and should know the gravity of the situation here.

Apparently not.  Apparently a couple of so called "good employees" have decided that they are not expendable and therefore can do whatever the f**k they want.  Look I know the owner doesn't want to let anyone else go.  But we all know that the two idiots who aren't working only have enough work to fill maybe 3-4 hours a day...MAYBE.  Do I get slow...yes but 90% of the time I can fill a full 8+ hours with crap that needs to be done.

If you are smart and NEED your paycheck I would be doing everything in my f**king power to make myself look needed.  Meaning don't push your $hit off on everyone else (morons!).  Seriously, you should be flying under the radar not putting a bullseye on you!  Anyways, you are not my problem but when I am sitting here answering calls/emails about everything under the sun related to my position and some other crap you should be doing, I should not hear you bull$hitting in the common area. WTF?!?!

I may not be your boss but your boss listens to me.  And while I won't say anything (at least not right now), you should KNOW he isn't stupid.  He isn't blind.  He knows you don't do a f**king thing until he walks in at 10AM.  You know how I know?!?  He told me!  And he also danced around asking if I would be able to handle what you do in addition to what I do.  I've hinted this to you morons.  I straight up said, stop being stupid and do the f**king 3 hours of work you get paid 8 hours to do.  But no...noooooo.  I just heard you tw@t waffles talking about some upcoming vacations AND how much of a stoner one of your kids is (well isn't that special).  Meanwhile I am sitting here being yelled at because someone needs to talk to one of you and you aren't f**king answering the phone!

Whatever, you will realize...probably too late what is happening....I just hope I get a little more money to deal with your crap on top of mine.

Rant over...NOLAGurl out.

Plants are sentient...I for one welcome our new vegetation overlords...

So I love to garden, right?  Well we are trying to move so we are ramping up the look of our house.  This just means my normal spring gardening just got 10 times more difficult.  I always do a spring clean up but when you are going for pleasing aesthetics you go a little more over the top.

Step one prune back the monster bushes that have taken over the garden.

As I've stated in the past these things went through a flood and ever since have become enormous.  I trim them WAY back every year...multiple times and they grow right back to their mutant state.  My only conclusion is some nutrient in the water from FIVE YEARS AGO changed them somehow.  Its like Radioactive Miracle Gro or something.

Anyways, as I was hacking away at the shrubbery I realized something....it was fighting back!!!!

1.  I was slapped in the face on more than one occasion by "rogue" branches.  

2.  I kept getting caught on branches, that refused to let me go

3.  My shears and saw kept getting ripped from my hands by stubborn shrubbery

4.   I was attacked (or just scared $hitless) by wasps, bumble bees, ants, beetles, doodle bugs, skinks, lizards, baby snakes (non-venomous), spiders (non-venomous), BIRDS....shall I keep going?!?!?!

5.  A plant sneezed on me.  No really...as I was chopping away at one of the shrubs it erupted into a cloud of yellow pollen.  It was like the f**king thing went "ah choo *pahahaha*" in my face! 

 

Basically, I was covered in plant jizz! *ewwwwww*

6.  And this is the kicker.  I am VERY careful in the garden.  Anything with 3 leaves or red vines I steer clear of.  Yet 3 days after playing in my garden...I have a blistery red rash on one arm.  WTF?!?!?!!?  F**k you poison ivy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am a sneezy itchy mess and I have a fancy dress party in one day.  Just shoot me now *sobbing*.

Educate yourself BEFORE you speak

Also - stating opinion as fact is WRONG 100% of the time.  Also believing your are right in any situation does not give you the right to be an @$$hole...being an @$$hole actually diminishes the validity your argument.

Look I am all about Freedom of Speech and Expression.  I can handle people who don't always see things the same way as I do.  But I'll be damned if you think I am going to sit there and let you spew "information" at me that is not only inaccurate but also insulting.

It is not a secret that I am a child of divorce or that I was raised Catholic.  Apparently that was all the rage back in the day.  Get married in the 70's, have a few kids, get divorced in the 80's.  Whatever, not everyone I knew came from a divorced family but there were a few of us.  NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH US.  My parents and theirs thankfully raised us semi-normally. 

With that said I will not sit back at the age of f**king 30+ and listen to you tell me that kids of divorce are always f**ked up and lead awful pointless lives.  What?!?!?! Listen here @$$hole, I know quite a few children of divorce and while yes some of them have issues, MOST of us are fine.  We have grown up, have educations, have jobs, have spouses, some have kids, and almost all of us are happy and not on drugs or whatever other crazy $hit I just heard.  We didn't fall down the rabbit hole of drugs/financial instability or any of that nonsense YOU have been brainwashed to think.  Most of our parents remarried and we love our steps because they are GOOD PEOPLE! 

Also, just because a Catholic Marriage is annulled doesn't mean any kids in the marriage are now illegitimate.   What fear mongering non-sense have you been reading?!?!  Do NOT sit there and tell me that because my parents had their marriage annulled 12 years after the divorce and 8 years after being remarried that now me and my brothers are "illegitimate".  Educate yourself on YOUR religion before you make yourself look dumb.

While I can accept that you believe that and think that MY FAMILY is wrong, don't argue with me when I show you facts.  Don't tell me that my family did WRONG because they wanted their 2nd marriages blessed by the church after almost 10 years.  F**k they've been married for over 25 years now...whatcha think about that?  Still think its wrong...?  That's fine but call me "illegitimate" again and we are going to have an issue.  Because according to YOUR CHURCH, I am not. 


"For this reason (or for other reasons that render the marriage null and void) the Church, after an examination of the situation by the competent ecclesiastical tribunal, can declare the nullity of a marriage, i.e., that the marriage never existed. In this case the contracting parties are free to marry, provided the natural obligations of a previous union are discharged."

"Although an annulment is thus a declaration that "the marriage never existed", the Church recognizes that the relationship was a putative marriage, which gives rise to "natural obligations". In canon law, children conceived or born of either a valid or a putative marriage are considered legitimate..."


So okay yea my parents divorced and the marriage was nulled BUT according to the church (after an INVESTIGATION) it was deemed a valid or putative marriage i.e. WE ARE STILL LEGITIMATE.  So f**k off with your half @$$ED assessment of things you clearly know NOTHING ABOUT.


Also, children of divorce are not all predisposed to get divorced.  What cracked out preacher told you that?  In my experience many children of divorce are LESS likely to divorce (actually they are less likely to marry in the first place) BECAUSE they don't want to go through the BS. Meaning I know I don't want to go through what my parents went through therefore I'm gonna do my darnedest to NOT marry someone unless I think we can stick it out.  Does this include everyone, OF COURSE NOT, but neither does your assessment so go back in your high an mighty bubble and leave me alone. 


Rant over...PEOPLE SUCK!

YASSSSS! That beat up minivan with the mismatched paint really turns me on!!!!

I just have a question...in the history of driving has this ever worked?

Girl: *Driving along singing*
Boy: *pulls up next to girls vehicle*
Girl: *glances over because someone is pacing her doing 75MPH down the interstate*
Boy: Heeeeeeey gurl heeeeeeeeeeeey *saucy wink*
Girl: WTF?!? *looks ahead trying to ignore him*
*traffic slows down to an almost stop*
Boy: I said hey chica!  *honk honk*
Girl: *speeds up as much as she can*
Boy: *speeds up* Jew are one hot mami
Girl: *ignoring you*
Boy: Can I get your number?
Girl: *floors it and exits the interstate*

Seriously, does this ever work?!!?!?  Was there a point where a girl was like "Ay papi, let me STOP ON I10 and give you my number"??? 

Not only is that just weird and CREEPY but its dangerous.  He was looking at me...not the road.   The only reason he knew to stop was because I was slowing down.  I am over 30 and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this has NEVER worked on me.  I may have teased a bit when I was younger because I was clearly having a temporary lack of intelligence but I never stopped or gave anyone my number.  Also, once that one guy tried to literally run me off the road to get me to stop at like 11PM, I decided NEVER making Eye Contact was probably safer. 

So I am only "right" if I agree with you....

Apparently me running all these race things is inspirational UNTIL it "interferes" with family time. 

Okay so I run...I think I've made that clear.  I've done 1/2 marathons in the past but I haven't done one in about 5 years.  I was going to do one in October but I fell and bruised my ribs a few days before soooooo yea that didn't happen.  But I am doing one soon...my 1st one in FIVE YEARS!  I signed up back in like May...it helped with motivation to work out...of course I've been slacking since I fell...I may die...DOH!

Anyways, my fam has been all "OMG that is so awesome!" or "We are so proud of you all, that is such an accomplishment" or whatever.   But this time there is a "family" fitness thing happening at the same time.  Since I run it was assumed I would attend this thing.  Well I can't because I am running a f**king half!  But apparently someone is "so disappointed in me that I would choose to run a half instead of doing the family thing".  Seriously?!?!  I signed up in MAY!  Its a f**king HALF MARATHON!  I will see all y'all a gazillion times over the holidays.  Not to mention halfs are not exactly cheap so yea no I will not just not run it. 

Apparently this "I didn't get my way so I am going to be an @$$hole" thing doesn't end with toddlers. 

Talk about an awesome support team *rolling eyes*...People suck!

You can't lie when it's in writing!!!

People are f**king stupid.  I hate liars.  I especially hate people who try to cover their own @$$es by throwing others under the bus.  F**k you b**ch I have it in writing.  And I will bury you if you f**king lie!

Just because you didn't CC your boss on your response that was 5.5 hours LATE doesn't mean I wont forward that email to said boss when he tries to blame me for your F**K up.  I am customer oriented and try not to get people in trouble but if you mess with me I will "loud cap" you via email.  If you don't want to look like a f**ktard in front of the 15 people you cc'd trying to make it look like my problem maybe you should do your job or at the very least take responsibility for YOUR f**k up.

Rant Over...I hate PEOPLE!

Are you sure YOU aren't pregant?!?!

For F**ks sake people, quit being RUDE!  Two things you shouldn't do....

1. Talk about Religion/Politics at work
2. ASSUME a woman is pregnant

JFC that's how you get your teeth knocked out..from an angry...apparently "fat" woman with a mean right hook.  Except I am not a violent person (usually) so instead I flip the question around.


Person: *pssst* are you pregnant?
Me: *snort* nope
AT THIS POINT YOU SHOULD WALK AWAY!
Person: Are you sure?
Me: *confused* Um, yes...100%....
Person: Really?  You must be eat more and gain some weight...a little
Me: *PISSED OFF* Um, no....are YOU pregnant?
Person: *confused* No, I man?
Me: Are you sure? I mean last uniform order I had to go up two pants sizes for you....
Person: *REALLY confused* You look mad
Me: *calmly typing* If you don't want a can of Lysol shoved up your @$$, I highly recommend you leave...now. 

What the actual F**K?!?!  I know I am not a size 2 but screw you man.  Asking the 1st question fine...but when I said NO, you should probably leave it alone.  Oh and he is a f**king fat @$$...WHAT AN @$$HOLE!

Also, the "weight" I've gained is 90% muscle.  I've been working out, running, dancing, swimming, etc.  So I noticed a change also but its more what happens before all the "fat" goes away.  You know when you 1st start working out again and you don't I dunno...its weird.  See below...yea that's me...I am a f**king whale...just call me baby beluga...

And no, I'm NOT sucking in...

How the f**k did I turn out semi normal?!?!?!

No but really.  I joke about my crazy family but they really are like LEGIT weirdos.  And not in the fun kind of way.  No, I'm talking about in the stress you out until you lose your f**king mind kind of way. 

Let me set a scene for you.  I got a text...NOT A CALL A F**KING text that said "Patriarch fell in the bathroom.  Had to call Fire dept. Matriarch said he's acting funny and talking odd." 

What would you have said???  I said "did he have a stroke??? what hospital is he at?" 

20 min later "He's not at the hospital.  I'm going over there later."

WTF?!?!?!  Apparently its not too bad.

STG 8:30PM I get another f**king text "He looks bad.  He shakes.  Maybe a stroke.  Never slept.  Won't eat.  Maybe Dr. will call me tomorrow.  Say a prayer."

Are you F**KING kidding me???  "I'll say a prayer but....You think he had a stroke...and he's home?!?!?!  Call 911 NOW, the first few hours after a stroke are CRUCIAL to survival!!!!"  I get he is over 90 but COME ON. 

20 texts back and forth and I'm told "he knows what stroke is, he fine.  Don't call the other kids, don't want to worry them.  No hospital.  He's going to sleep."

My side of the 20 texts "Call.the.ambulance.NOW!  Don't you think we should at LEAST call his kids...ya know in case this goes south.  What if he doesn't wake up!?!?  Fine, whatever!  Don't listen to me.  Clearly you crazy people know more than a medical professional!!!!!" (not me but I still thought he should see one)

I attempted to go to sleep...which can I tell you really didn't f**king happen.  Then I went to work because you know "responsibilities".  I waited until 10:40AM to attempt contact.  Mother F**king crickets.  Seriously?!?!!?  You TEXT me and basically imply the Patriarch is dying, then tell me it isn't so bad, then don't answer the god blessed phone....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?!?

I have been semi sane.  I've only called every 30-40 min and sent a few texts.  Still...NOTHING! I would assume if it was bad, I'd have gotten a response but who f**king knows.  These are the same people that thought after a 90+ yo fell he DIDN'T need to be seen by a doc. 

I hate docs to but can we make an adult decision.  A LOGICAL adult decision.  For my f**king sanity.  And God help me if I get a TEXT with bad news...I may lose my mind for real. 

Please stand clear of the doors

"Por favor manténganse alejado de las puertas."

 
This is gonna be a hodge podge of nope, strap in, it may be a wild ride.

1.  We noticed BLACK MOLD growing on our office ceiling in various places.  Yes we had crazy rain and flooding about two weeks ago.  But this is bad bad bad.  Not to mention we've been complaining that our lights don't work right...sometimes they come on, sometimes they don't.  There is a "flooded house" odor.  Our A/C craps out randomly.  My internet connections crap out randomly.  And all of us get headaches, cough, sneeze, etc when here but are fine once we leave.  CLEARLY something is wrong.  So we told the landlord.  HAND TO GOD the jack@$$ that came up here said "well ya see, when we had all that rain the roof leaked." No $hit Sherlock!  Soooooo how ya gonna fix it.  "I'll come up here tomorrow and replace the moldy ceiling tiles".  Ummmm that my stupid friend is a "bandaid".  We've had issues for MONTHS.  Three days later they came and replaced the tiles.  I still believe there is MOLD in the mother f**king ceiling we can't see.  Our lights have MOISTURE in them (cuz that's normal).  And after they pulled down the tiles, they "cleaned up" the counters...with PLEDGE.  Listen here dip$hit...that is NOT a disinfectant.  That will NOT kill mold spores.  Y'all are NOT FIXING ANYTHING!!!

2.  A/C crapped out AGAIN!  Guy comes to fix it and tells us we don't know how to use the Thermostat.  Ummmm we've been here for 6 months, we know how to use a f**king thermostat.  So he "fixes" it and leaves.  The thing reset itself and is blowing HOT AIR. He is now back saying "but I fixed it".  No, no you didn't.  You didn't "fix" it, you bandaided it just like those morons who "fixed" the mold.  Shockingly we need a new thermostat....

3.  This just makes it sound like someone stole his $hit and gave it back to him as a gift....

4.  Excuse me?!?!?!

Oh...oh! It's a Dog Grooming joke....my mind went in another direction....

5.  Is this for real?!!?!?!

No...NO!  Just no no no no no...not gonna read it because...

I'm out...

Alcohol is bad, mmmkay

Okay not bad.  I am partaking in wine as I type this.  Over indulging in alcohol is bad...weeeeeeeeell, I say bad.  Its more annoying to those who are not as inebriated.  Look most of us have had that drunken moment(s) where we annoyed others.  So I get it.  I am very tolerant, especially if it is someone I care about. 

Fooosball is about to start, so we have this preseason stuff gong on, right?  Right.  It is very normal to partake in beer consumption before, during, and after games.  I had one BEFORE the game.  Hubs had...more.  Chaos (hilarity) ensued.  First, I didn't realize  how bad off he was till we went to leave and he forgot to put his headlights on...and then giggled.  OUT!  Now!  Put car back in park and exit. 

I'll just list the rest below (my side of the conversation bc its funnier that way):

- Stop touching me.  OMG, leave my zipper alone!  I STG boy I will pull this vehicle over.  NO, not to hump like bunnies in the back! 
- Pick a f**king station.  No...no...I did not mean find Barry White on my phone...*sigh* turn off "lets get it on"!
-  You want taco hell?  You?!?!  Mr. "I hate fast food" wants a Mexican Pizza...?  Okay.....
- Seriously, there are 15 cars in line at Taco Hell at 11PM?!?!  Stay here.  No STAY!  Did you just bark at me?!?!  Ewwwww you licked me!  Just stay, I'm going inside to get food. 
- *5 min later* he's doing the pee pee dance in the car.  OMG, just go...go pee...QUICKLY!
- Help me feed the pups...what are you doing?  Where are your pants????  Ya know what sit here...eat food...I'll do everything else.
- Where is my other taco? You ate it?!?  I hate you right now....
- *he passed out on the couch* Hey, hey!  I'm going shower.  Hey!!!! *shake shake shake* fine...Pups, behave!
- Sweetie, I'm going to bed.  *GRUNT* Okaaaaay...do you want me to take the pups out? *grunt*  right....  I took the dogs out just to be safe
- *20 min later* WTF was that crash?!?!? *runs out of bedroom*.  How...how are you still asleep?!?!!?  Why are all y'all hiding?!?!  WTF did you find?!?!  Hey...come to bed!  Don't yell at me.  FINE! 
- *15 min later* OMG they broke the TV!!!  What are you chasin?!?!!  How did a f**king dragonfly get in?!?!  How are you sleeping through this!?!?  WAKE UP, I need help!!!  You should come to bed so the animals stop freaking out.  Hey....sweetie come to bed.  Holy $hit you almost punched me.  *shaking him roughly* Do you just tell me to f**k off?!?!  FINE, I'm out.

I made the SADDEST attempt to catch the dragonfly and lost it....whatever I went back to bed.

- *some time later* why are they barking?!?!  What was that noise??!  Where did you get a shoe?!?  Give me that!  No no no, don't pee inside...dammit!  For f**ks sake WAKE UP!  Y'all stop playing!!!! Are you even alive?!  ARGH!!!!!

- *20 min later* OMG why are they screaming now!?!?!  Dogs shoooooosh! *walks into living room* Come here baby (our puppy is only 8 weeks old) That's it get up!  *slapped his butt* Are you shaking your @$$ at me?!?!?!  OMG...OMG that is rancid *gag* Jesus Christ now I know why its called Taco Hell!  You can stay, we are going to bed.

I finally went to sleep around 1:15AM, he woke me up at 3:30AM coming to bed, bad weather woke me up at 4:15AM, and I had to get up at 5AM.  Needless to say I was dragging @$$. 

SIDE NOTE - I sent passive aggressive texts to my love to document my adventures.  They were actually quite funny...see below.  Also I should note, I couldn't just put the puppy away in her kennel bc she knew he was on the couch and would scream and if she screamed speedy howled...and I was flipping tired.

TEXT 1:
There's a dragon fly in the living room.  I only know this because I heard a loud crash after I went to bed.  (This apparently had no affect on your dream state).  All 4 animals were making an attempt to kill it.  I tried to wake you for assistance, not once, not twice, not even three times....we'll go with four.  I lost the stupid thing while trying to catch it.  It's been more than 15 min and I can't find it.  I tried again to wake you and got nothing.  I'm tired too so again I will tell you im going to bed.  So if they break the tv or anything else trying to get that thing don't blame me. 



TEXT 2:
So I just got back from another awakening.  Im not sure how I hear it from the bedroom with the door closed and ear plugs in and you haven't moved.  I can only assume they caught or tried to catch the dragon fly again.  I also attempts to get you to come to bed.  I was rewarded with some unkind words and a grunt.  Am I angry? Yes but only because I'm exhausted and trying to sleep and keep getting awakened by insanity in the living room with zero assistance.  Good Night...or morning...or whatever time it is when you  wake up and see this.




TEXT 3: 
Captains log:  The pups were crying at the gate.  I took Speedy, put her to bed, and left you in the living room to sleep it off.   I've made my final attempt to move you with no luck.  You shook your butt at me and then farted.  Either you are beyond exhausted or had more beer than I realized.  Either way, I'm going to try and get 4 hours of sleep.

SIDE SIDE NOTE - We found the Dragonfly's remains the next morning...guess a cat caught it. 

Listen here you C*ck juggling thunderc*nt

I hate you so much! "Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese."  Hmmm does that fit...?  Whatever.  I hope the fleas of 1000 camels infest your pubic hair.  Or in other words, get a f**king life you slimy tw@tbooger!!!!

Alright so it happened again.  Some c*m guzzling whale vagina signed me up for no less than 500 email subscriptions last night.  I did some creative Googling to find out WTF because I clearly wasn't hacked. Apparently this is a thing.  Why is this a f**king thing?!?!?!!?

Some @nal crumpet with a computer and no life clearly has some code he/she has written that's sole purpose is just to f**k with people.  Its not a virus or an identity thief thing.  It is literally a program that takes a bunch of emails that they STOLE and subscribes them to random lists/newsletters just because they can.  At least that is the general conclusion other targets like myself have come up with.

Unsuspecting people like me, get hundreds of "hey thanks for subscribing" emails overnight while we are sleeping.  I think I killed 1/2 my battery trying to load my emails this morning not realizing what the hell was happening.  And look I don't just use my email willy nilly.  Meaning if a site looks sketch I steer clear.  So thank you, you festering f**cknugget for my "pending" subscriptions to all those lovely Musician email lists, money saving ideas, $hit that is another language with letters I don't recognize, and Christian meet up crap.  Seriously more than half are "Christian Mingling"(I feel like this is the forgotten love child of Christian Mingle), "Christian Camping Meetup" (Ummmmm), "Christian singles in your area", "Christian and Proud Newsletter", "how to meet your Christian Match", and "Porch Pockets"....WTF is a porch pocket?!?!!?

I don't know if festering f**knugget is even a thing but it was something I blurted out while blocking and deleting 500+ emails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You my friend are the infected hair on the ball-sack of a rabid trash panda.  Wait...no, you are the puss around the infected hair.  Actually you are the crusty dried up plug that keeps the puss contained around the infected hair!!!

Alright, I am done.....for now.  I f**king hate this $hit.  Why don't you grow up and use your powers of programming for GOOD?!?!?!

PS  I apologize for my colorful insults.  I am supremely annoyed! 

PPS I am not claiming to have come up with all of these. I just picked some of them up along the way while browsing Imgur, Reddit, etc. 

This is why we all have trust issues!

Right, so we all know everything on the Internet is 100% true.  *ahem*  Anyway, I see all kinds of goofy $hit on FB and other social media.  90% of the time the original poster is making a joke.  A *haha* lets see how many dumb@$$e$ there are on the interwebs.  I usually roll my eyes and move on.  I try not to get "offended" and I ignore many but when one starts to go viral in my friend list I have to say something.  And I am usually not the only one that does say something.  Especially when it is kind of mocking something...like Veterans.

COME ON people!!!  That is not a group of Vietnam Vets.  It is the cast for Tropic Thunder!!!!  That is Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr, etc.  STAAAAHP sharing this! I checked the original post...I can't tell if it was a joke or not but A LOT of people commented on it with "ha ha...that is the cast for Tropic Thunder" or "I hope you are joking...that is Ben Stiller etc".  I get that some people may not realize its a movie cast and share it because they share f**king everything they see online.  So bad on you internet troll...

If you want to support Veterans do not post a picture of a bunch of Hollywood elite who made a satirical movie about War....its insulting.  Instead, maybe find a REAL picture of Vets and share it.  Just a thought.   Or quit sharing everything you see online...geesh!

P.S. And yes I know quite a few Vets who find this movie hilarious (I laughed too)...its the misrepresentation in the Post that is annoying. 

Dear fashion designers, Make WOMEN'S shirts that fit boobs!!! k...thanks...bye

But for real though!  I love a cute little button up.  They make you look slightly more professional.  Yet, I HATE them.  Why you may ask.  Well because for some reason 90% of the ones MADE FOR WOMEN aren't MADE FOR BOOBS. 

See Exhibit 1:

I don't not have a lot up top.  In fact I have the smallest amount they sell an adult bra for.  Just a handful or whatever.  Yet even with the tiniest of tatas I get button pull.  I even took the bra off and it still f**king pulls!  (no picture...it would be flagged NSFW because of visible nipple-age) Why?  Why!?  WHY!?!? Shirts for people with BREASTS should have a little extra material up top to accommodate for the boobage.  And this isn't some "cheapy shirt" I got from the discount rack at the outlet or something.  This is a NICE name brand shirt...something I don't normally splurge on but the design was too cute to pass up. 

But this isn't CUTE!!!

It makes it look like a bought a shirt that was too small.  It fits perfectly everywhere else!!!  If I got a size up you'd be able to see down the arm holes!!!

Look, I wear a small up-top.  Meaning I am not asking for much!!!  Logically a WOMAN'S shirt regardless of size should puff out a bit in the booby area, ESPECIALLY a button up.  We all have them.  Even small ones poke out a little!!!!  Add in those of us with the tiny tatas probably are wearing some sort of padding and you have to see where I am coming from!  I'm not a fashion designer but I know it can be done.  My only conclusion is this shirt was 100% designed by a dude who has no idea about BOOBS!

P.S.  I feel sorry for my ladies with the extra toppings...

I have been claimed!!!

Not like by a fae, although that would be kinda cool I guess.  I was claimed by a CAT...actually more than one.  Not my cats, some strays that decided I seemed nice.  I thought we were past this whole strays in the yard thing.  Crazy neighbor is gone so their "sanctuary" has been sealed off, gutted and remodeled.  Apparently there are a few hold outs and since I am Dr. f**king Dolittle they picked me.

My first clue that they were staking claim to me/my house was a cat fight, on top of my A/C unit at 3AM a couple weeks ago (this is right outside my bedroom window).  Ah, nothing gets the blood pumping like a loud crash followed by an angry cat fight. A few days later Speedy bee lined it to the other side of the shed.  I heard a *reow*, a bird flew away, a black and white streak went running, Speedy followed barking.  He had it cornered by the A/C unit but was just BARKING.  I managed to move him and shoo away Mr. Kitty.  I figured seeing the dogs would keep them out.  Over the next week he came back but would jump the fence as the dogs came a running.  Then I realized it was THREE cats.  One black & white, one white & black, and one beige & white.....hmmmm.  The look I got from them was a "you'll adopt me...right...?"  No!

Unfortunately one night the black and white one decided to fight my dogs for the yard.  It ended badly for him.  They weren't attacking just barking but when he attacked Speedy's face, Convict went into protect the pack mode.  We pried the dogs off this poor cat who was IMMEDIATELY abandoned by his friends.  He looked bad, but was alive...  He wasn't moving much but would try to bite, scratch if we got to close.

I couldn't let the idiot suffer so I called animal control.  45 min later they showed up to get the dying cat who hadn't moved.  The SECOND we got in the yard that Mother F**ker got up, darted to the fence, and got on the roof *WTF*.  He was gone.  It was like a "you'll never take me alive coppers" *muahahaha* kind of thing.  Well okay then.

Waaaaaay later that night we found him...ALIVE and pissed off with his posse just hanging out on my roof again.  He growled and hissed and stared us down...GREAT!  "He's gonna die on the f**king roof...that's just wonderful" stupid cat. The next morning he moved but was still on the roof.  I got home from work...chilling on the roof over the front door.  I said "are you going to let me help you????" *hiiiiissssss* *growl*  Ugh, fine!

You'd think he would steer clear after that, right?!?  Nope.  Two days later, back in the yard behind the A/C unit picking a fight with Speedy.  WTF?!?!?!  He can barely move one leg but he was ready to defend "his territory".  Um sorry buddy this is actually THEIR territory...and they will eat you...apparently.  The dogs didn't hurt him again, just barked...A LOT.  Realizing his mistake, he eventually scurried off. 

Its been 3 days and I haven't seen him.  I hope he lived and will be okay...he was a jerk but I don't want the poor thing to suffer!  But I also don't want him back in the yard.  The poor pups had to go to the vet and be examined because they were all scratched and bit up.  Hopefully animal control came back out and got him.  I told them where he was.

I am also concerned the other two were females since male cats rarely hang around together.  If they leave me more kittens, so help me, I may actually go loony.