Who doesn't like to be pucnhed in the tear ducts?

For real though...right in the Childhood!  'scuse me while I cry in the corner. 

She still sounds perfect...ALWAYS Mrs. Potts!!!!!!!!!  Also, there is no way its 25 years old...NO WAY!

Moving on...sooooooo I was legit hacked.  Someone who has no life...who if they put half the effort they put into stealing into a real job would be successful!  He got in to my Amazon and used MY GIFT CARD to buy himself a Samsung External Drive.  I have the address, because I got an email telling me my order would ship tonight... WHAT?!!?!?!? 

Anyways, I looked up the address and found a Business Park.  I called the first number I saw and the lady that answered said "OMG, did he steal your VISA too?!?!"  What...um no.  I told her my sad story.  She said I was the 12th person calling about something like this.  He uses the address for Suites that are empty...SERIOUSLY?!?!  But this time he may get caught...wanna know why.  Because I'm not with VISA.  I'm not looking at my bill a month out and trying to figure this out.  I KNOW this will be delivered TOMORROW.  And now so does Amazon, their Fraud Department and the local Police.  I considered sending a box filled my dog $hit but I didn't want some poor unsuspecting business owner to get it by accident.  Anyways "SERGE"...hope you like prison.  *fingers crossed his @$$ gets picked up*.

Serge Kaluga
Kiamensi road 805
apt.984
Wilmington, Delaware 19804
United States

Feel free to ship poop if you want. 

Also, note to self...standing outside in the dark and saying "Come play with us" like the creepy kids from The Shining, then laughing hysterically, REALLY freaks out the neighbors.  In my defense I was in the process of taking care of Aphids and they were hiding.  So I was spraying killer bug juice on the plants trying to get them to come out...so I could KILL THEM!

In conclusion, I went from happy crying...to I want to nut punch a crook...to I think my neighbors think I'm a psychopath...

Ahhhhahahahahhaha....

Cause I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....free ballin'.... wait...

So one of my lovely new subscriptions came through today....WTF?!!?!?

Subject: Shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz's beans

Innocent me thinks "Coffee Beans".  I scroll down to get to the "Unsubscribe Button"...

"Gym shorts for the free balling crotch crusaders"

Wait...what?!?!?!

We made gym shorts worthy of Juan Valdéz.
The world's favorite bean picker. This is his story.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!  Nice legs Juan

#1: Juan got his start collecting Mexican Wrestling cards. He had the only complete set of La Chupacabra - or the Mexican Strangler.

He sold his collection in '71 for $635 - but that's like 2.7 billion pesos.

I MEAN THIS IS A JOKE....RIGHT?!?!

#2: Juan started his import operation on a small scale. He made a drug mule out of a box turtle and a turkey sandwich on rye.

The sandwich was for the turtle.

WHAT IS THIS?!!?

#4: Juan was such a cocksure teen, he entered his own dongle into a cockfight and lost terribly.

All was not lost, turns out old Juan had bet against himself and made a killing. OH...OH...OW!!!!!!!!!!

#5: Juan appeared on The Price is Right and won the Showcase Showdown.

But he never saw a dime of his winnings due to a legal dispute over taxes owed on a brand new Chevy Cavalier and a collection of women's shoes.

#6: To celebrate his boy's Quinceañera, Juan had his son blow up a cow with a bazooka.

But out of respect for the cow, he used all of the meat in a guyo-pinto styled dish that was the talk of the town for days.  CLEARLY THIS IS SOME SATIRICAL SOMETHING...RIGHT?!?!

#7: Juan has a lifetime ban from Dave and Busters for cashing in counterfeit tickets.

He made off with a giant panda and a dozen Twizzlers.

*SNORT*

#8: To commemorate his 50th birthday, Juan's hometown of Tunja gave him a key to the city.

In return, Juan gave all the town's women pretty severe UTIs.

OMG....EWWWWWW! *pahahaha* You received this email because you're constantly getting high fives when wearing a pair of slim cut mesh shorts.    Birddogs...okaaaaaaay.  Its a "legit"  site. This is BY FAR the most interesting subscription f**kwit signed me up for.

Listen here you C*ck juggling thunderc*nt

I hate you so much! "Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese."  Hmmm does that fit...?  Whatever.  I hope the fleas of 1000 camels infest your pubic hair.  Or in other words, get a f**king life you slimy tw@tbooger!!!!

Alright so it happened again.  Some c*m guzzling whale vagina signed me up for no less than 500 email subscriptions last night.  I did some creative Googling to find out WTF because I clearly wasn't hacked. Apparently this is a thing.  Why is this a f**king thing?!?!?!!?

Some @nal crumpet with a computer and no life clearly has some code he/she has written that's sole purpose is just to f**k with people.  Its not a virus or an identity thief thing.  It is literally a program that takes a bunch of emails that they STOLE and subscribes them to random lists/newsletters just because they can.  At least that is the general conclusion other targets like myself have come up with.

Unsuspecting people like me, get hundreds of "hey thanks for subscribing" emails overnight while we are sleeping.  I think I killed 1/2 my battery trying to load my emails this morning not realizing what the hell was happening.  And look I don't just use my email willy nilly.  Meaning if a site looks sketch I steer clear.  So thank you, you festering f**cknugget for my "pending" subscriptions to all those lovely Musician email lists, money saving ideas, $hit that is another language with letters I don't recognize, and Christian meet up crap.  Seriously more than half are "Christian Mingling"(I feel like this is the forgotten love child of Christian Mingle), "Christian Camping Meetup" (Ummmmm), "Christian singles in your area", "Christian and Proud Newsletter", "how to meet your Christian Match", and "Porch Pockets"....WTF is a porch pocket?!?!!?

I don't know if festering f**knugget is even a thing but it was something I blurted out while blocking and deleting 500+ emails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You my friend are the infected hair on the ball-sack of a rabid trash panda.  Wait...no, you are the puss around the infected hair.  Actually you are the crusty dried up plug that keeps the puss contained around the infected hair!!!

Alright, I am done.....for now.  I f**king hate this $hit.  Why don't you grow up and use your powers of programming for GOOD?!?!?!

PS  I apologize for my colorful insults.  I am supremely annoyed! 

PPS I am not claiming to have come up with all of these. I just picked some of them up along the way while browsing Imgur, Reddit, etc. 

Ahhh yes the infamous Windows distress signal requesting IT support...

I HATE scammers.  I have no idea how else to block dumb from my cell!  I am on a Do Not Call List but I don't think that applies to scammers, just telemarketers.  Transcript below:

*T.A.R.D.I.S. noise*
Me:  Hello...
Person: *in the distance* oh she pick up.  *in a thick accent* Hello, hi.  Is this NOLA Gurl? 
Me: Who is asking?
Person:  Hi, hi.  This is Jack and I am calling about your computer.
Me:  What about my computer?
Jack: (I don't think is name was Jack) Well you see our servers have received a distress signal from your computer.
Me:  *playing along*  Oh really.  What about?
Jack: It appears you have accidentally upgraded to Windows 10.
Me: *rolling eyes* *acting innocent* I did...?
Jack: Yes, and that is your problem.  Because with this new version you opened up your computer to bad files and viruses.  I am wanting to fix before something bad happens.
Me: Oh dear, I didn't realize my Mac could somehow upgrade to Windows 10!
Jack: It can! And it did!  Now, what I need from you.  Please turn on your computer.
Me:  Um...well it is on.  Can't your servers see that?
Jack: *stuttering* yes, but we had to be certain
Me: K....
Jack:  Now go to (website) and click the link so I can get make sure I have the correct IP for your computer to remove all those nasty files
Me: *silence*
Jack: Hello, miss?
Me: *silence*
Jack: Have you gone to (website)
Me:  *dropping the act* Ya know Jack, I haven't.  Because I have a Mac, that DOES NOT run Windows so 1.) It is almost impossible for me to have "accidentally upgraded" to Windows 10 and 2.) I think you might be full of $hit.
Jack: *click*
Me: *laughing hysterically* 

Now normally I wouldn't answer a number I don't know that isn't in LA.  But these f**kers have called me no less than 12 times in 3 days from Austin, TX.  I am sure I'll get a call in a week from another random number.  Just add this to the one from Alhambra, CA asking about a student loan forgiveness application that I didn't submit (and yes I checked my credit, I am okay).  Or the one from Gainesville, FL who needs my CC number because they saw some "suspicious activity".

CLEARLY some website or something either sold my info or was hacked.  GREAT!

P.S.  I know you can run Windows on a Mac but you have to install it first in order to be able to upgrade it.

P.P.S. Here is the f**king number 512-452-0386

UPDATE:  I just got 4 calls from a Peru number...his name was "Alex " and my computer was sending him distress signals also...OMG!

Who subscribes to 500+ websites/blogs/newsletters in one f**king night!??!?!

Someone used MY HOTMAIL to sign up for a gazillion things.  After the first 300 or so, the junk filter seemed to realize something may be wrong and started junking them.  But I still had 500+ f**king emails download to my God Blessed phone when I woke up!!!!!!!!!

Who does that?!!??!  Set up a "junk email" address and use it to sign up for websites you don't want emails from but want to access or whatever.  Don't just pick a random f**king email!!!!!!!!!

I thought I might have been hacked...and maybe I was...who knows...

...but its not sending out anything.

SIDE NOTE - That movie was f**king Hollywood GOLD!  I still love it!!!!!!! 1995 at.its.BEST!

  
Hack the planet...from a f**king pager!  Yaaas!!!!!!!!!!










Anyways, I was signed up for all this CRAP...seriously you just don't understand.  I had all these "confirm your subscription" emails.  Some I got like 15 times from the SAME sites.  It was UTTER INSANITY!!!!!!!

*argh* I changed my password JUST IN CASE.