Stop, Alto, Halt, Yo bro slow your roll!

I don't know why some older people feel like they are exempt from rules. 

I ride my bike, alot.  I run/walk alot.  I am stupidly cautious because I don't trust peeps. 

While I am riding/running in my neighborhood, I don't always stop at signs but I slow, I make sure no cars are coming.  But there are areas where I do not have a stop sign.  Now I still slow down at cross streets because again...I trust no one.  

I had an older woman blow through a stop sign going about 35 in a 20.  She didn't even try to stop.  I did NOT have a stop sign. I was paying attention and slammed on my bike brakes.  I popped off my seat and clanked my teeth together.  This b**ch had the nerve to roll down her window and yell at me.  

I'm sorry, you ran a stop sign and almost hit me.  She said "I'm a car and always have the right of way"

DA FUQ?!?!?!

Then like a day or two later I was LITERALLY run off the road.  An older woman in an oversized SUV wasn't paying attention (on her phone). As I turned right, she blew through a stop sign on the street I was turning onto.  I saw her at the last second and jerked my wheel to the right.  I hit the curb and fell off my bike.  SHE DIDN'T F**KING NOTICE!  She was so distracted she also jumped the curb about a foot in front of me, barely missing me and my bike.  

She never stopped.  Honestly if she would have hit me she wouldn't have noticed.  A man walking his dogs saw me and was like "OMG are you ok?!"  Thankfully I was since I fell in the grass but HOLY $HIT!

And this was in broad daylight!  You couldn't miss me or my hot pink tank!

I know drivers have always sucked but I swear more and more recently people are so incredibly reckless and are quick to blame anyone but their careless selves!!!!!!

Who the f**k am I connected to?!?!?

I'm think I've mentioned before I am an empath.  I didn't know what it was until I was older.  I just thought I was "emotional" but after talking to an old friend of mine she pegged it.  

I feel people's....feelings.  I know a lot of people think that is rubbish but its real.  I get so overwhelmed by other people's emotions sometimes.  Its very obvious its not my reaction but I just...feel it.  With some its stronger than others.  I don't know if they "project" more or I tune more into them or some combination of things.  

For a few months now I've had intense random emotions.  That makes me sound like looney but I don't mean like something is mentally wrong with me.  It's really hard to explain.  

I was on my way home from a conference (driving).  I was listening to music and just having my own personal concert on my drive home.  It was a whirlwind couple days with my friend I've mentioned before and a new friend and a ton of other business related persons I don't see often but as always a lot of fun so I was decompressing. 

I was fine all day (also very distracted all day).  But from the moment I left the hotel around 4PM Central I had a knot in my chest that would come and go.  I kept saying maybe it was too much caffeine and lack of sleep.  But it felt different.  Like you know that intense feeling like when you have strong feelings for someone and you haven't seen them in a while or you see them again after a while.  Either way it's just so strong it almost hurts.  

So I started shuffling songs around and singing more.  I tried a podcast but I couldn't focus on it...my mind was wandering too much.  It would come in waves.  Just intense, longing maybe and happiness and a little sad but happy sad.       

Anyways, around 8PM Central...I was about maybe 10 min from my house when "Say you won't let go" by: James Arthur shuffled on my Pandora.  Now I have heard this song I'm sure 100+ times since it released.  I can sing almost every word.  It has NEVER affected me in any way except evoking my amazing karaoke skills!

But that feeling came back ten fold.  A swelling knot was building in my upper chest and I started crying.  Not sobbing or sad, but tears were freely flowing down my face.  It wasn't a bad feeling at all.  I felt all warm and happy inside but the tears kept coming.   

It didn't feel like a me emotion.  It was the absolute strangest feeling.  And the only other times something that intense has happened, there was another person near me.  But I was alone in my car and there weren't any other vehicles around me.  

So I googled it....and yes I know you can't believe everything on the interwebs buuuuut. 

"An empath can potentially feel the emotions of someone who isn't physically near them, especially if they have a strong emotional connection with that person, which is sometimes referred to as "simulpathity" in psychological terms; however, this is not a scientifically proven phenomenon and the intensity of such feelings may vary greatly between individuals."

Ummm come again?!?!  So in theory...someone I am deeply connected to, projected such a strong emotion, I felt it even though they weren't there???? But who and why...? Was it all f**king day and I just didn't realize what was happening because I was talking to so many people?!??!!  

I checked with family and friends I am close to and obviously hubs but no one seemed off so I have no idea WTAF is going on.  But I am starting to think I have a very strong connection to someone "new-ish"...I say that because its been happening since July, today was just insanely intense.  I think I have an idea of who it might be but I am not 100% they know and I don't want to freak them out. 

Karen in the Wild

So I was leaving to go to the store to drop off some donations for an animal rescue.  Well this truck was at the stop sign right behind me and waved me to go.  I looked both ways and started backing up.  This little silver car comes out of nowhere and BLOWS through the stop sign going towards the main road. She missed me *whew*

But I’m headed in the same direction and am right behind her.  She turn right, I turn right.  She turns left, I turn. She turns right, you guessed it…me too.  I was like she's going to think I am following, hahaha. Nah she probably doesn't realize it.  Well we are coming to a "stale" yellow light and as it turns red she guns it and blows through a red light.  Hmmm maybe she does see me.  Well I caught the light but as we get to another main road she is in the turning lane and I pull up behind her.  She turns and well so do I.  As we are trudging along, she sure as f**k turns into the same store I am going to!!!!

I'm like you have got to be kidding me.  So I turn in and park and get ready to get my donation bags out.  As I get out she starts yelling from 3 spots over and across the lane....I was like huh. She screams "YOU!!!" 

Who me?

Followed by, “I didn’t hit you. You didn’t have to follow me to prove a point. You are just going to give an old lady a heart attack” or something of that nature. More words..less coherent.  As she’s yelling her voice is getting louder and louder and more like screetchy.  You know what I mean.  Its like a frantic banshee. This whole scene is causing a lot of stares.  At this point I have said nothing because I am so confused why she still screaming at me.  

Finally, I was like whatever so I just opened my trunk and said “lady I have no idea what you are talking about I’m just here  to drop off the donations for the rescue”.  As I pull two black garbage bags from my trunk.

*crickets* *slow blink* then she aggreessivly huffs/screams...slams her door...she grabs her purse and storms inside. 

She clearly knew she did something wrong but it was just the universe having fun at her expense.  

Honestly if I thought a crazy person was following me...

1) I wouldn't have stopped

2) I would have called 911

3) I would NOT have started screaming

What if the person had a gun?!?!?! People are crazy, totally....but I am not one of them.  

Also don't run stop signs!!!

So like do I need to do a blood sacrifice or can I just light a candle?

I don't drive as much as I used to but holy crap other drivers are just as bad or possibly even worse!

The other night I was driving back to my temporary home very late.  It was dark and a little misty/humid but mostly a clear night. As I was approaching my exit I noticed a car weaving in and out of lanes a decent ways behind me.  I remember thinking, "what a moron!" as I pulled over into the exit lane.  The exit was backed up a bit so I was completely stopped.  I heard squealing tires and glanced up just in time to see a dark mass flying towards me.  It took a split second for my brain to process that the dark mass was in fact a car skidding sideways down the interstate and it was going to hit me.  All I could think was "oh $hit, this is gonna hurt".  I managed to kickstart my brain enough to cut the wheel towards the shoulder and gun it.  It all happened so quick but somehow the skidding car managed to regain control and missed me by mear millimeters.  She slowly went past me at about 5 mph and looked terrified.  I on the other had was wondering where the screaming was coming from and who $hit my pants. 

After I had a few sips of Whiskey and managed to finally get my heart rate below 150 bpm I began thinking.  She missed me by a HAIR!  Had I not managed to move the car ever so slightly to the shoulder I would have been CREAMED by a car flying sideways at about 70 MPH and I was at a complete stop.   

Exactly three days later in a steady rain I went to buy a last minute gift at lunch.  We are having our normal southern winter where it's either humid and 90 degrees or raining and 40 degrees.  It's super fun.  At least it's not snow/ice!  As I was driving in the RAIN, going the speed limit, I noticed some @$$hole tailing me.  I couldn't go anywhere but they insisted on just riding my @$$.  I couldn't see their headlights but could plainly see a giant Trump Flag & American flag flying above the roof.  Unfortunately they were also turning so they were tailing me into the shopping center.  When it opened to two lanes they gunned it passed me.  

They immediately lost control of their jeep, swerving into my lane. We were going maybe 30mph....I managed to slow down as I watched this jeep barely miss my front bumper, over-correct, and completely spin out.  

They ended up doing multiple doughnuts in the road and flying off into the grass.  Mind you there were other cars, signs, & posts everywhere, yet somehow this @$$hat managed to not hit anything.  The wheels rutted into the grass, yet again the lucky bastard didn't flip.  They were stuck but thankfully didn't hurt themselves or anyone else.  

In a few days I was almost clobbered twice by a reckless driver.  I feel like I should just stay home.  

Shoutout to my guardian Angel

So I had to drive quite a distance today.  Thank goodness I was paying attention! As I was lala-ing along my way things got dangerous FAST!

Suddenly LOTS OF BRAKING.  The SUV in-front of me swerved to the right barely missing the back of an 18 wheeler.  I managed to slow to about 40 but was coming in hot.  I had seconds to make a move.  I noticed the pickup next to me pull to the right giving me room to swerve. 

Some jack@$$ was pulled over ON THE LEFT.  His pimp mobile looking thing was blocking half of the left lane.  We were going 75...I have a little car I can't see much past SUVs.  And no, I was not tailgating! 

I missed the pimp mobile by millimeters!

It happened so f**king fast.  But I can't thank that pickup enough for his quick reaction.  It was either slam into a stationary vehicle going over 35 mph or side swipe aa truck going who knows how fast.  Those were literally my options because there wasn't enough time to brake to a stop without possibly losing control. 

Who the f**k does that?!?!  I've had car issues on I10.  You either get over to the right somehow OR you pull all the way into the grass on the left.  You do not...I repeat DO NOT block half the f**king left lane of the Interstate. 

I hope that moron made it home safe.  Had I slammed into him I would have been severely injured.  He wasn't in the vehicle, I saw him on the phone in the grass.  My driver side would have been the side that hit. 

That would have been very very bad for me and who knows how my little car would have ricocheted around after.  It was rush hour...there were BIG vehicles everywhere!!!!!

My point is use your brain.  Don't block lanes of traffic if you can avoid it and DO NOT BLOCK AN INTERSTATE!  So yea, thank you guardian angel, the universe, the big guy....whomever...I am just glad it went the way it did.

I hate driving...not because of the driving itself but because of the other idiots on the road. 

I'm out...time for a shower and bed. 

Thor is an @$$hole

Sooooo I have this car.  This car that I've been paying on for a few years.  This car that I really like. Anyways, this car is paid off as of Tuesday.

The universe being the b**ch that she is decided to mess with me.  We are in a bit of a dry spell thanks to Florence.  I think the chance of rain all this week is less than 10%. LESS THAN 10%!!!!

Imagine my surprise when I was driving home Tuesday AFTER MAKING MY LAST CAR PAYMENT and seeing rain.  Meh, okay...stupid summer shower.  Stupid summer shower that turned into a mini hurricane!

It went from "oh its sprinkling" to "JFC I can't see the road" in like two seconds.  With the blinding rain was the most ridiculous light show I have seen it in some time.  It was like drunk Thor trying to shock Loki while he's sleeping. 

Great, fine...I'll just drive 10 mph down I10.  I was singing along with Hamilton.  "What as that?"  *singing* "Seriously, WTH was that...?" *turns down radio* *ping, ping* 

*ping ping ping ping*

"Is that f**king hail?!?!" *ping ping ping ping PING* 

"Stop it!!!!!  God dammit, I just paid this f**king car off!!!!!" 

The rain stopped, the sun came out, and a rainbow shown across I10.  "are you mocking me!?!?!?"

So yea...I paid off my stupid car and drove through a hail storm when there was a literal 10% chance of rain and then a rainbow popped up.

The universe got jokes.....

Side note - No damage...whew!

Yea, no my car doesn't smoke, thanks.....

Yo, you people that flick your lit cancer stick out the window going 80mph down the interstate can f**k off!  That is still LITTERING!  You shouldn't do that.  The local wildlife is holding up unsuspecting hikers looking for their next nicotine fix!

Sometimes I see them coming and they explode in a blast of embers on my windshield. 
Other times I see the flying smoke stick zooming past my window. 
And still other times I completely miss them. 

Anyway, as I was driving, suddenly, it looked like my f**king car was on fire! 

...wait....no...

Side Note - She is my freaking spirit animal.  I LOVED her!  I watched that show ALL THE TIME and still do when reruns are on!!!

Moving on.  There I was lala-ing along when traffic slowed in-front of me.  As I slowed down I noticed the front of my car...

OMG IS THAT SMOKE?!?!?! 
My car isn't that old...it should not be smoking! 
Is there a tiny fire????

So I kinda panicked for a sec.  I was so worried it would overheat and damage something. 

Weird...no lights or alarms are going off. 
Ugh what is that smell?!?!

I turned off the outside vent, what is that?!?!?!

*ew ew ew ew ew* Move people!  The exit is right there!!!!

My car could explode at any second, MOVE!

So I got off at the next exit and stopped at in the first parking lot I saw.  I popped the hood and walked to the front of my car. 

Odd the smoke isn't coming from under the hood. 

Then I saw the little cherry glowing in my grill *WTF*.  There was a f**king cigarette wedged in my front grill...STILL LIT!  It was only about half smoked...if that.  Basically someone lit it and then threw the f**king thing out the window.

You'd think going 80 down the Interstate would have blown it out or whatever.  But it was protected. 

When it hit my grill it bent in half and the lit end was inside, partially protected from the wind.  The "smell" was the slight charring of plastic, mixed with cigarette smoke coming in my A/C vent.  I pulled it out, stomped it, and threw it away.  I dumped a load of sanitizer in my hand and drove the rest of the way with the windows down because my car now smelled like @$$ baked in the sun. 

Flicking a butt out the window is still littering.  Its gross. Its dangerous to wildlife...AND TO OTHER DRIVERS.  If you are hell bent on smoking in your car...KEEP IT IN YOUR CAR!

But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan....

Or arms in this case. 

No this isn't me making fun of an amputee, I'm not an @$$hole.  So I am driving to work and the car in front of me IN THE LEFT LANE can't decide if they want to do 50 mph or 80 mph.  They also can't decide if they want to brake early or brake once they are on top of the car in front of them.  They seemed to be doing okay staying their lane for the most part so I really couldn't figure out what was going on other than they were smoking and were really focusing on that.  I mean his/her hand was hanging out the window with said cancer stick.

There were quite a few cars on the road so passing them wasn't going well for me. I finally had a break to my right so I decided I was going around this idiot.  As I pulled up next to him I noticed he was on the phone...an old school flip phone...hi Gibbs!

Anyways, then I realized he was also still smoking the cigarette. 

How are you driving?!!?!?  He was in an older model Camry so I know it wasn't a self driving vehicle.  I didn't see a passenger so no one was holding the wheel for him. And I couldn't see a knee wedged up so no driving with his knee(s)...what is happening?!?


Conclusions:

1.)  This man has a unique deformity that has afforded him an extra arm.  Must come in handy...I'll see myself out....

2.) This man has a unique deformity which allows his pleasure stick to perform amazing feats.  Like gripping a steering wheel and...well steering it. 

3.) He is an alien and has talents we mere humans can only dream of.

maybe....

4.)  And most UNLIKELY!  He was doing the trust drive.  You drive a little with no hands (TRUSTING your alignment and wheels to keep going straight).  And correct as needed with a tap from a hand or a knee. 

It was very odd...and made me speed up because my luck he'd hit a pot hole and come flying at me...

YASSSSS! That beat up minivan with the mismatched paint really turns me on!!!!

I just have a question...in the history of driving has this ever worked?

Girl: *Driving along singing*
Boy: *pulls up next to girls vehicle*
Girl: *glances over because someone is pacing her doing 75MPH down the interstate*
Boy: Heeeeeeey gurl heeeeeeeeeeeey *saucy wink*
Girl: WTF?!? *looks ahead trying to ignore him*
*traffic slows down to an almost stop*
Boy: I said hey chica!  *honk honk*
Girl: *speeds up as much as she can*
Boy: *speeds up* Jew are one hot mami
Girl: *ignoring you*
Boy: Can I get your number?
Girl: *floors it and exits the interstate*

Seriously, does this ever work?!!?!?  Was there a point where a girl was like "Ay papi, let me STOP ON I10 and give you my number"??? 

Not only is that just weird and CREEPY but its dangerous.  He was looking at me...not the road.   The only reason he knew to stop was because I was slowing down.  I am over 30 and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this has NEVER worked on me.  I may have teased a bit when I was younger because I was clearly having a temporary lack of intelligence but I never stopped or gave anyone my number.  Also, once that one guy tried to literally run me off the road to get me to stop at like 11PM, I decided NEVER making Eye Contact was probably safer. 

Don't drive in a tornado or tornado like weather...its a bad idea...just don't do it!

Okay so we all know this right?  I mean I know this.  The problem is when you don't know how bad the weather is gonna be and you are already driving. 

So I met some friends in from out of town for drinks.  I knew bad weather was coming in overnight but not till after midnight, so I could leave by 10PM and be fine, right?  WRONG!

Right at 10 I started getting alerts on my phone, hmmmm odd.  Then I got a text from my mom...then from my hubs...then from my Godmother all about the impending weather...Uh oh, what is going on?!?  I pull up the weather map and there is a solid wall of red about 70 miles WNW of my house...should be at my house in 45 min - 1hour.  CRAP! Takes me 20 min to get home... Must leave NOW.  As if on cue a bolt of lightening so bright it lit up the entire area streaked across the sky, followed a bit after by a crash of thunder so loud it literally shook the building.  We were on the 2nd floor...it was f**king scary. 

Okay, I must leave 10 minutes ago.  I tried to rush our waitress but she was petrified and took FOREVER with my check.  Those precious minutes are gonna bite me in the @$$ aren't they..?

So I FINALLY left.  Minimal rain and wind but the light show that was happening...have you seen War of the Worlds?  That's what was f**king going on!

I was doing good.  At the rate I was going I should make it home WELL before the worst of it hits.  And then you factor in other drivers who are MORONS! So apparently what you are supposed to do in a lightening storm (little rain/wind) is slow down to a crawl while driving across a waterway and STARE at the f**king insanity happening all around you. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  That isn't what you do.  You f**king drive because you don't want to be on the god blessed road when the bottom falls out!!!!!!!!!

So that was what happened.  I was half way across the bridge when Armageddon occurred.   The rain started coming down harder and harder.  The wind kicked up a bit but it was manageable.  We were all going maybe 40 MPH with flashers on.  You couldn't see much except when the lightening lit everything up.  This was 100% unnerving because we were over WATER and couldn't see $hit! 

Then it happened.  My phone went bat$hit crazy.  The radio went bat$hit crazy.  There were Emergency Alerts coming from basically everywhere.  Seek shelter NOW!  Where am I gonna find shelter I am on a f**king bridge?!?!!?

Before the reality of the situation could sink in a solid wall of white...water...rain...something...came CRASHING over the bridge from my left. I didn't hit the brakes, I just took my foot off the gas, I am fairly certain I screamed like a crazy person, and I prayed to anyone listening.  The wind was insane, the rain was insane, my car went from the left lane to the right lane....and then it was mostly over.  WTF?!?!!?  All the cars around me were stopped.  We all slowly started going again...before I knew it we were all going about 70 *f**k this $hit* MPH to get off the damn bridge. 

Clearly I am alive and made it home safely.  I can't believe I drove in that.  After the debacle at the restaurant I should have just stayed at my friend's house until after midnight. 

Lesson - Weather forecasts are just guesses...they have a 50/50 shot of getting it right.  This was moving WAY faster than they thought...I should have known better and just stayed put.

Spiders are intelligent...they are plotting my demise so they can have my house

Right...so lately I've mentioned my house is the real life set of Arachnophobia.  I really feel like I should start charging rent...or at the very least utilities.  I'll give them a discount if they continue eating critters I don't want around and leave me alone.  But I am getting concerned that we may be past the point of "oh look I have a few spiders" to "you do realize this is their house now?" 

Moving on, I've learned over the years that your vehicle is considered an extension of your property.  Apparently arachnids have learned this as well.  Anyways, I was driving when I turned and was in direct line with the sun.  So I of course pulled down my visor...I squeaked and promptly flipped it right back up.

What had happened was there was a massive brown spider just a chillin on it.  I was going about 75MPH and decided having THAT creature fall on me while driving would probably be bad...mmmkay.  So I "calmly" waited until I got to my 1st destination to investigate further.

To make myself feel better I kept saying "its CLEARLY dead. It has to be dead.  It didn't move when I moved the visor....its DEAD!" Again, I am not scared of spiders but it was HUGE and brown and all I could think of was a brown recluse and I was freaking out a bit because those are no bueno!  So I got to where I was going and "calmly" got out of the car.  I picked up a tissue and moved the visor.  The spider was still in the same spot not moving.

Oh thank god!  He IS dead *whew*.  So I leaned in to pick it up.  This is the point where he decided he was NOT in fact dead and jumped at my face.

I spazzed out so bad.  I mean I REALLY hope that cop behind me did not have his dash cam on because I fear I will be on one of those "hahaha moron" shows.  Here is what happeend.

It jumped
I jumped
I hit my head on the roof of my car
I bent over in pain
I realized that mother f**ker was still on my neck
I re-spazzed

I flung it off of me...back into my car

It landed on the driver's seat
I lunged for it to kill it/get it out of my car
It backed away and REARED up (you know like front legs and FANGS in the air)

I hesitated
It ran into the mechanical hinge of my seat
*blgrablgph ahhhh* I hung my head in defeat

So now what???  I tried finding it with no luck...he is obviously good at hiding.  So I reluctantly got back in my car to drive to my next destination.  What if he surprises me while I am driving again?!?!?!  I am fairly certain it was a Southern House Spider...I think.

No but really what would you do if you saw an extra large one of these right in front of your face???

Drivers Ed: 101 - also known as common f**king sense

Soooooo while I don't claim to be the BEST driver around, I do understand the rules of the road.  I also understand how IMPORTANT it is to follow said rules.  Things like "when going 10 MPH or more UNDER the speed limit on the highway you should put on your emergency flashers to warn drivers who ARE gong the speed limit (or more) that you are the tortoise to their hare and they should go AROUND you". Or other things like when merging onto the highway don't stop! Well unless traffic is stopped...otherwise you should be speeding UP to merge into traffic. 

Speaking of merging...below is merging...it illustrates your lane MERGING into traffic...you should probably YIELD (NOT STOP) to traffic and assess when you can merge...it sometimes involves a full stop but not always. 

See how the lane flows INTO traffic...see it!?!?!? 

This is also a form of merging...but this doesn't mean STOP!  This barely means yield....this means you have a whole f**king lane to turn into.  You have the right of way....why are you stopping!?!?!!?!?

So jack@$$ if you STOP in this lane...a few things happen. 
1.) I almost rear-end you because you are a tool 
2.) I almost get rear-ended because I had to slam on my brakes
3.) I develop a serious case of turrets, yelling enough profanity to make a sailor blush 
     3b) I will make the lady in another car loose it in a fit of giggles because I am sure a tiny blonde
           yelling at the windshield looks a bit ridiculous

4.) I will lay on my horn until you move your dumb@$$ out the way

No where on that sign does it say stop...it doesn't even say yield.  Actually below said sign it says "maintain speed".  Can you not read?!?!?!

This means stop:

If you don't stop at one of these 1-4 above usually happens again.  See how its RED...red is like "danger Will Robinson"...DANGER...STOP your f**king car, not slow down and accelerate through, that would be YIELDING!

If that was the case, you'd see this:

See it even says YIELD.  It means proceed slowly...not STOP. 

Did we learn something today...aside from I had a bit of road rage this morning and want to punch things...?

Sit on it and spin, Mother F**ker!