Welcome to the Cooch Show!

 Ever have one of those days where you go, "Damn...I should have stayed in bed..."?

I was having a really good day.  Worked in my garden, cleaned up a little around the house, did some painting (for fun, not like a wall).  Just a nice productive day.  

I took a shower and got ready to go run the streets and have a late lunch/early dinner.  I put on these adorable linen shorts and a black tank to head out.  As I was wandering around the house I noticed there was a hole in one of the pockets,  WTH, I've only worn these twice.  Whatever, I'll sew it up later. 

I put on some very light makeup, checked myself in the mirror and went to head out.  As we were heading out I made a comment to my hubs how nice these shorts were.  They were so light, it didn't feel like I had anything on.  He said they looked like they fit nice. 

Before we left my bladder woke up and was like YO GOTTA GO!  Normally I'd be like WTF but today I was soooo grateful for the delay.  

As I was finishing up I felt something tickling my ankle.  

On closer inspection, there was a hole in my pants. 

I started poking at it and realized, I could literally stick my entire hand through the hole. 

It was in the crotch area.  I pulled my shorts back-up to see why I didn't notice before and you couldn't see anything.

I walked towards the mirror.  That is when I saw flashes of my rainbow undies on display for anyone to see. 

I took them off to better examine them and the crotch was annihilated.  

It was legit hanging on by a single thread.  Cheaply made POS. 

So my $30 linen shorts that I wore twice are now in the trash but my old faithful $12 Old Navy shorts are still going strong.  

That is a scarf, not a shirt!

Okay look I know I am older and am fully aware I wore less clothing as a teen/college student.  I grew up in the 90's....we had a weird effing style, I know.  

But I want to know who is designing this crap now???  Its not consistent and its not flattering on anyone!  And no I was not shopping just in the Juniors section.

Most of the Cute shirts were not longer than right at the hips.  Many were WAY shorter.   Look I could probably pull off a crop top but I just don't feel comfortable wearing one anymore! I don't have tatas really but even the little bit I have would cause a shirt that hits at the waist to rise up with the slightest movement.  

Then there were the "other" shirts.  They were UGLY.  Like I don't mind flowers but the solid print of roses on a shirt was tripping me out.  Or the peasant crap.  Why is it no shirt or amish?!? And the colors were awful.  I like bright and fun....these were like 1970's green, orange, yellow....GAH!

Dresses have two options.  So short any motion would show the world your Oyster or Little house on the prairie.  There was no in between!  Here we have a potato sack that won't cover your peesh or a full coverage high neck potato sack that touches your ankles.... I just want a F**king sun dress that is flowy and looks cute and isn't SEE THROUGH!!  

And don't even get me started on the Shorts/Jeans.  What in the actual f**k is this "mom jean" fit crap!?!?!  I don't mind high waisted.  But high waisted with no shape really looks good on no one.  It makes me look like I have a gut, like no...just F**k  you!  I've worked very hard to not have a gut, I do not need a balloon belly pant.  The shorts are so high, they might as well add straps and make them a romper.

OMG and the rompers!!!! They look like the f**king jumpsuit Hannibal Lector wore in Silence of the Lambs. A few looked like they might be cute but they either had no shape or were shear!!!  Its a floor length potato sack made into pants with straps. Or here is a nighty, I made into pants. 

I know all generations hate the next generations style but I just want it to look good.  I don't care what people wear but can't we look good...PLEASE?!?!  Designers you are pissing off an ENTIRE generation because our options are dress like a monk, an old lady, or like teen.

I still want to look cute but not show my bits, is that too much to ask?!!?!?

Dear fashion designers, Make WOMEN'S shirts that fit boobs!!! k...thanks...bye

But for real though!  I love a cute little button up.  They make you look slightly more professional.  Yet, I HATE them.  Why you may ask.  Well because for some reason 90% of the ones MADE FOR WOMEN aren't MADE FOR BOOBS. 

See Exhibit 1:

I don't not have a lot up top.  In fact I have the smallest amount they sell an adult bra for.  Just a handful or whatever.  Yet even with the tiniest of tatas I get button pull.  I even took the bra off and it still f**king pulls!  (no picture...it would be flagged NSFW because of visible nipple-age) Why?  Why!?  WHY!?!? Shirts for people with BREASTS should have a little extra material up top to accommodate for the boobage.  And this isn't some "cheapy shirt" I got from the discount rack at the outlet or something.  This is a NICE name brand shirt...something I don't normally splurge on but the design was too cute to pass up. 

But this isn't CUTE!!!

It makes it look like a bought a shirt that was too small.  It fits perfectly everywhere else!!!  If I got a size up you'd be able to see down the arm holes!!!

Look, I wear a small up-top.  Meaning I am not asking for much!!!  Logically a WOMAN'S shirt regardless of size should puff out a bit in the booby area, ESPECIALLY a button up.  We all have them.  Even small ones poke out a little!!!!  Add in those of us with the tiny tatas probably are wearing some sort of padding and you have to see where I am coming from!  I'm not a fashion designer but I know it can be done.  My only conclusion is this shirt was 100% designed by a dude who has no idea about BOOBS!

P.S.  I feel sorry for my ladies with the extra toppings...

There ain't nothing petite about dat @$$

So I am small...but I am not...does that make any sense???  I am an XS/S/0/2 in tops and FLOWY dresses...I am a M/L/4/6 in pants, skirts and fitted dresses.  The problem with the fitted dresses is if I get one that fits my top, my @$$ looks like it's trying to orchestrate a prison break...if I get one that fits my bottom, I look like I left my boobs at home. 

And I am not pear shaped...I do not look like Kim K...you would think that is my shape based on what I just said...but I am not.  It is 100% my butt and that is basically IT! My hips/thighs/waist are still fairly small.  I have a super bubble butt.  (*superman theme playing* It flies off at night while I am sleeping to rid the world of mermaid dresses and -4 size pants. *he he he*) I literally have to buy things to fit my bootay which means the waist and thighs are usually baggy.   To say I have a badonkadonk is misleading, I have a "dayum" but only from the side.  From the front I look almost petite, from the back you can see dat @$$ but its camouflaged.  From the side it is *BAM*. 

I went shopping recently and one of my sisters from another mister argued with me about my "size" in clothing.

F: OMG try on this dress!
M: Sweetie that is petite
F: You ARE petite
M: No, I'm really not
F: Try on the f**king dress
M: *sigh* fine

***ten minutes later***

M: Haaaaalp!  Can some one help me out of this, I think I am stuck
F: Oooooh, yea there ain't nothing petite about dat @$$
M: *grumbles* Yes, I know...

But I digress...I really feel like it talks to people.  It's like "Heeey boo, yea you like that *jiggle, jiggle*" and I am oblivious until I hear someone suck their teeth and say "Heeeey gurl, *mmmm*".  WTF?!? Bad butt, stop that!  *turns around in circle fussing* And I am not wearing revealing clothes (not that it would make that kind of response more acceptable)...it's just everything fits my @$$ like a f**king glove.  Jogging pants (you know the tight legging things)...good GOD!  Most of my shirts hang just below the butt BUT when  you are running they ride up a bit giving everyone behind me an unobstructed view of my jiggly bits (on me its the butt...the boobs don't really move much...). 

I'm starting to develop a complex.  Oh well, at least its firm-ish. 

Rewearing clothes, especially during the summer, is near impossible in the South

But for real, it is hot!  Hotter than you can imagine if you don't live down here.  As I type it is before 10AM, the temp says 88 degrees with a heat index of 96 degrees.  The sun isn't even at its highest point yet!  My point is when you walk out of your A/C into that kind of heat, you are IMMEDIATELY sweating or glistening or perspiring...as my lovely southern grandmas would say. 

Side Bar: They are sooooo SOUTHERN!  "Young lady, a lady does NOT sweat, we perspire." Yea okay, tell that to the soaked shirt stuck to my back after getting the mail. 

I am saying all this because I was looking up "what to pack for a trip to Mexico" and one of the lists made me laugh hysterically.  Alright, listen here...I don't know if you know geography BUT Mexico (at least the really Touristy parts) are MUCH further south than Louisiana.  So if I live in the heat of devil's armpit, Mexico is the heat of the devil's ball-sack.  As in it is really f**king hot.  Yea yea yea we have this insane humidity and they have the "sea breeze" going on BUT I've been to Mexico before, its really hot in the summer (closer to that equator thing). 

The list that made me laugh was about how to "pack light" for a week long trip to a Mexico beach resort.  Basically it said pack "outfits" that are interchangeable.  As in you are gonna wear them again.  Sorry honey but unless you plan on doing laundry the ONLY thing you will be re-wearing is your bathing suit.  Well unless you don't mind a shirt/dress that is stiff because it is full of dried sweat (ewwww).  Honestly, there is no "packing light" for a week long trip to hot climates.  Of course during the day you will probably be in swim wear (which is the lightest packing part for me) but for evenings or outings you are going to need at least 1 outfit per day.  You can re-wear shorts/skirts probably but tops and dresses, I am thinking no.  Also, unless you are sleeping nekkid, don't forget some PJs (light PJs). 

I went to the Dominican Republic for my wedding in the WINTER and I couldn't re-wear outfits (it was hot).  And it is only slightly more south than the Yucatan Peninsula.  I just think doing that would be unwise, unless you plan on staying indoors most of the time and if that is the case why go to Mexico in the first place...?

Ok no problem...wait...did she just call me old?!?

This is a rant, you have been warned!

While I am fully aware that I am not 20, I am also fully aware I don't look my age.  I get mistaken all the time for being much younger which is fine, it doesn't bother me.  I attribute this to wearing a ton of sunscreen and only wearing makeup for special times (not daily), oh and good genes (thanks mom and dad).  It also helps that I am small-ish, I guess. 

With that said I don't like shopping in the "women's department" at most stores.  Misses/Juniors (yes I still shop there sometimes)/trendy.  I will go nude before I put on mom jeans and a weird fitted floral patterned t-shirt.  I do tend to buy things that aren't OVERLY trendy so they usually last a couple seasons without looking completely dated.  Well I cleaned out my closet the other day and decided I'd try out one of those second hand stores that buys your old (gently used) clothes back from you (versus just dropping it all at Goodwill). 

I take very good care of my clothing so most still looks new and its not like Walmart brand, they are nice (mostly trendy) clothes.  I brought a sack of crap to one of these stores and they were all "oh wow, okay give us a couple hours as we have a lot of peeps in front of you".  So I did.  And when I went back this tween with an attitude handed me my sack of crap back and said (with mock sweetness) "oh sorry, I didn't see anything we could buy." That was fine, I don't mind that.  But she didn't stop there.  No, then she said "it's just the brands are kind of *whispers* old." I am distracted "yea, ok. yea, whatever" thinking its because the styles are a couple years old and because I have two more stops to make before I go home.  Then it hit me.  Wait...what?!?  What you mean the styles are "old"?!?  She said "well we cater to a VERY young crowd and they don't wear THOSE brands."  So I looked in the bag making sure it wasn't the one I was supposed to bring to Goodwill (those clothes, I can understand them not taking) but no it was the correct bag.  And you know I am not one to cause a scene but come on.  So I pulled out a BCBG dress, that I've worn twice and said "Are you serious?  You are telling me BCBG isn't good enough for your store...?"  She retracted and said "oh no, we don't take semi-formal/formal attire anymore". Um you couldn't have said that FIRST?!?  So I dug further and pulled out an adorable Guess Romper *raised eyebrow* "Guess isn't good enough then?" She started stumbling over herself.  So I asked, "did you even look in the bag?" *stuttering*. 

Then her manager (maybe) walked up and was sweet as sugar saying "we aren't really accepting ANY women's clothing, we are stocked (pointing at a sign that was WAY above my point of view). But men's clothing and accessories, those we need." That is 100% fine with me and I said so but I was irritated with the way it was handled.  Why couldn't that little girl say "sorry we aren't taking women's clothing at the moment" that is polite, instead of insulting me (because lets be real, you only say that if you are trying to be an @$$), saying my "style" was too old.  I have a feeling they really didn't look in the bag because of the way I was dressed when I walked in.  I was dressed for work which does have an "older" style, because ya know I have restrictions on what I can wear and whatnot. 

I was just flabbergasted at the way it was handled.  Kudos to the manager for trying to make it better but they lost a customer.  I used to shop there and I can tell you with 100% certainty I will never step foot in there again (and yes I did politely voice that before I left).  There are ways to handle customers without putting them down.  Being a brand snob or judging someone on their appearance is not really how it should be handled.  Maybe I should try one of the national chains and see if they are more professional.  Actually I think I am just going to use the online ones Poshmark, Tradesy, Thread-up, etc. 

What goes around comes around

This is not about revenge as you may have previously thought...it is also not to be said as that creeptastic child from BBC America's Intruder's .  What is it about creepy kids...it's like nightmare central for me. Give me an ax murderer, ghost, whatever and I'm fine...creeper kid *never sleeping again*.

Anyways, I mean style.  My mom would always joke that what I was wearing in the mid nineties was similar to what she wore in the 60's/70's.  Bell bottom pants, tie dye, flowers, peace signs, ying yangs, crop tops...I mean the list goes on and on.  And of course cool as I was I thought "uh no, these are totally different!"  Then the late nineties happened and I merged my hippie/disco self with the grunge look.  I wasn't hard core but I was a fan of doc martin boots, plaid shirts and baggy jeans...oh and don't forget layers of necklaces with black rope chokers.   But I wasn't all grunge.  I was a bit style bipolar.  I could go from spice girls to nirvana and everything in between in relation to dress and music choice.  My closet, hell, my whole room, looked like the 90's exploded in it!

What I am noticing now that I am OLD(er) is my mom was so freaking right!!!  That military boot style that my friends made fun of me for wearing is sooooooooooooooooooooo back.  I honestly didn't realize it.  I still have my docs.  I love(d) my docs! But I haven't worn them in quite a few years.  Anyways, I was at the mall Christmas shopping and a tween went be-bopping past me in a neon shirt, blue leggings and docs.  Like the high ankle ones I used to wear. I had to do a double take to make sure I actually saw what I thought I was seeing.  It was like a clash of the decades.  80's neon/leggings meets 90's "grunge".  Can't wait to see what other 90's nostalgia comes back in style.  I am hoping the weird 5 tiny clips hair style stays away but it probably wont.  I mean I wore it like a champ but it wasn't my best look, ha!