Keep your energy away from my energy!

Okay so I am highly tolerant of "unique" people until someone makes me uncomfortable.  Anyways, I had to go supervise a technician today...we were having issues at my place of business and I was asked to be there bc they would be in closed door meetings all day. 

I was sitting at my desk when this 50 something guy wandered into my office while I was on the phone.  He started touching everything on my desk, came around the back of my desk, and stared at me until I hung up....

I started to pay closer attention to him as I rolled backwards...He looked like a weird overweight mix of Doc Brown (wild hair and receding hairline) & Wayne Campbell...and wore tinted glasses.

Me: Can I help you?  

Him: I need to tell your boss something. 

Me: Ummm tell me, I'll tell her.

He tells me a bunch of crap I know is nonsense.

Then looks at a quote on my desk and says "well I don't agree with that".

Me: Yea, I don't even know what "that" says, a vendor gave it to me...

He then proceeds to go on a 10 min one sided conversation about "Energies" and how we project them and feel them from others. 

Him: You see when I came in here I was projecting an energy that your energy felt.  Did you feel it?

Me: Oh you mean the "he's not creepy vibe"

Him: Yes! Your energies realized I wasn't creepy therefore not a threat *uncomfortable eye contact*

Him: That is how we know when to....trust people and why we do the things we do

Me: Sooooo, like a gut instinct...?  Yea I get those A LOT.

Him: That's Great!  It will keep you safe.....and balance your zen.

Me: *clears throat* So you gonna go do all that...stuff...you said with the system?

*walks out*

What the hell?!?!?!  Over an hour later I go potty.  As I am walking back to my desk...

Me: Hi....

*tells me more BS about the system* He got uncomfortably close to me and said "Do you ever just try to avoid people...who are negative? Or positive people when you are...negative?"  did I mention he smelled like cigarettes, sweat, and stale coffee.

Me: Yes......... *backing up*

Him: *gently grabs my wrist* That's your energy reacting to their energies.

I calmly extracted myself, said..."K, leave the bill on the table" ...walked in my office and locked the door.  I messaged my boss. 

Either he was on something...smoked something...or forgot to takes his meds.  He was CREEPY but didn't seem realize it.. .and had no sense of personal space!

He was probably harmless...maybe...I hope...but I hate to think if he wasn't and I was actually alone.  Every warning was going off in my head telling me to run.

And yes, we had to report it because half the time one of us is alone. 

I didn't know they chirped!

Why couldn't I just live in my happy little bubble thinking those little f**kers didn't make noise. 

No, I had to be INFORMED (for whatever reason) by my husband WHO KNOWS MY FEAR that bugs who shall not be named...those creeptastic lil bastards.... CHIRP!  I didn't believe him so I went to Google....

I thought it was lizards.  Why couldn't you just let me BELIEVE it was Gekos?!?!?

Aside from the fluttering of wings or the clicking and scampering sounds that a variety of bug species make, they don't typically make a lot of noise. However, some species of cockroaches do hiss and chirp.

...noises are made during courtship and mating. 

...noises are produced during an interaction where the insect feels threatened.

....the chirping is both annoying and chilling.

*THUD*

Sorry, I fainted....The wing flutter and scampering is ENOUGH.  And I know about those hissing mofo's  EFF THAT!  But chirping...CHIRPING!?!?!?!?

God f**kall I didn't need to know this either!!!! "They can bite, too, but bites are rare and harmless."

So maybe som of the chirping I am hearing when I hang out outside at night with the dogs is possibly a f**king Bug Who Shall Not Be Named!!!  I can't see them...

 And just because its accurate....

Calm down there, Hannibal

Went get lunch...almost became lunch....

Me: *standing in line being oblivious*
Guy: You smell delectable
Me: *trying to ignore the conversation behind me*
Guy: *tap tap* Seriously what is that scent, I could devour you
Me: *wtf* *turn around* Excuse me?
Guy: Sorry but whatever your wearing smells so incredibly tasty
Me: *blushing* Right...um its an oil perfume I just got as a sample...

Guy: *looking dazed* What scent is it?!

Me: Uhhhh I...don't....know...I remember something about pomegranates and marshmallows...
Guy: Since I can't eat you, guess I'm getting pomegranates and marshmallows for dinner

Me: *jaw drop* what?!

Guy: No...wait...no...sorry....
Me: Its...wow...ok....*hysterical laughter*
Guy: *beet red* Jesus...seriously...sorry!!! 

I ordered my food and went and hid in the corner until it was ready....

What just happened?!?!?  What is in my new perfume...?!?!?  Who says that?!?

I really don't think he was hitting on me intentionally.  I don't even think he realized what he was saying...maybe...was I being punk'd?!?!!?

SIDE NOTE - this was paraphrased but you get the gist and he truthfully was CREEPY about it!

Hey, what ya doin' up there...? How'd you get your leg that high? OMG what's he doing to you?!?! I may need a closer look....

Things that my 6 month old puppy says in her head...

I've had dogs my whole life. 

I've had dogs and cats since being an adult and living on my own.  Every animal I've had as an adult hid during sexy time.......

........except one.  He was a special boy.  He was a Rottie and he really wanted to get a closer look and/or lick my husbands butt-cheek...ya know just to see him jump ten feet in the air.  But he never got in the bed/on the couch...he didn't have to, nor did he stick around for long.  He was 90lbs and tall...he just picked his head up to look. 

My current little pup seems to be like him.  She is VERY curious what is happening.  But she doesn't just do the creepy watch from a distance. 

Noooooo not her.  She jumps in the bed and tries to get a closer look at the action.  I've never had my @$$hole licked (CREEEEEEEPY!)...until we adopted her. JFC dog, not cool! She was promptly kicked out of the room.  Usually we catch her before she gets too close BUT sometimes when things are really good, you may not notice and suddenly you have a furry head on your bare breasts or something (that isn't your partner) licking your ear hole.

Last night though was probably the funniest moment thus far.  Things were going...quite well so we didn't notice her jump up in the bed.  THANKFULLY its chilly so we were under the covers.  I felt a pressure against my side but I didn't really pay attention to it.  Then suddenly I hear the loudest sigh/moan/groan I have ever heard come from such a small dog.  She was laying down, pressed up against me...and apparently very annoyed that we were NOT paying attention to her, I guess.  The look on her face........

..........we both burst into a fit of giggles...and kicked her off the bed.

After we were done, I looked to my right and burst out laughing again.  She was sitting on the floor glaring at us with her ears back like we'd just offended her ancestors or something. 

I've never dealt with this before...is it pure curiosity...is it a type of jealousy...is it just a weird dog who doesn't understand what's happening...?

YASSSSS! That beat up minivan with the mismatched paint really turns me on!!!!

I just have a question...in the history of driving has this ever worked?

Girl: *Driving along singing*
Boy: *pulls up next to girls vehicle*
Girl: *glances over because someone is pacing her doing 75MPH down the interstate*
Boy: Heeeeeeey gurl heeeeeeeeeeeey *saucy wink*
Girl: WTF?!? *looks ahead trying to ignore him*
*traffic slows down to an almost stop*
Boy: I said hey chica!  *honk honk*
Girl: *speeds up as much as she can*
Boy: *speeds up* Jew are one hot mami
Girl: *ignoring you*
Boy: Can I get your number?
Girl: *floors it and exits the interstate*

Seriously, does this ever work?!!?!?  Was there a point where a girl was like "Ay papi, let me STOP ON I10 and give you my number"??? 

Not only is that just weird and CREEPY but its dangerous.  He was looking at me...not the road.   The only reason he knew to stop was because I was slowing down.  I am over 30 and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this has NEVER worked on me.  I may have teased a bit when I was younger because I was clearly having a temporary lack of intelligence but I never stopped or gave anyone my number.  Also, once that one guy tried to literally run me off the road to get me to stop at like 11PM, I decided NEVER making Eye Contact was probably safer. 

They.are.people!!! A pee pee (or lack of) does not change that! They aren't aliens!!!!!!!

I am clearly on the side of "I don't care what your lifestyle choices are as long as they don't involve harming another person or an innocent whether that is a child or an animal".  Why is this so hard for other people to grasp?  I've never heard of a transsexual sexually assaulting anyone...ever.  The ones I've met are normal, they are just PEOPLE.  Hell, most of them I didn't realize they were trans until they told me. 

So please do NOT give me that whole "OMG I'll be peeing with a man bull$hit".  The last I checked there were stalls in the bathroom so how the f**k would you KNOW if they are male or female?  If YOU are checking, YOU are the perv not them.  If you are in fear of your safety or your child's safety because pervs will use this as an opportunity to perv out in the ladies/mens room then I don't think you know how trans really works. 

There is usually A LOT of effort that goes into someone being trans.  They don't just put on a dress and say "I'm a woman now" full beard and all.  Most times there are hormone treatments to reduce hair or stimulate hair growth.  There is usually real hair, not wigs.  Sometimes there are surgeries.  Most times you can't look at them and go "OMG that's a man/woman" because most f**king times you cannot tell!  So unless there is literally a pee pee police officer at EVERY restroom entrance than I don't know how this proposed ban is gonna work.  I also don't know how the law is going to work.  I get what they are trying to do but it opened up a whole new can of bigotry...prejudice...Idiocracy.  What are we going to have to show our genitalia or provide a birth certificate to prove our gender to use the f**king restroom!!! What is happening?!?

Really though, I don't care if you have a pee pee or a hoohah, if you just pee and leave then what is the f**king problem?!?!?!  Real, trans people aren't pervs.  They aren't dressing like the opposite sex to get a look at your junk.  They are dressing like that because that is how they feel comfortable.  And don't forget some women look masculine, just like some men look feminine.  So you can't just go by looks!!!!!!  It's happened to me and I felt like an imbecile.  I thought I walked into the wrong restroom because the person that walked in behind me looked like a stereotypical dude.  It wasn't until I went to leave and she spoke that I realized she was female.  I apologized profusely for being an @$$hat. She wasn't offended.  She laughed and apologized for confusing me.  I said do not apologize, I'm an idiot and we both laughed.  See that is how you handle that, don't be an @$$hole.  You live and learn.

What pisses me off is how people are are using this to out people.  That is NOT your decision to make.  I am appalled at the ignorance of humanity. 

If they appear when angels are near, why are they such @$$holes?!?!

So I saw this today:

And while I've heard that before I don't get it.  I read the article.  It is very sweet but I think if that is the case...I attract the wrong angels.  Or better yet my loved ones that have moved on are a bunch of pranksters even in the afterlife! I have a family of cardinals that lives in my front yard and they are 100% @$$holes.  This is the bird that chases me around when I do yard work.  Or chases me to the front door of my office because its reflection insulted his mum or something.  There is absolutely nothing "angelic" about it. 

You want to go inside?  You can try...I dare you. (not my pic see watermark)

This is also the bird that perches himself on the "wreath hook" on my front door and glares daggers at me until I decide to go in the side door.  So either I pissed off someone of the divine realm or cardinals are just mean as f**k!  I will say though, they have never actually harmed me, just spooked me a bit (I like my eyes NOT pecked out).  They mostly watch me and complain from a distance.  They sit on my windowsills and stare inside (CREEPERS!).  They fuss at the dogs from the fence.  They stare at me when I get the mail.  They shred my paper to make their nests and crap all over my summer door hanger thingy. 

Come to think of it...if they were human, I'd have a TRO...

I find myself oddly attracted to that woman...

So face swap is usually something terrifying.  Its usually so creeptastic that most would call it the stuff of nightmares. Then there are the odd few that fit and fit well. 

This is the whole article that prompted this. 

Most people said "OMG this is so uncomfortable" and I'm over here like "ya know David Tennant makes a fairly pretty woman". Followed by, "hmmmm...did I just think that out loud...?". 

My Evidence

Seriously though...while I think Billie is gorgeous, and this pic isn't half bad...I am not like "damn 'he' hot".  But I am like "hmmmm 'she' cute" and I am starting to question my sanity.  This one makes me a tad more uncomfortable but it still fits for both of them...clearly I have different taste...

Anyways, the others were a bit more creepy but I will add Karen made an attractive 'man'. 

So my conclusion...I don't know but I'm not as creeped out as I should be according to the article and I think that says something about my mental state...maybe. 

I'm an unintentional oddball and it's HILARIOUS!!!!

At least for me...and people who find my humor amusing. Okay okay not too oddball-esq unless you get the reference.  And its not even that odd more just I don't always have a filter to stop my weirdness.

I am very cautious about being "weird" at work with persons other than my co-workers whom have known me FOREVER!  But when it comes to telemarketers my brain apparently checks out.

So I got a call from some "hey you won a free trip, all you have to do is buy this BS" companies.  I try not to be rude and just hang up.  Its their job, I have to cut them a little slack.  Well I unconsciously did something and it was, well, soooo stupid *beating head on desk*.

Me: Hello....
Person: Hi, I'm looking for NOLAGurl 
Me: *cautiously* This is NOLAGurl
Person: Hi NOLAGurl, I was calling to let you know you won a trip to sunny Orlando for four.
Me: Um...how?
Person:  You must have signed up for it
Me: *Not recalling ANY contests*  *light bulb* Ya know I don't think I did.
Person:  Well I have your name and number
Me:  Yea but you said my maiden name...a name a haven't used in over 4 years (ha, gotcha!)
Person: Oh...but you won and all you have to do is pay taxes
Me:  I appreciate the call but I am not interested
Person: But its free
Me: What is your definition of free?
Person: *quiet* Well. Here is the website *rattles off web address*...its legit...look it up....if you change your mind you can call me back...
Me: K...what is your name and number?
Person: Jessica *last name*, *phone number*
Me: *scribbling info* Thank you Jessssssiiiicah
Person: Whoa, creepy..You said it kinda like him...
Me: *thinking* Huh....oh...OH... F**K!  *Said* Oh my...*stuttering* I didn't mean to actually say that out loud! *sigh* Sorry... *dying of embarrassment* Wait... *realizing she got the reference*
Person:  No worries, *giggle* it just caught me off guard.  Seriously though at least check it out and call me back with any questions.

Ugh, I am so...just...not normal.  Excuse me while I crawl under my desk...What are the chances of me talking to someone who was probably in a different time zone...possibly a different country who happened to call me, of all people and would get an obscure reference like that.  At least her whole attitude changed from aggressive sales person to "friend".  Anyone else would have just been like "well she's weird...". It was 2 parts hilarious and 1 part embarrassing.  Oh well at least it was funny...ish.  And I obviously didn't scream it like a complete psycho.  Also, my voice is incapable of pitching that low, but you get the idea.  So thank you Jessica for making my day a little less "blah" *muah*. Welp, guess I am obligated to call her back now and listen to the spiel about the "free" trip since I unconsciously imitated a sociopath while talking to her. 

JFC, that was just...CREEPY!

So the trailer came out today for the new Netflix Show Jessica Jones.  Like I've said before, I don't know much about the comic but it seems VERY interesting and I like the girl that plays Jessica. 

With that said this is our first REAL look at the show, not the bits we were shown in the teasers.  We see more of Luke, which again I don't know much about him but I think I will like him.  We finally get to "experience" Kilgrave and holy $hit, I feel like I need a shower now.  He is so f**king creepy!  And its weird because I am used to David Tennant as a more lovable/likable (albeit sometimes grumpy) character.  Which I guess this will just show his amazing acting abilities, right? Right! Anyways, after that trailer *shudder*.  It's not like we got a huge dose of him but enough to make me uncomfortable in the best way. 

This series looks to be rather dark and from what I gather the villain in the comics is one disturbing mofo so if we get even just a taste of that in the series it will be...well disturbing.  I.can't.wait.  Again, the voice is immediately recognizable but holy creeptastic Batman!  I mean freeson level freak you out (that is Cajun French look it up) .  I dunno man, I think its the mind control thing.  Not being in control of yourself is terrifying.  Especially if the person in control is a sadistic psychopath.  An attractive sadistic psychopath but a psycho nonetheless.  

I've watched more than 1/2 of Daredevil (FINALLY) so hopefully by November 20th I'll be ready for this one.  I've had it in my head I must finish Daredevil first so yea.  Who else is geeking out right now?  It was extremely hard to contain the fangirl at my desk.  I just wanted to squee with delight.  I love love love super hero stories!  You should totally check out the trailer.  LOOK AT IT!

$hit, if it's going to be that kind of a party I'm gonna stick my d**k in the mashed potatoes

In times of confusion I find myself drawn to the wise words of the Beastie Boys, well not actually but that's where I know this line *tee hee hee*.  Its actually from  a comedian, Mantan Moreland on his album That Ain't My Finger.

I am feeling very all over today so this post will in fact be all over.  Try to keep up...you may want to take a Dramamine just in case. 

Here is my WTF Facebook moment of the week (and by FB, I mean YouBeauty):

Why!?!?!!?  At first I thought it was going to be one of THOSE articles where I go "OMG, don't stick that in there!" But then I read it and its just "normal" things.  And by normal, I mean things that are meant to go in there....like a Kegal thingy or a DivaCup or a vibrator that you wear all the time that can be activated REMOTELY by your lover *stupid stare*.  Can you imagine being in a board meeting when your man (or woman) decides to f**k with this thing?  "You see over here are our potential earn-ahhhhhhh-ings...whew, um anyway.  This is where we want to be-ahhhhhhh *moan*." Ha!

I think it would have been far more interesting to read if it had been OTHER things.  Like, "you wouldn't believe what this Soccer Mom got stuck in her hoohah" (insert pic of kids toy).  Ya know something interesting.

This fascinates and terrifies me:

I know the article is just saying they discovered it and that is REALLY cool.  But it makes me think about how scientists will sometimes do things just because they can...even if there are FOUR movies that tell us why we probably shouldn't just because we can. 

I mean I'd still be one of those idiots that goes to the park and probably get eaten by a Velociraptor but HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!?!

Also, I saw this and my 1st thought was "OMG I LOVE that skirt!"

Wait...that's a...maybe I could still wear it...no...*le sigh*

Then...then...THEEEEEEN! One of my lovely "friends" sent me this:

First thought "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Second thought "why the f**k would you send THIS to me of all people?!?!?"  Third (and most important) thought "They better not try to Jurassic Park this thing!"   I've seen it before but didn't read it.  I know the article is like a month old but *shudder*.  I personally feel like this specimen should be burned in fire.  Actually it should be doused in holy oil, wrapped in spark paper and dropped into the burning pits of hell!  You know why?!?!  Because it is an effing "bug who shall not be named!" When the world ends they will be the only thing left standing!   Which also means if you try to burrow this thing outta the amber and get a "closer" look there is a very good chance the f**ker is still alive in some sort of stasis and once the air hits it, it will come alive and wreak havoc on our unsuspecting world!  It will mate with the already near indestructible "bug who shall not be named" of our time and create a super critter that will have me running for the hills.  Unless they infest the hills then I'll wrap myself in a giant bubble/hamster ball thing, stock pile RAID, and hope I am safe.  You think the ones we have now are brazen, imagine a "predatory" one.  And how do they know its "predatory"?!?!  Does the f**king thing have fangs or something?!?!?! I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!

**Side note** I didn't read the article...why would I read an article about that?!!??!


Seriously though...today I relate to this on a spritual level....:

The wheel is my brain...

I'm going drink more caffeine and run a few laps around my office. 


 

What a pig...actually not a pig, that is an insult to pigs! *Creeper Alert*

I'm not sure if you know this but the place to pick up women is at the drug store.  Even if said women are 100% not interested. A quick flirt is one thing but this was RIDICULOUS!

I was pulling into a local drugstore when the door to the car in the next spot flew open.  I politely stopped to let them get out (they were backed into the spot).  The door closed, I pulled in and proceeded to collect my coupons to head inside.  It wasn't until I went to get out of my car that I saw the driver of the other car hovering in front of my on his phone.  "hmmm, odd".  But I thought nothing of it and got out (I should have realized then that he was a weirdo). He said "Hello!" and walked ahead of me, like he was waiting for me.  "Uh...hi", then he suddenly stopped and turned to look at me (CREEPY!). 

Maybe if he looked like this...nah

 

 

I stopped...he was wearing a sleeveless superhero shirt and board shorts with flip flops, about my age.  Nothing special, just a normal looking guy.  He was staring a hole through me!  I took a WIDE route around him so as not to get too close.  He LAUGHED and then followed me inside.  *thinking* "does he think I am flirting...why is that funny...its NOT funny, I am freaked out a bit!".  I did my shopping and went to get a snack for my office.  As I turned down the snack aisle, I literally ran into him.  The things I was holding fell to the floor.  He bent to pick them up (okay that was nice) but the whole time he was on the floor he was looking UP at me... I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable because he looked almost predatory (an I am about to devour you look) and I had a freaking dress on. 

He handed me my stuff, I said thanks and started to walk away.  He stopped me and said "I like your smile." Uhhhhh, thank...you... *bee line down the aisle*.  I heard him laugh again. WTF?!?  As I was checking out I felt someone walk up behind me.  Something lightly touched the back of my arm. *sigh, thinking* "Are you kidding me?!?" Okay at this point every red flag/siren/danger Will Robinson is going off in my head.  I glanced over my shoulder and guess who (OMG!).  He says "I just wanted to let you know I think you are really pretty." (still lightly touching my arm) *annoyed laugh* "Thanks....".  I turned back around and he LEANED forward (WTH, Personal Space!) and loudly whispered in my ear "I'd like to see you again." Okay that is it, should I become atomic biotch or just ignore him.  The cashier is looking like she is ready to kill him for me (she knows me, I am a regular customer).  I didn't turn around, I just held up my left hand and said "Sorry, married." The cashier laughed.  He said nothing and STAYED in my personal space, until I was done.  I felt like he was sniffing my hair but I think I was just being paranoid. I didn't use my PIN, I did signature because he was WAY too close to me.  Once done I practically ran out the store, almost running over a guy in a suit in the process. 

I'm about to become a statistic

As I was getting in my car I noticed his car was still running (Odd) but I couldn't see in (DARK tinted windows).  At this point I am thinking I am about to be kidnapped or something (I should stop watching Crime Dramas).  I wanted to leave before he came out (unsuccessful).  I backed out as he was getting into his car. He unabashedly STARED at me with this weirdo smile (like Norman Bates level creepy smile/stare). 

Not sorry, haha

He then got into the car where there was a female, I could see through the windshield.  WTF?!?!  Okay maybe it's his sister.   Then they started making out...not just a kiss/peck...borderline pornographic...okay still could be his sister, right...?  Time to make my exit!






I just...he was pretty much aggressive in his pursuit of me and he had a girlfriend/wife/f**k buddy waiting in the car.  Were they looking to add someone to their bedroom fun?  Or was he just a twat booger?  Or was there something else going on? Either way WHO DOES THAT AT A DRUGSTORE?!?!?!  I can understand a chance meeting, maybe (like romantic comedy style) but I was CLEARLY not interested and he kept on with is creepy self.  Completely unnerving!

Do you ever look at a product and think, "Why?!?"

I had a moment like that today...

I'm sorry...I mean I love Disney but these are just creepy!  Why on Earth would I want Mickey/Minnie watching me shower?!?!?  It is a FACE hovering above your head shooting high pressured water at your naked body.  All the while smiling at you. "yea, I like how you lather *mmmm* heh, heh (Mickey laugh)."  I know, I know what you are thinking...they are "for kids".  Really?!?!?!  That does not make the argument any better!  "Get your pedo-Mickey shower heads now kids!  He loves to watch you bathe and help rinse off your tiny bits." *yikes*

Why not just do the black silhouette with no face and maybe a colored bow or bow tie or whatever....that way I don't have a creepy smiling mouse in my face.  Why is there a FACE?!?! Also, I won't have a snot stream coming from his/her nose.  Who designed this?!?  The "high pressure" setting shoots from the nose...I just...WHY?!?  "Feel squeaky clean while your favorite Mouse shoots nose water all over you." I think it would be funnier if it had different settings and one was a "waterfall" and it poured from the mouth.  Or the "massage" setting pulsed out from the eyeballs. Ooo, ooo and it can have colored LED lights that blink with the pulse.   "Satan Minnie wants your soul! *muahahhaha*" If you are going to make it creepy go big or go home!

Also...there is a detachable shower head...face...thing.  We have all seen the 40 year old virgin...right?!?!  The scene in the tub...with her "favorite" shower head.  And, yea, this post just went there.  Talk about Mickey and friends.  What kind of Club is this???  There is just something WRONG with this product.  You know...you KNOW some lonely mom is going to use little Johnny's shower head for "things" when he's not home or sleeping.  No one needs a Mickey in their hoohah.  And, OMG, that can be taken so many differnt ways.  Of course that can be new slang for diddling yourself in the shower. 

Friend: "Hey, what took you so long to get ready?"
Her: "Oh, just needed a Mickey in the shower. *wink*" 
or
"Today was my Minnie shower day. *sigh*"
Friend: "Ooooookay...."

I need to stop.  This is a kids product...I am going to hell...where I will be showered by creepy Mickey faces for eternity. Hey at least I can use the detachable head *wink, wink*.  Ahhhh, make me stop!

And then she tried to feast on my soul!

Sorry if you thought I actually met a soul sucker...thankfully that was NOT the case. I have begun to have strange dreams again.   Well I think I always have strange dreams but I remembered last night's and I really feel like my subconscious may have been on drugs...

Its funny because what triggered the memory of said dreams happened while in my car.  I checked my blind spot and saw the sticker on my window and I thought it was a bug...suddenly my brain was flooded with images of my strange @$$ dreams.  It was weird because at first they were just below the surface, I couldn't grab them...then without warning I remembered them in great detail!

First - We were in our house.  It was cold outside so we had brought in some of my more delicate potted plants.  But instead of them being out of the way they were all over the living room.  That in and of itself was odd but what was even more strange is the number of plants.  I mean I have quite a few but not nearly as many as were in my dream.  It looked like a jungle.  Old man was very interested in one of my larger potted plants.  When I went to investigate I saw a small snake...kind of like the one I actually had in my yard a few months back.  We didn't think it was poisonous but I still was dragging old man away from the plant just in case.  Unlike the real one we had, this dream one was very pissed off. It kept striking at me...it was unusually fast and seemed to be able to "jump".  It "jumped" out of the pot as I hollered for my hubs to come help.  I tried to catch it on the floor and it slithered under the entertainment center.

I peered under and it "jumped" again, hit the bottom of the center and broke into two pieces.  "What the actual f**k is going on?!?!" Two odd looking black/iridescent beetles came running out, making some awful high pitched noise.  I screeched (because I am pretty sure my ears were bleeding) and grabbed a shoe.  I couldn't kill them!  It was like they were made of metal.  Then one of them wrapped around my left index finger and stopped making noise, all the while methodically clicking its mandibles *shudder*. Meanwhile the other was still running a muck around my house, WTF!?!?!?  Hubs finally showed up and was trying to help me get the beetle off my finger.  It had a death grip and every time we tried it clamped its legs tighter around my finger...to the point where it's pointed legs had pierced the first layer of skin.  In a panic I started pulling really hard and I heard a *crack*...it's leg was fracturing and it screamed, I am talking a human in extreme pain type scream...so I stopped.  I remember thinking "well its not hurting me on purpose, it is just scared." Somehow we carefully extracted my finger without killing the bug from hell and get this...we SET IT FREE!

Second - (Okay this one is long, just a warning because there was a lot of detail I remembered) We were not in present day but I don't think it was the past either.  Maybe some warped future.  I say this because there was no electricity and some scenes seemed like they were back in the 1800's BUT other scenes took place in old raised shotgun type houses in NOLA.  I am not sure what my "job" was but I was making house calls.  On my first "call" I was in one of the shotgun houses.  It was a mess, boxes and stuff piled everywhere but it wasn't dirty.  It vaguely reminded me of my grandparents old double shotgun but it was much higher off the ground.  My client/friend offered me dinner and a place to stay once I finished whatever I was there to do.  I declined at first but he insisted because it was almost dark out and he didn't want me to leave once the sun set.  Although there was no electricity, gas still seemed to work because there was a gas fire place and it was lit, but to see we had small oil lanterns.  I couldn't see myself (no mirrors) but I remember seeing my arms in a long sleeve dark shirt, my hands were in fingerless gloves, and I had a tattered gray scarf. 

I don't remember any other calls like that but I knew there were others.  The next thing I remember I was going down wooden stairs with a hurricane lantern, following someone into a barn like basement but not underground.  There were tons of people and a bunch of "trash can" fires.  I was there to see someone who had recently passed (seriously what was my job?!?!).  He was off in a dark corner...he looked like he had been scared to death.  His skin was ashen and he appeared almost dehydrated but not mummified.  I looked him over but didn't see any signs of trauma and I was told he was basically healthy the day before.  Wait, he was alive yesterday?!?!? They said they woke up and he looked like this *yikes*.

This went on for a few house calls, over a few days I think.  All similar, exposed wooden beams, small contained fires for warmth & to see and more than one family living in the home.  Each "victim" looked identical and was seemingly healthy prior to...well dying.  They all had one thing in common, the morning before they died they received a letter in the mail (apparently USPS survived the apocalypse).  Each person was said to have been disturbed by said letter, almost panicky...and burned the contents after reading it.  This is getting very "The Ring" like...*in a creepy voice* "7 days."  Or in this case 24 hours.  We somehow tracked down a person who got one of these letters and had a stake out.  I was with my partner who wasn't my husband...he was like a legit business partner.  He looked like a homeless version of a detective...from a TV show I clearly watch but which one I couldn't tell you.  We had both dozed off during the night and were awakened by a strange wind...our hair and clothes were whipping around like we were stuck in a vortex...but also a vacuum...because there was no sound.  Trying to get our wits about us we realized the person we were watching was glowing black...I can't explain how you glow black but she was.  We were holding onto each other in shock...fear...mixture of emotions...completely frozen in place by the spectacle before us.  The person wasn't glowing black, whatever was encasing her is what was glowing.  The insanity ended and our client was dead, just like the others.  "What the hell was that thing?!?!?"  People thought we were crazy, talking about glowing black entities that suck the life out of you.

We managed to track down another potential victim.  Stakeout time.  This one was different...the letter was addressed to more than one person...WTF?!? Flash forward, we are in a vortex.  We are trying to approach this thing encasing one of our clients.  It turns and looks at us.  It has a pale white haggard face, the body is a black tattered cloak.  It seems only partially corporal.  It screamed...a blood curdling sound.  The only sound we could hear in the vacuum.  Suddenly the soul of the person it was attacking ascended.  This angered this thing and it launched itself at us.  It had me pinned, I couldn't move.  My partner tried incessantly to free me with no luck.  I could feel him pulling on my arm, I felt his face next to my ear...I am guessing saying something to me.  Who knows, I couldn't hear or see.  I was encased in darkness and freezing cold.  I could feel my life draining away.  I knew what it wanted...it wanted my soul but I fought.  I fought until I couldn't draw breath...and then I woke up. 

Yea, I don't even want to try and analyze these...they are WEIRD!

Cats are weird, oh and my house is haunted

No really...I swear something not of this dimension is totally living in my house.  For the past few months I will randomly hear a loud almost mechanical noise at around 3AM.  It scares the bejeezus out of me!  (of course hubs usually sleeps through it) At first I attributed it to curious cat knocking something but the last few times when I woke up all cats were accounted for... in bed with me *silent scream, silent scream*.  So I pulled the covers over my face and tried to go back to sleep.  On a recent occasion I wasn't fully asleep so when it started I realized it is our printer...prepping to print.  WTF?!?!  I got up and went see what printed...a blank sheet of paper.  "Uhhhhh *gulp*".   Logic kicked in, obviously someone is somehow accidentally accessing the printer via WiFi  or something.  That is why I randomly find blank paper in the finished printing area sometimes.  I turned off the WiFi *yawn* back to bed.

A few nights later I was having a bout of insomnia, sitting on my couch watching TV.  The flipping printer started and I almost screamed.  I slowly crept into the office with my phone flashlight...the WiFi was on and blank sheet of paper was in the bin.  *internal screaming* There has to be a logical explanation...turn off WiFi, curl up in a ball, and pray for sleep.  The next day I asked the hubs if he messed with the printer...maybe turned on the WiFi.  He said no, he hasn't messed with it in a while because the ink is pretty much out.  "Hmmmmm, maybe that is why the paper is always blank *gulp* what would be on the paper if I replaced the ink....".  Shaking those crazy thoughts, I turned off the WiFi (FYI it is a switch) and pretended I wasn't slightly creeped out.  

Last night, while I was home alone, the freaking thing went off again!  I refused to get out of bed.   What good can come out of me investigating the supernatural alone?!?!?  Of course I then slid out of bed, grabbed a stiletto (because that can kill a ghost) and went to investigate.  I tip toed to the office...ya know to sneak up on the undead...flicked on the light...screamed...and then lost it laughing!!!  A black cat was sitting on my desk, next to the printer...right by where the WiFi switch is located.  "Is that lil $hit turning on the WiFi?!?!!?" She ran and I unplugged the printer.  Of course that still doesn't explain the blank paper. . . is she also running a test page???  Did some computer geek come back as my cat and is now messing with me?!? 

OR

Is something else going on and she was just investigating the printer because it was making noise...?!?!?!  I may never sleep again...*waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*!  So I've decided not to replace the ink...because there are some things we just shouldn't know.  My luck it would say "Don’t cremate me. Don’t cremate me!" If that happened, you would have to commit me because my brain would just shut down.

In other news, she apparently is worried about me.  While old lady cat is a snuggler and will head butt you affectionately (while you are sleeping), the demon spawn tends to keep to herself....unless she is, I dunno, concerned, maybe.  Whenever I am sleeping alone (either hubs is out of town or working late) she pats my cheek with her paw until I open my eyes...then she nuzzles me and walks away..."what...what, just happened....?"