I was wrestling a velociraptor

Surprise surprise, I got injured. So I somehow have "tennis" elbow.  

1. I do not play tennis

2. I do not lift weights

3. Whhhhyyyy

About a month and a half ago I noticed it hurt when I picked up my yeti.  The heck?!?!

At first I thought I was imagining it but it got worse and worse.  So I googled it and DAMMIT it's totally "tennis" elbow.  I got an arm band thingy with the "knob" that pushes into your arm.  It's hard to explain but if you google tennis elbow treatment, you'll see one.  

It helped a lot, along with not using my arm...which is difficult because I AM RIGHT HANDED!!!

But I still didn't know what I did.  After some reflection....I realized...I injured myself by OVER USING my arm while using my new Steam Cleaner.  OMG I am so old....

Of all the stupid ways to get hurt. I am NOT telling people this!!!!!

Well It got better so about a week ago...I used it again.  Ya know...the cleaner.  OW!!!!!!!!!!  

I am back in pain.  Can't use my arm...much.  And now I have a SLEEVE.  Like one of those old people copper compression things.  

Well with the sleeve its WAY more noticeable so people are like OMG what happened?!?  

And I don't want to be like "I got a little too aggressive cleaning" but like what am I supposed to say.  

People are trying to guess.  So far

"OMG did you fall off your bike?!?!"

"Too much 3rd Base with the hubs?"

"Which dog is an @$$hole??"

"Sleep wrong?"

"How drunk were you.....?"

"Wait do you play tennis??"

"5lb weights were too much weren't they?"

Alas, nothing so interesting...so I've started coming up with ridiculous things.  

"I joined a trapeze group."

"Too many one armed pull-ups"

"Arm wrestled a kangaroo"

"Water Ballet with Alligators"

"Aliens"

"This one time at band camp..."

You get the picture.  I told my cousin the real reason and she's made fun of me for the last week.  

Did you know that was in there?

So I had that ultrasound. 

The tech was so sweet.  She was like this is going to be awk but we'll see what's up.  Also this isn't like the movie ultra sound you are thinking of.  This isn't squirt gel on the belly and see what's inside.  This is stick a wand in your lady bits and try to relax. 

So it took over an hour (should have been 15 - 20 min) BECAUSE she was so fascinated by my weirdness and impressed with my pain tolerance that she took like 40 pics AND went get another Senior Tech to make sure she was properly seeing things. 

Dude bro....DUUUUUUDE BROOOO.  I have the most pissed off uterus right now!!!!!  The tech said "Oh. Hmmmm. What.  Well.. are you in pain" for the entire exam.  Then the other one said the same.  I was LITERALLY called the "Medical Mystery" of the day.  

Both were like "you know you also have 2 cysts on your right ovary?"  Nope wasn't aware.  "Are you in pain???????"  Honestly I think I am just immune to it now.  So all in all.... I have two Uterine Fibroids - one seems to be stemmed (whatever the f**k that means), a polyp, a possibly "necrotic" fibroid and a "pooling of blood that is just waiting to burst free".  The necrotic thing isn't as bad as it sounds.  It basically means there may have been another fibroid that was basically getting rid of itself.  But the other stuff.... just f**k me man. 

So I saw the Doc and he said I have to have a Procedure to remove the intruders and keep me from having another month long period again. 

It's called a Hysteroscopic Myomectomy and DNC. 

In layman's terms...they go in with a camera with a tool on the end and remove the fibroids/polyps, then scrape the tissue from the uterine walls (OH FUN!). 

I've had something similar about 8 years ago and it f**king sucked.  But this time nothing through the belly button just through the hoohah. But I'll still be down for a few days and no lifting or basically anything more than walking for 2-3 weeks.  

We've got a bleeder!

You know how they say animals are mirrors of their owners?  Whether its in looks or personality I can see it and I am sure people see it with me and my fur babies.  

Mine just happen to also have my propensity for clumsiness!  Let me set the scene. It's a lovely FREEZING morning.  The pups are in rare form because it's cold outside.  Neither like to be cold so they both have on sweaters. 

Of course they are not listening.  So there I am still half dying, COLD, and annoyed.  As I was standing in the doorway in my PJs hoarsely yelling for them I see a tiny shadow out of the corner of my eye.  

It took off running and the pups were in hot pursuit.  I yelled and Little Bit stopped and went inside.  Speedy on the other hand had tunnel vision and chased it into some bushes.

He was fine, sniffing around the fence trying to see where it went through.  

I yelled his name again and he turned to come and then let out the most horrifying screech but then came trotting inside.  

So I started to check him to make sure he was okay when I saw a drop of blood.  But he took off running.   I started to chase him and realized he was leaving a trail of blood droplets  through the house.

He kept worming away from me.  I finally stopped him and managed to find the source.  He had a teeny tiny tear in his ear.

The issue is ITS HIS EAR.  They are SUPER Veiny.  So it's an itty bitty cut but bleeds like crazy.  

Can you imagine trying to hold a 75lb bleeding dog still long enough to stop the bleeding?!?!?!  Also, he is a dog.  Do you know what dogs do when their ears feel "weird"?

When I say my house looked like a murder scene I am not exaggerating!!!  There was blood all over him, the floor, some walls, me, and the hubs. 

We finally got it to stop bleeding and cleaned up the mess.  Then he shook again.

Blood on the TV, floor, my laptop, and rug.

Everytime we got it to stop he'd shake. 

He finally calmed down and it stopped bleeding.  So all day every time he moved I stalked him to keep him from shaking his head.  I was a frazzled mess of nerves by the end of the day.  

For 7 hours no bleeding...SEVEN HOURS.  Then hubs came home and said outside but then got distracted and wasn't watching him.  He shook his head.  It started bleeding again.

He went buy that anti bleeding powder and liquid bandage and an ear wrap.  Poor dog.  

We tried just the powder at first but he kept shaking it and bleeding again.  We got it to stop and I attacked him with liquid bandaid.  But he still kept wanting to shake it.

So he got the ear wrap....

He HATES me!  But at least I can sleep knowing he won't shake his head and bleed out while I am zonked out.

PS I did call the Vet...they told us what to do and said they couldn't do more than that since it was such a tiny cut.  

PPS One of the bushes had thorns *ahhhhhhhh*

Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

So obvi I love animals.  That much is VERY clear.  But sometimes I still want to punt @$$hole animals into traffic.  I would never do that but geeze do they push my buttons!

So not my cat loves to run off anything alive that tries to invade "her" territory. 

She's always there lurking out of sight and comes running when she thinks she is needed.  The ONE TIME she wasn't lurking nearby....I actually needed her!!!

I was in my front yard...minding my own business when some cat with a $hit attitude decided to pick a fight.  I am not scared of cats so my initial reaction wasn't fear but within a split second I realized "this mother f**ker about to attack me".

He/she hesitated but not enough.  They got near my face but I was already swinging my arm to block so I slapped the $hit out of it and it ran off.  In my shock I wasn't really sure what the f**k happened.  

I felt my nose running so I wiped it and saw blood.  Immediately my brain caught up and the pain shot through my nerves.  I ran inside only to see my face GUSHING blood.  

I tried to rinse it off but the blood kept coming.  I basically tried to drown myself in peroxide because at this point every scenario of stray cat issues was streaming through my mind. 

I called a nurse friend as I tried to staunch the flow.  She gave me some advice...because I live in the US and no matter what your political views are you have to admit our healthcare system is F**CKED UP!  So rather than spend $1,000+ at the ER/Urgent Care, I got basically the same care/advice from her, as long as the bleeding stopped and it didn't swell/get red. 

After scrubbing my wounds, stopping the bleeding, and putting treatment on them I got back to work 

Thankfully with my nurse's advice and constant attention, no infection and minimal scarring.   

I've not seen psycho kitty since but not my cat has been around.  And I tell her everytime I see her, where were you when I needed you!?!?!  I was attacked!!!!  And she purrs and demands scritches.  Dammit cat, if you are going to hang around at least be useful!

Nightmare Fuel!

A week or so ago it had been raining here in LA for like a week.  Not just a nice Spring shower in the afternoons.  We are talking about hell being unleashed on Earth.

The wind was so bad I thought my house was going to blow away.  It rained so much so fast my street looked like a river.  The thunder/lightening was so bad I had three animals vying to sleep on top of me because they were scared.  It was a fun week.

Thankfully this hell week is over...or so I thought. 

Since it's been raining so much, I've been having to put a lamp on in my office because it's so f**king dark. 

As I was sitting there trying get my day started I heard something.

Scratch scratch scratch

Scratch scratch scratch

I look in the direction I think the noise is coming from and....

On the tall lamp behind me inside the bowl shade there is a MASSIVE shadow.

I have somehow transported across the room.

I am now staring at this shadow trying to claw its way out of the lamp shade.

Its a bug who shall not be named and its dying and unable to get out, that I can see, but its still alive and I am losing my $hit!

So while whimpering like a fool I found a step ladder and some Raid.

I unplugged the lamp, then I created a swimming pool for my new friend. 

It disappeared into the bowels of the bowl and I figured it was dead.  I was creeping closer, when that mother f**ker suddenly went full Independence Day on me.

I screamed so f**king loud. 

Once I deemed it ACTUALLY dead I carefully put my lamp outside....trying not to freak out more and decided I needed a new one anyway....

And I still needed to work another 8 hours!!!!

I'm pretty sure they heard me on the moon

I had a moment.  A moment of utter fear and anxiety.  I was doing...LAUNDRY!

So here I am doing my usual Saturday clean routine.  I was moving my 2nd load of dark clothes to the dryer.  I picked up some athletic shorts (not mine) to toss into the dryer when the unthinkable happened.  A BUG WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED fell at my feet....which happen to be bare. 

They make the most skin crawling splat noise when they are dead and have been through a super wash cycle. 

I swear to all the deities I screamed so f**king loud, I'm surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops.  It took a second or ten for my brain to reboot and try to figure out what happened.  How is there one of these disgusting creatures in my freaking laundry?!?!?!  We use home defense.  We almost never see them (thank god, I would die) and if we do they are half dead or full dead.  Which is around the point in my internal battle where I realized what had likely occurred.

You see we (both hubby and myself) have a bit of a fear of these...things.  See this post.  If we see a mostly live one a shoe gets hurled at it and we hazmat that sucker out of the house.  You think I am kidding, it involves rubber gloves, plastic bags, a squeegee (bc those little f**kers stick to brooms), and a dust pan.  We ain't playing! 

Anyways dead ones are treated similarly, minus the shoe hurling.  Except two...two decided to die in the overfill pan for our Hot Water Heater.  We've had this silent standoff where neither of us removed them.  I know I know, mature, right... but you can't see them unless you move the door while in the garage and we never do that. 

Moving on, when I was loading the washer some clothes missed the opening slightly and went over the side...closest to the H20 heater.  I caught them and threw them in...but the shorts may have barely touched the pan...I'm thinking those sticky *shudder* legs stuck to the pants and went for a ride.  So I brave a look in the pan...NEITHER are in there.  F**k f**k f**k!!!!  That means....the other....is either in the dryer or in the washer *sobbing*.

So I peek into the washer and die a little inside.  Its in there....amongst my clean clothes...also squeaky.....

.....clean I'm sure.  So now I'm legit crying because I just washed a load of clothes with these two GIANT disease carrying mother f**kers.

Hazmat mode initiated...it doesn't matter that they went through a wash cycle, are missing legs *screaming* and have been dead for a while.  My fear is in full force.  I just know it's going to fly at my face.  I mean it didn't but still!  So I remove both to a bag.  I shake out all the clothes looking for *shudder* legs.  I found some but not all so I am hoping they went down the drain. 

I know this is 100% our own fault...doesn't mean I have to like it.  I am currently rewashing the entire load on hot.  I know its not the best for the material but its the best for my sanity.  Otherwise the whole load is being trashed and that's not financially reasonable.  But let me tell you if I go to put on my running pants and I find a leg....I might die on the spot. 

Side Note - I am not kidding giant.  Come to Louisiana. These f**kers could carry away a small dog.  A "small" one is the length of my thumb. 

I think I lost a nipple

In recent travels I started writing on the opaque shower walls.  Like once it’s steamed up I write “I know what you did”, “your husband knows”, or just “I know”.  You might says it’s pointless because they clean after every guest...true but I feel there is a height limit to the shower cleaning....like above the head, it’s good unless noticeably dirty.

Anyways, I am currently on a getaway trip with the sig other.  We have this....shower.  It’s super nice. Big enough for four 😳 with two wall shower heads and a rainfall head above.  The problem....the water temp is either Loki’s nipple or Hades hot tub....there is no in between!  So I either 

or

.....looks like I’m losing skin this trip.

Not to mention, for a five star hotel, the water takes FOREVER to warm up! Once it got to Dante’s inferno I realized only one head was working.

After fiddling with a knob, the rainfall started but it was freezing cold *shrill scream*. I stepped in once it was around the surface of the sun.

But why is that other wall just dribbling...?

FINE I only need two heads!

After my skin adjusted to the boiling waters of hell, I began to enjoy my multi head shower.

I was bent over shaving a leg when that stupid third head decided to join in the fun. By sending a powerful blast of ice water straight at my tatas.

The spray was coming out so hard it covered the entire shower area.  Opening the door would have soaked the bathroom.  I finally plastered myself against the opposite wall and tried to turn it off. 

Every direction I turned the knobs just adjusted the two original heads.  This mutant shower head was unaffected. 

It eventually warmed up to cooling lava but the stream was so strong it exfoliated...well everything and I was still covered in soap.

I did my best impression of a speed showerer and somehow managed to finally turn off the water.

I have no idea what happened but looking at the head, I think a piece popped out that controls the intensity of the water.  I’m now bright red, half shaved, with a knotted mess of hair...but hey, at least I’m clean....