Pterodactyl Screech

Look I am not generally scared of things but sometimes nature has other plans and it makes my neighbors question my sanity.  

It's been a couple years since I've really gardened and I decided this year, it's happening!

I'm used to creatures.  I'm used to bugs.  I'm used to pollen. 

At a distance!

When I am pulling weeds for a while I tend to sit down instead of kneeling.  I also usually wear pants and long sleeves. This is important. 

As I was tirelessly clearing the garden I saw movement out the corner of my eye.  I looked down and froze in horror.  I had MULTIPLE garden beetles crawling on my arms and legs.  I tried swiping and shaking my arm but they wouldn't budge.  They were crawling higher. 

Queue panic!!! I started frantically trying to get them off, saying "No no no, get off get off get off!!!".  One made it to by bicep and I freaked out jumping up and shaking all my limbs saying "get off get off get off!!!!"

I finally started flicking at them, manically laughing, as they came free.  After I was certain all were off of me I heard "Hey dere girl, you good?"  

My neighbor and his nephew...SAW THE WHOLE THING.

One of these days one of my neighbors is going to film my antics. 

Ever Dance with the Devil in the...bright sunlight?

 I know I know its a wrong quote, I am being funny.    I think I pulled a muscle and I hate everything.  

Kidding, I'm not that old.  But picture it... NOLA 2025.  Its summer and you are watering plants because Invest 93L was a joke and dropped like NO rain.  Ok it dropped some in other places but not a lot here.  

So there I am watering plants as a favor when something smacks me in the side of the face.  

I had music on so I didn't hear anything but looked around.  I didn't see anything so I went about watering and singing.  When out of nowhere I hear "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" by my ear. 

So I look and a f**king wasp hits the lense of my sunglasses.  

 

So I

All while holding the stupid watering wand in my hand. It was like the most spastic water ballet ever.

Meanwhile the f**king wasp kept coming.  So I am like screaming nonsense at this little flying demon. 

I finally dowse it in enough water it flies away.  That is when I realize I have like 20 notifications on my watch and I hear laughing.  

The ENTIRE ordeal is caught on the freaking Ring Camera and the laughing I hear is the person I am doing this favor for and his friends WATCHING ME FIGHT AN "INVISIBLE" THREAT!!!

Apparently he saw the alert I was in the yard and was bragging (AW) to his friends how awesome I am to take care of his plants.  And when he opened the camera to tell me hi.... the above happened.  Which was apparently very entertaining. 

His friend "we could go viral if we upload that!!!!"

Cue MORE laughter.  Yea yea yall live it up....I'll just go waterboard some wasps.  

I'm starting to think you like getting bathed in oil

So my adventures in gardening include bugs trying to destroy all my hard work.  I don't like hard core pesticides so I try natural oils and stuff but these M**her F**kers will not die!  They are white flies and are pissing me OFF!

Everytime I cut some rosemary for cooking or water my plants, I am swarmed by a cloud of tiny white flies.  

I started using neem oil and its helping but the infestation is bad.  So I read where people buy these sticky fly trap things you can stick in the ground around the infested plants.  

People who use them said if any beneficial pollinators get stuck, use a little veggie oil to gently unstick them.  Cool cool, I'm at my wits end!

So to start I put 4 around the worst plants.  They are like the size of the palm of my hand.  I went inside for a bit to cool off and clean a little. When I came back out I had caught something...a F**KING LIZARD!

Bruh, WTAF!  Well I hope the oil works.  So I put a little oil on the sticky pad and carefully peeled Mr Lizard off.  He was surprisingly still and when he was free he hopped on my thumb and stared at me.  

When I put him close to a plant...he ran up my arm and perched on my shoulder. 

He hung out on my shoulder while I repositioned the sticky pad and pulled some weeds.  He jumped off when I went to stand and I told my very shiny friend to stay off the stickies!

I'm the f**king Disney Princess of reptiles. 

Later in the evening we watered the lawn and gardens then went to store to get something for dinner.  When we came back ALL FOUR sticky pads had a reptile on them.

Seriously guys! So I got my oil and went to work de-sticking my reptilian friends.  I had 2 lizards, a gecko, and a skink.  The lizards & Gecko were very chill.  The skink slithers like a snake with legs and kept getting himself restuck!

Around midnight I let the pups out and another f**kng lizard was stuck.  

The next day nothing, whew.  But that night a f**king skink. 

I'm really starting to think you all like being oiled!

The following day one of the sticky pads was missing...so I don't know if a rat, cat, opossum, or what got stuck but maybe that will keep them from coming back. 

It's been about a week and no more lizards, geckos or skinks but a TON of white flies. 

Was that a f **king slug?!?!

 So down here in the deep south we are in the pollening season. 

Which means everyone is sneezy, itchy, and gross.  Even if you don't have "allergies" the pollen wages war.  Normally its doesn't get me too bad but if I am going to be in nature for a long period of time I take an allergy pill as a precaution.  

The other day in the garden I was viciously attacked by nature.  I was fighting with some giant weed from hell when suddenly in came loose, threw me on my butt, and covered my in a layer of yellow.  I had plant spunk all over my face, hair, chest, and arms.  

I "dusted" myself off and finished my chore.  After showering I kept feeling a sniffle but nothing major. That night we went out to dinner as a treat.  While waiting for the hubs to finish ironing his shirt, I kept feeling like I needed to blow my nose but nothing really came out.  

So we are sitting at this nice-ish restaurant and I'm like, I need to blow my nose.  So I go to the ladies room.  There were other people in there so I didn't want to blow obnoxiously.  Some...funk came out (whoohoo) but my right sinus still felt weird.  I went back out to continue with dinner.  As we are enjoying our appetizer I again can feel something weird in my face so I go back to the ladies room.  

This time no one was in there so I went full force with the blow.  I felt an immense pressure release from my right sinus and come out my nose.  

But yay, success!

When I pulled the tissue away something slingshotted back into my nose.

I blew again and again when I pulled the tissue away it shot back in. 

I blew a third time and....ya know this is gonna get even more TMI, feel free to stop reading....

So third time, and I "grabbed" before I stopped blowing.  As I slowly pulled the tissue away I felt...

I felt something sliding down my nasal cavity.  

I am staring at myself in the mirror saying 

"Oh my god, oh my god"

"what the f**k is that"

"What is happening, what is happening"

"Oh god!"

Finally whatever it is slides all the way out into the tissue, and bounces.  

It is a opaque white/yellow, 2" long, fairly wide....wad of...SNOT!  It looked like glue or something!

So I am just staring in disgusted curiosity at what I just extracted from my nostril when I hear:

"hey, that kinda looks like the slime my grandkids play with"

I about jump 10' in the air.  There is a 4' tall little old lady next to me.  I have no idea where she came from or how long she's been there but she is also staring at my extraction.  

She patted me on the shoulder, "I bet you feel much better now, don't you suga" and then wandered off laughing into one of the stalls. 

I stood there horrified and embarrassed for two more seconds before I tossed the tissue, washed my hands, and returned to dinner.  

I have had some pretty gross things happen when I am sick but this was by far the strangest...and I'm not even SICK!

You know you have too much money when you pay to put baby foreskin on your face

What the actual f**k Hollywood?!?!?!  Look I get it, you want to look younger.  So do I but I draw the line at Korean Baby Foreskin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IFL Science posted this LINK.  I just...what?!?!?

This can't be real.  "Cate Blanchett credits her youthful glow to a treatment that uses the foreskins of Korean newborn babies. Aka, a penis facial."  Oh come on Kate...really...? 

Blanchett told Vogue Australia. "It’s something – I don’t know what it is, or whether it’s just cause it smells a bit like sperm – there’s some enzyme in it so Sandy refers to it as the penis facial."

REALLY?!?!?  It smells like sperm?!?!?  I can't with you people! 

All I can picture is people laying on a table with a bunch of tiny foreskins stuck to their faces!!!!! And that my friend is wrong on soooooooooooooooo many levels.

Its the best I can do.  I refuse to google "foreskin mask". That's just asking for gross stuff. 

Okay the actual name isn't Penis Facial.  "the Hollywood EGF facial. It involves a cleanse, an intensive TCA peel, micro-needling, an electrifying mask, and, finally, FDA-approved Epidermal Growth Factor (EGF) serum."

Hold up, swol up....how do we know its the EGF (Foreskin Goop) making you look younger?!?!  Couldn't it have been the 10 other things you had done BEFORE the dick cream??????

Also, "EGF is derived from the progenitor cells of the human fibroblast taken from Korean newborn baby foreskin" does it only work if its Korean newborn foreskin??? What if we can get you a deal on American or Mexican or Canadian Foreskin...? 

$650 & 2 year waiting list to have ground up baby penis skin rubbed into your freshly needled face. 

If you want a real "penis facial" I'll charge you $250 to sit in a steamy bathroom and let Fetish Frank jizz on your face and then rub it in.  Hell, I bet Frank would do it for free. 

What is even happening?!?!?

Apparently, its synthetically made in a lab...but if it is why does it keep saying Korean Baby Foreskin?!?!!?!?!

Side Note:  When I googled "y'all need Jesus gif" I got the below and now I am so confused!!!

It looks so ANGRY!

Seriously, that looks hella pissed!   But truthfully it doesn't hurt.  It itches like a Mother F**ker, but isn't painful.

I do look like I have some sort of highly contagious disease though.  I mean its not contagious at all.  But try explaining that to people you don't know, who have been drinking...quite a bit. 

I looked so hot in my fancy dress with my make-up and hair did.  I tried to hide it but I talk with my hands so numerous people were like "OMG what's wrong with your arm?!?!".   Plus I was in a room full of Doctors and Nurses so everyone had a remedy or diagnosis, even though I said "Its poison ivy.  It isn't infected.  It doesn't hurt.  I am fine.". 

Side Note - Is it just me or does it look like a pissed off red sperm imprint. 

Plants are sentient...I for one welcome our new vegetation overlords...

So I love to garden, right?  Well we are trying to move so we are ramping up the look of our house.  This just means my normal spring gardening just got 10 times more difficult.  I always do a spring clean up but when you are going for pleasing aesthetics you go a little more over the top.

Step one prune back the monster bushes that have taken over the garden.

As I've stated in the past these things went through a flood and ever since have become enormous.  I trim them WAY back every year...multiple times and they grow right back to their mutant state.  My only conclusion is some nutrient in the water from FIVE YEARS AGO changed them somehow.  Its like Radioactive Miracle Gro or something.

Anyways, as I was hacking away at the shrubbery I realized something....it was fighting back!!!!

1.  I was slapped in the face on more than one occasion by "rogue" branches.  

2.  I kept getting caught on branches, that refused to let me go

3.  My shears and saw kept getting ripped from my hands by stubborn shrubbery

4.   I was attacked (or just scared $hitless) by wasps, bumble bees, ants, beetles, doodle bugs, skinks, lizards, baby snakes (non-venomous), spiders (non-venomous), BIRDS....shall I keep going?!?!?!

5.  A plant sneezed on me.  No really...as I was chopping away at one of the shrubs it erupted into a cloud of yellow pollen.  It was like the f**king thing went "ah choo *pahahaha*" in my face! 

 

Basically, I was covered in plant jizz! *ewwwwww*

6.  And this is the kicker.  I am VERY careful in the garden.  Anything with 3 leaves or red vines I steer clear of.  Yet 3 days after playing in my garden...I have a blistery red rash on one arm.  WTF?!?!?!!?  F**k you poison ivy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am a sneezy itchy mess and I have a fancy dress party in one day.  Just shoot me now *sobbing*.

It's the small achievements that mean the most......and are possibly the most entertaining....

Right, so I am pint sized for the most part.  I work out but I am by no means muscular just fit...ish.  Anyways living in the South means that whole "6 more weeks of winter" predicted by Phil is laughable.  Especially since it is currently 78 degrees most afternoons around here.  What that also means is our yards/gardens are hella confused.  "is it spring???" I should blossom and grow, then BAM "cold" front and everything dies.

Well our yard is looking a bit rough.  The grass isn't really growing but those weeds that pop up before spring are growing like...well weeds.  Hubs has been insanely busy so I decided when I got home the other day to Woman up and cut the f**king yard.  I've done it before but now our lawnmower is almost TWELVE years old...its been through a flood, it is a b**ch to start, and no longer has self propel.  Basically it's the grumpy old man of lawn machines.

To top that off it has also been sitting without being used since early November.  In essence it has lawnmower arthritis.  So I get ready to go do this deed, old tennis shoes - check, ear buds - check, phone in armband - check, goggles - check....alright its go time!

I pull out Mr. Grumpy, top off the tank, and prime the line.  Then I try to start it...  I almost pulled my shoulder out of socket, WTF?!?! 

The pull cord is barely moving therefore no spin therefore no start.  So I try to wake it up by gently pushing and pulling.  As I am doing this I am talking...not loud but still speaking out loud. 

Come on...
You got this baby...
Come on....move dammit!
Do I need some lube or something...?!?

When I think its nice and "warmed up", I pull with all my might *clank clank* "Dammit mother f......*grumble grumble*" calm down child *whoosa*. 

So I try again...and again....and AGAIN.  At this point I am not quite yelling but speaking very sternly at the lawnmower...mostly nonsense but "Come on you geriatric piece of $hit" was said at least twice.

I've realized I do not have enough upper body strength to start this thing.  So I use my smarts...I think.  I am on concrete.  I run forward with the mower to get momentum then yank back on the cord as hard as I can.

*vrooom * *sputter sputter* "Son of a whore!"   But that is more than I got before so this method is CLEARLY working better.  Sooooo I keep doing this running start, pull...thing:

*vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* *clank clank* "listen here f**k-o"
*vrm* *thunk* "ahhhhhhh no no no no"
*vrooooooooooom* *sputter sputter* "yes...yes...." 

*clank clank* "Doh! Why wont you start for me?!?!?!

*Vroooooom* *rat tat tat* "Yea buddy!" *clank* "God Dammit you mother f**king rat b**ch....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"

Last time or I go inside.....
*Vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* before it can die I do it again rapid fire like 5 times...more out of frustration than logic.

It starts up "ahhhhahahhahhaa"  

*dancing around while holding the bar to keep it started* 

 "Oh yea that's right.  Whose my b**ch now? Yea!"

 *more crazy dancing*

About this time is when I realized not one but two of my neighbors are in their backyards on this gorgeous afternoon.  And one was in the yard with a 2 y/o...*crap*.  And while they cannot see me...I am 1000% certain they heard almost everything. 

Eh, f**k it...I started the lawn mower...