My super power is injuring myself in my sleep

So it's been a couple weeks and still no police report from the wreck.  I don't know why but its freaking me the eff out!!!!  I know holidays, etc but still.  

Work has been A LOT.  Like yes its "slower" since Thanksgiving but so much is going on.  Contracts are changing, job duties are changing, my counterpart got promoted which I am super happy for him but like I am getting a newbie on all my accounts and it terrifies me!!!!  I got lucky with him.  I was super scared when he took over because his predecessor was my friend for a LOOOONG time and knew the accounts backwards and forwards.  

But again he deserves all the things, I'm just in panic mode because things are so weird with a few of the contracts.  Then my other counterpart got promoted which again AWESOME but it's just a lot of change and the peeps I depend on are getting new duties.  Its just so much change....good change but I have too much going on and am just trying to not drown.  

My car is being a B....she is functional at the moment but randomly has a battery drain and I really don't want to deal with this right now!!!!!!!

One of our bathrooms is being a Tw@t and has been since before Thanksgiving, but I don't want to call a plumber because again.... TOO MUCH GOING ON!

On top of all this my mother makes me worry about her well being daily (a story for another day), the cost of everything has gone up exponentially & my paycheck doesn't go as far, and my cat randomly got the $hits & stopped eating (she's fine now). 

So in true me fashion, I shoulder it all and don't complain.  DO NOT DO THIS! I woke up Saturday morning because I was in extraordinary pain. Like I ran a half and and got punched in the face at the end.  I went about my day cleaning and went to a friends for dinner.  As the day progressed my face hurt.  Like the whole right side.  I was convinced I had a toothache in the newly refilled tooth.  I got orajel and got home and did a cold compress.  That's when I realized the pain wasn't my tooth, I could chew just fine...it was my jaw.  Like the most INTENSE ache in the joint and from the back to the front under my teeth.  

I thought my jaw was going to lock up it hurt so bad.  Heat felt better than cold so I did that, I took some Ibuprofen and went to bed.  I wake up whimpering at like 4AM. That's when I realized, I was clenching my teeth together.  That's right...for I don't know how long, I have been clenching/grinding my teeth in my sleep to the point where my new filling is so sensitive it almost hurts and my jaw feels like I was punched.  

So I have effectively given myself TMJ due to pent up stress.  I ordered a f**king bite guard so I don't injure myself further.  My dentist said if it doesn't go away or gets worse to come in but he thinks the guard will help.  Oh and I should try to destress.  Cool cool... I'll get right on that.  

$1,000 Brick with a side of heart attack....

So you don't know millennial fear until you are backing up your phone to your computer when it tries to suddenly do a software update and THEN your dog yanks the cable out.

It was like the trifecta of f**ked up!!!!  My 'lifeline' to the world was stuck in "restore to factory settings"...

 

Thank God, the backup finished but WTF man?!!?!  Every time I tried to complete the update, it said it couldn't connect to the phone. EEEEEEEEEE!

B**ch was a freaking brick...

It took me 45 min of playing Genius Bar to fix it. 

thank you for giving me enough knowhow to figure it out. 

Finally after force quitting and restarting and doing a naked rain dance it began to update and verify software. 

It FINALLY finished!!!

After a painful 10 minutes of it sitting with less than 10% left I finally took a deep breath and unplugged it. 

I need a freaking Xanax and a shot of tequila. 

Talk about 1st World Problems!!!!

Don't be a tw@t

Public Service Announcement:

If you notice someone has gained weight...SHUT UP.  I guarantee you that person is fully aware that they are heavier.  They are probably VERY upset about it.  They do not need to hear about it from judgy @$$holes like you.

We all see it with celebrities and it pisses me off.  They are still HUMAN.  Just because they gained some weight and aren't a negative 4 doesn't mean we should blast it all over the internet and make them feel worse.

Same goes with your family/friends/co-workers.  Trust me they know what they look like.  And you can't POSSIBLY know what is happening in their life so shut it!

I say this because I have recently become the "target" of such comments.  Not to my face...no that would be rude...BUT to my cousins and brothers and sister in laws...and aunts...and uncles...should I f**king continue?  It came to a head when I said something to a cousin and she told me "yea...I've heard a lot about your @$$ and thighs recently...it pissed me off!"  Yea well it pisses me off too!

I am not a size zero (nothing wrong with that by the way) but I am not f**king fat either!  I am horribly out of shape compared to this time last year.  My muscle has turned to...not muscle.  Booooooooo!  But its not because I've become a lazy f**k or something.  Its because I am dealing with stupid $hit that I can't talk to anyone about except my husband (NDA b**ches) and I am f**king stressed out!

I am still running races but I went from working out 6 days a week to maybe one...maybe.  I don't eat awful BUT I've been eating out much more.  I don't eat sweets much so that's good but my guilty pleasure is a coke.

Why?  Well because I am driving an hour each way to work...EVERY DAY.  I am working 10 hour days.  By the time I get home its f**king dark...or getting dark and I am trying to attempt dinner.  Otherwise we order in.  I don't stop at all 'til bed time.  I go to bed...rinse repeat.  Could I make time?  Of course...I'd sacrifice sleep and at the moment...I don't think I can.  I am barely getting 6 hours a night now.   I am taking supplements to help with lady things that happen to make you retain a bit more fluid.  I have diagnosed IBS and while its under control for the most part when I get stressed my tummy pokes out because just look up IBS and you'll get it.

So yea I am a bit jiggly in places I didn't used to be.  I think I look like $hit, thanks.  But I don't need comments from the peanut gallery and I still fit in my clothes (and no they aren't too snug) so suck it!  I mean somethings I forgo...like a really tight shirt....or anything that grips the tummy area.  And GOD am I dreading putting on a swimsuit but whatever. 

My point is quit talking $hit.  You don't know what other people are going through, unless you ask...and NO ONE HAS ASKED!  You aren't making comments because you are concerned...if you were you'd say them to me in the form of "hey, I noticed you aren't running as much...you okay?" or "I noticed you aren't working from home as much...wanna talk about it?" See that isn't RUDE!  You are making comments behind someone's back to gossip so, f**k you very much. 

How the f**k did I turn out semi normal?!?!?!

No but really.  I joke about my crazy family but they really are like LEGIT weirdos.  And not in the fun kind of way.  No, I'm talking about in the stress you out until you lose your f**king mind kind of way. 

Let me set a scene for you.  I got a text...NOT A CALL A F**KING text that said "Patriarch fell in the bathroom.  Had to call Fire dept. Matriarch said he's acting funny and talking odd." 

What would you have said???  I said "did he have a stroke??? what hospital is he at?" 

20 min later "He's not at the hospital.  I'm going over there later."

WTF?!?!?!  Apparently its not too bad.

STG 8:30PM I get another f**king text "He looks bad.  He shakes.  Maybe a stroke.  Never slept.  Won't eat.  Maybe Dr. will call me tomorrow.  Say a prayer."

Are you F**KING kidding me???  "I'll say a prayer but....You think he had a stroke...and he's home?!?!?!  Call 911 NOW, the first few hours after a stroke are CRUCIAL to survival!!!!"  I get he is over 90 but COME ON. 

20 texts back and forth and I'm told "he knows what stroke is, he fine.  Don't call the other kids, don't want to worry them.  No hospital.  He's going to sleep."

My side of the 20 texts "Call.the.ambulance.NOW!  Don't you think we should at LEAST call his kids...ya know in case this goes south.  What if he doesn't wake up!?!?  Fine, whatever!  Don't listen to me.  Clearly you crazy people know more than a medical professional!!!!!" (not me but I still thought he should see one)

I attempted to go to sleep...which can I tell you really didn't f**king happen.  Then I went to work because you know "responsibilities".  I waited until 10:40AM to attempt contact.  Mother F**king crickets.  Seriously?!?!!?  You TEXT me and basically imply the Patriarch is dying, then tell me it isn't so bad, then don't answer the god blessed phone....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?!?

I have been semi sane.  I've only called every 30-40 min and sent a few texts.  Still...NOTHING! I would assume if it was bad, I'd have gotten a response but who f**king knows.  These are the same people that thought after a 90+ yo fell he DIDN'T need to be seen by a doc. 

I hate docs to but can we make an adult decision.  A LOGICAL adult decision.  For my f**king sanity.  And God help me if I get a TEXT with bad news...I may lose my mind for real. 

Want to make a woman go bat-crap crazy on you....tell her she is like her mother AFTER she just complained how bat-crap crazy her mother is....

I am basically chill.  Most things don't get to me.  I am not easily offended.  Everyone gets mad/irritated/upset but I usually handle it in a very mature manner.  But there are times.  Oh there are times when the stars align.  These are bad times.  It usually means I've absorbed too much bull$hit.  I am past full.  One more molecule of bull$hit and it will all come flying back out.  Usually at an unsuspecting person who, in their defense, is used to me being calm and collected not a raging bull. 

Okay so here is why I was "full":

1. I am sick, like got the crud from idiot co-workers who came to work with the Plague and touched all my stuff, oh AND coughed INTO my office without covering their mouths!!!!!

2.  For the past 15 months we have been watching Oil go into the $hitter.  Last month it tanked.  $25 per barrel, what the actual f**K?!!?!?  I mean it rebounded some but this is still bad.  We live in LA...an oil & gas state...people are being laid off...this is NO BUENO

3.  With that knowledge my sig other has STILL been pestering me about a new vehicle.  Well a used vehicle...new to him.  Because he "wants" it.  Oh yea, well I want all sorts of stuff...doesn't mean I am going to just buy them!  Look, I am nice to a point.  "I really don't think that's a wise decision".  "You wont be able to sell your vehicle for what is left on the note".  "Why get ANOTHER note when this one will be paid off in 1 year?!?!" "I might not have a JOB in a few months...".  "FFS just NO!"

4.  Same discussions were had at the end of LAST year regarding a gaming console (that is for both of us *rolling eyes*), a family trip to the most magical place on Earth, and an overpriced gym membership with a CONTRACT.  I nixed those ideas citing FAILING ECONOMY and potential job loss.  I was "vetoed".  And by vetoed I mean he bought them anyway even after I said, bad idea.  It was justified with bonuses, tax refunds, a more than likely promotion, and a but I really want ____.  Yes, lets spend money we don't have YET.  That whole working as a team thing in action *beating head on keyboard* jhakhdfkhsj.

5.  My female parental unit has been driving me up an ever loving wall with BS tech crap.  Look I get it...you weren't "raised" with computers....but NEITHER WAS I technically and I still figured them out.  So if you want my help STOP yelling at me when I try to help.

6. My office is in the process of selling EVERYTHING that we don't need and moving to a smaller location.  It has been "organized" chaos for 3 weeks. 

7.  I'm.a.girl

This is like the unholy aligning of everything awful.  I've managed so far.  I haven't lashed out.  I've taken everything in stride *whooosa*.  And then I broke.

Me: *sounding completely defeated* Can you please clean up the kitchen tonight, its your turn or something.
Other half: You aren't the only one who cleans the f**king kitchen
Me: Ummmmm, right...just asking and don't "curse at me"
Other half: Just saying, I'll do it later
*text notification*
Me: *sigh* why can't she just do what I tell her and not freak out in 1000 !!!!! because "she wasn't raised with computers"
Other half:  *silence* *staring at phone*
Me: Right  *goes to heat up dinner* *starts putting away dishes because I am in there so why the f**k not*
Me:  Can you feed the dogs?
Other half: *Silence*
Me: *starts feeding dogs*
Other half: *5 minutes later* I'm going to bring convict (dog) to see that vehicle.  *looks up* I said I'd do it!
Me: *with attitude* Really, didn't hear you say, well ANYTHING.  Plus, I was in here and I didn't want to "nag" you into actually helping out
Other half: *quietly* You sound like your mother
Me: *leans over sink trying to convince myself that throwing my dinner at him would be a bad idea and almost failing*

 *instead bursts into angry tears*
Other half: *doesn't notice* *comes in kitchen*  Why are you crying...?
Me: Go away, I've got it
Other half: I said I'd do it. Why are you crying???
Me: Please leave me alone
Other half: Stop.  Why...
Me: Of all the f**king things you could say to me, you say that?!!?!?
*chaos ensures* *confusion* *I was just jokings are said*
Other half: Well, that is something she would say

Me: I'm out...*has an anxiety attack in the bedroom*
*15 min later*
Other half: I'm going to check out that vehicle tomorrow
Me: *screaming in my head* Ya know what, whatever

I am very proud that I didn't throw anything because I REALLY WANTED TO.  I mean am I being too understanding...am I that hard to read...or is this just a case of "I want to do it, so I'm going to do it (or not do it), regardless of what MY SPOUSE says".  

P.S. We talked it out a little later and the vehicle is now off the table because "I don't want him to have it *rolling eyes*".  Still more to be discussed. We all have issues mine just all came to a head at one time.  Financial BS is the WORST, especially when only one of you seems to pay attention to the world outside of our little bubble.  3,000 people showed up to a New Costco where 300 jobs were being added.  THREE THOUSAND unemployed persons...most being overly highly qualified showed up to get jobs as cashiers and stockers (nothing wrong with those jobs, just pointing out how not normal that is).  Yes, lets buy unnecessary things right now, that's a great idea... 

Just call me twitchy

So I look a bit like a nutter right now.  My eye is twitching.  I am talking like legit muscle spasm happening.  Its my upper eyelid and it is the absolute strangest sensation.  I can see my eye lashes dancing in my peripheral.  What makes it worse is that because it feels weird my initial instinct is to squint that eye.

So now I have a squinty, twitchy eye and I really think I need to go home.  I feel like I look like Squidwort, except it is the other eye.

The only remedy is reduce stress, take a nap and have a glass of wine...not necessarily in that order.

I REALLY need to go to the store but I am concerned I would frighten children.  I mean that actually wouldn't bother me but I'd hate to be attacked by some overprotective soccer mom who thinks I am a cracked out perv winking at her kid.  

Seriously, I look rough.  I mean I am my worst critic but for reals...my eyes are bloodshot, dark circles, kinda pale and TWITCHY.  I think the twitchy really finishes the look.  Why can't this $hit happen around Halloween, the twitch would really add to any proper mental patient/serial killer ensemble.

I am totally a time traveler

That is the only explanation.  I have somehow been zapped back into the dark ages.  Or maybe the early 1900's.  Or maybe I am in a totally different universe, as in Game of Thrones.  You know where is is acceptable for men to think they can control women! Even in Game of Thrones they are trying to break that habit (hello, Asha...Cersi...Arya...)!

But alas it is 2014 and I want to punch someone so bad I am shaking!  I wont go into complete details but there was drama.  I mean all out stupid "on Wednesdays we wear pink " type drama (as in High School).  Yet we aren't in High School, much less the movie mean girls so why all the drama?!?!? 

I'll tell you why.  Because someone who happens to have a penis thinks he can tell the rest of us (who don't have that appendage) what we can and cannot do.  And this isn't a boss-man.  A boss-man has the right to BOSS you around some (he signs your paycheck).  No this person isn't any of our bosses, he's not a policeman or anything like that, he just happens to share our bloodline.  Seriously, why should anyone care who I (we) talk to...family is family...why should I not speak to someone because you have a beef with, not them, but their "other" family. So because of that we cannot associate with our family.  I, just...what?! 

Listen up you Lannister wanna be.  You ain't my daddy and you ain't my husband (which in GoT could be one in the same) and even if you were I still wouldn't listen.  You know why?  Because I am a grown ass woman and there is no flipping way I am going to let you tell me (or the other females) what I can and cannot do.  And if I ever here you say "*she* should have known her place" in front of me, holding back a slap will be very difficult.  Granted this phrase wasn't directed at me but another female and I wasn't there when it was said.  But who says that???  That is like the ultimate verbal slap to any female.  It almost as bad as "shhh, the men are talking" or "why don't you go fix me a sandwich".  Ya know what F you, you F-ing, F-er!  I don't care if we are related you will not speak to anyone like that! 

And be glad this isn't GoT, because if it was your ass would have been poisoned by now or shot with an arrow while on the loo by the son you don't really claim. 

Having peen does not give you privileges.  Having no peen does not take away my rights.  Basically being male/female/undecided does not mean others have to bend to your will.  We are all human get over yourself! 

Ugh, I cannot believe this even happened.  The nerve!

Ya know what grinds my gears?!?!

People!  People in general make me want to drive pencils through my eyes and ears so I don't have to see or hear them ANYMORE!

Simple directions are lost on so many.  Its like their lives are so mundane they feel like the simplest tasks need to be made more difficult because truly something that simple can't be right.  WRONG!!! You are so freaking WRONG.  It is that simple, I made it simple, because you have shown me YOU are in fact simple.  Now it is complicated and even my clearly superior brain can't figure out what the eff you did so don't call here and ask me what you did because I have no idea!  I don't know why I even try sometimes.  I've been told I have the patience of a Saint but after dealing with non thinkers over the years my patience is wearing thin.  I don't fancy myself a genius but I clearly have a better eye for detail and logic than those I deal with regularly.  The mantra is work SMARTER not HARDER but the smarter I work the harder others try to make my life difficult.  Seriously my head is going to explode.  Ya know why?  Because I have to deal with the fallout.  I may not have caused the most royal mess up to date but I am going to have to deal with it and that is why at the moment I have tunnel vision and feel like I am going to be sick.  

I am surrounded by negativity...this cannot be good for my health

I just cannot get away from it lately.  I am a positive person most days.  I mean we all have down in the dumps days but I try to stay positive. 

I've always heard that if you surround yourself with positivity or negativity it will bleed into your life.  I never really used to hold any truth to that but now I am not so sure.  I find that the more upbeat and happy I try to be the more people try to bring me down.  Not everyone in my life, like my close friends for example are extremely positive and supportive.  This also goes for some of my family...notice I said SOME. 

Then there are those persons that just never say anything positive.  Examples:

Me:  Hey, how's your day? *big smile*. 
Others: Well I barely got any sleep last night because I had "tummy" problems.  So I am exhausted.  I spent the night in the bathroom.  I think it was the *insert not so healthy food*.  *insert lots of talk about gas*. 
Me: Maybe you shouldn't eat....*death glare from other person* never mind. 

Me:  Good morning!
Others: I wish my dog was still alive.  He really kept me company. 
Me: So not a good morning

Me: Hey :)
Others: Did you hear so and so died?  All my friends are dying.  I could die.  *sigh*  Oh and _____ has terminal _______. 
Me: I, uh, wow...sorry. 

Me:  Soooo how ya been??? 
Others: Did you know my house is falling apart?  He left me in this house, its all his fault.
Me: *face palm*

Me: Hi, hey hey!
Others: This country is going down the shitter.  This president is ______.  The youth of today just don't understand how to survive.   By the time you have kids we will be in another depression, I hope I am dead.
Me:  Ummmm, sooooo....

I know its not that bad but this is ALL the time.  Mind you the dog passed 2 years ago and the "he" left 28 years ago... I try to be supportive but I just can't deal sometimes.  Me *happy, yay* them *doom, gloom*  Honestly it makes me not want say anything anymore. 

I feel like I am in that scene from Robin Hood: Men in Tights:

Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes...
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while...
[Remembers]
Blinkin: Oh, you were away!
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?


I think my favorite is when I talk about babies.  Peeps are all yay, you want kinds.  *immediately goes into story about their experience*.  Which happens to be kind of awful most of the time.  I mean I am trying to get pregnant and people are telling me how hard it is, how everyone has a touch of endometriosis which can cause problems, how many miscarriages they had, how I am "older", how if we've been trying for more than ____ months there is a problem, how we are clearly infertile because it hasn't happened yet, etc, etc, etc.  I am assuming you mean well (I guess) but these are NOT what you should be telling someone who wants to get pregnant!  You should be spouting positive things not the realm of impossibilities.  Leave those diagnoses to DOCTORS! 

But these negative things are starting to affect me.  I find myself being VERY negative about the possibility of  a little one. Like I have somewhat convinced myself that something is seriously wrong with my lady parts so I shouldn't expect to have a wee wittle one.  That is sad.  It is.  I should not feel this way!  But when it is beat into your head ALL THE TIME from well meaning people then you start to believe it.  I get it...making a baby isn't easy but you could at least try to say something that wont send me into a fit of anxious tears as soon as I am alone.  Also the constant barrage of "yo, why aren't you preggo yet???" isn't helping.  I don't know.  It is not for lack of trying!  I don't mind being asked that is fine but when the same people ask over and over and over.  I am like dude, working on it! That is a pet peeve.  If you know someone who is "trying" do not keep asking them if they are...just wait.  They told you they are trying...reminding them EVERY TIME you see them that they still aren't with child can be annoying. 

I guess I am just tired of people trying to dull my sparkle.  Its like the darkness in them sees how bright my light is shining and is determined to drown it into inky blackness.  STAHP! I like being bright and lighthearted but it is becoming harder and harder to be that way.  I've always been told misery loves company, I guess I never realized how true those words were.  *sigh* I only wish those that are so miserable weren't persons I have to be around regularly. 

I need to control my facial expressions or maybe others should learn how to be human!

Okay so I've been told since I was a wee wittle one that I am very expressive. I would put on a face to let people know I was not having any of their $hit.  My mom has always said that getting me to smile as a child was sometimes a challenge which cracks me up because these days I am usually all smiles, even when I am not feeling 100%.  I guess I learned that one as I grew up.  You know put on a happy face so no one will ask what is wrong.  Probably not the healthiest way to deal with things but I like to keep stuff to myself so yea.  So I have the open look where you know what I am thinking or I have the closed look where I could be feeling anything but on the outside you'd never know. 

But apparently as I get older my open facial expressions are more telling and more frequent.  So when before I used to wear a "mask" so to say and people didn't really know what I was thinking...today my thoughts are written all over my face.  I can still do the mask if I think about it but its become less of a habit. 

This my friend is a problem!  I work with face to face with clients fairly frequently and when they say dumb things I have to remind myself to not react.  It is almost torture.  Because I want to give the ultimate "bitch please" face but instead I just smile and say, "its not a problem" or whatever. 

So I must remember that my raised eyebrow, deer in the headlights look (its my surprise face but my boss calls it that),  sideways stare, expressionless "are you kidding me" look, eyebrows pulled together while staring people down and fake "hahaha, you are an idiot" laugh should probably be left at home only to be used in my personal life.  Otherwise I risk the chance of getting fussed at for being intolerable, inconsiderate, unprofessional or something of that nature.  I am not trying to be a jerk but other people are rude; unfortunately I work in high level customer service...I wish I could be rude right back but I cannot because then I am the "bad guy". 

But you know what if you say something inappropriate to me be prepared for my bitch face + sarcasm.  Go ahead and report me! My figure/my face/my clothing/my marital status/my whatever have NOTHING to do with why I am meeting with you.  You have no right to make me feel uncomfortable because you can't control your hormones!  That is something no one has to tolerate no matter what their position is. 

Let me clarify, I am not talking about someone saying I look nice today or I like your shoes/skirt/hair...I am talking about the oogy, look you up and down and make a lewd comment people.  Or the people who "get in trouble" for not doing their job so they complain about what you wear because "it is distracting".  Swear to God this happened!  I don't dress "sexy" for work.  I dress professional/trendy.  I am sorry but if you see some shoulder or some collarbone or some kneecap and can't think straight enough to work that is YOUR problem, not mine!  Quit looking at me as a sex object you creep! Yes this still happens.  I know some people try to say that this doesn't happen in the workplace/business setting anymore because of "laws" but I can tell you it most certainly DOES still happen and reporting it isn't easy because it is your word against theirs and honestly unless they are being touchy or aggressive it is not worth it (isn't that awful?!?!?!). 

So I use my bitch face, my sarcasm, my invisible armor and I make a mental note not to be alone with people who make me uncomfortable or I suggest we meet in a more public area instead of their office.  I protect myself because we all know I am the only one who really cares what happens to me.  All I need is another weirdo showing up at my office because they think we are whatever and then yelling at me because I don't return the feelings (yes this also happened...it wasn't a client but my "niceness" bit me in the ass). 

Hyp.....per.....vent....il.....a....ting....

*breathe, breathe*

Ok so its not one huge thing but all these little things are starting to make me a certifiable crazy person. Where to start . . .

1. Car issues. If you are confused please go back and read recent posts about my adventures with Chrissy & Mike (fiance's vehicle). We are ok (for now) Shhhh don't say anything too loud, I think she can hear me. . .

2. I'm getting married. . .like soon o_O. Which at the beginning was very smooth and easy. These last few months have tested my patience. I am a VERY laid back person. I usually take others opinions and advice and figure out what I want to do. I'm non- confrontational and if you have a better idea than me, I can accept that. So what I am saying is people aren't used to me having a STRONG opinion. . . much less saying, No. Well its our wedding and we have an idea of how we want things to look and be. Well apparently we are wrong and that's NOT what we want. . . who knew I didn't know what I wanted. Long story short, I pissed off many people by sticking to what I want and not what they want and saying, "no sorry we want ____". My dad is 100% supportive of, "this is our wedding and we can do what we want" (nothing tacky). Just because you like something, doesn't mean it is something I like or picture in my wedding. It doesn't mean its not nice/pretty/a good idea BUT its not ME. I am not preppy (not by any means) so doing anything preppy would not scream NOLA Girl. . . it would seem fake. So I am having a lot of you shouldn't do this, you just CAN'T do that, etc. I had few upturned noses at my color choice for my Bridesmaids. . . its deep purple. . . WTH is wrong with deep purple?! Its not like hot pink or electric blue .. .Anyways in the midst of all my 'decision making' I am pretty sure my nephew was pulled from the wedding and some other important peeps are not participating as much as before (like not coming to events and not having good excuses). The budget got way outta control which I am confused because last I checked we were under so WTH was added????? Its not all my fam either...just saying. Me and my fiance are so NON DRAMATIC so this is really testing our patience.

3. I'm going to Vegas!!!!!!!! For another wedding. . . right before mine. . . which is soooooooooooooo exciting but just means I have that much more to do. Oye Vey.

4. I still haven't sold this STUPID house so I am STILL linked to my ex via this STUPID house. Now I am stressing out because come wedding day new husband is moving in with me come hell or high water and I cannot pin down my ex to explain this to him and why I cannot be tied to him any more!!!!! I was REALLY hoping it would sell before the wedding. But contrary to the media. The housing market still SUCKS! People are making offers. . . but they are offering $10,000 LESS than what I still owe. Sorry I am not taking a loss . . . that is DUMB! So as of today its not sold :( And I know its not just me. I have 4 friends that are selling houses in different areas and none can get a bite. . .so depressing.

5. Job DRAMA! Mine is always drama but its tolerable. . .usually. Its depressing now because a few months back we got rid of 4 people and we had 1/3 of our customers pulled from us because of new laws, etc. So we shrunk and cannot add much new business easily so its scarey. Again contrary to the 'media' the economy is NOT recovering. Business is FAILING, prices are rising and just living costs so much its not even funny. So its constantly in the back of my mind I will show up one day and the doors will be boarded up with a sign that says "out of business". Or that they'll decide I am no longer needed because they need to cut back more. . . I'm so nervous all the time! Then my fiance's job is taking a toll on him. He has a boss that doesn't always take the professional route. I mean he was called an "oversized paperweight" and they keep threatening him . . . and said boss walks in and screams at him in front of everyone . . .insulting his intelligence and just being a bully almost. But he was never really trained on how to do anything so if he's not doing something its because he was not aware that he was supposed to be doing it. Regardless you should NEVER do that. . . its so unprofessional. Plus other people mess up MUCH worse than him but they always target him. . . its almost like they are trying to pin something on him. Its really stressful for him and me because we don't know when the hammer will drop, ya know. Ugh, I hate drama!

So that's my rant. Its nothing huge . . .yet but its enough to stress me the heck out!

I hate lemonade!

Really...I mean REALLY!?!?!

So I really think some higher power wants to see how much it will take to 'break' me :P. I was driving home today talking to my fiance. He was headed to the store to get some necessities. I was telling him about something and he says "what the hell?!?" I said what's wrong. He said his car just died. I'm sorry...what?! He said "I was sitting at the red light waiting for it to change and when I went to go nothing happened. . .then I realized the car was off. I tried to restart is and it wont go." OK he just replaced the battery and starter about 4 months ago. The noise I heard in the background was the engine was trying but just couldn't turn over to start. So there he is stalled on a fairly busy street at 5:00PM and I'm still 45 minutes away because I had to pick up my race packet for Sunday. He decided to call AAA and get it towed. I got to him about an hour later and still no tow truck. When he finally showed up, the tow driver said "that sounds like a fuel injection issue". Oh, that's just freaking fabulous!!!!!!!!!!

So we tow the car to my house because we have NO IDEA where to bring it. No places were open at this point to call and see if they even worked on his type of vehicle. More than likely they do but we didn't want to take a chance. So we get to my house and my beighbor sees us outside with his hood popped. He said "hey you having car problems". Hi neighbor...yea :(. He said let me take a look. He's a mechanic, yay! He said he thinks its the timing belt (CRAP!). He said he can see the cam shaft and its not spinning which usually means timing belt. The only good thing is that if it did break he wasn't doing 90 to nothing on I10 he was just idling at the light. That might have saved his engine. So now we will be bringing him to some mechanic soon to see if it is the belt and how much. I know for my little car its about $400 to change the belt...in his SUV I'm sure its much higher. . .*sigh* We can fix my car...affordably (under $200) and now his car may have SERIOUS engine issues. Why why why why!?!?!?!

Feeling really really bad now...

Ever had your eyes opened suddenly?

So the holidays have been rough. Fun but rough. I realized today that I may have screwed up... You see Internet guy really really really wanted to meet my family and friends for xmas and I said flat out no. Mainly because many of my distant fam doesn't know about me and my ex and that would have been WEIRD for us both plus my friends...they are VERY protective of me and I wasn't sure how'd they react. And thats a HUGE step for me. My family and friends are everything to me. I don't just bring guys to meet them. Well it caused a HUGE fight. And I was so mad at how he talked to me and told me I didn't care. Plus I felt like he just didn't get it. SO I gave a little and said he could meet two of my girls xmas night if we did something. He took that as drive to the area and wait for me... then get mad when I don't call. Well Christmas night was the last straw for me. He fussed at me and told me I was inconsiderate and then hung up. Well I was PMSing and pissed so when he called back I didn't answer.

Flash forward to today (Dec 27). I read a survey on social networking site and realized I was overly bitchy. I really hurt him and was completely insensitive to that. I really wasn't trying to be but I was. And I pride myself on knowing what to say and reading people and this time I was totally off!

All he wanted was my attention, thats it. He wasn't trying to force himself into my family and friends (although thats what it seemed like to me) and just wanted me to give a little and I am so keen on being independent I shut him out and obviously sent mixed signals. Now I still stick to my list of needs from a man but today I realized he will meet more of them than I let on and I was just trying to justify not being with him. I talked to him today and feel awful. I don't want a relationship, I think he knows that but I like him... ALOT more than I thought. I don't want him out of my life, I thought I did but I don't. I think my problem is see things progressing and I am scared. I can see us together and I am freaking out. I pushed him to act this way by being selfish.... which honestly I am entitled to after the last 5 years but he doesn't deserve the brunt of my excess baggage, right? So we talked on the phone today for just a few minutes while he was at work and I apologized for dragging him into this and he apologized for over-reacting. Not a great conversation but an OK one.

I still think he has alot to do before I could ever consider him my boyfriend... like deciding what he wants to do with his life, growing up and moving out. Oh yea and that whole mistrust thing. But I have alot to do too. I have to not treat him like he will crush me and screw up like my ex, make progress with getting out of my house and realize I will never be happy in another relationship until I get over my fear of men.

I think I am done now, I need to stop crying before I go out with my girls later. *sigh* I really hate drama and this time I caused it...!!!!!!!

**EDIT - 12/29/08 - Ok so we talked ALOT right after I wrote this and last night. He annoyed the S**T out of my right after but last night we were cool. He says I have a lot to do to make it up to him. I pretty much said what you see is what you get, deal with it. And I think we are cool. I'm not going to be with him, nor do I want to although we mesh really well. I guess we'll see what happens and who comes along in the mean time ;). K going back to work now :D

Survival of the...fitest...?

How are we all going to make it through what's going on in our economy?

As I am sure you have noticed the price of everything has gone up. The same grocery items that used to total $70 are now well over a hundred and thats with me buying Generic brands. It's getting scary.

So what prompted this rant besides my rising grocery bill? Well lets just say I got a double whammy today. We found out this morning that our Health Insurance was going up. Oh yay again. Well we were told it is going up $30 per pay check bringing our employee portion to $100 per pay check...$200 per month...OUCH! It was presented really crappy to us also so everyone was pretty miffed. Well we gripped about it but no one really seemed to care except our VP. She went in there and tore them a new one. She made sure they understood why everyone was so ticked off. $30 per paycheck seems like small potatoes but when you haven't gotten a cost of living raise in 3 years that hurts like a MF.

They said they are going to have another meeting and explain it better, which is fine BUT that still doesn't help us any. I know we are a small company but holy crap I was struggling to make ends meet before, this DOES NOT help. My VP pulled me aside to talk and asked me what she could do to help me (I was borderline anxiety attack). All I could tell her was money. There is nothing else she can do for me except get me a raise. The cost of everything has gone up gas, food, insurance, clothes, etc etc etc. She said she knows and if she could she would get me a huge raise but the company is feeling it also. I told her I know. I know that if I am feeling this pain the company is feeling it in some way also, I am not dumb, I know businesses are not immune from this insanity but if I cannot afford to eat or buy food what good am I to the company.

Well after we finished talking I went back to my desk and got an email with my electric bill in it. I almost screamed!!! My bill was over $200. My bill has NEVER been over $100 and that was running the AC all day during the summer when my mom lived with me. I was flipping out. I thought surely that is wrong, they must have miss read the meter (which has happened before). As I scanned the bill I realized it was not. My Energy charges for the month were $87 (normal summer bill), but there was this other charge...a FUEL SURCHARGE. Okay I am not dumb I know its been there but it has always been minimal. It was $124!!!!!!!!! That is 1.5 times as much as my actual Energy usage. Are you freaking kidding me??? That is not fair! It is a flat rate charged to everyone. Personally I think it should be based on a percentage of your Energy usage so that those that are NOT mindful of wasting electricity get more of a charge and people like me don't get slammed!

So I turned about 50 shades of red before I got up to walk it off. One of my co-workers thought I was about to lose it, which she was right, that was the freakin' cherry on top of my crappy day. But somehow I managed to contain it until quitting time. But when I got in my car to start driving home, I let it all out. It wasn't a full on anxiety attack but had I not let out that pent up frustration it would have been worse the next day or in a few days when something small might trigger it off.

I just don't know where to cut corners. I live on a budget. I only buy basic food products, I don't party it up every single weekend, I don't speed and I take care of my car to get good gas mileage and I have a part time job to help make up the difference. Please tell me what else I can do, well besides moving back in with mom and dad or getting a Suga Daddy. *sigh*