Plants are sentient...I for one welcome our new vegetation overlords...

So I love to garden, right?  Well we are trying to move so we are ramping up the look of our house.  This just means my normal spring gardening just got 10 times more difficult.  I always do a spring clean up but when you are going for pleasing aesthetics you go a little more over the top.

Step one prune back the monster bushes that have taken over the garden.

As I've stated in the past these things went through a flood and ever since have become enormous.  I trim them WAY back every year...multiple times and they grow right back to their mutant state.  My only conclusion is some nutrient in the water from FIVE YEARS AGO changed them somehow.  Its like Radioactive Miracle Gro or something.

Anyways, as I was hacking away at the shrubbery I realized something....it was fighting back!!!!

1.  I was slapped in the face on more than one occasion by "rogue" branches.  

2.  I kept getting caught on branches, that refused to let me go

3.  My shears and saw kept getting ripped from my hands by stubborn shrubbery

4.   I was attacked (or just scared $hitless) by wasps, bumble bees, ants, beetles, doodle bugs, skinks, lizards, baby snakes (non-venomous), spiders (non-venomous), BIRDS....shall I keep going?!?!?!

5.  A plant sneezed on me.  No really...as I was chopping away at one of the shrubs it erupted into a cloud of yellow pollen.  It was like the f**king thing went "ah choo *pahahaha*" in my face! 

 

Basically, I was covered in plant jizz! *ewwwwww*

6.  And this is the kicker.  I am VERY careful in the garden.  Anything with 3 leaves or red vines I steer clear of.  Yet 3 days after playing in my garden...I have a blistery red rash on one arm.  WTF?!?!?!!?  F**k you poison ivy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am a sneezy itchy mess and I have a fancy dress party in one day.  Just shoot me now *sobbing*.

It was broad daylight! They don't like DAYLIGHT!!!!! They are the vampires of the bug kingdom!!!!

That is my ONLY comfort when it comes to a bug who shall not be named!  If it is Daytime you will not see them.  Well unless you pick up a rock or dig into a shadowy place...then you are just asking for one to fly at your face.

I home defense my house annually and usually don't have issues inside.  We treat the grass and gardens with  bug be gone pellets or whatever and water them in.  This usually keeps most creepy crawlers away.

In my quest to murder the shrubbery I discovered something.  Well I discovered a few things but I discovered something that made me look like a COMPLETE lunatic (like climbing a tree with sharp objects made me look normal)!  I was hacking away at the bushes near my front door when I heard a noise.  It sounded like dead leaves falling so I ignored it...I mean I was trimming a lot that is to be expected.

I heard it again as I walked away...hmmmm...maybe a bird...  I decided to investigate (BAD IDEA).  As I parted the branches about 20 (I may be exaggerating slightly) bugs who shall not be named came running and FLYING out.  F**k me sideways!!!!!! *runs away screaming like I am being murdered*.  "OMG they are on me! I know they are on me!!!!"

Sooooo none were on me *whew* but they seemed to have disappeared *gulp*.  Are they back in the bush!?!?  Did they find a crack and go in the house?!?!  Are they laying in wait to ambush me?!?!?  HELLLLLLP!  I threw my shears at the bush (shut up it was the ONLY option).  Nothing came out "f**k".  I went inside to get bug spray.  Speedy attacked my back...all I could picture was...

I practically ripped off my shirt...nothing was there...*whew*  Alright, lets do this!

I walked out the door and heard *flutter, flutter* by my ear..."Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I've never run so fast in my life!  I was in the street before I knew it! I found ONE.  Of the numerous ones that scurried off into the sunset, I located ONE.  I decided it would die.  So I crept up real close (and by close I mean about 5 ft...ya know the distance of the spray) but before I could spray it, it took flight...

So I sprayed blindly into the air...covering myself and my car in RAID! But I managed to get some on the creature which promptly dropped to the ground at my feet.

I sprayed it again for good measure.  *sniff, sniff* Excuse me I need to go hose poison off of myself...and get a glass of wine...and maybe a Xanax...I am soooooooooooo done!

I don't know where the rest went but I killed one so I feel victorious...until another one makes an appearance inside my house...then I will go cry in a corner. 

P.S.  I also doused that bush in RAID! so I mean it may die but its a necessary sacrifice in the name of ridding the world of bugs who shall not be named.

I've heard of The Giving Tree but not The Cursing Tree.....?

Its Spring...Summer...almost summer....feels like f**king Summer, anyways its the time of year where I go outside and play in my yard.  Since I am adult this does not consist of me playing Cops & Robbers or riding my bike to the corner.  It means I do gardening...like everyday. 

Yesterday after the torrential downpour (yay humidity) I went outside to murder the overgrown shrubberies in the garden. 

SIDE NOTE - Y'all don't understand.  These things are out of control.  They started off as these cute little shrubs that I kept small.  Then we flooded and weren't there for 6+ months and they became MONSTERS!!!!  We've tried cutting them back but they just keep getting bigger.  Send Help!!!!

I used my handy dandy step ladder because I am a mini person to hack away as much shrubbery as possible.  There is this one...its a holly tree thing that is supposed to be round but occasionally these giant shoots come out of the top.  One is so tall and thick (that's what she said *hahaha*) that I would need a regular ladder & saw to, uh, nip the tip.  Since I am lazy and didn't want to go get the ladder I decided to relive my childhood. 

I sure did Monkey my way up a crape myrtle with a hand saw and garden shears. Because you know climbing a tree is TOTALLY safe...add sharp objects...what could go wrong?  Well since its Spring/Summer everything is in full bloom and bushy.  Meaning once I was up in the tree I was a f**king ninja.  It also meant that as I not so subtly talked *grumbled* to myself people didn't know where the voice was coming from. 

In all fairness I really did do good.  I was wedged in the tree but safely and had the perfect angle to slice & dice.   What I forgot was I was slicing and dicing a f**king Holly Tree.  Do you know what that is?

It is essentially a prickly...prick that is full of sap.  So as I lopped of large branches they fell every which way...usually MY WAY.  I was being pelted with thorn like leaves and was COVERED in sap *ewwwwwwwwwwww*. 

I was so sticky (and scratched up) that my hands were stuck to the yard tools and I had random pieces of nature stuck all over me.  Which included but is not limited to leaves, dirt, & bugs *wah*.  When I was done I tried to drop the shears but they were practically GLUED to my hands (reason number 3 why I should wear gloves) so I started cursing like a f**king sailor.  They finally fell to the ground and I cheered with success "Whoohoo!" and then I heard the laughing, "WTF?"  So I peeked out of the tree.  My NEW neighbor whom I haven't officially met yet is across the street cracking up.  When I poked my head out he basically fell over laughing.  Me: *confused* "what...?" He said *with mirth* "I couldn't see you up there and all I heard was cursing *raised eyebrow* and the tree was shaking like crazy!  I was like 'why is that tree so angry and should I be concerned?'."  At that point I hadn't realized two things.  One, how high up I was and two, that I was basically incognito. 

Time for a long over due intro (no handshakes, lest I stick to him too) so I walked across the street and realized how funny it really was.  He basically saw this shaking and heard colorful profanity.

You see that little gray/beige thing in the tree?  Here let me "zoom in".

That is me but I blended fairly well into the scene so he couldn't see me.  Apparently he found this very funny.  So funny that when his friend...roommate...husband...person came home he told him the story as they were leaving.  I was still outside murdering other shrubs and I waved a polite hello.  I'm sure I looked a sight!  I was covered in sap and nature.  My hair was frizzy (f**king humidity) and sticking out everywhere.  I was sweaty and I was wearing REALLY old loose fitting capri pants and a bleach stained tank top.  HOT MESS!


So that is how the legend of The Cursing Tree began.  I should write a book *hahaha*.

P.S.  yes I drew that, don't laugh.  MS Paint is limited but its super easy and quick to use. 

**Take 1** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 1:

When trimming the hedges (bushes) always beware of wildlife.  It can come in many forms.  The form I am used to dealing with is a royal @$$hole.  His people are known as wasps and they basically claim all lands.

Ima f**k you up! (Not my pic)

So when I hedge, I keep a can of Wasp Spray near by.  The problem is they don't always reveal themselves right away.  This causes me to look like a ninja while gardening. 

Not my pic

My neighbors can regularly see me "dancing" in the front yard.  *run close to the bush, snip-snip, run away from the bush, rinse, repeat*  This gives me the opportunity to run like my @$$ is on fire if indeed there are wasps hiding out.  My recent hedging did not disappoint.  I was "dancing" when a wasp came at me, "ahhhhhh run away, run away!" But I got him, muhahahaha.  As I was about to do my victory jig something pegged me in the head.  *crouching tiger*  

Not my pic

WTF?!? I looked up and saw nothing.  Hmmmm.  So I continued trimming.  Out of no where this bright @$$ red bird flies at my face *scream* *drop trimmers* *runs away*. 

Caw caw mother f**ker! (not my pic)

I swear I looked like Ace Ventura when he encounters bats! 

Not my gif

 Am I in a Hitchcock film?!?!  I slowly approached the bush and kicked it (smart, I know).  *screeeeeeech* *chirp chirp chirp* *running away* "ahhhhhh its going to peck my eyes out!". 

Who needs wings, when I can just dive bomb your face! (Not my Pic)

I crept back to the bush (seriously, I need to learn when to just give up) and gently parted the branches. 

Not my pic

Only to be almost face to face with a royally PISSED OFF momma bird and 3 lil babies.  "dawwwww" *smiles*.  *screeeeeeech* "$hit!" Here comes daddy *running away* "Okay okay, I'll stop trimming, geesh!".

Mother Nature's Revenge, also known as "Adventures in Gardening"

So either Mommy Dearest is sending evil minions to scare the $hit out of me OR she approves of my effort to try and be "greener" and is sending me "friends".  Either way I've seen creatures I didn't know existed...or didn't want to know existed. 

Let's start with "cute" and go from there...

Awww a pretty little butterfly *le sigh*...until you realize it lays eggs all over your citrus plants which hatch into "bird poop" caterpillars that eat everything in sight...ewwww

Not my pic

Hi! Let me in, please.

I feel like he wants to be my friend.  How can something furry and smiling be evil (hmmm, looks can be deceiving, you stay outside)

More cute and furry!  What kind of beautiful creature will you grow into???

Mothra is that you?!?

OMG what is that?!!?!?

Why are you so big?

What do you want?

Why aren't you yellow 

anymore???

Well, well, well what are you?  Another pollinator?  You look pretty

Not my pic

Not my pic

Hmmm what are these...?

Wait why is my squash dying...? WTF did you put in my SQUASH?!?!

Not my pic

Not my pic (but freaking accurate!)

I should have known! 

Clearly you are evil!

I have a winged Sith living in my yard...

What on Earth are you???  Why are you on my tomato plant, bad caterpillar! And why do you have caterpillar dreads?  *google search* Oh okay, you are a Hornworm (and you will have a new home soon) *keeps reading* "Tiny wasps also help to manage this pest by laying eggs inside the caterpillar's body." Ummmmm. "Next, the wasp larvae chew through the caterpillar's skin to pupate. Each white object you see on the caterpillar's body is the cocoon of one of these wasps."  Holy $hit!  *Source* Nature is RUTHLESS!  *Mental Note* Don't piss off braconid wasps. (No but really, don't kill them, they are good guys! The wasps not the green thing)

What kind of wacked out Arachnid are you?!?!  While I am glad you are on the other side of the glass, I'd rather you not make a home in my yard (unless you kill other things that will kill my plants).  I think it might be some sort of baby Crab Spider (Diaea Dorsata). 

Then there is this EVIL thing.

"Satan's Pet"

Yes it is dead.  No I am not sorry.  It was huge, and territorial and there were 5 of them.  It's some sort of wasp (Cicada Killer) and apparently it thought it could "squat" in my yard.  There was a battle...we won...losses were necessary (on their side). 

Why does it always have to be snakes?!?!

Ha, I was channeling my inner Indiana Jones.  Let me clarify I am not frightened of snakes.  I actually am quite fascinated by them.  I wanted a pet snake soooooo bad when I was a kid but my mom thought I was nuts and said no.  Lately though I am teensy bit paranoid when in my yard.  I mean we had a near death (of an animal) because of a poisonous one that made its way into our yard a few months back. 

*Flash Back*
Dog very lethargic...looked like someone was murdered in my house.  There was watery blood EVERYWHERE! Me thinking dog is dying because he's old...took dog to vet and vet said "Um, I found two puncture wounds".  OMG!!! 
He is fine now.  But we never found a snake. 

Then about a week ago, I heard what sounded like a rattle coming from my psycho neighbors yard.  I freaked and pretty much threw one of my dogs away from the fence!  "Go inside!!!!! Why are you looking at me like that, shoo!" It could have been a bug but I wasn't taking any chances.  It scared me because it was late....and dark....and well you just never know.

*back to present*
Then...then...I found EVIDENCE!  You see I was in my yard picking up knocked over potted plants.  Something I always do after a crazy rainstorm.  As I picked up my poor beat up Gerber Daisy, I saw something stripped move, in the pot.  *scream* I let out a yell and dropped the plant.  "Run awaaaay, run awaaaaay!" Whatever it was SLITHERED under some leaves.  After I did the "what the f**k* was that" dance and dragged my dogs inside, "ahhhhh don't go over there!!!  OMG you dumbo, go inside!", I composed myself.  I was...not scared...more concerned.  So I tried to find it by poking the leaves with a stick.  I mean that's what we humans do, right?  "There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick." Well I couldn't find the damn thing.  So I got my other half and we searched.  Him fussing me for not being more cautious.  Which I mean you never know what this thing is so I guess I should have been more careful.  Anyway, after moving stuff around we found it.  A little less than a foot long, baby snake.  Since we had a problem with something poisonous before it was a "ahhhhhh kill it, KILL IT" reaction instead of our normal, "oooooooo what is it" reaction.  The problem was we couldn't identify it.  I know king snakes and most garter snakes and milk snakes but this one was different so I wasn't sure and neither was he.  Maybe it WAS poisonous! 

So as an after thought I searched and searched online...it wasn't poisonous *oops* it was actually quite harmless.  "doh!" But we were in a we'd rather be safe than sorry mode.  We don't need another snake bite issue.  So I guess we will have to treat the yard again with the snake away stuff...

Pennington® Smart Feed™ Sprayer System

I received the Pennington® Smart Feed™ Sprayer System because I am a BzzAgent and I get to try things out for free as long as I give my honest opinion of how it works.

A few weeks ago after receiving my BzzKit I tried out my cool new sprayer system.  My garden having been through a major flood looks a little rough.  Now that I have time to work on it I weeded it, did some hedging, planted some new plants and wanted to fertilize it properly to give it that extra boost.  My initial experience was not pleasant.  After hooking the sprayer up to my hose I turned the water on and got sprayed with water and possibly fertilizer I'm not sure.  I immediately turned it off thinking I hooked it up wrong but I could see no issues.  I detached it and reattached it hoping that would fix it.  It only made it worse.  When the water got me a second time I screeched because the water was a little chilly.   I decided not to waste the pellets I had in the canister and fertilize the garden anyway.  By the time I was done I looked like I just went swimming and I am not certain how well the fertilizer was dispersed in my garden.

After a few days under direction from BzzAgent I contacted Pennington to tell them about the defective sprayer.   The lady I spoke with was extremely helpful.  She asked numerous questions about what happened.  I relayed my story and she apologized.  I told her I was a BzzAgent and that I was trying to review it but I can't give an accurate review because it didn't work correctly.  She made notes of how the defective one looked and what it did.  She then said she would ship me a new sprayer and more product because it probably didn't disperse correctly.

Flash forward to today.   I was finally able to use my replacement sprayer system.  To my pleasure the new sprayer worked perfectly.  It didn't soak me and it dispersed the product evenly.  I am definitely pleased with the ease of use.  It used minimal water and let me feed my whole front garden in about 10 minutes.  I think now that it was done properly I will see the results I want.