My super power is injuring myself in my sleep

So it's been a couple weeks and still no police report from the wreck.  I don't know why but its freaking me the eff out!!!!  I know holidays, etc but still.  

Work has been A LOT.  Like yes its "slower" since Thanksgiving but so much is going on.  Contracts are changing, job duties are changing, my counterpart got promoted which I am super happy for him but like I am getting a newbie on all my accounts and it terrifies me!!!!  I got lucky with him.  I was super scared when he took over because his predecessor was my friend for a LOOOONG time and knew the accounts backwards and forwards.  

But again he deserves all the things, I'm just in panic mode because things are so weird with a few of the contracts.  Then my other counterpart got promoted which again AWESOME but it's just a lot of change and the peeps I depend on are getting new duties.  Its just so much change....good change but I have too much going on and am just trying to not drown.  

My car is being a B....she is functional at the moment but randomly has a battery drain and I really don't want to deal with this right now!!!!!!!

One of our bathrooms is being a Tw@t and has been since before Thanksgiving, but I don't want to call a plumber because again.... TOO MUCH GOING ON!

On top of all this my mother makes me worry about her well being daily (a story for another day), the cost of everything has gone up exponentially & my paycheck doesn't go as far, and my cat randomly got the $hits & stopped eating (she's fine now). 

So in true me fashion, I shoulder it all and don't complain.  DO NOT DO THIS! I woke up Saturday morning because I was in extraordinary pain. Like I ran a half and and got punched in the face at the end.  I went about my day cleaning and went to a friends for dinner.  As the day progressed my face hurt.  Like the whole right side.  I was convinced I had a toothache in the newly refilled tooth.  I got orajel and got home and did a cold compress.  That's when I realized the pain wasn't my tooth, I could chew just fine...it was my jaw.  Like the most INTENSE ache in the joint and from the back to the front under my teeth.  

I thought my jaw was going to lock up it hurt so bad.  Heat felt better than cold so I did that, I took some Ibuprofen and went to bed.  I wake up whimpering at like 4AM. That's when I realized, I was clenching my teeth together.  That's right...for I don't know how long, I have been clenching/grinding my teeth in my sleep to the point where my new filling is so sensitive it almost hurts and my jaw feels like I was punched.  

So I have effectively given myself TMJ due to pent up stress.  I ordered a f**king bite guard so I don't injure myself further.  My dentist said if it doesn't go away or gets worse to come in but he thinks the guard will help.  Oh and I should try to destress.  Cool cool... I'll get right on that.  

Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

So obvi I love animals.  That much is VERY clear.  But sometimes I still want to punt @$$hole animals into traffic.  I would never do that but geeze do they push my buttons!

So not my cat loves to run off anything alive that tries to invade "her" territory. 

She's always there lurking out of sight and comes running when she thinks she is needed.  The ONE TIME she wasn't lurking nearby....I actually needed her!!!

I was in my front yard...minding my own business when some cat with a $hit attitude decided to pick a fight.  I am not scared of cats so my initial reaction wasn't fear but within a split second I realized "this mother f**ker about to attack me".

He/she hesitated but not enough.  They got near my face but I was already swinging my arm to block so I slapped the $hit out of it and it ran off.  In my shock I wasn't really sure what the f**k happened.  

I felt my nose running so I wiped it and saw blood.  Immediately my brain caught up and the pain shot through my nerves.  I ran inside only to see my face GUSHING blood.  

I tried to rinse it off but the blood kept coming.  I basically tried to drown myself in peroxide because at this point every scenario of stray cat issues was streaming through my mind. 

I called a nurse friend as I tried to staunch the flow.  She gave me some advice...because I live in the US and no matter what your political views are you have to admit our healthcare system is F**CKED UP!  So rather than spend $1,000+ at the ER/Urgent Care, I got basically the same care/advice from her, as long as the bleeding stopped and it didn't swell/get red. 

After scrubbing my wounds, stopping the bleeding, and putting treatment on them I got back to work 

Thankfully with my nurse's advice and constant attention, no infection and minimal scarring.   

I've not seen psycho kitty since but not my cat has been around.  And I tell her everytime I see her, where were you when I needed you!?!?!  I was attacked!!!!  And she purrs and demands scritches.  Dammit cat, if you are going to hang around at least be useful!

You do not live here and no you cannot bring a friend!

It is beyond me why I attract animals but I do.  And all through this pandemic me being home has seemed to attract more...but mainly cats.  AND I DO NOT FEED THEM!

There is a gorgeous kitty I fondly call "not my cat" who seems to think she lives here.  I've had to remove her from my house multiple times.  She greets me outside daily, runs off any other living creature that steps foot on my property, and helps me when I'm in the garden. 

When she is off wandering there are other visitors; one I call Tom (like Tom & Jerry), an orange cat (I know where he lives), and a black & white cat I call Tux. 

Just in the last couple weeks I've had a long haired black & white cat (not Tux) in my backyard who was promptly run off by the orange cat. I had a long haired gray cat who thought he would make friends with my dogs....that did not go over well. Then I heard something crying at the front door at like 10:30 PM.

I went outside to find a tabby cat. He/she ran and hid under my car.  But was still crying.  So they were wanting attention but they were scared.  So what does weirdo me do?  She sits on the front porch in her PJs talking to a cat (my neighbors are going to commit me). 

Another day as I was working I saw a head pop up in my window, orange cat.  Since he was a kitten he looks inside when I have the blinds up.  But this time he was mewing LOUDLY.  WTF Cat, I'm working!  So I go outside and he runs up to me then runs to the side of my house.  

When I followed I saw him by my neighbors van, "hey how'd you get there so fast...?"  Then he ran behind a tire....

I went to the edge of my yard and he walked out from the back of my bushes....hold on...I just saw...what....

I went back inside.  About 20 min later I went get the mail and had TWO orange cats in my garden.  Ummmmmm you multiplied....  One was the one I know but the other had to be female bc he was protecting her.  She was lighter orange and TERRIFIED.  My neighbor's cat brought me his "girlfriend"

No no.  I don't care if you found her, she can't stay here!

Then the other night I got home from my friend's house and 

A cat I've NEVER seen before yelled at me from on top my hubs Truck.  He/she was in shadow but was definitely not one of the "regulars". 

I don't know what is going on but there are suddenly a lot of adult cats.  I haven't seen kittens so I am thinking it's either a catch, fix, and release thing OR some dip$hit is dumping cats in my hood.  

Getting old is a b***h!

 Especially if you are an almost 17 y/o cat!!!!

So as per usual I work at my desk and answer the call of the kitty when she fusses.  She is partially blind and walks a little wonky so she gets lost on occasion.  Then we have a Marco Polo conversation so I can find her or she can find me and re-orient her. 

Well the other day she stood up and started fussing.  She looked confused so I carried her to her litter box where she promptly peed.  Okay good deal! 

Then she started walking around the pee pee pads (there for my sanity) and squated.  I was like are you pooping...? Her little legs were shaking but nothing happened, then she walked off.  Okay....maybe not pooping. 

I went sit back down.  Then I started thinking.  I don't think I've seen poop from her recently (the joys of having a geriatric pet...you know their poops *facepalm*). 

She wandered in my office then immediately started meowing loudly! She squatted and her little legs shook and she farted.  I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE HEARD A CAT FART!

Girl, what is happening.  Thinking she just had some major gas I went back to working.  But you could tell she was uncomfortable and wandering. 

CRAP!  The cat is constipated.  Thankfully I have some handy dandy pumpkin I can give her.  So I sat on the floor with just a teaspoon or so in my hand.  And told her, "okay it takes a little time to work but it will help."  Because you know she totally can understand me. 

Mind you she LOVES pumpkin.  

So she is under my desk just gobbling up the pumpkin when suddenly she tensed up, MEOWED, and shot a turd (3 times the size of her....um butt) out at terminal velocity. 

It smelled AWFUL!  But all I could do was laugh.  She was a happy kitty again and went curl up in her bed leaving me to chase off DISGUSTING dogs and clean up the mess.  

I guess she got excited for the pumpkin and well the rest is history, HA!

Yo, that ain't Mickey

So I went from living in a re-purposed swamp (suburb of a suburb) to a suburb.  Anyways, I've had just as much if not more Wildlife at the new place...WTF?!

Its because I live near a canal...has to be...right?!  We've had all sorts of interesting critters *yay*.  I don't mind really except my dogs try to play with them and then I start yelling like a banshee and its just not good!

So the other night we had a low key BBQ and hung out.  Around midnight I went outside to close the grill and let the pups tee tee before bed.  As I was reaching for the grill handle in my blissfully buzzed state I noticed eyes...

then brown/gray fur...

then a tail...

just below the grate....

my brain put it together very slowly okay (beer is good, yea). 

Not my pic but something like this was in my grill

I didn't freak out, I just said "um, hello there Ratatouille". 

It was frozen staring at me breathing super fast. 

"Sweetie...there seems to be a terrified mouse taking refuge in our grill".  He responded "just close it, he'll go away".  What?!?

I got the pups who didn't seem know where it was and backed up to the door.  I didn't want it to try to run inside.  About 10 min later I am getting ready for bed and hear chaos outside, hmmmm. 

He tried to "kill" it...it went under our slab...GREAT!

The next morning I was greeted by a rather large intact male tom cat.  We do not have a male cat or an outside cat for that matter.  He is gray...with white paws and a white chest.  "Ummmm hello....". 

He jumped up on our bench and demanded scritches.  He looks healthy so I am guessing a neighbors kitty.   He went to the "hole" where the mouse disappeared *hmmm*. 

So yea, its not Ratatouille...I am 99% certain the real life Tom & Jerry have claimed my yard.  Tom tried to come in (not happening).  So we made an arrangement.  He can hang out by my house and I will give him scritches if he catches and kills Jerry.  He said "re-owwwwwww" and nibbled my arm.  I think that means deal.  It might mean "feed me b**ch I'm hungry" but I'm choosing to believe we have an understanding.

Pet Peeve...about Pets...well Pet "Parents"...PEOPLE SUCK!

I hate...hate...F**KING HATE when people get rid of a dog or cat or whatever because "they are too difficult".  No.  NO! 

If you aren't ready for the responsibility of ANOTHER LIFE be it human, canine, feline, avian, or other...then don't get a f**king dog or whatever and for gods sake don't have a kid! 

They need CARE and ATTENTION and usually a vet visit from time to time (not the kid...that one should probably go to a pediatrician)...i.e. $$$$$

Dogs have to be taught.  If you don't have time to TEACH THEM they will just be f**king dogs.  Dogs pee inside...dogs tear $hit up....dogs bite but if you TEACH THEM they stop...usually. 

I just want to throat punch people who give up a pup to the shelter.  1. because the dog is so f**king confused& scared and 2. because they are probably NOT going to get adopted...at least not right away.

But what makes me even MORE ENRAGED is those same mother f**kers get ANOTHER F**KING DOG like a month or 6 later.   Wait wait wait....so you gave up little fido because he was too much but now you have mr poopers.  What happens when he's "too much"?!?!!?

Seriously though...if you have brought more than 1 dog to a shelter because they are "hard" you should be banned from adopting other pets.  I'm talking "Owner Surrender" not I found a dog on the street and can't keep him.  Yes I know not all pets and people match but don't punish a pupper because you are a lazy S.O.B. who doesn't want to take the time to teach a pup.  Do you want to go to prison?  Then don't send Mr. Snickers to one either.  Shelters try to make it a loving place but there is only so much they can do!

This makes me irrationally angry! If you don't have time to teach, get an older dog that's already taught.  Old dogs need love too!  Also, puppies are A LOT of work.  A - F**KING - LOT!  They wake up at all hours, they tee tee every 3 seconds, they chew on everything including you, they are little Tasmanian devils of poop and puppy breath.  But if you take the time, they are the most WONDERFUL companions ever. 

Moral of the story - Adopt don't shop...and for gods sake do your research BEFORE getting any pet.  They aren't just some toy that can be tossed aside because your kids lost interest or because you don't have time.

Rant over - Happy Turkey Week

I shall name it Houdini...then kill it! After screaming like I'm being murdered and having a mini freak out in the back yard....

Sooooooooooooooo I HATE one thing about living in the South.   While I don't like the heat, humidity, hurricanes, etc...those aren't what I am talking about.  I am talking about bugs.  Not all bugs...one in particular!

Right, so we all know which bug I am referring to.  If not see here and here and here. 

Moving on, Saturday night was just like many other Saturday nights.  I was being a bump on a log watching mind numbing TV.  As per my usual routine I let Speedy out to tee tee, hubs was asleep on the couch.  I opened the back door and *BAM* something jumped...ONTO MY FACE.  I squeaked a little but I realized it was frog.  Listen here buckaroo, you don't want to come in my house, you will get eaten.  So I maneuvered him off my face and into on of my potted plants.  Speedy and I were star gazing listening to the fiesta across the street (not super loud but I could hear the music).  After a bit we went back to the door. 

Now mind you I had no outside lights on (I was star gazing) so the only light is from the Moon and the little showing through the closed blinds.  I turned to open the door.

Cool, no frogs or lizards!  I turned back to Speedy with my hand on the knob and pushed.  (this all happened in SECONDS)

What...?

*Jumps back* WHAT?!? while my eyes zero in on NOT A F**KING FROG

Speedy pushes the door the rest of the way open to go in as I yell "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The f**ker is half dead thanks to my fumigation so it kind of just falls off the door...onto the dog.

He jumps
I scream for real
he realizes whatever is on him is not letting go AND mom is freaking out
He runs INSIDE 
F********k  *still freaking out* trying to get the dog out of the doorway
He shakes
It takes flight
I run back outside losing my god dammed mind
I am yelling "its inside, its inside"
Speedy is trying to find and kill whatever is distressing mom
Hubs is trying to figure out why I am losing my mind while still half asleep
Not wanting this thing to disappear IN my home I run in screaming ala William Wallace, shoe raised in hopes of Victory
Its f**king M.I.A.
*$hit $hit $hit*
Then I see old lady stalking my couch
She dives
It comes running out at top speed (well top speed being half dead)
Speedy goes for it
Old Lady goes for it
I go for it
Hubs yells "what the f**k is going on?!?!?!"
I beat the creature into oblivion with my shoe while the animals watch
As the haze clears I hear "I think its dead..."
I smoosh it one more time for good measure
Hubs goes to sweep it up
It flips over and attempts to run on like two legs with its guts hanging out
I start screaming again
Hubs is freaking a bit
The dog is barking
The cats are stalking
Our neighbors have now turned OFF the music and are listening to this fiasco, I assume
I throw my shoe at it and it stops moving
Hubs flings it out the door with the broom and we slam the door and lock it...because, ya know, bugs don't come through locked doors *rolling eyes* 

How the hell am I supposed to go to sleep after that?!?!!?  I couldn't.  Every time I shut my eyes, all I saw were those bugs flying at me.  I am getting chills now just thinking about it *shudder*. 

But seriously, I don't know where the thing came from.  One second it wasn't there and the next it was at eye level twitching its little antennas, taunting me!!!!  I didn't here it flutter past my head so I don't think it flew to the window... I just don't know...

How would you like it if I took your kid, drove him/her 20+ miles away and left them...? Hmmmmmm?!?!?!!?

Do NOT do this!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean obvi don't do this to a child but also DO NOT take it upon yourself to rid the neighborhood of unwanted Cats/Dogs by DUMPING them elsewhere.  What the f**k is wrong with you?!!?!?  If you were able to get close enough to an animal to catch it, chances are it is someone's f**king pet and they are probably looking for it! 

If you have a stray whatever that has babies bring them to a vet or the God Blessed shelter!!!  Do NOT drive them to the woods or another city and leave them.  What kind of MONSTER are you?!!?!?

Look we don't all like the kitty making poopy in our gardens.  And stray puppies/dogs, especially large ones, can be dangerous.  But why on Earth would anyone think, "hey, I don't like this animal around me so I'm going to go dump it in a PARKING LOT off of Airline Hwy"??!?!?  No, no, no, no...just f**king NO!  If its a neighbor's outside cat put deterrents in your yard.  NOTHING HARMFUL.  There are products and plants you can buy that keep animals away but won't hurt them.  Be responsible!

You call your City/Parish Animal Control and report it.  If you do catch them bring them to a vet to see if they are chipped or bring them to the shelter.  If you don't want to deal with it then wait for f**king animal control.  Don't assume because they don't have a collar they are STRAYS!  Animals lose collars.  People are probably looking for their fur babies.  Don't be a dick! 

Also, if you find an animal...make sure its not someone else's pet before deciding to keep it.  How would you like it if you lost your fur baby and someone else was like "oh, its in my yard...its mine now"???  Be responsible!!!  I have animals show up to my house ALL THE TIME.  I bring them to the shelter or the vet.  Or I leave them be...unless they are a danger to MY PETS.  I don't put them in a crate and dump them...or harm them...STAAAAAHP!  As an adult I've had 4 dogs and 3 cats come into my life.  Of those 2 were adopted from a shelter.  The others were stray animals that literally showed up on my doorstep or a family/friend's doorstep and I took them in.  They had no chips.  No collars.  Signs went up and no one claimed them.  They became my babies and the ones that are gone lived VERY long, VERY happy lives. 

In conclusion, DON'T BE A DICK!!!

Well that gives a whole other meaning to "licking p***y"

Why is this a thing?!?! Who wants to for real lick a cat?!?!  Do you want hairballs because that is how you get hairballs!  Yea yea yea this isn't really "licking" it but STILL.

I love my cats but come on!!!  It's hard enough to brush my cats...I can't imagine if I held them like a baby and tried to "lick" them with a GIANT rubber tongue!!!!!! My cats would literally rip my face off.  Not exaggerating...they would both use their back claws until I no longer had features and then they'd try to eat me because that's what @$$hole cats do when they love you. 

Sorry its weird!  If I buy one of these it will be 1000% a joke and it would be so hilarious we would all pittle a bit from laughing so dang much.  JFC just don't do this...please...because I will judge you and I'm not that judgy...for the love of all that is holy do not lick your cat!  Its like the first sign of the End of Days. 

God: Darn, it is actually happening
Angels: What Father?
God: *sigh* Humans have started tongue grooming their pets....time to for another flood...or fire...or plague
Angels: And so it shall be done *turns all felines into super villains*
Humans: Dammit fluffy let me love you!
Fluffy:  F**k you Linda, it's our turn to rule the world
*Human sacrifice*
*dogs and cats living together* 
*mass hysteria*
Fluffy: Where is my catnip, slave!?!! *slashes throat with a single claw*
*fin*

UPDATE - OMG Someone in the comments said "a sign of the Apocalypse", see its not just me!!!!!

I have been claimed!!!

Not like by a fae, although that would be kinda cool I guess.  I was claimed by a CAT...actually more than one.  Not my cats, some strays that decided I seemed nice.  I thought we were past this whole strays in the yard thing.  Crazy neighbor is gone so their "sanctuary" has been sealed off, gutted and remodeled.  Apparently there are a few hold outs and since I am Dr. f**king Dolittle they picked me.

My first clue that they were staking claim to me/my house was a cat fight, on top of my A/C unit at 3AM a couple weeks ago (this is right outside my bedroom window).  Ah, nothing gets the blood pumping like a loud crash followed by an angry cat fight. A few days later Speedy bee lined it to the other side of the shed.  I heard a *reow*, a bird flew away, a black and white streak went running, Speedy followed barking.  He had it cornered by the A/C unit but was just BARKING.  I managed to move him and shoo away Mr. Kitty.  I figured seeing the dogs would keep them out.  Over the next week he came back but would jump the fence as the dogs came a running.  Then I realized it was THREE cats.  One black & white, one white & black, and one beige & white.....hmmmm.  The look I got from them was a "you'll adopt me...right...?"  No!

Unfortunately one night the black and white one decided to fight my dogs for the yard.  It ended badly for him.  They weren't attacking just barking but when he attacked Speedy's face, Convict went into protect the pack mode.  We pried the dogs off this poor cat who was IMMEDIATELY abandoned by his friends.  He looked bad, but was alive...  He wasn't moving much but would try to bite, scratch if we got to close.

I couldn't let the idiot suffer so I called animal control.  45 min later they showed up to get the dying cat who hadn't moved.  The SECOND we got in the yard that Mother F**ker got up, darted to the fence, and got on the roof *WTF*.  He was gone.  It was like a "you'll never take me alive coppers" *muahahaha* kind of thing.  Well okay then.

Waaaaaay later that night we found him...ALIVE and pissed off with his posse just hanging out on my roof again.  He growled and hissed and stared us down...GREAT!  "He's gonna die on the f**king roof...that's just wonderful" stupid cat. The next morning he moved but was still on the roof.  I got home from work...chilling on the roof over the front door.  I said "are you going to let me help you????" *hiiiiissssss* *growl*  Ugh, fine!

You'd think he would steer clear after that, right?!?  Nope.  Two days later, back in the yard behind the A/C unit picking a fight with Speedy.  WTF?!?!?!  He can barely move one leg but he was ready to defend "his territory".  Um sorry buddy this is actually THEIR territory...and they will eat you...apparently.  The dogs didn't hurt him again, just barked...A LOT.  Realizing his mistake, he eventually scurried off. 

Its been 3 days and I haven't seen him.  I hope he lived and will be okay...he was a jerk but I don't want the poor thing to suffer!  But I also don't want him back in the yard.  The poor pups had to go to the vet and be examined because they were all scratched and bit up.  Hopefully animal control came back out and got him.  I told them where he was.

I am also concerned the other two were females since male cats rarely hang around together.  If they leave me more kittens, so help me, I may actually go loony. 

I have so many questions. The first of which being, how exactly does a 2' tall dog $hit 5' up the wall from inside a kennel....?

Soooooo clearly my animals like to test my sanity from time to time.  Its like they have ESP.  "OMG mom totally had a rough day dealing with 5 year olds stuck in adult bodies...lets destroy something!!!"

Yesterday was brutal.  1st day back after the whirlwind Christmas/New Year holidays AND it was a Monday.  That's like the stars anti-aligning or dark zodiac or something.  

After a day of dealing with juvenile BS from a 45 year old, I headed home to relax for a bit before meeting some peeps for dinner.

I was greeted at the door by a dog.  Hmmm that is odd...you are supposed to be kenneled.  As I ventured further into the dark house I could hear the other one whining...well at least one of you is still locked up.  I flicked on the hall light and saw a kennel down the hallway and something on the floor.....

The breakdown:
- *flicked on light* Ummmmm how'd you get the kennel out of the office??? *whine*
- What is that dark....ewwwwwwww...so tummy issues then...? *huff from dog*
- How'd you get out???
- How did you open the back "wall" of the kennel?
- How did you get out AFTER said wall was detached????? 
- It collapses inward...Are you a f**king mouse?!?!
- *whining* *tap dancing* Okay okay, lets go outside
- *to the other one* I STG dog if you so much as look at that nastiness I will hurt you!!!
- I started cleaning.........and gagging.........I don't like being an adult....someone else adult....I don't wanna
- I looked up...how the f**k did you get $hit spray that high up the wall?!!!?? *stands up* that's almost as tall as me!!!!
- Closer examination revealed caked on dried $hit on the bars of the kennel, how in the...???
- Uhhhh so we had the accident while still locked up...I'm so confused!!!
- Then we broke out...? *whine* *sneeze* *huff* Right...okay....WTF dog?!?!

Conclusion: He felt ill and freaked out (he doesn't like to be icky).  He kicked the pan out from under the kennel (how? I have no idea).  He "walked" the kennel into the hallway and couldn't hold it any longer.  He angled his butt-hole between the bars, aimed up (how the actual f**k!?!?), and painted the wall.  That gives a who knew meaning to downward dog!!!! He realized he didn't want to be that close to the wall/door frame splattered with what I imagine would happen as a result of eating late night Taco Bell with Extra Hot Sauce and jalapeños after a night of binge drinking cheap tequila and wallowing in self pity.  So he somehow OPENED the back of the kennel and climbed out without damaging the actual kennel, the walls (aside from the liquid nightmare of poop art), or himself.  And greeted me at the door tail wagging "Hi mom!".

It took me almost an hour to get every remnant of DRIED inky looking goo off the wall, off the floor, out of the crevices of the door frame and floor boards.  Thank god for rubber gloves, disposable sponges, bleach cleaner, and value packs of paper towels!!!!  He went out three times in that hour.  We opted NOT to feed him last night and do the chicken and rice method.  Upon further examination (mainly because the other one kept sniffing his butt) he has irritated (pink) skin around his bunghole.  Secondary Conclusion...he has an actual case of the red@$$ *face palm*. 

He seemed fine this morning...no more flying $hits...YAY!  If he greets me at the door again I may cry...just saying. 

Side Note - After cleaning up the mess, I changed for dinner and sat down to relax for a bit on the couch.  I sat on a freshly coughed up hair ball.  FML!!!!!

My tree tried to be a ballerina & failed OR Cats are @$$holes....take your pick

So the other day before we left Demon Spawn showed a sudden interest in the Tree.  You know how you know a cat is interested in something?  Their eyes dilate so much they are basically black (one reason for the nickname Demon Spawn) and they do this weird crouching tiger wiggle butt thing.

So she was doing that on the back of the couch while looking at my Tree.  "No!!! Bad kitty!!!  Do NOT even think about it! I will hurt you". She said "Meow" and walked away.  I took that as an understood "Don't touch the f**king tree".

Remember how the Tree is anchored to the wall?  Yea well apparently when dealing with @$$hole felines you need TWO anchors.  We got home to a toppled over tree, a handful of broken ornaments and cats no where to be found.  It had done a 45 degree spin (I think that's right), moved about 2 feet (our anchor must not have been taut), and landed against the couch (I think this saved most of my ornaments).

Tree down, tree down!!!

Once we got the tree back upright we noticed something odd.  I mean besides all of the ornaments being off the damn tree....how'd it do that?!??!  When adjusting the tree there was a perfect hole in the side that was facing the couch.  A perfect cat sized hole.  A hole that was just below chest level on me....perfect height for an old cat to jump.  Then we noticed another hole about a foot higher.  This one was smaller but still cat sized, hmmmmm.

Conclusion one of the cats jumped from the couch and landed in the tree.  The other cat saw their sister in there and decided to join her.  The momentum of the 2nd cat hitting the Tree plus the combined weight of two cats on one side of the tree caused it to spin, moving the tree two feet before it went off balance and fell over causing The Great Tree Fall of 2015.  There are now TWO anchors holding the tree up.  If I get home later and it fell again, I'm gonna murder some cats.

How I envision the Cat-astrophe going down (based on the evidence):
Old lady: Hmmm I haven't climbed the Christmas Tree in years...
Demon Spawn: Heeeeeey I wanna play
Old Lady: No...bad idea.  Go away
Demon Spawn: *butt wiggle* I'ma goin'
Old Lady: *hisssss* this will not end well
Demon Spawn: *Leaps off the couch* Ha! 
Old Lady: Hey, I can do that too!!! *leaps into tree* Well that wasn't so bad....
Demon Spawn: See, its fi.....f**k f**k f**k Ahhhhhhh
Tree: *pirouetting* 
Old Lady: Dammit I can't believe I let you talk me into this *jumps gracefully onto the couch*
Demon Spawn: *spazzes out* *tries to climb higher* *fails* *falls chaotically onto the couch*
Tree: I'ma fall now
Both: F**k we are so dead
Dogs: WTF is going on in there?!?!?!?!
Both: Nothing....
Dogs: Can't blame it on us this time

 

10 years ago, still seems like yesterday - PART 1

This is long but interesting...at least I think it is.

So many things have changed in 10 years.  So many things haven't.  But the things that have changed are mostly for the good, I think.  We learned so much that day.  We learned that mother nature is a force to be reckoned with. That she is 100% capable of wiping us out without a second thought.  I am sure there will be a zillion posts about this anniversary and although I hate being a "follower" I will jump on the bandwagon, just this once. I never want to relive that day but I think it is important to remember everything that happened that lead us to this point.  I am not good with exact time frames but I can give you a round about time of the happenings in my world. 

I was 24, living with my long term boyfriend, in a house we bought earlier that year in a suburb of a suburb of a suburb of New Orleans (a bit rural but still a city, we have a Walmart, HELLO!).  I had just been laid off from my job and was in the midst of finding somewhere else to work while finishing my Master's Degree.  To say my life was upside down is a bit of an understatement.  The week of Katrina I had 3 interviews. One was VERY promising, he basically told me I had the job when I was leaving.  The entire week and a bit prior I'd been paying little attention to the news and happenings in the world but I made sure to know about the weather.  When you are from this area, you watch the weather during hurricane season.  I kept hearing about this storm and its potential development, etc etc etc.  The City of New Orleans had cried wolf (evacuate) before (Georges & Ivan come to mind) and the storm went somewhere else, so while I took the caution seriously, I wasn't very concerned.  When they said LEAVE the last two times, we left, but my gut said it was silly to do so and I was more annoyed than anything (especially sitting in traffic for ELEVEN hours just to get to Lafayette).  This storm was different and I told my boyfriend that.  I had a VERY bad feeling...I was actually scared.  I know people say in hindsight you say this but I swear, before anything happened...I just had the worst feeling in my gut.  As the days ticked down, I did what I always do, I prepared for a storm.  I bought water, canned food, batteries, candles, lanterns, dog/cat supplies, money, Rxs, etc.  We took the boards out of storage and put them in the front of the shed in case we needed to board the windows.  We went through the motions as we've all done many, many times before. 

I woke up a couple days before (I think) and thought I was hallucinating.  This had to be a bad dream.  This B**ch was basically a Cat 4, expected to get to a Cat 5 and pointed straight for Louisiana/Mississippi.  It took up almost the entire gulf.  I sat there gaping at the TV.  My boyfriend's work called him in to do emergency prep while I started prepping the house.  Thankfully at that time he mainly worked from home so it wasn't too bad.  I honestly don't remember when it happened exactly (could have been the same day, could have been the next...its all a blur) but I remember every television in my house going off and announcing an Emergency Statement.  Our parish was under a Mandatory Evacuation (1st time in History for this parish).   They were expecting a storm surge taller than my house, winds gusting well over 150 mph and driving rains...she was called a "doomsday storm" more than once.  The weather forecasters were so somber...they KNEW this was going to be extremely bad.   Before long there were police patrols in the streets repeating over and over, "Get out...we will not be able to help you if you stay."  We packed what we could, put the important stuff in the attic and prepared to go...north. 

I called my mom to make sure she was leaving.  She actually fought with me about having no where to go and said my grandparents were staying as well.  To say I lost my $hit is an understatement.  But none of them would budge.  All I kept hearing was "we stayed for Betsy and Camille, this will be fine." Finally my younger cousin called me FREAKING out.  She lived more north where she was in school, granted not REALLY north...not even Central LA but still North of us.  She told us to go to her place.  It was small but we were welcome.  Together we convinced (barely convinced) our family to heed the warning and get the F out!  I am not ashamed to say I used tears to get our Patriarch to listen.  By this point the wind had begun to blow a bit.  She was still well offshore but she was so big...it is the most disturbing feeling...you have the sun blazing and a nice breeze on a seemingly BEAUTIFUL summer day but there is nothing but the sound of people packing up their lives.  No birds, no animals, no bugs really...nature had left.  My two dogs were pacing paths in the grass and my cat was no where to be found, they were clearly nervous.  After boarding up the windows on our new home (can I tell you how creepy it is to be inside a boarded house!), we packed up what we could in our cars (including our pets) and headed to our state capitol. 

Dammit Timehop...

...you broke the space-time continuum!  The Doctor would be so mad....

So apparently I tried to Time Travel this morning and failed (typical me), dang it!  Now I am curious where I would have gone.   I want to travel to the past...I think.  I mean a year ago I could have been having a wonderful time instead of attempting to be productive (and failing at it). 

In other news, I really feel like Agent Coulson created this for BBW...to deal with his "issues"

"Tahiti. It's a magical place."

But I am a bit scared to try it...what if it's a ploy...can you say Hydra (or S.H.I.E.L.D.) mind control...maybe...

Also,  my cat made a salt ring in my kitchen and sat in it.  I don't have a picture because it was 3AM and I didn't have my phone with me.  But when I got up to let Speedy out, I flicked the light on to the kitchen.  There sat Demon Spawn in the middle of the floor.  She looked at me and "meowed".   It took a minute to figure out what was all over the floor.  She apparently knocked the salt container off the counter and "played" with what came out.  It wasn't a perfect ring BUT she was in the middle of a ton of salt. 

My reaction: 
"WTF?!?"
"Is that salt?"
"What did you do?"
*meow*
*Waking up enough to process what I am seeing* 
"OMG, seriously!??!  Do we have a f**king ghost"or something!?!"
*meow*
"I'm going back to bed"

I didn't fall asleep very fast after that!  When I got up for work, the salt was still on the floor but no longer in a discernible ring and the stupid cat was MIA.  So now I am wondering if I imagined the whole thing but there was CLEARLY salt on the floor...maybe I need to stop watching Supernatural...it's giving my cat ideas.