That was a tail right?

I love where I live... I love where I live...I love where I live. 

It was really late and I let the pups out one last time.  I was standing by the door (inside) waiting for them to come back.  I saw something out the corner of my eye.  It was about hip level, brownish, and "bouncing" along down the patio. Speedy must be by the gate.  

Mind you it was SUPER dark even with the lights on so lots of shadows.  Then I spotted lil bit below me so I let her in. As I closed the door to wait for speedy I realized he was out in the yard.  If...if he was out in the yard what did I see to my left....?!?!?!

I screamed so f**king loud!

There was a bug who shall not be named the SIZE OF MY PALM plastered at eye level on the other side of the door....it's a glass door....it started crawling.

Hubs was sleeping on out couch... didn't f**king move... WTH?!?!?

Speedy was looking at me like let me in... OH HELL NO!  

I am pushing the door shut just in case it tries to squeeze in.  It's now up above, it's on the bathroom window, it flew away and came back slamming into the door again. 

It's clearly struggle bussing, so I know it's dying but it's still too alive for me to deal with. 

Speedy sees the night terror...

It finally flew away towards the porch light, I chanced it and opened the door to rush speedy in.  "Get in, get in...OMG FASTER GET IN!". As I slammed the door that f**ker came flying back at me AGAIN! 

More Screaming!

Hubs:

RUDE!  It took me forever to fall asleep... too much adrenaline!

I wasn't aware I could levitate

It's been a rough couple of weeks personally and professionally.  So I really have begun to cherish my rest.  I started taking these all natural sleep gummies (not those kinds of gummies) on nights when I am particularly stressed. 

Last week was exceptionally harrowing.  So come Wednesday I was pretty done and had some gummies. I was all snuggled up on my side and PASSED THE EFF OUT.  

Now I sleep in short sleeves or tank tops usually so lots of exposed skin.  I also sleep on my side with my bottom arm under the pillow and my top arm wedged under my neck and the blankets over my head. This is important...

I was frolicking my way through dreamland when my sleeping body had an itch.  As per normal human behavior I scratched it.  

This is where my soul left my body!!!!

The itch was in my armpit....when I unconsciously itched something moved.

This is when my brain woke up enough to be like

I instinctively grabbed whatever was crawling in my armpit and it squished.

I LEVITATED out of the bed and somehow floated into the bathroom without touching the floor (that's my story and I am sticking to it).

I turned on the light in a panic and there was a small dead...something between my fingers.  The ONLY thing my brain could think was "OMG OMG OMG its a tiny bug who shall not be named!!!!!!!"

Internal Screaming...that quickly became external whimpering.  Lights were turned on, hubs was confused, bed was torn apart looking for anything else hiding in my safe space!

I saw nothing else. 

I tried to go back to sleep....I really did but it just wasn't happening.  All night I kept thinking something was crawling on me.  

For hours the next day I was like "WHY WAS THAT IN MY BED".  Then around noon I saw a FB post about how bad the stupid swarming termites were the night before.

"Oh my God it was a f**king termite!"  It was small, brownish red and squishy!  It didn't register as a termite because it had already shed its wings.

"OH MY GOD I HAD A TERMITE IN MY ARMPIT!"  Wtf wtf wtf!

General consensus is it came in with the pups and then tried to snuggle me.

Stop, Alto, Halt, Yo bro slow your roll!

I don't know why some older people feel like they are exempt from rules. 

I ride my bike, alot.  I run/walk alot.  I am stupidly cautious because I don't trust peeps. 

While I am riding/running in my neighborhood, I don't always stop at signs but I slow, I make sure no cars are coming.  But there are areas where I do not have a stop sign.  Now I still slow down at cross streets because again...I trust no one.  

I had an older woman blow through a stop sign going about 35 in a 20.  She didn't even try to stop.  I did NOT have a stop sign. I was paying attention and slammed on my bike brakes.  I popped off my seat and clanked my teeth together.  This b**ch had the nerve to roll down her window and yell at me.  

I'm sorry, you ran a stop sign and almost hit me.  She said "I'm a car and always have the right of way"

DA FUQ?!?!?!

Then like a day or two later I was LITERALLY run off the road.  An older woman in an oversized SUV wasn't paying attention (on her phone). As I turned right, she blew through a stop sign on the street I was turning onto.  I saw her at the last second and jerked my wheel to the right.  I hit the curb and fell off my bike.  SHE DIDN'T F**KING NOTICE!  She was so distracted she also jumped the curb about a foot in front of me, barely missing me and my bike.  

She never stopped.  Honestly if she would have hit me she wouldn't have noticed.  A man walking his dogs saw me and was like "OMG are you ok?!"  Thankfully I was since I fell in the grass but HOLY $HIT!

And this was in broad daylight!  You couldn't miss me or my hot pink tank!

I know drivers have always sucked but I swear more and more recently people are so incredibly reckless and are quick to blame anyone but their careless selves!!!!!!

That almost seems like a line in the sand

That’s it…I am so over people!  I don’t get it…. But I will respect it because I am not a complete psycho. 

So I think it happened.  I think I have officially “lost” another friend.  There were a few acting a fool a while back….I thought all was good but I guess I should know by now some persons of the opposite gender are incapable or unable to be friends.  

Again, I have a BUNCH of guy friends.  Completely platonic, male friends.  We are all friends with each other and in many cases each other’s spouses. 

Everything has been okie dokie artichokie so I thought we were past the weirdness but alas I was incorrect. 

I try very very hard not to read into things.  Mainly because it’s exhausting and generally I’d prefer people be DIRECT.  But sometimes you get a vibe and just KNOW something is up. 

So I got a message the other day.  Not a mean message but a message none the less and it was odd.  It was ridiculously “formal” and unlike our normal bantering messages.  At first I was like all good we all have stuff going on during the day.  So I said cool, thanks, and whatnot and went on with my day.  

But later I saw it again and was like WTF.  It’s no longer “hey friend or hey bestie” its just hello or Hi. Or the weirdest is my actual full name, not like my nickname.  Again tried not to read into it.  

But then I made a comment about Not sure if you saw my pic or not and I got the “I don’t think I should like or comment on your pictures.”  Ummmm I’m sorry what?  

1. That’s fine I was just asking did you see it

2. Why did you tell me that?

3. WTF happened now!?!?

Also, I don’t think we can “hang out” or meet up  Which again we live fairly far apart sooooo it’s unlikely but what on earth happened.  Like please please please don’t tell me you think I was like hitting on you because I am friendly and like pack bond with everyone (not in an oogy way, I am stupidly loyal to peeps I click with).   You know (and can see) I have it pretty dang good and actually love my hubs and would NEVER. 

AND I have way too much respect for you and your spouse.  Like do you even know me?!?!?!  I mean I guess it could be a jealously thing.  but like 1. Not a cheater 2. Not my type 3. Did I mention, Not into the whole cheating thing?!?!?

Or maybe we got too close?  But like how….we don’t even live in the same f**king state. Like they thought we crossed a line of closeness…?  But again,…JUST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!  And our messages weren’t scandalous…they were generally non-sense and gifs!

So anyways, I doubt we’ll be bantering and hanging out ever again so that blows because we were actually kinda close but hopefully some semblance of our friendship is salvaged. 

Friendship is a gift…I really wish people would cherish and have more respect for it!!!

I answer to no one!

I am nice.  The nice one.  Non confrontational. Generally level headed.  While I will not be a doormat, I pick my battles so to say. 

With that said most of the time I choose not to respond to dickheadery.  Most of the time I will just roll my eyes and ignore when people are clearly trying to pick a fight or being pig headed. 

The problem occurs when you push me too f**king far or catch me at a bad time.  The problem is I don't have to explain myself to ANYONE.  The problem is if you come at me aggressively because you think you are entitled to know where I am and who I am with. 

My husband is literally the only person who is entitled to that information and he NEVER pulls any cards on me.  Plus we tell each other our plans if we aren't going to be together.  Its a non-issue. 

A week or so ago I had a person we'll just say is close to me send me a very aggressive text.  It was after midnight, after an evening of fun.  When I say aggressive, I mean it was all CAPS, a paragraph of anger accusing me of basically being a hypocrite because I went out after not going out earlier in the week.  

I responded calmly at first. Then they doubled down and I kinda snapped.  I am sorry but you do not get to monopolize what I do and who I am with.  So I said so much as kindly as I could but it wasn't my normal niceness or my normal laissez faire attitude.  

Now I am the bad guy.  How does that make sense?!?!?  I am getting the silent treatment.  They are telling everyone they can how I am being a b**ch.  How I attacked them.  I am the bad guy because I finally had enough of the badgering because I dared to do something without their knowledge.   So I am trying to pretend I am oblivious to this because I don't want to give it legs to run on.  But its hella hard because I really want to call them out but I wont.  I wont because that is what they want.  So instead I will kill them with kindness and move on.  

I HATE DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo f**k that Guy....girl...@$$hole

 I am so over everything.  I went to a party (yay).  It was an early party and we had plans for after.  

On our way out... we get to our car...and someone had hit it. 

Not just a ding or scratch....like RIPPED THE FRONT BUMPER OFF and messed up the wheel.  

OF COURSE they didn't leave a note... that would be too kind.  

So now we are down a car, because while drivable its pulling hard to the right AND the bumper is dragging. 

Does this start over the 3 or is this one included with the other accident?!!?!?

I can't take anything else.  

That was not Gus Gus!

It's getting "cooler" finally but we live in the south so its 52 in the AM and 80 by midday. 

But with it getting cooler.....something has found its way into our attic and it made me realized I didn't share my horror story from LAST Winter.  

... kidding.  But it was early 2024 and it was TRAUMATIZING!

I was sitting at my desk and I heard a scratching noise.  A few days later it sounded like MULTIPLE creatures were playing WWE in the attic.  WTAF Bruh!

Now a few years ago we had a critter problem and used poison in the attic... NEVER AGAIN!  Those f**kers would fall down the damn wall and we'd have f**king fly-mageddon in the house which was traumatizing!

Anyways we got the snap traps.  Look I know its not great but I refuse to use glue traps...these are basically instant death and its easier to dispose of them..in theory. 

I'm at our little bar pouring some wine and I hear a loud **SNAP**.  Followed by the most horrific screeching and then **thump thump thump thump** above me.  

WTAF?!?!?!  It's supposed to be instant death...AHHHH!

So we venture into the attic and the trap is GONE!  This Mother F**ker must have only got a leg stuck and ran and jumped OVER the edge of the ceiling and got stuck in the flashing outside.  We can't get to it but can hear it outside flip flopping around. 

Well f**k me!  For two f**king days I can hear it just outside of my office slowly dying and I feel awful because I can't give it a swift end.  

I am in the DEEPEST sleep when lil bit and speedy lose their f**king cheerios! It was 2AM and they were going nuts.  I let them out of the bedroom and they ran into the living room and stared at the ceiling.  Ah beans... did we catch something?!?!?!

The next day hubs went into the attic and it did not suffer **whew**.

I am cooking dinner and hear a **SNAP**.  Hubs goes to investigate and I hear laughing through the ceiling.  He calls my name to come see.  Trap is triggered and there is blood but no critter... f*********ck!  Its gonna die in the GD wall!

I get home from an outing and hear something in the attic.  I tell hubs to go check.  He does and is like UMMMMMM.  I go up there and there is another one caught but its VERY alive and flip flopping all over the place.  We managed to grab the trap with a grabber and bring it out front.  I didn't ask what he did but we counted the trap as a "loss".  Lovely.  

About this time I start to smell something funky in the guest bath.  Like not awful but not great.  Over the next two days its definitely dead body smell. We look in the attic but its not up there....its in a wall or under the tub... F********CK!  I have to block off the bathroom and back bedroom because we have fly-mageddon.  

I put up fly traps and sprayed daily.  I stopped counting when I swept up 150 flies.   

All in all we caught/killed 5 RATS.  These weren't little mice...these were RATS and we couldn't figure out how they were getting in.  

So hopefully whatever I heard the other day doesn't lead to this again because it was Traumatizing AF!

I can't believe...What year is it?!

So way back in the recesses of 2014, I posted about makeup BS at work.  I work for a new company now...I work FROM HOME...not to mention its 2022 and this came up...AGAIN!

On a "zoom" call TWO YEARS post global pandemic...where people have been working from home and zooming has become more normalized.  I had someone make a comment on my "makeupless" face.  

It was a 7AM call that I wasn't even supposed to be on.  I don't generally log in until 8AM so there was no reason for me to be "made up" at that time.  But since I was "summoned" I logged in to do whatever.  About 10 people didn't have cameras on so I didn't feel bad.  

Well because some 60 year old (not being an @$$hole, they really are 60) decided we all had to have cameras on, so I did.  Then he...YES HE...proceeded to call me out on a call with 25+ people about having no makeup on.  

I was so flabbergasted I didn't even know what to say at first.  One, I wasn't even supposed to be logged on! Two, Rude! Three, 100% something I do not need to wear.  So I said as professionally as possible, f**k off, and the meeting continued.  Then, he proceeds to make $hit comments the rest of the meeting.  

Rather than publically be a jerk, because I know that's what he wanted, I just ignored him and rolled my eyes.  Mind you it wasn't all on me.  He was making comments about others.  Look we weren't frumpy or homeless looking.  I had on a nice shirt, hair fixed, and lipgloss.  Just not a full face of makeup. 

So after some consideration, it was decided to make a formal complaint to HR. Basically stating when he has to wear makeup everyday, I'll consider it.  He was removed from the meetings I was on and no one told me I have to wear makeup.  I still think more should have happened but whatever. 

Rant over. But seriously mind your own business.  I have sensitive skin and I don't like makeup everyday.  Also, NOT IN THE HANDBOOK and NOT REQUIRED you sexist @$$hat. 

Is the plague over yet?

No, no it isn't!  You know how I know?!!?!  Because as careful as I have been, masks, vaccine, no big crowds.... I got it!!!!!!  And it wasn't because of my carelessness.  Nooooooo.

I, being responsible, got tested before Christmas because I had been exposed at work the week before.  I was negative.  But one of my lovely anti-pandemic (as in it is a scare tactic created by the Government and isn't real) family members came to a gathering KNOWING they had been exposed.  They tested +.  

Hubs started feeling bad first, then two days later me.  I was just going to quarantine and take it easy.  But my experience involved a STABBING headache.  Not just sinus pressure, a literal sporadic Ice Pick stabbing feeling behind my ear.  It got so bad I did a tele-doc appointment.  She wouldn't give me any Rxs without getting tested so I did and SHOCKING, it was +.  I ended up with multiple Rxs because well I was pretty sick at this point.  

Honestly the worst part for me was the Sinus Pressure.  It was SOOOOOO bad, I couldn't sleep.  Plus I had fever for 3 days.  I was fried!  Turns out the stabbing pain was probably something called Occipital Neuralgia.   And I can tell you with 100% certainty I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  I thought my brain was coming out of my ear. 

Thankfully the worst of it only lasted 5 days.  I'm still wonky, tired, and not 100% but it could have been 1000 times worse.  People who keep saying "Covid is just like a bad cold" as an excuse to be careless are PISSING ME OFF.  Because yes, that is a decent description but why the f**k would you want to get a really bad cold...KNOWINGLY?!!?!  

And honestly while I've had bad colds/Flus/sinus infections, this was different.  I am mostly recovered but I am still exhausted.  And I don't regret getting vaccinated.  Because I can't imagine how AWFUL it would have been had I not been vaccinated.  I know people not vaccinated and they got it way worse than me, like long lingering symptoms.  I'm not here to judge you if you don't want the vaccine I am just saying my experience.  I just really want to NEVER experience that again.  

Each day is better so hopefully that continues!

So like do I need to do a blood sacrifice or can I just light a candle?

I don't drive as much as I used to but holy crap other drivers are just as bad or possibly even worse!

The other night I was driving back to my temporary home very late.  It was dark and a little misty/humid but mostly a clear night. As I was approaching my exit I noticed a car weaving in and out of lanes a decent ways behind me.  I remember thinking, "what a moron!" as I pulled over into the exit lane.  The exit was backed up a bit so I was completely stopped.  I heard squealing tires and glanced up just in time to see a dark mass flying towards me.  It took a split second for my brain to process that the dark mass was in fact a car skidding sideways down the interstate and it was going to hit me.  All I could think was "oh $hit, this is gonna hurt".  I managed to kickstart my brain enough to cut the wheel towards the shoulder and gun it.  It all happened so quick but somehow the skidding car managed to regain control and missed me by mear millimeters.  She slowly went past me at about 5 mph and looked terrified.  I on the other had was wondering where the screaming was coming from and who $hit my pants. 

After I had a few sips of Whiskey and managed to finally get my heart rate below 150 bpm I began thinking.  She missed me by a HAIR!  Had I not managed to move the car ever so slightly to the shoulder I would have been CREAMED by a car flying sideways at about 70 MPH and I was at a complete stop.   

Exactly three days later in a steady rain I went to buy a last minute gift at lunch.  We are having our normal southern winter where it's either humid and 90 degrees or raining and 40 degrees.  It's super fun.  At least it's not snow/ice!  As I was driving in the RAIN, going the speed limit, I noticed some @$$hole tailing me.  I couldn't go anywhere but they insisted on just riding my @$$.  I couldn't see their headlights but could plainly see a giant Trump Flag & American flag flying above the roof.  Unfortunately they were also turning so they were tailing me into the shopping center.  When it opened to two lanes they gunned it passed me.  

They immediately lost control of their jeep, swerving into my lane. We were going maybe 30mph....I managed to slow down as I watched this jeep barely miss my front bumper, over-correct, and completely spin out.  

They ended up doing multiple doughnuts in the road and flying off into the grass.  Mind you there were other cars, signs, & posts everywhere, yet somehow this @$$hat managed to not hit anything.  The wheels rutted into the grass, yet again the lucky bastard didn't flip.  They were stuck but thankfully didn't hurt themselves or anyone else.  

In a few days I was almost clobbered twice by a reckless driver.  I feel like I should just stay home.  

What year is it?!?

 

I don't know what is in the water but holy crap I have never experienced so much chauvinism in ONE week. 

I am a professional.  I have been in various business roles for many many years.  I am intelligent.  I....am a threat...what?!?  Why is it.  WHY IS IT that if me, a female, shares an idea its $hit on but when a male shares the same or similar, its praised?!?!?  I literally said the same thing.  

Also, the fragility of these older men I work with is eye opening.  I am not being critical just trying to express my ideas.  Why can't I express my ideas without being put down?  Why do older men think they can just talk over me when they don't like what I have to say!?!?  To the point where I was like "can I finish answering your question before you start speaking again...please?"  It was so bad I had people messaging me after the call about how bad it was.  Its great and all that they noticed but why was everyone quiet?!?!  Almost no one came to my defense.  You know why?  Because half of them were also female and they are scared to LOSE THEIR JOB for speaking up.  Do you know how f**ked up that is?!?!  The other men on the call...I will give it to a couple.  They did try to back me up a little but when he went after them they shut up quick.  What sucks is my idea isn't bad.  It would be a win win for everyone if we can get it implemented.  The problem is it gets rid of a bunch of manual processes HE created.  Instead of being open minded he pitched a fit to make sure HIS WAY stayed in place, even if its antiquated.  

Also, come to find out a woman who quit two weeks ago found out she was paid $20,000 LESS than her male counterpart.  Same years of experience, same education, same track record for the most part.  But he was paid more and treated her like his own personal secretary even though they had the same job.  Then he had the nerve...THE NERVE to ask her for a reference because he thinks his time is limited.  Why you ask...well because after she left they realized she was doing everything and he is basically a sentient paperweight.  

Again,....

Then I was at an event with some friends and acquaintances.  Not too many people and not inside (COVID!!!).  Anyways, one of the ladies I don't know as well was leaving, kinda early.  When someone asked her why she was bugging out so soon she said she had to get home.  Okay I know for a fact all of her kids have already left for college so no kiddies but okay.  She said she needed to get home to cook dinner.  Okay......  I mean whatever we all have stuff we do but you never go out with everyone....

She reluctantly said well, her husband requires her to be home every night no later than 6:30 so she can cook him dinner.  If she goes out or works later, she still needs to be home to cook because "he gives her off on the weekends".  WHAT!!??!!?  She is a working woman.  Why does she have to leave an event to cook him dinner?!?!  He works from home.  I...WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!?  One of the guys jokingly said what happens if you don't cook M-F?  She said, it's not worth the fight, plus she does have off those two days.  

He is a grown @$$ man.  He can't cook dinner ONE week night so his wife can have a night out....?

I do not miss people

I know this pandemic has been difficult.  Kids were ripped away from their friends and some people left their offices one day not realizing they wouldn't return for months. And obviously the worst...people died or have debilitating issues because of COVID. 

It's been...weird for us all.  People talk about missing that human contact.  Now I am not anti social.  Actually I am very social so not being out and about to me has been downright awful but I can say with 100% certainty I am fine with not being in an office environment. 

I had to venture in the other day for reasons and it made me realize I DO NOT MISS IT! 

You know why?  Because people are f**king gross! 

First of all I was hoping to be the only one there but I had company.  This person is someone I consider a friend and care about immensely. 

This particular day they made coffee for both of us (I brought my own but felt obligated to have 1 cup since they made it). 

This was by far the WORST cup of coffee I have had in quite some time.  I attributed it to it being a different brand...the water...it being weak...I dunno  But something didn't sit right.  It was REALLY bad and I ended up dumping it.  

I left for a meeting but ended up coming back before heading home.  I was the only one there ...hmmmm......so I went about closing up shop, so to say.  That's when I realized the kitchen hadn't been cleaned.  Coffee was still in the pot, grinds were in the basket and sugar spilled on the counter.  

I wasn't planning on coming back and my coworker doesn't come in everyday....soooooo that would have sat there for days....DaYs!!!!

Then it hit me.  Like a f**king freight train hit me.  

That's why the coffee tasted so bad!!!! Because the pot is never cleaned.  It sits there with cold stale coffee that probably molds. And the grinds sit & ferment...and probably mold in the basket for DAYS!!!  Lord knows the last time the water was purged from the tank.  

I am pretty sure I drank mold brewed coffee with a hit of sugar. 

I needed to cleanse my palette when I got home.  

I'm still here...I think

So wow been MIA a bit.  Well work sucks...I have inherited a WHOLE NEW job...on top of my current job....with no extra pay...which is hard anyway because pandemic.  If any of you can figure out how to get extra hours in the day...I'm all ears.  

Oh and 2020 just keeps bringing the weird...f**ked up...insanity.  I don't even know what I missed.  But I live in hurricane central so that's been fun.  

Laura just steam rolled the Western side of LA.  I mean Katrina was bad.  Gustav was bad.  Isaac was bad.  This B**CH said hold my beer and just ...*GAH*.  

If I remember correctly she is the 1st storm to make landfall AS A STRONG CAT 4 in western LA.  A meteorologist was asked how you prepare for a cat 4 or cat 5...?  His response, "honestly after you get to a Cat 3 it doesn't matter.  It's going to be catastrophic.  There is going to be significant damage and loss of life.  Just...just get out."  And this B...it was so bad.  The level of destruction....I saw it first hand...about a week after landfall.  My heart just broke for everyone.  I was having some serious PTSD.  You would think after being through so many storms you get numb to the destruction...but you don't.  

I walked into a house and the smell of wet insulation/sheetrock/carpet slapped me in the face.  I was immediately thrown back 8 years...11 years....15 years....I was there again.  I was picking through a flooded house...I was helping move a tree off a house...I was watching my people sob because it was all gone.  Then I was back to myself...in the present seeing more of my people trying to cope with losing everything.  

So we did what we always do.  We banded together and we cpicked up the pieces.  Because while it sucks...ALOT.  What matters is they are alive and well.  The house(es) can be fixed.  

Now...where I am in East LA is maybe going to get...A TON OF F**KING rain from another biotch.  Sally seems to have a target on us.  She isn't strong (and hopefully it stays that way) but she's moving slow and has the potential to push alot of water inland, along with a possible 10-20 inches of rain.  

At the 10PM update, she shifted more east.  And honestly...I hope she keeps doing that (sorry MS/AL).

I don't wish this crap on anyone.  

And before you say "well if you know a hurricane is going to destroy your area...MOVE!"  That's stupid.  There are natural disaters...EVERYWHERE.  There are earthquakes in the West, tornado alley in the Mid West, Blizzards in the North..hurricanes and flooding in the south...and currently freaking WILD FIRES in the west.  

You can't escape mother nature...just make sure you can handle whatever one is where you live.  Hurricanes are predictable (mostly)....they suck but we can prepare for them.  But I will continue to b**tch because...well its 2020....can we get a break please!!?!!??

That is why I have so many shoes!

So there I was watching "The Greatest Showman" for the 1st time (I know I know WAAAAY behind, but I know all the music so *plfeet*). 

Anyways, we were just a chillin' when something caught my eye.  Now mind you, I'd had a glass...or a few of wine but I felt....like I was being watched.  When I glanced up at the ceiling and saw the freaking MOTHER of all bugs who shall not be named. 

Rendered speechless, all I could squeaked out was a "no no no no no no".  Thankfully the sig other knows me well enough.  We both jumped up and scurried away as it hobbled towards us.  Clearly it was dying from our pest control BUT it was huge and still alive. 

I promptly hid in the kitchen and was basically rocking in a corner.  The hubs began throwing shoes.  It ran faster *$hit $hit $hit $hit*. 

It made it to our laundry room door.  He threw another shoe and that F**ker started flying. 

There was a loud scream...it wasn't me....or not just me

We were running out of options...it was blocking the door...and the RAID was in the laundry room.

Two shoes left.  1st one spooks it and it starts flying again. 

I am basically crying on the floor now.  Immediately he hums another shoe...DIRECT HIT!

It's still moving, though. 

Gloves, a dust pan, and a broom later...and its flushed down the toilet...like 15 times over. 

Once I emerged from my hiding spot, I found 6 pairs of shoes...and some legs

Have I mentioned, I hate those things!!!!!!!!