I wasn't aware I could levitate

It's been a rough couple of weeks personally and professionally.  So I really have begun to cherish my rest.  I started taking these all natural sleep gummies (not those kinds of gummies) on nights when I am particularly stressed. 

Last week was exceptionally harrowing.  So come Wednesday I was pretty done and had some gummies. I was all snuggled up on my side and PASSED THE EFF OUT.  

Now I sleep in short sleeves or tank tops usually so lots of exposed skin.  I also sleep on my side with my bottom arm under the pillow and my top arm wedged under my neck and the blankets over my head. This is important...

I was frolicking my way through dreamland when my sleeping body had an itch.  As per normal human behavior I scratched it.  

This is where my soul left my body!!!!

The itch was in my armpit....when I unconsciously itched something moved.

This is when my brain woke up enough to be like

I instinctively grabbed whatever was crawling in my armpit and it squished.

I LEVITATED out of the bed and somehow floated into the bathroom without touching the floor (that's my story and I am sticking to it).

I turned on the light in a panic and there was a small dead...something between my fingers.  The ONLY thing my brain could think was "OMG OMG OMG its a tiny bug who shall not be named!!!!!!!"

Internal Screaming...that quickly became external whimpering.  Lights were turned on, hubs was confused, bed was torn apart looking for anything else hiding in my safe space!

I saw nothing else. 

I tried to go back to sleep....I really did but it just wasn't happening.  All night I kept thinking something was crawling on me.  

For hours the next day I was like "WHY WAS THAT IN MY BED".  Then around noon I saw a FB post about how bad the stupid swarming termites were the night before.

"Oh my God it was a f**king termite!"  It was small, brownish red and squishy!  It didn't register as a termite because it had already shed its wings.

"OH MY GOD I HAD A TERMITE IN MY ARMPIT!"  Wtf wtf wtf!

General consensus is it came in with the pups and then tried to snuggle me.

Tell your sleep paralysis demon he needs to pay rent....and my therapist bill!

Get married they said.  It will be fun they said. They forgot to mention the potential existential terror sleeping next to another person might cause. 

I can't always fall asleep right away when I go to bed so I'll read or play on Imgur or something.  The other night I was doing that next to my sleeping husband (mind you lights are out) when all hell broke loose. 

Hubs: *out of a dead sleep whisper yelling* NOLA GURL!!!! *hitting my thigh*

Me: What?!?!?!!  What's wrong?!!?

Hubs: Something is above your iPad.....

Me: I beg your finest pardon?!?!?!!?

Hubs: It's....on the ceiling

Me: *panicking but thinking ok he's asleep* I don't see anything

Hubs: *grabs my hand in an almost painful grip* *eyes WIDE open*

Me: *about to stroke out*

Hubs: I think it's growling at me

Me: I'm sorry its what.....????????????????

Hubs: Its like growling talking

Me: WHAT?!?!?! *about to $hit the bed*

Hubs: *in a tiny voice* It says its gonna grab me and throw me over there! *points to closet*

Me: Alexa LUMOS!!!!!

Blinding lights come on.  I am sitting up. The dogs are looking at me like I've LOST MY MIND.  Nothing is on the ceiling.  Hubs goes "Oh well it's gone".  Rolls over...AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP!!!!!!!

Cool cool cool you get some rest while I stare into the dark and hope the dark isn't staring back......

Note - He had not been drinking and doesn't take drugs...nor was he on anything like Ambien....

How early, is too early?!?

There is nothing worse than being awoken by your dogs growling and aggressively barking at 4AM.  I jumped up out of a dead sleep.  They were losing it at the door to our room.  The hubs had worked late so I decided to get up to investigate. 

I let them out to attack whatever they thought was in the house.  I assumed they were barking at the cats.  Except they didn't go past my living room.  Normally they do a lap around the house....

So I walked out further.  I had a HORRIBLE buzzing in my ears and they were still going ape$hit.  Not just barking...it was really a protective thing happening.  I realized I still had my ear plugs in so I took them out but the noise didn't change.  I was still half asleep and thought the weird noise was coming from the nightlight in our kitchen. Mainly because the dogs were barking in that direction and that made sense to my sleep addled brain.

As I started to walk towards it Speedy grabbed and pulled my hand. WTF Dog?!?!?  They were still barking like crazy.  But I kept walking, Lil bit was biting at my ankles.  Speedy kept grabbing my hand and getting in front of me. 

A fully awake person would have realized they were trying to stop me from walking into the kitchen.  But I was still half asleep and getting annoyed.  I got to the night light and unplugged it. haha, success!!!

The noise didn't stop and the dogs were still barking.  I was staring blankly at the light like, why are you still buzzing, I UNPLUGGED YOU!

Finally my irritation bubbled over and I yelled "Can everyone please shut up!!!"  Immediately the noise stopped and both dogs stopped barking. 

At this point I woke up enough to realize how f**ked up that was. 

I looked around, promptly headed back to bed with the pups, and put my earplugs back in.  I did NOT go back to sleep.  Hubs mumbled "is evey thing okay?"  and I said "nightlight".  I stared at the ceiling waiting for the buzzing to come back or the dogs to bark.  Thankfully neither happened!

Current mood....Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The "Screaming Goat" is my spirit animal so far this week.

The week after a holiday can be one of two things...INSANELY slow or chocked full of the most ridiculous issues that you consider drinking a bottle of wine EVERY NIGHT!

Mine is the latter. 

So to make myself happy, I'm looking at screaming goat videos and can't stop laughing.  They get me every time!

Although if I were to "scream like a goat" my husband/co-workers may have me committed....maybe...or maybe they'd just scream with me. 

OMG can you imagine a group of people just...

Maybe I drank too much wine....

I should go bug my husband at work....

Alcohol is bad, mmmkay

Okay not bad.  I am partaking in wine as I type this.  Over indulging in alcohol is bad...weeeeeeeeell, I say bad.  Its more annoying to those who are not as inebriated.  Look most of us have had that drunken moment(s) where we annoyed others.  So I get it.  I am very tolerant, especially if it is someone I care about. 

Fooosball is about to start, so we have this preseason stuff gong on, right?  Right.  It is very normal to partake in beer consumption before, during, and after games.  I had one BEFORE the game.  Hubs had...more.  Chaos (hilarity) ensued.  First, I didn't realize  how bad off he was till we went to leave and he forgot to put his headlights on...and then giggled.  OUT!  Now!  Put car back in park and exit. 

I'll just list the rest below (my side of the conversation bc its funnier that way):

- Stop touching me.  OMG, leave my zipper alone!  I STG boy I will pull this vehicle over.  NO, not to hump like bunnies in the back! 
- Pick a f**king station.  No...no...I did not mean find Barry White on my phone...*sigh* turn off "lets get it on"!
-  You want taco hell?  You?!?!  Mr. "I hate fast food" wants a Mexican Pizza...?  Okay.....
- Seriously, there are 15 cars in line at Taco Hell at 11PM?!?!  Stay here.  No STAY!  Did you just bark at me?!?!  Ewwwww you licked me!  Just stay, I'm going inside to get food. 
- *5 min later* he's doing the pee pee dance in the car.  OMG, just go...go pee...QUICKLY!
- Help me feed the pups...what are you doing?  Where are your pants????  Ya know what sit here...eat food...I'll do everything else.
- Where is my other taco? You ate it?!?  I hate you right now....
- *he passed out on the couch* Hey, hey!  I'm going shower.  Hey!!!! *shake shake shake* fine...Pups, behave!
- Sweetie, I'm going to bed.  *GRUNT* Okaaaaay...do you want me to take the pups out? *grunt*  right....  I took the dogs out just to be safe
- *20 min later* WTF was that crash?!?!? *runs out of bedroom*.  How...how are you still asleep?!?!!?  Why are all y'all hiding?!?!  WTF did you find?!?!  Hey...come to bed!  Don't yell at me.  FINE! 
- *15 min later* OMG they broke the TV!!!  What are you chasin?!?!!  How did a f**king dragonfly get in?!?!  How are you sleeping through this!?!?  WAKE UP, I need help!!!  You should come to bed so the animals stop freaking out.  Hey....sweetie come to bed.  Holy $hit you almost punched me.  *shaking him roughly* Do you just tell me to f**k off?!?!  FINE, I'm out.

I made the SADDEST attempt to catch the dragonfly and lost it....whatever I went back to bed.

- *some time later* why are they barking?!?!  What was that noise??!  Where did you get a shoe?!?  Give me that!  No no no, don't pee inside...dammit!  For f**ks sake WAKE UP!  Y'all stop playing!!!! Are you even alive?!  ARGH!!!!!

- *20 min later* OMG why are they screaming now!?!?!  Dogs shoooooosh! *walks into living room* Come here baby (our puppy is only 8 weeks old) That's it get up!  *slapped his butt* Are you shaking your @$$ at me?!?!?!  OMG...OMG that is rancid *gag* Jesus Christ now I know why its called Taco Hell!  You can stay, we are going to bed.

I finally went to sleep around 1:15AM, he woke me up at 3:30AM coming to bed, bad weather woke me up at 4:15AM, and I had to get up at 5AM.  Needless to say I was dragging @$$. 

SIDE NOTE - I sent passive aggressive texts to my love to document my adventures.  They were actually quite funny...see below.  Also I should note, I couldn't just put the puppy away in her kennel bc she knew he was on the couch and would scream and if she screamed speedy howled...and I was flipping tired.

TEXT 1:
There's a dragon fly in the living room.  I only know this because I heard a loud crash after I went to bed.  (This apparently had no affect on your dream state).  All 4 animals were making an attempt to kill it.  I tried to wake you for assistance, not once, not twice, not even three times....we'll go with four.  I lost the stupid thing while trying to catch it.  It's been more than 15 min and I can't find it.  I tried again to wake you and got nothing.  I'm tired too so again I will tell you im going to bed.  So if they break the tv or anything else trying to get that thing don't blame me. 



TEXT 2:
So I just got back from another awakening.  Im not sure how I hear it from the bedroom with the door closed and ear plugs in and you haven't moved.  I can only assume they caught or tried to catch the dragon fly again.  I also attempts to get you to come to bed.  I was rewarded with some unkind words and a grunt.  Am I angry? Yes but only because I'm exhausted and trying to sleep and keep getting awakened by insanity in the living room with zero assistance.  Good Night...or morning...or whatever time it is when you  wake up and see this.




TEXT 3: 
Captains log:  The pups were crying at the gate.  I took Speedy, put her to bed, and left you in the living room to sleep it off.   I've made my final attempt to move you with no luck.  You shook your butt at me and then farted.  Either you are beyond exhausted or had more beer than I realized.  Either way, I'm going to try and get 4 hours of sleep.

SIDE SIDE NOTE - We found the Dragonfly's remains the next morning...guess a cat caught it. 

And here we have a skelton shaking its hips...they don't lie

Shut up, I am funny.  And delirious.  I probably find it funnier because of the delirium.  This should be a wild ride...buckle up. 

I found this while cleaning...First I had NO idea peeling labels could be so gratifying.

I mean look at that pure unadulterated ecstasy.  Oh yea, peels so good!  I feel dirty just looking at this.  I clearly happened upon someone in the midst of enjoying their fetish.  Oh my bad...I'll just...soooooo what are you going to DO with that label...?  But for real...what was the photographers direction???  "I want you to peel that label like you are on the verge of experiencing the most satisfying orgasm of your life." 

I am concerned...I think my friend is saving body parts. *gulp*

What do I do!?!?!  Except that is clearly NOT human. Alien?  Fae?  Dragon?!?!  Do I call Mulder or the Winchesters or maybe Bo?  I was informed it is a "Buddha's Hand"...right...sure...*wink, wink*.  So really...are you a hunter???  What is it?!!?!?  Why is it in Vodka???  What else are you hiding...?  *eeeeep*

So these are NOT craft pieces...

These are edible ball bearings, also known as dragees.  They are basically sugar with a shiny coating.  It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize that these were "food", considering I didn't know what the definition of dragees was.  Then all I could think of was "Have you ever had those little cakes, with the crunchy ball bearings on top... ever had those... those things? Nobody else in the entire galaxy has ever even bothered to make edible ball bearings! Genius!" (10th Doctor - Fear Her) These look like real metal, dammit (yes, I know that is the point).  I feel like I'd crack a tooth or something. 


*lalala* when suddenly a life size blowup Batman hiding in the aisle.  Jesu....I need an adult and new pants!!!!!  That is f**king terrifying!

I'm Batman

Why!?!?  Seriously though.  It is fairly true to size...well I mean like small adult size.  If I got down in the same position it was only slightly larger.  Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and seeing that silhouette in the living room?!?! *ahhhhh* "I need new undies...and possibly a new heart".  Also...what is with the arm/fist placement.  It is very...uh..."suggestive".  He's like semi stroking it AND enjoying it!  Or a least doing the motion.  No really when the air catches it, the arm lazily pumps up and down while the head slowly nods...."Oh my god, does no one else see how wrong this is?!?!?"  Everything about this screams *not suitable for children* NC-17...X-Rated...(okay maybe I am being a tad dramatic) but there were so MANY parents placing children to take pics in the arms of this blow up "masturbating" monstrosity.  (I would have taken a video but there was a line of kids waiting)

Puppies are furry children on speed

So we got a puppy, yay!  Well we say yay, the other animals say "WTF!?!?  Are you kidding me??? Bring it back!"  It is like the never ending supply of energy.  "What you mean it's 2AM? I have to pee and now I want to play *weeeeeeee*!!!"  Needless to say are all experiencing a bit of sleep deprivation. 

For the past few weeks Convict walks around complaining.  The second Speedy gets close he jumps up and paces around the house grumbling, barking and growling.  Nothing aggressive, just irritated.  "I am the baby!  I can't believe you brought another dog home!  *argh* it's TOUCHING me!!! This is totally unacceptable!  I don't want a little brother!!!!!!!"

Old Man is remembering his younger years.  Speedy tries to play with him but on the tile his legs slide out from under him, so he just lays down and plays and it is just sad.  He barks and complains too but mostly because he can't play not because he doesn't want to.  Now on the rug he has a better stance so when he gets tired of Speedy's antics he almost easily throws Speedy into the wall which makes him walk away with his tail down, plotting on how to sneak up on grandpa.  "You listen here you little...wait what was I saying...oh look a puppy...hey, don't bite that!"  While the little one is clearly thinking "mom, he smells funny." Which earns us a sideways stare from Old Man.

Old lady cat is just pissed.  She seeks him out just to smack him and growl in his face.  He is 100% NOT scared of her which is hilarious for me.  He corners her which results in noises I didn't know my cat could make.  It sounds like someone is being murdered by a yipping puppy.  "reeeeeehmeow!!! *hiss, hiss* *growl*"  followed by "bark, bark, bark *growl, growl* bark!"  all the while bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean with his butt up in the air.  I swear I thought WWIII broke out in my living room the other morning.    With her making crazy noises and Convict complaining it was insanity.  Old lady is definitely plotting my death. "You will die a slow and painful death hoomin.  Does not fall asleep."  

Demon spawn on the other hand is just curious.  Now, she wont go by him unless he is sleeping or close to it but when he is out she creeps up real close to investigate.  When he chases her she just calmly scurries up the couch and quietly hisses...nothing like what we hear coming from the other cat.  She perches on the back of the couch and watches him play.  It really is rather cute.  Every once in a while when he is laying down and she comes over I feel like the conversation is:

Speedy: Hey, what are you?!?
Demon: I'm a cat...what.are.you...?
Speedy: I'm a hound dog!!!  We're gonna be best friends!
Demon: I don't have "friends" *saunters away with her tail up*

Bet you didn't realize I owned the cat version of Sherlock Holmes.  It's been interesting to say the least.  Hopefully the other animals adjust to his presence soon and things calm down in our household *yawn* o_O. 

I'm a time traveler!

Or the person at the radio station forgot to change the auto message that runs between songs. 

But I'd rather think I am a time traveler.  Oh oh maybe I was traveling and then had to forget but I got dropped off 5 days later or 3 days earlier than planned.  So now I'm all confused because when I woke up this morning I SWORE it was Monday (booooo Monday).  But as I was driving to work the radio station I was listening to said "Welcome to the Friday Free for All". 

I was still in the process of fully waking up.  I mean I was awake enough to drive and be alert but anything more cognitive than that...I think you get the idea.  I seriously thought I slept through the week OR I had one hell of an elaborate dream on Thursday night and I hadn't experienced the weekend just yet.  Which if the latter was the case then WHOOHOO!  It wasn't.  I changed the station and heard the regular Monday morning schtick on another morning show.  *le sigh*. 

Stupid radio DJ mussin up my morning. 

I thought the hell hounds came to collect a debt I forgot about...

I got the scare of my life last night!  I may be exaggerating but I was quite frightened.  I had just started having a great dream when I heard a faint knock.  Thinking it was a dreaming dog kicking the dresser I relaxed.  Then I heard something moving under the bed.  Like the pushing of a box.  Okaaaaaaay I am awake.  It is pitch black in my room and everyone that makes me feel safe is snoring.  So I sit there and listen (I had ear plugs in but I was scared to take them out).  From the depths of the darkness I hear this  deep grumbling growl.  It sounded angry and evil and not like a noise I'd ever heard come from one of my fur babies. *whimper* I should say goodbye since clearly I am not going to live through this. 

So I took out the ear plugs and....silence...nothing...no growling, no shuffling just the light snoring of dogs and husband.  Was I dreaming?!?  So I tried to settle back down to sleep but I just couldn't relax.  Then I heard the knocking again and the growl.  What the hell?!?  Took out the earplugs and listened.  Again, silence.  Seriously I am losing it.  No more horror movies/books for me. 

I decided not to put the earplugs back in and just laid there in the dark listening.  Just as I started to dose off I heard the growl, it was getting closer and deeper like it was on the floor by my head.  Then I felt something tugging on the end of the comforter by my feet.  *shit shit shit* what is that?!?! At this point I thought I was about to die a horrible death like those crazy people in horror movies who don't run but just sit and wait...in the dark.  I was sitting up backing up against the head board when this shadow effing kamikazed me right in the face!  I mean like an alien face hugger was the only image that came to mind.  I screamed, everyone else woke up, there was another thump onto the bed, growling and then this inhuman screeching.  This happened in seconds.  My brain finally registered what was going on.  The thing that hit my face was furry. It had razor blade nails/teeth.  Ah-ha, there was a cat/kitten fight happening pretty much in my lap. 

Apparently the new kitten who happens to be black as night finally figured out she can go further than the living room and got into the bedroom.  Old lady kitty was pissed and was growling.  I've heard her make weirdo noises before but this was a new noise.  The knocking was the kitten coming over the puppy gate, the shuffling was...I dunno she was playing with something under the bed and the tugging was her climbing up the comforter.  I didn't think "oh its a kitten" because she was locked up in another part of the house!  Apparently she got out...yay!

I mean she did me a favor...I now know my heart functions properly. 

I hate cats!

Okay, not really.  I love MY cat but the strays outside make me batty. 

I was exhausted yesterday.  We had a family emergency the night before and I barely slept so last night I crashed!  I was out cold before 10:30 which is super early for me.  As I was having lolly pop dreams and whatnot something happened.  I was jolted out of a dead sleep by convict barking incessantly.  So what do I do?  Well I flop my arm over the side of the bed and say "shhhhhhh, its ok...*blah blah blah*".  Well he wouldn't give up.  He kept barking, whining, growling.  OMG!?!?  Then I faintly hear hubs say "did you hear that?" Uhhhhh let me remove my handy dandy ear plugs.  Suddenly the world is full of noise...which included the sounds of something dying, huh...am I still sleeping?

No...no wait...is that a cat...?  My cat was sleeping on my butt.  Ummm outside...yes, that sounds right...must be outside.  Give me a break, I was still 1/2 asleep.  We waited it out thinking oh it will stop on its own.  WRONG!  One *meoooooooow* *hissssssss* *growl* *angry screaming cat noise* turned into at least two, maybe three.  Then it got louder, more aggressive.  "What the hell are they doing out there!?!??!" *bang, skitter, bang*  more crazy cat noises...Uhhhh did something just hit a window?!?!  That's it, where is the pellet gun? All the while crazy dog, is going crazy. 

Well I was in my knickers...so going out front didn't seem like a smart idea.  In our brain dead state we resorted to banging on the window.  *Frankenstein voice* "stooooooop.  shhhhhhh. gooooo awaaaaaaay." *bang bang bang*.  Didn't work.  I know, lets get a flash light *click, click* "ahhhhhhh its bright, its bright!!!" Damn you reflective solar screen.  Maybe if I go in the back yard and bang on the fence they'll go away. *la la la* "ahhhhh I stepped on a slug, I stepped on a slug" *hopping around on one foot, trying to get the gooey carcass from between my toes*.  Mind you at this point I still hadn't put my pajama bottoms on (or shoes, clearly) but my t-shirt was long-ish so whatever.  Apparently all of that finally spooked them and they ran off.  

I had no idea until this morning that someone actually got a video of the cat fight.

Cool beans, right?!?  I think I need more caffeine...NOLAGurl out.

This might be TMI. . .if you are of the male gender I suggest not reading further

Ok so I am clearly female...at least I think its clear.  Anyways I suffer from all the normal monthly female issues.  Now granted mine are not NEARLY as severe as other women but I have some symptoms none the less.  Anyways for years I've been trying to figure out how to aptly describe the different feelings to guys who ask without totally ooging them out.  Now that I am married my husband has noticed different things about me and I can't ever quite explain them properly. 

As in he's asked "how do you know its "starting"?  Like is it all pain, grumpiness, or is it just like oh crap now I need new undies?"  Thanks dear for the simplification.  So I've told him repeatedly its like right before anything , um well happens, if you are paying attention and are not otherwise distracted you feel like a nudge or a jolt or a feeling like in the pit of your stomach.  This just seems to confuse him further because he is thinking like an electric shock or a lightening bolt and that's not what I mean. 

Its not always pain (at least not for me...not right away anyway). Well this morning I finally had a comparison.  I was awakened out of dead sleep by my body.  I kind of jerked but only ever so slightly.  The 1st image that popped in my head was when the clocks start in the movie "In Time".  When the two main characters are talking about when their "clocks" started what they were doing.  The guy says he was walking down the street and it almost knocked him over (that has TOTALLY happened to me before...and then I casually rush to the nearest restroom to prevent any embarrassing moments).  The girl says she was sleeping and it woke her up (hmmmm yep). 

To make this comparison even more weird...now that I've associated the movie and my...um life...I can picture a clock on my arm.  But my clock isn't counting down the years I have left to live...it's counting how many years I have left to potentially have kids.  Yep...that's where my brain went.  I don't ever think like that.  I want to have little ones but I'm not rushing or stressing.  Yes, we will have them but somehow my 1/2 asleep sub-conscious decided I should start thinking about it now and unfortunately I cannot get this image out of my head.  The whole biological clock thing just took on a whole new meaning o_O.