Massacre at mile 11

I have always been worried about the horror stories you hear about running.  You are putting your body through quite a lot so you never know when that b**ch might rebel. 

I've had minor issues before, but for the most part it's been things I can deal with.  

My last half was brutal.  Since there's still COVID around I 100% thought it would be canceled or postponed.  Which means in my brain I wasn't nearly as motivated to train.  I trained up to 10 miles but I reached that 6 weeks prior to the race and then did jack $hit.  

I knew it would be difficult.  I mean I knew I could finish it but I would not be feeling great by the end...  

But I pushed myself because I was cold and stubborn.  I was doing great but I hit a bit of a wall at mile 8.75-ish.  Like my legs felt like lead. 

I walked for a while hoping it would pass but every time I ran, LEAD LEGS.  

I drank water & powerade, ate some gummies and Gu.  Nothing was helping.  Then as I was coming around a bend there was beer.  I don't like to take drinks from strangers, especially during a pandemic but I was desperate.    

It worked.  I mean I wasn't running like the flash but I wasn't dragging @$$ as much.  I know there is some science-y explanation but I am just going with beer good.  

I thought I got this!  I looked at my watch and thought, "OMG, if I keep this pace I could match last year's time" which would be impressive without much training.  

WHY DID I EVEN THINK THAT?!?!

The Universe

As I was pushing through mile 11 it happened.  

THIS IS 100% TMI...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I was past the last water station...no more potties until the finish line.  I have never in my LIFE been more thankful for black pants.  I couldn't stop....so I ran as best as I could.  I needed to finish.  I needed to be done.  I needed a SHOWER!

I know what you are probably thinking happened BUT it wasn't that....it was more girly....If you haven't figured it out I was suddenly bleeding...A LOT.

I was that commercial.  They 100% could put me running a half marathon with the caption of "where will you be when the gush happens".   I was hurting, tired, and feeling sooooooo gross.  But I finished. By God I FINISHED!

Have I mentioned I really hate being a girl sometimes.

So you just happened to be running right behind me...?

This...world makes me so freaking paranoid.  I've been trying to stay active and it's really hard because the sun sets so freaking early!!! I finally just sucked it up and started running at dusk/night.  

Can I tell you as a female, that is f**king scary!  I live in a safe area.  I have active neighbors who are outside all the time.  It was just after christmas so the area was lit up with lights.  But I am smallish and know full well no where is actually safe. 

That's why as I was running the other day I got so effing freaked out!  

I run listening to music but I can still hear the world around me which is why I about had a heart attack when I realized I heard another set of feet hitting the concrete.  I was doing speed intervals but didn't want to slow down. 

I couldn't see anyone in my peripheral but it was very dark with only the street lights every so often where I was.  And I wasn't near my house, I was in the back of my neighborhood. So I decided to change up my route.  As I did, I looked over my shoulder and saw...no one.

So now I think I am insane and paranoid.  I slowed a bit but kept going.  Then I heard it again.  

I muted my music.  I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears and could feel my breathing getting labored, I was tired and scared.  I turned a corner and saw some people outside so I slowed down.  

I was cracking my neck when I noticed someone WAS about 100 or so yards behind me.  

At this point I was about 3 blocks from my house so I took off.  I was sprinting (I do NOT sprint).  

I made it home in record time, 100% ignoring the prompts from my running app.  As I ran up my driveway my shadow was running by.  He was probably 6'3" and skinny fit, young-ish and possibly attractive (it was dark!).  He said breathing heavily, "Good Run! I didn't think I was gonna keep up today!" and he kept going.  

 What...what just happened?!?

2 days later I left about 10 min later than normal bc work is stupid.  As I  was coming down one of the streets I saw him come out of a house on my route.  

My assumption is we are on a similar schedule.  I am fairly certain he runs behind me EVERY DAY and I was just a little late that night so I noticed him.  

Its like some weird unorganized running group...of two. Maybe he doesn't want to run alone or maybe he doesn't want me to be alone.  Maybe I should ask...

It really is sad how scared I was initially. It's warranted, you really don't know what kind of crazies are out there.  But at least now I seem to have an unofficial running buddy.  

They see me rollin'

On a happier note in this time of insanity I am a weirdo!

So since I have a serious case of cabin fever, I try to "get out" as much as possible NOT WITH PEOPLE at parks or in groups.  Usually in my back yard or I run in my hood while all the families are eating dinner.  It's awesome, there is like no one out and about.  But it sucks because no one is out and about.

Now I live in a safe area, I'd like to think but running the streets ALONE during the apocalypse is f**king creepy!  It's like walking around in  I am legend...

I keep waiting for Zombies on speed to come running out of the shadows, and then I remember....I am not that fast!  An 11 min mile is decent but not a Cheetah Zombie pace!!!

Today I decided to ride my bike instead.  I am faster on a bike, ha!  So I put one ear bud in (safety 1st) and went on my way.  Now I look like your typical soccer mom.  I am not a mom nor do I attend soccer games but I am a small-ish suburban blonde 30 something in Lululemon knockoffs and Nikes. 

Not my pic

So imagine as I rolled through my 'hood jamming to some...interesting music. I looked like a modern day Donna Reed singing "I got my twin glock .40s, cocked back. Me and my homies, so drop that"...

Anyways, as I came around the corner and saw one of our elderly neighbors on her porch and I realized singing "Hold up, wait up, shorty. "Oh aw wazzup, get my d**k sucked, what are you doin'?"" Was probably something I should stop doing while looking like....

I mean she couldn't have heard me...right...

I am hoping her hearing aids were off...

Don't be a tw@t

Public Service Announcement:

If you notice someone has gained weight...SHUT UP.  I guarantee you that person is fully aware that they are heavier.  They are probably VERY upset about it.  They do not need to hear about it from judgy @$$holes like you.

We all see it with celebrities and it pisses me off.  They are still HUMAN.  Just because they gained some weight and aren't a negative 4 doesn't mean we should blast it all over the internet and make them feel worse.

Same goes with your family/friends/co-workers.  Trust me they know what they look like.  And you can't POSSIBLY know what is happening in their life so shut it!

I say this because I have recently become the "target" of such comments.  Not to my face...no that would be rude...BUT to my cousins and brothers and sister in laws...and aunts...and uncles...should I f**king continue?  It came to a head when I said something to a cousin and she told me "yea...I've heard a lot about your @$$ and thighs recently...it pissed me off!"  Yea well it pisses me off too!

I am not a size zero (nothing wrong with that by the way) but I am not f**king fat either!  I am horribly out of shape compared to this time last year.  My muscle has turned to...not muscle.  Booooooooo!  But its not because I've become a lazy f**k or something.  Its because I am dealing with stupid $hit that I can't talk to anyone about except my husband (NDA b**ches) and I am f**king stressed out!

I am still running races but I went from working out 6 days a week to maybe one...maybe.  I don't eat awful BUT I've been eating out much more.  I don't eat sweets much so that's good but my guilty pleasure is a coke.

Why?  Well because I am driving an hour each way to work...EVERY DAY.  I am working 10 hour days.  By the time I get home its f**king dark...or getting dark and I am trying to attempt dinner.  Otherwise we order in.  I don't stop at all 'til bed time.  I go to bed...rinse repeat.  Could I make time?  Of course...I'd sacrifice sleep and at the moment...I don't think I can.  I am barely getting 6 hours a night now.   I am taking supplements to help with lady things that happen to make you retain a bit more fluid.  I have diagnosed IBS and while its under control for the most part when I get stressed my tummy pokes out because just look up IBS and you'll get it.

So yea I am a bit jiggly in places I didn't used to be.  I think I look like $hit, thanks.  But I don't need comments from the peanut gallery and I still fit in my clothes (and no they aren't too snug) so suck it!  I mean somethings I forgo...like a really tight shirt....or anything that grips the tummy area.  And GOD am I dreading putting on a swimsuit but whatever. 

My point is quit talking $hit.  You don't know what other people are going through, unless you ask...and NO ONE HAS ASKED!  You aren't making comments because you are concerned...if you were you'd say them to me in the form of "hey, I noticed you aren't running as much...you okay?" or "I noticed you aren't working from home as much...wanna talk about it?" See that isn't RUDE!  You are making comments behind someone's back to gossip so, f**k you very much. 

My nipples could cut glass!

TMI...?  Sorry. 

So I ran in the Louisiana 5k and Half this weekend.  On Saturday when we woke up it was 32 degrees but it "felt like" 24 degrees...I think it warmed up to 34 by race time.  On Sunday it was 24 degrees when we woke up but "felt like" 18...I think it warmed up to 27 degrees by race time.  Why do we do this to ourselves?!?!  Oh right because we signed up months ago and this $hit is expensive!

Anyways, on Saturday we ran easy intervals and we were good.  I had on a tank, a long sleeve moisture wicking shirt, a Northface zip up, a Wearguard half zip, running gloves, a headband ear protector thingy, and a beanie.  I didn't remove ANY layers!!!  I know it was only 3.1 miles and if we'd have run more I probably would have stripped off a layer or two but that speaks VOLUMES to me.  As in...it was f**king cold! 

When we finished I was STARVING so we went eat the yummy food at the finisher festival. 

Seriously, if you ever come for the LA Marathon weekend, the finisher food is the BEST!

On Sunday, we ran a little harder...we were VERY ambitious with the intervals.  Before the start I stripped down to just a tank, a long sleeve moisture wicking shirt, a zip up running jacket, running gloves, a headband ear protector thingy, and a beanie.  It was f**king cold!  The ONLY thing I removed was the beanie.  Again that speaks volumes.  We were running pretty hard but it was so cold we didn't take any other layers off.  There was a point where it felt like I had leggings on under my running leggings because my thighs were numb.  My face hurt.  My lungs HURT.  It was like we couldn't get enough oxygen in because the air was cold and burned.  After the 7-8 mile mark we slowed down significantly because breathing while running hurt and we couldn't catch our breath.  Some people may have been fine but many of us were not. 

When we finished we were okay for about 5 minutes and then we were FREEZING.  Thank goodness we had some layers to put back on after.  I was so cold my teeth were chattering.  Even in the sun, I just couldn't get warm. 

I wasn't even hungry.  I just did 13.1 miles and didn't even feel a little grumble.  I got food, of course, and I ate as much as I could convince my stomach I needed but it wasn't much.  And the food was soooooooo delicious...but I was just too cold...argh! 

Even after taking the hottest shower I could stand, I don't think I actually felt warm until 4 or 5 that evening. 

I wasn't hungry until I got to my Dad's for the Saints game at 3:45 ish and I wasn't even that hungry...just a little peckish.  My body was MAD about the whole below freezing running thing.  I was coughing too and was worried I got myself sick.  But apparently you can "freeze " your trachea and lungs with cold air and exertion if you don't cover your face.  Symptoms are fatigue, coughing, losing your voice, and generally feeling like poo.  GREAT!  I feel better now but geesh! We don't have face cover thingys...its not usually this cold down here!

Anyways, I've done races in the cold before..slightly below freezing before but this was different and this race was way longer.  So now I can say I ran a half in below freezing temps...in LOUISIANA no less.  Would I do it again?  Probably.  But I would buy a face cover thingy. 

So its a bunch of guys running around free-ballin'...?

This is my email.  THAT is an invite to a race.  I read that as "FRESHJUNK Racing" and saw it was for the "Turkey Trot".  And all I could picture was a bunch of guys running around with their junk out because...well I mean if you think about it...its a Turkey race....

And that "Snood" looks suspiciously like some angry...*ahem* never mind.

Also, looking at pics of turkey necks has me giggling like an IDIOT...obvi none of these pics are mine

Its...its Emo ..."I mean, like don't pretend to KNOW me,
also my name is Urie...respect"

Ahhh yes, the elder nutsack

Sir...sir....your Snood appears inflamed, I recommend antibiotics

I can't...it's like something out of  the Dark Crystal

Why so sad...cold shower...?

You makin' fun of me, Riz?

Someone roll me in bubble wrap and lock me indoors!

I'm an adult... An adult who is coordinated...85% of the time.  But that 15% of the time I am not coordinated...I end up in a world of pain. 

So I was doing that running thing, right?  I do that a lot.  Or at least enough that I know running in Louisiana can be hazardous.  But most races do this thing where they mark the $hit out of the roads to show where there are potholes or raised pieces of pavement.  Not all do it but you understand the risks because they say it like 20 times before you start. 

Recently I was doing a longer race, not a half but not a 5K.  2 miles in and I ate asphalt.  You don't understand, it wasn't like a simple trip.  This was....

A toe catching on a piece of raised asphalt
Spaztically falling forward while swinging arms trying to balance
Thinking you are okay as you seem to catch yourself
Crying internally when you feel your foot turn sideways and you pitch forward, completely off balance

What made it worse...I was RUNNING.  I wasn't walking or slowly jogging.  We were full out running because...I don't know why.  So when my toe caught there was quite a bit of momentum to balance out.

As I went crashing down I put my hands out.  The problem is the force at which I was falling was too great for my arms to keep my face from slamming into the ground.  So in that split second of realization I turned on my shoulder.  I slid 3 feet on my f**king shoulder! 

Before I registered what happened I had hands all over me picking me.  Seriously, runners are the BEST.  So many people stopped to pick me up.  Literally zero effort went into me standing because I was lifted off the ground.  After I said "I'm okay, I'm okay" and smiled they took off and we moved over to the side to limp it out.  As I was assessing myself and not really feeling any immediate serious pain I looked at my friend who kept asking if I was okay and I said "no really, I'm fine".  Then I looked down at my hand.  I have blood dripping from my fingers.  Not just a minor scrap, it was pouring out of a spot where my thumb meets the palm.  "Ummm crap, okay maybe not okay."  She ran ahead to get help while I wandered slowly still trying to see why nothing hurt that bad.   That's about when I realized my knee had a pulse...hmmm that's odd.  I looked down but I had long black pants on so I didn't see anything.  We get some basic supplies to clean me up. 

That poor cop.  As I am walking up to them I hear "my friend fell, do you have a first aid kit...or at least a bandaid?"  He looks in my direction but doesn't really see me and says "yes, sure, where is she?"  And I looked right at him and opened my hand still gushing blood.  He turned white.  Which was impressive because he was pretty tan.  He ran to his car and handed us some supplies and bolted.  He made sure I was okay but wouldn't look directly at my injuries...I guess blood weirded him out. 

Anyways, I clean up as best I can with wipes and a bandaid.  Once I hand my hand wrapped in a wipe to staunch the blood flow I bent over and pulled up my pant leg.  My knee started oozing blood....crap crap crap!  I guess the tight pants were keeping the blood from flowing.  So I quickly pulled them back down and hoped for the best.  My shoulder while sore was the best looking part of me.  It was scrapped but not horrifically...how the F**K?!?!  I slid 3 feet on asphalt...on my shoulder...I'm confused.

Anyways, we kept going because I really was feeling okay and figured there would be medical at one of the water stations, boy was I f**king wrong about that.  No medics till the end...doh! Whatever I finished the race with a punctured hand, bruised & bloody knee, and road rash shoulder.  I felt like I looked like an extra from the walking dead.  Those finisher pics should be AMAZING!

The medic at the end was all what happened...well sir I tried to fight the road and the road won.  He SCRUBBED my knee to get pieces of asphalt out (mother f**ker!!!!) and he dug around in my hand to make sure there weren't any rocks stuck in it (son of a b**ch!!!!).  Oh I know I said I had pants on but there were all these tiny holes in them I didn't notice in my original assessment meaning pieces of the ground went through and INTO MY KNEE!  He put some special ointment on my knee and a HUGE bandage.  He said to not get it wet and keep it on for a few hours....great!

An hour later I was in my shower finding every other scrape on my body and cringing in pain.  I also had my leg propped up to keep my knee from getting wet...I was a mess.  After a few hours everything stiffened up.  Breathing hurt....I barely slept that night because my entire body ached and no position was comfy....

Its been about a week.  My hand is mostly healed and my shoulder looks like nothing happened.  My knee looks like it went a few rounds with a meat grinder and is a lovely shade of purple/green/yellow.  Its still sore but I'll live. 

Moral of the story: Watch where you are going, Louisiana streets jump up and bite ya if you aren't careful. 

Go home Mother Nature...you are DRUNK!

Southern States don't really have a true winter.  I mean like it gets cool...ish but rarely do we have Hard Freeze Warnings for the Entire state...especially the SE portion of it.  I mean it happens but its not often and when it does...if there is Ice/Sleet/Snow we can't function.  And its usually once in the season for like a day or two.

Thankfully this time the rain stopped BEFORE the temps dropped too much so the Ice/Sleet/Snow was not a factor for the most part. 

But you see I had races this weekend...BECAUSE I AM CRAZY.  I had to bow out of the one Saturday *whew* but Sunday I still ran. 

Now mind you when I checked the weather forecast on Thursday it said  "Saturday 39 with a windchill of 34" and "Sunday 43 with a wind chill of 38".  Okay that is f**king cold BUT we got this...right.  I checked it Friday evening and it said "Saturday 34 with a windchill of 28" and "Sunday 39 with a wind chill of 34"... 

I woke up Saturday morning...

WTF?!?!?  Glad I'm staying home...

You might be thinking that is just a thin layer of ice over water...NOPE!  It is a frozen solid 5" puddle (shut up that is significant down here).  I stood on it.  It cracked a little but it held my weight....So yea, I had on my heater but I also had on  leggings, sweat pants, two long sleeve shirts, and a sweat shirt.  I was still f**king cold...so I basically spent my Saturday under a blanket on the couch with two dogs and two cats huddled for warmth.  I am southern...I am not made for this!

From Hyperbole and a Half (not mine)

So Sunday I get up to run 5.59 miles and see this...

Oh come on now!  F**k you Mother Nature!!!  So yea I ran in this.  The issue isn't the running.  Once you get started (and can finally feel you feet), you warm up significantly.  The issue is when you stop.  Because when you stop, you are sweaty and its still below freezing.  So yea I froze my @$$ off waiting for my friend (which wasn't long) and froze further trying to get some Jambalaya and Beer.  I went home and took the hottest shower I could stand...it took me 30 minutes to warm up in the shower.  Basically I was a human Popsicle.

Yes yes yes I know other people run in sub zero Bull$hit and run in this type of weather all the time but as I've stated before...I.am.Southern....we aren't used to this.  I can handle a cool run but freezing...f**k that...BURR!

What sucks is because we were so cold after the race, I didn't get to go to WWNOLA this year *wah*.  I really wanted to do the autograph thing with at least Stephen Amell and/or Christopher Lloyd.

So I am only "right" if I agree with you....

Apparently me running all these race things is inspirational UNTIL it "interferes" with family time. 

Okay so I run...I think I've made that clear.  I've done 1/2 marathons in the past but I haven't done one in about 5 years.  I was going to do one in October but I fell and bruised my ribs a few days before soooooo yea that didn't happen.  But I am doing one soon...my 1st one in FIVE YEARS!  I signed up back in like May...it helped with motivation to work out...of course I've been slacking since I fell...I may die...DOH!

Anyways, my fam has been all "OMG that is so awesome!" or "We are so proud of you all, that is such an accomplishment" or whatever.   But this time there is a "family" fitness thing happening at the same time.  Since I run it was assumed I would attend this thing.  Well I can't because I am running a f**king half!  But apparently someone is "so disappointed in me that I would choose to run a half instead of doing the family thing".  Seriously?!?!  I signed up in MAY!  Its a f**king HALF MARATHON!  I will see all y'all a gazillion times over the holidays.  Not to mention halfs are not exactly cheap so yea no I will not just not run it. 

Apparently this "I didn't get my way so I am going to be an @$$hole" thing doesn't end with toddlers. 

Talk about an awesome support team *rolling eyes*...People suck!

I think I bruised my uterus

Is that even possible?  And no I am not talking about rough sex, get your mind out the gutter. 

So I am clumsy, that is evident...but I am also coordinated enough to dance pretty good, run without falling, and climb trees.  I think I am really two different people smashed into one body.  Wait...

Anyways, so yesterday was like any other day at the office.  We completed a huge project where we organized a ton of stuff for a large client.  No really, HUGE project...it took us over a week to complete.  Anyways, the stuff was in two decent sized boxes each weighing about 20-25 lbs which I was to deliver today.  So yesterday afternoon myself and another lady hauled the two boxes down the stairs and to my car.  We did it because the big burly men in our office were conveniently MIA. 

Moving on, I was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and black pumps...my friend was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and gray pumps (trust me this is important...mostly).  As we were headed to the stairs she stumbled into a wall but caught herself *whew*, so she took off her shoes (if there was EVER a f**king red flag waving this was it).  I did not remove my shoes and headed VERY CAREFULLY down the stairs.  I made it to the bottom without issue *woo hoo*.  What happened next can only be described  as...comical...painful but comical.  

- I opened the door by leaning on it and held it open for my friend
- She stepped out, I let the door close
- We both stepped forward towards the curb
- My right heel went in between two sections of concrete (I didn't realize this)
- My left foot was planted and I went to step with my right
- It didn't move...
- I pitched forward
- But there was no foot to put down

- My weight was on my left foot so I couldn't step forward to catch myself
- Add in an extra 20+ lbs...I didn't stand a chance "ha"
- The heel snapped
- I flew forward at an incredible speed
- The box hit the ground
- I hit the box full on with my torso
- The box EXPLODED under my weight and the momentum
- My hands eventually hit the concrete (ow)
- My face went INTO the box (Ow!)
- My legs went up and almost over my head (OW! guess I'm a little flexible)
- They slammed back down, driving both my knees into the concrete curb (have I mentioned OW!!!!)
- I rolled off the box onto my butt and started laughing hysterically wondering WTF just happened.

My friend was so shocked she couldn't talk.  It happened so fast!  Finally she said "Oh my god! Are you...are you okay?!?!" My response...

 

Truthfully I felt ZERO pain at that point (yay for adrenaline). 

**FLASH FORWARD 3 HOURS**

I am laying on my couch with a heating pad.  I took 2 Advil and am watching horror movies on Netflix.  My knees and wrists are mostly fine.  But now that the adrenaline is gone I can feel the strained muscle in my shoulder blade area, my jaw is tender (I think I clanked my teeth together), my abs feel like I went through 5 rounds with Ali, and I am 99% certain I have at least two slightly bruised ribs.

I can say without a doubt the box saved me.  Had I fallen without the box my wrists and knees would have bared the brunt of the fall, possibly resulting in broken bones and I may not have been able to stop my face from slamming into the concrete.  So I am fine...I lost my favorite pair of black pumps but I am still mostly intact. 

Side Note - I am supposed to run a half on Saturday...a Half...like 13.1 miles.  I got this...I think...ha....