This is why I make my husband do it!

I am not a "the man does this around the house" or a "woman's job is ___" kinda girl.  Do what you feel comfortable doing and ask help with the rest.  Right?  Right!

Anywhos, I decided to do something I rarely do these days.  I decided to bring the trash bins to the curb.  I will take the trash out to the bin but I don't usually bring the bin out because it tends to be quite hefty.  Well since I was home alone and I didn't want to forget...I decided to be helpful and do this minor task.

I walked up to the bin and pulled...it doesn't budge.
OW! WTF is in here?!?!
So I grab and *heeeeaaaaaave*...no
Hmmmm....

Now a logical person would have OPENED the bin to see What the f**k was going on.  I am not that person.

I did a two handed grab and leaned back with all my weight...it barely budges.  *grrrr*

*spit, spit, rub* (jk that's gross).  I grabbed and pulled with all my might & weight.

It starts to tilt...yes...YES!  Then the weight of it pulls it all the way down and out of my grasp...no...no...NO!

It hits the ground, the lid flies off and PUTRID...I mean absolutely RANCID water comes sloshing out...ALL OVER ME.

*ahhhhhhhh*  I'm not talking about a little water...we are talking GALLONS.  It must have been half full of water.  But also full of...trash.  It contained cat litter, kitchen trash, bathroom trash, dog poop bags, and God knows what else.

It smelled like something died, baked in the sun, was eaten, vomited up, eaten again...and then that creature died too.  Just pure nasty and I was COVERED IN IT!

I did something I would usually not do. I....I...*gulp* I....*shudder*....I scooped up the limp wads of trash goop that washed out with my bare hands that were already covered in stinky brown water.  Picked up the bin.  Walked it to the curb.  Calmly walked back to my door...hid behind my car...and stripped off my clothes, while dancing around  saying "gross gross gross gross." 

I am not sure anyone saw me...but if they did, they got a great view of me in my bra & thong as I bolted into my laundry room.

I tossed everything in the wash, stripped off my undies, and took the HOTTEST shower I could stand.

Either the smell is still on me or its just burned into my nostrils bc I can still smell it.....

I don't know what divinity I pissed off but I am sorry...please stop torturing me!!!

Plants are sentient...I for one welcome our new vegetation overlords...

So I love to garden, right?  Well we are trying to move so we are ramping up the look of our house.  This just means my normal spring gardening just got 10 times more difficult.  I always do a spring clean up but when you are going for pleasing aesthetics you go a little more over the top.

Step one prune back the monster bushes that have taken over the garden.

As I've stated in the past these things went through a flood and ever since have become enormous.  I trim them WAY back every year...multiple times and they grow right back to their mutant state.  My only conclusion is some nutrient in the water from FIVE YEARS AGO changed them somehow.  Its like Radioactive Miracle Gro or something.

Anyways, as I was hacking away at the shrubbery I realized something....it was fighting back!!!!

1.  I was slapped in the face on more than one occasion by "rogue" branches.  

2.  I kept getting caught on branches, that refused to let me go

3.  My shears and saw kept getting ripped from my hands by stubborn shrubbery

4.   I was attacked (or just scared $hitless) by wasps, bumble bees, ants, beetles, doodle bugs, skinks, lizards, baby snakes (non-venomous), spiders (non-venomous), BIRDS....shall I keep going?!?!?!

5.  A plant sneezed on me.  No really...as I was chopping away at one of the shrubs it erupted into a cloud of yellow pollen.  It was like the f**king thing went "ah choo *pahahaha*" in my face! 

 

Basically, I was covered in plant jizz! *ewwwwww*

6.  And this is the kicker.  I am VERY careful in the garden.  Anything with 3 leaves or red vines I steer clear of.  Yet 3 days after playing in my garden...I have a blistery red rash on one arm.  WTF?!?!?!!?  F**k you poison ivy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am a sneezy itchy mess and I have a fancy dress party in one day.  Just shoot me now *sobbing*.

Please stop talking...pretty please...oh dear this is painful

Right so I am apparently too nice...and too friendly.  Complete strangers tell me the weirdest and sometimes very personal things.  But its not a bad thing and I guess sometimes people just need to get it out.

Right so called someone I am not necessarily close to but have known via business for years.  And the following happened:

Jane: Hello.
Me: Hi Jane! I need your help with _______
Jane: *Silence* Hi...NOLA Gurl
Me: *less joyous* Did you see my email?
Jane: Yes but...but I haven't really been in...I...did I tell you about my relative?
Me: Wha...? No...
Jane: They died...

Me: *danger will Robinson* *abort abort* Oh honey I am so sorry...
*thinking this was the end of it and we'd move to another subject*
Jane: They had (insert AWFUL disease) and...well I am one of many...and...they well they caused it themselves.  They started (insert bad habit) after a bad relationship.  And their kids stopped coming around and we gave up.  And their mom took care of them when they got too sick.  And...well I decided to help to give the mom a break.  But I made sure those kids started mending the relationship because they would regret it. 

So I helped and it was okay.  We talked and bickered and I helped them to bed.  Then things went bad.  They were drooling excessively.  Something just wasn't right.  So we called an ambulance and within 24 hours they died of an internal hemorrhage. 

And the funeral was yesterday....
(short version...there was much more but...)
 Me: Why are you at work?  I mean I know its a distraction but...are you okay...? 
(I know, I know dumb question...obviously NOT okay but I was on the verge of tears.)

Jane:  If I stay home I'll cry all day and night.  It was a big funeral. It was nice but its all a blur.  We are doing something as a family to try to heal.  They weren't that old.  I am just scattered.

Me:  I can't even imagine.  Again I am so incredibly sorry...but at least you got to see them again before they died. 
Jane:  Yes...that helps.  I was....I was the last person they saw.

*suddenly back to business* 
I gave my condolences again and we disconnected. 

I was CRYING at my desk after.  How horrible!  I mean I know they were suffering with this illness but Jiminy Cricket that hurt me and I don't even know them.  Its just so sad.

My take away.  Don't take anyone for granted.  You never know when they may not be there anymore.  Even if you are fighting...even if they are stubborn...try to make amends because you just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.

It's the small achievements that mean the most......and are possibly the most entertaining....

Right, so I am pint sized for the most part.  I work out but I am by no means muscular just fit...ish.  Anyways living in the South means that whole "6 more weeks of winter" predicted by Phil is laughable.  Especially since it is currently 78 degrees most afternoons around here.  What that also means is our yards/gardens are hella confused.  "is it spring???" I should blossom and grow, then BAM "cold" front and everything dies.

Well our yard is looking a bit rough.  The grass isn't really growing but those weeds that pop up before spring are growing like...well weeds.  Hubs has been insanely busy so I decided when I got home the other day to Woman up and cut the f**king yard.  I've done it before but now our lawnmower is almost TWELVE years old...its been through a flood, it is a b**ch to start, and no longer has self propel.  Basically it's the grumpy old man of lawn machines.

To top that off it has also been sitting without being used since early November.  In essence it has lawnmower arthritis.  So I get ready to go do this deed, old tennis shoes - check, ear buds - check, phone in armband - check, goggles - check....alright its go time!

I pull out Mr. Grumpy, top off the tank, and prime the line.  Then I try to start it...  I almost pulled my shoulder out of socket, WTF?!?! 

The pull cord is barely moving therefore no spin therefore no start.  So I try to wake it up by gently pushing and pulling.  As I am doing this I am talking...not loud but still speaking out loud. 

Come on...
You got this baby...
Come on....move dammit!
Do I need some lube or something...?!?

When I think its nice and "warmed up", I pull with all my might *clank clank* "Dammit mother f......*grumble grumble*" calm down child *whoosa*. 

So I try again...and again....and AGAIN.  At this point I am not quite yelling but speaking very sternly at the lawnmower...mostly nonsense but "Come on you geriatric piece of $hit" was said at least twice.

I've realized I do not have enough upper body strength to start this thing.  So I use my smarts...I think.  I am on concrete.  I run forward with the mower to get momentum then yank back on the cord as hard as I can.

*vrooom * *sputter sputter* "Son of a whore!"   But that is more than I got before so this method is CLEARLY working better.  Sooooo I keep doing this running start, pull...thing:

*vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* *clank clank* "listen here f**k-o"
*vrm* *thunk* "ahhhhhhh no no no no"
*vrooooooooooom* *sputter sputter* "yes...yes...." 

*clank clank* "Doh! Why wont you start for me?!?!?!

*Vroooooom* *rat tat tat* "Yea buddy!" *clank* "God Dammit you mother f**king rat b**ch....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"

Last time or I go inside.....
*Vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* before it can die I do it again rapid fire like 5 times...more out of frustration than logic.

It starts up "ahhhhahahhahhaa"  

*dancing around while holding the bar to keep it started* 

 "Oh yea that's right.  Whose my b**ch now? Yea!"

 *more crazy dancing*

About this time is when I realized not one but two of my neighbors are in their backyards on this gorgeous afternoon.  And one was in the yard with a 2 y/o...*crap*.  And while they cannot see me...I am 1000% certain they heard almost everything. 

Eh, f**k it...I started the lawn mower... 

Am I part spider? Why do I attract spiders?!? Do I speak spider?!? Like Parseltongue but for arachnids......

For real though, I seriously seem to attract arachnids.  They don't harm me...just scare the bejesus out of me on a fairly regular basis.  As I've stated in the past I have no fear of our little arachnid friends.  I rather like them since they eat other critters.  But that still doesn't mean I like them visible in my vicinity...especially when I am driving! 

Let me set the scene.  It was a gorgeous fall day.  Perfect to ride with the windows down.  I went run some errands.  Now mind you, since not long ago I walked out to see I had webbing all over my car, I usually check for stowaways.  I saw none.  So I went about my afternoon enjoying the wind blowing through my open windows with the radio up loud, playing "Can't stop the feeling" (this is important). 

I was going about 40MPH down a two lane country road possibly singing off key when I noticed something out the corner of my eye.  It looked like some foliage stuck in my side mirror coming loose.  That is about when I realized the foliage looked like a crab, WTF?!?  And then it came loose...WTAF?!?!

Me: "can't stop the....what the mother f**king, holy $hitballs!  OMG is that a f**king crustacean?!?!"  
Spider: *looks at me* 'sup?
Me: *screaming like a banshee* 

I mean it looked at me as best a multi-eyed arachnid can look at you.  I'm sure you are thinking it came loose and was thrown into my car because of the wind.  Oh no no no, apparently Mr. Spider just wanted to feel the breeze through his leg hairs.  That mother f**ker was parasailing from my freaking mirror.  You don't understand...there was no shoulder...there was no parking lot to turn into...just a ditch on either side, some trees and a random driveway here and there. As in, there was no stopping...

very bad artist rendering

 Yes yes I know, it looks like an engorged tick but you get the gist of my freak out...right?!?!?!?

So I get the window up and lose track of it.  I guess it flew off...or is still hiding in my mirror....who knows. 

Anyway, a few days later I am using the potty and "surprise"... a rather large wolf spider is dangling inches from my face. 

I am in a very vulnerable position here...NOT FUNNY!

In conclusion I attract spiders...am I spider woman?  Do I have a suppressed super power!?!?!   Just call me the Spider Whisperer.  It's like Ant-man but I don't have a suit. 

That's it, where is the "unlucky" rabbits foot...it needs to be salted and burned!

For real though, can we get a "reset the day button".  A do-over, like in video games.  $hit is going down fast lets try again. 

1.  My cable company *cough* Comcast *cough, cough* sucks real big donkey d**k.  I've tried and tried and tried and f**king tried to make it work with them and it just isn't (stupid contract keeping me in a bad relationship*grumble grumble*).  They will be fine for like 2 months and then I have to call and freak out because my service is $hit or because they billed me wrong or pick something, its probably happened!  Because of said $hitty service we bought our own cable modem for the interwebs and shockingly enough $hit suddenly works...you can't tell me they don't f**k with your stuff when they have access to it...I sound crazy but I don't think I am.  Anyways, I returned their CRAP modem and got a receipt.  This was in JULY!  It was removed for August, then in September it popped back up on my bill...hold up Mother F**ker what you trying to pull here?!?!?!?  I try to call and I can't get through.  The call immediately drops WTF.  I had FIVE OTHER PEOPLE try from their cell phones (all ATT) and they can't get through...I had someone from a Verizon phone call and it worked...hmmmmm. Also, landlines work....hmmmmm. Whatever, I call, I lose my $hit its credited back and I am told the phone issue is an ATT issue.  Okaaaaaaay.  They say its a Comcast issue (I'll get to that in the next).  I loud cap Comcast on Twitter and finally someone believes me because HIS phone which isn't in LA can't dial the 800# either...I think I heard angels sing. 

 

Anyways....October bill and November bills are fine and suddenly I get a letter "Ooooops we've been billing you wrong, you will see a $10 charge for your Wireless Gateway on the next bill".  What the actual f**k?!?!?!  I DON'T HAVE THAT ANYMORE!  So I try to call and the stupid f**king 800# wont work.  I don't have a landline so I loud cap them AGAIN on Twitter.  He was helpful but didn't believe me.  I sent a picture of the receipt and the letter.  He said "July?!?!?!" Yes f**king July!  Stop trying to bill me for stuff I don't have!!!!  It gets "fixed" after they call me.  And I am told again the phone thing is an ATT issue, call them.  Mother F**ker!!!!

2.  After the 1st insanity with Comcast in September, ATT does some research.  They can't see anywhere its blocked.  They reset my something to my phone.  They checked that I don't have 800#'s blocked (clearly, I don't because I can f**king call them).  They are very nice and concerned and trying to be helpful.  I get to a top tech dude and he is baffled.  They put in a service ticket.  They call me four days later and say its a Comcast issue and they will work with them to fix it.  K, thanks, bye.  After the most recent fiasco I call them AGAIN. I get another tech dude.  He basically does the same $hit and blames Comcast.  I finally had had enough and said "I don't care whose problem it is tell me HOW to fix it!" I told him it started after Baton Rouge and the surrounding areas flooded.  I know for a fact that a MAJOR ATT hub went under and we ALL had service issues for the next week.  So maybe check that and quit putting me off.  I think I stunned him with my "infinite" f**king intelligence.  Look dude I'm not a moron, I did my own investigation before I called.  He opened another ticket so they can see exactly what is happening and let me know.  Great....

3.  My 4 y/o f**king car decided that it wants to leak oil.  Why?!!?!? So I call two different dealerships that service my type of vehicle and ask questions.  Mind you I've already looked up recalls and known issues and *gasp* this is a known f**king issue with the y/m/m of my car *face palm*.  I leave detailed messages with the service admin for a tech or manager to call me but I leave out my knowledge of the issue, just say whats happening. 

• Dealership 1 calls me back.  Oh that sounds like a cracked oil pan (mind you I haven't hit anything and it just started when the temp dropped below 35). More than likely that is it and it will cost roughly $625 because of labor and parts.  So I said, I've been told its a faulty drain plug.  So they say well probably not but if its that, it is $354 because of labor & parts.  I said the part is like $50...you can't tell me it will take you 2.5 hours to replace a plug....? They said yes...okay I'll call y'all when I am ready.

• I get an email from Dealership 2.  "We have received your inquiry on the (y/m/m of my current car).  That is an excellent choice!   A sales team member will make every effort to contact you within one hour or less to answer any questions you made in your initial contact and see how we can help you. We realize you have a choice when shopping for a vehicle and we thank you for giving us a chance to earn your business."  
  WHAT THE F**CK?!?! My response may have been a tad @$$hole-ish.  "Yea, I know a (y/m/m of my current car) is great...I own one.  I bought it from y'all....I wanted a quote about a repair that I've been informed is a flaw in many (y/m/m of my current car)'s...it leaks oil." less than a minute later I get a call from a service tech.  I explain the issue.  He says (without me saying anything about the "known" issue)  "Oh, they probably left the old gasket on the drain plug.  Each new oil filter has a new gasket.  If they don't remove the old one the drain plug doesn't fit as snugly so it leaks." I ask about cost...he said "do you need an oil change? That's all it will cost."

So based off this info...one dealership wants to charge me $600+ dollars to fix something that isn't wrong when the other dealership will fix it for $69. 'Scuse me while I scream into a pillow.  

4.  I went purchase something at a store on my way home.  There were 4 people in front of me at checkout.  I got to the counter.  Got my stuff rung up and the f**king system crashes.  Not just reboots...CRASHES. The poor clerk was so distraught.  He tried everything.  I couldn't leave...I needed to make that purchase.  45 min later I am finally on my way home.  Wine and soft PJ's are calling my name.

5.  I got home and one of the pups had had explosive poopies all over the place.  It smelled like something died in my house.  I legit started crying...and laughing...but mostly crying.  F**k a glass of wine & PJs, someone give me a bottle of Scotch and a punching bag!  

Yay for it being my last day of work for the week.  I don't think I can handle much more stupidity...

I think I bruised my uterus

Is that even possible?  And no I am not talking about rough sex, get your mind out the gutter. 

So I am clumsy, that is evident...but I am also coordinated enough to dance pretty good, run without falling, and climb trees.  I think I am really two different people smashed into one body.  Wait...

Anyways, so yesterday was like any other day at the office.  We completed a huge project where we organized a ton of stuff for a large client.  No really, HUGE project...it took us over a week to complete.  Anyways, the stuff was in two decent sized boxes each weighing about 20-25 lbs which I was to deliver today.  So yesterday afternoon myself and another lady hauled the two boxes down the stairs and to my car.  We did it because the big burly men in our office were conveniently MIA. 

Moving on, I was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and black pumps...my friend was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and gray pumps (trust me this is important...mostly).  As we were headed to the stairs she stumbled into a wall but caught herself *whew*, so she took off her shoes (if there was EVER a f**king red flag waving this was it).  I did not remove my shoes and headed VERY CAREFULLY down the stairs.  I made it to the bottom without issue *woo hoo*.  What happened next can only be described  as...comical...painful but comical.  

- I opened the door by leaning on it and held it open for my friend
- She stepped out, I let the door close
- We both stepped forward towards the curb
- My right heel went in between two sections of concrete (I didn't realize this)
- My left foot was planted and I went to step with my right
- It didn't move...
- I pitched forward
- But there was no foot to put down

- My weight was on my left foot so I couldn't step forward to catch myself
- Add in an extra 20+ lbs...I didn't stand a chance "ha"
- The heel snapped
- I flew forward at an incredible speed
- The box hit the ground
- I hit the box full on with my torso
- The box EXPLODED under my weight and the momentum
- My hands eventually hit the concrete (ow)
- My face went INTO the box (Ow!)
- My legs went up and almost over my head (OW! guess I'm a little flexible)
- They slammed back down, driving both my knees into the concrete curb (have I mentioned OW!!!!)
- I rolled off the box onto my butt and started laughing hysterically wondering WTF just happened.

My friend was so shocked she couldn't talk.  It happened so fast!  Finally she said "Oh my god! Are you...are you okay?!?!" My response...

 

Truthfully I felt ZERO pain at that point (yay for adrenaline). 

**FLASH FORWARD 3 HOURS**

I am laying on my couch with a heating pad.  I took 2 Advil and am watching horror movies on Netflix.  My knees and wrists are mostly fine.  But now that the adrenaline is gone I can feel the strained muscle in my shoulder blade area, my jaw is tender (I think I clanked my teeth together), my abs feel like I went through 5 rounds with Ali, and I am 99% certain I have at least two slightly bruised ribs.

I can say without a doubt the box saved me.  Had I fallen without the box my wrists and knees would have bared the brunt of the fall, possibly resulting in broken bones and I may not have been able to stop my face from slamming into the concrete.  So I am fine...I lost my favorite pair of black pumps but I am still mostly intact. 

Side Note - I am supposed to run a half on Saturday...a Half...like 13.1 miles.  I got this...I think...ha....