That was my three, right??!!?

 I am so over things.  They always happen in 3's right.....right!?  

1. My dentist redid an old silver filling.  Nothing was wrong with it...it wasn't bothering me...but it was like 20+ years old. It went fine.  But ever since it's been STUPIDLY sensitive to cold.  Like that kind of shocking pain that makes your eyes go all psycho.  But doesn't hurt otherwise.  I asked because I thought something was horribly wrong!!!  I was told its normal....it happens...and it can take MONTHS to go away. And to try sensodyne. WTAF?!?!?!?!?  So now every time I drink or eat something cold I look like I have a tick.  

2. I had a premonition a little too late.  I was on a trip.  I was driving in a city I don't normally drive in.  As I was driving there were like 7 accidents on the freaking interstate.  Someone cut me off and I slowed down alot and turned off the podcast I had on.  I felt super uneasy and I said out loud "F**king crazy people, I need to really focus, I don't want to be another wreck on the road."   Literally not 5 minutes later traffic ahead of me stopped, I stopped...a car slammed into the back of me going VERY fast. So fast that my foot slipped off the brake and my arm pulled the wheel to the left.  The impact threw me about 10 feet forward into another vehicle.  This is a nightmare of an interstate, its like 7 lanes and NO ONE was slowing down to let us get off the f**king road.  I was terrified, shaking, calling 911, ya know usual accident $hit.  I was yelled at by a cop who was like "get off the road" and I was like (super nice) "I'd love to but no one will let me and I don't want to wreck again!!!"  Somehow...by some f**king miracle, I am ok.  I was sore for about a week but each day it got better.  I had a gnarly bruise on my thigh (WTF?!?!), a bruised knee (assuming from the dash), and a super tender Abdomen and chest (seatbelt).  I have no idea how the airbag didn't deploy but it didn't and I am SO GRATEFUL because I feel like that would have messed up my face so bad!

3. I got home from my trip sore and scared.  I was just so glad to be in my safe space.  That night I got up to get some water.  I didn't turn the big lights on because I have a nightlight in the living room.  Mind you I am still VERY sore but functional.  As I am walking in the dark, I step on a huge rubber dog toy.  I stepped on it just right so that my feet tangled together and I couldn't get my balance.  I threw my cup and landed HARD on the tile floor.  I was in such shock. I just didn't move because I wasn't sure what I hurt.  So I am curled up in the fetal position...on the floor....hair over my face...in the dark when the light flips on and I hear "uhhhhh are you ok.....?"  And I said "yep...I'm just gonna lay on the floor for a bit" and I heard..."okaaaaay..." and the light went off, hahaha.   I hit both my knees (yay more bruises!!!!), twisted my left ankle, landed on my right shoulder, and clanked the $hit out of my teeth.  Somehow I managed to not smack my face on the floor, so I've got that going for me.  

Plants are sentient...I for one welcome our new vegetation overlords...

So I love to garden, right?  Well we are trying to move so we are ramping up the look of our house.  This just means my normal spring gardening just got 10 times more difficult.  I always do a spring clean up but when you are going for pleasing aesthetics you go a little more over the top.

Step one prune back the monster bushes that have taken over the garden.

As I've stated in the past these things went through a flood and ever since have become enormous.  I trim them WAY back every year...multiple times and they grow right back to their mutant state.  My only conclusion is some nutrient in the water from FIVE YEARS AGO changed them somehow.  Its like Radioactive Miracle Gro or something.

Anyways, as I was hacking away at the shrubbery I realized something....it was fighting back!!!!

1.  I was slapped in the face on more than one occasion by "rogue" branches.  

2.  I kept getting caught on branches, that refused to let me go

3.  My shears and saw kept getting ripped from my hands by stubborn shrubbery

4.   I was attacked (or just scared $hitless) by wasps, bumble bees, ants, beetles, doodle bugs, skinks, lizards, baby snakes (non-venomous), spiders (non-venomous), BIRDS....shall I keep going?!?!?!

5.  A plant sneezed on me.  No really...as I was chopping away at one of the shrubs it erupted into a cloud of yellow pollen.  It was like the f**king thing went "ah choo *pahahaha*" in my face! 

 

Basically, I was covered in plant jizz! *ewwwwww*

6.  And this is the kicker.  I am VERY careful in the garden.  Anything with 3 leaves or red vines I steer clear of.  Yet 3 days after playing in my garden...I have a blistery red rash on one arm.  WTF?!?!?!!?  F**k you poison ivy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am a sneezy itchy mess and I have a fancy dress party in one day.  Just shoot me now *sobbing*.

I shall name it Houdini...then kill it! After screaming like I'm being murdered and having a mini freak out in the back yard....

Sooooooooooooooo I HATE one thing about living in the South.   While I don't like the heat, humidity, hurricanes, etc...those aren't what I am talking about.  I am talking about bugs.  Not all bugs...one in particular!

Right, so we all know which bug I am referring to.  If not see here and here and here. 

Moving on, Saturday night was just like many other Saturday nights.  I was being a bump on a log watching mind numbing TV.  As per my usual routine I let Speedy out to tee tee, hubs was asleep on the couch.  I opened the back door and *BAM* something jumped...ONTO MY FACE.  I squeaked a little but I realized it was frog.  Listen here buckaroo, you don't want to come in my house, you will get eaten.  So I maneuvered him off my face and into on of my potted plants.  Speedy and I were star gazing listening to the fiesta across the street (not super loud but I could hear the music).  After a bit we went back to the door. 

Now mind you I had no outside lights on (I was star gazing) so the only light is from the Moon and the little showing through the closed blinds.  I turned to open the door.

Cool, no frogs or lizards!  I turned back to Speedy with my hand on the knob and pushed.  (this all happened in SECONDS)

What...?

*Jumps back* WHAT?!? while my eyes zero in on NOT A F**KING FROG

Speedy pushes the door the rest of the way open to go in as I yell "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The f**ker is half dead thanks to my fumigation so it kind of just falls off the door...onto the dog.

He jumps
I scream for real
he realizes whatever is on him is not letting go AND mom is freaking out
He runs INSIDE 
F********k  *still freaking out* trying to get the dog out of the doorway
He shakes
It takes flight
I run back outside losing my god dammed mind
I am yelling "its inside, its inside"
Speedy is trying to find and kill whatever is distressing mom
Hubs is trying to figure out why I am losing my mind while still half asleep
Not wanting this thing to disappear IN my home I run in screaming ala William Wallace, shoe raised in hopes of Victory
Its f**king M.I.A.
*$hit $hit $hit*
Then I see old lady stalking my couch
She dives
It comes running out at top speed (well top speed being half dead)
Speedy goes for it
Old Lady goes for it
I go for it
Hubs yells "what the f**k is going on?!?!?!"
I beat the creature into oblivion with my shoe while the animals watch
As the haze clears I hear "I think its dead..."
I smoosh it one more time for good measure
Hubs goes to sweep it up
It flips over and attempts to run on like two legs with its guts hanging out
I start screaming again
Hubs is freaking a bit
The dog is barking
The cats are stalking
Our neighbors have now turned OFF the music and are listening to this fiasco, I assume
I throw my shoe at it and it stops moving
Hubs flings it out the door with the broom and we slam the door and lock it...because, ya know, bugs don't come through locked doors *rolling eyes* 

How the hell am I supposed to go to sleep after that?!?!!?  I couldn't.  Every time I shut my eyes, all I saw were those bugs flying at me.  I am getting chills now just thinking about it *shudder*. 

But seriously, I don't know where the thing came from.  One second it wasn't there and the next it was at eye level twitching its little antennas, taunting me!!!!  I didn't here it flutter past my head so I don't think it flew to the window... I just don't know...

It's November 20th, OMG!!!!

Why is this exciting?  It's not...unless you are me...or people like me....who like the things I like *big cheesy smile*

I don't know how I am going to function tomorrow.  I have to be at a race at 7:30AM, meaning I have to get up really flipping early.  Why is this a problem?  Weeeeeeeellll *tugging ear* you see there is this show (shut up) that I might have mentioned I have been REALLY wanting to watch.  And *fiddling with hair* itrealeasedonNetflixtoday.  Ahhhhhh, I'm so excited, I'm shaking like a chihuahua.

There is a high probability I will binge watch a ridiculous amount of episodes once I am released from my supplier of funds necessary to live (also necessary to afford an internet package and Netflix). 

Netflix CLEARLY knows my patterns...

*thud* sorry, might have fallen off the chair.  Those suckers just roll away if you aren't careful!

At first I thought "oh its cause its a new show" then I realized I don't get notifications for all the other "new shows"...just the ones that involve Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Superheros.  *ehhhh hehehehe*

So that's all...that's why I am a bouncing ball of energy.  Maybe I shouldn't have had that 3rd cup of coffee. 

Just call me twitchy

So I look a bit like a nutter right now.  My eye is twitching.  I am talking like legit muscle spasm happening.  Its my upper eyelid and it is the absolute strangest sensation.  I can see my eye lashes dancing in my peripheral.  What makes it worse is that because it feels weird my initial instinct is to squint that eye.

So now I have a squinty, twitchy eye and I really think I need to go home.  I feel like I look like Squidwort, except it is the other eye.

The only remedy is reduce stress, take a nap and have a glass of wine...not necessarily in that order.

I REALLY need to go to the store but I am concerned I would frighten children.  I mean that actually wouldn't bother me but I'd hate to be attacked by some overprotective soccer mom who thinks I am a cracked out perv winking at her kid.  

Seriously, I look rough.  I mean I am my worst critic but for reals...my eyes are bloodshot, dark circles, kinda pale and TWITCHY.  I think the twitchy really finishes the look.  Why can't this $hit happen around Halloween, the twitch would really add to any proper mental patient/serial killer ensemble.