Ghostwriting at its finest

So I volunteer for a rescue.  I can't handle fostering and I'd be $hit at cleaning feeding...because I'd want to take them all home.  So I do the behind the scenes stuff....like laundry. 

It's a rescue....FULL of animals.  Unfortunately no matter what they do, it's going to attract nefarious creatures.  

I am generally cautious when I pick up the laundry...checking for said nefarious creatures. I saw nothing.  I don't bring the laundry into my house.  I leave it just outside and bring it in, in batches to clean.  It takes a couple days but it's worth it. 

Well day 2 recently I moved a pillowcase and saw...something.  My guardian angel was watching out for me because if I would have touched it...I may have died on the spot.  I saw....antenna.  They were twitching. 

I.FREAKED.OUT...in my head.  

So what does any normal person do?  They kick the bag over, screaming this is SPARTA, and slam the garage door...OBVIOUSLY!

So I put on tennis shoes and go out the front door to kill my new "guest".  So there I am pulling items out of the bag...flinging them into my driveway....nothing.  

"WHERE IS IT??!?!!?"

**Several hours later**

I went out to bring something to the trash can.  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.  A bug who shall not be named runs out of the grass.  Its the size of a small bird.  I STG it made eye contact with me and took flight. 

Queue me screaming like a banshee and running for the door.  I lost a shoe along the way. 

Hubs got home later and looks for it...he can't find it.  As he is leaving to go back to work he calls my cell "it's out here...under my car.  I swear it made eye contact with me and came running AT ME!"

I go out with roach spray and spray a barrier around the cars. 

At some point I went out to ride my bike.  But before I do that I grab the last load to put in the wash.  That's when IT peeks out from under the bag. 

**SCREAMING**

It's like the size of my hand....what in creature of nightmares is happening.  

So all my neighbors heard was "Oh my god!  Go away!"  

"Seriously! I don't want to deal with you!"

"F**k now I have to kill you"

"$hit with what?!?!?"

It ran at me.....

"AHHHHHHHHHH"

I lost sight of it and never saw it again. 

So this is me typing from beyond the veil because my soul sure did leave my body.

2+1=4

So I pay fairly close attention to what I buy...frugal or whatever.  We got new phones.  As I am sure everyone knows phones no longer come with a brick.  

You get the cord but no brick.  So when we got home I ordered a 2 pack of bricks to fit the new USB-C cords.  

So we have the 2 cords that came with the phone and 2 new USB-C bricks I bought from Amazon (NOT branded Apple).  A few weeks later I got a new iPad.  

The iPad comes with a cord AND an Apple branded brick.  

Some time has passed and I am sitting at the kitchen table.  Hubs says "Oh this must be your iPad brick.  Its heavier and is branded apple".

I was confused.  I swore my iPad was plugged in...in the other room with its charger.  Maybe I grabbed the wrong one. 

The next day I am standing at the counter and pick up one of the two bricks to put it away and it's heavy and has apple on it so I put it down and pick up the other.  It's also heavy and apple branded. WTF. 

I put them next to each other and sure enough they are both heavy duty and Apple.  I KNOW I did not buy any additional apple bricks. Mainly because I am cheap and I can get like 4 off brand for the same price of one Apple. 

Thinking I lost my mind I went look at my order and sure enough I didn't order anything Apple branded.  

We found the two bricks I bought (Ocupwei).  So now we have 4. Two Apple, Two Non-Apple but I only bought the two non-apple and one Apple came with my iPad.  

HOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Are they like Gremlins, if you get it wet they multiply????? Where did the other Apple Brick come from!!??!?!?!?

Top two Amazon....bottom two Apple..... and yes they are all USB-C which we didn't have before

"Attack" on the porch at night

It’s been a rainy few days here.  Like literally monsooning constantly.  So instead of two pools days for the holiday weekend.  We had zero.  ZERO pool days.  That should be illegal.  

Well one of the two days we still went hang out with our peeps.  We had bbq….inside, had some adult beverages and tried to make the best of a crappy day. 

We headed home disappointed but still happy for the bonding time.  As we walked up to the door holding our unused bathing suits I realized leaving the porch light on was not the best idea. 

I knew we would be home after dark so I left it on but I didn't think about little flying annoyances (termites) which were swarming on our porch (GREAT).  

Hubs was like ok, I'ma open the door and we run in. 

So he starts swinging his arm above his head to clear them a bit before opening the door.  I was about a foot or two behind him hands full. 

When suddenly large-ish shadow came flying at me a slapped into my shoulder.  It was dark enough that I had ZERO idea what it was. 

My first thought was "F*******K a bug who shall not be named!" As I started to raise my hand to swat it off of me...it ran up my neck into my hair.

Cue me LITERALLY dropping everything and freaking the f**k out! Screaming "get it off, get it off, get it ooooofff!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in increasingly more high pitched notes.

My panic subsided enough to realize the legs weren't bug like...but soft and sticky.  So I paused my freakout. 

That's when a small reptile face peaked over my forehead and jumped to the garage door. It was a GECKO!!!! He was easily the length of my hand. Which I know I have small hands but that's still a BIG gecko!

As I stood there disheveled and frazzled hubs says"It's really not that big of a deal". 

I wasn't aware I could levitate

It's been a rough couple of weeks personally and professionally.  So I really have begun to cherish my rest.  I started taking these all natural sleep gummies (not those kinds of gummies) on nights when I am particularly stressed. 

Last week was exceptionally harrowing.  So come Wednesday I was pretty done and had some gummies. I was all snuggled up on my side and PASSED THE EFF OUT.  

Now I sleep in short sleeves or tank tops usually so lots of exposed skin.  I also sleep on my side with my bottom arm under the pillow and my top arm wedged under my neck and the blankets over my head. This is important...

I was frolicking my way through dreamland when my sleeping body had an itch.  As per normal human behavior I scratched it.  

This is where my soul left my body!!!!

The itch was in my armpit....when I unconsciously itched something moved.

This is when my brain woke up enough to be like

I instinctively grabbed whatever was crawling in my armpit and it squished.

I LEVITATED out of the bed and somehow floated into the bathroom without touching the floor (that's my story and I am sticking to it).

I turned on the light in a panic and there was a small dead...something between my fingers.  The ONLY thing my brain could think was "OMG OMG OMG its a tiny bug who shall not be named!!!!!!!"

Internal Screaming...that quickly became external whimpering.  Lights were turned on, hubs was confused, bed was torn apart looking for anything else hiding in my safe space!

I saw nothing else. 

I tried to go back to sleep....I really did but it just wasn't happening.  All night I kept thinking something was crawling on me.  

For hours the next day I was like "WHY WAS THAT IN MY BED".  Then around noon I saw a FB post about how bad the stupid swarming termites were the night before.

"Oh my God it was a f**king termite!"  It was small, brownish red and squishy!  It didn't register as a termite because it had already shed its wings.

"OH MY GOD I HAD A TERMITE IN MY ARMPIT!"  Wtf wtf wtf!

General consensus is it came in with the pups and then tried to snuggle me.

Birthday Buggin

Birthdays come and go.  Every year seeming to come faster and faster. 

I know its hard but I really try to just live.  Enjoy life.  Do what makes me happy.  

This year was no different.  The problem is my birthday is in Prime Spring.  Bugs and pollen in abundance.

On my special day we decided to have night caps....outside....in New Orleans.

1st off its already humid as hell

2nd...OAK TREES

3rd Swarming season

So while I am not hot flashing really...it's getting there so this chick that's always cold randomly gets...warm.  Especially if its hella humid outside. 

So as sweat was dripping down my crack something landed in my espresso martini. But before I sould investigate, WTF just just pegged me in the face?!? OMG its a june bug!!!!

Those effing things seemed to be drawn to my bright @$$ dress!!!  I swatted a few *ping* *ping* but they kept coming back!  One landed on my head and I thought my soul was going to leave my body.  

Then I remembered something floating in my drink.  Are those ....wings??!!  OMG its a termite!  That's when I noticed the sporadic fluttering above us near the lights.

Mid me fishing the termite out of my drink I see hubs out the corner of my eye swatting at something.  Before I could register what was happening something pegged me in the chest and went down my shirt.  Queue me panicking and realizing a spastic bug just landed between my tatas.  Before I could really react it flew out an pegged hubs in the forehead. 

At this point, after finishing my martini (yes I still drank it after fishing out the termite), we decided to bolt before something BIGGER than a june bug/termite came out of the trees. 

Pterodactyl Screech

Look I am not generally scared of things but sometimes nature has other plans and it makes my neighbors question my sanity.  

It's been a couple years since I've really gardened and I decided this year, it's happening!

I'm used to creatures.  I'm used to bugs.  I'm used to pollen. 

At a distance!

When I am pulling weeds for a while I tend to sit down instead of kneeling.  I also usually wear pants and long sleeves. This is important. 

As I was tirelessly clearing the garden I saw movement out the corner of my eye.  I looked down and froze in horror.  I had MULTIPLE garden beetles crawling on my arms and legs.  I tried swiping and shaking my arm but they wouldn't budge.  They were crawling higher. 

Queue panic!!! I started frantically trying to get them off, saying "No no no, get off get off get off!!!".  One made it to by bicep and I freaked out jumping up and shaking all my limbs saying "get off get off get off!!!!"

I finally started flicking at them, manically laughing, as they came free.  After I was certain all were off of me I heard "Hey dere girl, you good?"  

My neighbor and his nephew...SAW THE WHOLE THING.

One of these days one of my neighbors is going to film my antics. 

A life not lived

I know I have intense dreams but this one was different.  This one felt a little too real.  

I was in college and I met this guy.  It was a whirlwind romance and we ended up getting married after graduation.  He was my current husband but in reality we met much later in life. 

We went though all the things.  Laughter, love, hardships, etc.  After multiple miscarriages we finally had a baby. We lived in a two story house near my parents.  It was very bright, lots of windows and light colors.  We were happy. 

I remember all the 1sts of our baby boy.  His name was Adam.  His crawling, walking, talking, 1st day of school.  I remember ALL OF IT.  We went through the milestones but also the little things.  I remember scrapped knees and sleepless nights.  I remember pets from babies to death and explaining to him death.  I remember vacations to the beach, the mountains, EUROPE (I’ve never been to Europe…but I have a distinct visual of a museum). 

I remember my parents.  Most of all my mom….she wasn’t like she is in reality.  She didn’t listen to my grandparents and was actually happy with her life. We all grew older. He went away to college.  I experienced empty nesting.  We went on lots of vacations. He would visit during semester breaks.  

We grew older together.  He lived out of town.  One day he came home unexpectedly.  He was making microwave Mac and cheese just like he did when he was a teenager.  He told us me met a girl and he was going to ask her to marry him. 

I remember being so happy.  I remember crying.  I remember the wedding.  And then I woke up.  I woke up and wondered what Adam was doing. Then I got really confused and realized it was 6AM and I needed to get up for work soon. 

I spent the whole day in a daze wondering about this “dream”.

I lived a whole @$$ life in one night.  I didn’t type all the details but I can picture every piece of the kitchen.  I remember going into labor and being rushed to the hospital. The blue dress I wore to his wedding.  My graying hair that actually looked kinda of nice.  

The mind is a crazy thing.  How can it create such a vivid fake reality.  How can I feel like we had a kid who grew up and did wonderful things when we were never able to conceive?!?!  I don’t know what it feels like to birth a baby but I have a very vivid dream memory of the pain, fear, joy, exhaustion. 

I don’t know what to make of this but it’s weird as heck and I needed to write it down.