I gotta go back, back, back to school again

My subconscious is unhinged.  In this episode of WTF we go back to High School. 

My memory of this dream begins with me (at the age I am now) walking through the halls of my High School. It's familiar but not.  I've been back to the school recently and its very modern and updated.  But I feel really short.  Or like everything is bigger?  Not sure.  

So I am in my 40's back in high school...what is happening?  So I am walking with books in my arms trying to find my classes.  Seriously WTF is going on. 

The first class I went to was psychology (that checks out for me).  In my class I recognize a bunch of girls that I went to HS with, and guys I knew in HS, along with one girl I am still close with but she went to another HS.  She told me "if I'm doing HS again, I am doing it with y'all!".  Then there are a bunch of guys (weird, I went to an all girls school) and girls I don't recognize. The ones I didn't know all looked at me, like stared, as I walked in (WTF). 

The next class was upstairs but the stairs were HUGE and there was no railing so I was having an issue going up the stairs. When I get close to the top, the top two stairs flatten out into a ramp and I can't get up it.  The teacher (in robes) told a girl at the top to help me.  She is tugging my arm (not very helpful) and says "I can't she's too fat!"  again WTF.  

This class is in an auditorium (which my HS doesn't have).  It was astronomy.  And I sat in the back but the teacher kept calling on me and making me uncomfortable because the people in the class I didn't know were the ones watching me.  The people I knew were looking down taking notes.  

It skipped around a bit and I was at a tiki bar (?) with hubs and a bunch of peeps from school.  I was introducing him to my HS friends and we were playing pool...I think.  It was a weird game but looked like pool.  

We walked up to the bar to get a drink and I knew two of the guys at the bar.  But they weren't people from HS or any of the peeps from dream school I didn't know. I knew them from school in the dream but like also knew them knew them... it was weird.  So we are waiting for our drinks and the guy closest to me is teasing me about something and nudging me.  Hubs was like what is going on and I explain whatever the joke is and he was like "y'all are weird".  As we are all talking I keep thinking "I know him.  I know him.  Who is this".  But I couldn't see his face.  It was like a tickle in my brain.  

The other guy was talking to hubs over us about football or something.  And the one closest to me was like "I'm worried about you."  What, why?!?!?!  I was leaning on my elbows on the bar and I distinctly remember him putting his hand on my arm and saying "you need to be careful, please promise me you'll be careful".  And that's when I really focused on his hands.  He had smallish hands for a guy, a black.gray wedding ring, hairy arms, and tanish skin.  Why does this look familiar?!?!?!?!?  I don't usually remember people's f**king hands, who is this??!?!

Something happens behind us and I am knocked into hubs.  He puts his arms around me and when I look back to the guy next to me I see something, but its blurry, like I can't focus.  I see light eyes looking sad.  He grabs my hand and says "did you hear me, you need to be careful!  They are watching you." What?!?!  Who??!!?!? And then I recognize the voice. I know that voice.  I talk with that voice almost daily.  We work together.  We are friends.  Why can't I see you?!?!!?  

It jumps again and I am back in school.  It's like an art class or a lab...I can't tell, there are two people to a table.  I recognize some people but then there are those "Others".  I still don't know why we all had to go back to school but its not normal school.  Something is different.  

The teacher tells us to get into groups of four.  The girl at my table I have known since 1st grade.  She hops up and goes to our other friends we all went to grammar school with. I am odd man out but there is a table of "others" behind me that need another person.  Its two guys and a girl.  One guy was blonde, tall and muscular skinny.  The other was dark haired, and more broad muscular.  The girl had long wavy red hair and was VERY pretty.  Honestly all stupidly attractive. So I join them.  

They looked almost goth but not...also kinda grunge.  It's hard to explain. They were actually VERY accepting but were also some of the ones that just kinda stared at me in other classes.  We were doing some sort of group project and kinda became friends (?).  They'd told me things.  I don't remember the things but I know I knew secrets I shouldn't know. It jumped again and we were at someones house.  But it was older.  Like looked like a house from the late 80's, early 90's.  

This group project was some sort of magic (?) but the peeps in my group were very certain the teacher was up to something and it was dark magic.  It was bad and we needed to stop.  But if we didn't do the project we'd fail.  If we failed we would be put in a "camp" (seriously WTAF).  

The blonde was acting the weirdest of all.  Apparently we'd become very close. He had stormed off and the others were like, He'll only listen to you.  So I followed him into a dark room.  I couldn't see anything and he said from the darkness, you shouldn't be here.  What if I hurt you.  And I said "you wouldn't hurt me".  

He pinned me against a wall with unnatural speed.  He leaned into my personal space and almost growled "are you scared yet?".  And I said "I'm not scared of you".  He leaned in next to my left ear and said "you should be". And then sank his fangs into my neck. 

I woke up but not in a panic.  I still wasn't scared.  Because the feeling I felt when he bit me wasn't fear.  It was like I was helping a friend.

So that is my weird @$$ dream of the month.  It's a lot to unpack...not even gonna try right now.  

The butterfly? Uh-uh, that's old. Let me see the Mach 4 Tootsee Roll!

The other day I was having a bad day.  Work was being cumbersome.  Hubs was being germy all over the house.  And my battery in my vehicle died... again!

I'd been plotting my plans for a fun filled weekend just trying to get through this awful Thursday!  I heard little bit itching.  Now she has the WORST seasonal allergies so I got up to stop her from itching her face off.  

I was helping her by itching her cute little muzzle when when she suddenly sneeze/coughed.  

And shot out SOMETHING at my face at mach speed!!!

I dodged just in time for it to miss my face and hit my shoulder and land on my thigh!!!

It was a f**king piece of $hit!!!!

Slimy, still partially frozen... $HIT!!!!

I screamed, she ran, Speedy came to investigate.  

After cleaning the ICK, I had to change because it looked like Mr. Hanky attacked me.  

I kept grumbling "You are a disgusting creature!!!!!!" And she kept crawling to me on her belly with her head down. 

I had signed off and worked out and laid on the floor to stretch my back.

Lil bit laid on top of me pinning me down and tried to lick my face.

I was freaking out and tried to get away but it became a game and she is freakishly strong when she wants to be.  Then she got under my arm and LICKED ME ON THE LIPS!!!!

I went full Lucy.

And hubs didn't even try to help...he was laughing too hard!

Did you know that was in there?

So I had that ultrasound. 

The tech was so sweet.  She was like this is going to be awk but we'll see what's up.  Also this isn't like the movie ultra sound you are thinking of.  This isn't squirt gel on the belly and see what's inside.  This is stick a wand in your lady bits and try to relax. 

So it took over an hour (should have been 15 - 20 min) BECAUSE she was so fascinated by my weirdness and impressed with my pain tolerance that she took like 40 pics AND went get another Senior Tech to make sure she was properly seeing things. 

Dude bro....DUUUUUUDE BROOOO.  I have the most pissed off uterus right now!!!!!  The tech said "Oh. Hmmmm. What.  Well.. are you in pain" for the entire exam.  Then the other one said the same.  I was LITERALLY called the "Medical Mystery" of the day.  

Both were like "you know you also have 2 cysts on your right ovary?"  Nope wasn't aware.  "Are you in pain???????"  Honestly I think I am just immune to it now.  So all in all.... I have two Uterine Fibroids - one seems to be stemmed (whatever the f**k that means), a polyp, a possibly "necrotic" fibroid and a "pooling of blood that is just waiting to burst free".  The necrotic thing isn't as bad as it sounds.  It basically means there may have been another fibroid that was basically getting rid of itself.  But the other stuff.... just f**k me man. 

So I saw the Doc and he said I have to have a Procedure to remove the intruders and keep me from having another month long period again. 

It's called a Hysteroscopic Myomectomy and DNC. 

In layman's terms...they go in with a camera with a tool on the end and remove the fibroids/polyps, then scrape the tissue from the uterine walls (OH FUN!). 

I've had something similar about 8 years ago and it f**king sucked.  But this time nothing through the belly button just through the hoohah. But I'll still be down for a few days and no lifting or basically anything more than walking for 2-3 weeks.  

It has fur!

That's it. I am so done. Like BEYOND done.  

I had to venture to an office today for meetings.  I do not venture to this place often.  I do not want to venture to this place ever again....

I should have known when I walked in something was wrong.  It smelled stale.  Almost like the air was heavy.

I walked to my desk and started to prep for the day.  When I went to put the laptop down I noticed my wrist rest and mousepad were light green. Hmmm that's weird since they used to be black.  Mind you I'm still caffeinating so it takes my brain a second to process that they are not only green but also appear to have fur.  

OMG its mold!  WTF why is there MOLD only on my wrist thingy and mousepad.  Then I looked closer at my chair.  My chair is a khaki color so the green wasn't immediately noticeable. Upon closer inspection you could see the tiny circles of fur.  

That's when I realized there was also a thin layer on the wood. 

F**k this I am NOT staying in here.  I moved to another empty office.  Once settled I started my day.  

About 2 hours later I was bent over getting something out of my backpack when something on the carpet caught my eye. 

Once my eyes focused I realized it most definitely had legs and...wings (?). OMG its a tiny dead bug who shall not be named!!!!  Then I shifted and saw another, a little further away another. *WTHF WTF* F**K F**K.

I got up and walked around.  That's when I realized there were tiny dead ones ALL OVER THE PLACE!  

The carpet is that weird office carpet that shows basically no stains so they were camouflaged.  Then I saw some in the kitchen and on the stairs and just f**k me!  I know they are dead but COME ON!

I determine I am leaving after my meeting eff this, this is not a safe work environment! The other person there agreed. 

After my meeting I go to use the restroom and good thing I was already on the toilet otherwise I may have pissed myself!  I turned to get some TP and see movement behind me.  

When I look there is a f**king spider the size of my hand just chilling on the wall.  

Now I am not generally scared of spiders but....

I think nature is reclaiming this land.  

Welcome to the Cooch Show!

 Ever have one of those days where you go, "Damn...I should have stayed in bed..."?

I was having a really good day.  Worked in my garden, cleaned up a little around the house, did some painting (for fun, not like a wall).  Just a nice productive day.  

I took a shower and got ready to go run the streets and have a late lunch/early dinner.  I put on these adorable linen shorts and a black tank to head out.  As I was wandering around the house I noticed there was a hole in one of the pockets,  WTH, I've only worn these twice.  Whatever, I'll sew it up later. 

I put on some very light makeup, checked myself in the mirror and went to head out.  As we were heading out I made a comment to my hubs how nice these shorts were.  They were so light, it didn't feel like I had anything on.  He said they looked like they fit nice. 

Before we left my bladder woke up and was like YO GOTTA GO!  Normally I'd be like WTF but today I was soooo grateful for the delay.  

As I was finishing up I felt something tickling my ankle.  

On closer inspection, there was a hole in my pants. 

I started poking at it and realized, I could literally stick my entire hand through the hole. 

It was in the crotch area.  I pulled my shorts back-up to see why I didn't notice before and you couldn't see anything.

I walked towards the mirror.  That is when I saw flashes of my rainbow undies on display for anyone to see. 

I took them off to better examine them and the crotch was annihilated.  

It was legit hanging on by a single thread.  Cheaply made POS. 

So my $30 linen shorts that I wore twice are now in the trash but my old faithful $12 Old Navy shorts are still going strong.  

Lying in the middle of a dark street contemplating life

Happy Lent....is that a thing...?  I mean it's more of a somber time.  But whatever it's Lent.  Which if you are even remotely catholic it means you eat seafood on Ash Wednesday and every Friday until Easter.  

This past Friday we were super excited to get some boiled seafood.  We were ready for our first batch of Crawfish & Fixins!!!  Since it's just the two of us we ordered it instead of boiling it ourselves.  

Hubs was running late from work so I went to go pick it up.  We were about to get some bad weather so I was trying to beat the rain.  

As per usual I ordered from this little hole in the wall seafood place a few min from my house.  I was in a really good mood.  I had gotten a lot done for work, done some miles, eaten a fairly healthy lunch, cleaned some of the house, ya know just very productive.  

After getting my yummy dinner I headed back to my car.  Mind you it was a really dark street (two lights were out) and it was cloudy so no moon.  I was be-bopping along when it happened.  I stepped on what I thought was gravel.  It was not...it was a pothole about 4 inches deep.  What happened next was in extreme slow motion. 

I stepped and felt the gravel give away into a hole.  My right foot went down.  My forward momentum pushed me forward causing it to twist inward.  I tried to recover but I just couldn't quite get my other foot to come forward.  Instincts kicked in and my arms flew forward to catch myself.  This meant my hand holding my bag of food released said bag of food like a sling shot.  Which went flying about 8 feet into the street.  I flew forward hitting the asphalt on my two hands and left knee.  To release the twist on my ankle I flipped over onto my back.

This happened in literal seconds but it felt like an eternity of falling.  I just laid there in the dark wet street, staring at the clouds, contemplating life.  My brain rebooted and I realized lying in the middle of a dark street was probably extremely dangerous and decided to get up.  

I ungracefully rolled onto my stomach and tried to stand.  My ankle gave out and the ground was rushing back at me when I suddenly stopped.  I looked up through my disheveled hair and realized there was a car about 4-5 feet from me with the driver door open and said driver was currently keeping me from re-face planting into the ground.  

He got me mostly standing and seemed very concerned about me.  Aside from extreme embarrassment, bleeding palms and a gangster limp I was fine.  Don't ask me how but my food somehow survived the shot put throw.  But can I tell you how hard it is to drive a standard with a busted knee and ankle?!?!?

Also, can you imagine being that driver?  Just minding your business when some little blonde throws her food at you and just lays in the middle of the street.  He probably thought I had a medical emergency or something...

Mind you I had to stop at the store after this.  I tried to hide my bloody palms & limp, but the cashier noticed and was like WTF....?

I had to SCRUB my hands to get the debris out.  I wanted to cry but I also wanted it out of my skin!  In less that a week I had blood dripping down my face and then my palms.  I am a hot mess!

Bloody Hell!

But like for real.

So we are FINALLY Mardi Gras-ing again.

*woot woot*

Here's a short story.  We went to Thoth/Bacchus Sunday.

*partaaaaartay*

We had sooooooo much fun!

There was drinking (we had a DD) and eating and just being NOLA again.  It was great!

By the time Bacchus rolls by we've been drinking since like 8AM.  Its spaced out.  Meaning we are giddy but not sloppy. 

I am on my step ladder (because I am hella short) trying to catch a blinky ball for my neurotic dog who goes ape $hit for them.

Mind you we haven't done this in a hot second so I am a little out of practice with dodging things thrown at my face.  Plus drinking...AND ITS DARK!

So hubs is standing behind me making sure I dont get knocked off when it happens.  I am looking at the float, I have my hands up, but something squeaks past and *BAM*

Hits me right on the bridge of my nose.  It was caught on my thumb but part of it slapped me in the face.  I bent over in pain and said "F**king Ow!"

Hubs jokingly says "you're not supposed to catch it with your face" he's all hahaha until I move my hand and there is blood running down the side of my nose. 

I walk over to the only sober person and said "I need a medic!"  I look like I am crying blood. She is like aw hell.  She got me all cleaned up and and gave me another beer...thankfully it stopped bleeding but it f**king HURT!

DAYS later it still hurt.  I have a knot on my nose, a tiny cut, and a partial black eye (more yellow than black).   At least I had fun doing it ha ha ha

Did...did you hear that...?

So in my effort to move back into my GD house I have been on a cleaning spree.  Just the immense amount of dust is...it's just overwhelming. 

Anyway, I rented one of those small upholstery cleaners to deep clean the furniture. 

I was alone minding my business DEEP cleaning the sofa when I heard a noise.

I looked around but didn't see anything.  A little while later I heard it again.

I turned off the machine and waited to see if I heard it again.

I went to continue cleaning but decided to close the backdoor.  I had it open but with the screen closed.  

Then I heard it again.

I tiptoed in silence around the house but found NOTHING.  It was time to empty the dirty water bin.  As I was bent over unhooking it I heard a scuffle.

Again nothing around me and no other noises in the house.  I was lifting the bin out of the machine when I came face to face with EYES on my entertainment center.

I tried to back pedal away from the intruder but the floor was wet from over spray.  

I landed hard on my back and threw the container into the air dumping BLACK furry water all over me and the floor.

As I tried to focus on the blurry ceiling and take inventory of any injuries, I temporarily forgot I saw eyes.  Before I could register I needed to run, a furry face came into view. 

Are you trying to kill me...also... how did you get in here?!?!?!  She's a neighborhood cat.  She stood over me watching, headbutted me, and meowed.

I carefully put her back outside.  Apparently my screen door has a small hole...where it's torn away from the corner.  You can't see it but she must have pushed on it and realized she could fit. 

So yea, I had a minor heart attack, almost broke my back, and probably have a concussion...oh and had to clean the floor, but my sofa is clean and I know the little stray is still alive.  

So like do I need to do a blood sacrifice or can I just light a candle?

I don't drive as much as I used to but holy crap other drivers are just as bad or possibly even worse!

The other night I was driving back to my temporary home very late.  It was dark and a little misty/humid but mostly a clear night. As I was approaching my exit I noticed a car weaving in and out of lanes a decent ways behind me.  I remember thinking, "what a moron!" as I pulled over into the exit lane.  The exit was backed up a bit so I was completely stopped.  I heard squealing tires and glanced up just in time to see a dark mass flying towards me.  It took a split second for my brain to process that the dark mass was in fact a car skidding sideways down the interstate and it was going to hit me.  All I could think was "oh $hit, this is gonna hurt".  I managed to kickstart my brain enough to cut the wheel towards the shoulder and gun it.  It all happened so quick but somehow the skidding car managed to regain control and missed me by mear millimeters.  She slowly went past me at about 5 mph and looked terrified.  I on the other had was wondering where the screaming was coming from and who $hit my pants. 

After I had a few sips of Whiskey and managed to finally get my heart rate below 150 bpm I began thinking.  She missed me by a HAIR!  Had I not managed to move the car ever so slightly to the shoulder I would have been CREAMED by a car flying sideways at about 70 MPH and I was at a complete stop.   

Exactly three days later in a steady rain I went to buy a last minute gift at lunch.  We are having our normal southern winter where it's either humid and 90 degrees or raining and 40 degrees.  It's super fun.  At least it's not snow/ice!  As I was driving in the RAIN, going the speed limit, I noticed some @$$hole tailing me.  I couldn't go anywhere but they insisted on just riding my @$$.  I couldn't see their headlights but could plainly see a giant Trump Flag & American flag flying above the roof.  Unfortunately they were also turning so they were tailing me into the shopping center.  When it opened to two lanes they gunned it passed me.  

They immediately lost control of their jeep, swerving into my lane. We were going maybe 30mph....I managed to slow down as I watched this jeep barely miss my front bumper, over-correct, and completely spin out.  

They ended up doing multiple doughnuts in the road and flying off into the grass.  Mind you there were other cars, signs, & posts everywhere, yet somehow this @$$hat managed to not hit anything.  The wheels rutted into the grass, yet again the lucky bastard didn't flip.  They were stuck but thankfully didn't hurt themselves or anyone else.  

In a few days I was almost clobbered twice by a reckless driver.  I feel like I should just stay home.  

Some things never change

So I am not unfamiliar with the "friendzone".  I have unfortunately dealt with more than my share of offended masculinity.  

With that said, I have been "friendzoned" by guys if that's what you want to call it but I wasn't....it was different.  Did it suck if I had a crush and they didn't reciprocate? Yes a little but I was also aware...weird...whatever enough to not get mad about it.  99% of the time I ended up insanely good friends with these people and their sig others.  

But when guys I knew were "friendzoned" they got offended.  I can't tell you how many "friends" I thought I had that were 100% only trying to f**king win me or even better...sleep with me.  Gross....can we think with the brain and not the pee pee for one sec.  Also I am aware that there are some girls who are the same.  They play the long game to "get the guy".  Seriously we need to evolve a bit more...  

Either way you slice it saying you were "friendzoned" is such a dick thing to say.  Being a jack@$$ to someone who doesn't share the same feelings for you is so primitive.  It sucks but come on.  You can't tell me the proper response to "I see you as a friend" is to call someone a whore or an @$$hole.  NO!  

Being a friend is not necessarily a bad thing.  Being a friend is sometimes one of the best things to happen.  I know the friend thing doesn't always work or isn't easy when unreciprocated feelings are involved but sometimes those end up being the best friendships once you get past those pesky emotions.  Because being a friend doesn't mean there aren't any feelings, it doesn't mean someone doesn't love or care for you, they just don't share that special attraction.  

Where did this come from?  

While out walking today, I overheard the below:

Guy 1: dude…come on…

Guy 2: what…? She sucks, okay!

Guy 1: man…that’s called the friend zone!!!

Guy 2: Wait, what? okay…and…?

Guy 1:  and..? And!? And it’s a BAD THING! That’s like a funeral for your d**k! 

Girl: ummmm y’all are both @$$holes and it’s clear why your in “that” zone 

I mean good on the girl for calling them out but how crappy that a young 20 something had to call out two other ADULTS for being buttheads.  

Massacre at mile 11

I have always been worried about the horror stories you hear about running.  You are putting your body through quite a lot so you never know when that b**ch might rebel. 

I've had minor issues before, but for the most part it's been things I can deal with.  

My last half was brutal.  Since there's still COVID around I 100% thought it would be canceled or postponed.  Which means in my brain I wasn't nearly as motivated to train.  I trained up to 10 miles but I reached that 6 weeks prior to the race and then did jack $hit.  

I knew it would be difficult.  I mean I knew I could finish it but I would not be feeling great by the end...  

But I pushed myself because I was cold and stubborn.  I was doing great but I hit a bit of a wall at mile 8.75-ish.  Like my legs felt like lead. 

I walked for a while hoping it would pass but every time I ran, LEAD LEGS.  

I drank water & powerade, ate some gummies and Gu.  Nothing was helping.  Then as I was coming around a bend there was beer.  I don't like to take drinks from strangers, especially during a pandemic but I was desperate.    

It worked.  I mean I wasn't running like the flash but I wasn't dragging @$$ as much.  I know there is some science-y explanation but I am just going with beer good.  

I thought I got this!  I looked at my watch and thought, "OMG, if I keep this pace I could match last year's time" which would be impressive without much training.  

WHY DID I EVEN THINK THAT?!?!

The Universe

As I was pushing through mile 11 it happened.  

THIS IS 100% TMI...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I was past the last water station...no more potties until the finish line.  I have never in my LIFE been more thankful for black pants.  I couldn't stop....so I ran as best as I could.  I needed to finish.  I needed to be done.  I needed a SHOWER!

I know what you are probably thinking happened BUT it wasn't that....it was more girly....If you haven't figured it out I was suddenly bleeding...A LOT.

I was that commercial.  They 100% could put me running a half marathon with the caption of "where will you be when the gush happens".   I was hurting, tired, and feeling sooooooo gross.  But I finished. By God I FINISHED!

Have I mentioned I really hate being a girl sometimes.