I think I need a detox

I know many say that when they want to lose water weight which yes that would be nice.  But in this instance I think I forgot my age and am paying for it....immensely.  

Friday - Sake

Saturday - Sangria & Wine

Sunday - Craft Beer + Red Wine

Monday - soooo much craft beer 

I don't know when I decided I was 21 again but it was the wrong decision and am swearing off Alcohol for at least a couple weeks.  

I don't generally drink a lot.  I'll have a few glasses of wine on the weekends but mostly nothing on a school night.  But this past weekend, I thought I was back at LSU. 

So it wasn't like an intentional binge.  Like the intention wasn't to get drunk.  It was just a busy bunch of social events.  Those events where you are having fun and not paying attention to how much you have consumed.  Until you have to wake up SUPER early to bring someone to a procedure and want to vomit in the parking garage. 

Plus I am at that point in my life where a hangover lasts way more than 24 hours.  I have been DYING all f**king day.  I smelled a hamburger and thought I was gonna revisit my late night steak dinner. 

I remember everything.  I didn't drive.  Pics are super cute. No bad decisions really (except killing my liver). I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since 6PM yesterday, well water and Dr. Pepper (why do I crave that when I am dying).  That is almost 30 hours at this point.  And I still feel like my insides are vibrating.  

Getting "old" SUCKS!!! 

I swear I didn't plan on getting sloppy

Ha...hahaha! Okay so not sloppy but definitely not good.  I don't drink terribly much and when I do it's just a couple.  But the other night...dear god what was I thinking??!?!!?

We went to dinner where I had 3 Old Fashioneds. THREE! I am buzzed from one usually so what possessed me to have 3 is beyond me...

But I did and I was fine. I know this because I had on 5" heels and managed to not fall on my face walking to the car on NOLA Potholed streets.  This is not easy sober so I am going out on a limb and saying the 8 course small plate meal was enough to mostly counter the effects of the 3 glasses of almost straight bourbon!

Then we went to a friend's house for after dinner board games and MORE Drinking.  WTF woman you are not 21 anymore!!! You cannot drink like that and be functional the next day.  Over there I had 3 glasses of wine.  THREE!  Along with chips, peanuts, and other random snackies.  Because the 8 course meal wasn't enough.

I remember saying it was time to head out. I don't remember leaving.  I don't remember the ride home.  I don't remember putting up my coat.  I don't remember feeding the dogs.  I don't remember laying down on the couch.  I don't remember ANYTHING after saying we should head home until 6AM when I woke up on the couch in my dress with makeup still on, a knotted mass of hair, and a cat on my chest.  

I waited for the pang of a headache, the nausea, the hangover...but nothing happened.  So I stripped down, put on a t-shirt and went to bed.  I woke up at 8:30AM and still no "hangover".  How is this possible?!?!?! I've had hangovers after drinking way less.  

The hubs was also past the 6 drink mark but he remembers everything, including me having a full conversation and passing out mid-sentence.  

He didn't have a hangover either.

Around 10:30AM I had a ridiculous craving for a burger, so we got lunch.  AFTER I ate the tell tale signs of nausea and just uncomfortableness kicked in but nothing bad and still no headache.   My only conclusion is I drank a ton of water at dinner, at my friends, and when I woke up at 6AM somehow saving me from a wicked hangover.  

I didn't feel great but at least I wasn't hurting for days like some people my age complain about after a night of binge drinking.  It was a lazy day after but the animals weren't complaining because we cuddled on the couches all day.  

I fail at flirting

So, I played third wheel the other night with my bestie and her beau.  I wasn't driving so I partook in some libations.  Maybe more than some.  Okay maybe more than my little body should.  Alright, I got little pieyied (sp?). 

I had three 20 oz Oktoberfest beers...THREE!  That is 60 ounces of beer... I am not that big.  Anyways, when getting my last beer the following occurred between me and the guy serving me.

Guy: You should come back
Me: I am next weekend
Guy: No sooner
Me: 

Guy: *laughing* Like, before we close 

Me: 

Guy: How about 20 min, here?

Me:

No, Married

Guy: 

What's your name?

Me: 

Married

Guy: Well this is on the house, "Married". Be here in 20 min and we'll pretend you're not.

Me: 

Guy: *yelling* 20 minutes baby girl!

OMG Really?!?!!?

And no I did NOT return. 

It seriously took me way too long to realize he was hitting on me!  I mean I'm, uh, flattered but take the 'No' for an answer dude.  My rings were plain as day...just...thanks but stop.

Apparently, I love scotch......

Or I've just really had that much of a f**ked up week and I gave up wine and beer for Lent...You thought I was kidding!!!!!!!!!! (see end of this post)

Yaaaaassss!

I may or may not be feeling REEEEAAAALLLLYYY good right now.

Yay for FREEEEEEE Scotch tasting!!! 10 different kinds of Scotch to try!

I may or may not have realized I actually enjoy the $hit out of Scotch...who knew!?!

I can't...yes I can...no...maybe I need food....yASSSSSS food!  I have the SCOTCH giggles....

Okay okay, I'm good...I made FRIENDS!  Like old people friends...do only old people drink Scotch. My dad drinks Scotch...but I like it...I'M NOT OLD...well not that old...shhhhhh

I have posted four David gifs...I should stop now...but he's Scottish...and I'm drinking Scotch...or was drinking Scotch...stop judging me.

Hmmmm maybe I need sustenance...

Oh I'm gonna to feel this tomorrow...

But what if he is a Time Traveler?!?!?!

LINK

I...ok.  I mean lets think about this.  What IF we are invaded and he was right and all he wanted to do was make sure we fought back.  The future of humanity could be in jeopardy!!!!

"The man told police he was only able to time travel because aliens filled his body with alcohol." or maybe he was out of his mind intoxicated...maybe.  I mean why would they give him the ability to come back to warn us...that is highly unlikely.  

"He noted that he was supposed to be transported to the year 2018, not this year." Crap...hmmm who else ends up in the wrong year(s)...I need a picture...is he wearing a velvet frock coat and a cravat...?  Maybe a leather jacket...does he look like a magician?!?! Is he rambling about a blue box...?

Dude we are gonna feel hella bad if we locked up the savior of Earth.

I'll just leave this...here

Or alcohol....

Or ya know...don't lock them up....because they SEEM "crazy"

And just because I almost spit my coffee out...

If you can't detect my sarcasm we can't be friends...

STOP DRINKING & DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was all ready to make a funny/fun/silly Mardi Gras post but that will have to wait....

For f**ks sake people there are other options.  I know a lot of people have done it...I know its stupid.  I know sometimes people don't realize how impaired they are until after they are driving.  I know sometimes friends aren't there to stop you!  I know $hit happens! I know! 

But there are so many more options these days than EVER.  You've always been able to call a friend.  Back in the day if you had cash, call a cab.  Or f**king walk!  But now there is Uber & Lyft and Cabs take CCs.  Or stay where you are and sleep it off.  Meaning you have NO EXCUSE! 

Not only do you endanger yourself, but you run the risk of KILLING SOMEONE ELSE in the process.  Mardi Gras is a time of partying.  This has been the case for YEARS.  But in the past TWO days I've gotten news alerts about FIVE accidents caused by an "impaired" driver and not all were in NOLA.  Not to mention my friend's son was involved in a hit and run with a DRUNK DRIVER just before the parade insanity started.  That Mo-fo t-boned him, backed up, and f**king took off!  I'm not even sure how his truck was still drive-able but whatever.  The son was okay (Thank GOD!) but pretty beat up and bleeding everywhere. 

I was down the street from the Endymion fiasco.  If you don't know some f**k nugget who was HEAVILY intoxicated drove his truck into the parade crowd injuring more than 30 people and sending 21 to the hospital.  Thankfully no one died but some are hurt and hurt bad.  Not sure how only one child was struck...that area is FULL of families...honestly that is a miracle and he only had minor injuries.  This guy is 25...he has messed up his entire life.  There is no scenario where he doesn't have a serious mark on his record and probably prison.  He is claiming he "accepted a drink" from a stranger on the street and doesn't remember anything else.  Sorry buddy that isn't really an excuse.  One don't take drinks from strangers and two DON'T DRIVE!  Now if his blood screen comes back with a roofie in it, okay I'll give you a little sympathy BUT your blood alcohol 2 hours after the accident was still three times the legal limit.....sooooooooo something doesn't add up.  I've been drugged before (unfortunately)...I didn't keep drinking...I think I had half a drink total and couldn't function anymore ...and I know others (unfortunately) that said the same thing...they didn't drink anything else after they were drugged...so this makes no sense to me but I am not an expert so who knows.  

In another incident a CHILD was killed on I10 because of an impaired driver and in another a woman in the vehicle with an impaired driver died after the vehicle flipped.  

Don't be scared to stand up to an intoxicated person who is trying to leave.  Take their keys and walk away.  If they somehow get in the car, DO NOT GET IN.  I've done it.  I've taken keys.  I've refused to get in a car.  Its hard! Your friend/family gets mad...sometimes very mean but its the right decision.  If something happens and you don't at least try you will feel guilty.  It isn't your fault but you will feel like you should have done something more.  It sucks... It is much easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.   And the next day you usually get an apology and a thank you...usually...some people are @$$holes...you don't need them...trust me but you still did the right thing.

It isn't worth it!  Please...please I beg you stop this.  And its all ages doing it..not just "young people".  I think one of the incidents was a 50+ y/o, so you can't blame just one generation.  No one wants to get a call/knock at the door saying their child/spouse/parent/sibling/friend/whatever was injured or killed in a crash.......accidents happen without impairment but these types...these are preventable.

Rant over, NOLA Gurl out....now lets go enjoy the rest of Mardi Gras, hopefully with no more craziness!

Alcohol is bad, mmmkay

Okay not bad.  I am partaking in wine as I type this.  Over indulging in alcohol is bad...weeeeeeeeell, I say bad.  Its more annoying to those who are not as inebriated.  Look most of us have had that drunken moment(s) where we annoyed others.  So I get it.  I am very tolerant, especially if it is someone I care about. 

Fooosball is about to start, so we have this preseason stuff gong on, right?  Right.  It is very normal to partake in beer consumption before, during, and after games.  I had one BEFORE the game.  Hubs had...more.  Chaos (hilarity) ensued.  First, I didn't realize  how bad off he was till we went to leave and he forgot to put his headlights on...and then giggled.  OUT!  Now!  Put car back in park and exit. 

I'll just list the rest below (my side of the conversation bc its funnier that way):

- Stop touching me.  OMG, leave my zipper alone!  I STG boy I will pull this vehicle over.  NO, not to hump like bunnies in the back! 
- Pick a f**king station.  No...no...I did not mean find Barry White on my phone...*sigh* turn off "lets get it on"!
-  You want taco hell?  You?!?!  Mr. "I hate fast food" wants a Mexican Pizza...?  Okay.....
- Seriously, there are 15 cars in line at Taco Hell at 11PM?!?!  Stay here.  No STAY!  Did you just bark at me?!?!  Ewwwww you licked me!  Just stay, I'm going inside to get food. 
- *5 min later* he's doing the pee pee dance in the car.  OMG, just go...go pee...QUICKLY!
- Help me feed the pups...what are you doing?  Where are your pants????  Ya know what sit here...eat food...I'll do everything else.
- Where is my other taco? You ate it?!?  I hate you right now....
- *he passed out on the couch* Hey, hey!  I'm going shower.  Hey!!!! *shake shake shake* fine...Pups, behave!
- Sweetie, I'm going to bed.  *GRUNT* Okaaaaay...do you want me to take the pups out? *grunt*  right....  I took the dogs out just to be safe
- *20 min later* WTF was that crash?!?!? *runs out of bedroom*.  How...how are you still asleep?!?!!?  Why are all y'all hiding?!?!  WTF did you find?!?!  Hey...come to bed!  Don't yell at me.  FINE! 
- *15 min later* OMG they broke the TV!!!  What are you chasin?!?!!  How did a f**king dragonfly get in?!?!  How are you sleeping through this!?!?  WAKE UP, I need help!!!  You should come to bed so the animals stop freaking out.  Hey....sweetie come to bed.  Holy $hit you almost punched me.  *shaking him roughly* Do you just tell me to f**k off?!?!  FINE, I'm out.

I made the SADDEST attempt to catch the dragonfly and lost it....whatever I went back to bed.

- *some time later* why are they barking?!?!  What was that noise??!  Where did you get a shoe?!?  Give me that!  No no no, don't pee inside...dammit!  For f**ks sake WAKE UP!  Y'all stop playing!!!! Are you even alive?!  ARGH!!!!!

- *20 min later* OMG why are they screaming now!?!?!  Dogs shoooooosh! *walks into living room* Come here baby (our puppy is only 8 weeks old) That's it get up!  *slapped his butt* Are you shaking your @$$ at me?!?!?!  OMG...OMG that is rancid *gag* Jesus Christ now I know why its called Taco Hell!  You can stay, we are going to bed.

I finally went to sleep around 1:15AM, he woke me up at 3:30AM coming to bed, bad weather woke me up at 4:15AM, and I had to get up at 5AM.  Needless to say I was dragging @$$. 

SIDE NOTE - I sent passive aggressive texts to my love to document my adventures.  They were actually quite funny...see below.  Also I should note, I couldn't just put the puppy away in her kennel bc she knew he was on the couch and would scream and if she screamed speedy howled...and I was flipping tired.

TEXT 1:
There's a dragon fly in the living room.  I only know this because I heard a loud crash after I went to bed.  (This apparently had no affect on your dream state).  All 4 animals were making an attempt to kill it.  I tried to wake you for assistance, not once, not twice, not even three times....we'll go with four.  I lost the stupid thing while trying to catch it.  It's been more than 15 min and I can't find it.  I tried again to wake you and got nothing.  I'm tired too so again I will tell you im going to bed.  So if they break the tv or anything else trying to get that thing don't blame me. 



TEXT 2:
So I just got back from another awakening.  Im not sure how I hear it from the bedroom with the door closed and ear plugs in and you haven't moved.  I can only assume they caught or tried to catch the dragon fly again.  I also attempts to get you to come to bed.  I was rewarded with some unkind words and a grunt.  Am I angry? Yes but only because I'm exhausted and trying to sleep and keep getting awakened by insanity in the living room with zero assistance.  Good Night...or morning...or whatever time it is when you  wake up and see this.




TEXT 3: 
Captains log:  The pups were crying at the gate.  I took Speedy, put her to bed, and left you in the living room to sleep it off.   I've made my final attempt to move you with no luck.  You shook your butt at me and then farted.  Either you are beyond exhausted or had more beer than I realized.  Either way, I'm going to try and get 4 hours of sleep.

SIDE SIDE NOTE - We found the Dragonfly's remains the next morning...guess a cat caught it. 

99% of the time, flashers aren't local. The locals are usually judging the flashers. Its a f**king plastic bead, put your tits away!

*****Begin Transmission*****

I am not talking about Bourbon St.  Truthfully, I don't care what happens on Bourbon.  There aren't CHILDREN on Bourbon.  Well, there shouldn't be children on Bourbon.  It really isn't a place for youngins....at least at night and ESPECIALLY during Mardi Gras Season.  

I was at a f**king parade.  Yes, it was a parade just outside of the Quarter but its still a family parade.  Its a nerd parade.  Some of the costumes are sexy but nothing raunchy or questionable or something that you would be like "OMG little Johnny shouldn't see that!".  I mean other than the obvious Aliens trying to hide among the masses, its a fairly normal parade. 

I am not a fuddy duddy.  When I go to parades, I don't expect a royal treatment.  I know its going to be crowded.  I know I'm going to get shoved and stepped on.  I know there will be drunk idiots.  But there is a point when my calm  understanding of parade people stops being accepting and starts moving me more towards throwing elbows.

So we got there early and had a spot right on the barricade. Which for me is AWESOME because I am a little on the short side so me being front and center is wonderful.  I'd had some beers myself so I was making friends with EVERYONE...such a social butterfly at times *hehehe*.  I met people from San Diego, Houston, India, San Jose and Miami.  There were a few kids in the vicinity and I went into my usual NOLA tour guide mode.  Meaning I love that people visit my city so I want to make them feel welcome.  It was great.  We were enjoying this crazy goofy parade and chit chatting and just having a grand old time...until about 1/2 way through the parade.  That is the point where chaos entered in the form of a VERY drunk girl and two of her friends.  I don't mind drunk.  I really don't.  But stupid drunk that ends up with me injured...that my friends I CANNOT STAND!

As I've mentioned I am little and I tend to get lost in the crowd, which is why my husband usually tries to stand behind me to kind of keep me safe (daaaaaw).  Well Mrs. Drunky McDrunkerson decided that the best way for her to see the parade was on top of me.  Like literally ON TOP OF ME.  I was smooshed against the f**king barricade.  She was leaning over me.  Like all her weight on little ol' me.  I could feel her f**king nipples through her bra and two shirts and my two shirts.  Get off b**ch!!!!!  I would lean back a bit and she would move.  Then almost jump over my head to get to the parade peeps.  One of her jump forward moments ended with her losing her balance, slipping of the curb and latching on to me for stability.  She was at least twice my size.  I went forward into the barricade.  My skinny little chicken leg went between the bars and my forearms slammed into the top of it.  It f**king HURT!

My husband did what any husband would do, grabbed her and threw her off of me.  No fight ensued and she did apologize.  Yea yea yea whatever, stupid c**t...

Somehow she wormed her way next to me...between me and this adorable FAMILY from out of town.  Crazy drunk girl took the girls out.  She wasn't unattractive but really?!!?!?  So there they are eye level with me and just above a little girls head.  It was their daughters b-day.  Happy b-day little bit, have some tits in your face.  Are you for real?!?!!?  There are CHILDREN right next to you, put those away!!! 

But alas, she did not....she did cover them by pulling her bra cups back up...so no more nips.  And look I am not ashamed of the tatas but using them like that just cheapens them.  Sorry, not sorry.  

Then...oh yes, it gets better.  Then she looks at me and says "why aren't yours out?!!?" *shocked* "Ummmm, no I don't think I'll be doing that".  She says, "why not, you get more beads that way!!!" *WTF*  "Yea, no one wants to see my tiny tatas".  I was trying to be tactful but still let her know PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY!  Instead her friend, who I will admit was quite attractive, turned to me and said "I wouldn't mind seeing them".  Oh....Oh my *blushing*...did I just get hit on by a very attractive girl?!?! *hehehehe* 

Still no, these puppies are staying under wraps.  After that it got a little better.  Her two friends were keeping her tamed but the boobies still stayed on display.  What kills me is the parade peeps weren't like "YEA, whoohooo boobs!!!" Instead they were like "Oh...what....ummmm..." *looking anywhere but at the boobs* and then handed me whatever trinkets they were giving away.  Because there were also KIDS IN THE PARADE!!!!

Seeeeeeeeeee you don't have to show your boobs to get Mardi Gras stuff!!!!  Just smile and wave.  That's all I did and I had all kinds of crap to bring home.  I like this parade because almost everything is homemade.  Its fun little things you get. 

I woke up Sunday with the mother of all bruises on my thigh.  There is a hard lump and its a lovely shade of red purple blue green.  My forearms are beat up too and I have a bruise on my ribs....probably from falling into the barricade. 

Lesson:  Drinking at parades is fine.  But try not to injure other people in your quest for cheap crap you can buy at the Wal-Mart. Oh and most people from NOLA don't show their boobs for beads!  We frown upon that.  Keep that $hit for Bourbon and leave it off of the parade routes.  

*****End Transmission*****

Do you ever get drunk....

....and just utterly embarrass yourself???

I don't drink often. Actually almost never.  I mean a glass of wine here and there or a beer but that's pretty much all.  Then I go out or am feeling carefree and for some reason think I am still in College.  And I, well, um, DRINK not just drink.  It's bad.  Well its fun(ny) and I make people laugh but when the glimpses of the night before come flooding back I want to crawl under a rock.  I thought about this because I read my fav blog today The Bloggess and laughed so hard I cried.  It was a post about search terms that lead people to her blog.  One stood out, okay well a few stood out.  You should read them, funny shit!  Anyway, one REALLY stood out, “Fuck off.  I’m fabulous.”  It stood out because I said something close to this the other day.  I mean I was totally joking, I think, but I said it none the less and then wondered if in my drink enhanced stupor I googled this and ended up on Jenny's blog. 

I don't even remember the context but I clearly recall, and by clearly I mean not clearly at all, someone teasing me and me being all giggly said "Oi, fuck off. I'm fabulous".   Which probably came out more like "oooooooooiiiiiiiii, frcusk uuff. I fablooos *fit of giggles*".   Either way, as suggested on her blog, I need this on a t-shirt because reasons. 

So I started wondering if I was internet-ing while incoherent-ish.  So I checked some of my social sites and yep I was!  Apparently, I was on a certain site that caters towards all things fan related.  Well it caters to other things but I use it for all things fan related.  And can I just say...I am FUNNY! 

Apparently I was having a WONDERFUL time slipping in Whovian jokes (among other nerdisms) and no one noticed cause they are not nearly as cool as me.  I'm like a bow tie (OMG am I still drunk?!?).  I know this because I was posting about it online thinking I was hilarious!

At some point, while discussing the lengths my friend will go to in order to continue looking young, I said "By the time its said and done all that's left of you will be a bitchy trampoline".  She laughed her ass off but had no clue what I was referencing.  I'm actually more surprised I didn't slip in a "moisturize me" joke.  Then my husband was playing the part of the only one who could get our nephew to stop yah yah-ing.  Others said "he is the baby whisperer" to which I  replied "oh he speaks baby...didn't you know? You are all peasants".  Come on....that's funny!  I vaguely remember saying these.  One I don't recall completely but thankfully typed some of it out had to do with a complete stranger who was being an ass, I hate douchey people. They make me stabby.  Except when I'm drunk, in that case they make me...weeeeeeeeell just read on.  I have no idea how but I made a "hermit" reference and he said "whatever freak, you have friends" and I said it was our 5 year meeting to discuss caves (I am aware this is way off from the original quote but I can see where I was going with it).  I'm pretty sure at this point my husband dragged me away to drink a lot of water.  Also, my friend kept correcting me because I said I thought a lot of things were "Shiny" even if they weren't at all reflective (oh geez).  Then the kicker.  I wiped out!  My leg just stopped working all together and I have the bruised knee to prove it.  And I said something along the lines of "it's cool just a leg power nap, better stay here I heard the other one yawning".  It may not have even been that close to the original quote but it was close enough.  Truthfully, I think everyone thought I was on drugs at this point because unless you have seen the shows I was attempting to quote, I just sounded like an idiot.  There were more (this went on for a while) but these were my funniest moments.  And during all of this is where I am 99.9% certain I said "Oi, fuck off. I'm fabulous".  Which is where this random blog post got started. 

I know these are not exact quotes but give me a break I was on at least my 4th glass of wine and maybe some rum and minimal food.  I am impressed I managed to remember said references, semi-coherently say them and manage to post it on the internet. 

Of course throughout the next day I would randomly groan to myself.  Not because I was hungover (I was surprisingly okay) but because I am not usually that outspoken and feel like a goober.  Oh well, C'est la vie.