What is wrong with me?!?!

My brain sometimes does things that make me laugh hysterically...which can make me look a tad bit nutty when I'm in public.  I was listening to the radio and heard a song.  A song I've heard a hundred times...but this time my brain did a thing...

"I'm Already There" - Lonestar

He called her on the road

From a lonely cold hotel room - Those are the worst

Just to hear her say I love you one more time

But when he heard the sound 

Of the kids laughing in the background

He had to wipe away a tear from his eye

A little voice came on the phone

Said "Daddy when you coming home"

He said the first thing that came to his mind - Awwwwww *tear* isn't that SWEET!

I'm already there - Oh...um okay......

Take a look around - Seriously, Where....where are you....?

I'm the sunshine in your hair - That's nice

I'm the shadow on the ground - if Doctor Who has taught me anything its don't trust shadows!!!

I'm the whisper in the wind - OMG The Trees are talking!!! Don't put on the headband!!! The forest is ALIVE!

I'm your imaginary friend - If the Exorcist has taught me anything its that Imaginary friends are usually DEMONS!!!!

And I know I'm in your prayers - a tad presumptuous.  

Oh I'm already there - Creeeeepy!

She got back on the phone

Said I really miss you darling - Aw

Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright - Isn't that a movie?

Wish I was in your arms - Daaaaaw

Lying right there beside you - Brown chicken brown cow!!!!

But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight - Oh ho ho ho naughty naughty!

And I'll gently kiss your lips - Wait...wait...are we phone sexing...?

Touch you with my fingertips - This is really sounding like phone sexing....

So turn out the light and close your eyes - OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY PHONE SEXING!!!!

I'm already there - well good for you, I need a little longer

Don't make a sound - Yea because the kids will think mommy is being murdered!

I'm the beat in your heart - is this a metaphor for a pulsating...never mind

I'm the moonlight shining down - Mood lighting!

I'm the whisper in the wind - yea, whispering "sweet nothings" through the phone...

And I'll be there until the end - Well you better stay till she's done!

Can you feel the love that we share - excuse me sir, this is getting inappropriate!

Oh I'm already there - do you have to keep reminding me...?

Theres another chorus but you get the gist.  Why am I like this?!?!? I've always thought this was the sweetest song.  Now whenever I hear it, I'll only be able to think naughty things.  

SIDE NOTE - I still love this song and think its a beautiful song.  I just had a moment of immaturity, that was so funny to me, I thought I'd share.

Where do I insert the blood of a virgin...?

Oooo that sounds...ew.

Anyways....I know its been beaten to death.  We've all seen THE meme. 

And I've had to do those...minus the Blood of a Virgin...so far...

But I have never had THIS issue. 

What?!?!!?  "Choose a password that is harder for people to guess"....  Ummmm, pretty sure mine was NOT guessable but okay.  

Originally I did a weirdo password with a number change someplace in it.  It said "Strong" as I was typing then I got that error.  Hmmmm okay....

So I did another iteration of my password with another uppercase and a special character.  Same error.   WTF...

So I added a word...same error

I typed F**kBeans1! Same Error.

Argh!  #SuckBallz69....Same Error

EataDickMFR1!...same error

#F**kYou1! Same error

iHateMS1! Same Error

#WhaleVagina1! Same error...oh you have got to be kidding me!!!!

Then I got really pissed and typed symbols with a variation of c**tlicker...accepted...$HIT!

Hope I don't have to give some poor IT guy my password anytime soon.  

I know it says don't use common words or names but what the f**k man?!?!  

So its a bunch of guys running around free-ballin'...?

This is my email.  THAT is an invite to a race.  I read that as "FRESHJUNK Racing" and saw it was for the "Turkey Trot".  And all I could picture was a bunch of guys running around with their junk out because...well I mean if you think about it...its a Turkey race....

And that "Snood" looks suspiciously like some angry...*ahem* never mind.

Also, looking at pics of turkey necks has me giggling like an IDIOT...obvi none of these pics are mine

Its...its Emo ..."I mean, like don't pretend to KNOW me,
also my name is Urie...respect"

Ahhh yes, the elder nutsack

Sir...sir....your Snood appears inflamed, I recommend antibiotics

I can't...it's like something out of  the Dark Crystal

Why so sad...cold shower...?

You makin' fun of me, Riz?

I only see little dicks with eyes.....

Link

I am not helping make these for a kids party...nope...nah ha...you are on your own buddy....

That's it...I have nothing else to say....

(you) Make Me...*bloop*.........Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I never needed you like I do right now
I never needed you like I do right now
I never hated you like I do right now
'Cause all you ever do is make me... *bloop*

Make me...wet...?
Make me...drip...?
Make me...water...?
Make me...poop...?
Make me...leaky...?
Make me...rain...?
Make me...wee...?
Make me...a broken pipe...?
Make me...a leaky faucet...?
Make me...pour one out for my homies...?


Make me what?!?!?

Apparently the correct answer is "Cry".  Right...but when I hear a *bloop* noise like dripping water my first thought isn't "Cry"...

Guess I have a Dirty Mind....

Dammit now I have to wee.

Please stand clear of the doors

"Por favor manténganse alejado de las puertas."

 
This is gonna be a hodge podge of nope, strap in, it may be a wild ride.

1.  We noticed BLACK MOLD growing on our office ceiling in various places.  Yes we had crazy rain and flooding about two weeks ago.  But this is bad bad bad.  Not to mention we've been complaining that our lights don't work right...sometimes they come on, sometimes they don't.  There is a "flooded house" odor.  Our A/C craps out randomly.  My internet connections crap out randomly.  And all of us get headaches, cough, sneeze, etc when here but are fine once we leave.  CLEARLY something is wrong.  So we told the landlord.  HAND TO GOD the jack@$$ that came up here said "well ya see, when we had all that rain the roof leaked." No $hit Sherlock!  Soooooo how ya gonna fix it.  "I'll come up here tomorrow and replace the moldy ceiling tiles".  Ummmm that my stupid friend is a "bandaid".  We've had issues for MONTHS.  Three days later they came and replaced the tiles.  I still believe there is MOLD in the mother f**king ceiling we can't see.  Our lights have MOISTURE in them (cuz that's normal).  And after they pulled down the tiles, they "cleaned up" the counters...with PLEDGE.  Listen here dip$hit...that is NOT a disinfectant.  That will NOT kill mold spores.  Y'all are NOT FIXING ANYTHING!!!

2.  A/C crapped out AGAIN!  Guy comes to fix it and tells us we don't know how to use the Thermostat.  Ummmm we've been here for 6 months, we know how to use a f**king thermostat.  So he "fixes" it and leaves.  The thing reset itself and is blowing HOT AIR. He is now back saying "but I fixed it".  No, no you didn't.  You didn't "fix" it, you bandaided it just like those morons who "fixed" the mold.  Shockingly we need a new thermostat....

3.  This just makes it sound like someone stole his $hit and gave it back to him as a gift....

4.  Excuse me?!?!?!

Oh...oh! It's a Dog Grooming joke....my mind went in another direction....

5.  Is this for real?!!?!?!

No...NO!  Just no no no no no...not gonna read it because...

I'm out...

Someone is having a little too much fun with the Juke Box!

Things you expect when with FAMILY at a FAMILY style restaurant:

1. Generic food...Pizza, Burgers, etc.
2. Loud @$$ people/kids
3. Beer
4. Music...Top Ten Pop Chart stuff
5. Games for Kids
6. Unnecessary calories but an all around good time

Things you do not expect when with FAMILY at a FAMILY style restaurant:

1. Having a conversation with your Father in Law and hearing "B**ch better have my money"
2. Laughing it off as an oops only to have it followed by "Let's Talk About Sex"...Ummm let's not.  Helloooooo Father in Law AND children...just NO!
3. Having the teeninsy waitress in her too short shorts and cut up tee lean between you and said in law while you are talking.  Hello boobies at eye level.  Um excuse me miss can you move those, all I can see is pop in law's eyes and its weird...thanks
4. Talking with other family members only to hear "And you're screaming give it to me baby
Give it to me mother f**ker" *jaw drop* I know its loud in here but if I heard it, others did....right?  Not really.  They were all caught up in conversations but looking around the restaurant you could tell who heard it because they all had the same look as me...*WTF* My bro in law just put his head down and was snorting with laughter.
5. Telling the waitress who apologizes profusely and goes in the back.  20 minutes later "Mommy what's Truffle Butter"...oh God that is SO wrong coming from a child!  We didn't hear the song because we were talking...

I think at this point we all died a little.  The song itself is innocent to innocent ears BUT ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! So mommy did what any mommy would do.  She LIED through her teeth.

"Oh, baby Truffle Butter is a...a delicacy" 
*snickering from the rest of us* *glare from mom* 
"As I was saying.  Its a Delicacy.  Something really only rich people can afford."
*turning red with effort of NOT laughing* *more glaring* 
"So that is why he's singing about it.  He's, um, rich now and its something he can enjoy".  
At this point the 15 year old loses it and it saying "ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!!!!".
We are all shocked...how do you know?!?!?!  Right...15...internet...'nuff said 
They covered it well, "What?  I don't think I like truffles".  Nice save little one. 

I don't think he bought it.  God help us if he remembers this when he is older and loud caps us all for attempting to maintain his innocence.

If you don't know what "Truffle Butter" is...Urban Dictionary it...USE CAUTION...I think it scarred me for LIFE!

Side Note - GROSS!!! That is how you get weirdo infections in your nether regions...don't do that!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say after that the music went off and didn't come back...at least not while we were there....

Happy V Day or something

Alright so I am not a big celebrator of the Valentine's Day.  I mean its fine if you do but I've never been big on it.  It used to driver my High School and College boyfriend's crazy!!!  I appreciated all of their efforts and I always got them SOMETHING but it was just another day to me.  I think it is because my parents were never hardcore Valentine's peeps so I never understood what the hype was about.


Flash forward to now.  Thank doG, I married someone like me.  He thinks it is *meh* too.  We still do something just for the hell of it, like grill or get "fancy" take out.  And by fancy I mean this Mexican restaurant that serves authentic Mexican style food, not the Americanized stuff.  I like that too but this one is so YUMMY!

This year we were low key as usual.  Got some steaks and the "special of the day" lobster tails to cook at home and called it a night.  He got me flowers and my fav wine (not expensive) and I got him non local beer.  We watched the FOX Sunday night line up (soooooo romantic) and it was wonderful!

While I was shopping for our "feast" I saw chocolate covered strawberries.  1/2 dozen for $5, WHAT?!?! That is a STEAL!

Then while we were eating them I saw this one and we laughed so hard I almost lost the treat to my overly curious dog.  "NOOOOOO, chocolate is bad for you!"

Someone got a little TOO excited about V Day. 

Okay MAYBE we are a tad childish but come on!  The others were all perfect little white accent lines and this one looks like...well it looks like when a high school boy is touched by his girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time.  The bakery should have put this one aside as a "fail".  If you don't see what I am talking about, good on you...you do not have a "dirty" mind.  The rest of you, the club meets daily on the Internet.  *muahhahaha*

 

I have a filthy mind...I'm going to hell...in a hand basket...with bells on...

And so is everyone else who commented on this!

What am I looking at?!?!!?  Why are there giant red penis looking things all over S.E. Louisiana?!?!?  That gives a whole other meaning to being f**ked by Mother Nature...  What was in that rain??!?!  No wonder my plants started growing like crazy...

You know you see it too!  And don't tell me "it looks like nuns walking in prayer" because we all know you only came up with THAT so you wouldn't seem as heathenish as the rest of us.