Turtles do not belong in there!!!

So I saw this:

What did I say last time?!?!! Why does this keep happening!??!?!

Then I read the article and...

Link

"Doctors found a small dead turtle in her vagina, which caused a “serious infection,”"

"The 26-year-old woman said she had been partying with a group of British friends a few days earlier but doesn’t remember what happened that night,”

Did...did the "friends" put it in there????

Who....who does that?!?!?!? 

Who does that to a "friend", no less!?!?!

The Zombies are coming, the zombies are coming!!!

I can tell you with 100% certainty that if I got an alert at 1:45 AM about "Extreme Zombie Activity" and I had no power, I would have a minor panic attack until my brain woke up. 

How does that happen?!!??! Link

"There are now far less than seven-thousand-three-hundred-eighty customers involved due to extreme zombie activity,"

SHUT UP!  That cannot be real?!!?!?

OMG!

Seriously though...you get that and you are half asleep...possibly dreaming about zombies (it happens...shoosh)

Conclusion, a Walking Dead hacker thinks he/she is f**king hilarious!!!!!


Favorite line: “I want to reiterate that Lake Worth does not have any zombie activity currently and apologize for the system message,” Ben Kerr said.

Idiocracy was a f**king prophecy

Right so I know I joke that Idiocracy is coming true but lately...LATELY...I fear I may not be joking.

People DO NOT THINK.

Who does this?!?!!?

Link

Who said "yes lets have LIVING exotic animals as props at prom"?!? The kids didn't do this.  This had to have been approved by an "Adult".  I put that in quotes because the definition of what constitutes being an adult is started to get a little hazy.

"At a Miami prom themed “Welcome to the Jungle,” several exotic animals, including a lemur, two macaws, an African fennec fox and a tiger were on display."

Has anyone been to a F**KING prom?!?!!?  They are loud and packed and have weird lighting and smells.  Just thinking about the stress put on those poor animals is heartbreaking!  

From the School: "The tiger, which was displayed for a few minutes in a cage was never harmed or in danger, was not forced to perform, was always accompanied by his handlers… and for the great majority of the time was laying down in a relaxed state facing away from the audience,” the statement read.

But watch the Video...that cat was pacing with ears back.  Anyone with a f**king brain can see that animal is uncomfortable.  That is why our old Mike the Tiger didn't go into the stadium for games.  He got too stressed out so he stayed in his habitat (which happens to be nicer than my house).  

"But in video posted online, the tiger can be seen pacing in the cage as performers use fire to entertain the graduating class." 

Performers.used.Fire.  read it again...they used FIRE!  Any living creature out of its comfort zone would freak the f**k out seeing fire and being in a f**king cage!  A human would.  Imagine being put in a tiny cage and rolled out into a large "arena" where there is FIRE and loud noises all around you.

What if he would have gotten out?!?!?  Yea yea yea he was "always with his handlers".  Ask Siegfried & Roy how well a pissed off Tiger listens to its handlers.  Like Roy said not the Tiger's fault!  He almost died and didn't blame the Tiger BUT a Tiger no matter how well cared for, no matter how much interaction with humans it has, is still a wild animal.  

That prom could have become famous for very different reasons.  I hate people!  Common sense says this is a bad idea, yet it was approved by a school system.  God help us we have no common sense left and that is what is educating our future generations. 

Do you want a goat boy? Because that's how you get goat boy!

Link

We spent so much time thinking if we could, we didn't stop to think if we should...

I kid, I kid...*pahhahahaha* and I crack myself up!

STG my first thought was

GOAT BOY!  These skits used to crack me up!

Brief clip at 00:10. SNL doesn't let their stuff on YouTube so I'm limited but can I say...damn I miss the 90's.  That $hit was f**king funny!

On a serious note, they are doing this to see if we can grow human organs in other animals but all I could picture was f**king Jim Breuer bleeting on SNL!

Off Topic - This was his funniest stand up. He had many but this one stays with me.  Jim Breuer about Alcohol

Wait, why did they cut some random child's hair??? Was it on fire???

"Two volunteer firefighters are on leave after an Ohio family dispute about a child's haircut resulted in investigations, according to the fire chief." Link

This whole thing makes it sound like two Volunteer Firefighters grabbed some random girl and chopped off her hair for no reason.  This has nothing to do with them being f**king firefighters!  This is stupid.  I do agree what they did was completely irrational and wrong, but maybe they news station should MENTION somewhere before the FOURTH paragraph in the article that it was the Step Mother and Father who did this and they HAPPEN to be Volunteer Fire Fighters.  This is a domestic issue to be investigated by CPS. 

This has nothing to do with their volunteer work.  Also, why is the fire chief involved???  Did they use their "titles" as firefighters to harm someone?  No.  This is a FAMILY issue!!!

If I f**ked up it wouldn't say "Account Manager for ______ company did whatever to ________, a Manager for ______".  It would say 30 something woman lost her composure and hit her husband.  Actually it probably wouldn't even make the f**king news. Also, I wouldn't harm my husband it was just an example.

I feel AWFUL for that girl.  It is truly terrible!  But thankfully in this instance, its only hair...it will grow back.  Is it scarring, of course and I think Step Mom and Dad should be investigated.  But for the news outlet to say two firefighters on leave because of a child's haircut is so stupid!

Take about sensationalizing an otherwise, unfortunately, normal story. It almost overshadows the fact that CLEARLY there is a parenting problem that CPS needs to be involved in. 

I hate the media sometimes!

I dressed up as The Doctor and now my soul belongs to Satan

Look I'm not really one to be like "your beliefs are stupid" but sometimes I see (or am told/TAGGED IN) $hit and just want to throat punch people.

LINK

Right...okay.  What?!?!!?!? Also, stop tagging me in this stuff!!!!!

If you don't want to celebrate Halloween, that's fine.  But stop with the stupid.  Halloween is not a satanic holiday.  If the church of Satan uses it as a holiday they "stole" it from earlier religions/traditions ...just like CHRISTIANS "stole" the winter solstice...also known as Christmas...from earlier Pagan religions. 

Again, if this is your belief I guess that's fine but stop telling me that because I celebrate my FAVORITE holiday I am not Christian and stop telling me my littles are being opened to demons because little Suzy dressed up as f**king Cinderella!

"We think because we are not performing any demonic rituals or human sacrifices that we are on safe ground, but did you know that as soon as you dress up, whether you color yourself or put on a costume, the enemy owns you? Because by doing so, you have turned over your legal rights, and you have dedicated yourself and your kids to celebrating the devil's holiday. "

What?!?! Are you saying I signed some divine LEGAL contract at some point and celebrating Halloween negates it?!?!? I don't think that's how this works....

Here's my take on it.  This person is a troll.  Like the ultimate troll.  How can I make already hyper paranoid Christians bat$hit...I know lets tell them if they put kids in Costume on one specific f**king day of the year, they're turning them into devil worshipers *pahahahahaha*.

Riiiiiight...*rolling eyes*.

"As devil worshippers, Halloween was very special to us, and we looked forward to celebrating it because we knew the implications and the dark power behind the night."

This is f**king dumb.  There is no special freaking demon power on Halloween.  It is an end of harvest festival that can be traced back to Celtic and Gaelic folk traditions. 

Here is where I think all the crazy BS comes in.  "it was seen as a liminal time, when the boundary between this world and the Otherworld thinned.  The souls of the dead were also said to revisit their homes seeking hospitality."

So a combination of OLD traditions.  Traditions that existed BEFORE CHRISTIANITY combined with new traditions created the holiday we now call Halloween.  

Tell me again how I am worshiping Satan if I am a f**king minion on Halloween and hand out candy to cute little kids who are having fun? 

But wait there's more! "The only harvest we celebrate is the harvest of souls.  For many who celebrate Halloween, that celebration carries over to Nov. 1, which is also known to some as the Day of the Dead, or All Saints' Day, but there is nothing holy about it—it is demonic."

Really...you are telling me ALL SAINTS' DAY...the day we (well some of us) visit the graves of our dead relatives and friends to leave flowers is...demonic...?  "We have a picture in our minds that it seems holy, but there is nothing innocent about it. " Uh huh.... 

No!!!!!  It is a day of f**king remembrance.  We REMEMBER those who have gone to heaven...recognized Saints and those not recognized.  We aren't performing some ritual to bring our friend back as a f**king zombie.   

Ya know what, its fine don't celebrate Halloween or All Saints' Day for that matter...more candy for me and less people when I leave flowers.  

This is how crazy happens!  Seriously, the devil is not hiding in a Holiday.  If you believe in Lucifer then you should also believe that he is always there tempting you.  He doesn't pop out on f**king Halloween and say "Ahhhahahahaha, you dressed your child as a sock monkey, his soul is now mine".  

Sorry, this stuff just makes me irrationally angry...

But what if he is a Time Traveler?!?!?!

LINK

I...ok.  I mean lets think about this.  What IF we are invaded and he was right and all he wanted to do was make sure we fought back.  The future of humanity could be in jeopardy!!!!

"The man told police he was only able to time travel because aliens filled his body with alcohol." or maybe he was out of his mind intoxicated...maybe.  I mean why would they give him the ability to come back to warn us...that is highly unlikely.  

"He noted that he was supposed to be transported to the year 2018, not this year." Crap...hmmm who else ends up in the wrong year(s)...I need a picture...is he wearing a velvet frock coat and a cravat...?  Maybe a leather jacket...does he look like a magician?!?! Is he rambling about a blue box...?

Dude we are gonna feel hella bad if we locked up the savior of Earth.

I'll just leave this...here

Or alcohol....

Or ya know...don't lock them up....because they SEEM "crazy"

And just because I almost spit my coffee out...

If you can't detect my sarcasm we can't be friends...

It's not a f**king storage cubbie!

LINK

Stop putting weird $hit in your vajayjay!!!!

Things you can put in your lady parts:
- fingers
- penises
- fake penises
- feminine hygiene products
- Lubes/Creams made for it
- Other toys MADE to put in there

Things you should NOT put in your hoohah:
- Syringes (WTF MAN?!?!)
- Money (Ewwwww, have you seen that special about how germy money is?!?!)
- Pills (that $hit can be ABSORBED into your...look its just a bad idea and makes me think of instant DEATH)
- Weird herbals suggested by that wacko celebrity
- Honestly if you have to think "hmmmm, should I put this in there"; you probably SHOULD NOT!

But seriously drugs are BAD.  Don't drink and drive...don't get high and drive...don't drive impaired...just STOOOOOOOOP!  

Also, I remember a few years ago a friend of mine who works in the ER admitted someone with a...wait for it...SUNGLASSES CASE stuck in the peesh.  Not like a tiny travel case.  Like those MONSTER things you see at Sunglass Hut for designer glasses....STOP PUTTING WEIRD $HIT IN YOUR HUMP HOLE!

That is basically a collection of dried...drying...spunk...o_O

What the actual f**k?!?!

LINK

Why...I...what....WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!

I always say to each his own but...I dunno...I...unsanitary!!!

It got worse...it got WORSE!!!!! "After collecting them from lovers, friends and even strangers, her condom collection has grown to an impressive size."

 Ew.....ewww.....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

"she developed a penchant for the smell of rubbers"

"1,921 rubbers, all of which line her bedroom walls like a museum."

"Her father has even asked his friends to donate their used condoms to the cause." 

WHAT?!?! "Used condom fetishism exists the world over." 

AHHHHHHH! "studies have shown that harmful bacteria can linger for a long time in a used condom" 

JFC " There’s a Guinness World Record for condom collecting. An Italian man named Amatore Bolzoni harbors the widest collection in the world. These specimens number in the 2,000’s and date back as far as the 19th century." 

I can't...I just...I need a drink and a shower....