It's a Happy Hole NOT a Salad Bowl

After all the Goop posts I started following that Doctor that always debunks her $hit.  One she's super smart/very informative and two she's pretty funny. 

I've been a little busy so I am behind on my reading....but anything titled "Don’t cleanse your vagina with a cucumber. Please." has got to be interesting. 

LINK

OK look I have clearly always been on the same page as this doc but JFC ladies...  Its self cleansing.  It doesn't need to be reset with herbs, wasp nests, or vegetables!  If you have an issue you probably need a cream and/or a pill.  Peeling a freaking cucumber and sticking it in your lady parts is NOT a solution. 

"...whatever else passing as the vaginal snake oil du jour at best do nothing but have real potential for harming good bacteria..."

Listen to the doctor....also inserting and twisting anything in your peesh for 20 min is called masturbating...

So if you want to do that, buy a B.O.B. not a pre-pickle. 

You make me want to light my computer on fire...and then throw it at you!

If I get  randomly added to one more Facebook group I am going to lose my $hit!!!

I don't want to "get oily"...I like EOs but I've been added to seven...SEVEN different "online groups", get help people!

I don't want longer lashes...well I do but not for that kind of money...f**k off!

I don't want to reduce the signs of aging...okay maybe I do but again not for $$$$$$$$ for a month's supply...suck my toe!

I don't want stick on nail polish...seriously?!?!!? Didn't I use this as a kid bc nail polish was messy...?

I don't have f**king kids, quit trying to sell me a subscription to Christian kids books

I don't want a new makeup...trust me it isn't that Unique...eat a d**k!

Those leggings are f**king hideous, who are you trying to fool?!?!

My $15 workout clothes work just fine I don't need a gold lined sports bra with pillowed inserts made of virgin sheep fur or whatever.......

I like my drug store lip gloss...why the f**k do my lips need $45 tint...?  Yea yea "but it stays on"...Ya know what so does Maybeline super stay and its $10.

I don't need to create a pendant or bracelet from tiny charms and be charged $$$$$$$$ for it...there is a thing called a craft store (or Amazon)...$20, done! Or Etsy....I like Etsy...

Also, if you add me as a friend bc we knew each other in HS, I am generally happy to catch up with you.  But then try to sell me something I am going to show up on your doorstep and squirt you with a water bottle ...

*squirt squirt* "No! Bad Friend...BAD!"

Don't get me wrong, I think its great these women (and some men) are trying to earn some extra cash and it doesn't bother me to see their pics/products in my timeline. BUT adding me to random groups makes me Stabby.

Invite me, fine great, I'll just ignore it.  But I hate that they can just add me.  "Hey NOLAGurl, that chick you haven't seen in 20 years just added you to her new makeup group.".  And then you are suddenly blasted with 15 rapid fire notifications.

And I do not want to become a re-seller!!! Its like a ponzi scheme...right? "I'm a seller, I recruit you so now I get ___% of your sales on top of mine.  You recruit someone and you get ___% of their sales and I get ___% of your %.  Oh and did I mention you have to 'buy in'.  Don't worry its only $1,000". What?!?! Or some crazy BS like that.  That's a scam right, that sounds like a scam...its a scam...?!?!?!  I just can't see the ROI being quick or even there...

UPDATE - I purposefully did not post anything about what happened in Las Vegas.  I am saddened and heartbroken...its a scary scary world.

"waiter, there is a hair in my soup"

"Ma'am, its attached to your finger nail"

LINK

No...just no...JUST NO!  I feel like I have to state I really don't care what your fashion style is but this seems incredibly unsanitary.  There is a reason humans don't have hairy fingers...well evolution but can you imagine what would live in finger fur?!?!?!

Seriously give it a think...I'll wait....

Were these the progression of your thoughts...because they were mine the more I thought about it...

How the f**k did I turn out semi normal?!?!?!

No but really.  I joke about my crazy family but they really are like LEGIT weirdos.  And not in the fun kind of way.  No, I'm talking about in the stress you out until you lose your f**king mind kind of way. 

Let me set a scene for you.  I got a text...NOT A CALL A F**KING text that said "Patriarch fell in the bathroom.  Had to call Fire dept. Matriarch said he's acting funny and talking odd." 

What would you have said???  I said "did he have a stroke??? what hospital is he at?" 

20 min later "He's not at the hospital.  I'm going over there later."

WTF?!?!?!  Apparently its not too bad.

STG 8:30PM I get another f**king text "He looks bad.  He shakes.  Maybe a stroke.  Never slept.  Won't eat.  Maybe Dr. will call me tomorrow.  Say a prayer."

Are you F**KING kidding me???  "I'll say a prayer but....You think he had a stroke...and he's home?!?!?!  Call 911 NOW, the first few hours after a stroke are CRUCIAL to survival!!!!"  I get he is over 90 but COME ON. 

20 texts back and forth and I'm told "he knows what stroke is, he fine.  Don't call the other kids, don't want to worry them.  No hospital.  He's going to sleep."

My side of the 20 texts "Call.the.ambulance.NOW!  Don't you think we should at LEAST call his kids...ya know in case this goes south.  What if he doesn't wake up!?!?  Fine, whatever!  Don't listen to me.  Clearly you crazy people know more than a medical professional!!!!!" (not me but I still thought he should see one)

I attempted to go to sleep...which can I tell you really didn't f**king happen.  Then I went to work because you know "responsibilities".  I waited until 10:40AM to attempt contact.  Mother F**king crickets.  Seriously?!?!!?  You TEXT me and basically imply the Patriarch is dying, then tell me it isn't so bad, then don't answer the god blessed phone....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?!?

I have been semi sane.  I've only called every 30-40 min and sent a few texts.  Still...NOTHING! I would assume if it was bad, I'd have gotten a response but who f**king knows.  These are the same people that thought after a 90+ yo fell he DIDN'T need to be seen by a doc. 

I hate docs to but can we make an adult decision.  A LOGICAL adult decision.  For my f**king sanity.  And God help me if I get a TEXT with bad news...I may lose my mind for real. 

This is why we all have trust issues!

Right, so we all know everything on the Internet is 100% true.  *ahem*  Anyway, I see all kinds of goofy $hit on FB and other social media.  90% of the time the original poster is making a joke.  A *haha* lets see how many dumb@$$e$ there are on the interwebs.  I usually roll my eyes and move on.  I try not to get "offended" and I ignore many but when one starts to go viral in my friend list I have to say something.  And I am usually not the only one that does say something.  Especially when it is kind of mocking something...like Veterans.

COME ON people!!!  That is not a group of Vietnam Vets.  It is the cast for Tropic Thunder!!!!  That is Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr, etc.  STAAAAHP sharing this! I checked the original post...I can't tell if it was a joke or not but A LOT of people commented on it with "ha ha...that is the cast for Tropic Thunder" or "I hope you are joking...that is Ben Stiller etc".  I get that some people may not realize its a movie cast and share it because they share f**king everything they see online.  So bad on you internet troll...

If you want to support Veterans do not post a picture of a bunch of Hollywood elite who made a satirical movie about War....its insulting.  Instead, maybe find a REAL picture of Vets and share it.  Just a thought.   Or quit sharing everything you see online...geesh!

P.S. And yes I know quite a few Vets who find this movie hilarious (I laughed too)...its the misrepresentation in the Post that is annoying.