How to lose 5ish lbs in an hour

Sooooo I had that thing done.  You know that thing where they remove the thing(s) causing my lady issues.  

Its routine right?  Well yes it is but holy moly its still not something you want to have done.  You are still put under, you are still down for a few weeks, you are still gonna randomly bleed and can't use a tampon or cup.  

I f**king hate being female sometimes. 

I will say kudos to the nurses and doctors for making this as easy as possible.  They put the IV needle in with almost no issues.  They were very attentive and it was rather quick considering, they had to remove at least 2 fibroids, a polyp and then do a D&C.  

I woke up and had to pee which is actually a good sign. But I was also VERY uncomfortable.  Once I was "stable", I went to a room and they got the hubs.  I was feeling very awake which was weird but cool deal.  Now the doc that did the procedure is male.  He is very good but no offense...you cannot tell me what pain I may or may not be in.  You don't have a uterus... you are basing this off of what you've read, learned, heard.  

So when the nurse was like "you okay" and I said no not really.  I really loved that she immediately went get me a percocet. Now I don't like pain pills but I was IN PAIN.  She said she talked to my doc and he was like "give her this for now but the pain shouldn't be too bad.  Tell her to take some Motrin at home if she needs".  

F**k you very much for that.  So I got no Rx which again, I probably wouldn't have taken much but STILL.  Anyways,  I just don't like being dismissed like that.  So the nurse was like you have to pee again before I discharge you, done and done.  I changed and she removed my IV.  Now I was alert but still out of it.  I heard her say something about "this was deep in your vein.  Keep the compression bandage on for____ hours".  Which is a story for another day.

I did have discharge papers so yay. Papers said no dead-lifting more than 5lbs, no sexy time, no strenuous exercise for at least 2 weeks.  And don't get hit in the abdomen, no animals jumping on you or sleeping on the tummy.  Make sure to walk around but listen to your body, get alot of rest. K.Cool.Got it. 

I got home, ate, and slept for 16 hours getting up once to pee and shower. 

I cramped and bled for days, I was SUPER Nauseous for over a week.  Not extreme bleeding thankfully just annoying.  What PISSED ME OFF is while I was still out cold the people without female body parts had a discussion with my hubs saying recovery might be 10 days at most, don't lift 10lbs, walking will help and is fine, can resume all normal activity in a couple days. So when I was still not great a few days later, hubs was like "what's wrong the doc said XYZ". 

I LOST MY $HIT.  In his defense he was listening to what the doctor said.  So what I did was go into GROSS DETAIL of what I actually went through.  He tried to get me to stop...but I didn't because f**k that, you get to hear what bull$hit women go through. 

"Let me explain what all those fancy medical words mean.  While I was under ANESTHESIA. Not mildly sedated...I was under ANESTHESIA. They dilated my cervix.  You know...like when you hear someone having a baby...they are DILATED so many CM.  Well I was dilated some so they could get in there.  Then they slid in a camera with a snipping tool on the end.  They went in and removed the growths and cauterized where they were ATTACHED to the walls of my uterus. After they removed these intruders, they inserted this U shaped scoop thingy.   They used this to scrape the walls removing the excessive uterine lining. After removing as much as they could they made sure nothing was hemorrhaging and sent me to wake up with no pain medication for after. So how do you think you would feel if you had your insides scraped? Do you think you would be functional???"

He didn't make another comment and was way more attentive to helping me after that.  I just hate how it was downplayed.  Like no sir...I get that the doc was like its NBD.  But it was a big f**king deal!!!!  I could tell the ladies understood.  Because my friends and family that knew what I had done were checking on me daily and making sure I was okay and I didn't do too much.  

Hell I stood too long 2 days after having it done and SUFFERED the next day.  I was literally a blob on my couch and all I did was stand too long.  

Being a female is bull$hit sometimes....also no uterus no opinion on how much pain we should or should not be in!

Riding the Crimsom...Tsunami?

This is 1000% TMI please feel free to skip. 

I know I've mentioned it before but I sometimes hate being a female.  We deal with the most ridiculous issues and 90% of the time its downplayed as NBD. 

Well ya know what it is a Big Deal!

I've had some weirdo issues over the years but this takes the cake.

I'm still uh...fairly regular when it comes to monthly occurrences.  Almost like clock work I know when things will happen.  Well last month things...went...sideways. 

It started normal-ish. My cycle began almost exactly when expected.  Except this time it started with me literally having a breakdown after a night out (WTF?!?!)

Legit basically no other issues.  3 days later it tapered off and I got ready for Turkey Day.  That is where things went butt f**k crazy. 

About to leave for dads and I feel a little something.  Well $hit it came back (not abnormal).  I had the WORST CRAMPS OF MY LIFE trying to have a convo with my cousin, this is NOT normal. I was so sick I barely ate. 

3 days later MOFO is still going, like GOING...like WTF this never happens going.  I get to day 7 and I'm like something is wrong wrong, I've gone through a BOX of lady sticks in 4 days.  

I get to day 10 and I'm like white as a sheet, this is no bueno.  I call my OB and get an appt that day (also unheard of). 

I get a once over and a "hmmm that's not normal for you".  Yea no $hit....  I get an Rx for something to make the bleeding stop and an appt for an Ultrasound in 2 weeks because they think its uterine fibroids or polyps...cool cool...no thanks. 

At this point I am not buying anymore effing lady sticks so I get a cup.  Why I didn't do this sooner is BEYOND me.  Best thing EVER ladies!

Anyways, the Rx slows it down but its still happening.  I bled excessively for TWENTY TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!  Honestly I have no idea how I didn't just pass out from blood loss.  On day 22 we have shower sexy time and the mofo stops.  WTAF?!!??!  I would have done this much sooner if I knew it would stop it!!!!!!!  Except I felt like actual butthole and didn't want to be touched. 

Can I just say...I know some women deal with excessively long cycles and I...I want to hug you because this was stupid and I hated life for almost a month.  Lets see what the ultrasound says....

Show us your V!

No no not that one....although thanks 🙊

Wait....On second thought...NM....

So scrolling Facebook and I see this:

I...what...? So I kept watching...I couldn't look away.....

WTF?!?!😂

I'm sure there's a cream for that....

Oooo kinky

Ewwww.....but I mean its summer....

You may need some penicillin.....or unscented soap!!!

Ugh the WORST!

This marketing is SPOT ON.  I legit stopped what I was doing to watch this 😹

BRILLIANT!  Why are we so scared to say the "V" word?!?  Your hoohah needs love too.
Go check 'em out.  They actually have some neat products.  queenvlife.com. 

Dear fashion designers, Make WOMEN'S shirts that fit boobs!!! k...thanks...bye

But for real though!  I love a cute little button up.  They make you look slightly more professional.  Yet, I HATE them.  Why you may ask.  Well because for some reason 90% of the ones MADE FOR WOMEN aren't MADE FOR BOOBS. 

See Exhibit 1:

I don't not have a lot up top.  In fact I have the smallest amount they sell an adult bra for.  Just a handful or whatever.  Yet even with the tiniest of tatas I get button pull.  I even took the bra off and it still f**king pulls!  (no picture...it would be flagged NSFW because of visible nipple-age) Why?  Why!?  WHY!?!? Shirts for people with BREASTS should have a little extra material up top to accommodate for the boobage.  And this isn't some "cheapy shirt" I got from the discount rack at the outlet or something.  This is a NICE name brand shirt...something I don't normally splurge on but the design was too cute to pass up. 

But this isn't CUTE!!!

It makes it look like a bought a shirt that was too small.  It fits perfectly everywhere else!!!  If I got a size up you'd be able to see down the arm holes!!!

Look, I wear a small up-top.  Meaning I am not asking for much!!!  Logically a WOMAN'S shirt regardless of size should puff out a bit in the booby area, ESPECIALLY a button up.  We all have them.  Even small ones poke out a little!!!!  Add in those of us with the tiny tatas probably are wearing some sort of padding and you have to see where I am coming from!  I'm not a fashion designer but I know it can be done.  My only conclusion is this shirt was 100% designed by a dude who has no idea about BOOBS!

P.S.  I feel sorry for my ladies with the extra toppings...

I am apparently that 1 in 5...yay

This is a female thing.  Nothing gross just giving a warning.

So I'm dying.  Not really but I kinda feel like it.  Occasionally...not every month but some months I have a weird pain.  The first time it happened and I really noticed it I thought I pulled a muscle or had appendicitis.  The next time it happened it was on the other side.  That's when I started paying attention.  It happens every few months or so, not every month but about midway through when it does.

Turns out I am the 1 of the 1 in 5 females that has Mittleschmerz otherwise known as Mid-Cycle Pain.  Basically I can feel it when I ovulate and it is f**king weird!  We should know by now I have fertility issues, as in we aren't preventing but nothing is happening.  It's to the point where the doc is like "you may want to talk to a fertility specialist" and I'm like "k...but I'm poor".  Well not poor but I don't think we can afford or can justify that.....whatever, a consultation can't hurt...right?

Anyways back to my weirdness.  

I've had this most of my adult life, I just...I thought it was other things, like digestive issues or something.  But when you are tracking cycles you start to put the puzzle pieces together.  So now I know when I feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in one side or the other mid-cycle I am in fact releasing an egg...good to know.  I mean it is good to know but I'd rather just track temps and pee in a cup.  I could do without the throbbing pain, nausea and downright uncomfortableness.  I especially hate when it hits when I'm out in public.  I think the two old ladies the farmers market thought I was dying as I dramatically leaned over the lemons and grabbed my side.  I have a decent pain tolerance but this f**king hurts. 

No I don't punch my side!

I've been told it can last a few minutes to a few hours normally...apparently my body is on the few HOURS regime.  It's not easy to sit at a desk and try to focus when you feel like you're being dissected from the inside.  I should be able to take a sick day for this!  

Have I mentioned I sometimes hate being a girl?  Because for reals this $hit is for the birds!

FFS people, stop putting weird $hit in your Vagina!

Clearly this is a female TMI, so you have been warned!

I don't know what your momma taught you but good lord!  At least do some research before putting strange items in your lady parts!!!!!!  Link to the article.

Dear God, Why?!?!?!

First of all they look like a those snap pop fire crackers and to me that screams "Danger Will Robinson!" 

Second they strangely resemble illustrations of sperm. 

Third its a small bag of herbs your insert into your hoohah...three times a month-ish for four months, just why!?!

Foreign objects in your vag can cause issues.  We already have 3-7 days a month where we kind of have to put something else in there.  It's a "delicate" balance!!!  They tell us not to "flush" things out for the same reasons.  So why why why why would you put a detox bag in there???   Sooooo, if you have funk go to the DOCTOR!!! Or eat healthier.  Or drink more water.  Or use a condom. I don't know, just stop doing this. 

Look, I am a firm believer in some holistic...herbal...essential oil treatments but there is a point...it's just...some things you just shouldn't do.

My body doesn't like certain perfumes & deodorizers (see previous post)....something tells me an herbal tampon would not go over well.   Angry arm pits, I can deal with.  I'd rather not have an angry $natch just saying. 

Favorite quote: "Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra," Dr. Jen Gunter said.

That's right, this article made me channel ERIC CARTMAN!

Also, if you are brave...go to the product page and check out the "discharge" pics.  

I'm a girl...I know, uh, what's up with lady things and I REALLY did not need to see any of that.  To me that looks like you body reacting poorly to the insert...yea its "cleansing" itself...because you stuck a bag of dried plants in it.  

Like I've always said to each his (her) own but this is one of those things I just don't agree with.  

That was a very misleading headline!!!! I was extremely confused...concerned...and a bit grossed out.....

What I saw:

"This Speaker Lets Your Vagina Play Music"

What else am I going to think with that pic and headline other than "If you have enough air coming out of your hoohah to play music you might want to see a doctor ASAP".  Or you may want to contact America's Got Talent because this is a new one in my book!!!!!

My curiosity won out and I read the article.  OMG that makes so much more sense...still weird and disturbing though.  So its a speaker you stick into your vag that plays music for your unborn child.  Ahhhh okay.  Sooooo why would you want to stick a vibrating silicone speaker in your lady parts, when you can just put headphones/a speaker on your belly and be done with it...?  Call me old fashioned but this is weird and unnecessary, right? 

"With Babypod, babies learn to vocalize from the womb."
Ummm while I am all about early development and intelligence...this is weird.  I'm having flashes of a freshly birthed newborn quoting Shakespeare or something.  Oh God what if mom listens to death metal...welcome future serial killer. I'm totally joking...we all know serial killers listen to classical music *see Hannibal Lector*.

"Something great has been achieved, babies start to communicate before birth."
This makes me uncomfortable.  Kicks and stretches and cute stuff on the ultrasound, okay but communication...even remedial forms from a fetus...it sounds very sci-fi esque. *ultrasound noise*  "And here we see your baby at 22 weeks...wait...is he flipping us off?!?  What an @$$hole!"

Ya know what if I ever am able to get preggo, I think I'll just stick to headphones on the belly, if that.  It may be old school but I see no difference in the delivery of the music.   If its in your vag there is still a barrier between the tunes and the baby.  I just...this is just weird!  It seems like a scam to get expecting moms to spend $133 (seriously?!?!?!) on something that may or may not do anything other than piss off your unborn baby because it wants to sleep not be vibrating, while listening to your stupid music.  Dammit mom I hate you and I'm not even born yet!!! This is how the Stewies of the world are created!

Why yes, I'd enjoy a ballon in my uterus...who wouldn't? The weirdest things always happen to me...I don't know why I am surprised anymore...

Okay so this is going to be a TMI post.  And it isn't about me doing something and getting something stuck in a bad place.  Get your mind OUT OF THE GUTTER.  If you don't want to read a ridiculous story about a medical thing I had, don't read on.  No really...its not gross but it is...well, WEIRD.

You've been warned
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No turning back now
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Okay, here goes...



So a few months back my OBGYN (you can still not read on...I'm giving you an out) said I needed to do this other "thing" to investigate my "female issues".  He said the name of the procedure and I said bless you.  He laughed, see I AM funny.  Its called a hysterosalpingogram...yea...yea try saying that five times fast.  Hell just try saying it once.  He said I could have it done at any x-ray lab place and to just make sure they sent him the results.  Okay, sure...no problem.  

Well I pride myself on saying big words...sometimes... so to prove I wasn't a complete moron I attempted to say this "word" when I called to schedule it.  I failed miserably, struggling like Nemo trying to say anemone, and finally just used the shortened version HSG. 

You can look it up for more detail but the gist is it is an x-ray that uses dye injected into your lady parts to make sure things aren't blocked and are of a normal "shape".  Okay, that's fine...I've done the intestinal "dye" x-ray thing, years ago...easy peasy.  Except this one doesn't involve swallowing anything (obviously) so how do they "inject" the dye.  Well I'll tell you...they give you an edited version of a pelvic exam and squirt it in there (and its COLD), no really...I am not kidding.  

So how it is supposed to go, 5 minutes tops:

1.  You sit there spread eagle and they put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
2.  They slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  They inflate the balloon
4.  They remove something (probably the speculum)


5.  The x-ray person steps back
6.  You carefully slide up the table 
7.  They inject the dye
8.  You see your lady parts light up on the x-ray screen
9.  Fin

How it went for me, not 5 minutes...maybe 20-ish:
1.  I sat there spread eagle and he put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
     a. He started chatting with me about LSU and other random stuff

     b. I responded as nicely as possible being as I was in a very awkward position
2.  He slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  He inflated the balloon
4.  He removed something (probably the speculum)


5.  He stepped back
     a. x-ray person "Oh no, the balloon deflated", me, "huh?"
     b. Steps up, does something down there and it re-inflates
     c. Steps back again,  "Oh no, it deflated again", me "What tha? *craning my neck trying to look 
        down*"
     d. Steps up, does whatever and it re-inflates
     e. Repeat c-d two more times
6.  X-ray person "Um, okay.  I don't want to have to re-tube you or reschedule so I'm just going to hold this here so it stays inflated....go ahead and slide up the table", me "Ummmmm"
7.  I scoot up the table while he has his hand down in my Garden of Eden keeping that stupid balloon inflated.    Can I just tell you how weird it is to have someones hand partially in your hoohah, with a tube hanging out like some misplaced tail, as you attempt to "gracefully" slide backwards.  And by gracefully I mean not gracefully at all. Think about it though, your legs are bent and there is a breeze and your, thankfully shaved, vag is *waving* "hey look at me" okay maybe she didn't wave.
8.  Anyway, he starts the x-ray and injects the dye
9.  I see my lady parts light up on the x-ray screen, oh cool
10.  "Hmmm your right tube isn't flowing, I'm going to push more dye in" Me: "what, does that me-- ow ow ow ow ow."  Mind you I have a high pain tolerance but it felt like someone stabbed me in the side with a f**king icicle.   Him: "Sorry, should I stop?" Me: *grunts*  "No, no I'm good."
11.  "there we go, all clear.  Everything looks good.  I see no issues but we'll let your doctor have a look see." Yea okay, cool
12.  He removes his hand and the tube and the defective balloon.  As I am sitting up, "Oh careful when you sit up...the dye has to go somewhere." And I suddenly feel like a wet myself...oh just f**king wonderful.

It also didn't help that the guy looked and sounded like one of the squinterns from Bones...Dr. Oliver Wells.  I'm not putting a picture, look him up.  His real name is Brian Klugman.


So to sum it up, I had a squintern doppelganger with his hand in a normally very private area chatting my ear off about randomness like it was the most normal thing and injecting me with dye while I had an x-ray...good times....

What the f**k, Over...

So I got something in the mail today.  Something that is supposed to be worn around your midsection.  Something that is Made in China and has this f**king warning on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you are telling me this product which is basically a running accessory that sits over your abdomen may cause Cancer, Birth Defects, and/or other REPRODUCTIVE harm.  What the actual f**k?!?!  Are you serious?!?!  Why is this allowed to be sold?!?!?! Does it like absorb through your skin as you sweat?!?!

Clearly someone filed a lawsuit (as stated by my friend), otherwise this warning wouldn't exist but as a female who would like to have children, THAT is terrifying!!! Even if there is a remote possibility that the materials in this thing can cause CANCER, I would think maybe it should be revamped or, oh I dunno, not sold.

Of course ciggies cause cancer and they are still sold so I guess that is a dumb question but I'm not ingesting anything or rubbing it on my skin with the intention of absorption so geesh!  Its a f**king fancy fanny pack!

Nothing is safe anymore, maybe I SHOULD become a hermit!

UPDATE: Just read the proposition...its confusing but I understand, I think.  Not a lawsuit but since they do business in CA they must report any use of chems listed in this proposition to warn consumers of what they are buying.  It included pesticides and dyes...I am wondering if its the Dye...

In honor of Shark Week...it's time for a story

It's Shark Week!!!  I love shark week...you'd think after like 20 years, I'd be sick of Shark Week but no way man...it's Shark Week.  And yes I know its been around for 27 years but there were some years at the beginning where I didn't have cable #iwaspoor so *pleeft*. 

Anyways, I don't have a shark encounter (thankfully) to share but I have a shark related story.  As noted in the past, I live in Southeast Louisiana (near NOLA).  We are quite literally surrounded by water...a virtual island if you include all the bayous and waterways.  Most people (at least 12 or so years ago most people) would say that unless you are in the Gulf of Mexico you aren't going to encounter a shark BUT the locals knew better.  We knew that Sharks inhabited Lake Pontchartrain, at least for part of the year.  When I was young there were always "stories" about sharks in the lake but "smart people" always seemed to want to refute it saying, "Uh no, it is fresh water and sharks like salt water" or something of that nature. 



So it became a sort of joke.  No one ever really proved it from what I recall but people always claimed they saw them.  Moving on to the story.  So 12 or so years ago my "friend" bought a speed boat, whoohoo!  A group of us would go riding in The Lake for fun almost every weekend.  We never got out the boat into the water (those stigmas about a polluted lake were still strong in our minds) for fear of growing an extra arm.  A few weeks after he bought the boat he got a tow line, an inner tube and a knee board.  To quote him, "it's time to have a little fun on the water" (he's a cajun through and through).  Now I am not one to shy away from Hydro-sliding (Knee Boarding) but in The Lake?!?! Nooooo thank you!

For a few weeks after the purchases he tried to get us to go in the water but we ALWAYS had an excuse...some of the guys went but most of us said "uh, maybe next time".   Then there was a sighting...someone saw a shark...it was on the Northshore maybe...never confirmed.  After that it wasn't just a "no thanks" but an "oh hell no!" 

One day (turning to evening) we'd all been drinking (not our skipper, he was sober...safety FIRST people!) and things got weird.  The boys were once again trying to convince us to play in the water.  To which I replied "Seriously?!?!  That is basically how Jaws begins!" They kept saying things like "it's totally safe.  Come on, live a little." One of my acquaintances said "I am not going in water where I can't see my legs under the surface!  That is just asking for lost limbs!" As time progressed we were probably out near The Sandbar I guess (just floating) and our rowdy crew was getting rowdier as the sun was setting...now I am no expert but aren't Dawn/Dusk considered prime hunting times for Sharks???  Anyway, we all had life vests on (we aren't that dumb) but that doesn't stop stupidity.  Well one guy who I will mention is no longer considered a friend of mine (mainly because I broke up with his friend) decided it would be HILARIOUS to throw me overboard.  After I screamed, shot lake water out my nose and caught my breath, I yelled "You f**king @$$hole, I'm basically a swimming chum bucket!" The GIRLS immediately dragged me back in the boat. 

Can I tell you the look of shock on all the boys faces (even my dumb@$$ boyfriend)....it took them all what seemed like hours to get it.  Finally one said (very condescendingly),  "you do know a chum bucket is basically pieces of fish tissue and blood." Um yea I do...THINK ABOUT IT!  Obviously I was not eaten by a shark and I am not even sure if that would have attracted a shark but it was dusk...I was "bleeding"...and I was thrashing around in the water...NOT GOOD!  I wasn't wearing a "plug", I had an issue at the time that prevented that...so I ended up with half of Lake Pontchartrain absorbed into my undies...thank you jerk face. 

I swear it was not long after where experts were like "Oh yea, by the way Bull Sharks are talented little f**kers...they can actually swim in brackish water...we are fairly certain that is what ventures into the lake." Oh f**king great!  Well at least I wasn't dinner for one of the most aggressive sharks out there *whew*.   

What is with all the Vagina posts lately!?!?!?!?

Which is directly affecting the amount of posts I have about the Vag.  Because I can't help but comment.  This one wasn't YouBeauty, believe it or not...it was posted by none of than Mr. Sulu a.k.a. George Takei (whom I ADORE!). 

Anways, scrolling through my FB and I see this....

Okay that sounds like an STD, can we at least have a different name for it????  And I have to agree with Mr. Takei, I had no idea this was a thing...over there.  So OF COURSE I read the article. It's technically NOT your vag that gets the treatment...its the outter area of the hoohah (I am not getting medical here, you can figure it out).  Apparently older women who are dating younger men are realizing their lady parts are looking a little worse for wear.  I guess saggy/wrinkly anything can make you self conscious which includes um...lips but can't we just use some lotion and move on...? 

"These facials reportedly give ladyparts back their youthful glow using a combination of steam treatments and applying a mixture of coconut oil, egg whites and vitamins."

Right...okay...sooooo is this like that thing I posted about a few months ago??? Go take a hot shower and moisturize just like you would ANY OTHER PART of your body...right?!?!  This just seems like the most ridiculous waste of money.  It promises "to give women the vagina of a 25-year-old”... 

OMG really?!?!?  While I guess some men (probably "men" you don't want to be involved with anyway) may get weirded out by older looking hoohah, but most 25 year old men I've known are really just worried about getting laid. If it is with a Cougar, even better.  This to me sounds more like a "lets point out something that will make women even MORE body conscious and make money off of it."

I read some comments from men saying "If I could make my d**k look 25 again, that'd be great" but I really don't think most men care about that either.  If it still gets up that is all that really matters...right?!?  I dunno, what is next? Lip lifts?  You laugh but I bet this is a thing you can do!  It's like a facelift for your snatch. 

I don't get it but more power to you if that's what you want to do.  And honestly I am not judging the women who are doing it.  If that helps their confidence go for it girl, I just feel like it was created to exploit self conscious older women.  When men age it is dignified, their wrinkles are seen as a new layer of attractiveness and their gray hair is sexy (usually).  When women age they are expected to nip, tuck, steam, moisturize, dye and cover up the fact that they are getting older.  And yes I know there are men out there who are VERY self conscious about their aging bodies but as a whole our society glorifies the bodies of aging men while shamming the bodies of aging women. 

I WISH I could time travel into the future and see what the people of that time think about all our beauty treatments.  Do you think they'll get stranger in the future (like The Capitol) or do you think as a society we will mature into accepting that things change and people get older...embrace it.  I'm leaning towards the former but who knows.  Only time will tell. 

My luck I'd travel too far into the future and find a desolate wasteland where humans vacated the planet long ago and moved to Mars or something.  "OMG, don't drink the water!!!"

Side Note - Apparently this has been around for a few years...

My "unoccupied" uterus is NOT up for discussion

Seriously though...why is this a thing?  Why do people think it is okay to ask women insanely personal questions?  And I am not talking family and close friends...I am talking about people who are basically strangers.  No one asks my husband this stuff!

I don't mind being asked, do you have kids or are y'all planning on having kids.  That is fine.  I am talking about the grilling you get after you answer those questions.  Usually my end of the convo continues like this...

No we don't have kids.
Because it hasn't happened yet.

Yes, I want kids.  
No, nothing is "wrong" with me.  (WTF is wrong with YOU?)
Have I been....tested *raised eyebrow*?  My medical history is off limits.
Why does it have to be a problem with me?
Did you really just ask me if my husband's sperm was "good"?  (guess I "asked" for that one)  I should start replying to this one with, "*pondering* it tastes different depending on what he eats"
Yes, I know how to count days
No, I am not telling you when I usually ovulate!
Yes I know I am in my thirties.
Yes, I know I am not getting any younger.
My drinking/eating habits really aren't up for discussion

No, I will NOT stop working out.  That is stupid and the opposite of what the doctor says.
Yes, we've considered artificial methods but really don't want to go broke
Yes, I know we could get a loan but...why...?
OMG there is nothing wrong with adoption...and yes I am aware they wont be "blood related"
Um thanks for the prayers...stop...stop holding my hands and gazing into my eyes *creepy*
No I am not stressing out...if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen
Really I am fine...please stop touching me
Why are you discussing MY reproductive system with another person?!?
Oh please don't give me that "pity" look, seriously I am fine
No, I wouldn't do "anything" to have a child...I am not going crazy over this...please stop.

I just feel like these are rather personal things that not everyone should think they are allowed to ask about.   It's bad enough when family starts on you I really don't need that guy I meet with twice a year asking if my Uterus is "occupied" yet.  RUDE! I swear pretty soon I am going to start saying "No, we don't want kids" which I am sure will get me a different plethora of inappropriate questions/comments.   

I AM so impressive!

So this weekend was this pretty popular race thing in the NOLA area.  Its called the Crescent City Classic (CCC) and I swear everybody and their momma runs/walks it.  Anyways, I haven't done it in a few years so I was super excited, especially since I am in "must get rid of flab" mode.  All week before the race I checked the weather. It was to get cooler overnight from Friday to Saturday BUT Saturday it would be GORGEOUS for the classic.  Sunny and a high of like 72 *whoohoo*.

Then Saturday happened and I remembered I live in South Louisiana and the weather has a mind of its own.  I woke up at the @$$ crack of dawn..actually before the sun came up...and it was hot as Hades, "hmmm, that's odd".  So I got ready and headed to meet my race buddy.  It started raining 1/2 way to her house, "WTF, no no no bad mother nature!"  I was running early (go me) so I stopped to get a breakfast bar thingy and use the potty.  While in said potty I am 99.9% certain I walked in on someone doing a line of cocaine, "Um, morning...".  Now it is raining steadily (but still effing hot).

So we get to the start area and mother nature says "muahahaha, you all shall die" or something of that caliber as she proceeds to blast us with frigid winds and more rain...not hard just misty/drizzly and freaking annoying.  What is happening?!?!?  What happened to sunny and 72????  As we waited for the race of 40,000 people to begin we all stood in our corrals jumping around and bouncing trying to stay warm.  All I have to say is THANK GOD I grabbed a light jacket.  It wasn't much but it was better than nothing. 

*starting pistol fires* And we are off.  Run, run, run.  Did I mention I haven't worked out or done anything more than walk in my hood in over a month because of a knee injury? Yea, I am smart.  Anyways, I apparently think I am super woman.  I ran about 2/3 of the race.  It is a 10K.  I ran for more than 4 miles!  Granted for 1/3 I was walking but I was SPEED WALKING.  That may seem like a piss in the wind to some of you but when you haven't run a race in 3+ years and haven't worked out in over a month that is IMPRESSIVE in my book. 

Now while we were running apparently there was a "cool front" coming through (hey, mother nature! Don't you know its April!?), hence the stupid rain/wind.  As we turned down Decatur the wind was in our faces...we were running into the f**king wind, a 10mph COLD wind.  FML!  I couldn't keep going, I couldn't catch my breath, I thought I was going to die.  Then we turned onto Esplanade Ave and I was good, not as good as my racing buddy but good (well aside from the "my uterus is trying to escape" pain).  She went ahead while I contemplated just walking the remainder.  Then an elderly man passed me and my carefully hidden competitive side kicked in (not competitive with him, with myself) and said "you wuss, he is probably in his 70's...RUN!" So I did and it felt great.  Until the rain got REALLY heavy.  Like, "oh look I am a drowned rat" heavy.  I slowed down to a speed walk.  All I kept thinking is "I will slip and it will be bad".  Then a group of frat boys jogged passed me dragging a wagon with a cooler and speakers.  All of them were drinking beer and handing out jello shots.  "Son of a b***h!" So I ran near them the rest of the race, well I walked some but usually caught up to them.  At least I had music (I forgot my ear buds). 

I was so proud of myself until I woke up Sunday.  *relaxed sigh* Happy Easter! Then I tried to get out of bed and almost fell on the floor.  "OMG someone lit my thighs on fire!!!!" My legs were  freaking sore!  So sore that I decided to forgo wearing my new wedges with my dress...I wore FLATS!  That is insanity for vertically challenged me.  But it was just my quads, the rest of me was perfectly fine, a little sore but normal...my quads were like "WTH were you thinking woman?!?"

But that is my motivation!  I will get to the point where I can once again run most of a 10k and not want to murder someone the next day.  And yes I stretched before and after, I am just out of shape hahaha.  Also note, that running with cramps (not runner's cramps) sucks big donkey d**k!  It is official, my body hates me!

You want me to steam my what?!?!

So I am not a medical professional but I just read that a certain celebrity is yabbering about this "AMAZING" treatment that involves steaming your lady parts.  I swear I heard my lady parts scream at the thought.  

"You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it."

Look, I take hot showers...like burn the 1st layer of skin off hot but something about squatting (sitting) over a pot to expose your Garden of Eden to an herbal steam bath just doesn't seem appealing. I mean steam is water that got too hot to stay liquid so it became a vapor...to me having THAT blow up my hooha sounds unpleasant.  Throw in the herbs that are supposed to balance your hormones and wait...what?!?  I know you can breathe vapor into your lungs and they can absorb things like herbs or meds.  But your vag doesn't breathe and if it does you should see a Doctor stat.  So if it doesn't "breathe" the herbal vapor into the blood stream...can it absorb it?  I honestly have no idea...I should research.

Side Note - I put lotion on the other day that had peppermint in it...you know it makes your skin all tingly for a hot second and smells delicious.  Anyway, I happened to touch a certain area (not in that way you perv!) not long after applying it and I swear to God it felt like I lit a match in my pants...who knew she had such a dislike of peppermint.  With that said steamed herbs may piss her off just the same. 

It also said something about cleansing your uterus...again not a Doc but how does it get into the uterus...?  Sitting in water doesn't make water go in there so why would steam float up in there...I feel like I am missing something.

Whatever the case may be I think I'll leave this one to the celebs and trendy folk because my reproductive system is already temperamental.  If I tried to steam it, it very well may pack up its egg cases and vacate my body while I am sleeping leaving a note that says "if you want a steamed clam, go to a restaurant".

In all seriousness though apparently this is like some ancient medical thing that is having a resurgence.  Who am I to judge?  If you like it, more power to you.  I've not tried it and I probably wont but others have and seem to enjoy it.  See Here.  No really, read that article because it is hilarious!  I've been laughing for ten minutes. 

I'm flattered but no thanks!

Whomever referred me to the National Association of Professional Women...why?!!?!?  While I am flattered that you think so highly of me it is not a free thing.  It is an expensive thing.  And while I do well in my profession, LIKE HELL am I going to pay $900+ annually.  Sorry.  Apparently there are lower "memberships" but you don't get all the perks.  But $700+, yea no.  How about $99 for 6 months or a year, what part of NO are you not getting?!?  Can I just say one thing...one thing...CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENED!!!  I know some people have money to burn but hitting peeps up for hundreds of dollars at this time of year seems kind of jerk-ish.  Especially those who might be sensitive to the fact that they NEED to pay to meet people.  Ya know, alone during the holidays...sure I'll pay $900 for a membership so I can go to free seminars *face palm*.  Who knows, it could be beneficial for some but to me it sounds like a HUGE waste of money...

Well you know what, I am not that desperate for networking.  LinkedIn seems to be working just fine for me and I am not exactly shy.  Reserved yes but not shy.  So I am good...thanks.  At least I can get the "free" membership but I was told its not very good.  Eh, whatever. 

In other news why the hell is my facebook suggesting this page???

I am neither a parent nor a young girl getting her first period.  And am I reading that right....is that website called Helloflo?!!?  That my friend is kind of genius.  Also..."skip the party and go straight to the kit"...is that a thing now?  Do people throw "happy first period parties"?!?!  Cause I was not given that nor would I have wanted that when I was a young girl.  I would have died.  Who wants to celebrate womanhood.  It sucks.  Welcome to the party homey, you get to bleed once a month for at least the next 30 years.  After I screamed because I thought I was DYING, all I got was a sympathetic look from my mom, I was handed a giant maxi pad that reminded me of a diaper, and told "good luck". Side note, I knew it was coming but you try being a 13 year old waking up in a puddle of blood. 

But look at the girl...look at her!  She looks TERRIFIED.  I feel like this is one of those hostile situations where we should want to save the little one but must be cautious to not anger the soccer mom trying to "hold on to her youth" via the daughter.  Oh God, what if she's like a shapeshifter or alien or some other monster drawn to the young one because of her, um, cycle.  Someone call the Winchesters!!!

I think I need to stop watching TV....

Hey Doc, it hurts when I move...

...well dear, don't move. *face palm*

Easier said than done.  In case you were wondering it is nearly impossible to NOT use your abdominal muscles.  I mean you can try to be a human blob but EVERYTHING requires your core...including breathing (and peeing)!

So I had this thing done to help with other things...and now I am wondering what the F**K I was thinking because now I am in a constant state of OOOOWWWWW.   

It's been almost a week.  I was told to "take it easy" for a few days, don't use the abs but then I could go back to most of my routine just no heavy lifting or sexy time.  Ooooookkkkkaaaaayyyyy, easy peasy right...WRONG! So, so wrong and people just don't seem to understand my issues.

1.  I look like death.  I am pale and bruised.  Pale because God only knows.  Bruised from all the flipping needles.  Shots, IVs, taking blood (TWICE)...take your pick. 

2.  Every movement requires conscious thought.  I rolled on my side in my sleep the other night and woke myself up moaning in pain.  

3.  The doc only said a few days with limited activity so no one seems sympathetic to my whole moving hurts mantra...or the if you touch me I will punch you then writhe in pain because punching requires ab use.  Yes a few days to be a blob but the recovery is 4-6 weeks!!!  So get that through your head people, I may be moving but I am not okay.  I am very, very far from okay. 

4.  My insides feel like they were scrapped with a dull blade.  Because they WERE!  Okay maybe not a dull blade...maybe a laser BUT it still effing hurts, okay?!?!

5.  I coughed yesterday and thought I was going to die.  I was like this is it, I am going to rupture something because I have a tickle in my throat.  Goodbye cruel world. 

6.  Today I sneezed and I thought my uterus came out of my belly button.  Hmmm that can't be normal. Oh well, lets take another pain pill *manic laughter*.

7.  3 days after it I needed a shower (and was allowed to take one), "cat baths" weren't working.   I had no help.  I got the "well what do you want me to do bathe you?" Um actually yes that would be great seeing as MOVING effing hurts!  Whatever, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and also makes me want to nut punch you so you are in an equal amount of pain.

8.  5 days after the thing I had a sharp pain.  Like I was stabbed, repeatedly in the same spot.  Sitting, I was good.  Standing, laying flat and breathing, FML.  I burst into tears because I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  Do you know what I got...ZERO sympathy.  I mean absolutely none.  I got a "you should be extra careful driving to work".  Um what?  "If it gets worse call the doctor".  Well DUH!  Can't I get a little sympathy?!?!  I am not a needy person but a "there, there" would have been AMAZING!  By the way, it is trapped air.  Not gas...air trapped in my abdomen that has no where to go.  I have to wait for my body to "re-absorb" it...YAY :P

9.  Ya know what, F**k all you people.  God help me if I need a c-section for any future kids...I may have to ask my mom to move in until I am recovered.  She seems to be the only one that "gets it".
      a. If I hear one more, "what do you mean walking is uncomfortable" or "its just walking, how 
         bad can it be?" I may go postal.  This is not my hubs by the way.

10.  My poor animals are so confused.  They don't understand why mommy wont let them near her.  I mean, I go all ninja on them if one even looks like they may want to touch me, which by the way requires a quick motion and usually ends with my writhing in pain. The little cat wanted to play the night of the thing and decided the best way to get my attention was to bonsai off the back of the couch onto my stomach.  To say I screamed is an understatement.  She ran and I didn't see her again for almost two days.  Now they both carefully touch me to let me know they want to cuddle.  Smart little boogers. 

Anyway, the thing is I blame the peeps that spoke to my "caregiver" after the thing.  I was out of it...I remember very little.  They were great, don't get me wrong, I just don't think they quite explained what was going to happen very well.  Yes, I needed to lay low for a few days and he got that but for weeks after I was going to be recovering.  Meaning I can't do what I normally do.  Not just "heavy lifting" and no "sexy time".  It should have been more, "trust your body.  If it feels wrong, don't do it."  Which I swear I heard someone say but I can't recall.  I really can't be active...my insides are still healing and I am constantly exhausted.   If I do too much too fast, I'll be worse for wear.  So yes, that includes cutting up a veggie and putting it in the microwave.  It hurt a$$hole.  I am not being whiny!  Using my abs hurts and unfortunately that includes almost everything at the moment, including BREATHING. 

P.S. Thank God I have a semi high tolerance for pain.  I'd be drugged 24/7 otherwise. 

I am surrounded by negativity...this cannot be good for my health

I just cannot get away from it lately.  I am a positive person most days.  I mean we all have down in the dumps days but I try to stay positive. 

I've always heard that if you surround yourself with positivity or negativity it will bleed into your life.  I never really used to hold any truth to that but now I am not so sure.  I find that the more upbeat and happy I try to be the more people try to bring me down.  Not everyone in my life, like my close friends for example are extremely positive and supportive.  This also goes for some of my family...notice I said SOME. 

Then there are those persons that just never say anything positive.  Examples:

Me:  Hey, how's your day? *big smile*. 
Others: Well I barely got any sleep last night because I had "tummy" problems.  So I am exhausted.  I spent the night in the bathroom.  I think it was the *insert not so healthy food*.  *insert lots of talk about gas*. 
Me: Maybe you shouldn't eat....*death glare from other person* never mind. 

Me:  Good morning!
Others: I wish my dog was still alive.  He really kept me company. 
Me: So not a good morning

Me: Hey :)
Others: Did you hear so and so died?  All my friends are dying.  I could die.  *sigh*  Oh and _____ has terminal _______. 
Me: I, uh, wow...sorry. 

Me:  Soooo how ya been??? 
Others: Did you know my house is falling apart?  He left me in this house, its all his fault.
Me: *face palm*

Me: Hi, hey hey!
Others: This country is going down the shitter.  This president is ______.  The youth of today just don't understand how to survive.   By the time you have kids we will be in another depression, I hope I am dead.
Me:  Ummmm, sooooo....

I know its not that bad but this is ALL the time.  Mind you the dog passed 2 years ago and the "he" left 28 years ago... I try to be supportive but I just can't deal sometimes.  Me *happy, yay* them *doom, gloom*  Honestly it makes me not want say anything anymore. 

I feel like I am in that scene from Robin Hood: Men in Tights:

Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes...
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while...
[Remembers]
Blinkin: Oh, you were away!
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?


I think my favorite is when I talk about babies.  Peeps are all yay, you want kinds.  *immediately goes into story about their experience*.  Which happens to be kind of awful most of the time.  I mean I am trying to get pregnant and people are telling me how hard it is, how everyone has a touch of endometriosis which can cause problems, how many miscarriages they had, how I am "older", how if we've been trying for more than ____ months there is a problem, how we are clearly infertile because it hasn't happened yet, etc, etc, etc.  I am assuming you mean well (I guess) but these are NOT what you should be telling someone who wants to get pregnant!  You should be spouting positive things not the realm of impossibilities.  Leave those diagnoses to DOCTORS! 

But these negative things are starting to affect me.  I find myself being VERY negative about the possibility of  a little one. Like I have somewhat convinced myself that something is seriously wrong with my lady parts so I shouldn't expect to have a wee wittle one.  That is sad.  It is.  I should not feel this way!  But when it is beat into your head ALL THE TIME from well meaning people then you start to believe it.  I get it...making a baby isn't easy but you could at least try to say something that wont send me into a fit of anxious tears as soon as I am alone.  Also the constant barrage of "yo, why aren't you preggo yet???" isn't helping.  I don't know.  It is not for lack of trying!  I don't mind being asked that is fine but when the same people ask over and over and over.  I am like dude, working on it! That is a pet peeve.  If you know someone who is "trying" do not keep asking them if they are...just wait.  They told you they are trying...reminding them EVERY TIME you see them that they still aren't with child can be annoying. 

I guess I am just tired of people trying to dull my sparkle.  Its like the darkness in them sees how bright my light is shining and is determined to drown it into inky blackness.  STAHP! I like being bright and lighthearted but it is becoming harder and harder to be that way.  I've always been told misery loves company, I guess I never realized how true those words were.  *sigh* I only wish those that are so miserable weren't persons I have to be around regularly.