Was that a f **king slug?!?!

 So down here in the deep south we are in the pollening season. 

Which means everyone is sneezy, itchy, and gross.  Even if you don't have "allergies" the pollen wages war.  Normally its doesn't get me too bad but if I am going to be in nature for a long period of time I take an allergy pill as a precaution.  

The other day in the garden I was viciously attacked by nature.  I was fighting with some giant weed from hell when suddenly in came loose, threw me on my butt, and covered my in a layer of yellow.  I had plant spunk all over my face, hair, chest, and arms.  

I "dusted" myself off and finished my chore.  After showering I kept feeling a sniffle but nothing major. That night we went out to dinner as a treat.  While waiting for the hubs to finish ironing his shirt, I kept feeling like I needed to blow my nose but nothing really came out.  

So we are sitting at this nice-ish restaurant and I'm like, I need to blow my nose.  So I go to the ladies room.  There were other people in there so I didn't want to blow obnoxiously.  Some...funk came out (whoohoo) but my right sinus still felt weird.  I went back out to continue with dinner.  As we are enjoying our appetizer I again can feel something weird in my face so I go back to the ladies room.  

This time no one was in there so I went full force with the blow.  I felt an immense pressure release from my right sinus and come out my nose.  

But yay, success!

When I pulled the tissue away something slingshotted back into my nose.

I blew again and again when I pulled the tissue away it shot back in. 

I blew a third time and....ya know this is gonna get even more TMI, feel free to stop reading....

So third time, and I "grabbed" before I stopped blowing.  As I slowly pulled the tissue away I felt...

I felt something sliding down my nasal cavity.  

I am staring at myself in the mirror saying 

"Oh my god, oh my god"

"what the f**k is that"

"What is happening, what is happening"

"Oh god!"

Finally whatever it is slides all the way out into the tissue, and bounces.  

It is a opaque white/yellow, 2" long, fairly wide....wad of...SNOT!  It looked like glue or something!

So I am just staring in disgusted curiosity at what I just extracted from my nostril when I hear:

"hey, that kinda looks like the slime my grandkids play with"

I about jump 10' in the air.  There is a 4' tall little old lady next to me.  I have no idea where she came from or how long she's been there but she is also staring at my extraction.  

She patted me on the shoulder, "I bet you feel much better now, don't you suga" and then wandered off laughing into one of the stalls. 

I stood there horrified and embarrassed for two more seconds before I tossed the tissue, washed my hands, and returned to dinner.  

I have had some pretty gross things happen when I am sick but this was by far the strangest...and I'm not even SICK!

It looks so ANGRY!

Seriously, that looks hella pissed!   But truthfully it doesn't hurt.  It itches like a Mother F**ker, but isn't painful.

I do look like I have some sort of highly contagious disease though.  I mean its not contagious at all.  But try explaining that to people you don't know, who have been drinking...quite a bit. 

I looked so hot in my fancy dress with my make-up and hair did.  I tried to hide it but I talk with my hands so numerous people were like "OMG what's wrong with your arm?!?!".   Plus I was in a room full of Doctors and Nurses so everyone had a remedy or diagnosis, even though I said "Its poison ivy.  It isn't infected.  It doesn't hurt.  I am fine.". 

Side Note - Is it just me or does it look like a pissed off red sperm imprint. 

Plants are sentient...I for one welcome our new vegetation overlords...

So I love to garden, right?  Well we are trying to move so we are ramping up the look of our house.  This just means my normal spring gardening just got 10 times more difficult.  I always do a spring clean up but when you are going for pleasing aesthetics you go a little more over the top.

Step one prune back the monster bushes that have taken over the garden.

As I've stated in the past these things went through a flood and ever since have become enormous.  I trim them WAY back every year...multiple times and they grow right back to their mutant state.  My only conclusion is some nutrient in the water from FIVE YEARS AGO changed them somehow.  Its like Radioactive Miracle Gro or something.

Anyways, as I was hacking away at the shrubbery I realized something....it was fighting back!!!!

1.  I was slapped in the face on more than one occasion by "rogue" branches.  

2.  I kept getting caught on branches, that refused to let me go

3.  My shears and saw kept getting ripped from my hands by stubborn shrubbery

4.   I was attacked (or just scared $hitless) by wasps, bumble bees, ants, beetles, doodle bugs, skinks, lizards, baby snakes (non-venomous), spiders (non-venomous), BIRDS....shall I keep going?!?!?!

5.  A plant sneezed on me.  No really...as I was chopping away at one of the shrubs it erupted into a cloud of yellow pollen.  It was like the f**king thing went "ah choo *pahahaha*" in my face! 

 

Basically, I was covered in plant jizz! *ewwwwww*

6.  And this is the kicker.  I am VERY careful in the garden.  Anything with 3 leaves or red vines I steer clear of.  Yet 3 days after playing in my garden...I have a blistery red rash on one arm.  WTF?!?!?!!?  F**k you poison ivy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am a sneezy itchy mess and I have a fancy dress party in one day.  Just shoot me now *sobbing*.

I thought the saying was "light a fire under their @$$" not "light a fire under their arms"

Sooooooo I think I have stated before I have "Weird Skin".  Meaning it is normal 99% of the time but that 1% can be brutal. 

I don't have "sensitive skin" all the time.  I wear Bath & Body Works lotions.  I wear various makeup brands.  I wear perfume & body splash.  I use regular shampoos, conditioners, and hair dyes.  I use various body washes in the shower.  I use Purex laundry detergent.  All with ZERO issues. 

But I've discovered, there are some RANDOM things I cannot use. 


It all came to a horrible, horrible head yesterday.  I am a product reviewer.  I get free samples ALL THE TIME.  One of my free samples tried to kill me...okay that's a bit dramatic...but it definitely caused me some pain & suffering. 

I got a deodorant sample.  Secret (I've used this brand before in gel form) Clinical Strength Smooth Solid Antiperspirant Deodorant (I've not used that before).  I prefer the solids to the gels which is why I got away from Secret in the first place.  Since it was clinical strength, I thought using it before Zumba would be the perfect test.  Right?!?!

Anyways, I put it on, no issues.  I got to class, no issues.  I started sweating, "Houston, we have a problem".   It felt like someone was rubbing sandpaper under my arms.  "Hmmm that is an odd sensation". 

I kept dancing.  It started to get really uncomfortable but I didn't want to look because I was in a room full of people and it would look like I was smelling my pits.  Suddenly the world went RED.  It felt like a match was being held under each pit.  "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"...."This girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire, this girl is on fiiiuuuuuuure". 

At this point I had 15 min left of class.  I grabbed my stuff and BOLTED.  I did not pass Go, I did not collect $200, I jumped in my car and went home.  They probably thought I $hit myself or something...

I wear tanks to workout, so when I got home I ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror.  Oh God...oh...they looked so angry!!! 

I had bright red, puffy patches under each arm and they were sizzling.  Well they felt like they were sizzling.  I jumped in the shower and soaped up. 

It hurt soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. 


Cold water "owww"

Warm water "owwwwwww"

Soap *screeeeech* "are you f**king kidding me?!?! Was that acid or Dove?!!??!". 

I finally finished and toweled off...VERY CAREFULLY.  I didn't want to put my Dove Deodorant on with them being all "F**k you b**ch" and red.  So I put on Rx strength Hydrocortisone Cream, "Oh...oh that feels MUCH better." I added some baby powder because the skin was raw and enraged.  It still hurt like a mofo but they weren't "sizzling" anymore. 

I have no idea what ingredient I am allergic to but something clearly pissed off my skin.  But only when I started sweating sooooo it must be whatever activates for "wetness"....I guess.  Whatever it was I can't use it again...I will just stick to Dove...thanks. 

P.S. They are much better this morning.  Still irritated but MUCH better.