I mean it's clear like water

So we are in our reconnect with our High School Friends era.  Which honestly is f**king great.  I love it.  

Every year there is an event (chicks only) where everyone gets together from all years and throws down.   It's a great time. 

There's food, drinks, talking, pics, dancing...everything. 

I am a seasoned adult...as in I know how much I can/should drink.  But sometimes...you forget that just because it's clear doesn't mean you can drink multiple glasses of it!

We had a great time.  My glass was never empty...the problem was it wasn't water...it was vodka tonic. 

We talked for hours, dropped it like it was hot and took the most ridiculous pics and videos.  We even went OUT after.  What the actual hell were we thinking?!?!!?

Anyways I was fine...until I wasn't.  I was fully functional all night after multiple drinks...until the car ride home.

I wasn't like "I'm gonna vomit" bad but when I got out the car...the world went sideways. 

I'll show you in gifs. 

So I ended up with a busted knee.  Bleeding like a stuck pig. My drunk @$$ besties laughing their @$$e$ off as they try to stop the bleeding. My friends boyfriend coming out and being like "she good...ok going back to bed".  We were laughing so hard because it wouldn't stop bleeding!!!!!  Too much alcohol + scraped knee = murder scene. Hubs picked me up and asked me what happened.  I literally said "well I got out the car and then there was the ground"

Lawd help him, he loves me hahaha.  

Such an angry little weiner

Why are the smallest dogs the most aggressive?!?!?

I've run across all varieties of dogs.  But by far the most insane are usually less than 10 lbs!!!!!!

I was riding my bike singing (in my head) and just enjoying the lovely evening when suddenly some black streak of nothing comes running at me from the other side of the street.  It was jerked back by the lead and stood barking from the tire of SUV parked across the street. 

I "eeped" and then busted out laughing.  It was a TEENY TINY dachshund.  

He was barking his head off but couldn't get to me because he was tethered.  There were two guys working on another vehicle in the driveway cracking up laughing. 

I continued my ride, I still had more than halfway to go!  As I was making my way back home I forgot about the 10 lb terror.  

This time as I was coming back I happened to be on the same side of the street as him.  As I passed he ran out and stopped CENTIMETERS from my tire.  I literally screamed.  Like Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween, scream queen SCREAMED.

Then giggled like a maniac because it was a itty bitty ankle biter but he was tethered.  His owner(s) were making fun of him.  When suddenly that clever mother f**ker shimmied out of his f**king harness.  My giggles turned to "oh $hit!" as I pedaled away with a tiny terrorist hot on my wheel.  

Meanwhile the owner who is probably in his mid fifties and while fit-ish, had a beer belly came RUNNING after us screaming "get back here you @$$hole *derogatory term for short people*!!!".  Then "Don't stop, he might actually bite!!!"

So I kicked it into high gear trying to make sure I didn't run over my new little fiend.  

I was wrestling a velociraptor

Surprise surprise, I got injured. So I somehow have "tennis" elbow.  

1. I do not play tennis

2. I do not lift weights

3. Whhhhyyyy

About a month and a half ago I noticed it hurt when I picked up my yeti.  The heck?!?!

At first I thought I was imagining it but it got worse and worse.  So I googled it and DAMMIT it's totally "tennis" elbow.  I got an arm band thingy with the "knob" that pushes into your arm.  It's hard to explain but if you google tennis elbow treatment, you'll see one.  

It helped a lot, along with not using my arm...which is difficult because I AM RIGHT HANDED!!!

But I still didn't know what I did.  After some reflection....I realized...I injured myself by OVER USING my arm while using my new Steam Cleaner.  OMG I am so old....

Of all the stupid ways to get hurt. I am NOT telling people this!!!!!

Well It got better so about a week ago...I used it again.  Ya know...the cleaner.  OW!!!!!!!!!!  

I am back in pain.  Can't use my arm...much.  And now I have a SLEEVE.  Like one of those old people copper compression things.  

Well with the sleeve its WAY more noticeable so people are like OMG what happened?!?  

And I don't want to be like "I got a little too aggressive cleaning" but like what am I supposed to say.  

People are trying to guess.  So far

"OMG did you fall off your bike?!?!"

"Too much 3rd Base with the hubs?"

"Which dog is an @$$hole??"

"Sleep wrong?"

"How drunk were you.....?"

"Wait do you play tennis??"

"5lb weights were too much weren't they?"

Alas, nothing so interesting...so I've started coming up with ridiculous things.  

"I joined a trapeze group."

"Too many one armed pull-ups"

"Arm wrestled a kangaroo"

"Water Ballet with Alligators"

"Aliens"

"This one time at band camp..."

You get the picture.  I told my cousin the real reason and she's made fun of me for the last week.  

Whatchu mean that's not your Natural Hair Color?!??!

You don't realize how unique we are until you are speaking with someone not from NOLA who has never been to Mardi Gras about things happening here. 

- saying I need to sign off early to get to the store before they close the roads

- saying i need to leave early because a float is stuck on the interstate and its a mess

- Explaining what "Deep Gras" is

- saying I am so excited to catch a shoe

    - Posting pics of said shoe and having people go "where did they buy that?!?!?"

        - Newsflash...they made them!!!

- Saying I need to find my tutu

- Saying I don't know which wig to wear tonight

    - Them Being shocked when I say I have more than one

- Saying I bought glitter from an 8 y/o who made her own glitter making business

- Saying we have to make a sign for our friends riding

- Trying to explain its a NEUTRAL GROUND!!!!!

    -also trying to explain why there is "beef" between Sidewalk Side and Neutral Ground Side

- Saying I need my ladder

- Trying to explain why Purple, Green and Gold do actually go together

- Trying to explain I probably get more steps during Mardi Gras than I do during a half. 

-Also trying to explain its a MARATHON.  this year its 8 straight days of parades and partying

    - My body will probably hate me Wednesday but it will be a good time. 

I'm sure there are more but I have so confused my poor co-workers. 

I can't see in the dark!!!

So somehow, someway someone convinced me to join a DnD campaign.  I have nothing against DnD.  But in all my years I have NEVER played.  I understand the basics... roll for initiative...20 Sided Die, etc etc. 

So now I am a Sorceress....who can't see in the dark.  Which is apparently weird but I didn't know what I was doing and here we are!

Anywhos during the 1st "battle" we are fighting Goblins.   Now mind you my nerd@$$ has been drinking because that's what adults who play DnD do. 

I'm on like my 3rd glass of wine and my "inept" Sorceress f**cking nails the Goblin in the head in one shot.  Suck it jerks!

Well the remaining Goblin "flees" down the path and my team is like "We should follow it". I'm like naw that ain't our job.  We were hired to get the loot to the city!!!  So obvi we are gonna follow it and I'm like "I'll only go if I get to meet the Goblin King!!!"

Slowly giggles...then full belly laughter!   

So I clarify "Wait! By Goblin King I mean Jareth...and by Jareth I mean David Bowie's Version!!!!"

The DM is dying and says "If you keep saying stuff, I'm gonna make you do it!"

Oh nooos please don't make me meet David Bowie's Goblin King!

So someone says "so would that make you a Goblin or like a Goblin Princess????"

And I'm like "Ma'am I would be his Goblin Queen all day long!"

I thought it was a pool boy?

So lately work has been just a beating.  I have multiple projects that are consuming my life along with normal day to day so I am slightly short tempered. With that said the other day I was standing at my counter with my laptop trying to help with phones.  90% of the time the pups are quiet but if someone comes to the door all bets are off.  

Well the doorbell rang and thankfully my customer just laughed and said his dogs are the same.  I ignored it and figured whomever it was (probably someone promoting a candidate in the upcoming election) would get the hint and leave.  I managed to quiet them down so I could finish helping him but about 2-3 min later I hear a light knock on the door.  I was off the phone but was like for f**ks sake go away!

I opened the door ready to unleash hell on the door to door campaign person I assumed it was when a very attractive young man turned around and smiled.  I stopped pre-fuss with a dog poking her head between my legs and kinda open mouthed blankly stared. He caught me off guard because he was fit-ish, tall, in scrubs and had a messenger bag, no flyers or signs.  The folllowing hilarity happened next.

Me: Uh....Hi....can I help you?

Him: *with a confidant and happy smile* I'm here for your Physical Therapy

Me: Uhhhh no

Him: Yes, didn't your Doctor call?

Me: *confused stare*

Him: *still smiling* For your back.  

Me: What address are you looking for?

Him: You aren't Miss Smith....are you....?

Me: *trying not to laugh* No...I think you are looking for my neighbor....she's older and fell recently.  

Him: *Smile drops* Oh....oh that makes more sense...okay...um can you point me in the right direction

Poor guy clearly didn't read his patient's age or he thought it was a typo and was super happy to have a semi young and attractive patient.  I'm not being cocky!  He seemed just as shocked by my appearance & smiled and I did have on makeup & my hair was fixed....for once. 

But all I could think about after he said "I'm here for your Physical Therapy" was who sent me a stripper ?!?!?! Or ya know...those...uh....movies... "I'm here to clean your pool" *bow chica bow wow* and about died laughing.  

Did I do drugs and forget that I did drugs resulting in active hallucinations...?

What the hell did I just watch?!?!! 

I was thinking "oh cute kids movie" but ended up questioning mating rituals of intellectually advanced animals and contemplating the "rules" of their society.

I mean seriously though, you see this and go "okay that looks fun".  I thought it was like a Hare who was scared of everything...hence the "chicken" 

Then you get into the 1st like 10 min and wait what...?

He has chicken legs and and random feathers and you go....how is this combination even possible?!?!?

Mind you it was effing ADORABLE and I really did enjoy it but my weird @$$ brain was trying to picture how a Chicken and a Hare could (in theory) um...mate successfully, producing offspring. 

Plus I feel like if in nature that were to happen it would not be nearly as cute...

Then a few days later my childhood was flipped upside down...

Wait wait wait...?

WHAAAAT?!?!

I am all for to each their own but I am again...how.....she's a mouse....he's a.... he's a fly.... the visual....

I'm sure there is a deeper meaning and I am all for it but my logical brain is stuck on how it would anatomically work. 

Send help, I am over thinking cartoon mating and offspring....

Who me...?

 

So we were at an "event".  Like a small socially distant event.  But not like something you would dress up for...or look even close to your best.  To be honest I probably looked a little like death.  No makeup and very little sleep.  

As per our usual we were taking photos.  On the way out we saw there was a backdrop to take pics in front of.  One of my girls and I were about to selfie when I heard someone say "please let me".  When I looked up there was this stupidly attractive guy.  He kinda looked like a cross between Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Hemsworth.  Not tall but extremely cute with crystal blue eyes and a full beard.  Um okay....sure.

So I gave him my phone to snap a couple pics.  This turned into a 10 min, multiple picture photo shoot.  

"okay now you do this"

"Now look that way"

"No masks, lets see those pretty smiles"

We were cracking up.  He was CLEARLY having a good time making us giggle. Then my husband walked up.  He froze for a split second and was like

"we need you in there, sir, get in the middle"

So many more pics but not quite as silly.  He smiled almost shyly and handed me back my phone. 

It was one of those rainy days so we bolted to our vehicle to go home.  When we got to the car my girl was like "I don't know which one of us he was flirting with but he was obviously flirting with us...right?!"

Yes ma'am 100%.  Hubs was like, I can't leave y'all alone for 5 min. 

When I looked at the pics they were great!  We looked so naturally happy because he was making us laugh.  There were close ups of both of us individually and together.  Some with our heads back cracking up or bent over belly laughing. 

So I am not sure if he was hitting on one of us or just a really nice, funny guy but he made our day.  Plus did I mention he was really really cute so I guess if he was flirting, we were flattered.

They see me rollin'

On a happier note in this time of insanity I am a weirdo!

So since I have a serious case of cabin fever, I try to "get out" as much as possible NOT WITH PEOPLE at parks or in groups.  Usually in my back yard or I run in my hood while all the families are eating dinner.  It's awesome, there is like no one out and about.  But it sucks because no one is out and about.

Now I live in a safe area, I'd like to think but running the streets ALONE during the apocalypse is f**king creepy!  It's like walking around in  I am legend...

I keep waiting for Zombies on speed to come running out of the shadows, and then I remember....I am not that fast!  An 11 min mile is decent but not a Cheetah Zombie pace!!!

Today I decided to ride my bike instead.  I am faster on a bike, ha!  So I put one ear bud in (safety 1st) and went on my way.  Now I look like your typical soccer mom.  I am not a mom nor do I attend soccer games but I am a small-ish suburban blonde 30 something in Lululemon knockoffs and Nikes. 

Not my pic

So imagine as I rolled through my 'hood jamming to some...interesting music. I looked like a modern day Donna Reed singing "I got my twin glock .40s, cocked back. Me and my homies, so drop that"...

Anyways, as I came around the corner and saw one of our elderly neighbors on her porch and I realized singing "Hold up, wait up, shorty. "Oh aw wazzup, get my d**k sucked, what are you doin'?"" Was probably something I should stop doing while looking like....

I mean she couldn't have heard me...right...

I am hoping her hearing aids were off...

Show us your V!

No no not that one....although thanks 🙊

Wait....On second thought...NM....

So scrolling Facebook and I see this:

I...what...? So I kept watching...I couldn't look away.....

WTF?!?!😂

I'm sure there's a cream for that....

Oooo kinky

Ewwww.....but I mean its summer....

You may need some penicillin.....or unscented soap!!!

Ugh the WORST!

This marketing is SPOT ON.  I legit stopped what I was doing to watch this 😹

BRILLIANT!  Why are we so scared to say the "V" word?!?  Your hoohah needs love too.
Go check 'em out.  They actually have some neat products.  queenvlife.com. 

Dammit Barry, I had plans this weekend!!!!

Living in the South we learn to deal with hurricanes.  We prepare, we "hunker down" (GAH!), we drink, and we clean up.  

Barry (also known as a mother f**ker) took his sweet @$$ time making his way here...freaking everyone the hell out with all that "30 inches of rain" bull$hit, only to go poof basically.  

Don't get me wrong...some $hit went down and people lost some belongings and my heart goes out to them.  In my area it was 3 days BEFORE landfall.  I'm not even sure it was part of the "storm".  But for all the crazy being shown on National TV you woulda thought ALL of Louisiana was under water *rolling eyes*.  So for my sanity (and because we all drank a lot being in doors for almost 3 days)....here are my fav memes from the storm that never really was. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end know we are funny as hell down here.  We take $hit seriously but if we don't laugh we all go a lil cray cray.  *cheers*