Paranoia paranoia everybody's coming to get me.......................

Ahhhhhhahahaaha!  Also, the plush Dalek sold it for me.  Look I get it, the government is watching (talk about fiction becoming reality).  But think about this...they've been doing it for years, we are now only more aware of it because of Wikileaks and Snowden and stuff like that.  Guess the guys with the foil hats had a point...

So while I do not fancy being spied on in my own home how do we prevent it...?  Are you going to get rid of all electronics with mics and webcams?  I mean I kinda can but I won't.  I did unplug Alexa but that is because I have a playful spirit talking to her and freaking me the F**K out.

No really she came on the other day when I was sitting on the couch...alone...with no TV or music on while reading a book.  She said something like, "I remember it like it was yesterday.  There were clouds in the sky and I could hear the surf from the ocean...."  ALEXA STOP!  WTF is happening???  Was she doing an audio book??? So yea she got unplugged...

I don't have any smart TVs, I unplugged Alexa, our cameras are outside, I keep a bandaid over my webcam (not because of the government...because my ex is an IT genius and he all but told me he could watch me through my computer without me knowing - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!), and our phones are usually in the other room...not because of paranoia but because we are trying to pay attention to each other when we are home.

Now if someone really wants to listen/watch us having wild monkey sex on the couch because we can, more power to you...just be sure to Photoshop my flaws and blur out my face before you show it to anyone else.

K thanks bye

Hey, what ya doin' up there...? How'd you get your leg that high? OMG what's he doing to you?!?! I may need a closer look....

Things that my 6 month old puppy says in her head...

I've had dogs my whole life. 

I've had dogs and cats since being an adult and living on my own.  Every animal I've had as an adult hid during sexy time.......

........except one.  He was a special boy.  He was a Rottie and he really wanted to get a closer look and/or lick my husbands butt-cheek...ya know just to see him jump ten feet in the air.  But he never got in the bed/on the couch...he didn't have to, nor did he stick around for long.  He was 90lbs and tall...he just picked his head up to look. 

My current little pup seems to be like him.  She is VERY curious what is happening.  But she doesn't just do the creepy watch from a distance. 

Noooooo not her.  She jumps in the bed and tries to get a closer look at the action.  I've never had my @$$hole licked (CREEEEEEEPY!)...until we adopted her. JFC dog, not cool! She was promptly kicked out of the room.  Usually we catch her before she gets too close BUT sometimes when things are really good, you may not notice and suddenly you have a furry head on your bare breasts or something (that isn't your partner) licking your ear hole.

Last night though was probably the funniest moment thus far.  Things were going...quite well so we didn't notice her jump up in the bed.  THANKFULLY its chilly so we were under the covers.  I felt a pressure against my side but I didn't really pay attention to it.  Then suddenly I hear the loudest sigh/moan/groan I have ever heard come from such a small dog.  She was laying down, pressed up against me...and apparently very annoyed that we were NOT paying attention to her, I guess.  The look on her face........

..........we both burst into a fit of giggles...and kicked her off the bed.

After we were done, I looked to my right and burst out laughing again.  She was sitting on the floor glaring at us with her ears back like we'd just offended her ancestors or something. 

I've never dealt with this before...is it pure curiosity...is it a type of jealousy...is it just a weird dog who doesn't understand what's happening...?

Seriously, Drugs are bad, mmmkay (how many times do I have to say this?!?!)

So I was sitting in bumper to bumper NOT MOVING traffic listening to KKITM when I noticed a Police vehicle on the other side of the highway.  The officer was out of his vehicle talking to a lady.  I didn't see her vehicle so I thought maybe she'd run off the road and it was in the woods. 

Then I looked closer... she had on a bright colored t-shirt....and that's it.  I thought maybe she had booty shorts on but the t-shirt wasn't that long.  Then I thought flesh colored tights but I mean it looked like bare skin. 

That's about when I realized the officer was trying to get her attention and she was looking everywhere BUT at him.  Oh my, what is going on over there.  He was snapping his fingers and moving to get in her line of sight but she was clearly laughing her @$$ off and looking all around.  At least she seemed happy.  This is when she did the funniest and stupidest thing ever. 

She "booped" him on the nose.  I was horrified and amused at the same time (police officers don't like to be touched by someone they are probably going to arrest). 

Nose boops are sweet.  They are cute.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaw

But their "boop" was more like....

You could tell even from the distance that he was trying so hard not to laugh.  Then the poor dear just started spinning in circles on the shoulder of the HIGHWAY. 

We started moving so I didn't see what happened but I am 99% sure she ended up in cuffs in the back of the cruiser.  Bless her heart, she was HIGH AS A KITE. Honey, it is 8:15AM on a Thursday!!!!

For real though, I hope she is okay.  Glad the officer got to her; that is a BUSY highway, she could have been hurt or killed....

Alcohol is bad, mmmkay

Okay not bad.  I am partaking in wine as I type this.  Over indulging in alcohol is bad...weeeeeeeeell, I say bad.  Its more annoying to those who are not as inebriated.  Look most of us have had that drunken moment(s) where we annoyed others.  So I get it.  I am very tolerant, especially if it is someone I care about. 

Fooosball is about to start, so we have this preseason stuff gong on, right?  Right.  It is very normal to partake in beer consumption before, during, and after games.  I had one BEFORE the game.  Hubs had...more.  Chaos (hilarity) ensued.  First, I didn't realize  how bad off he was till we went to leave and he forgot to put his headlights on...and then giggled.  OUT!  Now!  Put car back in park and exit. 

I'll just list the rest below (my side of the conversation bc its funnier that way):

- Stop touching me.  OMG, leave my zipper alone!  I STG boy I will pull this vehicle over.  NO, not to hump like bunnies in the back! 
- Pick a f**king station.  No...no...I did not mean find Barry White on my phone...*sigh* turn off "lets get it on"!
-  You want taco hell?  You?!?!  Mr. "I hate fast food" wants a Mexican Pizza...?  Okay.....
- Seriously, there are 15 cars in line at Taco Hell at 11PM?!?!  Stay here.  No STAY!  Did you just bark at me?!?!  Ewwwww you licked me!  Just stay, I'm going inside to get food. 
- *5 min later* he's doing the pee pee dance in the car.  OMG, just go...go pee...QUICKLY!
- Help me feed the pups...what are you doing?  Where are your pants????  Ya know what sit here...eat food...I'll do everything else.
- Where is my other taco? You ate it?!?  I hate you right now....
- *he passed out on the couch* Hey, hey!  I'm going shower.  Hey!!!! *shake shake shake* fine...Pups, behave!
- Sweetie, I'm going to bed.  *GRUNT* Okaaaaay...do you want me to take the pups out? *grunt*  right....  I took the dogs out just to be safe
- *20 min later* WTF was that crash?!?!? *runs out of bedroom*.  How...how are you still asleep?!?!!?  Why are all y'all hiding?!?!  WTF did you find?!?!  Hey...come to bed!  Don't yell at me.  FINE! 
- *15 min later* OMG they broke the TV!!!  What are you chasin?!?!!  How did a f**king dragonfly get in?!?!  How are you sleeping through this!?!?  WAKE UP, I need help!!!  You should come to bed so the animals stop freaking out.  Hey....sweetie come to bed.  Holy $hit you almost punched me.  *shaking him roughly* Do you just tell me to f**k off?!?!  FINE, I'm out.

I made the SADDEST attempt to catch the dragonfly and lost it....whatever I went back to bed.

- *some time later* why are they barking?!?!  What was that noise??!  Where did you get a shoe?!?  Give me that!  No no no, don't pee inside...dammit!  For f**ks sake WAKE UP!  Y'all stop playing!!!! Are you even alive?!  ARGH!!!!!

- *20 min later* OMG why are they screaming now!?!?!  Dogs shoooooosh! *walks into living room* Come here baby (our puppy is only 8 weeks old) That's it get up!  *slapped his butt* Are you shaking your @$$ at me?!?!?!  OMG...OMG that is rancid *gag* Jesus Christ now I know why its called Taco Hell!  You can stay, we are going to bed.

I finally went to sleep around 1:15AM, he woke me up at 3:30AM coming to bed, bad weather woke me up at 4:15AM, and I had to get up at 5AM.  Needless to say I was dragging @$$. 

SIDE NOTE - I sent passive aggressive texts to my love to document my adventures.  They were actually quite funny...see below.  Also I should note, I couldn't just put the puppy away in her kennel bc she knew he was on the couch and would scream and if she screamed speedy howled...and I was flipping tired.

TEXT 1:
There's a dragon fly in the living room.  I only know this because I heard a loud crash after I went to bed.  (This apparently had no affect on your dream state).  All 4 animals were making an attempt to kill it.  I tried to wake you for assistance, not once, not twice, not even three times....we'll go with four.  I lost the stupid thing while trying to catch it.  It's been more than 15 min and I can't find it.  I tried again to wake you and got nothing.  I'm tired too so again I will tell you im going to bed.  So if they break the tv or anything else trying to get that thing don't blame me. 



TEXT 2:
So I just got back from another awakening.  Im not sure how I hear it from the bedroom with the door closed and ear plugs in and you haven't moved.  I can only assume they caught or tried to catch the dragon fly again.  I also attempts to get you to come to bed.  I was rewarded with some unkind words and a grunt.  Am I angry? Yes but only because I'm exhausted and trying to sleep and keep getting awakened by insanity in the living room with zero assistance.  Good Night...or morning...or whatever time it is when you  wake up and see this.




TEXT 3: 
Captains log:  The pups were crying at the gate.  I took Speedy, put her to bed, and left you in the living room to sleep it off.   I've made my final attempt to move you with no luck.  You shook your butt at me and then farted.  Either you are beyond exhausted or had more beer than I realized.  Either way, I'm going to try and get 4 hours of sleep.

SIDE SIDE NOTE - We found the Dragonfly's remains the next morning...guess a cat caught it. 

At what age you do decide, "hey, I'm old enough to be an '@$$hole' to everyone and just not care"

Is it like timed??? Does it just happen one day???  "Oh, I turned 75 time to turn off the filter and let all my thoughts out".

I don't take offense because I am me and I try to not be offended by everything.  But it doesn't make it "okay" because not everyone just rolls with it.  It isn't all "Old" people but a striking majority feel like they can say whatever they want to whomever they want just because they are old and I don't know when that happens but it just does. 

And I'm not talking about the innocent comments where there is a generation gap and they don't realize its inappropriate.  I mean when they say things that everyone...no matter what age...knows is rude.  Its like "I'm over 80 now, I have no more f**ks to give".  It's funny (at least to me) but I can see how it can be damaging to those of a more sensitive nature. 

So I went visit the elders.  I brought treats because I am a good little youngin'.  About 5 minutes after we finished said treats our Matriarch said "Hmmm your tummy is poking out.  Are you sure you're not pregnant..." What on Earth...?!?! "Ummmmm, *trying not to be a sarcastic twit* yes, I am 100% sure.  It's because I just ate a bunch of sweets.  It will go down after I digest and stuff".  Her response...was...  She said "Oh, is that a thing.  You shouldn't eat before you go out on dates then.  People will think you got knocked up".  OMG what?!?!  *hahahaha*  "I am married...I mean we go out on dates but if people thought I was preggo it would be okay...".  Then she said "Well make sure you wear baggy clothes at home so he doesn't think you are getting fat".  Oh good God...tell me how you really feel *hahaha* "Okaaaaay, I'll do that... *trying not to roll eyes lest I get backhanded*".

She didn't mean any harm (I don't think), she just has zero filter.  I know in my heart she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings but some of my other relatives may have taken MAJOR offense to that.  Plus she knows we aren't getting PG but she doesn't know all the annoying details of that not working so you can't fault her there either.  I just don't know when that happens.  My other grandma does it too.  It's like they just say whatever they are thinking without thinking about what they are saying.  I guess after 80+ years you really don't care how PC you are, especially with your goofy family.