It has fur!

That's it. I am so done. Like BEYOND done.  

I had to venture to an office today for meetings.  I do not venture to this place often.  I do not want to venture to this place ever again....

I should have known when I walked in something was wrong.  It smelled stale.  Almost like the air was heavy.

I walked to my desk and started to prep for the day.  When I went to put the laptop down I noticed my wrist rest and mousepad were light green. Hmmm that's weird since they used to be black.  Mind you I'm still caffeinating so it takes my brain a second to process that they are not only green but also appear to have fur.  

OMG its mold!  WTF why is there MOLD only on my wrist thingy and mousepad.  Then I looked closer at my chair.  My chair is a khaki color so the green wasn't immediately noticeable. Upon closer inspection you could see the tiny circles of fur.  

That's when I realized there was also a thin layer on the wood. 

F**k this I am NOT staying in here.  I moved to another empty office.  Once settled I started my day.  

About 2 hours later I was bent over getting something out of my backpack when something on the carpet caught my eye. 

Once my eyes focused I realized it most definitely had legs and...wings (?). OMG its a tiny dead bug who shall not be named!!!!  Then I shifted and saw another, a little further away another. *WTHF WTF* F**K F**K.

I got up and walked around.  That's when I realized there were tiny dead ones ALL OVER THE PLACE!  

The carpet is that weird office carpet that shows basically no stains so they were camouflaged.  Then I saw some in the kitchen and on the stairs and just f**k me!  I know they are dead but COME ON!

I determine I am leaving after my meeting eff this, this is not a safe work environment! The other person there agreed. 

After my meeting I go to use the restroom and good thing I was already on the toilet otherwise I may have pissed myself!  I turned to get some TP and see movement behind me.  

When I look there is a f**king spider the size of my hand just chilling on the wall.  

Now I am not generally scared of spiders but....

I think nature is reclaiming this land.  

That's some Arachnophobia level weirdness

I am not scared of spiders BUT I feel like if I lived in Australia I would develop some sort of phobia.

In case the video fails.... 

At this point I'd have been a bit freaked out...but she got him out....

"Surprise Mother F**ker!!!"  About here I would have $hit a brick

 JFC I saw a movie about this ...it doesn't end well for the person driving

I mean she FINALLY got rid of it. After four days.  I think I would have burned the car...

Yea yea, its a "harmless" spider but STILL!  If it jumped on my face while driving its not so harmless.  

I'm going to be on one of those shows, "I didn't think anything of it until my walls started bleeding".

I know I joke around that things sometimes go wonky in my house but this is starting to get ridiculous. 

Its not everyday or even every week but I can't always explain it away and on occasion it is just damn freaky. 

1.)  So again sitting home...ALONE...at night (no bad weather) when I hear a loud crash come from the back of the house.  Dogs start growling and staring at the hallway.  "Stupid cats... quit being @$$holes..." Suddenly realizing I have all four animals on the couch with me staring.  F**k!  So do I go investigate...or ignore it?  Its not like I have piles of crap that randomly fall over.  Eh, lets just pretend we heard nothing.  About 20 minutes later I hear a scraping sound and pitter patter like dogs nails on the tile (NOT from the attic), definitely coming from the back room and I definitely have all animals accounted for.  So I reluctantly got up to go investigate.  Nothing out of the ordinary...nothing moved...and no I do not have mice/rats/squirrels.  So I curl back up with the fur babies and watch TV.  *Thud* the little one starts howling and the big one is growling and the two cats take off into hiding.  *sobbing internally*  what is in my house?!?!? I refuse to acknowledge the closet or attic.  Hubs can do that later.  The next day we searched EVEY WHERE.  No droppings in the attic or downstairs and nothing chewed on.  Nothing out of place.  Nothing fell in the closet.  I need a Xanax.  Conclusion: I am being haunted by one of my old dogs that passed away............

2.)  The printer is on the fritz again and I don't think its a cat.  I have triple checked it.  The WiFi connection is disabled so no @$$hole neighbors can try to mess with me (I've seen the viral posts).

You have to use a cord to print to it.  Not alone this time but it was night time and very late.  At first you don't realize what it is but you can hear the printer prepping as if it is about to print.  The printer head is darting back and forth.  Sometimes this is all it does and then goes quiet.  No biggie, I guess.  My work one randomly does this also.  But recently it actually prints something.  Well sort of...its a blank sheet, no words, no pictures just white paper. 

It has ink so its not like its out of ink but why is it doing this?!?!  Both our computers are off and not connected to it.  The worst is when it does it at 3AM.  F**k you printer!  Seriously one day I am going to go in there and there is going to be a message and I am going to freak the f**k out.  Conclusion:  Something is trying to make contact through the printer.  OR the printer has actually become self aware and is calling for help...we are in grave danger. 

3.)  The most recent and most disturbing IMO.  So we got one of those Echo Dot things as a gift.  Its cool, except when the commercials come on and you have to say "Alexa, Stop" before she orders flowers for Mildred or whatever.  This crazy contraption will randomly come on and say "I didn't understand your question" or randomly tell us the weather or just weird $hit but we are usually watching TV or talking so we assumed it was picking up on a word and thinking we were saying "Alexa, ______".  Until the other day.  I was home alone.  I had just got up and was making coffee.  The pups were fed and quietly playing on the floor.  The house was dead quiet and I was in the kitchen.  I hear "I'm sorry I didn't understand your request" or something of that nature.  WTF?!??!?!?!?!  So I peeked into the living room...

...and yep still alone.  So I said "Alexa, how's the weather".  She responded.  Hmmmm.  Weird.  I go back to my wake up juice.  "I'm having trouble understanding your request" or something like that.  Okay now I am freaking a bit....

....no one is talking to you dammit! So I quietly count the seconds.  About the 45 second mark I hear "the weather in _____ is...."

That's it I am moving!  So I say "Alexa stop". 

I sit down and am about to turn the TV on.  Speedy starts growling.  The little blue light comes on like she is listening. 

Imagine a shaking cup of coffee instead of jello...

I am done...I unplugged it.  The thing is you have to say "Alexa, " to wake her up.....what is happening?!?!?  Its defective, right?  Tell me its defective!!!  Otherwise something is talking to her!!!!!

Lets pretend Ghosts don't exist....

When the blue light (I know its the red light but Alexa is blue) is on they are up-linked to the mainframe

So yea, this is how Skynet takes over (yes I know two different "universes"...similar concept). 

Also if you ask Alexa about Skynet she plays dumb.  I am onto you, you sentient little $hit! 

Conclusion:  I don't want to think about it...who wants to buy me more wine.....

Also, why does all this $hit happen in 3's!?!?!?!

Please stand clear of the doors

"Por favor manténganse alejado de las puertas."

 
This is gonna be a hodge podge of nope, strap in, it may be a wild ride.

1.  We noticed BLACK MOLD growing on our office ceiling in various places.  Yes we had crazy rain and flooding about two weeks ago.  But this is bad bad bad.  Not to mention we've been complaining that our lights don't work right...sometimes they come on, sometimes they don't.  There is a "flooded house" odor.  Our A/C craps out randomly.  My internet connections crap out randomly.  And all of us get headaches, cough, sneeze, etc when here but are fine once we leave.  CLEARLY something is wrong.  So we told the landlord.  HAND TO GOD the jack@$$ that came up here said "well ya see, when we had all that rain the roof leaked." No $hit Sherlock!  Soooooo how ya gonna fix it.  "I'll come up here tomorrow and replace the moldy ceiling tiles".  Ummmm that my stupid friend is a "bandaid".  We've had issues for MONTHS.  Three days later they came and replaced the tiles.  I still believe there is MOLD in the mother f**king ceiling we can't see.  Our lights have MOISTURE in them (cuz that's normal).  And after they pulled down the tiles, they "cleaned up" the counters...with PLEDGE.  Listen here dip$hit...that is NOT a disinfectant.  That will NOT kill mold spores.  Y'all are NOT FIXING ANYTHING!!!

2.  A/C crapped out AGAIN!  Guy comes to fix it and tells us we don't know how to use the Thermostat.  Ummmm we've been here for 6 months, we know how to use a f**king thermostat.  So he "fixes" it and leaves.  The thing reset itself and is blowing HOT AIR. He is now back saying "but I fixed it".  No, no you didn't.  You didn't "fix" it, you bandaided it just like those morons who "fixed" the mold.  Shockingly we need a new thermostat....

3.  This just makes it sound like someone stole his $hit and gave it back to him as a gift....

4.  Excuse me?!?!?!

Oh...oh! It's a Dog Grooming joke....my mind went in another direction....

5.  Is this for real?!!?!?!

No...NO!  Just no no no no no...not gonna read it because...

I'm out...

Jaws V: The low hanging fruit

Everyone is all like "So cool!" or "I need this for summer!" or "We could use this in the lake!" and I'm over here like "Do you want your @$$ literally bitten off?  Because that's how you get your @$$ bitten off!"  If you want to buy one have fun...I'll watch from the shore or in a boat.

Has no one seen Jaws?!?!?!  Murky water...people dangling just above it looking like easy targets...a skiff thing.  Come on!  This is basically what happens in Jaws II!!! They go out on these flimsy sail boats and Jaws says "b**ch, I'ma eat that" and everyone dies. 

Okay not everyone but a lot of them!  And Chief Brody is no longer with us so who the hell is gonna save us and tell that mean ol' shark to open wide?!?!? Huh?  Huh?!?

Ignore the caption!

"All right, you big bastard! Come On! I've got something for ya' now! That's it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here! Open wide OPEN WIDE! SAY AAH!" 
*electricity noise* *sizzling shark* *oh $hit that b**ch is on fire* *BBQ Shark sinking* 
"Yay!  We are saved!" *sobbing*

Okay soooooooooooooooooooo maybe I've seen Jaws too many times (like there is such a thing!) but I'd rather err on the side of caution, than see this comin' up to bite my @$$!

And if you are like "but fresh water no sharks" see this post.  AND okay, fine no sharks...South Louisiana...meet this!

Yes I know that's a Croc BUT I couldn't find a moving gif of a Gator.  With that said I've SEEN a gator jump out the water up close and personal.  Action shot, ala me. 

And that was just a "little" one!!! So no thanks, I'm good.  I'll hammock in a tree.