How to lose 5ish lbs in an hour

Sooooo I had that thing done.  You know that thing where they remove the thing(s) causing my lady issues.  

Its routine right?  Well yes it is but holy moly its still not something you want to have done.  You are still put under, you are still down for a few weeks, you are still gonna randomly bleed and can't use a tampon or cup.  

I f**king hate being female sometimes. 

I will say kudos to the nurses and doctors for making this as easy as possible.  They put the IV needle in with almost no issues.  They were very attentive and it was rather quick considering, they had to remove at least 2 fibroids, a polyp and then do a D&C.  

I woke up and had to pee which is actually a good sign. But I was also VERY uncomfortable.  Once I was "stable", I went to a room and they got the hubs.  I was feeling very awake which was weird but cool deal.  Now the doc that did the procedure is male.  He is very good but no offense...you cannot tell me what pain I may or may not be in.  You don't have a uterus... you are basing this off of what you've read, learned, heard.  

So when the nurse was like "you okay" and I said no not really.  I really loved that she immediately went get me a percocet. Now I don't like pain pills but I was IN PAIN.  She said she talked to my doc and he was like "give her this for now but the pain shouldn't be too bad.  Tell her to take some Motrin at home if she needs".  

F**k you very much for that.  So I got no Rx which again, I probably wouldn't have taken much but STILL.  Anyways,  I just don't like being dismissed like that.  So the nurse was like you have to pee again before I discharge you, done and done.  I changed and she removed my IV.  Now I was alert but still out of it.  I heard her say something about "this was deep in your vein.  Keep the compression bandage on for____ hours".  Which is a story for another day.

I did have discharge papers so yay. Papers said no dead-lifting more than 5lbs, no sexy time, no strenuous exercise for at least 2 weeks.  And don't get hit in the abdomen, no animals jumping on you or sleeping on the tummy.  Make sure to walk around but listen to your body, get alot of rest. K.Cool.Got it. 

I got home, ate, and slept for 16 hours getting up once to pee and shower. 

I cramped and bled for days, I was SUPER Nauseous for over a week.  Not extreme bleeding thankfully just annoying.  What PISSED ME OFF is while I was still out cold the people without female body parts had a discussion with my hubs saying recovery might be 10 days at most, don't lift 10lbs, walking will help and is fine, can resume all normal activity in a couple days. So when I was still not great a few days later, hubs was like "what's wrong the doc said XYZ". 

I LOST MY $HIT.  In his defense he was listening to what the doctor said.  So what I did was go into GROSS DETAIL of what I actually went through.  He tried to get me to stop...but I didn't because f**k that, you get to hear what bull$hit women go through. 

"Let me explain what all those fancy medical words mean.  While I was under ANESTHESIA. Not mildly sedated...I was under ANESTHESIA. They dilated my cervix.  You know...like when you hear someone having a baby...they are DILATED so many CM.  Well I was dilated some so they could get in there.  Then they slid in a camera with a snipping tool on the end.  They went in and removed the growths and cauterized where they were ATTACHED to the walls of my uterus. After they removed these intruders, they inserted this U shaped scoop thingy.   They used this to scrape the walls removing the excessive uterine lining. After removing as much as they could they made sure nothing was hemorrhaging and sent me to wake up with no pain medication for after. So how do you think you would feel if you had your insides scraped? Do you think you would be functional???"

He didn't make another comment and was way more attentive to helping me after that.  I just hate how it was downplayed.  Like no sir...I get that the doc was like its NBD.  But it was a big f**king deal!!!!  I could tell the ladies understood.  Because my friends and family that knew what I had done were checking on me daily and making sure I was okay and I didn't do too much.  

Hell I stood too long 2 days after having it done and SUFFERED the next day.  I was literally a blob on my couch and all I did was stand too long.  

Being a female is bull$hit sometimes....also no uterus no opinion on how much pain we should or should not be in!

Did you know that was in there?

So I had that ultrasound. 

The tech was so sweet.  She was like this is going to be awk but we'll see what's up.  Also this isn't like the movie ultra sound you are thinking of.  This isn't squirt gel on the belly and see what's inside.  This is stick a wand in your lady bits and try to relax. 

So it took over an hour (should have been 15 - 20 min) BECAUSE she was so fascinated by my weirdness and impressed with my pain tolerance that she took like 40 pics AND went get another Senior Tech to make sure she was properly seeing things. 

Dude bro....DUUUUUUDE BROOOO.  I have the most pissed off uterus right now!!!!!  The tech said "Oh. Hmmmm. What.  Well.. are you in pain" for the entire exam.  Then the other one said the same.  I was LITERALLY called the "Medical Mystery" of the day.  

Both were like "you know you also have 2 cysts on your right ovary?"  Nope wasn't aware.  "Are you in pain???????"  Honestly I think I am just immune to it now.  So all in all.... I have two Uterine Fibroids - one seems to be stemmed (whatever the f**k that means), a polyp, a possibly "necrotic" fibroid and a "pooling of blood that is just waiting to burst free".  The necrotic thing isn't as bad as it sounds.  It basically means there may have been another fibroid that was basically getting rid of itself.  But the other stuff.... just f**k me man. 

So I saw the Doc and he said I have to have a Procedure to remove the intruders and keep me from having another month long period again. 

It's called a Hysteroscopic Myomectomy and DNC. 

In layman's terms...they go in with a camera with a tool on the end and remove the fibroids/polyps, then scrape the tissue from the uterine walls (OH FUN!). 

I've had something similar about 8 years ago and it f**king sucked.  But this time nothing through the belly button just through the hoohah. But I'll still be down for a few days and no lifting or basically anything more than walking for 2-3 weeks.  

Riding the Crimsom...Tsunami?

This is 1000% TMI please feel free to skip. 

I know I've mentioned it before but I sometimes hate being a female.  We deal with the most ridiculous issues and 90% of the time its downplayed as NBD. 

Well ya know what it is a Big Deal!

I've had some weirdo issues over the years but this takes the cake.

I'm still uh...fairly regular when it comes to monthly occurrences.  Almost like clock work I know when things will happen.  Well last month things...went...sideways. 

It started normal-ish. My cycle began almost exactly when expected.  Except this time it started with me literally having a breakdown after a night out (WTF?!?!)

Legit basically no other issues.  3 days later it tapered off and I got ready for Turkey Day.  That is where things went butt f**k crazy. 

About to leave for dads and I feel a little something.  Well $hit it came back (not abnormal).  I had the WORST CRAMPS OF MY LIFE trying to have a convo with my cousin, this is NOT normal. I was so sick I barely ate. 

3 days later MOFO is still going, like GOING...like WTF this never happens going.  I get to day 7 and I'm like something is wrong wrong, I've gone through a BOX of lady sticks in 4 days.  

I get to day 10 and I'm like white as a sheet, this is no bueno.  I call my OB and get an appt that day (also unheard of). 

I get a once over and a "hmmm that's not normal for you".  Yea no $hit....  I get an Rx for something to make the bleeding stop and an appt for an Ultrasound in 2 weeks because they think its uterine fibroids or polyps...cool cool...no thanks. 

At this point I am not buying anymore effing lady sticks so I get a cup.  Why I didn't do this sooner is BEYOND me.  Best thing EVER ladies!

Anyways, the Rx slows it down but its still happening.  I bled excessively for TWENTY TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!  Honestly I have no idea how I didn't just pass out from blood loss.  On day 22 we have shower sexy time and the mofo stops.  WTAF?!!??!  I would have done this much sooner if I knew it would stop it!!!!!!!  Except I felt like actual butthole and didn't want to be touched. 

Can I just say...I know some women deal with excessively long cycles and I...I want to hug you because this was stupid and I hated life for almost a month.  Lets see what the ultrasound says....

I am so not amused

While I appreciate that it is being noticed my hard work is paying off...I still don't like the lecherous...almost threatening "cat call". 

After leaving one of my weekly workout groups I had to stop at the grocery for din din.  

I don't wear anything scandalous but its a dance class, my clothes are fitted. 

Mind you I was fairly gross as its a high intensity class and I was starving so I was focused on get in and out ASAP. 

As I was walking to the door I heard someone yell something.  100% thinking not for me I ignored it.  Then I heard it louder so I turned my head.  This man, who looked like he could have been my father, said something and grabbed his crotch.  

OMG ew!  I couldn't make out what he said (Mask) but his eyes......Ooooogy.  AND HE GRABBED HIS CROTCH!!!!

I had a mask on but I know he heard me say "gross!". So I started walking again and he yelled, something else...it sounded almost angry... I half turned and he said, with his mask off,  "if you don't want people to appreciate your tight @$$ you shouldn't wear tight pants!"

I'm sorry, what f**king year is it?!?!  Who says that?!?! 1.) Just NO! and 2.) I'm small-ish, I look like I'm like 12 when I'm in workout clothes and a baseball hat and it was dark... you sir are a f**king predator.

I just about sprinted to the door and he said something else angrily and I'm pretty sure part of it involved the work C**T, but I didn't turn back. 

After I shopped, I asked one of the employees to walk me to my car because I know he saw what vehicle I got out of and I was honestly concerned.  Thankfully the store took me seriously and asked me what he looked like.  Maybe they'll check the cameras, maybe not but at least I was safely escorted to my car, just in case. 

But now I almost don't want to go there alone again.  This is a nice store in a nice area with mostly nice people.  And this cum stain has tarnished it for me because what if he is a threat....what if he would have or would act on his disgusting comments...what if someone else isn't as quick to get help.  I don't know.  This is the BS females deal with and I f**king hate it. 

You want to look and maybe even wink...whatever but the threatening aggressive comments....I hate people. 

Massacre at mile 11

I have always been worried about the horror stories you hear about running.  You are putting your body through quite a lot so you never know when that b**ch might rebel. 

I've had minor issues before, but for the most part it's been things I can deal with.  

My last half was brutal.  Since there's still COVID around I 100% thought it would be canceled or postponed.  Which means in my brain I wasn't nearly as motivated to train.  I trained up to 10 miles but I reached that 6 weeks prior to the race and then did jack $hit.  

I knew it would be difficult.  I mean I knew I could finish it but I would not be feeling great by the end...  

But I pushed myself because I was cold and stubborn.  I was doing great but I hit a bit of a wall at mile 8.75-ish.  Like my legs felt like lead. 

I walked for a while hoping it would pass but every time I ran, LEAD LEGS.  

I drank water & powerade, ate some gummies and Gu.  Nothing was helping.  Then as I was coming around a bend there was beer.  I don't like to take drinks from strangers, especially during a pandemic but I was desperate.    

It worked.  I mean I wasn't running like the flash but I wasn't dragging @$$ as much.  I know there is some science-y explanation but I am just going with beer good.  

I thought I got this!  I looked at my watch and thought, "OMG, if I keep this pace I could match last year's time" which would be impressive without much training.  

WHY DID I EVEN THINK THAT?!?!

The Universe

As I was pushing through mile 11 it happened.  

THIS IS 100% TMI...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I was past the last water station...no more potties until the finish line.  I have never in my LIFE been more thankful for black pants.  I couldn't stop....so I ran as best as I could.  I needed to finish.  I needed to be done.  I needed a SHOWER!

I know what you are probably thinking happened BUT it wasn't that....it was more girly....If you haven't figured it out I was suddenly bleeding...A LOT.

I was that commercial.  They 100% could put me running a half marathon with the caption of "where will you be when the gush happens".   I was hurting, tired, and feeling sooooooo gross.  But I finished. By God I FINISHED!

Have I mentioned I really hate being a girl sometimes.

So you just happened to be running right behind me...?

This...world makes me so freaking paranoid.  I've been trying to stay active and it's really hard because the sun sets so freaking early!!! I finally just sucked it up and started running at dusk/night.  

Can I tell you as a female, that is f**king scary!  I live in a safe area.  I have active neighbors who are outside all the time.  It was just after christmas so the area was lit up with lights.  But I am smallish and know full well no where is actually safe. 

That's why as I was running the other day I got so effing freaked out!  

I run listening to music but I can still hear the world around me which is why I about had a heart attack when I realized I heard another set of feet hitting the concrete.  I was doing speed intervals but didn't want to slow down. 

I couldn't see anyone in my peripheral but it was very dark with only the street lights every so often where I was.  And I wasn't near my house, I was in the back of my neighborhood. So I decided to change up my route.  As I did, I looked over my shoulder and saw...no one.

So now I think I am insane and paranoid.  I slowed a bit but kept going.  Then I heard it again.  

I muted my music.  I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears and could feel my breathing getting labored, I was tired and scared.  I turned a corner and saw some people outside so I slowed down.  

I was cracking my neck when I noticed someone WAS about 100 or so yards behind me.  

At this point I was about 3 blocks from my house so I took off.  I was sprinting (I do NOT sprint).  

I made it home in record time, 100% ignoring the prompts from my running app.  As I ran up my driveway my shadow was running by.  He was probably 6'3" and skinny fit, young-ish and possibly attractive (it was dark!).  He said breathing heavily, "Good Run! I didn't think I was gonna keep up today!" and he kept going.  

 What...what just happened?!?

2 days later I left about 10 min later than normal bc work is stupid.  As I  was coming down one of the streets I saw him come out of a house on my route.  

My assumption is we are on a similar schedule.  I am fairly certain he runs behind me EVERY DAY and I was just a little late that night so I noticed him.  

Its like some weird unorganized running group...of two. Maybe he doesn't want to run alone or maybe he doesn't want me to be alone.  Maybe I should ask...

It really is sad how scared I was initially. It's warranted, you really don't know what kind of crazies are out there.  But at least now I seem to have an unofficial running buddy.  

Keep your energy away from my energy!

Okay so I am highly tolerant of "unique" people until someone makes me uncomfortable.  Anyways, I had to go supervise a technician today...we were having issues at my place of business and I was asked to be there bc they would be in closed door meetings all day. 

I was sitting at my desk when this 50 something guy wandered into my office while I was on the phone.  He started touching everything on my desk, came around the back of my desk, and stared at me until I hung up....

I started to pay closer attention to him as I rolled backwards...He looked like a weird overweight mix of Doc Brown (wild hair and receding hairline) & Wayne Campbell...and wore tinted glasses.

Me: Can I help you?  

Him: I need to tell your boss something. 

Me: Ummm tell me, I'll tell her.

He tells me a bunch of crap I know is nonsense.

Then looks at a quote on my desk and says "well I don't agree with that".

Me: Yea, I don't even know what "that" says, a vendor gave it to me...

He then proceeds to go on a 10 min one sided conversation about "Energies" and how we project them and feel them from others. 

Him: You see when I came in here I was projecting an energy that your energy felt.  Did you feel it?

Me: Oh you mean the "he's not creepy vibe"

Him: Yes! Your energies realized I wasn't creepy therefore not a threat *uncomfortable eye contact*

Him: That is how we know when to....trust people and why we do the things we do

Me: Sooooo, like a gut instinct...?  Yea I get those A LOT.

Him: That's Great!  It will keep you safe.....and balance your zen.

Me: *clears throat* So you gonna go do all that...stuff...you said with the system?

*walks out*

What the hell?!?!?!  Over an hour later I go potty.  As I am walking back to my desk...

Me: Hi....

*tells me more BS about the system* He got uncomfortably close to me and said "Do you ever just try to avoid people...who are negative? Or positive people when you are...negative?"  did I mention he smelled like cigarettes, sweat, and stale coffee.

Me: Yes......... *backing up*

Him: *gently grabs my wrist* That's your energy reacting to their energies.

I calmly extracted myself, said..."K, leave the bill on the table" ...walked in my office and locked the door.  I messaged my boss. 

Either he was on something...smoked something...or forgot to takes his meds.  He was CREEPY but didn't seem realize it.. .and had no sense of personal space!

He was probably harmless...maybe...I hope...but I hate to think if he wasn't and I was actually alone.  Every warning was going off in my head telling me to run.

And yes, we had to report it because half the time one of us is alone. 

Are you sure YOU aren't pregant?!?!

For F**ks sake people, quit being RUDE!  Two things you shouldn't do....

1. Talk about Religion/Politics at work
2. ASSUME a woman is pregnant

JFC that's how you get your teeth knocked out..from an angry...apparently "fat" woman with a mean right hook.  Except I am not a violent person (usually) so instead I flip the question around.


Person: *pssst* are you pregnant?
Me: *snort* nope
AT THIS POINT YOU SHOULD WALK AWAY!
Person: Are you sure?
Me: *confused* Um, yes...100%....
Person: Really?  You must be eat more and gain some weight...a little
Me: *PISSED OFF* Um, no....are YOU pregnant?
Person: *confused* No, I man?
Me: Are you sure? I mean last uniform order I had to go up two pants sizes for you....
Person: *REALLY confused* You look mad
Me: *calmly typing* If you don't want a can of Lysol shoved up your @$$, I highly recommend you leave...now. 

What the actual F**K?!?!  I know I am not a size 2 but screw you man.  Asking the 1st question fine...but when I said NO, you should probably leave it alone.  Oh and he is a f**king fat @$$...WHAT AN @$$HOLE!

Also, the "weight" I've gained is 90% muscle.  I've been working out, running, dancing, swimming, etc.  So I noticed a change also but its more what happens before all the "fat" goes away.  You know when you 1st start working out again and you don't I dunno...its weird.  See below...yea that's me...I am a f**king whale...just call me baby beluga...

And no, I'm NOT sucking in...

Dear fashion designers, Make WOMEN'S shirts that fit boobs!!! k...thanks...bye

But for real though!  I love a cute little button up.  They make you look slightly more professional.  Yet, I HATE them.  Why you may ask.  Well because for some reason 90% of the ones MADE FOR WOMEN aren't MADE FOR BOOBS. 

See Exhibit 1:

I don't not have a lot up top.  In fact I have the smallest amount they sell an adult bra for.  Just a handful or whatever.  Yet even with the tiniest of tatas I get button pull.  I even took the bra off and it still f**king pulls!  (no picture...it would be flagged NSFW because of visible nipple-age) Why?  Why!?  WHY!?!? Shirts for people with BREASTS should have a little extra material up top to accommodate for the boobage.  And this isn't some "cheapy shirt" I got from the discount rack at the outlet or something.  This is a NICE name brand shirt...something I don't normally splurge on but the design was too cute to pass up. 

But this isn't CUTE!!!

It makes it look like a bought a shirt that was too small.  It fits perfectly everywhere else!!!  If I got a size up you'd be able to see down the arm holes!!!

Look, I wear a small up-top.  Meaning I am not asking for much!!!  Logically a WOMAN'S shirt regardless of size should puff out a bit in the booby area, ESPECIALLY a button up.  We all have them.  Even small ones poke out a little!!!!  Add in those of us with the tiny tatas probably are wearing some sort of padding and you have to see where I am coming from!  I'm not a fashion designer but I know it can be done.  My only conclusion is this shirt was 100% designed by a dude who has no idea about BOOBS!

P.S.  I feel sorry for my ladies with the extra toppings...

I am apparently that 1 in 5...yay

This is a female thing.  Nothing gross just giving a warning.

So I'm dying.  Not really but I kinda feel like it.  Occasionally...not every month but some months I have a weird pain.  The first time it happened and I really noticed it I thought I pulled a muscle or had appendicitis.  The next time it happened it was on the other side.  That's when I started paying attention.  It happens every few months or so, not every month but about midway through when it does.

Turns out I am the 1 of the 1 in 5 females that has Mittleschmerz otherwise known as Mid-Cycle Pain.  Basically I can feel it when I ovulate and it is f**king weird!  We should know by now I have fertility issues, as in we aren't preventing but nothing is happening.  It's to the point where the doc is like "you may want to talk to a fertility specialist" and I'm like "k...but I'm poor".  Well not poor but I don't think we can afford or can justify that.....whatever, a consultation can't hurt...right?

Anyways back to my weirdness.  

I've had this most of my adult life, I just...I thought it was other things, like digestive issues or something.  But when you are tracking cycles you start to put the puzzle pieces together.  So now I know when I feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in one side or the other mid-cycle I am in fact releasing an egg...good to know.  I mean it is good to know but I'd rather just track temps and pee in a cup.  I could do without the throbbing pain, nausea and downright uncomfortableness.  I especially hate when it hits when I'm out in public.  I think the two old ladies the farmers market thought I was dying as I dramatically leaned over the lemons and grabbed my side.  I have a decent pain tolerance but this f**king hurts. 

No I don't punch my side!

I've been told it can last a few minutes to a few hours normally...apparently my body is on the few HOURS regime.  It's not easy to sit at a desk and try to focus when you feel like you're being dissected from the inside.  I should be able to take a sick day for this!  

Have I mentioned I sometimes hate being a girl?  Because for reals this $hit is for the birds!