She was birthing Cthulhu

'Sup link to artist

Can you imagine going down on your girl and seeing f**king tentacles coming out of her lady cave?!?!?

Saw this...

And thought SURELY that is a fake news site!  That did NOT happen.  Its tabloids or something.  So I googled it...

Okay the only one I MIGHT trust is foxnews.  So I went to my trusty friend SNOPES.  Nothing confirmed or debunked but it was a rural area in Columbia soooooo.  

"Afflicted by sharp abdominal pain, and terrified by what seemed to be budding stems sticking out..."

“My mom told me once that if I don’t want to get pregnant, I should insert a potato, and I believed her...”

"...lived for two weeks with the potato inside..."

“I had to use sterilized material to go ahead and take out the tuber so that the girl wouldn’t have to go through the embarrassment of having to go to a medical center,”

I know its from 2014 and glad she was okay but HOLY CRAPBALLS!

And just because I don't know what I just watched, you get to see it too!

Talk about a stinging sensation in your nether regions......

Okay this one is a month or so old but I just came across it and WTF people?!?  I am going to say this again...

QUIT PUTTING WEIRD $HIT IN (or around) YOUR VAGINA!!!

LINK

Wait does that say "handmade".  I know its Etsy but no thanks....also...from MALAYSIA *danger Will Robinson*

"The instructions advise customers to boil the oak galls and then use them as a feminine hygiene wash around the time of their period. It also advises drinking one boiled oak gall for 40 days to “restore elasticity of the uterine wall.”"

Oak Galls...that's a fancy name for a wasp nest.  Well a GALL wasp...nest.  

Then it says "popular misconceptions about sexual health and the vagina. Namely, the myth that only tight and dry vaginas are desirable and healthy."

WHAT?!?!  I've heard of wanting a tight one *rolling eyes* but a dry one.  That sounds AWFUL! Who wants someone going in dry.  That sounds horribly painful for ALL involved.   *shudder*

The internet is great but these fly by night pseudoscience crazies are seriously endangering people with their crap.  

You want a tighter vajayjay do some kegels.  A dry who-ha is NOT healthy...just...please talk to a medical professional before sticking anything...unusual...in or around your happy hole, especially something that promises some crazy whatever results.  

How the f**k did I turn out semi normal?!?!?!

No but really.  I joke about my crazy family but they really are like LEGIT weirdos.  And not in the fun kind of way.  No, I'm talking about in the stress you out until you lose your f**king mind kind of way. 

Let me set a scene for you.  I got a text...NOT A CALL A F**KING text that said "Patriarch fell in the bathroom.  Had to call Fire dept. Matriarch said he's acting funny and talking odd." 

What would you have said???  I said "did he have a stroke??? what hospital is he at?" 

20 min later "He's not at the hospital.  I'm going over there later."

WTF?!?!?!  Apparently its not too bad.

STG 8:30PM I get another f**king text "He looks bad.  He shakes.  Maybe a stroke.  Never slept.  Won't eat.  Maybe Dr. will call me tomorrow.  Say a prayer."

Are you F**KING kidding me???  "I'll say a prayer but....You think he had a stroke...and he's home?!?!?!  Call 911 NOW, the first few hours after a stroke are CRUCIAL to survival!!!!"  I get he is over 90 but COME ON. 

20 texts back and forth and I'm told "he knows what stroke is, he fine.  Don't call the other kids, don't want to worry them.  No hospital.  He's going to sleep."

My side of the 20 texts "Call.the.ambulance.NOW!  Don't you think we should at LEAST call his kids...ya know in case this goes south.  What if he doesn't wake up!?!?  Fine, whatever!  Don't listen to me.  Clearly you crazy people know more than a medical professional!!!!!" (not me but I still thought he should see one)

I attempted to go to sleep...which can I tell you really didn't f**king happen.  Then I went to work because you know "responsibilities".  I waited until 10:40AM to attempt contact.  Mother F**king crickets.  Seriously?!?!!?  You TEXT me and basically imply the Patriarch is dying, then tell me it isn't so bad, then don't answer the god blessed phone....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?!?

I have been semi sane.  I've only called every 30-40 min and sent a few texts.  Still...NOTHING! I would assume if it was bad, I'd have gotten a response but who f**king knows.  These are the same people that thought after a 90+ yo fell he DIDN'T need to be seen by a doc. 

I hate docs to but can we make an adult decision.  A LOGICAL adult decision.  For my f**king sanity.  And God help me if I get a TEXT with bad news...I may lose my mind for real. 

Why yes, I'd enjoy a ballon in my uterus...who wouldn't? The weirdest things always happen to me...I don't know why I am surprised anymore...

Okay so this is going to be a TMI post.  And it isn't about me doing something and getting something stuck in a bad place.  Get your mind OUT OF THE GUTTER.  If you don't want to read a ridiculous story about a medical thing I had, don't read on.  No really...its not gross but it is...well, WEIRD.

You've been warned
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No turning back now
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Okay, here goes...



So a few months back my OBGYN (you can still not read on...I'm giving you an out) said I needed to do this other "thing" to investigate my "female issues".  He said the name of the procedure and I said bless you.  He laughed, see I AM funny.  Its called a hysterosalpingogram...yea...yea try saying that five times fast.  Hell just try saying it once.  He said I could have it done at any x-ray lab place and to just make sure they sent him the results.  Okay, sure...no problem.  

Well I pride myself on saying big words...sometimes... so to prove I wasn't a complete moron I attempted to say this "word" when I called to schedule it.  I failed miserably, struggling like Nemo trying to say anemone, and finally just used the shortened version HSG. 

You can look it up for more detail but the gist is it is an x-ray that uses dye injected into your lady parts to make sure things aren't blocked and are of a normal "shape".  Okay, that's fine...I've done the intestinal "dye" x-ray thing, years ago...easy peasy.  Except this one doesn't involve swallowing anything (obviously) so how do they "inject" the dye.  Well I'll tell you...they give you an edited version of a pelvic exam and squirt it in there (and its COLD), no really...I am not kidding.  

So how it is supposed to go, 5 minutes tops:

1.  You sit there spread eagle and they put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
2.  They slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  They inflate the balloon
4.  They remove something (probably the speculum)


5.  The x-ray person steps back
6.  You carefully slide up the table 
7.  They inject the dye
8.  You see your lady parts light up on the x-ray screen
9.  Fin

How it went for me, not 5 minutes...maybe 20-ish:
1.  I sat there spread eagle and he put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
     a. He started chatting with me about LSU and other random stuff

     b. I responded as nicely as possible being as I was in a very awkward position
2.  He slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  He inflated the balloon
4.  He removed something (probably the speculum)


5.  He stepped back
     a. x-ray person "Oh no, the balloon deflated", me, "huh?"
     b. Steps up, does something down there and it re-inflates
     c. Steps back again,  "Oh no, it deflated again", me "What tha? *craning my neck trying to look 
        down*"
     d. Steps up, does whatever and it re-inflates
     e. Repeat c-d two more times
6.  X-ray person "Um, okay.  I don't want to have to re-tube you or reschedule so I'm just going to hold this here so it stays inflated....go ahead and slide up the table", me "Ummmmm"
7.  I scoot up the table while he has his hand down in my Garden of Eden keeping that stupid balloon inflated.    Can I just tell you how weird it is to have someones hand partially in your hoohah, with a tube hanging out like some misplaced tail, as you attempt to "gracefully" slide backwards.  And by gracefully I mean not gracefully at all. Think about it though, your legs are bent and there is a breeze and your, thankfully shaved, vag is *waving* "hey look at me" okay maybe she didn't wave.
8.  Anyway, he starts the x-ray and injects the dye
9.  I see my lady parts light up on the x-ray screen, oh cool
10.  "Hmmm your right tube isn't flowing, I'm going to push more dye in" Me: "what, does that me-- ow ow ow ow ow."  Mind you I have a high pain tolerance but it felt like someone stabbed me in the side with a f**king icicle.   Him: "Sorry, should I stop?" Me: *grunts*  "No, no I'm good."
11.  "there we go, all clear.  Everything looks good.  I see no issues but we'll let your doctor have a look see." Yea okay, cool
12.  He removes his hand and the tube and the defective balloon.  As I am sitting up, "Oh careful when you sit up...the dye has to go somewhere." And I suddenly feel like a wet myself...oh just f**king wonderful.

It also didn't help that the guy looked and sounded like one of the squinterns from Bones...Dr. Oliver Wells.  I'm not putting a picture, look him up.  His real name is Brian Klugman.


So to sum it up, I had a squintern doppelganger with his hand in a normally very private area chatting my ear off about randomness like it was the most normal thing and injecting me with dye while I had an x-ray...good times....