Shoutout to my guardian Angel

So I had to drive quite a distance today.  Thank goodness I was paying attention! As I was lala-ing along my way things got dangerous FAST!

Suddenly LOTS OF BRAKING.  The SUV in-front of me swerved to the right barely missing the back of an 18 wheeler.  I managed to slow to about 40 but was coming in hot.  I had seconds to make a move.  I noticed the pickup next to me pull to the right giving me room to swerve. 

Some jack@$$ was pulled over ON THE LEFT.  His pimp mobile looking thing was blocking half of the left lane.  We were going 75...I have a little car I can't see much past SUVs.  And no, I was not tailgating! 

I missed the pimp mobile by millimeters!

It happened so f**king fast.  But I can't thank that pickup enough for his quick reaction.  It was either slam into a stationary vehicle going over 35 mph or side swipe aa truck going who knows how fast.  Those were literally my options because there wasn't enough time to brake to a stop without possibly losing control. 

Who the f**k does that?!?!  I've had car issues on I10.  You either get over to the right somehow OR you pull all the way into the grass on the left.  You do not...I repeat DO NOT block half the f**king left lane of the Interstate. 

I hope that moron made it home safe.  Had I slammed into him I would have been severely injured.  He wasn't in the vehicle, I saw him on the phone in the grass.  My driver side would have been the side that hit. 

That would have been very very bad for me and who knows how my little car would have ricocheted around after.  It was rush hour...there were BIG vehicles everywhere!!!!!

My point is use your brain.  Don't block lanes of traffic if you can avoid it and DO NOT BLOCK AN INTERSTATE!  So yea, thank you guardian angel, the universe, the big guy....whomever...I am just glad it went the way it did.

I hate driving...not because of the driving itself but because of the other idiots on the road. 

I'm out...time for a shower and bed. 

The hills can kiss my @$$!

Right anyway.  This city girl went to the mountains.  Well I say Mountains....apparently they were "foothills" but when you come from under sea level elevation, even a 100 ft hill is a f**king mountain. 

To get there we had to drive through nothing. Like hours where there was farm land, an occasional house, and MAYBE a gas station that looked straight out of an after school special titled "don't stop at the corner shop".  While driving in nowhere USA I saw a hand painted sign that said "Jesus is the reason...FOR LIFE!!!" nailed to a tree in the middle of a forest...nothing to be seen for MILES around until a clearing with a miniature crucifixion. 

We reached some form of civilization and saw a store (I really needed to tee tee).  Joe's One Stop Shop...gas, food, fishing license, notary, 24 hr adult toys, smoke, & vape **Restrooms Available**.  (I made up the name...I don't remember the business name and did not take a pic but I wrote down as much as I could remember as we sped by)

We kept going until I was about to lose control of my bladder.  We stopped at another location that had an OUTHOUSE!  I mean it had electricity and running water but it was out back, all alone, with a pad locked door.  When I flushed water came up from the floor.  When I went wash my hands I realized the elbow pipe was missing and soaked my feet.

When we finally got to the mountains I basically had a coronary in the car.  There is no guardrail and the shoulder is barely the width of me.  "Oh hello there drop off".  It was so steep there were signs telling you to "brake check" before you went any further, just in case.  And other signs telling larger vehicles to use lower gears.  And there were "run off" areas for run away 18-wheelers...Two narrow lanes...THAT'S IT!

I was white-knuckling it the whole 100 miles through that insanity. 

But we made it *whew*.

We were out in the middle of NO WHERE at a hotel in the "mountains".  I mean the closest Walmart was like 80 miles away.  I am pretty sure I heard dueling banjos at least once as we hiked through the wilderness.  

Oh yea and someone saw a 10 point buck less than 30 feet away, a red fox playing off the path, what I think was a small cougar or enormous house cat hanging out in the parking lot...and lots bats...seriously the amount of bats was kind of unnerving. 

Clearly I made it back alive and it was GORGEOUS but I've come to the conclusion that although I love the outdoors, I'd rather be at or near sea level... 

Or maybe space...I think I could do space

Someone roll me in bubble wrap and lock me indoors!

I'm an adult... An adult who is coordinated...85% of the time.  But that 15% of the time I am not coordinated...I end up in a world of pain. 

So I was doing that running thing, right?  I do that a lot.  Or at least enough that I know running in Louisiana can be hazardous.  But most races do this thing where they mark the $hit out of the roads to show where there are potholes or raised pieces of pavement.  Not all do it but you understand the risks because they say it like 20 times before you start. 

Recently I was doing a longer race, not a half but not a 5K.  2 miles in and I ate asphalt.  You don't understand, it wasn't like a simple trip.  This was....

A toe catching on a piece of raised asphalt
Spaztically falling forward while swinging arms trying to balance
Thinking you are okay as you seem to catch yourself
Crying internally when you feel your foot turn sideways and you pitch forward, completely off balance

What made it worse...I was RUNNING.  I wasn't walking or slowly jogging.  We were full out running because...I don't know why.  So when my toe caught there was quite a bit of momentum to balance out.

As I went crashing down I put my hands out.  The problem is the force at which I was falling was too great for my arms to keep my face from slamming into the ground.  So in that split second of realization I turned on my shoulder.  I slid 3 feet on my f**king shoulder! 

Before I registered what happened I had hands all over me picking me.  Seriously, runners are the BEST.  So many people stopped to pick me up.  Literally zero effort went into me standing because I was lifted off the ground.  After I said "I'm okay, I'm okay" and smiled they took off and we moved over to the side to limp it out.  As I was assessing myself and not really feeling any immediate serious pain I looked at my friend who kept asking if I was okay and I said "no really, I'm fine".  Then I looked down at my hand.  I have blood dripping from my fingers.  Not just a minor scrap, it was pouring out of a spot where my thumb meets the palm.  "Ummm crap, okay maybe not okay."  She ran ahead to get help while I wandered slowly still trying to see why nothing hurt that bad.   That's about when I realized my knee had a pulse...hmmm that's odd.  I looked down but I had long black pants on so I didn't see anything.  We get some basic supplies to clean me up. 

That poor cop.  As I am walking up to them I hear "my friend fell, do you have a first aid kit...or at least a bandaid?"  He looks in my direction but doesn't really see me and says "yes, sure, where is she?"  And I looked right at him and opened my hand still gushing blood.  He turned white.  Which was impressive because he was pretty tan.  He ran to his car and handed us some supplies and bolted.  He made sure I was okay but wouldn't look directly at my injuries...I guess blood weirded him out. 

Anyways, I clean up as best I can with wipes and a bandaid.  Once I hand my hand wrapped in a wipe to staunch the blood flow I bent over and pulled up my pant leg.  My knee started oozing blood....crap crap crap!  I guess the tight pants were keeping the blood from flowing.  So I quickly pulled them back down and hoped for the best.  My shoulder while sore was the best looking part of me.  It was scrapped but not horrifically...how the F**K?!?!  I slid 3 feet on asphalt...on my shoulder...I'm confused.

Anyways, we kept going because I really was feeling okay and figured there would be medical at one of the water stations, boy was I f**king wrong about that.  No medics till the end...doh! Whatever I finished the race with a punctured hand, bruised & bloody knee, and road rash shoulder.  I felt like I looked like an extra from the walking dead.  Those finisher pics should be AMAZING!

The medic at the end was all what happened...well sir I tried to fight the road and the road won.  He SCRUBBED my knee to get pieces of asphalt out (mother f**ker!!!!) and he dug around in my hand to make sure there weren't any rocks stuck in it (son of a b**ch!!!!).  Oh I know I said I had pants on but there were all these tiny holes in them I didn't notice in my original assessment meaning pieces of the ground went through and INTO MY KNEE!  He put some special ointment on my knee and a HUGE bandage.  He said to not get it wet and keep it on for a few hours....great!

An hour later I was in my shower finding every other scrape on my body and cringing in pain.  I also had my leg propped up to keep my knee from getting wet...I was a mess.  After a few hours everything stiffened up.  Breathing hurt....I barely slept that night because my entire body ached and no position was comfy....

Its been about a week.  My hand is mostly healed and my shoulder looks like nothing happened.  My knee looks like it went a few rounds with a meat grinder and is a lovely shade of purple/green/yellow.  Its still sore but I'll live. 

Moral of the story: Watch where you are going, Louisiana streets jump up and bite ya if you aren't careful. 

I think I bruised my uterus

Is that even possible?  And no I am not talking about rough sex, get your mind out the gutter. 

So I am clumsy, that is evident...but I am also coordinated enough to dance pretty good, run without falling, and climb trees.  I think I am really two different people smashed into one body.  Wait...

Anyways, so yesterday was like any other day at the office.  We completed a huge project where we organized a ton of stuff for a large client.  No really, HUGE project...it took us over a week to complete.  Anyways, the stuff was in two decent sized boxes each weighing about 20-25 lbs which I was to deliver today.  So yesterday afternoon myself and another lady hauled the two boxes down the stairs and to my car.  We did it because the big burly men in our office were conveniently MIA. 

Moving on, I was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and black pumps...my friend was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and gray pumps (trust me this is important...mostly).  As we were headed to the stairs she stumbled into a wall but caught herself *whew*, so she took off her shoes (if there was EVER a f**king red flag waving this was it).  I did not remove my shoes and headed VERY CAREFULLY down the stairs.  I made it to the bottom without issue *woo hoo*.  What happened next can only be described  as...comical...painful but comical.  

- I opened the door by leaning on it and held it open for my friend
- She stepped out, I let the door close
- We both stepped forward towards the curb
- My right heel went in between two sections of concrete (I didn't realize this)
- My left foot was planted and I went to step with my right
- It didn't move...
- I pitched forward
- But there was no foot to put down

- My weight was on my left foot so I couldn't step forward to catch myself
- Add in an extra 20+ lbs...I didn't stand a chance "ha"
- The heel snapped
- I flew forward at an incredible speed
- The box hit the ground
- I hit the box full on with my torso
- The box EXPLODED under my weight and the momentum
- My hands eventually hit the concrete (ow)
- My face went INTO the box (Ow!)
- My legs went up and almost over my head (OW! guess I'm a little flexible)
- They slammed back down, driving both my knees into the concrete curb (have I mentioned OW!!!!)
- I rolled off the box onto my butt and started laughing hysterically wondering WTF just happened.

My friend was so shocked she couldn't talk.  It happened so fast!  Finally she said "Oh my god! Are you...are you okay?!?!" My response...

 

Truthfully I felt ZERO pain at that point (yay for adrenaline). 

**FLASH FORWARD 3 HOURS**

I am laying on my couch with a heating pad.  I took 2 Advil and am watching horror movies on Netflix.  My knees and wrists are mostly fine.  But now that the adrenaline is gone I can feel the strained muscle in my shoulder blade area, my jaw is tender (I think I clanked my teeth together), my abs feel like I went through 5 rounds with Ali, and I am 99% certain I have at least two slightly bruised ribs.

I can say without a doubt the box saved me.  Had I fallen without the box my wrists and knees would have bared the brunt of the fall, possibly resulting in broken bones and I may not have been able to stop my face from slamming into the concrete.  So I am fine...I lost my favorite pair of black pumps but I am still mostly intact. 

Side Note - I am supposed to run a half on Saturday...a Half...like 13.1 miles.  I got this...I think...ha....

I got nature in my eye!

So I am not a girly girly girl.  I like dressing up and being pretty sometimes but I also like playing in the garden, camping, and dancing in the rain.  Which is why when I am told there are TRAIL RUNS, I am usually one of the 1st to sign up.  I love them.  I love running but trail runs are so fun!!!  Its not your typical run.  You aren't on asphalt.  You are in the woods, by a stream, enjoying nature.  Until nature turns on you and you wonder what on EARTH you were thinking!!!

So getting back from vacay where you are eating horribly and NOT exercising and then doing a race is probably not the best idea.  Make that race a trail run and I feel like you are just asking for trouble.  That is what I did.  But I was ready to get back into the swing of running.  At the @$$ crack of dawn we headed out.  We'd been checking the weather.  Two days before 20% chance of rain, day before 30% chance of rain, night before 45% chance of rain (hmmmm), day of 60% chance of rain (ummmm), arriving at the race 90% chance of rain (well f**k).

Hmmm that looks ominous...but we live in the South...that's a summer shower...it'll blow over...

 

  So we continued on...then this happened

I'm pretty sure we just drove through a water spout...HALP!  Shut-up! It'll blow over!!!!

We get to the race and pre-race selfie...

Ooooo f**k you, what is BEHIND us?!?!!?  It's moving south....*whew*...that is moving AWAY from us.  It'll be fine...we'll be fine...its FINE!  But just in case we left our phones and earbuds in the car...ya know to be safe.

So we get to the start line and the guy on the PA is like "I know we are supposed to start at 8 but since people were delayed because of weather we are delaying the start time slightly but not too much"...K. 

8:09: "The lightening you are seeing is moving away from us, no need for concern, we will start soon.  The trail is clear, a little muddy, only a few spots maybe ankle deep water"...ummmm kaaaay, I mean I am a little concerned...its wet and I am about to be in the woods!

8:15ish: "Ummmm, weather reports show some storms over the lake and NOLA East.  They are, uh, moving in a South Easterly direction....so, uh, yea basically they are moving right towards us *nervous laugh*.  We will start shortly".  WTF?!?!?

8:19: *star spangled banner* starts playing. It ends.  The thunder crashes so loud my teeth clanked, the sky opens up in a deluge and we hear a *horn*.  Seriously?!?!?!  We are starting now?!?!?! 

So we went.  All 200 or so of us took off running INTO the woods.  I don't mind running in the rain, keeps ya cool.  Well me and my bestie are a giggling mess running and dodging branches when we hear *screaming* up ahead.  Ummmm, no bueno...what is happening.  We come around a bend and there is literally a STREAM flowing across the trail.  Ankle deep my @$$ that is over that girls shins!!!!  Can't go over it...can't go around it...gotta go through it...and "holy f**king $hit that is cold!!!".  Once that was done we were like "oh, mud is fine, this is fine, we are fine.  A little rain wont kill us" *thunder crash* "$hit".  We go a little further and the ENTIRE TRAIL is knee deep water.  Hmmmm I mean it must just be this section...right?!?  .5 mile in and people are turning around.  What should we do?!? "We aren't p***y's, we got this!" 1 mile in, STILL IN KNEE DEEP WATER.  WTF were we thinking?!?!?!  This is a 5k!!!  Holy mother of f**k, I'm gonna die.  We are in SOUTH LOUISIANA...what if there is a gator or a snake or just a raging f**king creek...*lightening streaks overhead*.  OMG hold my hand, I might wash away!!!  Oh yea and its STILL RAINING.

So yea, 3.1 miles of wading through water...in the rain...in the lightening...IN THE WOODS.  There was maybe .1 miles of just mud.  The rest was just below knee deep to OMG I think that touched my vag, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 

That was not a trail run...that was a trail swim.  I had mud, twigs, NATURE in the most unusual places.  We were soaked to the bone.  We were cold.  It took us 1:20 to finish a 5k!!!!!!! I usually do a 5k in 35 min or less. 

Should we have run it...probably not.  But hey now we have a funny story to tell, ha...ha...ha *sigh*. 

I've heard of The Giving Tree but not The Cursing Tree.....?

Its Spring...Summer...almost summer....feels like f**king Summer, anyways its the time of year where I go outside and play in my yard.  Since I am adult this does not consist of me playing Cops & Robbers or riding my bike to the corner.  It means I do gardening...like everyday. 

Yesterday after the torrential downpour (yay humidity) I went outside to murder the overgrown shrubberies in the garden. 

SIDE NOTE - Y'all don't understand.  These things are out of control.  They started off as these cute little shrubs that I kept small.  Then we flooded and weren't there for 6+ months and they became MONSTERS!!!!  We've tried cutting them back but they just keep getting bigger.  Send Help!!!!

I used my handy dandy step ladder because I am a mini person to hack away as much shrubbery as possible.  There is this one...its a holly tree thing that is supposed to be round but occasionally these giant shoots come out of the top.  One is so tall and thick (that's what she said *hahaha*) that I would need a regular ladder & saw to, uh, nip the tip.  Since I am lazy and didn't want to go get the ladder I decided to relive my childhood. 

I sure did Monkey my way up a crape myrtle with a hand saw and garden shears. Because you know climbing a tree is TOTALLY safe...add sharp objects...what could go wrong?  Well since its Spring/Summer everything is in full bloom and bushy.  Meaning once I was up in the tree I was a f**king ninja.  It also meant that as I not so subtly talked *grumbled* to myself people didn't know where the voice was coming from. 

In all fairness I really did do good.  I was wedged in the tree but safely and had the perfect angle to slice & dice.   What I forgot was I was slicing and dicing a f**king Holly Tree.  Do you know what that is?

It is essentially a prickly...prick that is full of sap.  So as I lopped of large branches they fell every which way...usually MY WAY.  I was being pelted with thorn like leaves and was COVERED in sap *ewwwwwwwwwwww*. 

I was so sticky (and scratched up) that my hands were stuck to the yard tools and I had random pieces of nature stuck all over me.  Which included but is not limited to leaves, dirt, & bugs *wah*.  When I was done I tried to drop the shears but they were practically GLUED to my hands (reason number 3 why I should wear gloves) so I started cursing like a f**king sailor.  They finally fell to the ground and I cheered with success "Whoohoo!" and then I heard the laughing, "WTF?"  So I peeked out of the tree.  My NEW neighbor whom I haven't officially met yet is across the street cracking up.  When I poked my head out he basically fell over laughing.  Me: *confused* "what...?" He said *with mirth* "I couldn't see you up there and all I heard was cursing *raised eyebrow* and the tree was shaking like crazy!  I was like 'why is that tree so angry and should I be concerned?'."  At that point I hadn't realized two things.  One, how high up I was and two, that I was basically incognito. 

Time for a long over due intro (no handshakes, lest I stick to him too) so I walked across the street and realized how funny it really was.  He basically saw this shaking and heard colorful profanity.

You see that little gray/beige thing in the tree?  Here let me "zoom in".

That is me but I blended fairly well into the scene so he couldn't see me.  Apparently he found this very funny.  So funny that when his friend...roommate...husband...person came home he told him the story as they were leaving.  I was still outside murdering other shrubs and I waved a polite hello.  I'm sure I looked a sight!  I was covered in sap and nature.  My hair was frizzy (f**king humidity) and sticking out everywhere.  I was sweaty and I was wearing REALLY old loose fitting capri pants and a bleach stained tank top.  HOT MESS!


So that is how the legend of The Cursing Tree began.  I should write a book *hahaha*.

P.S.  yes I drew that, don't laugh.  MS Paint is limited but its super easy and quick to use. 

I feel like mine may have started with, "Hey, hold my beer".

So I saw this on Imgur or Tumblr or Pinterest or...I don't recall which one, I just saved it.  Anyways, I saw it and just keep laughing.

Yes I saw the comments above and yes they are funny...DUCK!

First let me say, I noticed in the comments on the site I was on that some people don't know what a Birth Mark is.  A birth mark is something you are BORN with.  Meaning, it doesn't pop up later in life...those are usually called Moles, Sunspots, Age spots, or Scars.  Birth Mark = a MARK on your baby body that was there when you popped out your momma or shows up shortly after. 

Why is this funny...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...I may or may not have a Birth Mark on my lower butt cheek/upper leg.  Meaning, if this is true then I died from a wound in the @$$.  Maybe I was shot...maybe stabbed...or MAYBE I said "hold my beer" and some "here's your sign" type injury occurred.  Add that to I was probably just as clumsy and well....

I don't know if you've ever jumped into a murky river or lake but those f**kers usually have sticks/logs/etc and they HURT!  Maybe that is why I have a slight "fear" of murky water.  My dumb@$$ former self jumped @$$ first into a river and was impaled.  And then eaten by a gator (heheheheHA).

I also happen to have a perfect dark circle on the back of my shoulder (born with it).  While that doesn't seem life threatening, I guess if it happened a long time ago dying of infection was probably an issue.  Not as "fun" as the other one.  Weeeellll maybe if we think of it as a heroic act saving someone.  Who am I kidding I probably fell while running with scissors...how it impaled me from the back is...I am just THAT talented.  I will say though, that one gets A LOT of attention.  For some reason when people see it they have this uncontrollable urge to poke it..."Um 'scuse you". 

No really, I've had complete strangers touch it.  WTF?!?  Its not gnarly or anything, just a flat mark.  So back in the day, people called it my "button"...don't push my BUTTON(s)! 

People do NOT poke the other one, well my husband does, but he is allowed.  If a stranger "poked" that one, we would have a problem.  I usually use it as a gauge.  If I bend over and you can see my mark...shorts are too short...or I just shouldn't bend over...

Conclusion:  I either died very heroically or I spazzed out or I was shot in the @$$...the possibilities are endless.

Chivalry Is Dead...or just plain old kindness...the will to help others...BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING!

I am not a "the man has to do all the work" kind of girl but I appreciate kindness...whether its from a man or a woman.  Just kindness.  The desire to help another person.  Hold open a door, help load groceries, say THANK YOU!

What had happened was I went to the store for some gardening supplies.  I am FINALLY getting my garden all Spring-ified.  Doing that requires soil, at least 3 massive bags of it.  The hubs was doing yard work so I went alone.  I managed to drag them from the pile into my basket with minimal effort.  I say minimal...it required some interesting moves and a knee lift to flip the bag over into the basket without the basket rolling away.  I think it could be the next dance craze.   




After I finished and did a "subtle" victory dance...

I noticed no less than 4 rather large men standing nearby watching. Not one offered assistance...and one of them was a store employee!  They literally just watched little petite me manhandle 3 bags of soil that are something like 40lbs each!

Whatever it was already done.


I finished my shopping and headed to my car.  New challenge...get oversized bags of soil into my car without having the basket roll away.  For some reason THIS was more challenging.  Why you may ask...well because the f**king basket was being blown by the wind and wouldn't sit still long enough for me to get a good grip to the f**king bag. 

I put my foot through the bottom bars so that it wouldn't move but once I had the bag hoisted up my foot was stuck so I was hopping around on one leg with a 40lb bag of wet dirt as the basket still tried to roll away. I was almost pulled into a split when my foot came loose and I instead tumbled backwards INTO my trunk with a 40lb bag of what is essentially "fancy" mud on top of me. 

The basket escaped and rolled off into the sunset as I grumbled some very unladylike words to anyone who would listen.

My hero turned out to be a 60 something year old woman who had a f**king oxygen tank.  She managed to help me get unpinned while her 8 yr old grandson fetched my basket.  She was my savior.  I am not mocking her for having a tank or for helping me.  I am calling out the 7 people who were nearby who watched me almost injure myself and didn't lift a finger to help me.  Who instead let a medically challenged woman and a young child help me. 

She also offered to help me get the other bags into my car.  I couldn't in good conscience ask her to lift anything so I asked if she could just hold the basket still while I maneuvered the bags.  And still not one f**king person offered help out of 5 men and 2 women watching this unfold.  All of them were young-ish....all capable of at least holding the run away basket.  Nope, no help, they just watched or pretended like they didn't see.

That is MESSED up!  I always offer help, especially if I see someone struggling.  I may not be big but two people lifting a whatever is a lot easier than one!  I thought it was common courtesy to help someone. 

Faith in Humanity LOST.......well some FAITH was saved by the wonderful woman who offered to help me even though she didn't have to. 

Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Oooooh Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

So yesterday is now filed under things I never need to experience again...EVER.  It was a weather thing.  A BAD weather thing.  A REALLY bad weather thing that had 1/2 the state scrambling to shut down early so people wouldn't be on the roads.

The issue wasn't really rain, although that was a factor too.  The bigger issue was HIGH winds and potential tornadic activity.   While I have had the EA (Emergency Alert) on my phone go off before, had the tornado sirens go off before, had my parish calling/texting take shelter before, and even seen a tornado from a distance...I have NEVER been "in" one.  And I could live the rest of my life without experiencing another...PLEASE.

I mean I know we've been on the way "Outskirts" of tornadoes in the past but yesterday was different.  Yesterday was eerie.  I've had bad feelings before but I was a nervous wreck for a good portion of the day yesterday.  Mainly because the weather people were freaking out.  I was catching up on shows I missed when my phone really started going crazy with texts from family.  So I tuned to WDSU and my jaw dropped.  There was a tornado on the ground not far from me.   Thankfully it went just north of me but the fun wasn't over yet.  As I was staring out my back door at the sky I noticed the clouds looked "funny".  They were moving erratically, not in any one direction.  

I was debating if I should grab the animals and jump in the tub when insanity happened. 

- Everything went impossibly still. 
- Then blinding rain started coming down sideways
- There was a loud bang/explosion and the power was gone
- A siren went off 
- My phone went off 
- I grabbed two cats and two dogs and shut myself in the bathroom 

I know they say it sounds like a "train" and I can understand why.  But its not really a train.  It is quite a disturbing sound and hard to describe.  Almost like an angry moan.  It was loud and it went from moan to almost a shrieking.  You could hear $hit slamming into the house and then it was over.  It lasted minutes...seconds...I don't know.  So there I was in the dark, in the bathroom, with my phone screaming at me with alerts & seek shelter phone call/texts, and 4 frightened animals.  I literally just sat there pondering if I should exit the bathroom or hang out for a bit.  I opted to hang out for a bit.

Hubs called a few minutes later.

- Please tell me it missed us!?!?!? And y'all are okay. 
- Ummm I think so...I am in the bathroom and am not sure if I want to leave yet.

I eventually ventured out and *whew* the house was fine.  It took him 20 minutes to get home!  He works less than 5 miles away!!!   But all the damage and downed power lines made him take a crazy route to get home.  He said he was leaving work when it hit.  He said he looked towards our neighborhood and saw black clouds in the sky and a "wall of white".  He couldn't see the road/houses/businesses.

Y'all don't understand...it literally skipped our neighborhood.  2-3 blocks from us in most directions looked like a war zone but our little area just had some branches down, missing shingles, and broken fences...oh and no power.  How...???  It sucks!  Those poor people!!! Its only been three years since the flood and now they are missing roofs because of a f**king tornado!!!

We may not have power till Thursday or Friday...*gulp* that sucks! But ya know what...no power and losing my frozen foods is fine...at least my home, me, and my animals are all good. 

UPDATE - Apparently there were seven tornadoes in the area....SEVEN!!!  What the actual f**k?!!??!?

Spiders are intelligent...they are plotting my demise so they can have my house

Right...so lately I've mentioned my house is the real life set of Arachnophobia.  I really feel like I should start charging rent...or at the very least utilities.  I'll give them a discount if they continue eating critters I don't want around and leave me alone.  But I am getting concerned that we may be past the point of "oh look I have a few spiders" to "you do realize this is their house now?" 

Moving on, I've learned over the years that your vehicle is considered an extension of your property.  Apparently arachnids have learned this as well.  Anyways, I was driving when I turned and was in direct line with the sun.  So I of course pulled down my visor...I squeaked and promptly flipped it right back up.

What had happened was there was a massive brown spider just a chillin on it.  I was going about 75MPH and decided having THAT creature fall on me while driving would probably be bad...mmmkay.  So I "calmly" waited until I got to my 1st destination to investigate further.

To make myself feel better I kept saying "its CLEARLY dead. It has to be dead.  It didn't move when I moved the visor....its DEAD!" Again, I am not scared of spiders but it was HUGE and brown and all I could think of was a brown recluse and I was freaking out a bit because those are no bueno!  So I got to where I was going and "calmly" got out of the car.  I picked up a tissue and moved the visor.  The spider was still in the same spot not moving.

Oh thank god!  He IS dead *whew*.  So I leaned in to pick it up.  This is the point where he decided he was NOT in fact dead and jumped at my face.

I spazzed out so bad.  I mean I REALLY hope that cop behind me did not have his dash cam on because I fear I will be on one of those "hahaha moron" shows.  Here is what happeend.

It jumped
I jumped
I hit my head on the roof of my car
I bent over in pain
I realized that mother f**ker was still on my neck
I re-spazzed

I flung it off of me...back into my car

It landed on the driver's seat
I lunged for it to kill it/get it out of my car
It backed away and REARED up (you know like front legs and FANGS in the air)

I hesitated
It ran into the mechanical hinge of my seat
*blgrablgph ahhhh* I hung my head in defeat

So now what???  I tried finding it with no luck...he is obviously good at hiding.  So I reluctantly got back in my car to drive to my next destination.  What if he surprises me while I am driving again?!?!?!  I am fairly certain it was a Southern House Spider...I think.

No but really what would you do if you saw an extra large one of these right in front of your face???

Our VoIP system is gonig to get me put on some watch list!!!!

So we have this lovely VoIP system at work which allows me to work from ANYWHERE and it is great, right?  Right!  Well what it does is it forwards calls from my office phone to my cell phone so no one is the wiser that I am not in fact sitting at my desk (nothing that new here).  When it does this I see the phone number calling, along with my 3 digit extension tagged on to the end of it.  That is how I know it is work call.

Well after I installed an OS update on my iPhone I started seeing strange Caller IDs.  Normally when I get a call and the person isn't in my contact list, it just says the city they are calling from (Baton Rouge, LA; Amite, LA; New Orleans, LA).  Well with the forwarded calls it now looks like I am recieving calls from all over the world.

I was REALLY confused one day when it said incoming call from Iran...WTF?!?!  Apparently my extension being added to the end of the number is making my phone think the first two digits are the country code.  So when I get a call from different area codes, I get crazy countries.

Examples:

985 numbers are Iran
318 numbers are Netherlands
225 numbers are Côte d'Ivoire
337 numbers are France
504 numbers are Honduras
601 numbers are Malaysia 

So I feel like one day an unmarked black SUV is going to be parked by my house and when I go to get the mail in my Pajamas I will be abducted by some unknown three letter government agency. We are talking full on True Lies situation.  

If y'all don't hear from me for a while THIS is what happened...no doubt. 

Drivers Ed: 101 - also known as common f**king sense

Soooooo while I don't claim to be the BEST driver around, I do understand the rules of the road.  I also understand how IMPORTANT it is to follow said rules.  Things like "when going 10 MPH or more UNDER the speed limit on the highway you should put on your emergency flashers to warn drivers who ARE gong the speed limit (or more) that you are the tortoise to their hare and they should go AROUND you". Or other things like when merging onto the highway don't stop! Well unless traffic is stopped...otherwise you should be speeding UP to merge into traffic. 

Speaking of merging...below is merging...it illustrates your lane MERGING into traffic...you should probably YIELD (NOT STOP) to traffic and assess when you can merge...it sometimes involves a full stop but not always. 

See how the lane flows INTO traffic...see it!?!?!? 

This is also a form of merging...but this doesn't mean STOP!  This barely means yield....this means you have a whole f**king lane to turn into.  You have the right of way....why are you stopping!?!?!!?!?

So jack@$$ if you STOP in this lane...a few things happen. 
1.) I almost rear-end you because you are a tool 
2.) I almost get rear-ended because I had to slam on my brakes
3.) I develop a serious case of turrets, yelling enough profanity to make a sailor blush 
     3b) I will make the lady in another car loose it in a fit of giggles because I am sure a tiny blonde
           yelling at the windshield looks a bit ridiculous

4.) I will lay on my horn until you move your dumb@$$ out the way

No where on that sign does it say stop...it doesn't even say yield.  Actually below said sign it says "maintain speed".  Can you not read?!?!?!

This means stop:

If you don't stop at one of these 1-4 above usually happens again.  See how its RED...red is like "danger Will Robinson"...DANGER...STOP your f**king car, not slow down and accelerate through, that would be YIELDING!

If that was the case, you'd see this:

See it even says YIELD.  It means proceed slowly...not STOP. 

Did we learn something today...aside from I had a bit of road rage this morning and want to punch things...?

Sit on it and spin, Mother F**ker!