I think I'm a Siren...?

Okay maybe not the luring to death part but there is something......there has to be.

I know I've been called a flirt and I know I am friendly but I am not...I don't think I am sending mixed signals...

So I am on an appointment with others from my company. 

I can't say where I was but I can say there was one...individual who...lets just say I wouldn't want to be around him by myself.  He was staring at me and noticed the light pink in the sunlight...he said "Hey gurl, I like yo purty hur". 

Moving on, I was scribbling notes about the appointment and didn't get introduced to the last 2 people to show up so they didn't get my card.  I noticed one wasn't really paying attention to our tech but blew it off.  As we were leaving we all shook hands and skeedaddled. 

Later that afternoon I get a text on my work line from an unknown number.

?:  Hey, this is Bob we weren't cordially introduced earlier.  I just wanted to say hello
Me: Oh, hey.  Nice to "officially" meet you. 
?:  Is this NOLA Gurl?
Me: Yes....
?: I actually wanted to speak but got tied up with *tech*. I Think your real cute got lost for a minute in what I was supposed to be getting right with *tech*. Hope I’m not being to personal?

I didn't know what to do.  He wasn't the first guy, who clearly wanted to scalp me...yay for that but.... On the one hand SOOOOO INAPPROPRIATE.  On the other... Whatever, I called my co-workers.  Because what the heck!

It was suggested not to reply.  Don't even entertain it with a "thanks but no thanks". 

Okay fine...the problem is I have to be around them in the next few weeks!  This is going to be so f**king weird.

I'm sure its innocent but don't do that with a vendor.....  I am a vendor.... its just......I don't know how to voice it but it's just not a good idea to do that...besides the whole HAPPILY MARRIED.  I mean that is a given here.   GAH!

I'm sure he's a very nice guy but.............

Keep your energy away from my energy!

Okay so I am highly tolerant of "unique" people until someone makes me uncomfortable.  Anyways, I had to go supervise a technician today...we were having issues at my place of business and I was asked to be there bc they would be in closed door meetings all day. 

I was sitting at my desk when this 50 something guy wandered into my office while I was on the phone.  He started touching everything on my desk, came around the back of my desk, and stared at me until I hung up....

I started to pay closer attention to him as I rolled backwards...He looked like a weird overweight mix of Doc Brown (wild hair and receding hairline) & Wayne Campbell...and wore tinted glasses.

Me: Can I help you?  

Him: I need to tell your boss something. 

Me: Ummm tell me, I'll tell her.

He tells me a bunch of crap I know is nonsense.

Then looks at a quote on my desk and says "well I don't agree with that".

Me: Yea, I don't even know what "that" says, a vendor gave it to me...

He then proceeds to go on a 10 min one sided conversation about "Energies" and how we project them and feel them from others. 

Him: You see when I came in here I was projecting an energy that your energy felt.  Did you feel it?

Me: Oh you mean the "he's not creepy vibe"

Him: Yes! Your energies realized I wasn't creepy therefore not a threat *uncomfortable eye contact*

Him: That is how we know when to....trust people and why we do the things we do

Me: Sooooo, like a gut instinct...?  Yea I get those A LOT.

Him: That's Great!  It will keep you safe.....and balance your zen.

Me: *clears throat* So you gonna go do all that...stuff...you said with the system?

*walks out*

What the hell?!?!?!  Over an hour later I go potty.  As I am walking back to my desk...

Me: Hi....

*tells me more BS about the system* He got uncomfortably close to me and said "Do you ever just try to avoid people...who are negative? Or positive people when you are...negative?"  did I mention he smelled like cigarettes, sweat, and stale coffee.

Me: Yes......... *backing up*

Him: *gently grabs my wrist* That's your energy reacting to their energies.

I calmly extracted myself, said..."K, leave the bill on the table" ...walked in my office and locked the door.  I messaged my boss. 

Either he was on something...smoked something...or forgot to takes his meds.  He was CREEPY but didn't seem realize it.. .and had no sense of personal space!

He was probably harmless...maybe...I hope...but I hate to think if he wasn't and I was actually alone.  Every warning was going off in my head telling me to run.

And yes, we had to report it because half the time one of us is alone. 

Calm down there, Hannibal

Went get lunch...almost became lunch....

Me: *standing in line being oblivious*
Guy: You smell delectable
Me: *trying to ignore the conversation behind me*
Guy: *tap tap* Seriously what is that scent, I could devour you
Me: *wtf* *turn around* Excuse me?
Guy: Sorry but whatever your wearing smells so incredibly tasty
Me: *blushing* Right...um its an oil perfume I just got as a sample...

Guy: *looking dazed* What scent is it?!

Me: Uhhhh I...don't....know...I remember something about pomegranates and marshmallows...
Guy: Since I can't eat you, guess I'm getting pomegranates and marshmallows for dinner

Me: *jaw drop* what?!

Guy: No...wait...no...sorry....
Me: Its...wow...ok....*hysterical laughter*
Guy: *beet red* Jesus...seriously...sorry!!! 

I ordered my food and went and hid in the corner until it was ready....

What just happened?!?!?  What is in my new perfume...?!?!?  Who says that?!?

I really don't think he was hitting on me intentionally.  I don't even think he realized what he was saying...maybe...was I being punk'd?!?!!?

SIDE NOTE - this was paraphrased but you get the gist and he truthfully was CREEPY about it!

"waiter, there is a hair in my soup"

"Ma'am, its attached to your finger nail"

LINK

No...just no...JUST NO!  I feel like I have to state I really don't care what your fashion style is but this seems incredibly unsanitary.  There is a reason humans don't have hairy fingers...well evolution but can you imagine what would live in finger fur?!?!?!

Seriously give it a think...I'll wait....

Were these the progression of your thoughts...because they were mine the more I thought about it...

The hills can kiss my @$$!

Right anyway.  This city girl went to the mountains.  Well I say Mountains....apparently they were "foothills" but when you come from under sea level elevation, even a 100 ft hill is a f**king mountain. 

To get there we had to drive through nothing. Like hours where there was farm land, an occasional house, and MAYBE a gas station that looked straight out of an after school special titled "don't stop at the corner shop".  While driving in nowhere USA I saw a hand painted sign that said "Jesus is the reason...FOR LIFE!!!" nailed to a tree in the middle of a forest...nothing to be seen for MILES around until a clearing with a miniature crucifixion. 

We reached some form of civilization and saw a store (I really needed to tee tee).  Joe's One Stop Shop...gas, food, fishing license, notary, 24 hr adult toys, smoke, & vape **Restrooms Available**.  (I made up the name...I don't remember the business name and did not take a pic but I wrote down as much as I could remember as we sped by)

We kept going until I was about to lose control of my bladder.  We stopped at another location that had an OUTHOUSE!  I mean it had electricity and running water but it was out back, all alone, with a pad locked door.  When I flushed water came up from the floor.  When I went wash my hands I realized the elbow pipe was missing and soaked my feet.

When we finally got to the mountains I basically had a coronary in the car.  There is no guardrail and the shoulder is barely the width of me.  "Oh hello there drop off".  It was so steep there were signs telling you to "brake check" before you went any further, just in case.  And other signs telling larger vehicles to use lower gears.  And there were "run off" areas for run away 18-wheelers...Two narrow lanes...THAT'S IT!

I was white-knuckling it the whole 100 miles through that insanity. 

But we made it *whew*.

We were out in the middle of NO WHERE at a hotel in the "mountains".  I mean the closest Walmart was like 80 miles away.  I am pretty sure I heard dueling banjos at least once as we hiked through the wilderness.  

Oh yea and someone saw a 10 point buck less than 30 feet away, a red fox playing off the path, what I think was a small cougar or enormous house cat hanging out in the parking lot...and lots bats...seriously the amount of bats was kind of unnerving. 

Clearly I made it back alive and it was GORGEOUS but I've come to the conclusion that although I love the outdoors, I'd rather be at or near sea level... 

Or maybe space...I think I could do space

And here we have a skelton shaking its hips...they don't lie

Shut up, I am funny.  And delirious.  I probably find it funnier because of the delirium.  This should be a wild ride...buckle up. 

I found this while cleaning...First I had NO idea peeling labels could be so gratifying.

I mean look at that pure unadulterated ecstasy.  Oh yea, peels so good!  I feel dirty just looking at this.  I clearly happened upon someone in the midst of enjoying their fetish.  Oh my bad...I'll just...soooooo what are you going to DO with that label...?  But for real...what was the photographers direction???  "I want you to peel that label like you are on the verge of experiencing the most satisfying orgasm of your life." 

I am concerned...I think my friend is saving body parts. *gulp*

What do I do!?!?!  Except that is clearly NOT human. Alien?  Fae?  Dragon?!?!  Do I call Mulder or the Winchesters or maybe Bo?  I was informed it is a "Buddha's Hand"...right...sure...*wink, wink*.  So really...are you a hunter???  What is it?!!?!?  Why is it in Vodka???  What else are you hiding...?  *eeeeep*

So these are NOT craft pieces...

These are edible ball bearings, also known as dragees.  They are basically sugar with a shiny coating.  It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize that these were "food", considering I didn't know what the definition of dragees was.  Then all I could think of was "Have you ever had those little cakes, with the crunchy ball bearings on top... ever had those... those things? Nobody else in the entire galaxy has ever even bothered to make edible ball bearings! Genius!" (10th Doctor - Fear Her) These look like real metal, dammit (yes, I know that is the point).  I feel like I'd crack a tooth or something. 


*lalala* when suddenly a life size blowup Batman hiding in the aisle.  Jesu....I need an adult and new pants!!!!!  That is f**king terrifying!

I'm Batman

Why!?!?  Seriously though.  It is fairly true to size...well I mean like small adult size.  If I got down in the same position it was only slightly larger.  Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night and seeing that silhouette in the living room?!?! *ahhhhh* "I need new undies...and possibly a new heart".  Also...what is with the arm/fist placement.  It is very...uh..."suggestive".  He's like semi stroking it AND enjoying it!  Or a least doing the motion.  No really when the air catches it, the arm lazily pumps up and down while the head slowly nods...."Oh my god, does no one else see how wrong this is?!?!?"  Everything about this screams *not suitable for children* NC-17...X-Rated...(okay maybe I am being a tad dramatic) but there were so MANY parents placing children to take pics in the arms of this blow up "masturbating" monstrosity.  (I would have taken a video but there was a line of kids waiting)

That was a very misleading headline!!!! I was extremely confused...concerned...and a bit grossed out.....

What I saw:

"This Speaker Lets Your Vagina Play Music"

What else am I going to think with that pic and headline other than "If you have enough air coming out of your hoohah to play music you might want to see a doctor ASAP".  Or you may want to contact America's Got Talent because this is a new one in my book!!!!!

My curiosity won out and I read the article.  OMG that makes so much more sense...still weird and disturbing though.  So its a speaker you stick into your vag that plays music for your unborn child.  Ahhhh okay.  Sooooo why would you want to stick a vibrating silicone speaker in your lady parts, when you can just put headphones/a speaker on your belly and be done with it...?  Call me old fashioned but this is weird and unnecessary, right? 

"With Babypod, babies learn to vocalize from the womb."
Ummm while I am all about early development and intelligence...this is weird.  I'm having flashes of a freshly birthed newborn quoting Shakespeare or something.  Oh God what if mom listens to death metal...welcome future serial killer. I'm totally joking...we all know serial killers listen to classical music *see Hannibal Lector*.

"Something great has been achieved, babies start to communicate before birth."
This makes me uncomfortable.  Kicks and stretches and cute stuff on the ultrasound, okay but communication...even remedial forms from a fetus...it sounds very sci-fi esque. *ultrasound noise*  "And here we see your baby at 22 weeks...wait...is he flipping us off?!?  What an @$$hole!"

Ya know what if I ever am able to get preggo, I think I'll just stick to headphones on the belly, if that.  It may be old school but I see no difference in the delivery of the music.   If its in your vag there is still a barrier between the tunes and the baby.  I just...this is just weird!  It seems like a scam to get expecting moms to spend $133 (seriously?!?!?!) on something that may or may not do anything other than piss off your unborn baby because it wants to sleep not be vibrating, while listening to your stupid music.  Dammit mom I hate you and I'm not even born yet!!! This is how the Stewies of the world are created!