That's some Arachnophobia level weirdness

I am not scared of spiders BUT I feel like if I lived in Australia I would develop some sort of phobia.

In case the video fails.... 

At this point I'd have been a bit freaked out...but she got him out....

"Surprise Mother F**ker!!!"  About here I would have $hit a brick

 JFC I saw a movie about this ...it doesn't end well for the person driving

I mean she FINALLY got rid of it. After four days.  I think I would have burned the car...

Yea yea, its a "harmless" spider but STILL!  If it jumped on my face while driving its not so harmless.  

Am I part spider? Why do I attract spiders?!? Do I speak spider?!? Like Parseltongue but for arachnids......

For real though, I seriously seem to attract arachnids.  They don't harm me...just scare the bejesus out of me on a fairly regular basis.  As I've stated in the past I have no fear of our little arachnid friends.  I rather like them since they eat other critters.  But that still doesn't mean I like them visible in my vicinity...especially when I am driving! 

Let me set the scene.  It was a gorgeous fall day.  Perfect to ride with the windows down.  I went run some errands.  Now mind you, since not long ago I walked out to see I had webbing all over my car, I usually check for stowaways.  I saw none.  So I went about my afternoon enjoying the wind blowing through my open windows with the radio up loud, playing "Can't stop the feeling" (this is important). 

I was going about 40MPH down a two lane country road possibly singing off key when I noticed something out the corner of my eye.  It looked like some foliage stuck in my side mirror coming loose.  That is about when I realized the foliage looked like a crab, WTF?!?  And then it came loose...WTAF?!?!

Me: "can't stop the....what the mother f**king, holy $hitballs!  OMG is that a f**king crustacean?!?!"  
Spider: *looks at me* 'sup?
Me: *screaming like a banshee* 

I mean it looked at me as best a multi-eyed arachnid can look at you.  I'm sure you are thinking it came loose and was thrown into my car because of the wind.  Oh no no no, apparently Mr. Spider just wanted to feel the breeze through his leg hairs.  That mother f**ker was parasailing from my freaking mirror.  You don't understand...there was no shoulder...there was no parking lot to turn into...just a ditch on either side, some trees and a random driveway here and there. As in, there was no stopping...

very bad artist rendering

 Yes yes I know, it looks like an engorged tick but you get the gist of my freak out...right?!?!?!?

So I get the window up and lose track of it.  I guess it flew off...or is still hiding in my mirror....who knows. 

Anyway, a few days later I am using the potty and "surprise"... a rather large wolf spider is dangling inches from my face. 

I am in a very vulnerable position here...NOT FUNNY!

In conclusion I attract spiders...am I spider woman?  Do I have a suppressed super power!?!?!   Just call me the Spider Whisperer.  It's like Ant-man but I don't have a suit. 

Spider clan, spider clan...does whatever a spider clan does...

...like reproduce...and leave its sack of off spring dangling above my front door *nervous laughter*.

Right so...yea.  Um. Okay.  So the other half is out of town...meaning its just me if you don't count the dogs and cats.  Anyway, I got home from makin groceries when I noticed a white glob above the door.  *hmmmm* "well that's odd".  It was dusk and I really couldn't see well so I thought it was rubbish that got stuck from the wind storm we had.  Oh ho ho no, I couldn't be that lucky.

So after I got all the groceries inside I went to investigate.  It was in the upper corner (well out of my shorty reach) so I had to get kinda close to see it. with my phone light  At this point I realized it looked like...silk.  "Ummmmm, WTF, over".   It also looked to be hidden behind a fine webbing *crap crap crap*. 

Logical Brain: Its a cocoon...you know like a butterfly
Paranoid Brain: Its the f**king egg sack of the mother of all arachnids!  Someone call the Doctor, we have a Racnoss infestation.  
Logical Brain: Quit watching so much Sci-Fi, its just a cocoon. 
Paranoid Brain: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh *whimper, whimper*

So of course I have to get rid of this or fear being the first meal of these lovelies.  What does any logical being do...?

Which is exactly what I did.  I heard a crunch like sound...and then it MOVED.  You know that creepy "Oh my god something is slithering under the surface" move.

I crept back to it and managed to detach it from the door frame with my "trusty" stick...all the while going "OMG omg omg, ewwww, ahhhhh, *sobbing*".  All I could picture was f**king arachnophobia!!!  You know that barn scene *shudder*. 

It detached with a pop and crashed to the ground. It was worming around so I, uh, I...dropped a boot on it.  And it immediately burst open releasing a gazillion tiny spiders onto my car port.

I tapped danced on a few and sprayed RAID on the rest.  I think I need an exterminator...my solutions aren't working...I need an adult...I am clearly adulting wrong....someone help me!

After I finished murdering the babies I heard laughter.  "WTF" *peeks around corner*.  My neighbor was outside BBQ-ing and saw my antics.  God help me if he ever starts recording me...

Spiders are intelligent...they are plotting my demise so they can have my house

Right...so lately I've mentioned my house is the real life set of Arachnophobia.  I really feel like I should start charging rent...or at the very least utilities.  I'll give them a discount if they continue eating critters I don't want around and leave me alone.  But I am getting concerned that we may be past the point of "oh look I have a few spiders" to "you do realize this is their house now?" 

Moving on, I've learned over the years that your vehicle is considered an extension of your property.  Apparently arachnids have learned this as well.  Anyways, I was driving when I turned and was in direct line with the sun.  So I of course pulled down my visor...I squeaked and promptly flipped it right back up.

What had happened was there was a massive brown spider just a chillin on it.  I was going about 75MPH and decided having THAT creature fall on me while driving would probably be bad...mmmkay.  So I "calmly" waited until I got to my 1st destination to investigate further.

To make myself feel better I kept saying "its CLEARLY dead. It has to be dead.  It didn't move when I moved the visor....its DEAD!" Again, I am not scared of spiders but it was HUGE and brown and all I could think of was a brown recluse and I was freaking out a bit because those are no bueno!  So I got to where I was going and "calmly" got out of the car.  I picked up a tissue and moved the visor.  The spider was still in the same spot not moving.

Oh thank god!  He IS dead *whew*.  So I leaned in to pick it up.  This is the point where he decided he was NOT in fact dead and jumped at my face.

I spazzed out so bad.  I mean I REALLY hope that cop behind me did not have his dash cam on because I fear I will be on one of those "hahaha moron" shows.  Here is what happeend.

It jumped
I jumped
I hit my head on the roof of my car
I bent over in pain
I realized that mother f**ker was still on my neck
I re-spazzed

I flung it off of me...back into my car

It landed on the driver's seat
I lunged for it to kill it/get it out of my car
It backed away and REARED up (you know like front legs and FANGS in the air)

I hesitated
It ran into the mechanical hinge of my seat
*blgrablgph ahhhh* I hung my head in defeat

So now what???  I tried finding it with no luck...he is obviously good at hiding.  So I reluctantly got back in my car to drive to my next destination.  What if he surprises me while I am driving again?!?!?!  I am fairly certain it was a Southern House Spider...I think.

No but really what would you do if you saw an extra large one of these right in front of your face???

Drugs are bad mmm'kay...and so are idle minds...or is that hands...I'm really bad at these words of wisdom

Driving in a neighboring parish I was behind what looked like some sort of police vehicle.  As I got closer, I could read what was on the back, "Meth Lab Response Team".  What?!?  I mean I know we have "Narcotics" teams but when did we start having teams specific to the type of drug??? 

Then I thought about it and realized they are probably HIGHLY specialized because Meth Labs are a bit volatile.  Add in the ones that are mobile (yes there are mobile meth labs...one blew on the interstate a few years back) and you have a 2 ton bomb on wheels, *I so scared*.   So I guess that kind of response team makes quite a bit of sense but it is terrifying to think that the threat is present enough to warrant the creation of such a team. 

In other news I made an ice...thing and I don't know how....

It's a unicorn ice.  It's the last of its kind...and I killed it *muahahaha*.  I laughed as it melted away in my lime water, "Mmmm tastes like extermination".  Wait...ewwwww.  Sorry, sorry, I'll stop channeling my inner pepper pot serial killer.  It's like it froze mid-splash...but I don't have THAT good of a freezer.  I'm lucky if my ice trays freeze after hours of being in there.  How did this happen?????  Maybe my freezer is trying to kill me...

Moving on.  I saw Speedy smacking his lips and kind of foaming a bit around the mouth,"hmmm odd".  Concerned  what he could possibly have gotten into now, I yelled.  He shook his head and I saw something fall on the floor *raised eyebrow*.  Hmmm, it looks like "Ahhh ewww" *drops it back on the floor* WTF?!?!

Please ignore my neglected nails

Yes, that is what you think it is, I think...well as long as you think its some sort of arachnid.  All that is left is the body and ONE leg.  And can I just say, I am not scared of spiders (obviously, I am holding its remains) but that "body" is quite large for my liking.  He's fine so I am thinking not poisonous BUT why is my house suddenly the real life set of Arachnophobia?!?!  Two days before this he started jumping around shaking his head and we found a half dead (shoosh) LARGE house spider on the floor.  Recently, I've cleared WAY more webs from my corners than I'd like to admit.  And we've both been the victim of tiny spiders crawling on us while sitting on the couch.  Did I drop acid and forget???  I don't understand!!! I use Home Defense and I've been using it for YEARS with no issues!  It's tag line is "Kills bugs inside, keeps bugs out!"!!! It keeps everything else out...WTH!?!?!

Ahhhhhhh!