It has fur!

That's it. I am so done. Like BEYOND done.  

I had to venture to an office today for meetings.  I do not venture to this place often.  I do not want to venture to this place ever again....

I should have known when I walked in something was wrong.  It smelled stale.  Almost like the air was heavy.

I walked to my desk and started to prep for the day.  When I went to put the laptop down I noticed my wrist rest and mousepad were light green. Hmmm that's weird since they used to be black.  Mind you I'm still caffeinating so it takes my brain a second to process that they are not only green but also appear to have fur.  

OMG its mold!  WTF why is there MOLD only on my wrist thingy and mousepad.  Then I looked closer at my chair.  My chair is a khaki color so the green wasn't immediately noticeable. Upon closer inspection you could see the tiny circles of fur.  

That's when I realized there was also a thin layer on the wood. 

F**k this I am NOT staying in here.  I moved to another empty office.  Once settled I started my day.  

About 2 hours later I was bent over getting something out of my backpack when something on the carpet caught my eye. 

Once my eyes focused I realized it most definitely had legs and...wings (?). OMG its a tiny dead bug who shall not be named!!!!  Then I shifted and saw another, a little further away another. *WTHF WTF* F**K F**K.

I got up and walked around.  That's when I realized there were tiny dead ones ALL OVER THE PLACE!  

The carpet is that weird office carpet that shows basically no stains so they were camouflaged.  Then I saw some in the kitchen and on the stairs and just f**k me!  I know they are dead but COME ON!

I determine I am leaving after my meeting eff this, this is not a safe work environment! The other person there agreed. 

After my meeting I go to use the restroom and good thing I was already on the toilet otherwise I may have pissed myself!  I turned to get some TP and see movement behind me.  

When I look there is a f**king spider the size of my hand just chilling on the wall.  

Now I am not generally scared of spiders but....

I think nature is reclaiming this land.  

I'm too old to become an Avenger!

To stay healthy and sane, I've started going on lunchtime walks.  Nothing intense just a quick jaunt in my neighborhood, maybe 1-2 miles.  It's actually quite cathartic.  I can escape the stress of the day and get some cardio. 

Today as I was mindlessly roaming the empty streets I suddenly felt a SHARP pain in my right bicep.  Like it was so bad I slapped myself because clearly I was being attacked.  

I had on a long sleeve shirt and fully expected to see a creature smooshed on my shirt or a bee or something.  When I looked nothing was there.  Hmmmm.  I rubbed my arm for a sec and it seemed fine so I continued on.  

The day was absolutely chaotic after I got back and I forgot about it.  Flash forward to shower time.  As I was scrubba dub dubbing I had a sharp pain in my arm.

When I looked I saw a fairly large "pimple" complete with a decent sized white head. 

I was careful as I cleaned it and the rest of me.  When I got out to better lighting I tried to examine it further.  It was warm and hurt to the touch.

As I was messing with it the white head came off and it started bleeding.

I am almost certain its a Spider Bite, so I cleaned it well, put ointment on it, and took a tylenol.  

Let's hope it's just a house spider or something my weird skin had a reaction to and I didn't walk into a more venomous creature....

UPDATE:

Next day, swelling is down A LOT but I can clearly see two tiny punctures so yea if I start literally climbing the walls, we know why.  

Spiders are such @$$holes!!!

While I am not deathly afraid of our 8 legged little friends, they can startle me...especially if they are on the larger side. 

I haven't seen many in our house.  Usually they are outside or very very tiny.  We do home defense so very few creepy crawlers actually make it inside *whew*.

I was home sick the other day.  Freaking stomach bug.  I thought I was going to DIE!  It was...it was bad.  Nothing was staying in like it was supposed to.

Moving on.  I was sitting on my windowsill in my office talking to my boss while trying not to die.  We hung up and I kinda just sat there...completely worn out.  When suddenly I see something brown about the size of a silver dollar running towards me quickly. 

I almost $hit myself...LITERALLY.  I screamed and jumped out the way, it turned and ran towards me again *screeeech* "Mother F**ker!!!!"

I found the closest thing to me (a notebook) and slammed it down.  *lift* *peek* that f**ker started running at me again! 

Apparently notebook + carpet doesn't kill mutant spiders.  So I ripped out a piece of paper and used my hand to squish.  *lift* *peek* It started moving towards me on like 3 legs.  "Oh COME ON!"

I ground that b**ch into the carpet! Success *happy dance* *stomach rolled and dropped* "uh oh". 

I don't know what kind of spider it was but based on the "aggression", I am concerned.  Usually house spiders run away from you not towards you!!! 

But I guess you never know.  I checked my desk for a web/nest but I didn't see anything. 

I am happy to leave house spiders alone...they kill other critters for me but I'd rather the venomous ones went elsewhere *shudder*. 

That's some Arachnophobia level weirdness

I am not scared of spiders BUT I feel like if I lived in Australia I would develop some sort of phobia.

In case the video fails.... 

At this point I'd have been a bit freaked out...but she got him out....

"Surprise Mother F**ker!!!"  About here I would have $hit a brick

 JFC I saw a movie about this ...it doesn't end well for the person driving

I mean she FINALLY got rid of it. After four days.  I think I would have burned the car...

Yea yea, its a "harmless" spider but STILL!  If it jumped on my face while driving its not so harmless.  

Am I part spider? Why do I attract spiders?!? Do I speak spider?!? Like Parseltongue but for arachnids......

For real though, I seriously seem to attract arachnids.  They don't harm me...just scare the bejesus out of me on a fairly regular basis.  As I've stated in the past I have no fear of our little arachnid friends.  I rather like them since they eat other critters.  But that still doesn't mean I like them visible in my vicinity...especially when I am driving! 

Let me set the scene.  It was a gorgeous fall day.  Perfect to ride with the windows down.  I went run some errands.  Now mind you, since not long ago I walked out to see I had webbing all over my car, I usually check for stowaways.  I saw none.  So I went about my afternoon enjoying the wind blowing through my open windows with the radio up loud, playing "Can't stop the feeling" (this is important). 

I was going about 40MPH down a two lane country road possibly singing off key when I noticed something out the corner of my eye.  It looked like some foliage stuck in my side mirror coming loose.  That is about when I realized the foliage looked like a crab, WTF?!?  And then it came loose...WTAF?!?!

Me: "can't stop the....what the mother f**king, holy $hitballs!  OMG is that a f**king crustacean?!?!"  
Spider: *looks at me* 'sup?
Me: *screaming like a banshee* 

I mean it looked at me as best a multi-eyed arachnid can look at you.  I'm sure you are thinking it came loose and was thrown into my car because of the wind.  Oh no no no, apparently Mr. Spider just wanted to feel the breeze through his leg hairs.  That mother f**ker was parasailing from my freaking mirror.  You don't understand...there was no shoulder...there was no parking lot to turn into...just a ditch on either side, some trees and a random driveway here and there. As in, there was no stopping...

very bad artist rendering

 Yes yes I know, it looks like an engorged tick but you get the gist of my freak out...right?!?!?!?

So I get the window up and lose track of it.  I guess it flew off...or is still hiding in my mirror....who knows. 

Anyway, a few days later I am using the potty and "surprise"... a rather large wolf spider is dangling inches from my face. 

I am in a very vulnerable position here...NOT FUNNY!

In conclusion I attract spiders...am I spider woman?  Do I have a suppressed super power!?!?!   Just call me the Spider Whisperer.  It's like Ant-man but I don't have a suit. 

And that's how you realize you should have just stayed in bed

To say it has been a rough week is an absolute under statement.  Work is work is work.  Its been a rough week but whatever.  Add in crazy psycho weather with a dash of tornadoes and it gets worse.  Compound that with stupid f**king animal that decides the best way to remove an annoying growth is to chew it off and you start wondering what divinity you pissed off.

So work sucks.  Weather sucks.  House looks like a murder scene and now dog needs surgery...SUCKS!  But I was coping.  Then I got to work today and went to use the facilities.  I almost started crying...almost.  Instead I started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop.  We are talking full blown gut aching laughter complete with silent laugh and clapping.  God help me I have lost it.

Why, is probably the question you are asking. Why would I lose it laughing in the ladies room of all places.  And no it isn't anything gross.  You see we recently moved, right?  Well in the move we went from the Taj Mahal to Taj Mah-what the f**k.  Meaning the place we moved into was a bit below our normal standards.  Everything is "cheap".  I am not being snobby, you can do cheap and still have nice.  This is cheap...like falling apart cheap or non-functional cheap.

Side Note - There were SPIDERS in my office!  I do not fear spiders but I do not like them hanging out above me watching me work!!!  I've heard of an angel on your shoulder but a spider...no thank you!  And...AND there were mouse traps everywhere!!!  What kind of dirty @$$ people worked here?!?!?!?

One of the cheap items is a toilet paper holder in the ladies room. This is no ordinary holder.  My holders at home are nothing fancy...BUT THEY WORK.  This was one of those ones that only has the two arms that "grip" the TP, without the spring loaded tube in the middle.  The problem is this one is jacked up and doesn't grip correctly.  Meaning when you tried to get TP it either gave you one square at a time or wouldn't move or would come lose causing you to spastically catch it while trying to maintain your dignity on the porcelain throne.

Well today this POS TP holder sent me to the edge of sanity.  I reached for the TP and pulled.  The TP popped off the holder and rolled 4 feet away from me.  So there I was...jeans around the ankles with one square of TP as I watched the roll, keep on rolling out of my reach. Before waddle walking with my jeans around my ankles, I just busted out laughing.

I could have cried in frustration but instead I giggled...and giggled...and giggled...and snorted.  So much so that when I finally made it out the bathroom our janitor was like "jew okay...? *sideways stare*" *sigh* Si senor, I'm okay.

Spider clan, spider clan...does whatever a spider clan does...

...like reproduce...and leave its sack of off spring dangling above my front door *nervous laughter*.

Right so...yea.  Um. Okay.  So the other half is out of town...meaning its just me if you don't count the dogs and cats.  Anyway, I got home from makin groceries when I noticed a white glob above the door.  *hmmmm* "well that's odd".  It was dusk and I really couldn't see well so I thought it was rubbish that got stuck from the wind storm we had.  Oh ho ho no, I couldn't be that lucky.

So after I got all the groceries inside I went to investigate.  It was in the upper corner (well out of my shorty reach) so I had to get kinda close to see it. with my phone light  At this point I realized it looked like...silk.  "Ummmmm, WTF, over".   It also looked to be hidden behind a fine webbing *crap crap crap*. 

Logical Brain: Its a cocoon...you know like a butterfly
Paranoid Brain: Its the f**king egg sack of the mother of all arachnids!  Someone call the Doctor, we have a Racnoss infestation.  
Logical Brain: Quit watching so much Sci-Fi, its just a cocoon. 
Paranoid Brain: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh *whimper, whimper*

So of course I have to get rid of this or fear being the first meal of these lovelies.  What does any logical being do...?

Which is exactly what I did.  I heard a crunch like sound...and then it MOVED.  You know that creepy "Oh my god something is slithering under the surface" move.

I crept back to it and managed to detach it from the door frame with my "trusty" stick...all the while going "OMG omg omg, ewwww, ahhhhh, *sobbing*".  All I could picture was f**king arachnophobia!!!  You know that barn scene *shudder*. 

It detached with a pop and crashed to the ground. It was worming around so I, uh, I...dropped a boot on it.  And it immediately burst open releasing a gazillion tiny spiders onto my car port.

I tapped danced on a few and sprayed RAID on the rest.  I think I need an exterminator...my solutions aren't working...I need an adult...I am clearly adulting wrong....someone help me!

After I finished murdering the babies I heard laughter.  "WTF" *peeks around corner*.  My neighbor was outside BBQ-ing and saw my antics.  God help me if he ever starts recording me...