Count your blessings!

Alright, its that time of year where we see all of our "lovely" family.  And can I say...I feel like a busted can of biscuits compared to most.  I'm not far per se but I am not in shape. Things are popping out where they aren't supposed to.

With that said I've been around friends and family that look AMAZING.  They are slim and trim and not busting out like I am.  Well I say like I am.  Let me be clear.  I still am small.  Like way smaller than most but I am not as fit as before.  As in I am a bit...um...soft. 

It's a bit annoying.  I am NOT the inactive...soft type.  But then I took a step back.  The ones that are...more fit.  They are the ones that are divorced...separated...not in any type of relationship or "real" job.  They aren't stable.

I don't wish ill on anyone but that really puts things in perspective.  I have an AMAZING husband, beautiful friends, and supportive family.  Yea I am not in the shape I used to be in.  I am 100% certain I may be in SIGNIFICANT pain for the LA half but...I am happy. 

That means something right?  I have the great hubby.  I have the good job.  I have a really good life.   It's not always perfect but its mine. 

Anyways point being...yea they look good because they are working out to meet a new beau but I look like me.  I am 100% going to start running more.  But for me, not for anyone else.  I could be jealous but I'm not.  I wouldn't trade my squishy@$$ with an awesome home life for their rock hard abs but no one to go home to. 

That sounds really judge-y but I honestly don't mean it to  be.  I mean it more as a "the grass isn't always greener".  That's what I see.  Yea they look great but the CRAP they are dealing with isn't great. I hope it gets better for them...seriously I do.

So off I go to try and be a better me but not at the cost of my really good life. 

Peace out peeps!  Be happy with you.  Be happy with what you have.  Happy New Year my lovelies and don't forget to see what you have and stop stressing about what you don't. 

Drivers Ed: 101 - also known as common f**king sense

Soooooo while I don't claim to be the BEST driver around, I do understand the rules of the road.  I also understand how IMPORTANT it is to follow said rules.  Things like "when going 10 MPH or more UNDER the speed limit on the highway you should put on your emergency flashers to warn drivers who ARE gong the speed limit (or more) that you are the tortoise to their hare and they should go AROUND you". Or other things like when merging onto the highway don't stop! Well unless traffic is stopped...otherwise you should be speeding UP to merge into traffic. 

Speaking of merging...below is merging...it illustrates your lane MERGING into traffic...you should probably YIELD (NOT STOP) to traffic and assess when you can merge...it sometimes involves a full stop but not always. 

See how the lane flows INTO traffic...see it!?!?!? 

This is also a form of merging...but this doesn't mean STOP!  This barely means yield....this means you have a whole f**king lane to turn into.  You have the right of way....why are you stopping!?!?!!?!?

So jack@$$ if you STOP in this lane...a few things happen. 
1.) I almost rear-end you because you are a tool 
2.) I almost get rear-ended because I had to slam on my brakes
3.) I develop a serious case of turrets, yelling enough profanity to make a sailor blush 
     3b) I will make the lady in another car loose it in a fit of giggles because I am sure a tiny blonde
           yelling at the windshield looks a bit ridiculous

4.) I will lay on my horn until you move your dumb@$$ out the way

No where on that sign does it say stop...it doesn't even say yield.  Actually below said sign it says "maintain speed".  Can you not read?!?!?!

This means stop:

If you don't stop at one of these 1-4 above usually happens again.  See how its RED...red is like "danger Will Robinson"...DANGER...STOP your f**king car, not slow down and accelerate through, that would be YIELDING!

If that was the case, you'd see this:

See it even says YIELD.  It means proceed slowly...not STOP. 

Did we learn something today...aside from I had a bit of road rage this morning and want to punch things...?

Sit on it and spin, Mother F**ker!

Stop being an @$$hole *drops mic*

This is a RANT, I just have to get this out before I explode....you have been warned.

No but really, I don't understand the need to be a prick just for the sake of being a prick.  I get that we all have bad days but lately I have been witness to ADULTS treating children, their adult kids, other adults, etc poorly and then blaming it on something else (that happened a LOOOONG time ago).  What is sad...this is more than one adult.  Having one do any of this is bad enough but I've been exposed to THREE!

I try to remove myself from drama, its why I live 30+ min away from everyone.  I could move closer but every time I consider it, BS like this happens and I am like, I don't need this crap.  As much as I try to be drama free I get sucked into it from time to time.  The difference between myself and others that were sucked in is I am going to give you options on how to fix it.  If you have been b**ching about the SAME THING for the last 'x' number of years I am going to get real with you and tell you it is time to STOP!  If you are using something that happened more than 5 minutes ago as an excuse to be a twat to everyone, I am going to loud cap you next time you say something in front of me.  Not because I am an @$$hole...because I am going to protect the people I care about from your toxic behavior since I have now been dragged into this nonsense.  But you won't say that in front of me because you only ever do this in small groups and I am never "alone" with you.  You are a coward...you attack women when no one else is around to defend them or hear how f**ked up you actually are. 

Let me reiterate that I hate when people take out their aggressions on others.  I am sorry that your life went to $hit but 99% of the time the person you are ripping apart had nothing to do with that and you are just pouring your anger into them because they are there.  NOT COOL!  Ever!  If it happens once, I will forgive it but if it happens repeatedly with the same person(s), you my dear are a bully and I have lost respect for you.  When my little one calls me crying because you verbally abused them, I see red and sorry but once that happens it will be very hard for me to forget.  I am the type that I take $hit up until a point but once I am past it, I am done.  So let me say that if a person knows certain things bother one of my littles and they continue to use those things to purposefully hurt them, I am going to expose their shenanigans to everyone.  Using the 'n' word and the 'f' word (not f**k) to describe anyone is 100% NEVER acceptable.  And if those words make someone uncomfortable you do not have the right to call them a 'n' lover or 'f' hag.  WTF is wrong with you?!?!?!  That is bigotry at its finest.  "If you don't look like me or think like me, you are not as good as me." It is 2015 STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note...just because you have a d**k doesn't mean you are better than me (a person sans d**k).  It drives me spare when "men" dismiss me or my littles because we are women.  My "littles" are adults, just younger than myself, FYI. And when I hear about one of our trusted "men" trying to control them or belittle them, I want to punch things.  Mainly things between their legs because god I just want to cause them pain at this point (I know, I know bad but I wont actually do it because I am a sane individual).  It kills me further when other "adults" (including other females!!!) feed these men's aggression by agreeing with them and ostracizing myself and my littles based on what a twat booger said.  Group think at its finest.  This is where I come in.  This is where we have a "come to Jesus" talk because I am 1000% done with this bull$hit.  Abuse is not just physical hands on a person.  It is verbal, mental, emotional.  If you purposefully cause HARM to another person just for the f**k of it, that is abuse!

It is not okay to call me or anyone else "names" like c**t, etc because we don't agree with you.  So a woman hurt you (and in a couple of these cases, she did, I get that, she was a royal B) BUT that does NOT give you free reign to attack all females around you.  Also, it happened years ago.  It is time to move on.  You can't blame your anger towards us on that anymore.  You have had more than a decade (in some cases THREE decades) to fix this, yet we still hear the same broken record excuse every time, "You can't get mad at him.  Think of what he's been through." NO!  I don't f**king care anymore.  Just because they had a bad run a few years ago doesn't give them the right to flip out on other people or try to control them.  You don't get to tell me (or anyone else) what to do or how to feel, sorry (not sorry). If you want to wallow in angry self pity fine but leave us out of it!

The "definition" of crazy is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome.  If someone TRULY wanted to move passed all this nonsense they would have done it by now.  This extended DRAMA is 100% their own creation and I do NOT feel sorry for them anymore.  How do you live like that?!?!  It can't be good for you to harbor so much anger and aggression for THAT long.  I feel sorry for (empathize with) people of course but you have to fix things for yourself.  YOU have to break the cycle.  If you don't it just keeps happening over and over and over.

I guess some people feed off of drama.  They thrive on it.  I despise it. If I have a problem, I fix it, if I can't fix it, I stop b**ching about it until I can fix it.  It does me no good to dwell on things that are out of my control and I sure as hell wont continually attack someone else because my life is in the $hitter.

And yes I would say this and have said some of this face to face.

Rant Over.

Side Note: If you threaten my fur babies I will become defensive...you do NOT threaten them...EVER...if you hurt my fur babies...I can't express what will happen to you but it won't be pleasant.  It might involve paper cuts, salt, and lemon juice. 

Anyone else have the sudden urge to "switch teams"?

No? Yea me neither soooooo why are people freaking the f**k out?  After the ruling I did not have the sudden urge to leave my husband for a woman...I did feel the need to wrap myself in rainbow but that is just me..I like rainbows. 

Sorry, this one is not a silly NOLA Gurl post...just a warning. 


I LOST 4 "friends" on FB the other day when I posted about the Supreme Court ruling.  I didn't even say anything about it, I just posted it with a smiley face.  I went from 444 friends to 440 friends.  I only noticed because I remembered 444...it kinda stuck out.  Clearly they weren't my "friends" if they deleted our online friendship over a difference of opinion. 

It is equal rights. . .that is it in a nutshell.  It isn't some hedonistic witchcraft that will cause people to suddenly change.  It is just the country saying you can marry the PERSON you love regardless of the bits they have.  I personally think that is wonderful.  If your religious beliefs think that is "wrong", okay then...you probably shouldn't marry someone with the same bits as you.  But it also means you shouldn't engage in intercourse with people with the same bits either (I swear I heard someone who has had relations with both men and women bash same sex marriage in the name of religion, that makes ZERO sense).  Anyways, those are your beliefs, you follow them but you can't force other people to adhere to them just because you believe in them. 

I don't believe cinnamon should be slathered on anything I am eating but that doesn't mean I am going to try to create a law to force everyone else to not have it because I don't like it. If you like it, good on you...I will CHOOSE not to partake in it.  I guess I am just different (in the best possible way, ha!).

Someone's sexual preference will not change you...it will not change your kids...it will not change anything outside of that person's relationship.  I am so tired of hearing people say "I don't want my kids exposed to this...they will get ideas!" Honey, if your "kids" get "ideas" from this then they already were starting to realize they like persons of the same gender.  Being around gay people (or exposed to gay couples) doesn't make you gay...its not a f**king disease!  You can't catch it!  Quit being a @$$hat.  If you don't want to be friends with them or you want to alienate your family because of it, fine so be it but quit spouting your idiocy around me because it is giving me a headache. If you feel following that mantra will "save" you, okay then but quit trying to "save" the rest of us. . .we know what your religion says and we choose to believe differently.  I personally don't think anything is wrong with marriage between any person...unless it is between a 30+ yr old and a minor.  In that case I don't care what gender you prefer...you are a creep, don't do that.  And if you are a 30+ yr old in "love" with a 16 or 17 year old...just, just wait the two years...don't create a controversy over something that may not be real.  Moving on...

Things I've heard since the ruling that made me stabby:

1.)  "I am accepting of that choice.  We told my sister we accept her for who she is 100%, and that was 20 years ago but we made sure she knew she can't bring her girlfriends to family functions because we don't want our kids exposed to that." Sweetheart that is the exact opposite of acceptance and the fact that you've known for 20 years she is a lesbian and you STILL refuse to let her bring her partner around makes me very, very sad. 

2.)  *insert random bible verse* Ummm so are you going to want to enforce all bull$hit "rules" from the bible?  You do know it was written by MAN.  God didn't really write it...he "influenced" it but it was still written by MAN and it contains HIS biases no matter how you try to spin it.  It was also written quite a long time ago...things change...even religion needs to evolve.  Or would you rather condemn me because I am a woman and *insert biblical rule saying I should be stoned for whatever because I have lady parts*.  My point is if you believe it, fine but not everyone is required to believe in the same things you do (that's the whole point of freedom of religion).  Get over it. 

3.) "I hope they are ready for *insert stereotypical marriage issue* because that's what they'll get now."  You are a special kind of stupid.  You do know these people who want to get married have been in relationships...many VERY long term.  Just because they suddenly have the right to marry doesn't mean they suddenly have all the work that comes with a marriage.  They've already had THAT piece...this is the legal part.  The socially accepted part.  It isn't about your stupid "oh now they are married, no sex" mantra.  It is about them being FAMILY.  They are now able to legally be family so that if one, god forbid, is ill or hurt they have a right to be by their side.  Among other things you are privy to, like shared health insurance or life insurance or I dunno, just being acknowledged as a real couple!  How would you like it if your spouse was terminally ill but you couldn't be by their side because you are Italian and they are Canadian and we just don't recognize that as a REAL relationship.  Sounds silly doesn't it. . .Come on!

4.) "I am fine with them getting married but they shouldn't be able to have or adopt kids.  You shouldn't want to bring up kids in that kind of household.  It's hard enough being a kid, much less to THOSE kind of parents." *weeping inside*  That is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard.  You are one of the reasons kids from THOSE types of parents have issues.  EVERYONE deserves the opportunity to be a parent.  I mean the same screening process should apply for adoption (gender preference aside, no one legitimately crazy should be given a child) but NOT whether or not they are gay...that shouldn't matter.  So the lesson here.  Before you start dating someone of the same sex, have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex...procreate with them...leave them...obtain full custody and then be with someone of the same sex.  Problem solved...Okay...that was COMPLETE sarcasm.  Sorry, if I went too far. 

*ugh* I gave myself a migraine...these are my opinions...you don't have to agree with me...I won't stop talking to you because we have different beliefs.  Let's just agree to, uh, disagree. Kay, thanks, bye. 


P.S. From today forward...it is just MARRIAGE...at least for me. 

Is this a thing?!?! Why is this a thing?!?! Who needs rainbow eyeliner?!?! Wait, I need that but I won't do this....

You know in grammar school when they tell you not to eat glue and/or crayons...it is because those things, while nontoxic, were not meant for continuous human consumption.  Right...RIGHT!?!?!

So I would assume the same applies to things like not using Colored Pencils as eyeliner.  You know because although they are nontoxic, they also aren't up to code with the makeup code enforcer peeps standards for cosmetics. 

With that said...why is this a thing?!?!  Made so popular by YouTube makeup hackers that Crayola had to issue a statement about why its a bad idea.  I just can't understand.  I don't think I would ever be like "Hey, I really like this shade of pencil, let me put it on my lash line." 

This is the article from Cosmo. As B97 said..."Who needs to be told this?????"


Makeup goes through a fairly rigorous trial before being released to the public.  Things are added to it to prevent bacteria from growing on it and it is made so that it WON'T irritate most skin types.  So why would you think that something, albeit nontoxic, that isn't meant for skin use be okay to be used as makeup...?  That might not make sense, I am flabbergasted and having issues forming proper sentences. 

Seriously though, what's next?!?  "Hey don't want to spend $8 on a new liquid eyeliner, just use a Sharpie, I mean it's nontoxic so it's safe...right?"  And I mean you know it will last, how long does it take you to scrub sharpie off your hands? Don't mind that weird smell that makes your eyes burn, that is normal.  I just...wow!

Also, Wet n Wild, NYC, Nyx...those are cheap enough ($0.99, $2)  MAKEUP brands that are sold at most Drugstores and have a plethora of colors available!

My favorite quote from the article, "It's like how you can eat a jalapeño pepper, but you wouldn't want to put it in your eye." ~ Dr. Mark Jacquot, O.D., clinical director at LensCrafters

At least most of B97's followers agree with us...bad idea!

Sure, lets all sign a blood pact and die slowly together!

So there is this smoking ban possibly happening down here...it is causing a very heated debate and I don't quite get what all the hubbub is about.  I do not smoke...never have...well not...not important.  Anyways, I've always HATED IT.  I grew up in a strangely typical 80's household where both parents smoked...inside...with me there...and in the car...with me there.  I didn't realize how much I disliked it until my dad remarried and wasn't allowed to smoke indoors.  That is when I started to notice things...like everything I owned smelled like an ashtray.  Dude I was like 10 and started getting paranoid!  This must mean when I go to school...OMG!  Things happened and my mom thoroughly hated my antics until I went to college but that is for another blog post. 


My point is I have a strong dislike for being around smoke so I may be a bit biased.  With that said when I turned 18 (possibly a little before - tee hee hee) I started going out...party all night...come home sweaty and smelling like a pack of ciggys.  Nothing abnormal about that...its just how things were.   Then I started having a skin reaction.  That's right as a blossoming young adult I developed a rather odd allergy.  Whenever I was surrounded by clouds of smoke, even worse in a poorly ventilated area, (be it a club or a house/apt) my eyes would burn almost unbearably and the next day I wouldn't have just normal purple circles under my eyes...they would be bright red and puffy.  The skin would eventually HARDEN, turn scaly (ewwww), and peel off.  "Hmmmm that's odd."  Anyways we discovered I developed an allergy to smoke...go figure.  I dealt with it...what was I going to not go out...are you kidding, I was in college!  I learned to live with it (cortisone creme was my BFF)...then I went to New York and my perception was forever changed.

You see they had recently passed a law there where you couldn't smoke in a restaurant/bar/club/public area/whatever.  Down here we were working on the just banning it in food establishments (which didn't happen until 2007).  It was amazing.  We went back to the hotel after going out and didn't smell like we bathed in an ashtray!  Of course this was short lived as we came home...back to the smokey bars and clubs of the south. 

I have NEVER forgotten that and have always wished something like that would happen down here.  I have so many friends and family that work in the bar/club industry.  Some do smoke but many don't.  It cannot be good for them to be immersed in that much second hand smoke all the time.  So I was ecstatic when there was talk of this ban. But apparently smokers and non-smokers alike who work in the industry are very upset.  Saying that this will be the end of Bourbon Street...it will kill revenue at the casino...people will lose their jobs. 

Look I am not dumb, I am aware the industry will probably take a hit.  People may stop going out to some of these establishments because they cannot smoke inside or whatever.  But isn't this worth it?!?!  Not only a healthier environment for the workers and non-smoking patrons BUT it would encourage others to possibly quit...maybe.  I am sure the markets in NY and CA (among countless other individual counties/cities) took hits when they banned smoking in bars but I am fairly certain they have recovered.   I just don't see a strong enough argument against the ban.  I guess it could affect tourism but I don't believe it will be to the degree that people are screaming.  I may be completely wrong but I don't think people specifically travel here just because they can smoke in our establishments.  There are studies...many many studies showing no adverse affects on businesses caused by smoking bans. I dunno...I know business owners feel like their right to choose is being taken away...I just can't get behind it to continue with everything we know. 

I think all the rigamarole is because people inherently don't like change.  This is something different therefore it is seen as bad.  Look it is 2015, we all know the dangers of smoking and secondhand smoke.  It may not be proven 100% to cause cancer (2nd hand smoke) but it causes a load of other issues.  This is a step in the right direction, not something negative.

P.S.  Yes I think there are other more important things to be concerned about like the increase in crime in the City but this is what they are talking about right now.

**NOTE**- I am not a business owner nor do I work in the industry so I may be missing a huge piece of the puzzle.  

That is so NOT okay

We all have self confidence issues.  Well most of us do.  There are days where you can't bear to look at your reflection or just plain don't want to leave your house because you think you look bad or feel bad about yourself.  It is unfortunate but it happens to the best of us.  The flip side of that is when you start feeling better about yourself so your confidence soars to new heights and it is evident to everyone that you are happy.  I am not talking bi-polar mood swings just the normal we all get down in the dumps about our appearance, etc type stuff. 

What happens a lot of times though is you are on the upswing but you aren't quite back to your normal semi-confident self yet so you mask it.  I mask it by forcing myself to smile and have fun.  I personally don't think that is a bad thing but a shrink may disagree.  It actually helps me to get back on track faster.  Others mask it differently by putting others down and that is why I say "that is so NOT okay". 

Just because you feel down about yourself does not mean you have the right to put everyone else down.  Yea you might be on the "upswing" of your whatever but trying to make everyone else look bad is not okay.  So you started working out, good on you but that doesn't give you an open to make a snide comment about someone else's weight...not even in jest (and saying "no offense"doesn't negate what was said).  So you got a new electronic doohickey that everyone else has, awesome sauce, just because someone else has a different brand or version does not make yours/theirs better/worse.  They do the same effing thing...why is this now a competition.  You have problems at home...I am sorry...I really am but do not deflect your home issues onto everyone else in public.  Just because you want to have complete control of your sig other doesn't mean everyone else does...so when they are inquisitive it's not to be controlling...it's probably because they either didn't hear or are curious. 

But the worst...the absolute worst is putting down a child.  And don't tell me "I'm just kidding".  There are ways to be sarcastic and funny with kids where they know you are being sarcastic and funny and still love them to bits.  If a child looks at you like you ripped their heart out, they do not get the joke.  You just crushed them.  And honestly, if you would have spoken to me that way I probably wouldn't have laughed either.  Instinctively we pick up on underlying tones.  You can smile all day long but something in the tone of voice, in the glint of the eyes, hints that you aren't really joking.  In addition...who the eff calls a child or baby ugly?!?!?  What is so wrong in your life that you have to say something that horrible?!?!  Yea it may not have been said to their face but what is the point of even voicing that thought.  Saying a child is bratty...okay I get that I guess but flat out saying an innocent baby is ugly...what is wrong with you?!?!

Sure some kids are traditionally cuter than others but come on!  I don't think I have ever looked at a child and thought "ugly".

It is not in my nature.  I tend to see beauty in everyone.  Not kidding, I have always been this way which is why people always said I dated "below my standards" or was "too pretty" to be friends with some.  It is because I saw past everything our society says is "unattractive".  It is obvious these persons are going through something and are lashing out.  Yes they may tell us about all the wonderful things happening to them and complain about the mundane stuff but clearly something else is going on.  We are well out of our uninformed youth, being mean/a bully to anyone, much less a child, is uncalled for 100% of the time. 

Truthfully, I don't think some people realize what they are doing.  It is like a defense mechanism but that still isn't an excuse.  And responding with "I am not apologizing for being me" doesn't wipe the slate clean either.  You can be you without crushing someone else.  It concerns me how oblivious people are about their actions.  What if something you said or did because you felt bad about yourself pushed someone over the edge?!?  How would you feel knowing your "joking" caused someone to choose anorexia or to otherwise hurt themselves?!?!  It happens, I witnessed it first hand.  Uncles "joking" with their niece about her weight because she was ever so slightly bigger than the other kids.  She almost died!  She nearly starved herself to death!!! It was flipping baby fat you assholes!  Was I the only one that saw past the "unattractive" body type of a CHILD???  Because of you she damaged her body and mind!

**NOTE** I am not talking about goodhearted joking amongst friends/family.  I am talking about the words in jest laced with venom said for no apparent reason. 

These aren't my images, I google searched them to make a point.

You won!...sort of

This is paraphrased but you get the gist. 

Caller: ...An all expenses paid trip to (insert posh vacay) doesn't that sound wonderful?!?!
Me: Um really??
(mind you I did do one of the "enter to win" things at WWNOLA)
Caller:  Yes, do you have a pen and paper, here are the deets
Me: Uhhhh sure, go ahead.
Caller:  Rattles off the most amazing sounding vacay to Orlando, FL for 5 days.
Me: Huh, cool...
Caller:  It gets better...proceeds to rattle off more amazing vacays that come with this "package"
Me: Ummmm, ooookkkaaaaay
Caller:  Still prattleing on about the 3 additional trips that comes with my winnings
Me: Wow... *thinking* why do I feel like I'm on some infomercial "but wait there's more"
Caller:  Yes wow!  You and 49 other lucky winners.
Me:  *Getting more suspicious* Soooo what's the catch
Caller:  There's no catch, this is a $4,000+ value all yours.  For you and your hubby and two other adults. 
Me: Kaaaaay...
Caller:  All you have to do is pay the processing fees and taxes today and you have 2 years to go on these four luxurious vacations. 
Me:  I, uh, only signed up for the Orlando thing. 
Caller:  but this is all free!
Me: Processing fees aren't "free". Although I would expect to pay taxes
Caller: But listen...get this its only $349
Me: Okay not that bad...
Caller: Per person
Me: What?!?  Isn't this a vacation for four?!?!
Caller: But you only pay for two people the other two are free
Me: Um $700 today...who are you again?
Caller: (insert name of travel agency) Is the money the only thing holding you back?
Me: Y...eee...ssss *thinking* that and I don't normally give my CC out to random people that call me over the phone.... oh and this doesn't seem like that GREAT of a deal
Caller: Hold on let me see if I can get a better rate *puts me on hold*
Me: It sounds waaaaaay too good to be true.  Eff this *hangs up*

Did I miss out on 4 GREAT vacations.  Possibly.  But we have to be able to use them in two years time and we have to pay our way to get there so all expenses paid is not quite right...maybe I miss heard her.  Maybe she didn't say that and I inserted it but I don't think I did.  Yea Orlando hotel and theme park tix paid (well, actually, we can buy them at BOGO) but I have to fly or drive to get there.  A trip to Miami...I love Miami but I have to get there.  And only the hotel is paid for.  Cruise sounds wonderful but it leaves out of Miami (again flying issue) and you get no extra moula so you have to pay for everything else.  Trip to Vegas, again REALLY?!!?!?

So this deal sounds more like hey we'll pay for your hotel if you figure out your own passage, pay for your own food, etc but we would really like a good review/recoomendation from you in return. 

NOTHING IS FREE PEOPLE!  Like I said, I expect to pay taxes on contests that are won but really?!?   Plane tickets alone are $200+ per person unless you get an awesome deal on Southwest.  Food...omg...food is ridiculous!  For two people to eat out everyday for at least two meals...even going cheap cheap, it's no less than $75 per day (and that is chain restaurants and no alcohol).  Plus a rental or cab fare to get around.  And if you are in Miami or Vegas you are going to want to go out to a club/bar at least once which I can tell you first hand isn't cheap!  For Vegas you get $100 spend how you want card (usable at casinos).  I can tell you that $100 will get you 1 and a 1/2 buffets (maybe) if you use it for food.  Basically I am saying it wont go very far.

So all in all they wanted me to pay them $700 but each trip would cost us an extra $1,250 (I mean BARE MINIMUM).  In reality it would be way more.  Actually it would be more for the Orlando trip because it doesn't include the park passes.  It is 4 trips...that is $5,000+ over TWO YEARS!  Plus the $700 I have to pay upfront.  In what way does this sound like a good deal?!?!?  For $2,000 I can fly both of us to Orlando, stay on the Disney grounds, get two 5 day hopper passes and probably meal plans (those changed recently so I am not sure).  Oh an transportation is included unless you need to leave the grounds....

Is that all I am now? Rude? Rude and not ginger?

Well the not ginger part doesn't keep me up at night but I am starting to think age is making me care less about being rude.  But only when it is necessary!!!

Do you know how many times I had to stop myself from loud capping someone at the grocery yesterday?!?!?  Not because they were rude or whatever.  It was because they were COUGHING and SNOTTING all over the place!!!  I do not consider myself a germ-a-phobe but my skin crawls when someone does that and does NOT cover their mouth/nose. 

I was looking at a case of fresh made sushi.  Like the sushi chef had just put it down. This man was hovering next to me and went *AHHHH CHOOO*. . . all over the containers.  I, thankfully, had mine in my hand already but I just stared, gaping at him.  Then he wiped his nose with the back of his hand and leaned over to rummage through the case.  I swear he touched every single thing in there.  I was horrified!  I was so stunned I didn't even say bless you, I wanted to be like "ya nasty" but decided to just walk away. 

Later in the frozen food area a woman open mouth coughed INTO the freezer case while she was looking for something.  Like a deep chest rattling cough.  OMG! Nah, I didn't want frozen veggies, thanks. 

By the time I got to the dairy section I was very close to pulling my shirt over my mouth and nose but I didn't.  Oh I wish I had. 

Me: Lalala, oooooo cheese!!!
Man: *clearing throat repeatedly*
Me: Scoots over some, still looking at cheese
Man: *ah, ah , ah heeeeeeeem* 
Me: Turns to walk away
Man: turns his head to avoid coughing on the cheese.  Instead coughs in my face
Me: *internal screaming* I swear to god I can feel the germs invading my face
Man:  Pardon me *walks away*
Me: Twitching

I immediately dropped the cheese (on the floor) and lifted the hem of my shirt and started scrubbing my face.  I didn't care if anyone saw my not so sexy tummy.  I hand sanitized my face.  It burned...but it was a good burn.....ahhhhh burn so good. 

Then today while waiting in line the guy behind me had this personal space issue.  As in he had no idea what personal space was.  He was practically humping my @$$ and it was freaking me out.  I could feel his labored breath puffing on my neck!!!  Sorry but the only breaths I should feel like that better belong to my husband! I could envision the germs crawling in my hair *shudder*.

Lesson of the day!  Stop being disgusting.  COVER YOUR MOUTH/NOSE if you COUGH/SNEEZE!!!! I am seriously considering carrying around a can of lysol and spraying the next person who does this near me.  Would that be rude????

Ugh I need to go scald a layer of skin off.

It's like dealing with a 16 year old going through a breakup

Except said person is in fact a 50+ year old male and its a divorce.  I've witnessed many divorces unfortunately.  I've lived through my parents (I was VERY young) and sat by quietly as friends end their marriages.  I don't judge.  Sometimes, it just isn't going to work.  Sometimes it is the only option.  But it is NEVER okay to get ugly.  And 9 times out of 10 they are UGLY.  It is even worse when children are involved.

This one is no different.  There are lies and hurt and secrets and did I mention lies.  Divorce brings out your true colors or well brings the nastier ones to the surface.  It really does bring out the worst in people.  It is bad enough you "fell out of love" or whatever but why do you have to try to hurt each other more.  Why is it necessary to be mean just to make sure they aren't happier than you.  I am so different sometimes.  I've gone through bad breakups, one was very much like a marriage.  It had the potential to get REALLY ugly but somehow we didn't let it.  It wasn't unicorns pooping rainbows but we were mostly mindful of each others feelings. 

This is almost never how things work out.  What is hilarious to me is the person asking for the divorce seems to be the one that is usually so utterly mean.  The cheater or the one who sees greener grass or whatever, almost always is the one who gets so worked up and angry.  It's baffling, the only thing I can think of is it is their guilt bleeding through.  On some level they know whatever happened to make them want a divorce is their fault so they start lashing out.  What kills me is the one being attacked who has EVERY RIGHT to be angry and mean usually is just like "Okay, it's fine.  Whatever you want." They are so beat down and disappointed they don't have time to be an asshat.  Again not always the case but I've seen it more than not.

It also amazes me how different men and women are in a divorce.  While women do have a tendency to get VERY emotional, not all go Carrie Underwood on their ex's cars.  Just like not all men decide to sleep with everything that moves after they split up.  But I notice men do not seem to "heal" as fast.  While women many times end up with confidence problems, they have a support base (friends and family) that build it back up pretty quick but for men it is like their "pride" has been bruised so they act like dickwads to build it back up.  Newsflash not all women are deserving of your royal ass-ness so quit it.  And stop shaming your exes with the other divorced males in the vicinity of females.  One it is rude and two it is incredibly immature.  If you need to have a male bonding time make sure I can't hear you because now I want to nut punch you for being a twat booger.  Also blaring One less problem for all to hear is not helping us think you are "okay". We now think you are a bit emotionally distraught.   If you want to do that at home, more power to you but in public maybe tone it down a bit. 

I just find it hilarious how some revert back to teenage drama when breaking up.  Maybe I am  different and don't see the need to hurt someone who hurt me.  It may be painful but to me they have moved on, so why dwell on it longer than necessary.  It's their loss, right.  Plus I find the best "revenge" is to move on.  Nothing hurts more than knowing you f**ked up and now they are happy without you. 

Give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!

A sentence I never thought I would utter.  Also, a sentence that probably makes my neighbors think I am crazy.  Can you imagine walking down the sidewalk when you hear that yelled from inside your seemingly sweet little neighbors house?!?!?!

So what happened you may be wondering.  Weeeeeeeell you see we started decorating for Christmas, yay!  I inherited an old nativity scene from my grandma so I decided to display it under the tree.  Why I thought this was a good idea is beyond me. 

You know how people post pics of cats climbing trees/destroying Christmas?!?  Yea I have one of those cats.  She is called DEMON SPAWN and she is an @$$hole.  The first incident, before the ornaments were on the tree, I heard the sounds of something tumbling across the tile floor.  I saw her batting around baby Jesus.  "Oh come on cat!"  I said NO (she cowered) and I put him back in the nativity scene.  While I was sleeping that night I heard a loud crashing from the living room, "seriously?!?!" The tree was still standing but she has mowed down the entire nativity scene and baby Jesus was missing.  OMG!  I found him under the couch, put everything back together while glaring at her form across the room, and went back to bed. 

The next night I started putting ornaments on the tree.  She was intensely watching me from the back of the couch.  Every time I put something up, I looked at her and said No.  I decided I needed more pretty bulbs to replace the ones that broke last year when the tree fell over (pre demon spawn...clumsy dog) so I went to the store.  I came back to the wise men scattered and baby Jesus kidnapped *grrrrr*.  He was in a dog dish *face palm* ...I don't think a dog had anything to do with it, I am thinking this was a premeditated get the pups in trouble technique. 

Finally I finished making the tree looked pretty and began putting bells around the bottom of the tree.  I've done this for years because old lady cat used to knock ornaments off the tree.  The bells alerted me to her presence...she got sprayed with water and eventually the bells ringing became the deterrent.  This may or may not work with my little bundle of evil.  The whole time I was hanging bells I had an audience...under the tree.  She walked over to the nativity scene, I said NO and picked up the water bottle.  She looked at me, knocked the angel off the roof and took off running as I sprayed water after her, yelling "You little s**t!" Once I was done I went to take a shower.  When I came back to watch TV there were some bells on the floor and baby Jesus was again missing.  I couldn't find the damn cat.  Finally I spotted her running WITH baby Jesus in her mouth.  I screamed "give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!" And proceeded to chase her around the house with the spray bottle.  I caught her, she hissed, I said shut it, she went hide and I reassembled the bells and nativity.

The next morning when I woke up I found two ornaments were knocked off the tree but thankfully baby Jesus was still in his manger.  She was watching me from the back of the couch.  I said "Leave the tree ALONE!" She meowed really loudly.  I said "hey, don't talk back. I am serious." She meowed again and rolled over...falling off the couch.  She then looked at me and hissed.  "Oh for God's sake, cat.  Do not touch the tree!"

Later that morning I got a text from the husband "F*****g black cat is about to get tossed outside if I don't stop hearing bells!" Guess my little chat with her didn't work....*le sigh*.  I am 100% certain she knows she is being bad and 100% certain she does not care....she is an @$$hole!

You are a disgusting human being!

Ya know you think you know someone and then BAM they surprise you with something...some weird habit that is borderline UNFORGIVABLE!

I can deal with most bad habits.  I had roommates in college and spent time at boyfriend's houses back in the day...hell I lived with one a few years back (he had some strange habits).  So I've seen my fair share of "Ewwwww, don't...just ewwwwww!" moments.  Let me clarify that I am by no means perfect.  I have my own set of weird but my weird does not usually affect anyone but me.  Okay so sometimes I leave a tissue on the couch (in my "spot") or under MY pillow.  I pick it up...eventually.  Or I don't finish my bottled drinks.  As in, I'll have 5 bottles of coke/water/tea with about an inch left in the bottom in random places. 

Anyways, today I am thoroughly grossed out.  I mean, I can't...I can't even deal.  Sooooo the other night I was home alone.  I decided I wanted some wings and breadsticks.  Yes, an odd craving but this is me.  So I ordered me some Pizza Hut because they deliver and I was being quite lazy.  Once my food was delivered (25 minutes later than the estimated time *grrrrr*) I dug in while watching some DVR'd episodes of The Newsroom (I love that show!).  Did I mention they messed up my order but totally in my favor?  I ordered 8 wings and breadsticks.  I received 16 wings, waffle fries and breadsticks but was only charged for what I ordered...I think that makes up for it being a little late.

Moving on.  As I was enjoying my wings I apparently decided to breathe...while I had a mouthful of food.  I do not recommend doing this...it is a very bad idea.  So I started choking.  The food came out but I couldn't catch my breath because of the spice from the chicken.  So what do you naturally want...you want something to drink.  Or at least I do in this case.  So I grabbed the closest thing to me which happened to be a coke bottle from a previous day.  I assumed it was mine because there was about 2 inches left in the bottom (that is a me move).   It was flat (yay, no really yay, better for not choking more) so I took a huge swig. Then I immediately projectile vomited what I had eaten so far (thankfully into the plastic bag my food came in). 

You must be thinking, "what in the world could have made you do that?!?!  I mean it's just flat coke for god's sake."  No, no it wasn't just flat coke!!!!  After I calmed down I felt SOMETHING in my mouth.  Something kind of hard, almost like a small piece of plastic.  First thought, oh part of the coke bottle must have broken off, because you know that happens all the time.  In reality I was in denial.  You see it was FINGERNAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *gagging just thinking about it*  There aren't enough exclamation points to illustrate my freakout.  Apparently my AMAZING spouse either clipped or bit off some nails recently and instead of getting up and throwing them in the trash can he put them in the almost empty coke bottle sitting on the coffee table.  If that wasn't bad enough, he then left said CONTAMINATED coke bottle on the table for his unsuspecting wife to accidentally drink.  His mother would be so proud!

Even though I yacked them up, I can still FEEL it in my esophagus.  I think its my brain being weird but what if one got stuck...OMG!  Can you imagine???  What if it got infected...  "hey man, how'd your wife get so sick?" "Oh she drank my fingernails." "Whaaaaaaat kind of weird shit do y'all get up to.........."

Lesson of the day, don't drink from bottles left on the table, even if you think they are yours.

Hey Doc, it hurts when I move...

...well dear, don't move. *face palm*

Easier said than done.  In case you were wondering it is nearly impossible to NOT use your abdominal muscles.  I mean you can try to be a human blob but EVERYTHING requires your core...including breathing (and peeing)!

So I had this thing done to help with other things...and now I am wondering what the F**K I was thinking because now I am in a constant state of OOOOWWWWW.   

It's been almost a week.  I was told to "take it easy" for a few days, don't use the abs but then I could go back to most of my routine just no heavy lifting or sexy time.  Ooooookkkkkaaaaayyyyy, easy peasy right...WRONG! So, so wrong and people just don't seem to understand my issues.

1.  I look like death.  I am pale and bruised.  Pale because God only knows.  Bruised from all the flipping needles.  Shots, IVs, taking blood (TWICE)...take your pick. 

2.  Every movement requires conscious thought.  I rolled on my side in my sleep the other night and woke myself up moaning in pain.  

3.  The doc only said a few days with limited activity so no one seems sympathetic to my whole moving hurts mantra...or the if you touch me I will punch you then writhe in pain because punching requires ab use.  Yes a few days to be a blob but the recovery is 4-6 weeks!!!  So get that through your head people, I may be moving but I am not okay.  I am very, very far from okay. 

4.  My insides feel like they were scrapped with a dull blade.  Because they WERE!  Okay maybe not a dull blade...maybe a laser BUT it still effing hurts, okay?!?!

5.  I coughed yesterday and thought I was going to die.  I was like this is it, I am going to rupture something because I have a tickle in my throat.  Goodbye cruel world. 

6.  Today I sneezed and I thought my uterus came out of my belly button.  Hmmm that can't be normal. Oh well, lets take another pain pill *manic laughter*.

7.  3 days after it I needed a shower (and was allowed to take one), "cat baths" weren't working.   I had no help.  I got the "well what do you want me to do bathe you?" Um actually yes that would be great seeing as MOVING effing hurts!  Whatever, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and also makes me want to nut punch you so you are in an equal amount of pain.

8.  5 days after the thing I had a sharp pain.  Like I was stabbed, repeatedly in the same spot.  Sitting, I was good.  Standing, laying flat and breathing, FML.  I burst into tears because I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  Do you know what I got...ZERO sympathy.  I mean absolutely none.  I got a "you should be extra careful driving to work".  Um what?  "If it gets worse call the doctor".  Well DUH!  Can't I get a little sympathy?!?!  I am not a needy person but a "there, there" would have been AMAZING!  By the way, it is trapped air.  Not gas...air trapped in my abdomen that has no where to go.  I have to wait for my body to "re-absorb" it...YAY :P

9.  Ya know what, F**k all you people.  God help me if I need a c-section for any future kids...I may have to ask my mom to move in until I am recovered.  She seems to be the only one that "gets it".
      a. If I hear one more, "what do you mean walking is uncomfortable" or "its just walking, how 
         bad can it be?" I may go postal.  This is not my hubs by the way.

10.  My poor animals are so confused.  They don't understand why mommy wont let them near her.  I mean, I go all ninja on them if one even looks like they may want to touch me, which by the way requires a quick motion and usually ends with my writhing in pain. The little cat wanted to play the night of the thing and decided the best way to get my attention was to bonsai off the back of the couch onto my stomach.  To say I screamed is an understatement.  She ran and I didn't see her again for almost two days.  Now they both carefully touch me to let me know they want to cuddle.  Smart little boogers. 

Anyway, the thing is I blame the peeps that spoke to my "caregiver" after the thing.  I was out of it...I remember very little.  They were great, don't get me wrong, I just don't think they quite explained what was going to happen very well.  Yes, I needed to lay low for a few days and he got that but for weeks after I was going to be recovering.  Meaning I can't do what I normally do.  Not just "heavy lifting" and no "sexy time".  It should have been more, "trust your body.  If it feels wrong, don't do it."  Which I swear I heard someone say but I can't recall.  I really can't be active...my insides are still healing and I am constantly exhausted.   If I do too much too fast, I'll be worse for wear.  So yes, that includes cutting up a veggie and putting it in the microwave.  It hurt a$$hole.  I am not being whiny!  Using my abs hurts and unfortunately that includes almost everything at the moment, including BREATHING. 

P.S. Thank God I have a semi high tolerance for pain.  I'd be drugged 24/7 otherwise. 

Now I want to become a hermit, dig a moat, electrify said moat and get a pet tiger

I just read an article "Things a burglar wont tell you".  I was thinking "yay tips on how to better safeguard my house" but...now...I am...seriously do people really do some of these?!!?!?!?  I think it should be more aptly titled "quit making yourself a target" or "how to scare people into being responsible homeowners" or "live in fear of those who shall rob you".  I did not come up with this list.  It is at the link listed above but I feel like I should comment on some things.  Also, it lists all this stuff you shouldn't do but doesn't really give you solutions.  Its like don't put your shit in one place...ok so where is the best place.  But I guess if they put that there, then the would be thieves would know and then it wouldn't work.

1.) "Even if you are home, I'll still try to break in" - great...I mean I knew this.  Someone did try to kick my door in while I was watching TV in my living room.  But reading it just makes me paranoid.

2.) "You might have noticed a strange vehicle driving around your neighborhood lately."- Um you see this you CALL THE COPS!  You don't say "oh maybe they are lost".  If you have a gut feeling they are up to no good, you be a good citizen and REPORT IT!  Don't go willy nilly, the cops do need to be crime fighting or whatever BUT at the very least they may send extra patrols to your 'hood. 

3.) "You might recognize me. I was at your house before, making a delivery or asking for directions." - Sooooooo, what should I never order takeout again for fear that the cute young man who showed up at my door may try to rob me blind?!?!  Seriously the only point to this point is to elicit fear.  You cannot control who comes to your door...well in the case of takeout you can but aside from that.

4.) "Thanks for letting me into your home to use your telephone or bathroom. I got a good view of the place, and I unlocked a window while I was in there." - Do people still do this?!?  I let no one into my home.  If they ask to use the phone I bring it outside to them.  If they ask to use the bathroom I apologize and say no but direct them to the convenience store a few blocks away.  The only strangers I ALMOST allowed in were Jehovah's Witnesses and honestly I was messing with them (I am totally going to hell for this).  They asked if I had a minute to talk about *insert something about God/Jesus*.  To which I replied sure, as long as I can talk to you about the dark lord (I was speaking of Voldemort by the way).  Apparently they are not Harry Potter fans.  What's funny is they came back and I answered the door with Convict snarling between my legs...I have not seen them since *muahahahaha*.

5.) "Your alarm company made it easier for me to see whether the system is activated or not by installing the control panel in plain sight." - I'm sorry what?!?  Sooooo then what are we supposed to do to remedy this????  Where do we put it?

6.) "I'm glad you didn't bother setting the alarm while you made a quick trip to the store. I only need about 15 minutes anyway." - This is just dumb!  It takes less than a minute to set the friggin alarm.  SET IT!

7.) "I'm also glad you chose a silent alarm. It won't worry the neighbors, and I should still have time to get in and out before the police arrive." - This exists outside of banks??? Why would you do that?!  Isn't the point of a home alarm to scare the $hit out of a would be burglar???

8.) "Did you really think a fake security sign in the yard would fool me? Oldest trick in the book." - Ooooook, so should you not put a sign at all...?  I mean how exactly do they know which houses have the alarm?

9.) "Maybe it wasn't the best move to choose a dog over an alarm. Fido sure seems to like the treats in my pocket." - How about both, yes both is good.  And ya know my dogs are "nice" at times but I can almost guarantee if you step foot inside you will be mauled...then the dogs will find the treats in your pocket which may end in the inability for you to have children.  Just saying.  

10.) "Thanks for not installing a motion detector light outside. Darkness makes it a lot easier to sneak inside undetected." - what if you leave the outside lights on???  Does that nullify this statement? Because I think that could be a really good "solution" to this problem.

11.) "Lucky for me, home safes usually aren't bolted down or built into walls. So I can take it with me and deal with cracking into it later." - I actually told my husband this.  Unless you plan on bolting it to the floor, it is pointless. Well it will keep important stuff safe in a fire but thats about it.

12.) "Kitchens, living rooms and master bedrooms are the first places I look for valuables. Under mattresses, inside dresser drawers and closets are where I find the jackpot." - Alright, so are you telling me to put my valuables in the toilet reservoir?  I mean I can't keep them in any major rooms or in a safe sooooo its either the toilet or in the attic.  But I don't fancy going into the attic every time I want my pearls or need a $20.  What is a solution?!?!?!

13.) "Thanks for leaving your expensive cellphone or watch in plain sight." - Its my house...where am I supposed to leave it.  

14.) "Your childrens' nice toys in the yard tip me off that there might be an expensive gaming system inside." - I've also heard this said about throwing out boxes after you buy something.  So I can't have nice things because I have to worry about attracting the wrong type of attention???  This sounds eerily like when men tell women not to dress sexy because then they are asking to be raped.  So what do I do besides try to not let people know what I buy.

15.) "Creatures of habit make the best targets. The same routine lets me know when you'll be home or away." - How do you change this?!!??  Unfortunately most of us have M-F schedules where we have to be at work and leave at the same time.  

I just...while some tips are helpful (there were others, I didn't list all of them here) many just annoyed me.  Ok so creatures of habit right.  I can't change it so now do I live in fear that I am being targeted by a crook because I have a 9-5 job???  Again, this list did little more that elicit fear because its telling you about things that make you a target but you can't really do anything to change them. 

Ya know what grinds my gears?!?!

People!  People in general make me want to drive pencils through my eyes and ears so I don't have to see or hear them ANYMORE!

Simple directions are lost on so many.  Its like their lives are so mundane they feel like the simplest tasks need to be made more difficult because truly something that simple can't be right.  WRONG!!! You are so freaking WRONG.  It is that simple, I made it simple, because you have shown me YOU are in fact simple.  Now it is complicated and even my clearly superior brain can't figure out what the eff you did so don't call here and ask me what you did because I have no idea!  I don't know why I even try sometimes.  I've been told I have the patience of a Saint but after dealing with non thinkers over the years my patience is wearing thin.  I don't fancy myself a genius but I clearly have a better eye for detail and logic than those I deal with regularly.  The mantra is work SMARTER not HARDER but the smarter I work the harder others try to make my life difficult.  Seriously my head is going to explode.  Ya know why?  Because I have to deal with the fallout.  I may not have caused the most royal mess up to date but I am going to have to deal with it and that is why at the moment I have tunnel vision and feel like I am going to be sick.  

I need to control my facial expressions or maybe others should learn how to be human!

Okay so I've been told since I was a wee wittle one that I am very expressive. I would put on a face to let people know I was not having any of their $hit.  My mom has always said that getting me to smile as a child was sometimes a challenge which cracks me up because these days I am usually all smiles, even when I am not feeling 100%.  I guess I learned that one as I grew up.  You know put on a happy face so no one will ask what is wrong.  Probably not the healthiest way to deal with things but I like to keep stuff to myself so yea.  So I have the open look where you know what I am thinking or I have the closed look where I could be feeling anything but on the outside you'd never know. 

But apparently as I get older my open facial expressions are more telling and more frequent.  So when before I used to wear a "mask" so to say and people didn't really know what I was thinking...today my thoughts are written all over my face.  I can still do the mask if I think about it but its become less of a habit. 

This my friend is a problem!  I work with face to face with clients fairly frequently and when they say dumb things I have to remind myself to not react.  It is almost torture.  Because I want to give the ultimate "bitch please" face but instead I just smile and say, "its not a problem" or whatever. 

So I must remember that my raised eyebrow, deer in the headlights look (its my surprise face but my boss calls it that),  sideways stare, expressionless "are you kidding me" look, eyebrows pulled together while staring people down and fake "hahaha, you are an idiot" laugh should probably be left at home only to be used in my personal life.  Otherwise I risk the chance of getting fussed at for being intolerable, inconsiderate, unprofessional or something of that nature.  I am not trying to be a jerk but other people are rude; unfortunately I work in high level customer service...I wish I could be rude right back but I cannot because then I am the "bad guy". 

But you know what if you say something inappropriate to me be prepared for my bitch face + sarcasm.  Go ahead and report me! My figure/my face/my clothing/my marital status/my whatever have NOTHING to do with why I am meeting with you.  You have no right to make me feel uncomfortable because you can't control your hormones!  That is something no one has to tolerate no matter what their position is. 

Let me clarify, I am not talking about someone saying I look nice today or I like your shoes/skirt/hair...I am talking about the oogy, look you up and down and make a lewd comment people.  Or the people who "get in trouble" for not doing their job so they complain about what you wear because "it is distracting".  Swear to God this happened!  I don't dress "sexy" for work.  I dress professional/trendy.  I am sorry but if you see some shoulder or some collarbone or some kneecap and can't think straight enough to work that is YOUR problem, not mine!  Quit looking at me as a sex object you creep! Yes this still happens.  I know some people try to say that this doesn't happen in the workplace/business setting anymore because of "laws" but I can tell you it most certainly DOES still happen and reporting it isn't easy because it is your word against theirs and honestly unless they are being touchy or aggressive it is not worth it (isn't that awful?!?!?!). 

So I use my bitch face, my sarcasm, my invisible armor and I make a mental note not to be alone with people who make me uncomfortable or I suggest we meet in a more public area instead of their office.  I protect myself because we all know I am the only one who really cares what happens to me.  All I need is another weirdo showing up at my office because they think we are whatever and then yelling at me because I don't return the feelings (yes this also happened...it wasn't a client but my "niceness" bit me in the ass). 

Near death experience...

...which may have caused a slight loss of bladder control...

On this seemingly normal morning I was driving to work.  I was really close, not running late, not stuck in traffic, singing my heart out because what else are you going to do while alone in the car.  When suddenly stupidity reared its ugly face and I had a mild (or possibly SEVERE) panic attack in my car. 

You see as I was driving down this lovely two lane stretch a rather large SUV going in the other direction started driving a bit erratically.  Not like drunk driver but like every so slightly swerving.  I noticed it and thought well that's odd.  Before I was able to really comprehend what was happening this over-sized death mobile had veered completely over into my lane.  CRAP!!! There is honestly no where to go but into the wilderness to my right *ahhhhhhh*.  I jerked my wheel in time to bypass a HEAD ON COLLISION meanwhile laying on my horn and attempting to maintain control of my car in the saturated grass before I ended up in a ditch.  Apparently my honking alerted the driver of their minor miscalculation and they swerved back into the correct lane.  The kicker was as they passed I could see the cell phone.  I could see the bloody cell phone held up right in front of her effing face!  Are you kidding me?!?!  You could have killed me because you are messing with your cell phone.  Put it down!!!  This all happened in a matter of seconds but it was like slow motion to me.  What if she was just a little closer...I would have had zero time to react.  I barely had time to swerve as it was.  The speed limit on that stretch is 55...which means that would have hurt....A LOT. 

When I pulled into work my heart was still racing, my head pounding and I was pale...I was scared to get up because I didn't know if my legs would work properly but I knew I had to get out.  Plus I really had to wee at this point...I mean I didn't go in my pants (THANK GOD) but I did have to go.  My car had crap all over the side which is fine, at least it and I were in one piece and uninjured.  It really started my morning off crappy!

I know we are all guilty of picking up the phone while driving BUT I have made a conscious effort to leave it alone while driving.  I don't look at it and I don't pick it up unless I am stopped at a light or stop sign...even then its very quick.  I have Bluetooth link up in my car so I use that to dial out or pick up.  When customers call me in the car I don't say hold on while I get paper to write something down, I say "do you have my email?  please email me and I will reply as soon as I am not in my car."  My point is it can wait.  It 100% can wait.  We haven't always had phones in our vehicles...haven't always been so connected...the world will not end just because you didn't reply to that text right away. If you must reply pull the frick over and do so.  I'd like to live a bit longer and I would rather not die in a fiery crash because you just had to tell your your BFF what Bobo did or whatever.  I am sure Bobo would want you wait to tell the story rather than kill some innocent person LIKE ME and/or yourself with your bomb on wheels going 50+ MPH!!! 

Stop hiding behind the internet!

Okay I guess that may seem slightly hypocritical as I complain and talk about many different things here BUT I have never deliberately called someone out on my blog.  I may talk about people but there are no names mentioned, not enough description to figure out who it is and I am not being passive aggressive just telling funny stories for the most part or giving lessons in life based on my experiences. 

What I am talking about here are two specific types of people.  I am talking about the Facebookers who hide behind the fact that they aren't actually face to face with a person and the "anonymous" commenter on Tumblr (or similar type site).   In recent years I have noticed an increase in people wanting to shout their opinions into cyberspace, not caring who they run over in the process.  And ya know what, I really don't care.  Everyone...and I mean EVERYONE is entitled to their own opinions.  Some I agree with or relate to and some I don't but just because I don't agree with their opinion does not mean its wrong or that I can't be friends with you.  It just means I see things a little differently.  So what is an opinion? 

 

"In general, an opinion is a judgment, viewpoint, or statement about matters commonly considered to be subjective, i.e. based on that which is less than absolutely certain, and is the result of emotion or interpretation of facts."

An opinion is not a fact and it is not a law.  It is your own interpretation of a situation.  It does not make you right or wrong...it is a show of your beliefs.   Many will try to change your opinion and that is okay too.  Its like an educational thing.  If I think one way and you explain it to me differently, that may help me see it from your point of view and change or mold my original interpretation of things.  But don't get pissed at me for trying to explain my POV just because it differs from yours.  I am not trying to be an ass...I am expressing my views just like you are...it is an opinion!  If everything offends you then don't broach the subject if you don't want a reply. 

On the interwebs I usually steer clear of potentially heated discussions, mainly because its hard to express your opinion properly when someone can't see your face and things can be taken out of context.  What I've noticed lately is those who feel "slighted" by society, seem to be using Facebook (or other social media) to attack unsuspecting "friends" based on said "friends" opinion on something.  If you don't want to friend someone on Facebook, IGNORE the friend request or delete them.  You don't have to give a reason, just ignore it.  That is how a mature person should handle the situation (at least in my OPINION).  But don't go calling them out in a passive-aggressive Facebook status because you don't agree with something they posted.  Seriously who cares...you clearly aren't friends with this person to begin with...you probably popped up as a suggested friend and they clicked "friend request".  Don't turn it into an internet war where you private message them provoking them and then publicly post their responses for your "friends" to see.  What purpose does that serve?  You post their full name and their idiotic response...so what...you are just as much of an ass for provoking them.  Yea maybe their views are racist or prejudice...I sure as hell don't agree with them BUT what is the purpose of starting the fight to begin with?  My opinion is if you aren't brave enough to say it to someones face don't say it online.  You my friend are hiding behind the internet.  You are an adult, older than I am and you are acting like a "mean girl".  Most people I have seen do this are the kindest people in person and I guarantee you if they saw these people on the street they would be sweet as pie to them or avoid them all together.  And you people that are egging them on are nothing but a bunch of minions.  I bet most of you wouldn't do a thing in person so stop supporting this childish behavior.  And yes I would say this to anyone's face IF and that's a big IF they are brave enough to broach the subject to my face.  Its just I see this back and forth online and it makes it hard for me to accept the kind person I see in person.  It makes me think that is all an act and then I don't want to be friends with you anymore.  Not because of your opinion...because of your seemingly fake/split personality. 

This also goes for the "anonymous" responder.  If you aren't brave enough to respond with your real name/user name then you shouldn't be replying.  You are being a coward and a jerk.  I experienced an example of this the other day on one of these sites.  I made a comment about a character on a TV show.  Nothing that bad just an opinion.  The way the person was acting on the show made me dislike her and think of her as spoiled and bratty.   I received a response from an Anon saying "That's okay you think she is a brat, because we think you are an asshole, Now keep your hate out of this tag! Dickhead."  Wow, okay then.  First of all it wasn't hate exactly, it was an observation.  Second of all I dislike the character but I love the show.  Third I received numerous reblogs and likes on my comment so clearly using the phrase "we think" does not encompass the entire Fandom.  This is not "we think" this is you think.  If you think I am an ass/dickhead, whatever but don't hide behind Anon and don't generalize the entire Fandom.   I didn't respond.  If you can't hate message me off Anon you don't deserve a response.  Granted this wasn't bad but it was annoying.  I saw a better example yesterday.  Someone messaged another user saying "I hope you die".  That is a bit extreme.  The funniest part is the person forgot to put themselves on Anon and freaked out because the user could see who it was and was begging the other person to delete the message because they didn't want anyone to be mad at them.  The user posted the message for everyone to see.  Maybe they were being just as much of an ass by calling them out publicly but I see how they were making a point (similar to the one I am making here).  They were attacked for no reason, they didn't provoke it as far as I could tell.  It was just a hateful person wanting to be a jerk.  This is a perfect example of hiding behind the internet.  They were all "brave" to tell this person to die while they were anonymous and then retracted because they didn't want to be seen as a bad person.  I am almost certain these people are probably much younger (maybe not, who knows) than me but they should learn at a young age that you better be able to back up what you say.  

My point is you can't hide behind the internet forever.  It will catch up to you.  And one day you are going to be a jerk to the wrong person online and they are going to get back at you.  Whether it is online or in person one day Karma is going to bite you in the ass and honestly I am not going to feel sorry for you.  What if the Facebook person gets fired because you provoked them into those responses.  What if one of your "followers" takes revenge on them on your behalf?  How would you feel about that?  What if they were having a bad day and said those things out of anger or if you took their posts out of context?  They are still not politically correct but I am just saying.  How would you like it if someone took something you said out of context and you got hate for it?  Its just messed up and people should realize that.  "If you can't say something nice, say nothing"...or better yet if you must say something, be an adult about it and quit hiding behind the interwebs!

This is my opinion...I hope it wasn't offensive but regardless it is still just an opinion...I'll respect yours if you respect mine.