Vacation with the kids

The first thing I remember is we were in the mountains in a cabin.  I know my friends were there and my inlaws, like all of them.  And of course hubs.  It was a literal STONE cabin in the woods on a mountain. There were no TVs and I am fairly certain it was  winter like I am 99% sure there was snow.  I was sitting on the floor by a HUGE fire place reading a book.  

Like remember the movie "The Haunting"?  The giant fireplace....Picture that!  I started to get a backache so I got up to sit on the ENORMOUS fluffy couch.  But it was so deep it was almost uncomfortable to sit normally on.  At some point I turned sideways and was leaning back to back against someone else reading on the couch.  I really don't know how to describe it but but we were comfortably supporting each other.  

I went to lean my head back over their shoulder to say something and I noticed they had no hair....it was work bestie.  Wait why are you here??!  Honestly why are we all together!?!?!

Someone yelled food was ready and he helped me up to go to the kitchen.  My MIL had cooked and me and my hubs set the table.  It was this massively long almost medieval looking table.  That's when I realized I think we are in an old castle...that's how we can all fit but still....why is bestie here????  

I assume we ate, I don't recall. Then I was in another room playing pool and I was told someone was asking for me in the kitchen.  Like I vaguely remember them saying a name but didn't know who it was. When I walked into the room bestie's wife was sitting at a small round table with only two chairs.  I sat down with her and we had a really nice convo...about...something. Mind you I've not met her in person, just pics and posts online.  But if felt like a good convo. 

There were lots of kids running around playing all kinds of games.  His kids were definitely there playing with my nieces and nephews.  I was playing with them. Maybe hide and seek... I dunno. I kind of remember his son maybe coming to get me saying they found something in the attic.  

We were in a attic, I think.  But it was open in places, like some of the roof was missing but it also looked like maybe a lab/greenhouse.  There was a jar with something in it.  We were trying to get the something out but we couldn't and didn't want to break the container.  

I dropped it and it cracked but didn't break but I knew I had to get it away from everyone.  Oh did I mention EVERYONE was in the attic/lab/greenhouse with us. 

So I ran out of the cabin which from the outside looked more like a normal log cabin.  I was running barefoot in the snow down the driveway to get to the green trash cans.  You know like the ones we all have in our neighborhoods.  

I knew I had to get it away from everyone but the can was so far away.  I was running barefoot in the snow...my feet were hurting so bad.  They were so cold they were burning.  I heard someone yelling for me...I dont know if it was hubs, bestie or one of my brother in laws but they were yelling for me to stop.  They said I should have let them do it.  Then I stepped on something REALLY sharp.... It felt like it went through my foot. 

I woke up with the WORST Charlie Horse in my leg!!!!!!!!!!

It was like a baby bird emerging from the nest

So traveling on public transit can be...interesting. In NOLA I don't use it much...honestly I hate that.  I'd rather bus/street car but its just not convenient.  

In other large cities its the norm....mainly because driving in a car is a f**king nightmare!!!!

So when we travel we try to immerse ourselves in public transit as long as it's safe.  So we went to the Big Apple with apparently everyone else on spring break from LA (seriously was half of LA in NYC?!?!) and of course rode on the subway. 

One evening whilst traveling home we had some entertainment.  We noticed some cops on the platform....hmmm odd. 

Then a train pulled up and everyone ran off of a car a little ways down.  Then we see a bare shoulder peak out.  I heard a woman say "I don't think that guy has a shirt on".  

Then the cops spotted him and everything went sideways. He runs out of the car covering his crotch and runs away from us.  We got a perfect view of his tiny tush. 

He's running around the platform and in and out of the subway car with two cops going "come on man just stop!"  Picture a benny hill skit.... I was waiting for the music to start!!!

So they corner him and I'm pretty sure completely out of instinct one cop says "Hands up!"

And that's when we saw it.   Homeboy had a hell of a bush.  And poking out was Mr. Winky.  Now he wasn't close but I saw enough.  It was like a baby carrot in a bed of burnt pasta. A stinky pinky...I'm not finishing that one.  A cocktail sausage...ya know what I'ma stop.  You ever seen The Hangover....you know the scene!!!! In his defense it was quite chilly.  

As soon as he said it the cop was like "Aw...man cover up cover up!". One of them pulled a shirt out of nowhere and threw it at him.  

Whilst homie was putting on said shirt Tiny Tim was on full display.  Unfortunately said shirt only covered his stomach so the naked subway surfer was porky piggin' it while the cops handcuffed him.

Mind you this all happened in a very short period of time.  All the while the train wasn't boarding because I assume they didn't want him to hop back on and escape.  

As we were boarding we heard someone say "that's like the 3rd one this month".

Note - no one got in that car....

Never go into the dark woods

I am 99% sure we were at my friend's dad's camp in the dream but it also seemed like a campground we have all been to many times..

It was a HUGE plantation style house and my whole friend group with spouses plus our tall blonde with the camp were staying. The house was at the edge of a lagoon.  And all around the lagoon was a pebbled concrete path that reminded me a bit of a park.  

It had so many rooms.  It wasn't really an open layout there was a door to each room whether it was bed, living, kitchen, den, dining, etc. each had a door.  And there was lots of...stuff.  Like decor...it looked very well loved.

The weather was bouncing between sunny and storming.  I know it jumped around a few days because I remember one night when it was storming and I couldn't find my way around.  Like the lights were on and I was in a room at the top floor trying to get down and all the hallways just kept going.  So I stopped and went on the wrap around balcony and it was so dark but the moon was peaking through the clouds. 

Then I was laying out by the water...on the concrete when my PnC came out with a cocktail and was like why do you only have 6 Nutrls we are going to be here for 8 days or something like that.  So one of my twins was like let's go to the store and see what we can get you. 

So we went in to change.  While we were inside the water got "rough" and the other twin was pickup our stuff because the water was coming over the edge of the walkway.  We went to leave and I had on the jankiest flip flops that felt like they were about to snap and running shorts.  As we walked out tall blonde came in and I realized I really hadn't seen her.  She was staying in the master bedroom.  She kinda zoomed past with a quick hey and closed the door which then seemed to pull really far away down a hall.  

Note - I feel like this means something other than weird brain dream as she has in reality pulled away from everyone and we never see her. 

Anyways me and one twin started walking INTO THE WOODS to get to the store and were talking about how we should do this more often.  It wasn't terribly hot but the woods looked dark, like unaturaly dark. And I felt like we really shouldn't go in there.  Like as we walked into the canopy I was getting very nervous. 

Then it switched.  

That stick seemed angry

Maybe I shouldn't visit exotic tropical places?!?! I made it through the 8 days vacation with no more injuries.

It was the absolute most amazing time.  I love traveling.  I love immersing myself in other cultures.  

One of my favorite quotes from the ninth doctor "Time travel is like visiting Paris: You can't just read the guidebook. You need to throw yourself in! Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers! Or is that just me?"

I remember the first time I watched that episode.  And that quote.... THAT quote resonated with me.  I realized he was so right.  Don't just be a tourist, learn and appreciate where you are visiting!  I am not bilingual but I will learn enough to communicate.  I will try.  I will embarrass the $hit out of myself but it always...ALWAYS seems to make the locals smile with appreciation. 

Anyways moving on.  This fantastic 

(hehehehe) trip was coming to an end.  I didn't fall or have anything else happen.  On our last day it was STORMING all afternoon.  During a break in the weather we ventured out to our last dinner.  It was still a little misty but nothing bad.  It was late-ish though, so the sun was set.  As I am walking up to the restaurant I step over a stick.  

The stick MOVED!!!!!!!!!  

I jumped over the stick and ran into the doorway.  Mind you the country we were in...everything was open air so no door.  This guy grabs me and says "Que Pasa, chica?"  I tried and blanked on saying snake in Spanish so I just said "Uh...snake..."

Meanwhile hubs is on the bricks for the garden with his flashlight out.  The guy gets super excited and runs out to see it.  The hostess said "Que pasa senorita?" I said "Uh snake...."  She jumps onto a chair and says "Donde, donde!?!??!"  I said "Uhhh afuera".  She crosses herself and says  "Ay dios mio!!!!"

The guy and my sig other come back in and the guy says "I...I no....no vi. Uhhh ok ok.  I no see if it was uhhh... if it was a no bueno snake, comprende?"  Si si...pero esta muy grande, verdad??   

He starts laughing and says "Si, pero I think...I don't think it was venomous." Then hubs says I dunno.  It seemed pissed.  It struck at her shoe when she jumped.  

The guy goes "No $hit!" and says "señorita tienes mucha suerte".  

So yea... on my LAST NIGHT in paradise I almost stepped on (possibly venomous) snake...in the rain heading to dinner.  Thankfully I apparently jump high and had on THICK rubber shoes.  

Side Note - the rest of dinner the guy who happened to be our waiter teased me RELENTLESSLY! 

NOTE NOTE - Please don't come at me for the Spanish.  I knew what they were saying in the moment but couldn't remember word for word so had to improvise so if its wrong its on me. 

That street jumped up and attacked me!

So we went on this AMAZING out of country vacation.  But like it was a foreign country so being careful and cautious is important.  As in getting sick or injured would probably not be great. 

So what does this chick do?  On night ONE, this chick COMPLETELY sober picked a fight with the street and the street won. 

Let me set the scene.  We are high on life (and jet lag).  We are so excited to be in this beautiful exotic tropical country.  We walked to dinner in daylight but on the way home...the sun had set.  There were no street lights because light pollution, etc.  So there we are walking DOWNHILL on a two lane PITCH BLACK road. 

We had our phones out but that's all we had on us.  As we are cutting up and laughing I stepped on a jagged piece of road.  My ankle twisted and I went down HARD. 

Somehow (do not ask me how) I caught myself with my hands (and my poor phone).  I felt my right knee hit but not hard and it wasn't bleeding 

My screen looked like it was cracked to shit at the bottom of the screen but the phone was working.

Then hubs grabbed my hand to keep walking and said "you're hand is wet". 

I look with my phone and see blood steadily dripping from the heel of my palm.  

I'm ok though.  

We get back to the condo and I SCRUB my hands with antibacterial soap and hot water.  I had f**king gravel in my palm.  

I tweezer the debris out, put some 'sporin on it, and bandaid the crap out of it. 

The next day I take a peek and it's actually not that bad. 

But I do look like I have a snake bite on my palm.  Literally there are two DEEP perfect circles.  I don't know what I fell on....  My other hand has a scrape but its not bad at all.  My knees are fine.  My phone looks like shit but it still works fine and it's just the screen protector scratched up.  

So Day ONE of a eight day vacation and I busted my hand.

I fell down a mountain

I swear I am coordinated....sometimes.  I can dance and not fall or trip but ANY OTHER ACTIVITY...I end up on my butt...or face. 

So I went hiking, like up a mountain.  I was being so careful!!!!  

I made it up with little incident except getting winded (altitude).  About half way down I stepped on a loose rock.  My left leg slide forward... hubs tried to catch me but he was a little too far ahead.

I had two options try to balance a risk falling off the trail and down a steep rocky slope or just sit/fall.  

I sat...the problem is my right leg had bent under me during the slide so when I sat, my shin & knee hit hard...and I was still sliding. Once I stopped I just sat there assessing.  Pain...yes!!!!!  but I was still on the trail and not tumbling down the side of a mountain, winning!!!

As I shakily stood, pain shot down my leg.

I leaned against the rock wall and carefully tested my leg.

It hurt but was easing, okay so not broken *whew*.

I carefully hobbled down the rest of the mountain.  When I got to the car I pulled up my pant leg.  I had two decent gashes and lots of scrapes.  It wasn't bleeding too bad but was already starting to bruise.  

So what does one do after they fall down a mountain and injure their leg?!?!?! They hike another mountain the next day.  

Y'all Nasty!

I am so over people who have ZERO manners.  If there is one thing I need you parents (guardians, Awesome Aunties, etc) to teach your crotch goblins is to always cover their mouth/nose when they sneeze/cough!!! That way they become adults who always cover their mouth/nose when they sneeze/cough.

So far parents at this point are doing an awesome job.  All the littles I see as young as 3ish cover, use an elbow, down the shirt.  But alas the parents of the 70's & 80's you have FAILED US!

I have never seen so many 30, 40, and sometimes 50 somethings that just blow snot everywhere without a care of who is around.  WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?

We were in a place with lots and lots of people....kids and adults alike.  And its funk season, I know this.  But 90% the kiddies COVERED THEIR FACES WHEN sneezing or coughing.  Many adults did too but SOOOOO many over 30 year olds...some WAY OVER 30 year olds just shot their funk on everyone near by.

And now I know how the zombie apocalypse starts!

There I was standing in line...minding my own business when suddenly the guy in the line next to me full on sneeze coughed IN MY FACE!  Well the side of my face...STILL! Do you know what a sneeze cough is?  Let me enlighten you...its where you sneeze and cough at the same time spraying anything within 5 feet of you with snot and spit!

Without thinking I yelled ARE YOU Fffffff........I paused thankfully because children where there...and said SERIOUS?!?!!?!??!  He had the right of mind to look ashamed but still.  I told my husband loudly, I think I need to bathe in hand sanitizer....and I did.  In front of him and like 30 other people, I scrubbed down with peppermint scented hand sani...ahhh feel the burn!  The man in front of me asked me to share...and I did.  I think he got hit with some of the spray.  We couldn't go anywhere but wait out the line.  After I was out of line, I went to the bathroom and scrubbed my face and hair. 

Two days later (basic incubation period for a cold/virus) I started to feel a little sniffly.  Day three (the day we flew home) I was miserable and couldn't breath out of my nose.  Day four, my last day of vacay I had to miss an event and literally slept 90% of the day.  Here we are on day five.  I have a sinus funk, am exhausted, and sound like a f**king seal when I cough. 

Conclusion Thanks to some @$$hole I was next to in line the other day, I am pretty sure I have some sort of plague.  Guess I'll be going to the Doctor before my Christmas Party tomorrow...yay....

I think I lost a nipple

In recent travels I started writing on the opaque shower walls.  Like once it’s steamed up I write “I know what you did”, “your husband knows”, or just “I know”.  You might says it’s pointless because they clean after every guest...true but I feel there is a height limit to the shower cleaning....like above the head, it’s good unless noticeably dirty.

Anyways, I am currently on a getaway trip with the sig other.  We have this....shower.  It’s super nice. Big enough for four 😳 with two wall shower heads and a rainfall head above.  The problem....the water temp is either Loki’s nipple or Hades hot tub....there is no in between!  So I either 

or

.....looks like I’m losing skin this trip.

Not to mention, for a five star hotel, the water takes FOREVER to warm up! Once it got to Dante’s inferno I realized only one head was working.

After fiddling with a knob, the rainfall started but it was freezing cold *shrill scream*. I stepped in once it was around the surface of the sun.

But why is that other wall just dribbling...?

FINE I only need two heads!

After my skin adjusted to the boiling waters of hell, I began to enjoy my multi head shower.

I was bent over shaving a leg when that stupid third head decided to join in the fun. By sending a powerful blast of ice water straight at my tatas.

The spray was coming out so hard it covered the entire shower area.  Opening the door would have soaked the bathroom.  I finally plastered myself against the opposite wall and tried to turn it off. 

Every direction I turned the knobs just adjusted the two original heads.  This mutant shower head was unaffected. 

It eventually warmed up to cooling lava but the stream was so strong it exfoliated...well everything and I was still covered in soap.

I did my best impression of a speed showerer and somehow managed to finally turn off the water.

I have no idea what happened but looking at the head, I think a piece popped out that controls the intensity of the water.  I’m now bright red, half shaved, with a knotted mess of hair...but hey, at least I’m clean....

The hills can kiss my @$$!

Right anyway.  This city girl went to the mountains.  Well I say Mountains....apparently they were "foothills" but when you come from under sea level elevation, even a 100 ft hill is a f**king mountain. 

To get there we had to drive through nothing. Like hours where there was farm land, an occasional house, and MAYBE a gas station that looked straight out of an after school special titled "don't stop at the corner shop".  While driving in nowhere USA I saw a hand painted sign that said "Jesus is the reason...FOR LIFE!!!" nailed to a tree in the middle of a forest...nothing to be seen for MILES around until a clearing with a miniature crucifixion. 

We reached some form of civilization and saw a store (I really needed to tee tee).  Joe's One Stop Shop...gas, food, fishing license, notary, 24 hr adult toys, smoke, & vape **Restrooms Available**.  (I made up the name...I don't remember the business name and did not take a pic but I wrote down as much as I could remember as we sped by)

We kept going until I was about to lose control of my bladder.  We stopped at another location that had an OUTHOUSE!  I mean it had electricity and running water but it was out back, all alone, with a pad locked door.  When I flushed water came up from the floor.  When I went wash my hands I realized the elbow pipe was missing and soaked my feet.

When we finally got to the mountains I basically had a coronary in the car.  There is no guardrail and the shoulder is barely the width of me.  "Oh hello there drop off".  It was so steep there were signs telling you to "brake check" before you went any further, just in case.  And other signs telling larger vehicles to use lower gears.  And there were "run off" areas for run away 18-wheelers...Two narrow lanes...THAT'S IT!

I was white-knuckling it the whole 100 miles through that insanity. 

But we made it *whew*.

We were out in the middle of NO WHERE at a hotel in the "mountains".  I mean the closest Walmart was like 80 miles away.  I am pretty sure I heard dueling banjos at least once as we hiked through the wilderness.  

Oh yea and someone saw a 10 point buck less than 30 feet away, a red fox playing off the path, what I think was a small cougar or enormous house cat hanging out in the parking lot...and lots bats...seriously the amount of bats was kind of unnerving. 

Clearly I made it back alive and it was GORGEOUS but I've come to the conclusion that although I love the outdoors, I'd rather be at or near sea level... 

Or maybe space...I think I could do space

When I said I thoguht the devil was cute, I was talking about the actor!!! Not the actual devil!!! Please remove this curse!

Right so in a previous post I was rambling on about my crush on "the devil" but not really the devil...an ACTOR playing him on a TV Show.  Apparently the part where I said "NOT ACTUALLY THE DEVIL" was lost when some of the divine were reading my blog and they decided to punish me.

We did a travel race recently and thought "whooohoo excuse for a girls weekend".

Everything was fine.  We had some adult beverages and decided to do a buffet for dinner.  Buffets are usually a waste on me because I don't eat THAT much but what the heck, why not...?

A few of us went straight for the snow crabs...mmmmmm snow crabs.  They were delicious.  There was also boiled shrimp, prime rib, calamari, oysters, clams, scallops, pad thai, sushi (um no thanks...buffet...just...no), etc etc etc.  We were having fun and chatting and drinking (water/cokes at this point).  30-45 min later everyone started eating dessert but I wasn't in the mood (this is normal...I don't eat many sweets).  Mid-sentence I got the absolute worst stabbing pain I have EVER had.  I literally just stopped talking.  Then it passed.  Okay...that was weird...moving on.  A few minutes later it happened again...lasted longer but then passed. "Hmmmm what is wrong with me...?" Attributing it to "NOLA Gurl never eats this much" I ignored it (bad idea).  It happened again...SO BAD I white knuckle gripped the table and closed my eyes.  I thought I was going to pass out from pain.  My friends were like...dude you okay?  No...no...I think...I think I need to pop off to the potty for a tic.  Everything I ate was just dying to make a reappearance.  They were all done so they opted to go back to the room with me before we headed to our next destination.

I wasn't dying but I felt...off...and I was terrified of what the next "knife in the gut, rolling nausea" pain would bring with it.  As we are going up in the elevator one of my other friends stopped mid sentence and bent over in pain..."Uh oh".  She did not fare as well as me with the "OMG someone is stabbing me from the inside" pain (told you I have a high pain threshold).  No...no...she was about to....have a moment in the elevator.

It was like a childbirth moment.  "Sweetie breathe, breathe.  Okay you are fine...you're fine", *crying out in pain*, "you've got this...just 3 more floors" *to the other friend* "get the key out, NOW!".  We couldn't run down the hall because...just trust me when I say, that would have been unwise.

We barely made it into the room.  While one of us "died" in the bathroom, the rest of us just hung out in the common area with the TV up loud, for privacy purposes. I was not doing well sitting there but we only had one bathroom...*deep breath* you can wait.  Suddenly you hear "y'all *gasp* I think I might be dying!"  

By this point I am sweating and pale. *whoosa, whoosa*

"I'm fine...feel great...yep..." Yea no!  She came out just in time for me to bolt in there, I couldn't "breathe" my way through the pain anymore.

After my friend's second bout of dying in the bathroom the following occurred:

Me: Okay, so we are, uh, staying in...good, that's good.
Friend 1:  I need pepto, *groan* flopping onto the bed
Friend 2: Yea, I think that would be wise, y'all don't look too good
Me: *taking off leggings to put on my PJs* Right, I'll text the others and...
*running with leggings around my ankles and just a cami* 
*tripping over the leggings* 
*slamming into the wall* 
*crawling into the bathroom* 
*barely made it to the toilet*

***5 minutes later*** 

Friend 2: NOLA Gurl, you need to get out the bathroom, NOW!
Me: *in a sing song voice* I caaaaaan't , I'm having issssuuuuuessss *stabbing pain* *gag* *groan*
Friend 1: I can't, I can't hold this in *starting to cry* it hurts so much
Friend 2: *screaming* NOLA Gurl, we have a PROBLEM!!!
Me: *dying* * just straight up dying*
Friend 2: Weeeeellll there is a trash can in here
Friend 1: Ha! *gag* *groan* don't make me laugh...
Me: *sobbing* it just...it just won't stop! 

This went on for hours.  It was like a gladiator match trying to get to the bathroom.

We cuddled with each other on the bed, moaning in pain, and watching videos on a phone until we fell asleep (sort of).  I mean who wants to fall into a deep sleep when there is a chance you could puke or $hit yourself before you get to the f**king bathroom 

So we are 99% sure we had some type of food poisoning but we can't figure out what we ate differently. 

UPDATE - we think it was the snow crabs.  They were dumping the fresh ones on top of the older ones...we think ours were from the bottom...who knows how long there were there...o_O