Accidental Crotchless Panties

Can I get a do over?!?!?

It was raining cats and dogs when I woke up.  I had somewhere to be for work but the hubs was still sleeping.  This meant I got dressed in very limited lighting.  After a harrowing drive to the office I needed some serious caffeine and a potty. Potty first...

In my non caffeinated stupor I almost missed the tiny tear in my undies.  "Hmmm that's odd". It was about a half inch across near the crotch area.  "These are brand new, wtf?!?!?!"  It looked like someone took a scissor to them!  I have so many questions....

A little while later I went back to potty "OMG its bigger!!!" 

Drank a little too much caffeine.... "JFC its almost halfway across now!!!!"

Went to lunch, came back... "Sweet Baby Jesus this B**ch is hanging by a thread!" 

Had a mini meeting...I am talking in front of people ...when suddenly I feel a tickle...in my nether regions.

This can't be happening.... "no...no no no no no.....oh my god..."

There was a definite change in temperature.  I could hardly focus on anything but the fact that my f**king thong snapped and was now nothing more than a really sad loin cloth that barely covered...ANYTHING.  Must continue...

Why do people think going commando is sexy?!?!?  I don't find it sexy...its weird...and a little drafty!!!!

Can I get a redo?

No, yea I am 100% positive I've never searched for a penis elongator....

So I thought those "sponsored ads" on FB were supposed to be related to your google searches or purchases or whatever.  Because the ones I got the other day were far from anything I have EVER searched. 

Imagine my surprise when I was scrolling and I saw this....

At first I was like its a back brace...then I looked closer.  WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!?! 

And it CLEARLY has a weighted something tugging on it.  Conclusion...I don't know why is this in my Facebook feed?!?!  And why are my friends "liking" this page!?!?!? What is this store?!?!

So I swiped left to see what else this f**ked up store had "suggested" for me ...I don't know why I do this to myself....

That is obviously someone with their pants pulled down.  I know I know they are trying to show the fleece lining and I might have googled something like this but there are WAY BETTER WAYS to illustrate that..... just saying.  Next...

Can you see it?!?! Here look closer so you can be horrified like me!!!

What....why....OMG....what is that for...?
ya know what don't answer that...
wait, is she putting a thumb in the butt!?!!?!

*sobbing*

But wait there's more...

What is that?!?  Is that a poopy potty?!?!  I see baby butt...can't we just use diapers....?

I can't stop myself...what else is there?!?

Oh...okay...whew the small picture shows it as an "Exhaust Plug"

But...but lets get real...that's.....that's for Butt stuff isn't it....I just saw an over-sized ribbed butt plug.  And if it isn't, can you blame me for thinking that after the other f**ked up pictures I just saw?!!?!?!

One more swipe....

OMG something I did actually google!!!!!!!  More than SIX pictures in...yes there were other weird products but nothing as weird as these...why why why why why why why why....

And no, I swear I have never searched for ANYTHING that should have shown me any of those other pictures....besides the leggings...I am thoroughly confused and concerned....

This is how it happens. This is how Skynet takes over!

I need a degree in Computer Engineering to use a treadmill....and no I am not an anti-tech person.  But I haven't had a Gym membership in over a year.  I just signed up again and I don't understand how to use the new equipment.  Its WAY more techy than the $hit I am used to. 

It can't be that hard...right?!?  Wrong!  I feel like a super goob trying to use the f**king treadmill!  Its a TREADMILL for doGs sake!!!  So we have a touchscreen thingy to control it but we also have buttons by the handles.  There is a TV on it above the touch screen that you can control...with a remote...or maybe with the touch screen.  There are 5 wires sticking out of it that kind of remind me of the charging wires for my phone so I am thinking you can connect it.  But it also says Bluetooth.  Whatever shall I do!?!?!? In order to get a "lesson" from a trainer I have to schedule an appointment BEFORE 5PM...I get off at 4:30...FML!!!

I just want to run on a f**king treadmill and track my calories/miles/speed.  While listening to music via Pandora via the "FREE" WiFi.  Is that too much to f**king ask for?!?!?  And by Free WiFi I mean WiFi that works.  Not WiFi that kind of works, then cuts out, then cuts back...then disappears, then comes back again.  There were literally 5 people in the ENTIRE GYM including me and the employees.  Why was it being such an @$$hole?!?!?

Side note - my resting temp on average is 97.2 degrees.  When I am in A/C (like in a gym) my hands feel like bony icicles of death, even when I am working out!  It is like all the blood drains from my extremities or something.  This means that touch screens are NOT my friends!!! STG I have to put my hands in my armpits to warm them up enough for the f**king touch screen to realize I am in fact alive.  Which looks like I am doing some weird running impression of Mary Katherine Gallagher ...and no I do not smell them after. 

Moving on.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to program a workout.  I didn't connect my phone because I wasn't sure.  I pressed start...it went immediately to 7mph.  I am 5'1"...my little legs don't really go that fast!

Then it told me I had done 1 minute (only a minute?!?!? that felt like a f**king eternity!) and had 2,497 minutes left in my workout...

That would be running for 41.6 HOURS.  Do I look like Forest Gump!?!?!  I think I did something wrong...whatever I did 45 minutes and pressed the cool down BUTTON.  I tried to find a "how to use a lifefitness treadmill" tutorial online but I got nothing.  So I will go back to the gym tonight and attempt to figure this f**ker out again. 

Maybe I should stick to the classes...

 

Spiders are intelligent...they are plotting my demise so they can have my house

Right...so lately I've mentioned my house is the real life set of Arachnophobia.  I really feel like I should start charging rent...or at the very least utilities.  I'll give them a discount if they continue eating critters I don't want around and leave me alone.  But I am getting concerned that we may be past the point of "oh look I have a few spiders" to "you do realize this is their house now?" 

Moving on, I've learned over the years that your vehicle is considered an extension of your property.  Apparently arachnids have learned this as well.  Anyways, I was driving when I turned and was in direct line with the sun.  So I of course pulled down my visor...I squeaked and promptly flipped it right back up.

What had happened was there was a massive brown spider just a chillin on it.  I was going about 75MPH and decided having THAT creature fall on me while driving would probably be bad...mmmkay.  So I "calmly" waited until I got to my 1st destination to investigate further.

To make myself feel better I kept saying "its CLEARLY dead. It has to be dead.  It didn't move when I moved the visor....its DEAD!" Again, I am not scared of spiders but it was HUGE and brown and all I could think of was a brown recluse and I was freaking out a bit because those are no bueno!  So I got to where I was going and "calmly" got out of the car.  I picked up a tissue and moved the visor.  The spider was still in the same spot not moving.

Oh thank god!  He IS dead *whew*.  So I leaned in to pick it up.  This is the point where he decided he was NOT in fact dead and jumped at my face.

I spazzed out so bad.  I mean I REALLY hope that cop behind me did not have his dash cam on because I fear I will be on one of those "hahaha moron" shows.  Here is what happeend.

It jumped
I jumped
I hit my head on the roof of my car
I bent over in pain
I realized that mother f**ker was still on my neck
I re-spazzed

I flung it off of me...back into my car

It landed on the driver's seat
I lunged for it to kill it/get it out of my car
It backed away and REARED up (you know like front legs and FANGS in the air)

I hesitated
It ran into the mechanical hinge of my seat
*blgrablgph ahhhh* I hung my head in defeat

So now what???  I tried finding it with no luck...he is obviously good at hiding.  So I reluctantly got back in my car to drive to my next destination.  What if he surprises me while I am driving again?!?!?!  I am fairly certain it was a Southern House Spider...I think.

No but really what would you do if you saw an extra large one of these right in front of your face???