$1,000 Brick with a side of heart attack....

So you don't know millennial fear until you are backing up your phone to your computer when it tries to suddenly do a software update and THEN your dog yanks the cable out.

It was like the trifecta of f**ked up!!!!  My 'lifeline' to the world was stuck in "restore to factory settings"...

 

Thank God, the backup finished but WTF man?!!?!  Every time I tried to complete the update, it said it couldn't connect to the phone. EEEEEEEEEE!

B**ch was a freaking brick...

It took me 45 min of playing Genius Bar to fix it. 

thank you for giving me enough knowhow to figure it out. 

Finally after force quitting and restarting and doing a naked rain dance it began to update and verify software. 

It FINALLY finished!!!

After a painful 10 minutes of it sitting with less than 10% left I finally took a deep breath and unplugged it. 

I need a freaking Xanax and a shot of tequila. 

Talk about 1st World Problems!!!!

Why does it matter what BRAND of tech SOMEONE ELSE has?!?!

I have been called "stupid" because I have an iPhone.  I'm sorry...what?!?  Like, I don't say a damn thing, I just get attacked because I happen to own an iPhone.  Apparently I am not a "real" tech person if I don't own a Samsung.  F**k you, I had a Samsung when they first started making phones.  I liked it, it worked great but I PREFERRED the iPhone when I got my Smartphone ten years ago. Will I ever get a Galaxy or a Note...maybe, maybe not but I don't see how that is a concern of ANYONE else.

But you see, I am "clearly unintelligent" if I keep buying Apple because Samsung is so advanced and cheaper.  I don't know what planet you live on but they are fairly close in Price depending on storage and model...give or take.  I have had ZERO issues functioning with my iPhone.  My phone is almost 4 years old and aside from a cracked screen (stupid dog) it works fine.  Yes, Samsung has different features but nothing that screams to me.  At this point mine does everything I need it to do.  I can't help it if you can't function with an iPhone and needed a Samsung.  Good for you, I don't care what f**king kind of phone you have.

I just don't get it.  Its like the PC vs Mac $hit from a few years ago.  Its a preference thing.  I don't do gaming but I do designing and photography.  So I got a USED Mac and it lasted me 7+ years, I still have it and it still works.  Its zippy enough and loads with no issues. The ONLY reason I got a new one is because the battery was failing and it didn't have enough memory to handle the newer Operating Systems and the applications were getting dated.  This happens with PCs too so don't even try to BS me on that.  My husband went through THREE Windows based laptops in that time so again bite me.  Yes they are expensive but I'd rather spend $999 today and not worry about it again for 7+ years...while he spent $500 per computer over 8 years...that is $1500 and they didn't even come with Office (I have the Mac version, it works FINE!).

Its not like I run around saying *in a condescending voice* "I use Apple products". I actually don't say anything.  Usually its other people asking me what kind of computer I have.  All I say "I have a MacBook" and people legit attack me for "sucking Apple's d**k".  I'm sorry, does my PERSONAL laptop offend you....?

My point is WHO THE F**K cares.  If what you are using works for you, why does it matter?!?!  Yes the newer ones like the Surface are WAY better than their predecessors and have really cool features and functions but those cost a pretty penny also so again its a f**king preference thing.  WHO CARES?!?!?!  "But does yours turn into a Tablet?".  No, but at the time I didn't want or need that feature.  I have an iPad, have since 2011...again STILL WORKS FINE.  "But it doesn't turn into a tablet".  Okaaaaay...WHY DO YOU CARE...?

After this MacBook (which I've had for 2 years and have ZERO ISSUES) goes the way of the dinosaurs I'll weigh my options and make a decision.  By that time who the f**k knows what kind of tech will be out there.

My point is why does it bother other people so much when someone has Apple or Samsung or LG or what-the-f**k-ever brand of tech.  Are you using it?  If the answer is no, then shut up.  It is not necessary to be an @$$hole  about it.  I didn't laugh in your face when your Samsung LITERALLY caught fire.  I'm 99% sure I didn't say anything except, "Well, that sucks...".

People's problem is they are overly involved in everyone else's business.  I clearly take VERY good care of my tech which in turn makes it last longer but its still MY tech and MY preference.  It has zero effect on you except you feel the need to tell me how stupid I am for some reason.

Yea well if I "suck Apple's d**k, then you eat Samsung's @$$hole".  And I DON'T CARE!  Bon appetite, would you like a Chardonnay with that?  Just shut up and be happy you can afford such luxuries.

**Rant over**

Doth my eyes deceive me?

Yes!  Yes they do!!!  I don't understand.  I am in my 30's, I was in dance and theater...I know how to put on makeup.  I know how to make my eyes "pop" and whatnot.  So why does the camera not capture it!?!?!?! 

Does anyone else have this issue???  I am not talking about heavy liner/going out type looks.  I am talking about the subtle but noticeable accenting of your eyes.  Where you are enhancing your looks but without looking like you were attacked by a sharpie. 

I hate when I finish my makeup and I am like, "Ooooo yea, that looks good".  Then I see pics on my phone and I am like "where the f**k did my eyebrows go?!?!" I go to the ladies room to "touch up" and in the mirror my eyes are like *bam*. Dafuq?!?!?  

Seriously though...how do I see this in the mirror:

And this in pics:

What sorcery is this?!?!?! I even lost the shading of my iris.  Am I a zombie?  A vampire?  What is happening?!?!?!  Do I have some sort of weird skewed way of seeing my reflection?  I hate to cake on MORE makeup just for pics.  I take that back, its not ALL pics.  Its pics on cell phones!  Professional photos or pics on my "fancy" camera look way better.  And I don't have a $hit phone.  I have an iPhone 6 and my friend has a brand new Galaxy...WTF man?!!?!?

**Note** - Yes I did draw those...don't laugh...they were quickie sketches done at my desk to illustrate a point. 

You made me sound like uncultured swine, not cool man...!

Okay so I get all kinds of calls on my phone...it is the nature of my job.  And as I've stated before because of the weird way our office phones forward to our cell phones it always looks like I am getting calls from across the world.

So my phone rang and it said Warrington, England.  I answered...clearly its one of those weird forward situations.  I said "This is NOLA Gurl" and a ridiculously proper English accent responded.  I almost dropped my phone.  Alright, whose f**king with me today?!?  So I pulled the phone away from my ear and realized it was not a forwarded call.  Then I hear, "hello....hello...Miss???" in a very concerned English accent.  Right...okay brain start working! 

Me: Hi.......
Caller:  Hello Ms NOLA Gurl, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Me: Hi.....................
Caller: I'm Thomas from *insert company I created an account for yesterday*
Me: Oh, oh *giggle* hello.
Caller:  Yes, well I couldn't help but notice you created two items on our platform but never completed the order.  One appears to be for your American holiday of Thanksgiving and the other a wonderfully creative Christmas item.
Me: Uh huh....
Caller:  Well you see, I would like to inquire if there was an issue with the platform that caused you to not wish to continue.
Me: Oh, no no, it worked great.  I just need approval before I continue.
Caller: Oh, splendid! Well then, would it be beneficial to you if forwarded you additional information related to our products to get to your higher ups?
Me:  Yea, sure that would be wonderful
Caller: *verifying my email* *pronounces my insanely ridiculous French last name perfect on the first try* Is that correct?
Me: *jaw drop*
Caller: Miss?
Me: Yes, yes that.  Um yes, that is correct.
Caller: Splendid, well Ms. *pronounces my last name perfectly again* it has been an immense pleasure speaking with you. Please do not hesitate to contact me should a question arise when placing your order.
Me: Yes, thank....thank you.

*click*

Imagine getting a call from Tom Hiddleston...that's really all I could think after he said his name was Thomas!  Stupid nerd brain being stupid. 

W.T.F. just happened?!?!  How did I end up on the phone sounding like a moron with someone from England?!!?!? And who says splendid?!?!?  So I went check the website I was on and sure enough they are based out of the U.K.  I didn't even realize it!  Not that it matters.  It is a digital product I was looking into, I was just culture shocked I guess. 

Look I work in Louisiana...9 times out of 10 I am on the phone with some Cajun who speaks in Southern/Cajun speak. Ya know bastardized English....so I was caught a bit off guard. And NO ONE, I mean NO ONE who doesn't know me personally has EVER pronounced my last name correctly on the first try...without stuttering...that just shorted out my brain *ugh* I am such a goober!

Side Note - He called me at 3:00PM my time...that's what....9:00PM their time.  He was waaaaaay too chipper to be working at a call center at 9:00PM!!!

Our VoIP system is gonig to get me put on some watch list!!!!

So we have this lovely VoIP system at work which allows me to work from ANYWHERE and it is great, right?  Right!  Well what it does is it forwards calls from my office phone to my cell phone so no one is the wiser that I am not in fact sitting at my desk (nothing that new here).  When it does this I see the phone number calling, along with my 3 digit extension tagged on to the end of it.  That is how I know it is work call.

Well after I installed an OS update on my iPhone I started seeing strange Caller IDs.  Normally when I get a call and the person isn't in my contact list, it just says the city they are calling from (Baton Rouge, LA; Amite, LA; New Orleans, LA).  Well with the forwarded calls it now looks like I am recieving calls from all over the world.

I was REALLY confused one day when it said incoming call from Iran...WTF?!?!  Apparently my extension being added to the end of the number is making my phone think the first two digits are the country code.  So when I get a call from different area codes, I get crazy countries.

Examples:

985 numbers are Iran
318 numbers are Netherlands
225 numbers are Côte d'Ivoire
337 numbers are France
504 numbers are Honduras
601 numbers are Malaysia 

So I feel like one day an unmarked black SUV is going to be parked by my house and when I go to get the mail in my Pajamas I will be abducted by some unknown three letter government agency. We are talking full on True Lies situation.  

If y'all don't hear from me for a while THIS is what happened...no doubt. 

Finally, I can have a blood curdling scream coming from my pocket and it won't get me strange stares!!! Well mostly...maybe...eh, who cares!

It's October b**ches!!!  You know what that means?!?!?  It means my ringtone is now "This is Halloween" and my text tone is currently a blood curdling scream.  Well sometimes.  They will get changed to the Halloween theme, Jason's theme, the Exorcist theme...you get the picture.  I just can't help myself.  "Ch ch ch ch, ah ah ah ah".

Of course when I get a Traffic alert at 3AM and it sounds like someone is being murdered, I may not find it so amusing.  Who am I kidding, of course I will!

I can't wait to get home and put up my decorations!!!!  The agreement is no decor until the month of the holiday...it's October 1st...whoohoo!!!  I also can't wait to see what Speedy does.  Last year was Demon Spawns first Halloween and she walked around in a constant state of "WTF".  She would crawl into my lap and hiss at the skeleton hanging from my fan.  I posted on FB about her dislike of my Halloween decorations to which my bestie replied "does she know she is a Halloween decoration?!?"  Skiddish cat + black cat = my little witch's familiar. 

Speedy is scared of his own shadow so who knows what he'll do.  I can't wait, *muahahaha*. 

One of my FAVORITE Halloween movies!!!  Yes its cheesy and not scary at all but I love love love it!

So starting today:
1.  Decorations
2.  Finalize costume
3.  WATCH SCARY MOVIES!!!

Ahhhhh!!!!

Can't...contain...the....Smart@$$...response...*gah*

You know I am patient...to a point...then something happens and I become the most sarcastic thing known to these parts. 

You ever just hear something that is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out there that you can't help but be an @$$ when responding?!? I do...often...and I have to attempt to contain my sarcasm...it rarely works. 

If I sent you this picture, with a note that said "can you tell when my puppy woke me up?"...it is pretty self explanatory...right?!!?

  

So how would you respond if someone said "I don't know what I am looking at...is that an arrow?"

I...what?!?!  It says "Sleep"...I added a note that should tell you its some sort of sleep chart...there is an OBVIOUS spike at 5AM.

So I responded "Yes, 'It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat'".  (I was just listening to that song) Apparently that was an @$$hole answer because I got called all kinds of mean things via text. 

What made it worse (or better) was said person also responded with "is that something on your phone?" I said sort of. It's a fitness tracker, that is the app it connects to.   Which got the response "I don't know what that is...." So I said that brightly colored thing I always wear...then I took a pic of it and sent it.  The response was "Oh, look at your wedding ring!!! :)" 

Okay A.D.D. there is a VERY bright watch looking thing that is the focal point of the pic and the topic of the previous conversation.  So I said "Right...I didn't tell you I had a fitness chip put in my wedding band?  Its the latest rage." Again...NOT the right thing to say...more colorful insults...well they were meant as insults all they did was make me laugh harder. 

I swear I am a nice person...usually...

So I think the apocolypse started...

I mean we've had crazy weather before but recent storms took the cake!  I am semi okay with bad weather like a Hurricane because we have time to prep (I don't like them but I can mentally ready myself for the possible aftermath) but when its sudden, it is so much more terrifying!!!  There was a memorial service for someone I know very well.  All hell broke loose while in said service.  Can I just say the lights going out during one of these is a bit unsettling...and I've read we weren't the only ones that had this lovely experience...INSANITY!

So the day started okay.  Get ready, drive into town.   We knew some nastiness was headed our way but we apparently didn't know HOW bad it would be.  As we pulled up to the church there was a slight drizzle starting..."oh shoot, lets get inside". . . it went downhill quickly from there.  As we were talking to our family and friends I felt our phones buzzing like crazy.  We went to the restroom and realized our family that is a bit north and west of where we were was freaking out.  Apparently a tornado touched down in that city and chaos ensued.  Schools were pulling kids into hallways, offices were locking the doors and "hunkering down", there was hail and power was out all over.  "Oh $hit!" We told them where we were and they basically said "stay put, it is BAD!"

As we made our way back to the others we were discussing how insane that is.  We were telling one of our peeps what was going on when our phones started buzzing again.  WTH!?!?  It was our "parish" emergency response system.  "Seek shelter immediately.  Possible Tornado.  Strong winds. Hail."  Oh no, our poor dogs!!!  So I texted my neighbor to see if he was home.  He wasn't but he said his house alarm went off ...something about his garage door.  He asked our other neighbor that was home to check on our houses.  His response "I will once the weather passes.  There are straight-line winds, sideways rain, I'm in the bathtub.  It looks like a white out and like it is midnight." (it was 10AM)  At this point WE are starting to get nervous.  People are running into the church soaked and windblown.  It is beginning to get nasty by us too.  Very quickly the windows darkened.  It wasn't like "hey it is cloudy out" it was more like "hey, who turned out the lights." (count the shadows) You could hear the wind picking up and rain pelting the church.  We are telling some peeps at the service what was happening in our hood when "BANG" a loud, almost explosion and the lights went out.  "F**k!" (no one said it but we were all thinking it).  Then the generator kicked on. . .but you see it only powers SOME of the lights.  Like enough to see so it was still a little dark.  There was a lot of nervous laughter and talking.  People were still making their way to the service (soaked) while the priest was lighting candles. 

As we were about to start, whispering amongst the attendees is increasing and more phones are buzzing.  Apparently it was now flooding outside.  People were scrambling trying to get to their cars BEFORE water gets in them and others are calling to say they can't get to the church because of high waters and wind.  *memories of our flood flashing in my head*  Finally we begin.  The wind is steadily howling, debris (not just rain) is slamming into the church.  And then pretty much every phone in the place went off (Emergency Response System does NOT follow the phone on silent rule...it overrides it).  Well that was a terrifying "seek shelter" message..."F**k!" again thought NOT said aloud.  Dead silence, we start the service again and then *bang, bang, bang*.  Doors are flying open.  Not all but more than one.  We are talking HEAVY wooden and steal doors being BLOWN open.  *jfc, okay lets just ignore it* So we all just sang and prayed and remembered (distraction was helpful).  By the time we left the worst of it was over.  But the evidence of what went through was ever present.  Power lines down, tree limbs all over, trash cans everywhere, trees snapped in half, so much DEBRIS...it looked like a weather war zone.

When we finally got home it was to terrified animals BUT our house was okay.  Lots of debris and only a partial tree down in the yard (whew).   Apparently winds were clocked at around 60-70MPH near mi casa and over a 100MPH not far from where we were.  Are you kidding me!?!?!?

The ONLY times that happens down here is during a hurricane...at least that used to be the case but lately (like in the last 3 years) this is more common.  We don't get tornadoes...that only happens in the Midwest. . . RIGHT?!!?!?  Yea WRONG.  A while back I was awakened by our ERS going off at 4AM right as the SIRENS went off.  "Good morning, WTF!?!?"  The sky is falling chicken little...no really...seriously GTFI (Get the F**k In)...this is NOT a drill.  Maybe I need a sign that says "the end is near".  Who wants to build an Ark/Sky boat?

Near death experience...

...which may have caused a slight loss of bladder control...

On this seemingly normal morning I was driving to work.  I was really close, not running late, not stuck in traffic, singing my heart out because what else are you going to do while alone in the car.  When suddenly stupidity reared its ugly face and I had a mild (or possibly SEVERE) panic attack in my car. 

You see as I was driving down this lovely two lane stretch a rather large SUV going in the other direction started driving a bit erratically.  Not like drunk driver but like every so slightly swerving.  I noticed it and thought well that's odd.  Before I was able to really comprehend what was happening this over-sized death mobile had veered completely over into my lane.  CRAP!!! There is honestly no where to go but into the wilderness to my right *ahhhhhhh*.  I jerked my wheel in time to bypass a HEAD ON COLLISION meanwhile laying on my horn and attempting to maintain control of my car in the saturated grass before I ended up in a ditch.  Apparently my honking alerted the driver of their minor miscalculation and they swerved back into the correct lane.  The kicker was as they passed I could see the cell phone.  I could see the bloody cell phone held up right in front of her effing face!  Are you kidding me?!?!  You could have killed me because you are messing with your cell phone.  Put it down!!!  This all happened in a matter of seconds but it was like slow motion to me.  What if she was just a little closer...I would have had zero time to react.  I barely had time to swerve as it was.  The speed limit on that stretch is 55...which means that would have hurt....A LOT. 

When I pulled into work my heart was still racing, my head pounding and I was pale...I was scared to get up because I didn't know if my legs would work properly but I knew I had to get out.  Plus I really had to wee at this point...I mean I didn't go in my pants (THANK GOD) but I did have to go.  My car had crap all over the side which is fine, at least it and I were in one piece and uninjured.  It really started my morning off crappy!

I know we are all guilty of picking up the phone while driving BUT I have made a conscious effort to leave it alone while driving.  I don't look at it and I don't pick it up unless I am stopped at a light or stop sign...even then its very quick.  I have Bluetooth link up in my car so I use that to dial out or pick up.  When customers call me in the car I don't say hold on while I get paper to write something down, I say "do you have my email?  please email me and I will reply as soon as I am not in my car."  My point is it can wait.  It 100% can wait.  We haven't always had phones in our vehicles...haven't always been so connected...the world will not end just because you didn't reply to that text right away. If you must reply pull the frick over and do so.  I'd like to live a bit longer and I would rather not die in a fiery crash because you just had to tell your your BFF what Bobo did or whatever.  I am sure Bobo would want you wait to tell the story rather than kill some innocent person LIKE ME and/or yourself with your bomb on wheels going 50+ MPH!!!