It was like a baby bird emerging from the nest

So traveling on public transit can be...interesting. In NOLA I don't use it much...honestly I hate that.  I'd rather bus/street car but its just not convenient.  

In other large cities its the norm....mainly because driving in a car is a f**king nightmare!!!!

So when we travel we try to immerse ourselves in public transit as long as it's safe.  So we went to the Big Apple with apparently everyone else on spring break from LA (seriously was half of LA in NYC?!?!) and of course rode on the subway. 

One evening whilst traveling home we had some entertainment.  We noticed some cops on the platform....hmmm odd. 

Then a train pulled up and everyone ran off of a car a little ways down.  Then we see a bare shoulder peak out.  I heard a woman say "I don't think that guy has a shirt on".  

Then the cops spotted him and everything went sideways. He runs out of the car covering his crotch and runs away from us.  We got a perfect view of his tiny tush. 

He's running around the platform and in and out of the subway car with two cops going "come on man just stop!"  Picture a benny hill skit.... I was waiting for the music to start!!!

So they corner him and I'm pretty sure completely out of instinct one cop says "Hands up!"

And that's when we saw it.   Homeboy had a hell of a bush.  And poking out was Mr. Winky.  Now he wasn't close but I saw enough.  It was like a baby carrot in a bed of burnt pasta. A stinky pinky...I'm not finishing that one.  A cocktail sausage...ya know what I'ma stop.  You ever seen The Hangover....you know the scene!!!! In his defense it was quite chilly.  

As soon as he said it the cop was like "Aw...man cover up cover up!". One of them pulled a shirt out of nowhere and threw it at him.  

Whilst homie was putting on said shirt Tiny Tim was on full display.  Unfortunately said shirt only covered his stomach so the naked subway surfer was porky piggin' it while the cops handcuffed him.

Mind you this all happened in a very short period of time.  All the while the train wasn't boarding because I assume they didn't want him to hop back on and escape.  

As we were boarding we heard someone say "that's like the 3rd one this month".

Note - no one got in that car....

You do not live here and no you cannot bring a friend!

It is beyond me why I attract animals but I do.  And all through this pandemic me being home has seemed to attract more...but mainly cats.  AND I DO NOT FEED THEM!

There is a gorgeous kitty I fondly call "not my cat" who seems to think she lives here.  I've had to remove her from my house multiple times.  She greets me outside daily, runs off any other living creature that steps foot on my property, and helps me when I'm in the garden. 

When she is off wandering there are other visitors; one I call Tom (like Tom & Jerry), an orange cat (I know where he lives), and a black & white cat I call Tux. 

Just in the last couple weeks I've had a long haired black & white cat (not Tux) in my backyard who was promptly run off by the orange cat. I had a long haired gray cat who thought he would make friends with my dogs....that did not go over well. Then I heard something crying at the front door at like 10:30 PM.

I went outside to find a tabby cat. He/she ran and hid under my car.  But was still crying.  So they were wanting attention but they were scared.  So what does weirdo me do?  She sits on the front porch in her PJs talking to a cat (my neighbors are going to commit me). 

Another day as I was working I saw a head pop up in my window, orange cat.  Since he was a kitten he looks inside when I have the blinds up.  But this time he was mewing LOUDLY.  WTF Cat, I'm working!  So I go outside and he runs up to me then runs to the side of my house.  

When I followed I saw him by my neighbors van, "hey how'd you get there so fast...?"  Then he ran behind a tire....

I went to the edge of my yard and he walked out from the back of my bushes....hold on...I just saw...what....

I went back inside.  About 20 min later I went get the mail and had TWO orange cats in my garden.  Ummmmmm you multiplied....  One was the one I know but the other had to be female bc he was protecting her.  She was lighter orange and TERRIFIED.  My neighbor's cat brought me his "girlfriend"

No no.  I don't care if you found her, she can't stay here!

Then the other night I got home from my friend's house and 

A cat I've NEVER seen before yelled at me from on top my hubs Truck.  He/she was in shadow but was definitely not one of the "regulars". 

I don't know what is going on but there are suddenly a lot of adult cats.  I haven't seen kittens so I am thinking it's either a catch, fix, and release thing OR some dip$hit is dumping cats in my hood.  

Spiders are such @$$holes!!!

While I am not deathly afraid of our 8 legged little friends, they can startle me...especially if they are on the larger side. 

I haven't seen many in our house.  Usually they are outside or very very tiny.  We do home defense so very few creepy crawlers actually make it inside *whew*.

I was home sick the other day.  Freaking stomach bug.  I thought I was going to DIE!  It was...it was bad.  Nothing was staying in like it was supposed to.

Moving on.  I was sitting on my windowsill in my office talking to my boss while trying not to die.  We hung up and I kinda just sat there...completely worn out.  When suddenly I see something brown about the size of a silver dollar running towards me quickly. 

I almost $hit myself...LITERALLY.  I screamed and jumped out the way, it turned and ran towards me again *screeeech* "Mother F**ker!!!!"

I found the closest thing to me (a notebook) and slammed it down.  *lift* *peek* that f**ker started running at me again! 

Apparently notebook + carpet doesn't kill mutant spiders.  So I ripped out a piece of paper and used my hand to squish.  *lift* *peek* It started moving towards me on like 3 legs.  "Oh COME ON!"

I ground that b**ch into the carpet! Success *happy dance* *stomach rolled and dropped* "uh oh". 

I don't know what kind of spider it was but based on the "aggression", I am concerned.  Usually house spiders run away from you not towards you!!! 

But I guess you never know.  I checked my desk for a web/nest but I didn't see anything. 

I am happy to leave house spiders alone...they kill other critters for me but I'd rather the venomous ones went elsewhere *shudder*. 

I swear I am normal...kind of....a little....maybe take 2

So I moved into a new house, right.  While I've met most of my neighbors and we all get along wonderfully, I have these weird moments that are just me and now I think most of them think I am a little strange.

I told you about the screaming cicada that had me locked out of my house for 20 min back in September, I think.  Well here are more instances that make me look 100% crazy.


Incident 2:

We are actually having cool weather!!!  Which means I am loving having all the windows and back door open.  Only places where I have screens...we still have bugs...its not that "cold".  Anyways, since I don't do this often, I forget people can HEAR ME inside when they are open.

It was Saturday.  I cleaned, I put out decorations, I watched SEC football!  Anyways, during the Bama vs Auburn game (which HOLY $HIT AUBURN BEAT BAMA!!!!!) I took a break to watch the game.  My smaller dog thinks that when I sit it is time for her to climb all over me.  She isn't that small.  She is still 30 lbs.  While she was climbing on me she ended up on the back of the couch.  She put her head against my neck and slooooowly slid down the front of me.

This motion squished my tatas.  While they aren't big it still hurt.  So I yelled "OMG stop steam rolling my titties!"  I immediately heard someone laughing.  But like trying not to laugh but I totally heard a bark of laughter then a muffled giggle.

"$hit, the windows are open!!!" ....ooops.

You would think I would have learned my lesson.  Anyways, later in the evening I watched LSU vs Texas A&M (GEAUX TIGERS!!!!).  I was decorating at this point.  I had an arm-full of glittery Christmas stuff when LSU scored a touchdown.  I screamed "whooooooo!!!!" and was jumping around like the crazy LSU fan I am...with my decorations...and my looney dog.

When suddenly I hear "*laughter* Sounds like your night got better!" and I saw a face in my window.  OMG! 

So I waved, said "geaux tigers!!!!"  and closed all the windows and doors (after he walked away, I'm not that rude).  Apparently he was helping his mom with yard work so he was in between the houses and could hear me....ooops.

It is confirmed!

Sorry sorry sorry to harp on this.  So I made a new friend.  My new friend was extremely tall next to me in my chucks.  So I asked her (not rudely) how tall she was.  She said "oh I'm 5'10" but I have on 3" heels".

So that puts her at 6'1" (right?!).

I was eye level with the boobies.  No kidding.  We were chatting and my eyeballs were just above the center of the tata.  And I mean they were nice tatas.  How do you not stare at tatas that are legit eye level?!?  I tried to look over her shoulder but I wasn't tall enough.  So I tried to make eye contact but I am a half pint sooooo yea the struggle is real!  She totally smacked me at one point (not hard)...

...Because I kept looking around like I wasn't listening but I was listening I just didn't know where to look!

She was awesome about it calling me her little American Girl Doll (hey now!). 

Anyways if she was 6'1" with heels on and my eyes were mid chest then it is safe to assume my conclusions from this post are highly accurate.

"Your washer might kill you"...Oh and "hey gurl, hey"

Yea I was one of those unfortunates that got that notification.  The washer...not the...nevermind.  I mean it didn't literally say that BUT if you denied the "mandatory" recall you were then liable if the washer lid flew off and killed someone...

Anyways, I did the "right" thing and scheduled a tech even though my washer wasn't doing the psycho crazy vibration thing because reasons.  BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!  The tech came out and did the recall repair and get this...GET F**KING THIS!  After the stupid "fix" my washer started showing the symptoms of the recall...WTF over?!?!

Yea that's right AFTER they "fixed" it, it started error-ing out, shaking violently, basically just being an @$$hole. So I called the help line.   I wanted to murder someone after that call.  They essentially said "oh well".

So, I sure did BLAST them on Twitter.  I went into full attack mode.  And guess what...guess f**king WHAT?!? I suddenly got all the help in the world.

Flash forward, they wanted to send ANOTHER tech out but we were moving and they said just call us when  you are all settled.  So I called as instructed.  I AGAIN felt stabby.  I was told that I broke it during the move.  I went ape$hit, got a manager, and the manager said...can  you "prove" you reported it before you moved it because there is no record of you EVER calling in before today.  Can I just thank every deity out there for f**king Twitter?!?!  So I said yes I can.  I started rattling off dates and conversations.  That b**ch had NO RESPONSE.  So they said I would get a call from customer whatever person.  FOUR days later nada.  So I went back to Twitter.  I didn't publicly blast them this time but I messaged them.

Again, twitter to the rescue.  Within 24 hours the social media manager deemed my washer a lost cause and offered me a refund.  Yes please!

Moving on, we bought another washer and it was finally delivered today *yay*.

The delivery guy was awesome.  He was super nice and professional.  And I am 100% oblivious!  At the end of the interaction:

Him: so this number here, is this yours?
Me: Yep
Him: If they contact this number you'll give us a *shy smile*...on a scale 1-5...?
Me: Five for sure!
Him great!
Me: *friendly smile*
Him: So can you receive texts at that number?
Me: *thinking its a text survey* yep!
Him: Great!  *big dopey smile* So what's this other number?
Me: Oh that's my husband
Him: Oh *smile falls* so I shouldn't text you later to ask you to dinner?
Me: *crap* Oh...um no...no that wouldn't be good
Him: Oh Ok, right...do I still get a five...?
Me: Yes, of course

JFC!  He was hitting on me and I had NO IDEA.  I mean I didn't have my rings on and I was distracted (working) but is my game that off that I am that oblivious?!?!?

Also, 3 hours later I was eating alone at a quick service place.  I smiled at at police officer...I am always smiling people!  This is not anything new!!!  He walked over to me and sat down *$hit*.  He then cockily smiles at me and says (STG) 

Officer: Do you eat here often
Me: *what?!?!?*  Ummmmm no....
Officer: *leans forward* You should
Me: *puts left hand on table* I ...no....
Officer: *sees my rings* Oh...sorry.  Just thought you should know, you are very pretty *winks* have a great night.

OMG, y'all I looked like @$$ today.  I had on yoga pants and a t-shirt...no makeup...hair in pigtails...not even REMOTELY trying!!!  All I can think is my new perfume oil has some jacked up pheromones in it that attracts EVERYONE!!!!

The hills can kiss my @$$!

Right anyway.  This city girl went to the mountains.  Well I say Mountains....apparently they were "foothills" but when you come from under sea level elevation, even a 100 ft hill is a f**king mountain. 

To get there we had to drive through nothing. Like hours where there was farm land, an occasional house, and MAYBE a gas station that looked straight out of an after school special titled "don't stop at the corner shop".  While driving in nowhere USA I saw a hand painted sign that said "Jesus is the reason...FOR LIFE!!!" nailed to a tree in the middle of a forest...nothing to be seen for MILES around until a clearing with a miniature crucifixion. 

We reached some form of civilization and saw a store (I really needed to tee tee).  Joe's One Stop Shop...gas, food, fishing license, notary, 24 hr adult toys, smoke, & vape **Restrooms Available**.  (I made up the name...I don't remember the business name and did not take a pic but I wrote down as much as I could remember as we sped by)

We kept going until I was about to lose control of my bladder.  We stopped at another location that had an OUTHOUSE!  I mean it had electricity and running water but it was out back, all alone, with a pad locked door.  When I flushed water came up from the floor.  When I went wash my hands I realized the elbow pipe was missing and soaked my feet.

When we finally got to the mountains I basically had a coronary in the car.  There is no guardrail and the shoulder is barely the width of me.  "Oh hello there drop off".  It was so steep there were signs telling you to "brake check" before you went any further, just in case.  And other signs telling larger vehicles to use lower gears.  And there were "run off" areas for run away 18-wheelers...Two narrow lanes...THAT'S IT!

I was white-knuckling it the whole 100 miles through that insanity. 

But we made it *whew*.

We were out in the middle of NO WHERE at a hotel in the "mountains".  I mean the closest Walmart was like 80 miles away.  I am pretty sure I heard dueling banjos at least once as we hiked through the wilderness.  

Oh yea and someone saw a 10 point buck less than 30 feet away, a red fox playing off the path, what I think was a small cougar or enormous house cat hanging out in the parking lot...and lots bats...seriously the amount of bats was kind of unnerving. 

Clearly I made it back alive and it was GORGEOUS but I've come to the conclusion that although I love the outdoors, I'd rather be at or near sea level... 

Or maybe space...I think I could do space