That street jumped up and attacked me!

So we went on this AMAZING out of country vacation.  But like it was a foreign country so being careful and cautious is important.  As in getting sick or injured would probably not be great. 

So what does this chick do?  On night ONE, this chick COMPLETELY sober picked a fight with the street and the street won. 

Let me set the scene.  We are high on life (and jet lag).  We are so excited to be in this beautiful exotic tropical country.  We walked to dinner in daylight but on the way home...the sun had set.  There were no street lights because light pollution, etc.  So there we are walking DOWNHILL on a two lane PITCH BLACK road. 

We had our phones out but that's all we had on us.  As we are cutting up and laughing I stepped on a jagged piece of road.  My ankle twisted and I went down HARD. 

Somehow (do not ask me how) I caught myself with my hands (and my poor phone).  I felt my right knee hit but not hard and it wasn't bleeding 

My screen looked like it was cracked to shit at the bottom of the screen but the phone was working.

Then hubs grabbed my hand to keep walking and said "you're hand is wet". 

I look with my phone and see blood steadily dripping from the heel of my palm.  

I'm ok though.  

We get back to the condo and I SCRUB my hands with antibacterial soap and hot water.  I had f**king gravel in my palm.  

I tweezer the debris out, put some 'sporin on it, and bandaid the crap out of it. 

The next day I take a peek and it's actually not that bad. 

But I do look like I have a snake bite on my palm.  Literally there are two DEEP perfect circles.  I don't know what I fell on....  My other hand has a scrape but its not bad at all.  My knees are fine.  My phone looks like shit but it still works fine and it's just the screen protector scratched up.  

So Day ONE of a eight day vacation and I busted my hand.

That was my three, right??!!?

 I am so over things.  They always happen in 3's right.....right!?  

1. My dentist redid an old silver filling.  Nothing was wrong with it...it wasn't bothering me...but it was like 20+ years old. It went fine.  But ever since it's been STUPIDLY sensitive to cold.  Like that kind of shocking pain that makes your eyes go all psycho.  But doesn't hurt otherwise.  I asked because I thought something was horribly wrong!!!  I was told its normal....it happens...and it can take MONTHS to go away. And to try sensodyne. WTAF?!?!?!?!?  So now every time I drink or eat something cold I look like I have a tick.  

2. I had a premonition a little too late.  I was on a trip.  I was driving in a city I don't normally drive in.  As I was driving there were like 7 accidents on the freaking interstate.  Someone cut me off and I slowed down alot and turned off the podcast I had on.  I felt super uneasy and I said out loud "F**king crazy people, I need to really focus, I don't want to be another wreck on the road."   Literally not 5 minutes later traffic ahead of me stopped, I stopped...a car slammed into the back of me going VERY fast. So fast that my foot slipped off the brake and my arm pulled the wheel to the left.  The impact threw me about 10 feet forward into another vehicle.  This is a nightmare of an interstate, its like 7 lanes and NO ONE was slowing down to let us get off the f**king road.  I was terrified, shaking, calling 911, ya know usual accident $hit.  I was yelled at by a cop who was like "get off the road" and I was like (super nice) "I'd love to but no one will let me and I don't want to wreck again!!!"  Somehow...by some f**king miracle, I am ok.  I was sore for about a week but each day it got better.  I had a gnarly bruise on my thigh (WTF?!?!), a bruised knee (assuming from the dash), and a super tender Abdomen and chest (seatbelt).  I have no idea how the airbag didn't deploy but it didn't and I am SO GRATEFUL because I feel like that would have messed up my face so bad!

3. I got home from my trip sore and scared.  I was just so glad to be in my safe space.  That night I got up to get some water.  I didn't turn the big lights on because I have a nightlight in the living room.  Mind you I am still VERY sore but functional.  As I am walking in the dark, I step on a huge rubber dog toy.  I stepped on it just right so that my feet tangled together and I couldn't get my balance.  I threw my cup and landed HARD on the tile floor.  I was in such shock. I just didn't move because I wasn't sure what I hurt.  So I am curled up in the fetal position...on the floor....hair over my face...in the dark when the light flips on and I hear "uhhhhh are you ok.....?"  And I said "yep...I'm just gonna lay on the floor for a bit" and I heard..."okaaaaay..." and the light went off, hahaha.   I hit both my knees (yay more bruises!!!!), twisted my left ankle, landed on my right shoulder, and clanked the $hit out of my teeth.  Somehow I managed to not smack my face on the floor, so I've got that going for me.  

Lying in the middle of a dark street contemplating life

Happy Lent....is that a thing...?  I mean it's more of a somber time.  But whatever it's Lent.  Which if you are even remotely catholic it means you eat seafood on Ash Wednesday and every Friday until Easter.  

This past Friday we were super excited to get some boiled seafood.  We were ready for our first batch of Crawfish & Fixins!!!  Since it's just the two of us we ordered it instead of boiling it ourselves.  

Hubs was running late from work so I went to go pick it up.  We were about to get some bad weather so I was trying to beat the rain.  

As per usual I ordered from this little hole in the wall seafood place a few min from my house.  I was in a really good mood.  I had gotten a lot done for work, done some miles, eaten a fairly healthy lunch, cleaned some of the house, ya know just very productive.  

After getting my yummy dinner I headed back to my car.  Mind you it was a really dark street (two lights were out) and it was cloudy so no moon.  I was be-bopping along when it happened.  I stepped on what I thought was gravel.  It was not...it was a pothole about 4 inches deep.  What happened next was in extreme slow motion. 

I stepped and felt the gravel give away into a hole.  My right foot went down.  My forward momentum pushed me forward causing it to twist inward.  I tried to recover but I just couldn't quite get my other foot to come forward.  Instincts kicked in and my arms flew forward to catch myself.  This meant my hand holding my bag of food released said bag of food like a sling shot.  Which went flying about 8 feet into the street.  I flew forward hitting the asphalt on my two hands and left knee.  To release the twist on my ankle I flipped over onto my back.

This happened in literal seconds but it felt like an eternity of falling.  I just laid there in the dark wet street, staring at the clouds, contemplating life.  My brain rebooted and I realized lying in the middle of a dark street was probably extremely dangerous and decided to get up.  

I ungracefully rolled onto my stomach and tried to stand.  My ankle gave out and the ground was rushing back at me when I suddenly stopped.  I looked up through my disheveled hair and realized there was a car about 4-5 feet from me with the driver door open and said driver was currently keeping me from re-face planting into the ground.  

He got me mostly standing and seemed very concerned about me.  Aside from extreme embarrassment, bleeding palms and a gangster limp I was fine.  Don't ask me how but my food somehow survived the shot put throw.  But can I tell you how hard it is to drive a standard with a busted knee and ankle?!?!?

Also, can you imagine being that driver?  Just minding your business when some little blonde throws her food at you and just lays in the middle of the street.  He probably thought I had a medical emergency or something...

Mind you I had to stop at the store after this.  I tried to hide my bloody palms & limp, but the cashier noticed and was like WTF....?

I had to SCRUB my hands to get the debris out.  I wanted to cry but I also wanted it out of my skin!  In less that a week I had blood dripping down my face and then my palms.  I am a hot mess!

I fell down a mountain

I swear I am coordinated....sometimes.  I can dance and not fall or trip but ANY OTHER ACTIVITY...I end up on my butt...or face. 

So I went hiking, like up a mountain.  I was being so careful!!!!  

I made it up with little incident except getting winded (altitude).  About half way down I stepped on a loose rock.  My left leg slide forward... hubs tried to catch me but he was a little too far ahead.

I had two options try to balance a risk falling off the trail and down a steep rocky slope or just sit/fall.  

I sat...the problem is my right leg had bent under me during the slide so when I sat, my shin & knee hit hard...and I was still sliding. Once I stopped I just sat there assessing.  Pain...yes!!!!!  but I was still on the trail and not tumbling down the side of a mountain, winning!!!

As I shakily stood, pain shot down my leg.

I leaned against the rock wall and carefully tested my leg.

It hurt but was easing, okay so not broken *whew*.

I carefully hobbled down the rest of the mountain.  When I got to the car I pulled up my pant leg.  I had two decent gashes and lots of scrapes.  It wasn't bleeding too bad but was already starting to bruise.  

So what does one do after they fall down a mountain and injure their leg?!?!?! They hike another mountain the next day.  

Wear a "condom", you don't want Nature Herpes!

Just kidding. Maybe. Almost.

So the sig other was leaving for a last minute work trip.  The night before I was in a mood.  I was annoyed and being petty.  I grumpily did things while he packed.  One of those things involved opening a toy for the cats.  I don't know why but I took that moment to open the damn toy.

I was using a scissors to pop a zip tie.  Again I was pissy so I may have used more force than I realized.  The scissor slipped...ACROSS MY THUMB.

Series of Events that happened in less than 5 seconds:

I yipped
I dropped everything
I grabbed my thumb
I darted to my bedroom
I hear "are you okay"
YES!

About this time the pain receptors kicked in and I fell to my knees before I got to my bathroom sink.

My medical crew arrived to investigate.  This is when I realized I was crying because two dogs and two cats were trying to lick my face and my hand.  They were very concerned.

I feared looking at my hand based on the pulse I could feel in my injured thumb.

I shakily stood and took a peek.  The second I removed the pressure blood just poured out.  f**k f**k f**k!!!

I ran it under cold water and bent over to breathe and call for help.  "okay I am NOT okaY".

In his most caring voice, said "you need to put peroxide on it, water wont help"... "Oh f**k you very much" AHHHHHH.  So yea, I guess I deserved the attitude after my pissy mood all night but I almost sliced off my thumb can I get a little sympathy?!?!?

I probably needed stitches, it would not stop bleeding!!!!  I could see where the scissor went DEEP under the skin and down part of my nail.  But it was midnight and Health Insurance co-pays for ER Visits suck so I cleaned the $hit out of it, put Neosporin on it, and wrapped it 

That Mo**er F**ker THROBBED ALL NIGHT.  I couldn't sleep.  Every time I moved I hit it and woke up.  I had to bandage it for 3 days....it would start bleeding otherwise every time I touched it.

So why Nature Herpes you ask?  Well because right after, I did a run run in the woods woods.  My luck I would fall and get some weird bacteria...I didn't want to get nature herpes so I wore a finger condom.  They exist...and go on JUST LIKE A CONDOM.  Just roll it on and make everyone giggle....

I have questions...mainly how does one wipe...?!?

I am all about "to each his own".  I really don't care what you wear, your style, your taste, etc.  I think its great when people have their own style.  But sometimes I have practicality questions...this is one of those times.

Don't get me wrong these look really cool but....

HOW....?!?!?

My lady parts just screamed in fear.  I really think I would severely injure my hoohah even with a wad of TP.

Now these aren't so bad but I feel like the jewels would catch on EVERYTHING....

I mean what if you want to...have a little fun alone...even with a toy, there is still the risk of vag stab. Gives new meaning to mid-cycle bleeding....  "Ooops, looks like I have a piercing now". 

Oh come on!  Do you have a hand maiden doing your hair?!?!!?  How do you TYPE?!?!  I am so confused....

Again...do these people not touch their hair?!?!  My hand would be stuck and I'd have to chop off 5".

*evil witch cackle* Come closer my pretty, so I can stab your eyes out *ahhhhahahahahaa* Wait didn't the chick in X-men have nails that grew like this?!?!?!

Sorry!  I mean go 'head gurl, if this is your thing.  I just think I would injure myself and/or not be able to perform daily functions...like peeing (wiping) without assistance!  I am clumsy enough without sharp objects attached to my fingers. I'd probably poke my own eye out.

Police Officer:  how'd she die?
Husband: She fell on her fancy nails
Police Officer: *sigh* that is the 5th one this month!

And then John Cusack walked out from behind the bushes holding a boombox over his head

Totally plausible...right?!?  But how else can I say the Universe wants me to be part of a cheesy romantic comedy!  Hey Universe, guess what...I'm HAPPILY married!  I don't need to meet anyone...I'm good *plfeet*.

Let me set a scene, little blonde looking like she should probably try harder decides to take her unruly pups to the park.  Normally this is not something I do alone but it was a necessity today so off I went with my 61 lb speedy and 30 lb humpty dumpty.  To say it was interesting is an understatement.

Mind you I was in hot pink running capris and a teal shirt with lazy girl bun...

- they immediately barked and made a 4 y/o cry (they wanted to play but can be scary...LOUD)
- they tried to make friends with the lady in the car next to us
- they spotted items of interest that happened to be in different directions
          - My shoulders have felt better....
- Things that were said: "No", "Stop", "OMG don't eat that", "slow down", "I SAID SLOW DOWN"

Then one went through my legs and around.  The other went around my legs and through...both took off running in different directions "No no no nooooo......" *ahhhhhhh!*.

My legs were immediately cinched together.  Speedy took a tumble because he was tangled too while humpty dumpty ran in circles.  I was in a slow motion fall to the ground *tiiiiiberrrrrrrr* thinking "Aw f**k me, this is going to hurt."  When suddenly I am being caught by a solid brick wall.  "Wait, I'm in the middle of a park...". 

Turns out the "brick wall" was a RIDICULOUSLY muscular...attractive...30 something who was jogging on the path when he saw my dilemma and came to my rescue.  Speedy decided "Must murder new person touching mom" and started freaking out.  But he was tangled so all he managed to do was restrain both of us further and make my hero laugh, *great*.

After getting me into a semi-sitting position we somehow got me and my idiot canines detangled.  I said thank you like a million times and we went our separate ways. 

As I was hurriedly walking away dumb and dumber saw a something and took off (at least in the same direction) 

...the leashes locked and I leaned all the way back to stopped their forward progress...my 120 with a lean back and legs planted vs their 60 + 30 running at full speed ended with me flying forward

and yelling "Stop trying to eat a squirrel, you @$$holes!" 

Which got me a giggle from somewhere behind me.  I didn't turn around...

I was only out there for 30 minutes....guess who is getting leash trained soon....

Someone roll me in bubble wrap and lock me indoors!

I'm an adult... An adult who is coordinated...85% of the time.  But that 15% of the time I am not coordinated...I end up in a world of pain. 

So I was doing that running thing, right?  I do that a lot.  Or at least enough that I know running in Louisiana can be hazardous.  But most races do this thing where they mark the $hit out of the roads to show where there are potholes or raised pieces of pavement.  Not all do it but you understand the risks because they say it like 20 times before you start. 

Recently I was doing a longer race, not a half but not a 5K.  2 miles in and I ate asphalt.  You don't understand, it wasn't like a simple trip.  This was....

A toe catching on a piece of raised asphalt
Spaztically falling forward while swinging arms trying to balance
Thinking you are okay as you seem to catch yourself
Crying internally when you feel your foot turn sideways and you pitch forward, completely off balance

What made it worse...I was RUNNING.  I wasn't walking or slowly jogging.  We were full out running because...I don't know why.  So when my toe caught there was quite a bit of momentum to balance out.

As I went crashing down I put my hands out.  The problem is the force at which I was falling was too great for my arms to keep my face from slamming into the ground.  So in that split second of realization I turned on my shoulder.  I slid 3 feet on my f**king shoulder! 

Before I registered what happened I had hands all over me picking me.  Seriously, runners are the BEST.  So many people stopped to pick me up.  Literally zero effort went into me standing because I was lifted off the ground.  After I said "I'm okay, I'm okay" and smiled they took off and we moved over to the side to limp it out.  As I was assessing myself and not really feeling any immediate serious pain I looked at my friend who kept asking if I was okay and I said "no really, I'm fine".  Then I looked down at my hand.  I have blood dripping from my fingers.  Not just a minor scrap, it was pouring out of a spot where my thumb meets the palm.  "Ummm crap, okay maybe not okay."  She ran ahead to get help while I wandered slowly still trying to see why nothing hurt that bad.   That's about when I realized my knee had a pulse...hmmm that's odd.  I looked down but I had long black pants on so I didn't see anything.  We get some basic supplies to clean me up. 

That poor cop.  As I am walking up to them I hear "my friend fell, do you have a first aid kit...or at least a bandaid?"  He looks in my direction but doesn't really see me and says "yes, sure, where is she?"  And I looked right at him and opened my hand still gushing blood.  He turned white.  Which was impressive because he was pretty tan.  He ran to his car and handed us some supplies and bolted.  He made sure I was okay but wouldn't look directly at my injuries...I guess blood weirded him out. 

Anyways, I clean up as best I can with wipes and a bandaid.  Once I hand my hand wrapped in a wipe to staunch the blood flow I bent over and pulled up my pant leg.  My knee started oozing blood....crap crap crap!  I guess the tight pants were keeping the blood from flowing.  So I quickly pulled them back down and hoped for the best.  My shoulder while sore was the best looking part of me.  It was scrapped but not horrifically...how the F**K?!?!  I slid 3 feet on asphalt...on my shoulder...I'm confused.

Anyways, we kept going because I really was feeling okay and figured there would be medical at one of the water stations, boy was I f**king wrong about that.  No medics till the end...doh! Whatever I finished the race with a punctured hand, bruised & bloody knee, and road rash shoulder.  I felt like I looked like an extra from the walking dead.  Those finisher pics should be AMAZING!

The medic at the end was all what happened...well sir I tried to fight the road and the road won.  He SCRUBBED my knee to get pieces of asphalt out (mother f**ker!!!!) and he dug around in my hand to make sure there weren't any rocks stuck in it (son of a b**ch!!!!).  Oh I know I said I had pants on but there were all these tiny holes in them I didn't notice in my original assessment meaning pieces of the ground went through and INTO MY KNEE!  He put some special ointment on my knee and a HUGE bandage.  He said to not get it wet and keep it on for a few hours....great!

An hour later I was in my shower finding every other scrape on my body and cringing in pain.  I also had my leg propped up to keep my knee from getting wet...I was a mess.  After a few hours everything stiffened up.  Breathing hurt....I barely slept that night because my entire body ached and no position was comfy....

Its been about a week.  My hand is mostly healed and my shoulder looks like nothing happened.  My knee looks like it went a few rounds with a meat grinder and is a lovely shade of purple/green/yellow.  Its still sore but I'll live. 

Moral of the story: Watch where you are going, Louisiana streets jump up and bite ya if you aren't careful. 

I think I bruised my uterus

Is that even possible?  And no I am not talking about rough sex, get your mind out the gutter. 

So I am clumsy, that is evident...but I am also coordinated enough to dance pretty good, run without falling, and climb trees.  I think I am really two different people smashed into one body.  Wait...

Anyways, so yesterday was like any other day at the office.  We completed a huge project where we organized a ton of stuff for a large client.  No really, HUGE project...it took us over a week to complete.  Anyways, the stuff was in two decent sized boxes each weighing about 20-25 lbs which I was to deliver today.  So yesterday afternoon myself and another lady hauled the two boxes down the stairs and to my car.  We did it because the big burly men in our office were conveniently MIA. 

Moving on, I was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and black pumps...my friend was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and gray pumps (trust me this is important...mostly).  As we were headed to the stairs she stumbled into a wall but caught herself *whew*, so she took off her shoes (if there was EVER a f**king red flag waving this was it).  I did not remove my shoes and headed VERY CAREFULLY down the stairs.  I made it to the bottom without issue *woo hoo*.  What happened next can only be described  as...comical...painful but comical.  

- I opened the door by leaning on it and held it open for my friend
- She stepped out, I let the door close
- We both stepped forward towards the curb
- My right heel went in between two sections of concrete (I didn't realize this)
- My left foot was planted and I went to step with my right
- It didn't move...
- I pitched forward
- But there was no foot to put down

- My weight was on my left foot so I couldn't step forward to catch myself
- Add in an extra 20+ lbs...I didn't stand a chance "ha"
- The heel snapped
- I flew forward at an incredible speed
- The box hit the ground
- I hit the box full on with my torso
- The box EXPLODED under my weight and the momentum
- My hands eventually hit the concrete (ow)
- My face went INTO the box (Ow!)
- My legs went up and almost over my head (OW! guess I'm a little flexible)
- They slammed back down, driving both my knees into the concrete curb (have I mentioned OW!!!!)
- I rolled off the box onto my butt and started laughing hysterically wondering WTF just happened.

My friend was so shocked she couldn't talk.  It happened so fast!  Finally she said "Oh my god! Are you...are you okay?!?!" My response...

 

Truthfully I felt ZERO pain at that point (yay for adrenaline). 

**FLASH FORWARD 3 HOURS**

I am laying on my couch with a heating pad.  I took 2 Advil and am watching horror movies on Netflix.  My knees and wrists are mostly fine.  But now that the adrenaline is gone I can feel the strained muscle in my shoulder blade area, my jaw is tender (I think I clanked my teeth together), my abs feel like I went through 5 rounds with Ali, and I am 99% certain I have at least two slightly bruised ribs.

I can say without a doubt the box saved me.  Had I fallen without the box my wrists and knees would have bared the brunt of the fall, possibly resulting in broken bones and I may not have been able to stop my face from slamming into the concrete.  So I am fine...I lost my favorite pair of black pumps but I am still mostly intact. 

Side Note - I am supposed to run a half on Saturday...a Half...like 13.1 miles.  I got this...I think...ha....

I feel like mine may have started with, "Hey, hold my beer".

So I saw this on Imgur or Tumblr or Pinterest or...I don't recall which one, I just saved it.  Anyways, I saw it and just keep laughing.

Yes I saw the comments above and yes they are funny...DUCK!

First let me say, I noticed in the comments on the site I was on that some people don't know what a Birth Mark is.  A birth mark is something you are BORN with.  Meaning, it doesn't pop up later in life...those are usually called Moles, Sunspots, Age spots, or Scars.  Birth Mark = a MARK on your baby body that was there when you popped out your momma or shows up shortly after. 

Why is this funny...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...I may or may not have a Birth Mark on my lower butt cheek/upper leg.  Meaning, if this is true then I died from a wound in the @$$.  Maybe I was shot...maybe stabbed...or MAYBE I said "hold my beer" and some "here's your sign" type injury occurred.  Add that to I was probably just as clumsy and well....

I don't know if you've ever jumped into a murky river or lake but those f**kers usually have sticks/logs/etc and they HURT!  Maybe that is why I have a slight "fear" of murky water.  My dumb@$$ former self jumped @$$ first into a river and was impaled.  And then eaten by a gator (heheheheHA).

I also happen to have a perfect dark circle on the back of my shoulder (born with it).  While that doesn't seem life threatening, I guess if it happened a long time ago dying of infection was probably an issue.  Not as "fun" as the other one.  Weeeellll maybe if we think of it as a heroic act saving someone.  Who am I kidding I probably fell while running with scissors...how it impaled me from the back is...I am just THAT talented.  I will say though, that one gets A LOT of attention.  For some reason when people see it they have this uncontrollable urge to poke it..."Um 'scuse you". 

No really, I've had complete strangers touch it.  WTF?!?  Its not gnarly or anything, just a flat mark.  So back in the day, people called it my "button"...don't push my BUTTON(s)! 

People do NOT poke the other one, well my husband does, but he is allowed.  If a stranger "poked" that one, we would have a problem.  I usually use it as a gauge.  If I bend over and you can see my mark...shorts are too short...or I just shouldn't bend over...

Conclusion:  I either died very heroically or I spazzed out or I was shot in the @$$...the possibilities are endless.

This is how it happens. This is how Skynet takes over!

I need a degree in Computer Engineering to use a treadmill....and no I am not an anti-tech person.  But I haven't had a Gym membership in over a year.  I just signed up again and I don't understand how to use the new equipment.  Its WAY more techy than the $hit I am used to. 

It can't be that hard...right?!?  Wrong!  I feel like a super goob trying to use the f**king treadmill!  Its a TREADMILL for doGs sake!!!  So we have a touchscreen thingy to control it but we also have buttons by the handles.  There is a TV on it above the touch screen that you can control...with a remote...or maybe with the touch screen.  There are 5 wires sticking out of it that kind of remind me of the charging wires for my phone so I am thinking you can connect it.  But it also says Bluetooth.  Whatever shall I do!?!?!? In order to get a "lesson" from a trainer I have to schedule an appointment BEFORE 5PM...I get off at 4:30...FML!!!

I just want to run on a f**king treadmill and track my calories/miles/speed.  While listening to music via Pandora via the "FREE" WiFi.  Is that too much to f**king ask for?!?!?  And by Free WiFi I mean WiFi that works.  Not WiFi that kind of works, then cuts out, then cuts back...then disappears, then comes back again.  There were literally 5 people in the ENTIRE GYM including me and the employees.  Why was it being such an @$$hole?!?!?

Side note - my resting temp on average is 97.2 degrees.  When I am in A/C (like in a gym) my hands feel like bony icicles of death, even when I am working out!  It is like all the blood drains from my extremities or something.  This means that touch screens are NOT my friends!!! STG I have to put my hands in my armpits to warm them up enough for the f**king touch screen to realize I am in fact alive.  Which looks like I am doing some weird running impression of Mary Katherine Gallagher ...and no I do not smell them after. 

Moving on.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to program a workout.  I didn't connect my phone because I wasn't sure.  I pressed start...it went immediately to 7mph.  I am 5'1"...my little legs don't really go that fast!

Then it told me I had done 1 minute (only a minute?!?!? that felt like a f**king eternity!) and had 2,497 minutes left in my workout...

That would be running for 41.6 HOURS.  Do I look like Forest Gump!?!?!  I think I did something wrong...whatever I did 45 minutes and pressed the cool down BUTTON.  I tried to find a "how to use a lifefitness treadmill" tutorial online but I got nothing.  So I will go back to the gym tonight and attempt to figure this f**ker out again. 

Maybe I should stick to the classes...