Wear a "condom", you don't want Nature Herpes!

Just kidding. Maybe. Almost.

So the sig other was leaving for a last minute work trip.  The night before I was in a mood.  I was annoyed and being petty.  I grumpily did things while he packed.  One of those things involved opening a toy for the cats.  I don't know why but I took that moment to open the damn toy.

I was using a scissors to pop a zip tie.  Again I was pissy so I may have used more force than I realized.  The scissor slipped...ACROSS MY THUMB.

Series of Events that happened in less than 5 seconds:

I yipped
I dropped everything
I grabbed my thumb
I darted to my bedroom
I hear "are you okay"
YES!

About this time the pain receptors kicked in and I fell to my knees before I got to my bathroom sink.

My medical crew arrived to investigate.  This is when I realized I was crying because two dogs and two cats were trying to lick my face and my hand.  They were very concerned.

I feared looking at my hand based on the pulse I could feel in my injured thumb.

I shakily stood and took a peek.  The second I removed the pressure blood just poured out.  f**k f**k f**k!!!

I ran it under cold water and bent over to breathe and call for help.  "okay I am NOT okaY".

In his most caring voice, said "you need to put peroxide on it, water wont help"... "Oh f**k you very much" AHHHHHH.  So yea, I guess I deserved the attitude after my pissy mood all night but I almost sliced off my thumb can I get a little sympathy?!?!?

I probably needed stitches, it would not stop bleeding!!!!  I could see where the scissor went DEEP under the skin and down part of my nail.  But it was midnight and Health Insurance co-pays for ER Visits suck so I cleaned the $hit out of it, put Neosporin on it, and wrapped it 

That Mo**er F**ker THROBBED ALL NIGHT.  I couldn't sleep.  Every time I moved I hit it and woke up.  I had to bandage it for 3 days....it would start bleeding otherwise every time I touched it.

So why Nature Herpes you ask?  Well because right after, I did a run run in the woods woods.  My luck I would fall and get some weird bacteria...I didn't want to get nature herpes so I wore a finger condom.  They exist...and go on JUST LIKE A CONDOM.  Just roll it on and make everyone giggle....

I got nature in my eye!

So I am not a girly girly girl.  I like dressing up and being pretty sometimes but I also like playing in the garden, camping, and dancing in the rain.  Which is why when I am told there are TRAIL RUNS, I am usually one of the 1st to sign up.  I love them.  I love running but trail runs are so fun!!!  Its not your typical run.  You aren't on asphalt.  You are in the woods, by a stream, enjoying nature.  Until nature turns on you and you wonder what on EARTH you were thinking!!!

So getting back from vacay where you are eating horribly and NOT exercising and then doing a race is probably not the best idea.  Make that race a trail run and I feel like you are just asking for trouble.  That is what I did.  But I was ready to get back into the swing of running.  At the @$$ crack of dawn we headed out.  We'd been checking the weather.  Two days before 20% chance of rain, day before 30% chance of rain, night before 45% chance of rain (hmmmm), day of 60% chance of rain (ummmm), arriving at the race 90% chance of rain (well f**k).

Hmmm that looks ominous...but we live in the South...that's a summer shower...it'll blow over...

 

  So we continued on...then this happened

I'm pretty sure we just drove through a water spout...HALP!  Shut-up! It'll blow over!!!!

We get to the race and pre-race selfie...

Ooooo f**k you, what is BEHIND us?!?!!?  It's moving south....*whew*...that is moving AWAY from us.  It'll be fine...we'll be fine...its FINE!  But just in case we left our phones and earbuds in the car...ya know to be safe.

So we get to the start line and the guy on the PA is like "I know we are supposed to start at 8 but since people were delayed because of weather we are delaying the start time slightly but not too much"...K. 

8:09: "The lightening you are seeing is moving away from us, no need for concern, we will start soon.  The trail is clear, a little muddy, only a few spots maybe ankle deep water"...ummmm kaaaay, I mean I am a little concerned...its wet and I am about to be in the woods!

8:15ish: "Ummmm, weather reports show some storms over the lake and NOLA East.  They are, uh, moving in a South Easterly direction....so, uh, yea basically they are moving right towards us *nervous laugh*.  We will start shortly".  WTF?!?!?

8:19: *star spangled banner* starts playing. It ends.  The thunder crashes so loud my teeth clanked, the sky opens up in a deluge and we hear a *horn*.  Seriously?!?!?!  We are starting now?!?!?! 

So we went.  All 200 or so of us took off running INTO the woods.  I don't mind running in the rain, keeps ya cool.  Well me and my bestie are a giggling mess running and dodging branches when we hear *screaming* up ahead.  Ummmm, no bueno...what is happening.  We come around a bend and there is literally a STREAM flowing across the trail.  Ankle deep my @$$ that is over that girls shins!!!!  Can't go over it...can't go around it...gotta go through it...and "holy f**king $hit that is cold!!!".  Once that was done we were like "oh, mud is fine, this is fine, we are fine.  A little rain wont kill us" *thunder crash* "$hit".  We go a little further and the ENTIRE TRAIL is knee deep water.  Hmmmm I mean it must just be this section...right?!?  .5 mile in and people are turning around.  What should we do?!? "We aren't p***y's, we got this!" 1 mile in, STILL IN KNEE DEEP WATER.  WTF were we thinking?!?!?!  This is a 5k!!!  Holy mother of f**k, I'm gonna die.  We are in SOUTH LOUISIANA...what if there is a gator or a snake or just a raging f**king creek...*lightening streaks overhead*.  OMG hold my hand, I might wash away!!!  Oh yea and its STILL RAINING.

So yea, 3.1 miles of wading through water...in the rain...in the lightening...IN THE WOODS.  There was maybe .1 miles of just mud.  The rest was just below knee deep to OMG I think that touched my vag, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 

That was not a trail run...that was a trail swim.  I had mud, twigs, NATURE in the most unusual places.  We were soaked to the bone.  We were cold.  It took us 1:20 to finish a 5k!!!!!!! I usually do a 5k in 35 min or less. 

Should we have run it...probably not.  But hey now we have a funny story to tell, ha...ha...ha *sigh*.