Pterodactyl Screech

Look I am not generally scared of things but sometimes nature has other plans and it makes my neighbors question my sanity.  

It's been a couple years since I've really gardened and I decided this year, it's happening!

I'm used to creatures.  I'm used to bugs.  I'm used to pollen. 

At a distance!

When I am pulling weeds for a while I tend to sit down instead of kneeling.  I also usually wear pants and long sleeves. This is important. 

As I was tirelessly clearing the garden I saw movement out the corner of my eye.  I looked down and froze in horror.  I had MULTIPLE garden beetles crawling on my arms and legs.  I tried swiping and shaking my arm but they wouldn't budge.  They were crawling higher. 

Queue panic!!! I started frantically trying to get them off, saying "No no no, get off get off get off!!!".  One made it to by bicep and I freaked out jumping up and shaking all my limbs saying "get off get off get off!!!!"

I finally started flicking at them, manically laughing, as they came free.  After I was certain all were off of me I heard "Hey dere girl, you good?"  

My neighbor and his nephew...SAW THE WHOLE THING.

One of these days one of my neighbors is going to film my antics. 

I just wanted to relax!!!!

So I've been having a rough go of it with work.  I haven't been working from home as much as I should be because people are dumb and don't understand we DO NOT need to drive over an hour to an office to get $hit done.  Anyways, that will be changing soon.  The worst part is the TRAFFIC.  One f**k up on the interstate and your day is shot.  Not unlike today where it took me 2.5 hours to go 48 miles.  And I took a detour.  I feel bad for those poor souls still stuck on the shut down I10.  

Anyways when I got home I wanted to work out but I felt bad for the pups so I opted to take them for walkies.  I was listening to a Podcast (Undisclosed - Adnan Syed) trying to decompress from the day.  We were literally 15 feet from the front door when I heard a yell.  I turned around just in time to see a retriever looking thing running right for us.  He had escaped his owner who had another leashed dog and was yelling "NO!!!!".   

Now, I am not scared of dogs and he looked adorably friendly with his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth but he was loose and mine were leashed.  I yeeeeeped and tried to pull them away but free boy kept coming.  So I am basically on the ground leaning to pull them with all my might but to no avail.  Everything seemed okay and there was tail wagging and sniffing so I was saying good boy, good boy.  I wasn't really worried about the little one she just wants to play but Speedy can be protective.  Then free boy got a little too personal with little one and there was growling so I said help, help (like he wasn't already trying) and pulled mine back but he kept coming. Mind you the owner is trying but failing to restrain free boy because he still has another pup who is barking because it wants to join in the fun. 

Then the little one some how Houdini-Ed her way out of her harness.  Seriously I have NO F**KING CLUE how but she takes off with free boy hot on her tail.  They are now  chasing each other around the middle of the street barking, as I say "crap crap crap she's free!" ...apparently stating the obvious is my MO today... Mind you we both still have other dogs who are leashed and barking because they are not part of this insanity.   I got ahold of itty bitty and he caught free boy by the tail.  I was trying to walk away but she was like NO MY NEW FRIEND!!!!

Finally his wife/girlfriend/sister comes running up, out of breath with a harness.  I dragged mine back inside as they were apologizing behind me.  After I got them settled I realized I was TOTALLY rude, so I walked back out.  I really wasn't angry with them just worried about reactions.  They apologized profusely and I said its okay...seriously it was fine.  You just never know how a leashed dog will react to one that isn't... *whew* it all worked out and we finally went for walkies 😳😂🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

In Other News - On our walk, some jack@$$ leaned over and hissed at my dogs like a f**king psychopath.  Then yelled at me because Speedy went from ears up, tail wagging and whining to ears back, tail down, fur up, and growling.  Ummmm you started it you rancid cumshot!

I swear I wasn't watching ... that!

So a recent lovely Sunday I was being a lazy $hit doing nothing.  I was hanging out doing one of my fav things to do in October.....WATCH HORROR MOVIES!!!!

Since my house is decorated as a mini house of horrors its only fitting, right?!  Well during my "me" time someone rang my doorbell.  "Hmmmm, who could that be...?"  I decided to ignore it, I'm busy.  They rang it again... "Ugh fine!"  

I opened the door to the most adorable little boy.  He was in his cub scouts uniform, he had glasses, and he was so freaking nervous.  As soon as I walked out he started reading from a sheet of paper, "hello, my name is _____.  I am with troop ____.  I am selling popcorn.  Would you help my troop, please?" *looks up with the most adorable grin ever*  

Me *thinking* fuuuuuck how can I say no to that?!?!?! *said* of course sugar!

I go inside to get my money and come back.  I left the door partially open because I had the psycho barkers penned up (I had an extra for the day so there were 3).  They were losing their $HIT barking the whole time.  As I am filling out the form, the pups got silent.  And all you could hear what I was watching....

*moaning*
*screams*

Me: I'm watching a scary movie.

*skin slapping*, *more moaning*

*blood curdling scream*

*knocking* "No stop, let me out, let me out!!!!" 

Me: *ah hem* Here's my money *nervous grin*

Kid: Thanks miss!!! I'll deliver it when we get it.
Dad: *suspicious stare* Um thanks...have a...good day...?

Me: Bye!!! *sounds of a murder* Have a great day! *waving*

I feel like dad thinks I was watching a porno...I was not but sometimes there is a fine line between porn and horror.

I swear I am normal...kind of....a little....maybe take 2

So I moved into a new house, right.  While I've met most of my neighbors and we all get along wonderfully, I have these weird moments that are just me and now I think most of them think I am a little strange.

I told you about the screaming cicada that had me locked out of my house for 20 min back in September, I think.  Well here are more instances that make me look 100% crazy.


Incident 2:

We are actually having cool weather!!!  Which means I am loving having all the windows and back door open.  Only places where I have screens...we still have bugs...its not that "cold".  Anyways, since I don't do this often, I forget people can HEAR ME inside when they are open.

It was Saturday.  I cleaned, I put out decorations, I watched SEC football!  Anyways, during the Bama vs Auburn game (which HOLY $HIT AUBURN BEAT BAMA!!!!!) I took a break to watch the game.  My smaller dog thinks that when I sit it is time for her to climb all over me.  She isn't that small.  She is still 30 lbs.  While she was climbing on me she ended up on the back of the couch.  She put her head against my neck and slooooowly slid down the front of me.

This motion squished my tatas.  While they aren't big it still hurt.  So I yelled "OMG stop steam rolling my titties!"  I immediately heard someone laughing.  But like trying not to laugh but I totally heard a bark of laughter then a muffled giggle.

"$hit, the windows are open!!!" ....ooops.

You would think I would have learned my lesson.  Anyways, later in the evening I watched LSU vs Texas A&M (GEAUX TIGERS!!!!).  I was decorating at this point.  I had an arm-full of glittery Christmas stuff when LSU scored a touchdown.  I screamed "whooooooo!!!!" and was jumping around like the crazy LSU fan I am...with my decorations...and my looney dog.

When suddenly I hear "*laughter* Sounds like your night got better!" and I saw a face in my window.  OMG! 

So I waved, said "geaux tigers!!!!"  and closed all the windows and doors (after he walked away, I'm not that rude).  Apparently he was helping his mom with yard work so he was in between the houses and could hear me....ooops.

I swear I am normal...kind of....a little....maybe take 1

So I moved into a new house, right.  While I've met most of my neighbors and we all get along wonderfully, I have these weird moments that are just me and now I think most of them think I am a little strange.

I told you about the screaming cicada that had me locked out of my house for 20 min back in September, I think.  Well here are more instances that make me look 100% crazy.


Incident 1:

I have dogs.  My dogs are INSANE.  They aren't mean just barking nuts.  Well I know people have heard me talking to them in the yard but that isn't that...odd.  Anyways a couple weeks ago we had a CRAZY windstorm overnight.  It was over a weekend so I slept in the next day.  On a seemingly normal Sunday morning I let the pups out to tee tee while I got their breakfast together.  After I few minutes I noticed I hadn't seen them darting around the yard *odd*.  So I moved the dishes.  Usually little bit comes a running.  When they didn't come I went check, figuring they were into something they weren't supposed to.

I walked onto the patio and my heart dropped.  Our side gate had blown open and the dogs were no where to be found.  Being the crazy fur momma I am I went flying out of the gate yelling their names.  I made it to the front yard and spotted them across the street sniffing.  I was freaking out because a car was coming and I didn't want them to run to me, in front of the car.  So there I am...in the street...with my hands in the air to stop the car.  The couple just looked at me like I was insane but they stopped.  I called the dogs and they came running to me *thank god*.  I waved thanks to the car who was still staring at me like I was nuts and let the pups in the front door.  I didn't yell because they were good, they came when called.  I walked to the back to go close the gate and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  "Oh God!  No wonder they were looking at me like I was mental."  

I was still in my PJs.  Which consisted of oversized plaid flannel pants that said "Class of '__", a red pullover hoodie that is at least 2 sizes too big, some EPIC bed head, and...furry black cat slippers.  I swear I am normal!!!!!!!!!!  I probably looked like I escaped an asylum running out into the street...looking like that, yelling weird words while waving my arms.

It's the small achievements that mean the most......and are possibly the most entertaining....

Right, so I am pint sized for the most part.  I work out but I am by no means muscular just fit...ish.  Anyways living in the South means that whole "6 more weeks of winter" predicted by Phil is laughable.  Especially since it is currently 78 degrees most afternoons around here.  What that also means is our yards/gardens are hella confused.  "is it spring???" I should blossom and grow, then BAM "cold" front and everything dies.

Well our yard is looking a bit rough.  The grass isn't really growing but those weeds that pop up before spring are growing like...well weeds.  Hubs has been insanely busy so I decided when I got home the other day to Woman up and cut the f**king yard.  I've done it before but now our lawnmower is almost TWELVE years old...its been through a flood, it is a b**ch to start, and no longer has self propel.  Basically it's the grumpy old man of lawn machines.

To top that off it has also been sitting without being used since early November.  In essence it has lawnmower arthritis.  So I get ready to go do this deed, old tennis shoes - check, ear buds - check, phone in armband - check, goggles - check....alright its go time!

I pull out Mr. Grumpy, top off the tank, and prime the line.  Then I try to start it...  I almost pulled my shoulder out of socket, WTF?!?! 

The pull cord is barely moving therefore no spin therefore no start.  So I try to wake it up by gently pushing and pulling.  As I am doing this I am talking...not loud but still speaking out loud. 

Come on...
You got this baby...
Come on....move dammit!
Do I need some lube or something...?!?

When I think its nice and "warmed up", I pull with all my might *clank clank* "Dammit mother f......*grumble grumble*" calm down child *whoosa*. 

So I try again...and again....and AGAIN.  At this point I am not quite yelling but speaking very sternly at the lawnmower...mostly nonsense but "Come on you geriatric piece of $hit" was said at least twice.

I've realized I do not have enough upper body strength to start this thing.  So I use my smarts...I think.  I am on concrete.  I run forward with the mower to get momentum then yank back on the cord as hard as I can.

*vrooom * *sputter sputter* "Son of a whore!"   But that is more than I got before so this method is CLEARLY working better.  Sooooo I keep doing this running start, pull...thing:

*vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* *clank clank* "listen here f**k-o"
*vrm* *thunk* "ahhhhhhh no no no no"
*vrooooooooooom* *sputter sputter* "yes...yes...." 

*clank clank* "Doh! Why wont you start for me?!?!?!

*Vroooooom* *rat tat tat* "Yea buddy!" *clank* "God Dammit you mother f**king rat b**ch....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"

Last time or I go inside.....
*Vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooom* before it can die I do it again rapid fire like 5 times...more out of frustration than logic.

It starts up "ahhhhahahhahhaa"  

*dancing around while holding the bar to keep it started* 

 "Oh yea that's right.  Whose my b**ch now? Yea!"

 *more crazy dancing*

About this time is when I realized not one but two of my neighbors are in their backyards on this gorgeous afternoon.  And one was in the yard with a 2 y/o...*crap*.  And while they cannot see me...I am 1000% certain they heard almost everything. 

Eh, f**k it...I started the lawn mower... 

I've heard of The Giving Tree but not The Cursing Tree.....?

Its Spring...Summer...almost summer....feels like f**king Summer, anyways its the time of year where I go outside and play in my yard.  Since I am adult this does not consist of me playing Cops & Robbers or riding my bike to the corner.  It means I do gardening...like everyday. 

Yesterday after the torrential downpour (yay humidity) I went outside to murder the overgrown shrubberies in the garden. 

SIDE NOTE - Y'all don't understand.  These things are out of control.  They started off as these cute little shrubs that I kept small.  Then we flooded and weren't there for 6+ months and they became MONSTERS!!!!  We've tried cutting them back but they just keep getting bigger.  Send Help!!!!

I used my handy dandy step ladder because I am a mini person to hack away as much shrubbery as possible.  There is this one...its a holly tree thing that is supposed to be round but occasionally these giant shoots come out of the top.  One is so tall and thick (that's what she said *hahaha*) that I would need a regular ladder & saw to, uh, nip the tip.  Since I am lazy and didn't want to go get the ladder I decided to relive my childhood. 

I sure did Monkey my way up a crape myrtle with a hand saw and garden shears. Because you know climbing a tree is TOTALLY safe...add sharp objects...what could go wrong?  Well since its Spring/Summer everything is in full bloom and bushy.  Meaning once I was up in the tree I was a f**king ninja.  It also meant that as I not so subtly talked *grumbled* to myself people didn't know where the voice was coming from. 

In all fairness I really did do good.  I was wedged in the tree but safely and had the perfect angle to slice & dice.   What I forgot was I was slicing and dicing a f**king Holly Tree.  Do you know what that is?

It is essentially a prickly...prick that is full of sap.  So as I lopped of large branches they fell every which way...usually MY WAY.  I was being pelted with thorn like leaves and was COVERED in sap *ewwwwwwwwwwww*. 

I was so sticky (and scratched up) that my hands were stuck to the yard tools and I had random pieces of nature stuck all over me.  Which included but is not limited to leaves, dirt, & bugs *wah*.  When I was done I tried to drop the shears but they were practically GLUED to my hands (reason number 3 why I should wear gloves) so I started cursing like a f**king sailor.  They finally fell to the ground and I cheered with success "Whoohoo!" and then I heard the laughing, "WTF?"  So I peeked out of the tree.  My NEW neighbor whom I haven't officially met yet is across the street cracking up.  When I poked my head out he basically fell over laughing.  Me: *confused* "what...?" He said *with mirth* "I couldn't see you up there and all I heard was cursing *raised eyebrow* and the tree was shaking like crazy!  I was like 'why is that tree so angry and should I be concerned?'."  At that point I hadn't realized two things.  One, how high up I was and two, that I was basically incognito. 

Time for a long over due intro (no handshakes, lest I stick to him too) so I walked across the street and realized how funny it really was.  He basically saw this shaking and heard colorful profanity.

You see that little gray/beige thing in the tree?  Here let me "zoom in".

That is me but I blended fairly well into the scene so he couldn't see me.  Apparently he found this very funny.  So funny that when his friend...roommate...husband...person came home he told him the story as they were leaving.  I was still outside murdering other shrubs and I waved a polite hello.  I'm sure I looked a sight!  I was covered in sap and nature.  My hair was frizzy (f**king humidity) and sticking out everywhere.  I was sweaty and I was wearing REALLY old loose fitting capri pants and a bleach stained tank top.  HOT MESS!


So that is how the legend of The Cursing Tree began.  I should write a book *hahaha*.

P.S.  yes I drew that, don't laugh.  MS Paint is limited but its super easy and quick to use. 

So I think the apocolypse started...

I mean we've had crazy weather before but recent storms took the cake!  I am semi okay with bad weather like a Hurricane because we have time to prep (I don't like them but I can mentally ready myself for the possible aftermath) but when its sudden, it is so much more terrifying!!!  There was a memorial service for someone I know very well.  All hell broke loose while in said service.  Can I just say the lights going out during one of these is a bit unsettling...and I've read we weren't the only ones that had this lovely experience...INSANITY!

So the day started okay.  Get ready, drive into town.   We knew some nastiness was headed our way but we apparently didn't know HOW bad it would be.  As we pulled up to the church there was a slight drizzle starting..."oh shoot, lets get inside". . . it went downhill quickly from there.  As we were talking to our family and friends I felt our phones buzzing like crazy.  We went to the restroom and realized our family that is a bit north and west of where we were was freaking out.  Apparently a tornado touched down in that city and chaos ensued.  Schools were pulling kids into hallways, offices were locking the doors and "hunkering down", there was hail and power was out all over.  "Oh $hit!" We told them where we were and they basically said "stay put, it is BAD!"

As we made our way back to the others we were discussing how insane that is.  We were telling one of our peeps what was going on when our phones started buzzing again.  WTH!?!?  It was our "parish" emergency response system.  "Seek shelter immediately.  Possible Tornado.  Strong winds. Hail."  Oh no, our poor dogs!!!  So I texted my neighbor to see if he was home.  He wasn't but he said his house alarm went off ...something about his garage door.  He asked our other neighbor that was home to check on our houses.  His response "I will once the weather passes.  There are straight-line winds, sideways rain, I'm in the bathtub.  It looks like a white out and like it is midnight." (it was 10AM)  At this point WE are starting to get nervous.  People are running into the church soaked and windblown.  It is beginning to get nasty by us too.  Very quickly the windows darkened.  It wasn't like "hey it is cloudy out" it was more like "hey, who turned out the lights." (count the shadows) You could hear the wind picking up and rain pelting the church.  We are telling some peeps at the service what was happening in our hood when "BANG" a loud, almost explosion and the lights went out.  "F**k!" (no one said it but we were all thinking it).  Then the generator kicked on. . .but you see it only powers SOME of the lights.  Like enough to see so it was still a little dark.  There was a lot of nervous laughter and talking.  People were still making their way to the service (soaked) while the priest was lighting candles. 

As we were about to start, whispering amongst the attendees is increasing and more phones are buzzing.  Apparently it was now flooding outside.  People were scrambling trying to get to their cars BEFORE water gets in them and others are calling to say they can't get to the church because of high waters and wind.  *memories of our flood flashing in my head*  Finally we begin.  The wind is steadily howling, debris (not just rain) is slamming into the church.  And then pretty much every phone in the place went off (Emergency Response System does NOT follow the phone on silent rule...it overrides it).  Well that was a terrifying "seek shelter" message..."F**k!" again thought NOT said aloud.  Dead silence, we start the service again and then *bang, bang, bang*.  Doors are flying open.  Not all but more than one.  We are talking HEAVY wooden and steal doors being BLOWN open.  *jfc, okay lets just ignore it* So we all just sang and prayed and remembered (distraction was helpful).  By the time we left the worst of it was over.  But the evidence of what went through was ever present.  Power lines down, tree limbs all over, trash cans everywhere, trees snapped in half, so much DEBRIS...it looked like a weather war zone.

When we finally got home it was to terrified animals BUT our house was okay.  Lots of debris and only a partial tree down in the yard (whew).   Apparently winds were clocked at around 60-70MPH near mi casa and over a 100MPH not far from where we were.  Are you kidding me!?!?!?

The ONLY times that happens down here is during a hurricane...at least that used to be the case but lately (like in the last 3 years) this is more common.  We don't get tornadoes...that only happens in the Midwest. . . RIGHT?!!?!?  Yea WRONG.  A while back I was awakened by our ERS going off at 4AM right as the SIRENS went off.  "Good morning, WTF!?!?"  The sky is falling chicken little...no really...seriously GTFI (Get the F**k In)...this is NOT a drill.  Maybe I need a sign that says "the end is near".  Who wants to build an Ark/Sky boat?

You are the reason we can't have nice things!

People...are...so...stupid! Sorry but while individuals can be intelligent, people en masse are morons. This makes me stabby!

This isn't about work, it is shockingly about...Dogs.  Yea, I said dogs!  If you know anything about me you know I love animals.  I love all dogs big and small.  I get REALLY angry when people judge a dog just because he/she is of a certain breed.  But that doesn't mean I think you should be a careless pet owner to "prove" your "aggressive" dog is actually an angel. 

My convict (who is considered an aggressive breed) is a big baby.  He is a loveable, snuggable, sweetheart (with a bad rep).  Don't get me wrong he will protect me, my husband and the other animals in a flash, we are his pack.  He loves going for walks.  As a precaution he gets muzzled.  He is fine with it, well he hated it at first but he's very powerful and I don't want to take a chance that he gets the wrong vibe from someone/another dog because I wouldn't be able to stop him (unlikely but I don't like to tempt fate). 

So the other day, as I have been for the last couple weeks, I took Convict and Speedy on an early evening walk.  As we were heading down the street I noticed some neighbors outside (a lady and two very young kids), so I crossed the street (dog owner courtesy).  As I was passing I noticed their two pits hanging out on the front lawn.  I thought NOTHING of it.  I have big dogs, if they are out front they are tethered.  Suddenly I hear the pitter patter of dog nails on the sidewalk behind me.  *thinking* "$hit!".  The two pits have crossed the street and have blocked our path.  As I said before I don't judge breeds, had they been any other breed I would have had the same concern because I DON'T know these dogs.  And they were HUGE, not tall but solid, massive muscle.  Convict, thank God, seemed fine, ears up, tail wagging, whining.  Speedy was okay but clearly scared, ears back, tail down.  My neighbors adorable children (who used to ride their bikes next to me while I jogged) came to my rescue, meanwhile their mother (I guess) was on her cell going "oh $hit, oh $hit!" Her freaking out was NOT calming my nerves.  The dogs seemed very friendly but they wouldn't leave my dogs alone and were trying to get to me (not in a scary way, just curious).  My dogs were standing in front of me and moved when they moved... I was starting to get worried my dogs would go into "protect mommy" mode.  The two tiny tots were trying to manhandle their two dogs back across the street but these dogs were as big if not bigger than them so it wasn't really working, the male kept jerking away and hovering over Speedy and I was getting worried the kids would get in the crossfire of a dog fight...which by the way would have ended with my two fur babies in bad shape because they wouldn't have stood a chance!

The kids finally get a handle on them and said "go head lady, we got 'em".  So we start walking, *pitter patter* "f**k!"And they are back, still looked happy but come on!  Mom was still on her phone yelling for the dogs but doing NOTHING ELSE, "WTF!?!"  She disappears and gets her husband...I guess...and he basically just stands in his front yard yelling for the dogs.  Okay now I am getting ANGRY!  Stop being a lazy @$$ and come get your f**king dogs!  At this point they had followed me more than half a block.  This is when I realized one is a female and looks like she just had pups "$hit!!!!!"  The male was doing that "challenge" thing...I think it was playful but it scared the crap outta Speedy who went into protect momma mode (he is like 15 lbs btw) and started growling and snapping air, this triggered Convict who started growling (hackles up), now the pits are growling and I am about to cry, "so this is how it ends *sigh*".  FINALLY the older child yelled something, as I was forcefully saying "NO!" and pulling my two back.  It eventually broke the tension...all dogs started wagging their tails again.  The CHILDREN ended up leashing their dogs and going home.  I thanked them profusely and continued my walk. 

My point is the pits were great dogs.  They were insanely sweet and clearly loveable (like most of them are).  My problem was why tempt fate???  You never know what could trigger ANY dog.  Speedy being a prime example...hes a bleeding Hound mix and tried to scare off a pit that was 4 times his size!  Look, I don't care if you have a pitbull or a chihuahua, it shouldn't be off a leash outside of a fenced in yard or dog park!  I was attacked by a miniature poodle one day while jogging because the owner let him/her out front without a leash.  The f**king dog was biting my ankles...I had cuts and punctures!!! Had it been a larger dog...I don't even want to think about that. 

Just be responsible!  They already have a bad rep, why take the chance of proving people right???  Seriously, why.take.the.chance, especially with a bigger dog?  They may be perfect angels but they WILL protect their home and humans (pack) as they see needed.  And while they may love you to bits, they may not love me (or that kid on the bike) for whatever reason.  I should be able to walk around my neighborhood with or without my dogs and not have to worry about being attacked by another dog(s).  You want them out front?  Buy a lead, they are $10-$20 at Walmart.