Did I somehow attend a Dead People Party????

Dreams are weird. They jump around…they make no sense.  But gosh sometimes they feel so dang real!

The beginning.  We were at my grandparents old house in NOLA.  The one that was destroyed by Katrina.  Everything was the same.  The scents, the furniture, my deceased grandparents and Paran.  There were even a bunch of dogs and cats but none that I recognized.  The only real difference was that about 3 feet in front of their front porch was a 6 foot tall chain link fence. 

There were other people there but even though in the dream I knew them…I couldn’t tell you who they were.  But they felt like family/friends.  Well one of the bigger dogs got over the fence and was on the street side.  My Paran and I were trying to wrangle it and a couple others that weren’t theirs that showed up because we were worried about them getting hit by a car. My pawpaw was fussing for us to hurry up because we were outside the fence.  

It was kind of chaotic and somehow cats were also involved.  But it was fun and everyone was laughing.  It was nighttime now and we went inside to eat.  It felt like the last Christmas Eve we were all together.  Lots of food on the table (buffet style), tons of people, laughing, and chatting.  But my mom, uncles and cousins weren’t there… which was weird but still It felt SOOOOO real. 

I remember at one point my bow legged pawpaw leaning against me laughing.  It was so surreal. Someone at the party…someone I couldn’t place because they never were at my grandparents house but they were a friend was about to leave.  That’s when things went sideways.  Something was wrong.  Very wrong.  Like we weren’t supposed to be there.  The feeling of safe left and they were telling me I needed to leave.  I needed to leave now.  

When we walked outside the sky looked like something out of a Sci-Fi movie.  It was a dark swirling mass of black, purple, dark blue, with streaks of silver.  This friend was panicked.  He kept saying we aren’t supposed to be here and grabbed my arm and his dog (this little white, shiatsu looking thing) and we climbed the fence to leave.  

I remember turning around to see if anyone else was coming but they were just standing by the fence watching, looking kinda sad. This friend kept saying NOLA Gurl come on, we have to leave now! So we started running down their street in the opposite direction of St Roch Park. As we were running the dark neighborhood was falling away and suddenly we were on a small hill of green grass looking towards this two story blue siding and brick house.  He grabbed my hand again and said you’ll be safe with us.  When I turned around to see the old neighborhood again…it was gone, just trees and green grass. 

This is when it transitions…. So I will start another post

Ever had an epiphany while riding around looking like Elliot rescuing E.T.?

It's been a rough week so to destress I've been riding my Bike since I still can't run.  As I was pedaling along listening to some True Crime my brain threw me into a memory that I had completely forgotten about.  Mind you it was 100% unrelated to anything I was listening to, it just...happened. 

I was remembering when I was around 8 years old.  I was being "tormented" by another kid.  We were both being babysat at the same house.  This wasn't anything new.  This kid regularly picked on me.  They would bully me both physically and verbally.  And if I ever stood up to them, they would somehow convince me  that I would get in trouble if I didn't do what they said.  

On the occasions I did go to the adult, our sitter would correct it at times but most of the time I was just told I was being a "tattle tale" and to just go do something else and avoid the other child.  Which just resulted in me getting tortured further.  Good job adulting there lady! Mind you this isn't like a teenage sitter.  We are talking like a 50 y/o woman. 

Anyways, this particular memory was just like the others.  Me being bullied and pushed around and told what I can and cannot do.  Being told how ugly I was, how bad I was at whatever we were playing, how they were better at sports and I sucked... I mean pick something it was just a BARRAGE of bull$hit.  I did what the adult told me to do and ignored it and removed myself from situation.  Which got my hair pulled and me pushed into the dirt. I walked away again. 

This B**ch followed me and continued the taunt.  I distinctly remember we had been playing house.  I was "sweeping" the floors.  I was ignoring my tormentor as best I could.  I was stewing.  This had been going on since I could remember.  This kid and I grew up together and they were so mean to me.  I was trying to play alone when they shoved me from behind which caused me to fall pretty hard into a tree.  

I was so mad! I was so hurt! I was so angry! I grabbed th broom from the bottom and spun around at full speed.  I hit them as hard as I could with the handle in their side.  I hit them so hard I knocked the wind out of them and they hit the ground.  I screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE" and walked away. 

This is where my "kindness" f**ked me.  I was crying because I was so frustrated.  Then I felt bad because they were crying and were hurt because of me.  This is where I had the epiphany as an adult.  Because you see instead of going tell on me...this demon of a child BLACKMAILED me.  

That's they best I could describe it.  Literally for the rest of the break this f**king psycho child used my temporary moment of aggression as a way to CONTINUE TO BULLY ME. Anytime I "stepped out of line" by their standards, this sociopath kid would be like "you better do what I say or I'm going to tell the adult what you did to me.  I'm going to tell them how you beat me with a broom handle until I cried. And that you only stopped when I begged you to.  And they'll believe me because I have a bruise to prove it". And since I was a good kid and didn't want to be in trouble, I f**king listened.  

They legit tormented me for over a week with no push back from me because I was scared of getting in serious trouble.  

I was gaslighted by a narcissistic EIGHT YEAR OLD.  How does an 8 year old become that??!?!!?  

I am not saying I was right.  I do not believe in hurting others, unless in self defense.  And I am not proud of how I reacted.  I'm really not.  I think I had blocked that memory until today.   I'm not sure why my brain decided it was time to remember but I'm glad it did.  

As an adult, I know I subconsciously learned from this situation.  I'm more aware of others and avoid narcissists if possible..its like I know the signs.  That kid is a seemingly normal adult.  We are still in touch and they are no longer a narcissistic tw@t waffle.  They no longer manipulate and torture others.  I am glad for that for them, their kids, and well me.  

So I am not sure why I had to remember that event today but I don't believe in coincidences so if I am remembering that...there is a reason, and I am not thrilled about finding out what that reason is.... 

Creepy kids are the worst!

Seriously, give me any kind of scary movie but throw in a creepy kid and the scare factor jumps 100%.  Well and clowns...but that is a given

As a kid I had a few recurring dreams/nightmares.  I never talked about them because...they were weird and made no sense.  I mean lots of kids/people that have these...I think.  Obviously it's been quite a few years but I think I had these so many times I still recall most of it. 

Dream 1:

I was in a crib I think but I wasn't a baby, I could stand up.  There wasn't a lot of light in my room but I could see, maybe a nightlight.  I felt extremely scared and like I was being watched.  You know that hair on the neck feeling?  That was happening.  I turned around to look at the wall and saw these wooden zoo animals hanging.  There was a lion, giraffe, elephant, and tiger.  Something about them was scaring me.  As I stared at them they started moving, like someone was adjusting them on the nail they were hanging on.  The more scared I got the more they moved.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, I was absolutely petrified.  As they were moving faster and faster I swore their eyes were glowing and they suddenly had sharp teeth.  The giraffe came flying off the wall at me and I woke up.  Everytime.  Every.single.time.  That's how it ended.  I had this dream for years!  This made no sense, I've never had a zoo themed room...

Dream 2:

I am in my toddler bed sleeping.  I felt someone nudge me to wake me up.  When I opened my eyes I didn't see anything.  I didn't like the dark so my CREEPY AF clown lamp is on but the lowest level so it's dim but I can see around the room.  I looked around but since I didn't see anything so I closed my eyes.  I heard music coming from the living room.  I got up to go see thinking it was my parents.  I remember looking down and seeing I was in one of my FAVORITE rainbow bright nightgowns that I wore as much as possible, I had a pinkish red one and a light blue one.  They had a ruffle around the bottom. As I started to walk down the pitch black hallway I realize there is no light in the living room, just the light from the street lamp.  I felt...I felt like I was in a group of people.  Like you know that feeling of being in a crowd but not like claustrophobic.  I knew I was alone in my house.  I could feel the worn carpet under my feet and smell the stale smoke (gotta love the 80's).  That's when I noticed the gorillas.  There was a Family (?) of gorillas in the living room.  Some were adults and some were "kids" but they all stood on two legs.  I remember talking to them but I don't know what about.  And I remember playing.  Mainly playing ring around the rosie.  Over and over we would skip around in a circle and then "all fall down", laughing and giggling.  We would play until I was exhausted.  Then I would wake up in the morning in my room.  Again, I had this dream for YEARS!

Flash forward to the now times.  I am telling my mom about some spooky movie I watched.  I said something about creepy kids and how I just can't imagine having one of those creepy "I see dead people" kids.  I mean I would figure it out because I'm not an @$$hole and can't blame a child for what's happening to them but it would still be creepy.  

As I make these comments my MOTHER says, well now you know how I felt.  

She says "when you were little you scared the ever loving $hit out of me regularly."

z

She says "well when you were very young, still in your crib, you would wake up just screeching.  Not crying, but absolutely screaming in terror.  I would walk in and you would be standing in your crib pointing at these wooden animal figures we used to have on your wall."

"You were inconsolable until I took you out of the room.  Then for a few nights I couldn't put you back in there, you would just scream.  Once I'd get you to go back same thing would happen.  One night I found the tiger in your crib.  You couldn't have pulled it down, it was up too high.  I would ask you what's wrong, what happened, and you would cry and cry and say they were dancing.  You really seemed to hate the giraffe and tiger.  The look of fear broke our hearts so we took down all of the zoo animals and re-did your room in rainbows and clouds. After that you didn't scream...as much"

I had zoo animals in my room???  I don't remember this!!!! 

"Of course you don't you were still very young."  

**proceed to tell her about my recurring dream**  Wait....as much....?!?!

"Well, yes as much.  NOLA Gurl, you were always talking to...someone in your room.  From very little until maybe 6 or 7.  Of course we just thought imaginary friend or maybe the dog.  But some nights.  Well lets just say things got weird sometimes.  On more than one occasion one of us would wake up to you singing.  You weren't in your room, so we would go investigate.  We would find you in the living room all alone playing ring around the rosie."

"It was baffling.  We never taught you that song and you didn't go to daycare or school yet.  We thought maybe a neighborhood kid but when I asked you, you just shrugged.  Everytime one of us found you I would ask why you were playing all alone and you would say 'I'm not mommy, I'm playing with the gorillas'. And I would try not to freak out as I carried you back to bed.  Your dad tried not to let it show but he was definitely unnerved.  We were worried you would get hurt so we started putting a gate at your doorway, but somehow you would get out without knocking the gate down.  This went on for many years and then one day it just stopped."

**proceed to tell her about my recurring dream** 

I am so sorry mom & dad, I was the creepy kid!!! I can't imagine how f**ked up that was......

So what do you think?  Either I was having some intense dreams and sleep walking/playing or maybe something was communicating with me.  I mean wall decor ended up in my crib and I played with "gorillas" in my living room. Could they have been shadow people...?  Or some crazy imagination...Who knows.  Apparently other things happened but we didn't get to discuss those.  

So there you have it, I was the creepy kid, scaring the bejesus out of my parents.  

You have no power over me!

Am I the only one who may have caved when Jareth said "I ask for so little. Just fear me. Love me. Do as I ask, and I shall be your slave."

Gah, I love that movie!  Maybe its because its part of my childhood (I was like 5 when it came out!) or maybe because its Jim Henson but whatever the reason its one of my favs. 

I know I know I seem to have a lot of those but this movie and a few others really shaped a whole generation.

There aren't many 30 somethings that haven't seen at least one of these....

The Labyrinth

The Dark Crystal

The Neverending Story

clearly there are MANY MANY more that I can list from the 80's but these three.  These three were "kids" movies.  Have you seen these movies?!?!!?  These are NOT kids movies. But they were.

At a young age we were dipped in death, disappointment, pain, etc.  Today these movies wouldn't make it past the sample crowds.  Parents would never purposefully expose their kids to these situations. 

For God's sake I am over 35 and I still cry when Artax gives up in the Swamp of Sadness!!! 

Also, who didn't want to be friends with Hoggle and Ludo and Didymus!  Who didn't want a Luck Dragon?!?!?  Who didn't want a Goblin King willing to give them the world but wouldn't sacrifice their baby brother?!?!!? Wait......

I can't say much about the Dark Crystal because what else can I say.  It was f**king DARK but I've seen it a million times.  I can quote it.  Its...its part of my childhood...its...its part of me. 

"Another world, another time, in the age of wonder. A thousand years ago, this land was green and good - until the Crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost; a shard of the Crystal. Then strife began, and two new races appeared: the cruel Skeksis, the gentle Mystics."

The 80's was a strange time but it was my time.  I was a kid of the 80's.  I had cabbage patch and rainbow bright. I watched Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow.  I've seen all these movies countless times, and now I want to binge them all again. 

So off I go to find my ancient copy of The Labyrinth.  Because while I know...I KNOW I can find it online, I am going old f**king school tonight.  My dusty @$$ VCR up in a forgotten closet is doing its duty tonight and letting me watch Jareth and Sarah, like I did the 1st time........on VHS!

Stop laughing!!!

Somethings just stick with you...like herpes

I kid I kid...but really...don't play with herpes, that is the gift that keeps on giving.  I don't know that personally but I have friends and they...well they regret somethings.  Moving on!

I love movies, right?  Right!  I have a soft spot of sci-fi and fantasy, right?  Right!

With that said I can't believe how much I still without a doubt absolutely LOVE the original Jurassic Park.  The music, the special effects, the acting, the f**king dinosaurs!  That movie...THAT MOVIE is one of my all time favs.

The new one is coming out soon and I am sure I will like it a lot but nothing...NOTHING will ever compare to the original. 

When I hear the music, I get chills!

This scene slays me every time! I can hear the roar in my mind!

Its so real.  In that moment, sitting in a dark theater in 1993, suddenly dinosaurs were alive again.  It stoked the embers of my imagination...it was amazing!  And still, today when I watch this movie I get chills.  Its so real.  Everything is so real.  Its so believable that a lot of times I dream about dinosaurs afterwards.

Granted its usually me trying to escape raptors but its cool...right?  My point is this movie stands the test of time.  It set a standard and will forever be one of my all time favorite movies.

F**KING CHILLS MAN!

Not to mention Jeff Goldblum...What is it about him in this movie ...DAMN SON!

"Life...uh...finds a way."

Clever girl...

Damn, I love this movie!

Netflix got jokes

So the stupid app freaked out.  Like full on crashed and wouldn't let me do anything.  So I searched the error code.

"it typically points to information stored on your device that needs to be refreshed. Follow the troubleshooting steps for your device below to resolve the issue."

Hmmmm okay. 

1. Restart your device

Didn't work

1a. On the error screen in the Netflix app, select More Info or More Details and continue to Step 2. If you don't see More Info or More Details, continue below.

Hmmm okay

1b.  Navigate up and select Settings or the Gear icon  and continue to Step 2. 

I don't...I don't see that.... 

1b1. If you don't have Settings or the Gear icon , continue below.

DAMMIT!

1b2. Pull up the deactivation screen by entering the following sequence using the arrow keys on your device's remote:

Okay got the remote and....WTF?!?!?  Are you serious?

"Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Up, Up, Up, Up"

Am I resetting Netflix or getting unlimited lives in Contra....?

By the way it didn't work!!!!  I had to eventually uninstall and reinstall the stupid thing!  Whatever, I'm watching Black Mirror again so suck it Netflix Error!

Another 30 Years?!?

What?!?!  So Dirty Dancing and DuckTales made 30 this year...?  Conclusion: 1987 was the bomb diggity...

Soooo does that mean the new one is out...coming soon...it is weird for a 30+ y/o without kids to watch it?!? Because lets be honest...DuckTales was ah-mazing.  Also, adulting sucks...I need a break...

Ah, it came out on 8/12.  So in theory, if I was bored...I COULD go check it out.  What the F is Disney XD?!?  Jesus, I am old...

You're not supposed to agree with me!

Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg....Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it's a duck-blur!

Okay okay okay.  So clearly I am on a nostalgia kick.  But I can NOT be the only over 30 y/o that remembers coming home from school and watching Darkwing Duck, Goof Troop, Tale Spin, and *ahem* DUCK TALES...a whoohoo!  Hahahaha.  No but for real that was like my after school schedule.  Come home, get snack, watch said shows while doing homework, etc.  I can still sing ALL of the f**king theme songs!

Anyways, I was browsing and saw "Disney Duck Tales Revival".  What?!?!?  Don't f**k it up man!  That is my childhood there...handle with care.  Then I saw there was a video... "All-New "DuckTales" Cast Sings Original Theme Song"...awwwww lets watch it. 

So it begins and I am singing my little heart out when...

"Tales of daring do bad and good Luck Tales! 
D-d-d danger...holy $hit is that David Tennant?!?!"

Then I see Scrooge McDuck.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Are you kidding me, *pahahahaha*?!?!  No way...  I mean I might watch it because think about it, Duck Tales or the news...eh the news sucks, we need more Huey, Dewey, and Louie!!!

Anyways, I finished singing the Theme Song because it made me happy...yay for nostalgia!!!

UPDATE - I've been singing the damn theme song for 24 hours.  Make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How can you be in your 30's and not have watched any 90's cartoons?!?!?!?

Okay some newer cartoons are fun but the old ones man...those are the best...maybe because as an adult I catch things and go "oh my god!".  So many hidden things that my little child brain didn't quite grasp.

Animaniacs and Tiny Toon Adventures were pretty famous for that.  Then you had the "older teen" cartoons like Beavis & Butthead and Ren & Stimpy.  But don't forget Courage the Cowardly Dog and Rocko's Modern Life.  Soooooo many to choose from.

So I am not actually gonna reference a "dirty" reference today but just one that makes me and my friends giggle.  Way back when, when we were younger there was a scene in one of the above mentioned TV Shows.  My group references it fairly often as a joke so it almost comes as second nature now.

We were at a thing and one of the little ones kept getting 'dirty' so their mom kept wiping their hands/face off.  To the point where we were like "dude just leave it, they are fine".  At one point mom did it like 4 times in a row.  Kid picked up chalk, mom wiped off hands.  Kid picked up chips, mom wiped off hands. Kid picked up other kids toy, mom wiped off hands.  Look I get it you don't want the little one sick but good lord!  Anyways, at one point she was doing this and I said *sounding like Woody Allen* "Turn the page, wash your hands.  Turn the page, wash your hands."

Only one person got it and it was my relative because we watched the show together.  We were giggling like idiots and everyone else was like "WTF...?".  So I said:
 

"Its Filbert".
*blank stares*.   
"You know the turtle dude from Rocko's Modern Life..." 
*confused stares*.
"OMG y'all come on! Rocko...the Wallaby...came on Nickelodeon..."   
*You are weird stares*

Seriously?! Showed the below:

The kids mom "Oh, that show was dumb, I never watched it".

You're dumb...this show was comedic gold. 

I can't stop the fangirling

So just dance, dance, dance

Sorry sorry.  Sooooooooooooooooo dammit people stop giving me childhood nostalgia!  I am a kid at heart, right?  So I will always love Disney and such.  My fav Disney movie is Lady & the Tramp but my favorite princess is Belle.  This makes Beauty and the Beast a very very very close second.  Since the announcement that there would be a live action Beauty and the Beast I have been so incredibly excited.

Then they released the trailer in May "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Link

Then yesterday they released this and *double* "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Link
Seriously, stop...I'm gonna die.

Link

Then today, I saw this and I freaked.  How did I not see this sooner!?!?!

Ouch, right in the childhood!  Is it March yet?!?!  I need to see this freaking movie!!!

Video shot by shot comparison

Who doesn't like to be pucnhed in the tear ducts?

For real though...right in the Childhood!  'scuse me while I cry in the corner. 

She still sounds perfect...ALWAYS Mrs. Potts!!!!!!!!!  Also, there is no way its 25 years old...NO WAY!

Moving on...sooooooo I was legit hacked.  Someone who has no life...who if they put half the effort they put into stealing into a real job would be successful!  He got in to my Amazon and used MY GIFT CARD to buy himself a Samsung External Drive.  I have the address, because I got an email telling me my order would ship tonight... WHAT?!!?!?!? 

Anyways, I looked up the address and found a Business Park.  I called the first number I saw and the lady that answered said "OMG, did he steal your VISA too?!?!"  What...um no.  I told her my sad story.  She said I was the 12th person calling about something like this.  He uses the address for Suites that are empty...SERIOUSLY?!?!  But this time he may get caught...wanna know why.  Because I'm not with VISA.  I'm not looking at my bill a month out and trying to figure this out.  I KNOW this will be delivered TOMORROW.  And now so does Amazon, their Fraud Department and the local Police.  I considered sending a box filled my dog $hit but I didn't want some poor unsuspecting business owner to get it by accident.  Anyways "SERGE"...hope you like prison.  *fingers crossed his @$$ gets picked up*.

Serge Kaluga
Kiamensi road 805
apt.984
Wilmington, Delaware 19804
United States

Feel free to ship poop if you want. 

Also, note to self...standing outside in the dark and saying "Come play with us" like the creepy kids from The Shining, then laughing hysterically, REALLY freaks out the neighbors.  In my defense I was in the process of taking care of Aphids and they were hiding.  So I was spraying killer bug juice on the plants trying to get them to come out...so I could KILL THEM!

In conclusion, I went from happy crying...to I want to nut punch a crook...to I think my neighbors think I'm a psychopath...

Ahhhhahahahahhaha....

Ouch, right in the nostalgia

Okay, so do you ever hear a song and go "wow, I used to LOVE them.  I wonder why they don't release anymore albums".  And then you do a google search and Holy F**k I did not know that!

Okay so I was looking through some playlists and found "Guys do it all the Time".  I love love love that song!

Then I see, Mindy McCready November 30, 1975- February, 17 2013

She died?!?!  Why do I not remember this?!?!  Just a word of advice...don't wiki further info unless you REALLY want to know. 

"McCready was found dead on her front porch from a self-inflicted gunshot wound."  Oh...oh dear...how awful!

Apparently she had a lot of issues.   Its just so sad that someone with such beauty and talent could be hiding (albeit not very well) so much pain and problems.  So I will choose not to read more...I saw something about a dog & kids and closed the page. 

So if you need me I'll be streaming her greatest hits and trying not to think about how she died....

Johnny 5 is that you?!?!?!

Number 5...is ALIVE!!!!!

Yea yea yea I know there were other "OMG the machine is 'alive' now" movies *ahem* "Chappy" *ahem* but this is my nostalgia.  I absolutely ADORE Johnny Five.  He was part of my childhood. 

No I am not just having a flash back.  I saw an "article"...shocking, I know.

"A robot capable of thinking for itself is set to be scrapped after it escaped from a high-tech lab for a second time."

Wait...WHAT?!?  Its escaping?!?!  It wants to be FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"They say that despite reprogramming it twice, the robot continues to attempt to escape and they are now considering scrapping it. The other robots which have been created from the same series are well-behaved, and have not been escaping, say the team."

Y'AAAAAALL!!!!  This is basically the plot of Short Circuit!!!  He isn't like the other robots and wants to be free.  

Please tell me the lead scientist looks like this!!!!

Dang it, the robo looks more like Eve (Wall-E) but they should TOTALLY call him Johnny 5!!!!!

No disassemble...Number 5...is...ALIVE...

I love how they nonchalantly throw this in there...
"In Austria a cleaning robot reportedly 'committed suicide' by switching itself on, and climbing on to a kitchen hotplate where it was burned to death." 

What the actual f**k?!?!  How dirty was that house that the cleaning robot decided to end it all...?

Yes yes yes yes its being reported by a British Tabloid.  But come on this is FUNNY!  Plus if I learned anything from Men in Black...the Tabloids usually get it right!  *hahahaha*

Side Note - I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!!

I've heard of The Giving Tree but not The Cursing Tree.....?

Its Spring...Summer...almost summer....feels like f**king Summer, anyways its the time of year where I go outside and play in my yard.  Since I am adult this does not consist of me playing Cops & Robbers or riding my bike to the corner.  It means I do gardening...like everyday. 

Yesterday after the torrential downpour (yay humidity) I went outside to murder the overgrown shrubberies in the garden. 

SIDE NOTE - Y'all don't understand.  These things are out of control.  They started off as these cute little shrubs that I kept small.  Then we flooded and weren't there for 6+ months and they became MONSTERS!!!!  We've tried cutting them back but they just keep getting bigger.  Send Help!!!!

I used my handy dandy step ladder because I am a mini person to hack away as much shrubbery as possible.  There is this one...its a holly tree thing that is supposed to be round but occasionally these giant shoots come out of the top.  One is so tall and thick (that's what she said *hahaha*) that I would need a regular ladder & saw to, uh, nip the tip.  Since I am lazy and didn't want to go get the ladder I decided to relive my childhood. 

I sure did Monkey my way up a crape myrtle with a hand saw and garden shears. Because you know climbing a tree is TOTALLY safe...add sharp objects...what could go wrong?  Well since its Spring/Summer everything is in full bloom and bushy.  Meaning once I was up in the tree I was a f**king ninja.  It also meant that as I not so subtly talked *grumbled* to myself people didn't know where the voice was coming from. 

In all fairness I really did do good.  I was wedged in the tree but safely and had the perfect angle to slice & dice.   What I forgot was I was slicing and dicing a f**king Holly Tree.  Do you know what that is?

It is essentially a prickly...prick that is full of sap.  So as I lopped of large branches they fell every which way...usually MY WAY.  I was being pelted with thorn like leaves and was COVERED in sap *ewwwwwwwwwwww*. 

I was so sticky (and scratched up) that my hands were stuck to the yard tools and I had random pieces of nature stuck all over me.  Which included but is not limited to leaves, dirt, & bugs *wah*.  When I was done I tried to drop the shears but they were practically GLUED to my hands (reason number 3 why I should wear gloves) so I started cursing like a f**king sailor.  They finally fell to the ground and I cheered with success "Whoohoo!" and then I heard the laughing, "WTF?"  So I peeked out of the tree.  My NEW neighbor whom I haven't officially met yet is across the street cracking up.  When I poked my head out he basically fell over laughing.  Me: *confused* "what...?" He said *with mirth* "I couldn't see you up there and all I heard was cursing *raised eyebrow* and the tree was shaking like crazy!  I was like 'why is that tree so angry and should I be concerned?'."  At that point I hadn't realized two things.  One, how high up I was and two, that I was basically incognito. 

Time for a long over due intro (no handshakes, lest I stick to him too) so I walked across the street and realized how funny it really was.  He basically saw this shaking and heard colorful profanity.

You see that little gray/beige thing in the tree?  Here let me "zoom in".

That is me but I blended fairly well into the scene so he couldn't see me.  Apparently he found this very funny.  So funny that when his friend...roommate...husband...person came home he told him the story as they were leaving.  I was still outside murdering other shrubs and I waved a polite hello.  I'm sure I looked a sight!  I was covered in sap and nature.  My hair was frizzy (f**king humidity) and sticking out everywhere.  I was sweaty and I was wearing REALLY old loose fitting capri pants and a bleach stained tank top.  HOT MESS!


So that is how the legend of The Cursing Tree began.  I should write a book *hahaha*.

P.S.  yes I drew that, don't laugh.  MS Paint is limited but its super easy and quick to use. 

I used to dance to this song. My BFF and I did that weird pop/hump air to this song. How did I forget about this song?!?!

This is like a throw back to my early teens.  I mean the song came out in 1993.  I was what...12.  OMG I wasn't even a teen yet!  I was going to sock hops & CYA dances and dancing to this!  CYA Dances!!!!!  That is the CHRISTIAN Youth Association.  How WRONG is that?!?!  I even had a cassette tape of it!!!!  Mom what were you thinking?!?! 

I don't even think I understood the whole reference.  I mean I was 12 so I knew SOMETHING but just, just listen to the lyrics!!! Oh and watch the video.  I am having flashbacks of shaking it like a dog and doing the Fire Hydrant.  Wow...just wow.  That's just wrong wrong wrong.  And we thought we were hot $hit dancing like that.  Good doG!

PLEASE!!!Gemme dat donkey butt and dem big ole legs! Update: on Facebook   #12Gauge  https://www.facebook.com/TwelveMuzik/
Posted by Calvin MrGrind Howard on Friday, October 16, 2015

I immediately regret my decision to google that...

So I am reading a book and in the book one of the "nerdy" characters is said to always say "Shazbot" when something goes wrong.  You know like you would normally say $hit or ¢rap.  I recognized the term but I couldn't place it so I Googled it... and now I want to claw my eyes out!!!

Shazbot is ancient sex maneuver invented by Egyptians on slaves when the pyramids would not be finished in time. Egyptians would grab gooseberries of slave and begin to slowly massage until fruit explosion. The resulting mess was called shazbot.

What...WHAT....WHAAAT!?!??!  Ahhhhh my eyes!!! Right I get it...I think...internet trolls right?!?!  Like this really wasn't a thing...right?!?!  I am leaning towards internet trolls, bunch of @$$holes....but oddly amusing. 

Further down the page I found what I was actually looking for.  It was an exclamation usually said by Mork from Mork and Mindy...you know Robin Williams being hilarious.  That is where I knew it from!  I used to watch reruns of Mork and Mindy all the time. That was some funny $hit!
Nanu nanu and whatnot.

I'm feeling nostalgic...for some Christmas makes them think of their Childhood...for me its a "Pagan" holiday...tomaeto, tomahto

So since it's THAT time of year that I love, I've been thinking.  Well I've been decorating whilst watching horror movies on Netflix...same thing.  I love new stuff but there are some classics...well classics to me...that you just can't top. For example, the original SCREAM, was terrifying.  As was the original Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Halloween. 

Side Note - There is a reason Wes Craven is known as "The Master of Horror".  His movies scare you without being OVERLY gory.  I mean they are gross but they aren't SAW...they are more give you a heart attack from suspense. And no matter how many times you see them, they give you the heebie f**king jeebies!!!

Anyways, thinking of Halloween in the 80's/90's when I was a child and a teen makes me giggle.  Things that we I did were a little, uh, different.   

1.  We had every Halloween themed McDonald's toy. Including those stupid buckets...which were WAY too small for actual trick or treating.  The McNuggets in costume...interchangeable costumes...win win.  Scooby Doo and friends, The Simpsons...and countless others.  McWTF...the happy meal toys aren't nearly as cool as they used to be, well maybe the Minions.

 





2.  Who else wore their dance costumes as Halloween costumes??? Maybe it was just my school but we had some OFF THE WALL costumes that could double as Halloween attire.  I remember dressing as a Gremlin, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Super Woman, a Flapper, etc.  I think you get the idea.  And they weren't stupid costumes.  People knew IMMEDIATELY who I was.  It was just stretchier versions of what you buy in the store...with SEQUINS!

By the way, I need a Gizmo!!!

3.  There were something like 25 "Haunted Houses" just in the NOLA area (and I VOLUNTEERED at a few).  Everyone and their Momma used to do one! And they were only $5 to go to.  Now there are maybe 3 and its $40 (with a coupon) AND its more of a "show" for adults with HIRED actors, than a scare the $hit out of little kids thing.  Bunch of pansies, kids need a good scare now and then.  How else will you learn that you should always look ahead when running from a Chainsaw wielding off duty police officer or you might run into a wall.  I'm not saying I did that...just a piece of advice.  Ahhh, Sheriff Foti's Haunted House was so much fun!

4.   Garfield and The Peanuts had the BEST Halloween specials...HANDS DOWN!
"Candy, candy, candy, candy"..."You didn't tell me you were going to kill it!"...pure amazingness!

5.  This isn't only for Halloween BUT its "horror" related...my mom used to let me stay up "late" on Saturday nights to watch Morgus the Magnificent.  It was originally from the late 50's, I think, on and off through the 80's (yay for me).  It was a NOLA thing and it was terribly cheesy but people LOVED it.  He was a crackpot "scientist" that had a lab in the old Ice House and he was part of the "Higher Order".  He would do these crazy experiments (that always went horribly wrong) while "hosting" mostly cheesy B-rated horror movies.  Some of the worst best horror movies were seen because I watched him.  Kind of like how "Mystery Science Theater 3000" introduced me to some great love to hate Sci-Fi.  

NOTE: Oh yea and one more thing.  There was none of this Trick or Treat the Saturday BEFORE Halloween because it's on a Tuesday bull$hit!  You Trick or Treat on Halloween...if you show up at my house before then I'll give your kid vomit flavored Jelly Beans.  Don't test me...that is stupid! Just because its a "school night" *grumble, grumble*.  Quit being lazy.  We did it...LIVE A LITTLE!