I think I need a detox

I know many say that when they want to lose water weight which yes that would be nice.  But in this instance I think I forgot my age and am paying for it....immensely.  

Friday - Sake

Saturday - Sangria & Wine

Sunday - Craft Beer + Red Wine

Monday - soooo much craft beer 

I don't know when I decided I was 21 again but it was the wrong decision and am swearing off Alcohol for at least a couple weeks.  

I don't generally drink a lot.  I'll have a few glasses of wine on the weekends but mostly nothing on a school night.  But this past weekend, I thought I was back at LSU. 

So it wasn't like an intentional binge.  Like the intention wasn't to get drunk.  It was just a busy bunch of social events.  Those events where you are having fun and not paying attention to how much you have consumed.  Until you have to wake up SUPER early to bring someone to a procedure and want to vomit in the parking garage. 

Plus I am at that point in my life where a hangover lasts way more than 24 hours.  I have been DYING all f**king day.  I smelled a hamburger and thought I was gonna revisit my late night steak dinner. 

I remember everything.  I didn't drive.  Pics are super cute. No bad decisions really (except killing my liver). I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since 6PM yesterday, well water and Dr. Pepper (why do I crave that when I am dying).  That is almost 30 hours at this point.  And I still feel like my insides are vibrating.  

Getting "old" SUCKS!!! 

Lying in the middle of a dark street contemplating life

Happy Lent....is that a thing...?  I mean it's more of a somber time.  But whatever it's Lent.  Which if you are even remotely catholic it means you eat seafood on Ash Wednesday and every Friday until Easter.  

This past Friday we were super excited to get some boiled seafood.  We were ready for our first batch of Crawfish & Fixins!!!  Since it's just the two of us we ordered it instead of boiling it ourselves.  

Hubs was running late from work so I went to go pick it up.  We were about to get some bad weather so I was trying to beat the rain.  

As per usual I ordered from this little hole in the wall seafood place a few min from my house.  I was in a really good mood.  I had gotten a lot done for work, done some miles, eaten a fairly healthy lunch, cleaned some of the house, ya know just very productive.  

After getting my yummy dinner I headed back to my car.  Mind you it was a really dark street (two lights were out) and it was cloudy so no moon.  I was be-bopping along when it happened.  I stepped on what I thought was gravel.  It was not...it was a pothole about 4 inches deep.  What happened next was in extreme slow motion. 

I stepped and felt the gravel give away into a hole.  My right foot went down.  My forward momentum pushed me forward causing it to twist inward.  I tried to recover but I just couldn't quite get my other foot to come forward.  Instincts kicked in and my arms flew forward to catch myself.  This meant my hand holding my bag of food released said bag of food like a sling shot.  Which went flying about 8 feet into the street.  I flew forward hitting the asphalt on my two hands and left knee.  To release the twist on my ankle I flipped over onto my back.

This happened in literal seconds but it felt like an eternity of falling.  I just laid there in the dark wet street, staring at the clouds, contemplating life.  My brain rebooted and I realized lying in the middle of a dark street was probably extremely dangerous and decided to get up.  

I ungracefully rolled onto my stomach and tried to stand.  My ankle gave out and the ground was rushing back at me when I suddenly stopped.  I looked up through my disheveled hair and realized there was a car about 4-5 feet from me with the driver door open and said driver was currently keeping me from re-face planting into the ground.  

He got me mostly standing and seemed very concerned about me.  Aside from extreme embarrassment, bleeding palms and a gangster limp I was fine.  Don't ask me how but my food somehow survived the shot put throw.  But can I tell you how hard it is to drive a standard with a busted knee and ankle?!?!?

Also, can you imagine being that driver?  Just minding your business when some little blonde throws her food at you and just lays in the middle of the street.  He probably thought I had a medical emergency or something...

Mind you I had to stop at the store after this.  I tried to hide my bloody palms & limp, but the cashier noticed and was like WTF....?

I had to SCRUB my hands to get the debris out.  I wanted to cry but I also wanted it out of my skin!  In less that a week I had blood dripping down my face and then my palms.  I am a hot mess!

We've got a bleeder!

You know how they say animals are mirrors of their owners?  Whether its in looks or personality I can see it and I am sure people see it with me and my fur babies.  

Mine just happen to also have my propensity for clumsiness!  Let me set the scene. It's a lovely FREEZING morning.  The pups are in rare form because it's cold outside.  Neither like to be cold so they both have on sweaters. 

Of course they are not listening.  So there I am still half dying, COLD, and annoyed.  As I was standing in the doorway in my PJs hoarsely yelling for them I see a tiny shadow out of the corner of my eye.  

It took off running and the pups were in hot pursuit.  I yelled and Little Bit stopped and went inside.  Speedy on the other hand had tunnel vision and chased it into some bushes.

He was fine, sniffing around the fence trying to see where it went through.  

I yelled his name again and he turned to come and then let out the most horrifying screech but then came trotting inside.  

So I started to check him to make sure he was okay when I saw a drop of blood.  But he took off running.   I started to chase him and realized he was leaving a trail of blood droplets  through the house.

He kept worming away from me.  I finally stopped him and managed to find the source.  He had a teeny tiny tear in his ear.

The issue is ITS HIS EAR.  They are SUPER Veiny.  So it's an itty bitty cut but bleeds like crazy.  

Can you imagine trying to hold a 75lb bleeding dog still long enough to stop the bleeding?!?!?!  Also, he is a dog.  Do you know what dogs do when their ears feel "weird"?

When I say my house looked like a murder scene I am not exaggerating!!!  There was blood all over him, the floor, some walls, me, and the hubs. 

We finally got it to stop bleeding and cleaned up the mess.  Then he shook again.

Blood on the TV, floor, my laptop, and rug.

Everytime we got it to stop he'd shake. 

He finally calmed down and it stopped bleeding.  So all day every time he moved I stalked him to keep him from shaking his head.  I was a frazzled mess of nerves by the end of the day.  

For 7 hours no bleeding...SEVEN HOURS.  Then hubs came home and said outside but then got distracted and wasn't watching him.  He shook his head.  It started bleeding again.

He went buy that anti bleeding powder and liquid bandage and an ear wrap.  Poor dog.  

We tried just the powder at first but he kept shaking it and bleeding again.  We got it to stop and I attacked him with liquid bandaid.  But he still kept wanting to shake it.

So he got the ear wrap....

He HATES me!  But at least I can sleep knowing he won't shake his head and bleed out while I am zonked out.

PS I did call the Vet...they told us what to do and said they couldn't do more than that since it was such a tiny cut.  

PPS One of the bushes had thorns *ahhhhhhhh*

Is the plague over yet?

No, no it isn't!  You know how I know?!!?!  Because as careful as I have been, masks, vaccine, no big crowds.... I got it!!!!!!  And it wasn't because of my carelessness.  Nooooooo.

I, being responsible, got tested before Christmas because I had been exposed at work the week before.  I was negative.  But one of my lovely anti-pandemic (as in it is a scare tactic created by the Government and isn't real) family members came to a gathering KNOWING they had been exposed.  They tested +.  

Hubs started feeling bad first, then two days later me.  I was just going to quarantine and take it easy.  But my experience involved a STABBING headache.  Not just sinus pressure, a literal sporadic Ice Pick stabbing feeling behind my ear.  It got so bad I did a tele-doc appointment.  She wouldn't give me any Rxs without getting tested so I did and SHOCKING, it was +.  I ended up with multiple Rxs because well I was pretty sick at this point.  

Honestly the worst part for me was the Sinus Pressure.  It was SOOOOOO bad, I couldn't sleep.  Plus I had fever for 3 days.  I was fried!  Turns out the stabbing pain was probably something called Occipital Neuralgia.   And I can tell you with 100% certainty I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  I thought my brain was coming out of my ear. 

Thankfully the worst of it only lasted 5 days.  I'm still wonky, tired, and not 100% but it could have been 1000 times worse.  People who keep saying "Covid is just like a bad cold" as an excuse to be careless are PISSING ME OFF.  Because yes, that is a decent description but why the f**k would you want to get a really bad cold...KNOWINGLY?!!?!  

And honestly while I've had bad colds/Flus/sinus infections, this was different.  I am mostly recovered but I am still exhausted.  And I don't regret getting vaccinated.  Because I can't imagine how AWFUL it would have been had I not been vaccinated.  I know people not vaccinated and they got it way worse than me, like long lingering symptoms.  I'm not here to judge you if you don't want the vaccine I am just saying my experience.  I just really want to NEVER experience that again.  

Each day is better so hopefully that continues!

Waterboarding with Hand Sanitizer

Being the good fur momma I am, I make sure to get the babies their annuals.  Since I had some free time, I took Speedy to get poked and probed.  

I promised lots of love and treats after and he was such a good boy.  He wasn't barking at other dogs and he laid very patiently by my feet in the waiting room.  We were finally called into the room and ready for the doc.  

Since COVID they are not doing any of the work in the exam room, so he was promptly taken to the back.  

Let me clarify that this is far from him 1st vet visit and he has NEVER had issues in the past. 

About 5 min later the Vet came in looking concerned.  She said "when the tech touched his foot to trim his nails, he started flinging his body all over".  

Dr: Was he nervous in the waiting room?

Me: No...he was laying by my feet...

Dr: Did he get anxious when you came into the room...?

Me: No he was licking the Tech and being a big goober.

Dr: Hmmmm well he's...he's not being aggressive but he's kind of freaking out and I really am concerned he's going to hurt himself or head butt one of us....

Me: Oh no, I don't want him or y'all injured!  Maybe I can try calming him down.

Dr: Sorry....I can't bc of the protocols. 

Me: *blank stare* Ok...I understand...so now what...wait did you say he freaked when she touched his foot...?

Dr: Yes......?

Me: OMG...like 7 months ago he sprained his foot and we brought him in to make sure it wasn't broken....I guess he remembers.  

Dr: o_O Okay... well I guess the next step is he needs to be sedated...but not now.  He's too hyped up.  

So she left to get the pills and I get to bring him back....Yay *plfeet*

But that's not where this story ends.  

The tech brings him back in looking like she went through a tornado. *$hit*.  She hands the leash over and immediately I am slapped in the face with the most VILE smell you can imagine.  I actually gagged. 

Me: OMG you popped your butt!

Tech: Yea....its all over me

Me: OMG OMG I am so sorry!!!  

Tech:  It shot out like a cannon.  

Then she shrugged and left. *facepalm*

So there I am...in a TINY exam room...with a giant lap dog who just expressed his anal glands wagging his tail.  

I did my best to clean him off but my supplies were limited and I was gagging with watering eyes, like full gagging and normally I have a pretty strong stomach. 

The smell.  God the smell.  It's burned into my nostrils. It wasn't the normal fishy metallic smell.  Its was PUTRID.  Like something f**king died times a million.  But I couldn't leave because I needed the pills from the Doc.  She finally came back and was like "Whoa, buddy you are really traumatized". She's trying not to gag.  I have my tee over my face and he's just happy as a clam, trying to give the vet kisses (yo WTF Dog?!?!).

As I was paying, the smell was wafting into the reception area like some invisible toxic fog (F**k me).  Other pet owners are coughing but trying not to visibly react. I swear I saw eyes watering (Jesus Magee dog what came out of you?!?!).  The tech checking me out was like "oh he expressed them didn't he." Yes...Sorry!!!! She's like "no worries...I'm sorry...you have to ride home with him" (Double F**k me!!!).

So we get into my tiny car to head home.  I have the windows down.  The air on full blast but its so strong.  Like I am going to vomit any second strong.  So I improvised.  I found my handy dandy mask and I sprayed it with fruity hand sanitizer which seemed to help-ish.  

So there I am looking like a f**king psycho driving alone in my car with a mask on and the windows down. 

Oh and every few minutes I did my best impersonation of the War Boys spraying my mask with sanitizer to burn the smell from my nostrils.  

I got home, threw him in the yard, pulled the sheets out of my car & febreezed it, left the windows down, bathed his hind quarters thoroughly, stripped down nekkid in the garage, and took the hottest shower I could stand.  

Its DAYS later and I swear I can still smell it *gag*. 

WTF am I watching!?!?!?

I've seen all the Sharknados.  Remember Cheesy Sci-fi is my jam!!!! But what the actual f**k am I watching?????

So we Time Travel to the Jurassic period.  Fin is chasing a f**kig t-rex looking thing with a bag with the head of something in it.  A Megladon looking thing JUMPS onto land and eats the f**king T-Rex.

But wait there's more.  Fin is in the truck looking at a HOLOGRAM of his kid basiaclly saying he's the ONLY HOPE and needs to stop the FIRST sharknado.  Hello Obi-wan....What?!?!?!?!

Oh and April is there....not dead.  She learned how to fly a f**king dino and calls it...wait for it... TARA!!  Are you serious?!?!?!?!!?

Then they are riding a freaking dino IN THE SHARKNADO to stop it.

Fin jumps on a flying shark to 'save humanity' and says "its feeding time" Oh.My.God!!!!

This is the first 10 minutes.  Its awful.  I love it!!!!!!!!!!

I can't y'all...I just can't....

Wait wait wait...its a "Time-nado" and he says "let's do the time warp again" and I'm just dying on my couch.

JFC Morganna is...not that there is anything wrong with that but...WTF is happening..she..he...no definitely she...OMG?!?!!?

That's it I am "live blogging" this $hit.

They just met Merlin and its Neil Degrasse Tyson!!!!!

He's carrying his wife's robot head in a bag...I am done.

"A little less needy and a little more...knight-y"

Dragon sharks...why......why.....WHY!

Medieval Sharknado.....

Did she...did she just say "I'm melting" ?!?!?!

They got catapulted into the future.....

The British are coming...pahahahaha

The sharks are coming...I'm dead

The British are throwing flying sharks at us....

F**king Ben Stein is Hamilton...JFC

We won the revolution by blowing up a sharknado....

A chocolate blast from the past...really?!?!?

Go ahead shark my day....

"I'm not gonna take this anymore" - Dee Snyder

She's shooting laser beams from her eyes!!!!

Tori Spelling??!!?  What?!?!

Oh my GOD THIS IS THE CHEESIEST EVER!!!!!!

Is that...is that a Brady?!?!?!  Like Peter f**king Brady?!?!?!  I can't....

"My name is Nova Clark, you killed my grandfather...prepare to die". really?!!??!?!?

This CGI is AMAZING!!!!!

Is he going to lasso a shark to get speed...no...NO...ahahahahahaha

They time jumped to 20013....

Flying robo shark?!?!?!  How...who created that thing?!?!!?

How did they keep straight faces while filming this!??!?!

Jesus Christ its f**king Corpse Bride...hahahhaa

Emotionally deranged easy bake oven...pahahahaha

Crazy clone April froze Sky in "Carbonite" she went full Star Wars.

And she went full Sith Lord...Lightening form the fingers and all....

Physics....Physics...phyyyyyysssssiiiiccccccssssss

"Great Scott" I mean this whole movie has been a bad BTTF pun...right?!?!?! 

He got hit by the f**king kitchen sink!!!!

He kissed a head in a shark mouth!!!!

We end at the beginning...they went all Harry Potter on us!!!

Please tell me he gets eaten by a shark giving this speech!!!!

Damn...hahahahahahaah

The Zombies are coming, the zombies are coming!!!

I can tell you with 100% certainty that if I got an alert at 1:45 AM about "Extreme Zombie Activity" and I had no power, I would have a minor panic attack until my brain woke up. 

How does that happen?!!??! Link

"There are now far less than seven-thousand-three-hundred-eighty customers involved due to extreme zombie activity,"

SHUT UP!  That cannot be real?!!?!?

OMG!

Seriously though...you get that and you are half asleep...possibly dreaming about zombies (it happens...shoosh)

Conclusion, a Walking Dead hacker thinks he/she is f**king hilarious!!!!!


Favorite line: “I want to reiterate that Lake Worth does not have any zombie activity currently and apologize for the system message,” Ben Kerr said.

Spiders are such @$$holes!!!

While I am not deathly afraid of our 8 legged little friends, they can startle me...especially if they are on the larger side. 

I haven't seen many in our house.  Usually they are outside or very very tiny.  We do home defense so very few creepy crawlers actually make it inside *whew*.

I was home sick the other day.  Freaking stomach bug.  I thought I was going to DIE!  It was...it was bad.  Nothing was staying in like it was supposed to.

Moving on.  I was sitting on my windowsill in my office talking to my boss while trying not to die.  We hung up and I kinda just sat there...completely worn out.  When suddenly I see something brown about the size of a silver dollar running towards me quickly. 

I almost $hit myself...LITERALLY.  I screamed and jumped out the way, it turned and ran towards me again *screeeech* "Mother F**ker!!!!"

I found the closest thing to me (a notebook) and slammed it down.  *lift* *peek* that f**ker started running at me again! 

Apparently notebook + carpet doesn't kill mutant spiders.  So I ripped out a piece of paper and used my hand to squish.  *lift* *peek* It started moving towards me on like 3 legs.  "Oh COME ON!"

I ground that b**ch into the carpet! Success *happy dance* *stomach rolled and dropped* "uh oh". 

I don't know what kind of spider it was but based on the "aggression", I am concerned.  Usually house spiders run away from you not towards you!!! 

But I guess you never know.  I checked my desk for a web/nest but I didn't see anything. 

I am happy to leave house spiders alone...they kill other critters for me but I'd rather the venomous ones went elsewhere *shudder*. 

I think I bruised my uterus

Is that even possible?  And no I am not talking about rough sex, get your mind out the gutter. 

So I am clumsy, that is evident...but I am also coordinated enough to dance pretty good, run without falling, and climb trees.  I think I am really two different people smashed into one body.  Wait...

Anyways, so yesterday was like any other day at the office.  We completed a huge project where we organized a ton of stuff for a large client.  No really, HUGE project...it took us over a week to complete.  Anyways, the stuff was in two decent sized boxes each weighing about 20-25 lbs which I was to deliver today.  So yesterday afternoon myself and another lady hauled the two boxes down the stairs and to my car.  We did it because the big burly men in our office were conveniently MIA. 

Moving on, I was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and black pumps...my friend was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and gray pumps (trust me this is important...mostly).  As we were headed to the stairs she stumbled into a wall but caught herself *whew*, so she took off her shoes (if there was EVER a f**king red flag waving this was it).  I did not remove my shoes and headed VERY CAREFULLY down the stairs.  I made it to the bottom without issue *woo hoo*.  What happened next can only be described  as...comical...painful but comical.  

- I opened the door by leaning on it and held it open for my friend
- She stepped out, I let the door close
- We both stepped forward towards the curb
- My right heel went in between two sections of concrete (I didn't realize this)
- My left foot was planted and I went to step with my right
- It didn't move...
- I pitched forward
- But there was no foot to put down

- My weight was on my left foot so I couldn't step forward to catch myself
- Add in an extra 20+ lbs...I didn't stand a chance "ha"
- The heel snapped
- I flew forward at an incredible speed
- The box hit the ground
- I hit the box full on with my torso
- The box EXPLODED under my weight and the momentum
- My hands eventually hit the concrete (ow)
- My face went INTO the box (Ow!)
- My legs went up and almost over my head (OW! guess I'm a little flexible)
- They slammed back down, driving both my knees into the concrete curb (have I mentioned OW!!!!)
- I rolled off the box onto my butt and started laughing hysterically wondering WTF just happened.

My friend was so shocked she couldn't talk.  It happened so fast!  Finally she said "Oh my god! Are you...are you okay?!?!" My response...

 

Truthfully I felt ZERO pain at that point (yay for adrenaline). 

**FLASH FORWARD 3 HOURS**

I am laying on my couch with a heating pad.  I took 2 Advil and am watching horror movies on Netflix.  My knees and wrists are mostly fine.  But now that the adrenaline is gone I can feel the strained muscle in my shoulder blade area, my jaw is tender (I think I clanked my teeth together), my abs feel like I went through 5 rounds with Ali, and I am 99% certain I have at least two slightly bruised ribs.

I can say without a doubt the box saved me.  Had I fallen without the box my wrists and knees would have bared the brunt of the fall, possibly resulting in broken bones and I may not have been able to stop my face from slamming into the concrete.  So I am fine...I lost my favorite pair of black pumps but I am still mostly intact. 

Side Note - I am supposed to run a half on Saturday...a Half...like 13.1 miles.  I got this...I think...ha....

Someone is having a little too much fun with the Juke Box!

Things you expect when with FAMILY at a FAMILY style restaurant:

1. Generic food...Pizza, Burgers, etc.
2. Loud @$$ people/kids
3. Beer
4. Music...Top Ten Pop Chart stuff
5. Games for Kids
6. Unnecessary calories but an all around good time

Things you do not expect when with FAMILY at a FAMILY style restaurant:

1. Having a conversation with your Father in Law and hearing "B**ch better have my money"
2. Laughing it off as an oops only to have it followed by "Let's Talk About Sex"...Ummm let's not.  Helloooooo Father in Law AND children...just NO!
3. Having the teeninsy waitress in her too short shorts and cut up tee lean between you and said in law while you are talking.  Hello boobies at eye level.  Um excuse me miss can you move those, all I can see is pop in law's eyes and its weird...thanks
4. Talking with other family members only to hear "And you're screaming give it to me baby
Give it to me mother f**ker" *jaw drop* I know its loud in here but if I heard it, others did....right?  Not really.  They were all caught up in conversations but looking around the restaurant you could tell who heard it because they all had the same look as me...*WTF* My bro in law just put his head down and was snorting with laughter.
5. Telling the waitress who apologizes profusely and goes in the back.  20 minutes later "Mommy what's Truffle Butter"...oh God that is SO wrong coming from a child!  We didn't hear the song because we were talking...

I think at this point we all died a little.  The song itself is innocent to innocent ears BUT ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! So mommy did what any mommy would do.  She LIED through her teeth.

"Oh, baby Truffle Butter is a...a delicacy" 
*snickering from the rest of us* *glare from mom* 
"As I was saying.  Its a Delicacy.  Something really only rich people can afford."
*turning red with effort of NOT laughing* *more glaring* 
"So that is why he's singing about it.  He's, um, rich now and its something he can enjoy".  
At this point the 15 year old loses it and it saying "ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!!!!".
We are all shocked...how do you know?!?!?!  Right...15...internet...'nuff said 
They covered it well, "What?  I don't think I like truffles".  Nice save little one. 

I don't think he bought it.  God help us if he remembers this when he is older and loud caps us all for attempting to maintain his innocence.

If you don't know what "Truffle Butter" is...Urban Dictionary it...USE CAUTION...I think it scarred me for LIFE!

Side Note - GROSS!!! That is how you get weirdo infections in your nether regions...don't do that!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say after that the music went off and didn't come back...at least not while we were there....

When I said I thoguht the devil was cute, I was talking about the actor!!! Not the actual devil!!! Please remove this curse!

Right so in a previous post I was rambling on about my crush on "the devil" but not really the devil...an ACTOR playing him on a TV Show.  Apparently the part where I said "NOT ACTUALLY THE DEVIL" was lost when some of the divine were reading my blog and they decided to punish me.

We did a travel race recently and thought "whooohoo excuse for a girls weekend".

Everything was fine.  We had some adult beverages and decided to do a buffet for dinner.  Buffets are usually a waste on me because I don't eat THAT much but what the heck, why not...?

A few of us went straight for the snow crabs...mmmmmm snow crabs.  They were delicious.  There was also boiled shrimp, prime rib, calamari, oysters, clams, scallops, pad thai, sushi (um no thanks...buffet...just...no), etc etc etc.  We were having fun and chatting and drinking (water/cokes at this point).  30-45 min later everyone started eating dessert but I wasn't in the mood (this is normal...I don't eat many sweets).  Mid-sentence I got the absolute worst stabbing pain I have EVER had.  I literally just stopped talking.  Then it passed.  Okay...that was weird...moving on.  A few minutes later it happened again...lasted longer but then passed. "Hmmmm what is wrong with me...?" Attributing it to "NOLA Gurl never eats this much" I ignored it (bad idea).  It happened again...SO BAD I white knuckle gripped the table and closed my eyes.  I thought I was going to pass out from pain.  My friends were like...dude you okay?  No...no...I think...I think I need to pop off to the potty for a tic.  Everything I ate was just dying to make a reappearance.  They were all done so they opted to go back to the room with me before we headed to our next destination.

I wasn't dying but I felt...off...and I was terrified of what the next "knife in the gut, rolling nausea" pain would bring with it.  As we are going up in the elevator one of my other friends stopped mid sentence and bent over in pain..."Uh oh".  She did not fare as well as me with the "OMG someone is stabbing me from the inside" pain (told you I have a high pain threshold).  No...no...she was about to....have a moment in the elevator.

It was like a childbirth moment.  "Sweetie breathe, breathe.  Okay you are fine...you're fine", *crying out in pain*, "you've got this...just 3 more floors" *to the other friend* "get the key out, NOW!".  We couldn't run down the hall because...just trust me when I say, that would have been unwise.

We barely made it into the room.  While one of us "died" in the bathroom, the rest of us just hung out in the common area with the TV up loud, for privacy purposes. I was not doing well sitting there but we only had one bathroom...*deep breath* you can wait.  Suddenly you hear "y'all *gasp* I think I might be dying!"  

By this point I am sweating and pale. *whoosa, whoosa*

"I'm fine...feel great...yep..." Yea no!  She came out just in time for me to bolt in there, I couldn't "breathe" my way through the pain anymore.

After my friend's second bout of dying in the bathroom the following occurred:

Me: Okay, so we are, uh, staying in...good, that's good.
Friend 1:  I need pepto, *groan* flopping onto the bed
Friend 2: Yea, I think that would be wise, y'all don't look too good
Me: *taking off leggings to put on my PJs* Right, I'll text the others and...
*running with leggings around my ankles and just a cami* 
*tripping over the leggings* 
*slamming into the wall* 
*crawling into the bathroom* 
*barely made it to the toilet*

***5 minutes later*** 

Friend 2: NOLA Gurl, you need to get out the bathroom, NOW!
Me: *in a sing song voice* I caaaaaan't , I'm having issssuuuuuessss *stabbing pain* *gag* *groan*
Friend 1: I can't, I can't hold this in *starting to cry* it hurts so much
Friend 2: *screaming* NOLA Gurl, we have a PROBLEM!!!
Me: *dying* * just straight up dying*
Friend 2: Weeeeellll there is a trash can in here
Friend 1: Ha! *gag* *groan* don't make me laugh...
Me: *sobbing* it just...it just won't stop! 

This went on for hours.  It was like a gladiator match trying to get to the bathroom.

We cuddled with each other on the bed, moaning in pain, and watching videos on a phone until we fell asleep (sort of).  I mean who wants to fall into a deep sleep when there is a chance you could puke or $hit yourself before you get to the f**king bathroom 

So we are 99% sure we had some type of food poisoning but we can't figure out what we ate differently. 

UPDATE - we think it was the snow crabs.  They were dumping the fresh ones on top of the older ones...we think ours were from the bottom...who knows how long there were there...o_O