"Attack" on the porch at night

It’s been a rainy few days here.  Like literally monsooning constantly.  So instead of two pools days for the holiday weekend.  We had zero.  ZERO pool days.  That should be illegal.  

Well one of the two days we still went hang out with our peeps.  We had bbq….inside, had some adult beverages and tried to make the best of a crappy day. 

We headed home disappointed but still happy for the bonding time.  As we walked up to the door holding our unused bathing suits I realized leaving the porch light on was not the best idea. 

I knew we would be home after dark so I left it on but I didn't think about little flying annoyances (termites) which were swarming on our porch (GREAT).  

Hubs was like ok, I'ma open the door and we run in. 

So he starts swinging his arm above his head to clear them a bit before opening the door.  I was about a foot or two behind him hands full. 

When suddenly large-ish shadow came flying at me a slapped into my shoulder.  It was dark enough that I had ZERO idea what it was. 

My first thought was "F*******K a bug who shall not be named!" As I started to raise my hand to swat it off of me...it ran up my neck into my hair.

Cue me LITERALLY dropping everything and freaking the f**k out! Screaming "get it off, get it off, get it ooooofff!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in increasingly more high pitched notes.

My panic subsided enough to realize the legs weren't bug like...but soft and sticky.  So I paused my freakout. 

That's when a small reptile face peaked over my forehead and jumped to the garage door. It was a GECKO!!!! He was easily the length of my hand. Which I know I have small hands but that's still a BIG gecko!

As I stood there disheveled and frazzled hubs says"It's really not that big of a deal". 

This mother f**ker here!

What does this mean?!?!?





























Yo Harvey, get to going!

I mean look at that "forecast".  The spaghetti lines all have him making landfall near Corpus Christi, spinning around in circles, and then darting over Louisiana.

That B**ch is saying "weeeeee. F U Tejas!!!!" and then drowning LA.

No, Just No...JUST NO.

Also, last night "Tropical Depression Harvey might show some signs of development before landfall".  

Early this morning "Harvey is now a Tropical storm and could get stronger".

Later this morning "The waters off of Corpus Christi Texas are 87 degrees...its too warm. Harvey could develop quickly before landfall tomorrow."

Around 10:15 AM, "Harvey could be a Cat 3 before landfall".

MOTHER F**KER!  Yea he's going in, in TX but holy cannoli we are forecast to get a $hit ton of rain next week.  Also, I have loved ones in Texas...do not stall over Texas!!!

**UPDATE** I am so so so scared for my family and friends in Texas.  This thing is a Cat 4 and moving slow.  Please please please stay safe y'all!!!!

I got nature in my eye!

So I am not a girly girly girl.  I like dressing up and being pretty sometimes but I also like playing in the garden, camping, and dancing in the rain.  Which is why when I am told there are TRAIL RUNS, I am usually one of the 1st to sign up.  I love them.  I love running but trail runs are so fun!!!  Its not your typical run.  You aren't on asphalt.  You are in the woods, by a stream, enjoying nature.  Until nature turns on you and you wonder what on EARTH you were thinking!!!

So getting back from vacay where you are eating horribly and NOT exercising and then doing a race is probably not the best idea.  Make that race a trail run and I feel like you are just asking for trouble.  That is what I did.  But I was ready to get back into the swing of running.  At the @$$ crack of dawn we headed out.  We'd been checking the weather.  Two days before 20% chance of rain, day before 30% chance of rain, night before 45% chance of rain (hmmmm), day of 60% chance of rain (ummmm), arriving at the race 90% chance of rain (well f**k).

Hmmm that looks ominous...but we live in the South...that's a summer shower...it'll blow over...

 

  So we continued on...then this happened

I'm pretty sure we just drove through a water spout...HALP!  Shut-up! It'll blow over!!!!

We get to the race and pre-race selfie...

Ooooo f**k you, what is BEHIND us?!?!!?  It's moving south....*whew*...that is moving AWAY from us.  It'll be fine...we'll be fine...its FINE!  But just in case we left our phones and earbuds in the car...ya know to be safe.

So we get to the start line and the guy on the PA is like "I know we are supposed to start at 8 but since people were delayed because of weather we are delaying the start time slightly but not too much"...K. 

8:09: "The lightening you are seeing is moving away from us, no need for concern, we will start soon.  The trail is clear, a little muddy, only a few spots maybe ankle deep water"...ummmm kaaaay, I mean I am a little concerned...its wet and I am about to be in the woods!

8:15ish: "Ummmm, weather reports show some storms over the lake and NOLA East.  They are, uh, moving in a South Easterly direction....so, uh, yea basically they are moving right towards us *nervous laugh*.  We will start shortly".  WTF?!?!?

8:19: *star spangled banner* starts playing. It ends.  The thunder crashes so loud my teeth clanked, the sky opens up in a deluge and we hear a *horn*.  Seriously?!?!?!  We are starting now?!?!?! 

So we went.  All 200 or so of us took off running INTO the woods.  I don't mind running in the rain, keeps ya cool.  Well me and my bestie are a giggling mess running and dodging branches when we hear *screaming* up ahead.  Ummmm, no bueno...what is happening.  We come around a bend and there is literally a STREAM flowing across the trail.  Ankle deep my @$$ that is over that girls shins!!!!  Can't go over it...can't go around it...gotta go through it...and "holy f**king $hit that is cold!!!".  Once that was done we were like "oh, mud is fine, this is fine, we are fine.  A little rain wont kill us" *thunder crash* "$hit".  We go a little further and the ENTIRE TRAIL is knee deep water.  Hmmmm I mean it must just be this section...right?!?  .5 mile in and people are turning around.  What should we do?!? "We aren't p***y's, we got this!" 1 mile in, STILL IN KNEE DEEP WATER.  WTF were we thinking?!?!?!  This is a 5k!!!  Holy mother of f**k, I'm gonna die.  We are in SOUTH LOUISIANA...what if there is a gator or a snake or just a raging f**king creek...*lightening streaks overhead*.  OMG hold my hand, I might wash away!!!  Oh yea and its STILL RAINING.

So yea, 3.1 miles of wading through water...in the rain...in the lightening...IN THE WOODS.  There was maybe .1 miles of just mud.  The rest was just below knee deep to OMG I think that touched my vag, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 

That was not a trail run...that was a trail swim.  I had mud, twigs, NATURE in the most unusual places.  We were soaked to the bone.  We were cold.  It took us 1:20 to finish a 5k!!!!!!! I usually do a 5k in 35 min or less. 

Should we have run it...probably not.  But hey now we have a funny story to tell, ha...ha...ha *sigh*. 

Don't drive in a tornado or tornado like weather...its a bad idea...just don't do it!

Okay so we all know this right?  I mean I know this.  The problem is when you don't know how bad the weather is gonna be and you are already driving. 

So I met some friends in from out of town for drinks.  I knew bad weather was coming in overnight but not till after midnight, so I could leave by 10PM and be fine, right?  WRONG!

Right at 10 I started getting alerts on my phone, hmmmm odd.  Then I got a text from my mom...then from my hubs...then from my Godmother all about the impending weather...Uh oh, what is going on?!?  I pull up the weather map and there is a solid wall of red about 70 miles WNW of my house...should be at my house in 45 min - 1hour.  CRAP! Takes me 20 min to get home... Must leave NOW.  As if on cue a bolt of lightening so bright it lit up the entire area streaked across the sky, followed a bit after by a crash of thunder so loud it literally shook the building.  We were on the 2nd floor...it was f**king scary. 

Okay, I must leave 10 minutes ago.  I tried to rush our waitress but she was petrified and took FOREVER with my check.  Those precious minutes are gonna bite me in the @$$ aren't they..?

So I FINALLY left.  Minimal rain and wind but the light show that was happening...have you seen War of the Worlds?  That's what was f**king going on!

I was doing good.  At the rate I was going I should make it home WELL before the worst of it hits.  And then you factor in other drivers who are MORONS! So apparently what you are supposed to do in a lightening storm (little rain/wind) is slow down to a crawl while driving across a waterway and STARE at the f**king insanity happening all around you. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  That isn't what you do.  You f**king drive because you don't want to be on the god blessed road when the bottom falls out!!!!!!!!!

So that was what happened.  I was half way across the bridge when Armageddon occurred.   The rain started coming down harder and harder.  The wind kicked up a bit but it was manageable.  We were all going maybe 40 MPH with flashers on.  You couldn't see much except when the lightening lit everything up.  This was 100% unnerving because we were over WATER and couldn't see $hit! 

Then it happened.  My phone went bat$hit crazy.  The radio went bat$hit crazy.  There were Emergency Alerts coming from basically everywhere.  Seek shelter NOW!  Where am I gonna find shelter I am on a f**king bridge?!?!!?

Before the reality of the situation could sink in a solid wall of white...water...rain...something...came CRASHING over the bridge from my left. I didn't hit the brakes, I just took my foot off the gas, I am fairly certain I screamed like a crazy person, and I prayed to anyone listening.  The wind was insane, the rain was insane, my car went from the left lane to the right lane....and then it was mostly over.  WTF?!?!!?  All the cars around me were stopped.  We all slowly started going again...before I knew it we were all going about 70 *f**k this $hit* MPH to get off the damn bridge. 

Clearly I am alive and made it home safely.  I can't believe I drove in that.  After the debacle at the restaurant I should have just stayed at my friend's house until after midnight. 

Lesson - Weather forecasts are just guesses...they have a 50/50 shot of getting it right.  This was moving WAY faster than they thought...I should have known better and just stayed put.

Louisiana - [loo-ee-zee-an-uh] noun, 1. a state in the S United States. 48,522 sq. mi. - 2. a place where you can go from BURN BAN to FLASH FLOOD in less than 24 hours

How does that happen?!?  Remember those Hurricane things I spoke about before?  Yea one of those (well what is left of one of those) was reeking havoc over our state (Texas too).   So a few days ago it was so dry that watering my plants daily was a necessity and yesterday I had to dump out the potted ones because they were over flowing with water.  Well I dumped them AFTER I located them.  

You see the tropical @$$hat that came through was not fun.  She (yes she...her name was Patricia) took the liberty of crossing from the Pacific side of Mexico, up into Texas and across most of Louisiana.  She had winds gusting like a low grade hurricane.  She dumped 4" of rain in my parish in less than 3 hours.  She woke me up at 5AM because the severe weather alerts were going off every 5 minutes.  She caused me to almost be late to a family thing because I was scared to leave my house after the tornado sirens went off.  She almost stranded me in another city because the way back home was FLOODED! 

I was not a happy camper.  I made it home, yes.  But once I was there I had to deal with spotty cable/internet, flickering lights, nervous animals, and damaging winds.  About 20 minutes AFTER I got home I realized my Halloween decor was probably MIA.  So here I am...in the dark...in the rain...in wind gusting 30+ MPH...looking for Styrofoam Headstones.  I found them *muahahaha* in the bushes and down the street...whoohoo.  Apparently Pat didn't want me to find them because in retaliation the winds blew so hard I literally slammed face first into my front door. 

B**CH!

Nursing my sore front side I decided to watch some Treehouse of Horror only to miss more than half of it thanks to interruptions for crazy psycho weather updates and an Amber Alert (he was found *whew*).  So as we were sent back to the stone-age (damn you mother nature!!!), the winds kicked up again and the rain abused  my house...I just sat in the dark, reading a book by lantern and hoping this stupidity would end soon.  The pups had to pee so I let them out and was immediately catapulted into an azalea and a rose bush.  Seriously this b**ch here wanted to hurt me!  WTF man?!!?! I woke up today (a bit sore and scratched) to find out we had more than 10 inches of rain in less than 24 hours.  Most of my plants were on the other side of the yard and completely tattered...did we have f**king tornado?!?!? Oh and one entrance to my hood was flooded. 

So as I've mentioned before I HATE HURRICANES....even if they aren't hurricanes when they get to us...they still big donkey *expletive*!

So I think the apocolypse started...

I mean we've had crazy weather before but recent storms took the cake!  I am semi okay with bad weather like a Hurricane because we have time to prep (I don't like them but I can mentally ready myself for the possible aftermath) but when its sudden, it is so much more terrifying!!!  There was a memorial service for someone I know very well.  All hell broke loose while in said service.  Can I just say the lights going out during one of these is a bit unsettling...and I've read we weren't the only ones that had this lovely experience...INSANITY!

So the day started okay.  Get ready, drive into town.   We knew some nastiness was headed our way but we apparently didn't know HOW bad it would be.  As we pulled up to the church there was a slight drizzle starting..."oh shoot, lets get inside". . . it went downhill quickly from there.  As we were talking to our family and friends I felt our phones buzzing like crazy.  We went to the restroom and realized our family that is a bit north and west of where we were was freaking out.  Apparently a tornado touched down in that city and chaos ensued.  Schools were pulling kids into hallways, offices were locking the doors and "hunkering down", there was hail and power was out all over.  "Oh $hit!" We told them where we were and they basically said "stay put, it is BAD!"

As we made our way back to the others we were discussing how insane that is.  We were telling one of our peeps what was going on when our phones started buzzing again.  WTH!?!?  It was our "parish" emergency response system.  "Seek shelter immediately.  Possible Tornado.  Strong winds. Hail."  Oh no, our poor dogs!!!  So I texted my neighbor to see if he was home.  He wasn't but he said his house alarm went off ...something about his garage door.  He asked our other neighbor that was home to check on our houses.  His response "I will once the weather passes.  There are straight-line winds, sideways rain, I'm in the bathtub.  It looks like a white out and like it is midnight." (it was 10AM)  At this point WE are starting to get nervous.  People are running into the church soaked and windblown.  It is beginning to get nasty by us too.  Very quickly the windows darkened.  It wasn't like "hey it is cloudy out" it was more like "hey, who turned out the lights." (count the shadows) You could hear the wind picking up and rain pelting the church.  We are telling some peeps at the service what was happening in our hood when "BANG" a loud, almost explosion and the lights went out.  "F**k!" (no one said it but we were all thinking it).  Then the generator kicked on. . .but you see it only powers SOME of the lights.  Like enough to see so it was still a little dark.  There was a lot of nervous laughter and talking.  People were still making their way to the service (soaked) while the priest was lighting candles. 

As we were about to start, whispering amongst the attendees is increasing and more phones are buzzing.  Apparently it was now flooding outside.  People were scrambling trying to get to their cars BEFORE water gets in them and others are calling to say they can't get to the church because of high waters and wind.  *memories of our flood flashing in my head*  Finally we begin.  The wind is steadily howling, debris (not just rain) is slamming into the church.  And then pretty much every phone in the place went off (Emergency Response System does NOT follow the phone on silent rule...it overrides it).  Well that was a terrifying "seek shelter" message..."F**k!" again thought NOT said aloud.  Dead silence, we start the service again and then *bang, bang, bang*.  Doors are flying open.  Not all but more than one.  We are talking HEAVY wooden and steal doors being BLOWN open.  *jfc, okay lets just ignore it* So we all just sang and prayed and remembered (distraction was helpful).  By the time we left the worst of it was over.  But the evidence of what went through was ever present.  Power lines down, tree limbs all over, trash cans everywhere, trees snapped in half, so much DEBRIS...it looked like a weather war zone.

When we finally got home it was to terrified animals BUT our house was okay.  Lots of debris and only a partial tree down in the yard (whew).   Apparently winds were clocked at around 60-70MPH near mi casa and over a 100MPH not far from where we were.  Are you kidding me!?!?!?

The ONLY times that happens down here is during a hurricane...at least that used to be the case but lately (like in the last 3 years) this is more common.  We don't get tornadoes...that only happens in the Midwest. . . RIGHT?!!?!?  Yea WRONG.  A while back I was awakened by our ERS going off at 4AM right as the SIRENS went off.  "Good morning, WTF!?!?"  The sky is falling chicken little...no really...seriously GTFI (Get the F**k In)...this is NOT a drill.  Maybe I need a sign that says "the end is near".  Who wants to build an Ark/Sky boat?

Jesus take the wheel!

White knuckle driving doesn't even begin to describe my drive into work today.  I should have worked remote but it looked like it was clearing up so I drove in. . .BIG MISTAKE!

I waited to leave because there was a monsoon at my house and I knew the front of my hood would be flooded (I live in a swamp...a re-purposed swamp but still a swamp).  I checked the radar and figured it would be safe to venture out.  Look I don't mind driving in the rain, I mind other drivers who apparently never took physics.  The radar looked okay at 6:40AM...this was the Radar at 7:30AM...*waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

Aside from the blinding rain, my biggest concern was seeing so many vehicles on the side of the road.  I am not talking about pulled over for safety...I am talking about vehicles in the trees and against the guard rails.  Which I guess shouldn't be surprising since people apparently drive either 20 mph or 90 mph in the rain...there is no in between.
"Oh my god stop tailing me!"
"How are you driving that fast in this?!?!"
"How can you see the freaking road!"
"Holy $hit! At least put your flashers on if you are going to go that slow."

Of course the torrential downpour puddled on the interstate causing my car to randomly yell at me. *ding, ding, ding* *hydroplaning light flashing*
"yes, ol girl I know we are skidding!"
*ding ding ding* "Then f**king slow down!" 
"Don't tell me how to drive!"
*ding ding ding* "b**ch!"

Aside from the sheets of rain, the f**king angels were playing with strobe lights.  I swear a rave was going on in the sky.  *techno music playing* Once it struck the tree line next to me I decided the angels are on a bad trip and I REALLY should have just stayed home!  #angelsared**ks

It got even better as I got closer to my exit and traffic came to a standstill.  I mean who doesn't just LOVE sitting on the interstate in basically a hurricane while emergency vehicles blow past on the shoulder making your car have a seizure.  Hmmm, I wonder if the person in the wreck was going 90MPH...

6th, 1st Date (I'm starting to lose count)

I'm on a streak...another good date, YAY!

Wow, I was not expecting to have so much fun. Okay, so I met this guy online (don't judge). We talked via social network site for a while, then I decided to give him my number. So we been talking on the phone and via text for a couple weeks. He seemed really nice, easy to talk to...and based on his pics kinda cute. My only reservation(s): I met him online, he works as a Manager at a home improvement store even though he has a degree and there was one physical thing (superficial I know but it stood out) he has a large forehead... but he still looked cute. Anyways so he finally asked me to go out this weekend.

After dinner at dads I went meet him for a movie. Tropic Thunder...HAHAHAHAHA so wrong in so many ways but Oh so funny!!!!! Anyways when he walked up I was like, why hello there; he was all stylish looking, very attractive. And he is REALLY tall. I had on 4 inch heels, and I came up to his shoulders, hahaha, I am so freaking short. Anyways we watched the movie and it was nice. He held my hand about half way through the movie. He seems very affectionate, I dunno it's just a vibe I got. Well after the movie we went hang out for a little while at this bar/grille, had a couple drinks and chatted.

We talked...ALOT. Just random things, ya know getting to know each other I guess. Well anyways, I completely lost track of time and before I knew it, it was 8:45. I had to go home, I have work early in the AM. We walked outside and were standing under this awning thing. We were waiting to see if the tropical storm going on outside would slack up enough for us to get to our cars. So we talked a little more and I shivered because it was quite windy and damp. So he put his arms around me and hugged me and it was really nice (I could just be attention starved but thats a whole other issue to blog about, haha). So we were standing there and I looked up and I think he was about to kiss me and both of us cracked up laughing because we heard the music from inside. It was Nelly, stepped on my J's...it just didn't fit with the moment.

Well we finally decided to make a dash for the cars, it had slacked up a bit but it was still a fairly steady drizzle. So we get to my car and I throw my purse and all inside. Well of course I am going to hug him and tell him good night he took me to the movies and drinks, I at least gotta say night. So I did and I looked up to say goodnight/thanks and this time he did kiss me :). And I must say, he was the best thus far. It was very romantic, I mean, WOW. So there we were just kissing...in the rain. Talk about getting lost in the moment. Anyways we finally said goodbye and I looked like a drowned rat but thats besides the point, haha. And I couldn't stop smiling, I wasn't supposed to like him, it was just a "sure why not, lets go on a date". I didn't plan on kissing him goodnight, that's not a guaranteed thing on a first date. Well after talking for a couple hours I kinda hoped we might but I totally didn't plan on it especially since it was raining.

So there ya go. I checked something off my must do before I die list, have a romantic kiss with a cute guy in the rain, hehehe. So all in all, I am thinking good date!