That stick seemed angry

Maybe I shouldn't visit exotic tropical places?!?! I made it through the 8 days vacation with no more injuries.

It was the absolute most amazing time.  I love traveling.  I love immersing myself in other cultures.  

One of my favorite quotes from the ninth doctor "Time travel is like visiting Paris: You can't just read the guidebook. You need to throw yourself in! Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get charged double and end up kissing complete strangers! Or is that just me?"

I remember the first time I watched that episode.  And that quote.... THAT quote resonated with me.  I realized he was so right.  Don't just be a tourist, learn and appreciate where you are visiting!  I am not bilingual but I will learn enough to communicate.  I will try.  I will embarrass the $hit out of myself but it always...ALWAYS seems to make the locals smile with appreciation. 

Anyways moving on.  This fantastic 

(hehehehe) trip was coming to an end.  I didn't fall or have anything else happen.  On our last day it was STORMING all afternoon.  During a break in the weather we ventured out to our last dinner.  It was still a little misty but nothing bad.  It was late-ish though, so the sun was set.  As I am walking up to the restaurant I step over a stick.  

The stick MOVED!!!!!!!!!  

I jumped over the stick and ran into the doorway.  Mind you the country we were in...everything was open air so no door.  This guy grabs me and says "Que Pasa, chica?"  I tried and blanked on saying snake in Spanish so I just said "Uh...snake..."

Meanwhile hubs is on the bricks for the garden with his flashlight out.  The guy gets super excited and runs out to see it.  The hostess said "Que pasa senorita?" I said "Uh snake...."  She jumps onto a chair and says "Donde, donde!?!??!"  I said "Uhhh afuera".  She crosses herself and says  "Ay dios mio!!!!"

The guy and my sig other come back in and the guy says "I...I no....no vi. Uhhh ok ok.  I no see if it was uhhh... if it was a no bueno snake, comprende?"  Si si...pero esta muy grande, verdad??   

He starts laughing and says "Si, pero I think...I don't think it was venomous." Then hubs says I dunno.  It seemed pissed.  It struck at her shoe when she jumped.  

The guy goes "No $hit!" and says "señorita tienes mucha suerte".  

So yea... on my LAST NIGHT in paradise I almost stepped on (possibly venomous) snake...in the rain heading to dinner.  Thankfully I apparently jump high and had on THICK rubber shoes.  

Side Note - the rest of dinner the guy who happened to be our waiter teased me RELENTLESSLY! 

NOTE NOTE - Please don't come at me for the Spanish.  I knew what they were saying in the moment but couldn't remember word for word so had to improvise so if its wrong its on me. 

I got nature in my eye!

So I am not a girly girly girl.  I like dressing up and being pretty sometimes but I also like playing in the garden, camping, and dancing in the rain.  Which is why when I am told there are TRAIL RUNS, I am usually one of the 1st to sign up.  I love them.  I love running but trail runs are so fun!!!  Its not your typical run.  You aren't on asphalt.  You are in the woods, by a stream, enjoying nature.  Until nature turns on you and you wonder what on EARTH you were thinking!!!

So getting back from vacay where you are eating horribly and NOT exercising and then doing a race is probably not the best idea.  Make that race a trail run and I feel like you are just asking for trouble.  That is what I did.  But I was ready to get back into the swing of running.  At the @$$ crack of dawn we headed out.  We'd been checking the weather.  Two days before 20% chance of rain, day before 30% chance of rain, night before 45% chance of rain (hmmmm), day of 60% chance of rain (ummmm), arriving at the race 90% chance of rain (well f**k).

Hmmm that looks ominous...but we live in the South...that's a summer shower...it'll blow over...

 

  So we continued on...then this happened

I'm pretty sure we just drove through a water spout...HALP!  Shut-up! It'll blow over!!!!

We get to the race and pre-race selfie...

Ooooo f**k you, what is BEHIND us?!?!!?  It's moving south....*whew*...that is moving AWAY from us.  It'll be fine...we'll be fine...its FINE!  But just in case we left our phones and earbuds in the car...ya know to be safe.

So we get to the start line and the guy on the PA is like "I know we are supposed to start at 8 but since people were delayed because of weather we are delaying the start time slightly but not too much"...K. 

8:09: "The lightening you are seeing is moving away from us, no need for concern, we will start soon.  The trail is clear, a little muddy, only a few spots maybe ankle deep water"...ummmm kaaaay, I mean I am a little concerned...its wet and I am about to be in the woods!

8:15ish: "Ummmm, weather reports show some storms over the lake and NOLA East.  They are, uh, moving in a South Easterly direction....so, uh, yea basically they are moving right towards us *nervous laugh*.  We will start shortly".  WTF?!?!?

8:19: *star spangled banner* starts playing. It ends.  The thunder crashes so loud my teeth clanked, the sky opens up in a deluge and we hear a *horn*.  Seriously?!?!?!  We are starting now?!?!?! 

So we went.  All 200 or so of us took off running INTO the woods.  I don't mind running in the rain, keeps ya cool.  Well me and my bestie are a giggling mess running and dodging branches when we hear *screaming* up ahead.  Ummmm, no bueno...what is happening.  We come around a bend and there is literally a STREAM flowing across the trail.  Ankle deep my @$$ that is over that girls shins!!!!  Can't go over it...can't go around it...gotta go through it...and "holy f**king $hit that is cold!!!".  Once that was done we were like "oh, mud is fine, this is fine, we are fine.  A little rain wont kill us" *thunder crash* "$hit".  We go a little further and the ENTIRE TRAIL is knee deep water.  Hmmmm I mean it must just be this section...right?!?  .5 mile in and people are turning around.  What should we do?!? "We aren't p***y's, we got this!" 1 mile in, STILL IN KNEE DEEP WATER.  WTF were we thinking?!?!?!  This is a 5k!!!  Holy mother of f**k, I'm gonna die.  We are in SOUTH LOUISIANA...what if there is a gator or a snake or just a raging f**king creek...*lightening streaks overhead*.  OMG hold my hand, I might wash away!!!  Oh yea and its STILL RAINING.

So yea, 3.1 miles of wading through water...in the rain...in the lightening...IN THE WOODS.  There was maybe .1 miles of just mud.  The rest was just below knee deep to OMG I think that touched my vag, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 

That was not a trail run...that was a trail swim.  I had mud, twigs, NATURE in the most unusual places.  We were soaked to the bone.  We were cold.  It took us 1:20 to finish a 5k!!!!!!! I usually do a 5k in 35 min or less. 

Should we have run it...probably not.  But hey now we have a funny story to tell, ha...ha...ha *sigh*. 

**Take 3** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 3:

"Hey Cletus, you gonna kill that snake or what?!?"

Me: Lalala *cleaning my house*
Hubs: *comes flying in like he's being chased* Lookout the window!!!!
Me: Huh...why, is there a fight or accident or something?!?
Hubs: *frantically looking out the window.* No I saw a HUGE snake!  I think it was poisonous...

Me:  And you are in here telling me why?!?!  Go get the damn shovel and kill it!
Hubs:  I'm not going back out there!
Me: *thinking* Are you f**king kidding me?!?  *I said* Fine, I'll kill it
Hubs: Nooooo!!!!!!!! I'll get it.
Me: *raised eyebrow* oooookaaaaay....
Hubs: *30 minutes later* All geared up and armed with a shovel and the tree branch trimmer, heads out to do battle.
Me: You know, it's probably LOOOOONG gone by now....
Hubs: *evil stare*
Me: *Watching him through the window* I should video this....

He was 8 feet away from the garden and randomly poking things with the tree trimmer.  While I am cautious with ANY snake (look you never know), I am not scared of them.  So I went out to assist.  I got yelled at for getting to close to the garden...I was at least 5 feet away *le sigh*.  Apparently I didn't understand how HUGE this thing was.  So I stood there and threw things in the garden to see if I could lure it out of hiding.  TWO hours later and we still can't find the damn thing.  I gave up and went back inside.  I said "go buy some snake away crap and be done with it."

Me: *waiting for hubs to get home* OMG I am starving!
Hubs: *an hour later* I found it!!!
Me: Is it dead?
Hubs: Well, no but I know where it is
Me: *internal screaming* Okaaaay...well lets go investigate

By this point the sun has set, so we are hunting this thing by flash light...he is in jeans and cowboy boots...I am in shorts and flip flops (look how many f**ks I give).  It is hiding in the drain pipe in my garden.  I can see it plain as day poking out. I crept closer to get a better look.

Hubs: DON'T GET TOO CLOSE!
Me:  JFC, I am a good 5 feet away, it can't reach me (famous last words, right, haha)
Hubs: *leans in to saw its head off*
Me: That's not going to...oh look it went back in the drain *sigh*

I finally got a good look at it.

Me:  OMG it is NOT poisonous! 
Hubs:  How do you know?!?
Me: (FYI he's a former Eagle Scout) Seriously?!?!  Look at it. 1) it has a round head 2) its eyes are black and round 3) it is 100% not aggressive
Hubs: I dunno, I saw its tail...it looked venomous
Me: Fine, what's your plan?
*crickets*
*jeopardy theme playing*
*silence*
Me: Soooooo?
Hubs: We lure it out
Me:  It's not a f**king cat!  It won't come out for promises of food or cuddles!
Hubs: You have a better plan?
Me: Yes, we stick something in the pipe and make it come out.
Hubs: From the back?!?!
(The back is in the garden behind bushes)
Me: Well that would be ideal but I am not going back there *gestures are miniscule clothing*
Hubs: I am not going back there
Me: Fine, I'll push the pole in from the front and you wait at the edge and kill it when it backs out
Hubs: Okay...be careful
Me: *thinking* really, I have a 6ft pole... YOU be careful

So I shove the pole in and hubs literally stands there and goes "its coming out!!!"  Then he THROWS the shovel like a f**king javelin, misses by who knows how much and our little friend escapes into the underbrush.

Me: Really...really?!?!  That is how you planned to kill it?!?!  *mumbling* I knew I should have been the one over there *developing headache from lack of food*

I walked over to the garden to retrieve the shovel (I got fussed at again but I really didn't care anymore or think that thing stuck around).  "Okay, you go spread the snake away crap, I am going to go do...something...."

I googled what I saw "gray/brown, snake, white belly, round head, Louisiana".  I was given a few likely candidates a "Racer", "Texas Rat Snake" or "Yellow Bellied Water Snake" all nonvenomous, constrictor types, that feed off of RODENTS and bugs. I kinda want to keep it now...maybe it'll help with the issues from next door...

Racer (pic)

Texas Rat Snake (pic)

Yellow Bellied Water Snake (pic)

So yea, next time there is a snake, I will handle it.  Caution is one thing but if it WAS poisonous we need to kill it.  I hate doing that but I can't risk having another animal, one of us, or a neighborhood kid getting bit.  Losing track of something that dangerous is NOT an option. 

Why does it always have to be snakes?!?!

Ha, I was channeling my inner Indiana Jones.  Let me clarify I am not frightened of snakes.  I actually am quite fascinated by them.  I wanted a pet snake soooooo bad when I was a kid but my mom thought I was nuts and said no.  Lately though I am teensy bit paranoid when in my yard.  I mean we had a near death (of an animal) because of a poisonous one that made its way into our yard a few months back. 

*Flash Back*
Dog very lethargic...looked like someone was murdered in my house.  There was watery blood EVERYWHERE! Me thinking dog is dying because he's old...took dog to vet and vet said "Um, I found two puncture wounds".  OMG!!! 
He is fine now.  But we never found a snake. 

Then about a week ago, I heard what sounded like a rattle coming from my psycho neighbors yard.  I freaked and pretty much threw one of my dogs away from the fence!  "Go inside!!!!! Why are you looking at me like that, shoo!" It could have been a bug but I wasn't taking any chances.  It scared me because it was late....and dark....and well you just never know.

*back to present*
Then...then...I found EVIDENCE!  You see I was in my yard picking up knocked over potted plants.  Something I always do after a crazy rainstorm.  As I picked up my poor beat up Gerber Daisy, I saw something stripped move, in the pot.  *scream* I let out a yell and dropped the plant.  "Run awaaaay, run awaaaaay!" Whatever it was SLITHERED under some leaves.  After I did the "what the f**k* was that" dance and dragged my dogs inside, "ahhhhh don't go over there!!!  OMG you dumbo, go inside!", I composed myself.  I was...not scared...more concerned.  So I tried to find it by poking the leaves with a stick.  I mean that's what we humans do, right?  "There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick." Well I couldn't find the damn thing.  So I got my other half and we searched.  Him fussing me for not being more cautious.  Which I mean you never know what this thing is so I guess I should have been more careful.  Anyway, after moving stuff around we found it.  A little less than a foot long, baby snake.  Since we had a problem with something poisonous before it was a "ahhhhhh kill it, KILL IT" reaction instead of our normal, "oooooooo what is it" reaction.  The problem was we couldn't identify it.  I know king snakes and most garter snakes and milk snakes but this one was different so I wasn't sure and neither was he.  Maybe it WAS poisonous! 

So as an after thought I searched and searched online...it wasn't poisonous *oops* it was actually quite harmless.  "doh!" But we were in a we'd rather be safe than sorry mode.  We don't need another snake bite issue.  So I guess we will have to treat the yard again with the snake away stuff...