I was wrestling a velociraptor

Surprise surprise, I got injured. So I somehow have "tennis" elbow.  

1. I do not play tennis

2. I do not lift weights

3. Whhhhyyyy

About a month and a half ago I noticed it hurt when I picked up my yeti.  The heck?!?!

At first I thought I was imagining it but it got worse and worse.  So I googled it and DAMMIT it's totally "tennis" elbow.  I got an arm band thingy with the "knob" that pushes into your arm.  It's hard to explain but if you google tennis elbow treatment, you'll see one.  

It helped a lot, along with not using my arm...which is difficult because I AM RIGHT HANDED!!!

But I still didn't know what I did.  After some reflection....I realized...I injured myself by OVER USING my arm while using my new Steam Cleaner.  OMG I am so old....

Of all the stupid ways to get hurt. I am NOT telling people this!!!!!

Well It got better so about a week ago...I used it again.  Ya know...the cleaner.  OW!!!!!!!!!!  

I am back in pain.  Can't use my arm...much.  And now I have a SLEEVE.  Like one of those old people copper compression things.  

Well with the sleeve its WAY more noticeable so people are like OMG what happened?!?  

And I don't want to be like "I got a little too aggressive cleaning" but like what am I supposed to say.  

People are trying to guess.  So far

"OMG did you fall off your bike?!?!"

"Too much 3rd Base with the hubs?"

"Which dog is an @$$hole??"

"Sleep wrong?"

"How drunk were you.....?"

"Wait do you play tennis??"

"5lb weights were too much weren't they?"

Alas, nothing so interesting...so I've started coming up with ridiculous things.  

"I joined a trapeze group."

"Too many one armed pull-ups"

"Arm wrestled a kangaroo"

"Water Ballet with Alligators"

"Aliens"

"This one time at band camp..."

You get the picture.  I told my cousin the real reason and she's made fun of me for the last week.  

I didn't know that could happen!!!!

So to go back to my previous post.  I found out very quickly my TMJ was in fact NOT due to teeth grinding.  I did NOT know that one could get TMJ from a car accident. 

Turns out my random development of TMJ is directly related to my getting rammed into at 50 MPH or however fast he was going. 

So EFF ME because this $hit can last from a couple weeks to a couple years.... AHHHHHHH

My super power is injuring myself in my sleep

So it's been a couple weeks and still no police report from the wreck.  I don't know why but its freaking me the eff out!!!!  I know holidays, etc but still.  

Work has been A LOT.  Like yes its "slower" since Thanksgiving but so much is going on.  Contracts are changing, job duties are changing, my counterpart got promoted which I am super happy for him but like I am getting a newbie on all my accounts and it terrifies me!!!!  I got lucky with him.  I was super scared when he took over because his predecessor was my friend for a LOOOONG time and knew the accounts backwards and forwards.  

But again he deserves all the things, I'm just in panic mode because things are so weird with a few of the contracts.  Then my other counterpart got promoted which again AWESOME but it's just a lot of change and the peeps I depend on are getting new duties.  Its just so much change....good change but I have too much going on and am just trying to not drown.  

My car is being a B....she is functional at the moment but randomly has a battery drain and I really don't want to deal with this right now!!!!!!!

One of our bathrooms is being a Tw@t and has been since before Thanksgiving, but I don't want to call a plumber because again.... TOO MUCH GOING ON!

On top of all this my mother makes me worry about her well being daily (a story for another day), the cost of everything has gone up exponentially & my paycheck doesn't go as far, and my cat randomly got the $hits & stopped eating (she's fine now). 

So in true me fashion, I shoulder it all and don't complain.  DO NOT DO THIS! I woke up Saturday morning because I was in extraordinary pain. Like I ran a half and and got punched in the face at the end.  I went about my day cleaning and went to a friends for dinner.  As the day progressed my face hurt.  Like the whole right side.  I was convinced I had a toothache in the newly refilled tooth.  I got orajel and got home and did a cold compress.  That's when I realized the pain wasn't my tooth, I could chew just fine...it was my jaw.  Like the most INTENSE ache in the joint and from the back to the front under my teeth.  

I thought my jaw was going to lock up it hurt so bad.  Heat felt better than cold so I did that, I took some Ibuprofen and went to bed.  I wake up whimpering at like 4AM. That's when I realized, I was clenching my teeth together.  That's right...for I don't know how long, I have been clenching/grinding my teeth in my sleep to the point where my new filling is so sensitive it almost hurts and my jaw feels like I was punched.  

So I have effectively given myself TMJ due to pent up stress.  I ordered a f**king bite guard so I don't injure myself further.  My dentist said if it doesn't go away or gets worse to come in but he thinks the guard will help.  Oh and I should try to destress.  Cool cool... I'll get right on that.  

How to lose 5ish lbs in an hour

Sooooo I had that thing done.  You know that thing where they remove the thing(s) causing my lady issues.  

Its routine right?  Well yes it is but holy moly its still not something you want to have done.  You are still put under, you are still down for a few weeks, you are still gonna randomly bleed and can't use a tampon or cup.  

I f**king hate being female sometimes. 

I will say kudos to the nurses and doctors for making this as easy as possible.  They put the IV needle in with almost no issues.  They were very attentive and it was rather quick considering, they had to remove at least 2 fibroids, a polyp and then do a D&C.  

I woke up and had to pee which is actually a good sign. But I was also VERY uncomfortable.  Once I was "stable", I went to a room and they got the hubs.  I was feeling very awake which was weird but cool deal.  Now the doc that did the procedure is male.  He is very good but no offense...you cannot tell me what pain I may or may not be in.  You don't have a uterus... you are basing this off of what you've read, learned, heard.  

So when the nurse was like "you okay" and I said no not really.  I really loved that she immediately went get me a percocet. Now I don't like pain pills but I was IN PAIN.  She said she talked to my doc and he was like "give her this for now but the pain shouldn't be too bad.  Tell her to take some Motrin at home if she needs".  

F**k you very much for that.  So I got no Rx which again, I probably wouldn't have taken much but STILL.  Anyways,  I just don't like being dismissed like that.  So the nurse was like you have to pee again before I discharge you, done and done.  I changed and she removed my IV.  Now I was alert but still out of it.  I heard her say something about "this was deep in your vein.  Keep the compression bandage on for____ hours".  Which is a story for another day.

I did have discharge papers so yay. Papers said no dead-lifting more than 5lbs, no sexy time, no strenuous exercise for at least 2 weeks.  And don't get hit in the abdomen, no animals jumping on you or sleeping on the tummy.  Make sure to walk around but listen to your body, get alot of rest. K.Cool.Got it. 

I got home, ate, and slept for 16 hours getting up once to pee and shower. 

I cramped and bled for days, I was SUPER Nauseous for over a week.  Not extreme bleeding thankfully just annoying.  What PISSED ME OFF is while I was still out cold the people without female body parts had a discussion with my hubs saying recovery might be 10 days at most, don't lift 10lbs, walking will help and is fine, can resume all normal activity in a couple days. So when I was still not great a few days later, hubs was like "what's wrong the doc said XYZ". 

I LOST MY $HIT.  In his defense he was listening to what the doctor said.  So what I did was go into GROSS DETAIL of what I actually went through.  He tried to get me to stop...but I didn't because f**k that, you get to hear what bull$hit women go through. 

"Let me explain what all those fancy medical words mean.  While I was under ANESTHESIA. Not mildly sedated...I was under ANESTHESIA. They dilated my cervix.  You know...like when you hear someone having a baby...they are DILATED so many CM.  Well I was dilated some so they could get in there.  Then they slid in a camera with a snipping tool on the end.  They went in and removed the growths and cauterized where they were ATTACHED to the walls of my uterus. After they removed these intruders, they inserted this U shaped scoop thingy.   They used this to scrape the walls removing the excessive uterine lining. After removing as much as they could they made sure nothing was hemorrhaging and sent me to wake up with no pain medication for after. So how do you think you would feel if you had your insides scraped? Do you think you would be functional???"

He didn't make another comment and was way more attentive to helping me after that.  I just hate how it was downplayed.  Like no sir...I get that the doc was like its NBD.  But it was a big f**king deal!!!!  I could tell the ladies understood.  Because my friends and family that knew what I had done were checking on me daily and making sure I was okay and I didn't do too much.  

Hell I stood too long 2 days after having it done and SUFFERED the next day.  I was literally a blob on my couch and all I did was stand too long.  

Being a female is bull$hit sometimes....also no uterus no opinion on how much pain we should or should not be in!

Someone cover me in bubble wrap!

We have been just bombarded with rain the last few weeks.  And not just like an afternoon shower.  It's just a daily deluge of rain combined with psycho winds and crashing thunder & lightening.

Like lightening that lights up your whole house in a bright flash then thunder that crashes so loud you instinctively hit the floor because clearly something just f**king exploded.  

Well I was on my way home from an outing when mother nature just pressure pissed all over us.  We could barely see the road driving home.  When we pulled up it was still raining but not quite as hard.  I did a "one two three" and prepared to run for the door.  As I exited the car and started to run, I realized very quickly this was a bad idea. 

I felt my foot slipping in my shoe.  In slow motion I tried to catch my balance on the hood of the car but it was too late.  

My left leg gave way and I went down.  Out of pure instinct I threw my yeti to catch myself, but the angle of the fall was off so my hands didn't do much to help.  

I landed HARD on my left hip, left leg bent under me, and my left elbow hit the bumper of the car.  I sat stunned in the pouring rain trying to assess the damage for what felt like an hour but was only seconds.

Hubs tried to help but I said just get the stuff I dropped.   As I tried to get up lightening exploded behind my house blinding and scaring the absolute $hit out of me.  

Instinct kicked in again and I tried to run...I fell flat on my chest, but caught myself before my face hit.  Hubs also ran and then was like WTF, where is she?!?!  I literally hummed both shoes at my house and took off running barefoot as another blast of lightning lit up the sky.  

Once safely inside the pain shot through my left side.  I crawled into the living room and just sat on the floor holding my foot and leg rocking in pain.  Once I removed my hand blood started dripping from my foot.

I limped to the shower and hosed myself down.  EVERYTHING hurt/burned.  Then I practically bathed in peroxide. 

My toes wouldn't stop bleeding. 

Once I got a closer look...in my fall I removed MULTIPLE layers of skin from my last three toes and I am pretty sure broke the second to last one as there was a BURNING sensation not affiliated with the missing skin area.  

I dressed and wrapped each toe. Then carefully bandaged the horrific brush burn that takes up most of my left shin/calf.  

Let this be lesson kids....shoes matter....

Seriously I should be the flipping poster child for "don't run in flip flops".

Lying in the middle of a dark street contemplating life

Happy Lent....is that a thing...?  I mean it's more of a somber time.  But whatever it's Lent.  Which if you are even remotely catholic it means you eat seafood on Ash Wednesday and every Friday until Easter.  

This past Friday we were super excited to get some boiled seafood.  We were ready for our first batch of Crawfish & Fixins!!!  Since it's just the two of us we ordered it instead of boiling it ourselves.  

Hubs was running late from work so I went to go pick it up.  We were about to get some bad weather so I was trying to beat the rain.  

As per usual I ordered from this little hole in the wall seafood place a few min from my house.  I was in a really good mood.  I had gotten a lot done for work, done some miles, eaten a fairly healthy lunch, cleaned some of the house, ya know just very productive.  

After getting my yummy dinner I headed back to my car.  Mind you it was a really dark street (two lights were out) and it was cloudy so no moon.  I was be-bopping along when it happened.  I stepped on what I thought was gravel.  It was not...it was a pothole about 4 inches deep.  What happened next was in extreme slow motion. 

I stepped and felt the gravel give away into a hole.  My right foot went down.  My forward momentum pushed me forward causing it to twist inward.  I tried to recover but I just couldn't quite get my other foot to come forward.  Instincts kicked in and my arms flew forward to catch myself.  This meant my hand holding my bag of food released said bag of food like a sling shot.  Which went flying about 8 feet into the street.  I flew forward hitting the asphalt on my two hands and left knee.  To release the twist on my ankle I flipped over onto my back.

This happened in literal seconds but it felt like an eternity of falling.  I just laid there in the dark wet street, staring at the clouds, contemplating life.  My brain rebooted and I realized lying in the middle of a dark street was probably extremely dangerous and decided to get up.  

I ungracefully rolled onto my stomach and tried to stand.  My ankle gave out and the ground was rushing back at me when I suddenly stopped.  I looked up through my disheveled hair and realized there was a car about 4-5 feet from me with the driver door open and said driver was currently keeping me from re-face planting into the ground.  

He got me mostly standing and seemed very concerned about me.  Aside from extreme embarrassment, bleeding palms and a gangster limp I was fine.  Don't ask me how but my food somehow survived the shot put throw.  But can I tell you how hard it is to drive a standard with a busted knee and ankle?!?!?

Also, can you imagine being that driver?  Just minding your business when some little blonde throws her food at you and just lays in the middle of the street.  He probably thought I had a medical emergency or something...

Mind you I had to stop at the store after this.  I tried to hide my bloody palms & limp, but the cashier noticed and was like WTF....?

I had to SCRUB my hands to get the debris out.  I wanted to cry but I also wanted it out of my skin!  In less that a week I had blood dripping down my face and then my palms.  I am a hot mess!

Kiss the girls with a dash of stockholm

I really do have vivid dreams sometimes....

The first thing I remember is waking up in a dingy, but bright luxury hotel room.  I feel woozy and can't focus on much but I remember lots of white decor and red roses in a vase.  My arms hurt and I am really really thirsty.  I hear a man's voice to my left but can't understand him.  As my brain tries to make sense of what is happening, I hear the voice again. "Aye lass, you finally joining the land of the living?" in a thick Scottish accent.  

Adrenaline shot through me and I realize my arms were tied above my head, I am on a bed, and am lacking much clothing so I'm very cold. I started to struggle but every movement caused a searing pain in my shoulders. *how long have I been tied up?!?* "Oi quit squirmin or ya may pop a shoulder".

I tried to relax but I was freaking out.  When I tried to talk my throat was on fire and I winced.  "That's whatcha get fer scremin lik a banshee".  I squeezed my eyes shut *This can't be happening*.  

I am in a bath washing off.  It hurts to move and the soap burns my cuts & scrapes, but I feel so unclean.  I was crying but not vocalizing.  I had a knot on the back of my head and a busted lip.  My eyes still can't focus well, but I know the tiles in the bathroom are turquoise. *what happened?!?*

My captor(?) comes in with a towel and says I've been in there long enough.  As I stood to get out the world went sideways and I started to fall.  He caught me before I hit anything, "Dun do that, now! Yer no gud to me dead." *What....?*

Its days(?) later and we are arguing.  He's yelling at me and calling me a "Numpty".  I'm yelling back, we need something other than Ramen Noodles and crisps!!! He's in my face and I finally register his look somewhat but still not clear.  I just can't see his features.  I know he's older, like later 50's maybe, gray/white hair cut short-ish, and he's tall...VERY tall. He finally concedes and leaves me locked in the room.  It's a gorgeous room but its a mess and seems small but not like a back highway motel.  

We are having dinner many days(?) later and its nice *wtf*.  We are eating on the floor from paper plates but its a steak dinner with wine.  Well I had wine he had something whiskey-esque...? His accent got thicker as he drank and he threatened me physically and verbally numerous times, grabbing my wrist roughly and shoving me while calling me all kinds of unsavory things.  He was passed out in a chair and I went to the bathroom to put on clothes that weren't Sexy Jammies so that I could escape.  I had the keys in my hand and was ready to steal his van.  But as I was about to leave I heard a voice scream in my head "Don't!!! He's not far gone enough and he will kill you."

Conflicted, I put the keys down and wandered over to him.  He grabbed my neck clumsily and asked why I put trousers on.  I croaked out I was cold and he threw me into a wall saying "Ye fecking c**t, yer lucky, damn lucky." and left. 

He's hurt, really really hurt and bleeding.  I don't know what happened but I'm...worried *WTF*.  He was struggling to dress his seeping wounds.  I started helping.  He screamed at me to "feck off" and I yelled back at him to shut up! So he let me take care of him.  After cleaning and dressing his more serious wounds, I was cleaning a gash on his forehead, he angrily asked me why I didn't let him just f**king die.  I couldn't answer because I should just let him bleed to death. "I....I don't know."

And that's when he gently touched my face *what?!?*. I could feel him staring at me. I was trying to really focus on the gash and not his piercing gaze. Once I had the butterfly suture things on and bandaged I sat back and realized he was still staring at me.  He seemed conflicted...scared and confused, like no one had ever shown him compassion before. 

We are lying facing each other in the bed, holding hands. We are clothed and he's still staring and caressing my hair. He kissed me gently on the lips. *gasp* Then on the forehead. "Oh love, I am so so sorry."

That's it....it ended....I woke up to crashing thunder and no power....

The * are my thoughts, not said out loud. Please forgive my weird "Scottish" typing...I'm sure its not accurate but the best I can figure. I think he was conjured from a character in a book I'm reading, although that character isn't a bi-polar abductor just an old angry Scotsman. 

Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

So obvi I love animals.  That much is VERY clear.  But sometimes I still want to punt @$$hole animals into traffic.  I would never do that but geeze do they push my buttons!

So not my cat loves to run off anything alive that tries to invade "her" territory. 

She's always there lurking out of sight and comes running when she thinks she is needed.  The ONE TIME she wasn't lurking nearby....I actually needed her!!!

I was in my front yard...minding my own business when some cat with a $hit attitude decided to pick a fight.  I am not scared of cats so my initial reaction wasn't fear but within a split second I realized "this mother f**ker about to attack me".

He/she hesitated but not enough.  They got near my face but I was already swinging my arm to block so I slapped the $hit out of it and it ran off.  In my shock I wasn't really sure what the f**k happened.  

I felt my nose running so I wiped it and saw blood.  Immediately my brain caught up and the pain shot through my nerves.  I ran inside only to see my face GUSHING blood.  

I tried to rinse it off but the blood kept coming.  I basically tried to drown myself in peroxide because at this point every scenario of stray cat issues was streaming through my mind. 

I called a nurse friend as I tried to staunch the flow.  She gave me some advice...because I live in the US and no matter what your political views are you have to admit our healthcare system is F**CKED UP!  So rather than spend $1,000+ at the ER/Urgent Care, I got basically the same care/advice from her, as long as the bleeding stopped and it didn't swell/get red. 

After scrubbing my wounds, stopping the bleeding, and putting treatment on them I got back to work 

Thankfully with my nurse's advice and constant attention, no infection and minimal scarring.   

I've not seen psycho kitty since but not my cat has been around.  And I tell her everytime I see her, where were you when I needed you!?!?!  I was attacked!!!!  And she purrs and demands scritches.  Dammit cat, if you are going to hang around at least be useful!

I'm too old to become an Avenger!

To stay healthy and sane, I've started going on lunchtime walks.  Nothing intense just a quick jaunt in my neighborhood, maybe 1-2 miles.  It's actually quite cathartic.  I can escape the stress of the day and get some cardio. 

Today as I was mindlessly roaming the empty streets I suddenly felt a SHARP pain in my right bicep.  Like it was so bad I slapped myself because clearly I was being attacked.  

I had on a long sleeve shirt and fully expected to see a creature smooshed on my shirt or a bee or something.  When I looked nothing was there.  Hmmmm.  I rubbed my arm for a sec and it seemed fine so I continued on.  

The day was absolutely chaotic after I got back and I forgot about it.  Flash forward to shower time.  As I was scrubba dub dubbing I had a sharp pain in my arm.

When I looked I saw a fairly large "pimple" complete with a decent sized white head. 

I was careful as I cleaned it and the rest of me.  When I got out to better lighting I tried to examine it further.  It was warm and hurt to the touch.

As I was messing with it the white head came off and it started bleeding.

I am almost certain its a Spider Bite, so I cleaned it well, put ointment on it, and took a tylenol.  

Let's hope it's just a house spider or something my weird skin had a reaction to and I didn't walk into a more venomous creature....

UPDATE:

Next day, swelling is down A LOT but I can clearly see two tiny punctures so yea if I start literally climbing the walls, we know why.  

Massacre at mile 11

I have always been worried about the horror stories you hear about running.  You are putting your body through quite a lot so you never know when that b**ch might rebel. 

I've had minor issues before, but for the most part it's been things I can deal with.  

My last half was brutal.  Since there's still COVID around I 100% thought it would be canceled or postponed.  Which means in my brain I wasn't nearly as motivated to train.  I trained up to 10 miles but I reached that 6 weeks prior to the race and then did jack $hit.  

I knew it would be difficult.  I mean I knew I could finish it but I would not be feeling great by the end...  

But I pushed myself because I was cold and stubborn.  I was doing great but I hit a bit of a wall at mile 8.75-ish.  Like my legs felt like lead. 

I walked for a while hoping it would pass but every time I ran, LEAD LEGS.  

I drank water & powerade, ate some gummies and Gu.  Nothing was helping.  Then as I was coming around a bend there was beer.  I don't like to take drinks from strangers, especially during a pandemic but I was desperate.    

It worked.  I mean I wasn't running like the flash but I wasn't dragging @$$ as much.  I know there is some science-y explanation but I am just going with beer good.  

I thought I got this!  I looked at my watch and thought, "OMG, if I keep this pace I could match last year's time" which would be impressive without much training.  

WHY DID I EVEN THINK THAT?!?!

The Universe

As I was pushing through mile 11 it happened.  

THIS IS 100% TMI...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I was past the last water station...no more potties until the finish line.  I have never in my LIFE been more thankful for black pants.  I couldn't stop....so I ran as best as I could.  I needed to finish.  I needed to be done.  I needed a SHOWER!

I know what you are probably thinking happened BUT it wasn't that....it was more girly....If you haven't figured it out I was suddenly bleeding...A LOT.

I was that commercial.  They 100% could put me running a half marathon with the caption of "where will you be when the gush happens".   I was hurting, tired, and feeling sooooooo gross.  But I finished. By God I FINISHED!

Have I mentioned I really hate being a girl sometimes.

Wear a "condom", you don't want Nature Herpes!

Just kidding. Maybe. Almost.

So the sig other was leaving for a last minute work trip.  The night before I was in a mood.  I was annoyed and being petty.  I grumpily did things while he packed.  One of those things involved opening a toy for the cats.  I don't know why but I took that moment to open the damn toy.

I was using a scissors to pop a zip tie.  Again I was pissy so I may have used more force than I realized.  The scissor slipped...ACROSS MY THUMB.

Series of Events that happened in less than 5 seconds:

I yipped
I dropped everything
I grabbed my thumb
I darted to my bedroom
I hear "are you okay"
YES!

About this time the pain receptors kicked in and I fell to my knees before I got to my bathroom sink.

My medical crew arrived to investigate.  This is when I realized I was crying because two dogs and two cats were trying to lick my face and my hand.  They were very concerned.

I feared looking at my hand based on the pulse I could feel in my injured thumb.

I shakily stood and took a peek.  The second I removed the pressure blood just poured out.  f**k f**k f**k!!!

I ran it under cold water and bent over to breathe and call for help.  "okay I am NOT okaY".

In his most caring voice, said "you need to put peroxide on it, water wont help"... "Oh f**k you very much" AHHHHHH.  So yea, I guess I deserved the attitude after my pissy mood all night but I almost sliced off my thumb can I get a little sympathy?!?!?

I probably needed stitches, it would not stop bleeding!!!!  I could see where the scissor went DEEP under the skin and down part of my nail.  But it was midnight and Health Insurance co-pays for ER Visits suck so I cleaned the $hit out of it, put Neosporin on it, and wrapped it 

That Mo**er F**ker THROBBED ALL NIGHT.  I couldn't sleep.  Every time I moved I hit it and woke up.  I had to bandage it for 3 days....it would start bleeding otherwise every time I touched it.

So why Nature Herpes you ask?  Well because right after, I did a run run in the woods woods.  My luck I would fall and get some weird bacteria...I didn't want to get nature herpes so I wore a finger condom.  They exist...and go on JUST LIKE A CONDOM.  Just roll it on and make everyone giggle....

Attack of the flying vegetables!

So I know down here in NOLA we do things a little different.  As with every holiday we take it to the extreme.  So OF COURSE for St. Paddy's Day we are all Irish for a day.  The beer and whiskey are flowing and we are having PARADES.  Because we will find literally any reason to have a freaking parade. 

I know I know, so many cities have parades for St. Patrick's Day, we aren't special.  But we kind of are.  So like everywhere else we have marching groups and bands...and floats...that we throw stuff off of....

So like Mardi Gras a bunch of drunk people hum things off of floats at your face.  Unlike Mardi Gras those things include more than Beads, Cups, Stuffed Animals.  Here in NOLA we do something REALLY weird.  We throw VEGETABLES.  No but for real.  Where I come from, it ain't a St Paddy's Day parade unless you can make groceries while you are there. 

They throw a bit of everything but mainly cabbage, carrots, potatoes, & onions.  Its not uncommon to hear the chant "cabbage, cabbage, cabbage"...or pick a veggie, people will chant it.  This year I caught a ton of lemons and oranges.  No really, 7 cabbages, 5 Onions, 15 mutant carrots, 19 potatoes, and 22 lemons...TWENTY TWO. 

Not my Pic LINK

Don't worry nothing goes to waste.  I literally make a giant pot of veggie soup and share what we can't eat with family and friends not at the parade. Moving on. 

Yesterday was like all the rest. I got the veggies, some tiny bags of chips, and Irish Spring Soap (hahaha).  As the parade was coming to an end, a bag of brown rice landed at my feet...INTACT *what*.  As I turned to pick it up something large wacked me in the back of the head.  It hit me so hard my head flew forward.  At first I was just like...

By the end, my head was throbbing and felt a little...off. 

I probably should not have driven home.  Not because of alcohol...I am fairly certain I had a minor concussion.  By the time I got home I was dizzy, nauseous, and in pain.  I think I am okay now but all day I had a lingering headache and my neck is killing me! 

I am not sure what hit me.  Maybe a pack of beads...maybe a cabbage. 

Whatever it was hurt like a mo-fo.  At least I made it home safe.  Death by cabbage, is not something I want on my tombstone.

Lesson - NEVER LOOK AWAY FROM A FLOAT. I am a local...I should know better....

It's not Mardi Gras, unless someone leaves with a bloody lip...

I swear I have a bead magnet on my FACE.  I'm not completely uncoordinated.  Clumsy, yes but I can catch things...especially if they are thrown at my FACE!

If you've ever attended a Mardi Gras parade you know what I am talking about.  Overly excited...possibly drunk, Krewe, throwing beads, cups, doubloons, frisbees, stuffed animals wrapped in beads, footballs, etc. off of moving vehicles IN THE DARK has the makings of "oops, sorry 'bout your face".

I usually manage to not lose an eye or get a bloody lip but do end up getting bruises or sprained fingers (especially if its cold).  But this year, I've made it to exactly TWO nights of parades (5 parades total) and have gotten a bloody lip AT BOTH.

One night, I blame it on the rain.  Yes, I was one of those dumb@$$e$ standing in the awful weather trying to catch a purse.  Not because I needed a purse but because we already had plans, I knew people riding, and decided f**k it, lets go.   The rain wasn't too hard but annoying none the less.  I had on a poncho so it was like wearing blinders.  I couldn't see up or to either side.  So its no surprise my luck ran out and something HIT ME IN THE MOUTH.  It was a tiny purse bracelet.  Its was super cute.  It made me BLEED. 

Some butthole in the crowd, saw it hit me, saw me bend over to get it, DOVE FOR IT almost knocking me over, snatched it, and ran off.  Um excuse me, that broke my face...its mine. 

My bottom lip was bloody but nothing too bad.

Night number two.  No rain *YAY*.  I was on a step ladder.  I couldn't see $hit.  I was holding my cup with my teeth trying to fix my shirt.  Something came out of no where and hit me square in the face.  I'm still not sure where it came from, I was looking at the f**king float.  Whatever it was cracked my cup and pushed it up.  This pushed the crack open and over my upper lip.  Blood started dripping immediately.  I removed the cup and bent over to get whatever the f**k just hit me and was under my step ladder.  This guy dove for it almost knocking me off my ladder, and started to walk away. This time I said, "HEY! You could at least tell me what busted my lip."

He looked embarrassed and handed it to me.  I gave him a bloody smile.  (sexy I know). 

It ended up being a cool scarf, headband, thing.  It was wrapped in plastic which is what busted my face...*ouch*.

So my personal opinion is if a throw "hurts" someone...they have earned said throw.  You pick that $hit up and hand it to them as a trophy.  That's what I do.  "Oh honey that looked painful, here's what slapped you in the face".  Where it proud!  Show that, whatever, who is boss!

Someone roll me in bubble wrap and lock me indoors!

I'm an adult... An adult who is coordinated...85% of the time.  But that 15% of the time I am not coordinated...I end up in a world of pain. 

So I was doing that running thing, right?  I do that a lot.  Or at least enough that I know running in Louisiana can be hazardous.  But most races do this thing where they mark the $hit out of the roads to show where there are potholes or raised pieces of pavement.  Not all do it but you understand the risks because they say it like 20 times before you start. 

Recently I was doing a longer race, not a half but not a 5K.  2 miles in and I ate asphalt.  You don't understand, it wasn't like a simple trip.  This was....

A toe catching on a piece of raised asphalt
Spaztically falling forward while swinging arms trying to balance
Thinking you are okay as you seem to catch yourself
Crying internally when you feel your foot turn sideways and you pitch forward, completely off balance

What made it worse...I was RUNNING.  I wasn't walking or slowly jogging.  We were full out running because...I don't know why.  So when my toe caught there was quite a bit of momentum to balance out.

As I went crashing down I put my hands out.  The problem is the force at which I was falling was too great for my arms to keep my face from slamming into the ground.  So in that split second of realization I turned on my shoulder.  I slid 3 feet on my f**king shoulder! 

Before I registered what happened I had hands all over me picking me.  Seriously, runners are the BEST.  So many people stopped to pick me up.  Literally zero effort went into me standing because I was lifted off the ground.  After I said "I'm okay, I'm okay" and smiled they took off and we moved over to the side to limp it out.  As I was assessing myself and not really feeling any immediate serious pain I looked at my friend who kept asking if I was okay and I said "no really, I'm fine".  Then I looked down at my hand.  I have blood dripping from my fingers.  Not just a minor scrap, it was pouring out of a spot where my thumb meets the palm.  "Ummm crap, okay maybe not okay."  She ran ahead to get help while I wandered slowly still trying to see why nothing hurt that bad.   That's about when I realized my knee had a pulse...hmmm that's odd.  I looked down but I had long black pants on so I didn't see anything.  We get some basic supplies to clean me up. 

That poor cop.  As I am walking up to them I hear "my friend fell, do you have a first aid kit...or at least a bandaid?"  He looks in my direction but doesn't really see me and says "yes, sure, where is she?"  And I looked right at him and opened my hand still gushing blood.  He turned white.  Which was impressive because he was pretty tan.  He ran to his car and handed us some supplies and bolted.  He made sure I was okay but wouldn't look directly at my injuries...I guess blood weirded him out. 

Anyways, I clean up as best I can with wipes and a bandaid.  Once I hand my hand wrapped in a wipe to staunch the blood flow I bent over and pulled up my pant leg.  My knee started oozing blood....crap crap crap!  I guess the tight pants were keeping the blood from flowing.  So I quickly pulled them back down and hoped for the best.  My shoulder while sore was the best looking part of me.  It was scrapped but not horrifically...how the F**K?!?!  I slid 3 feet on asphalt...on my shoulder...I'm confused.

Anyways, we kept going because I really was feeling okay and figured there would be medical at one of the water stations, boy was I f**king wrong about that.  No medics till the end...doh! Whatever I finished the race with a punctured hand, bruised & bloody knee, and road rash shoulder.  I felt like I looked like an extra from the walking dead.  Those finisher pics should be AMAZING!

The medic at the end was all what happened...well sir I tried to fight the road and the road won.  He SCRUBBED my knee to get pieces of asphalt out (mother f**ker!!!!) and he dug around in my hand to make sure there weren't any rocks stuck in it (son of a b**ch!!!!).  Oh I know I said I had pants on but there were all these tiny holes in them I didn't notice in my original assessment meaning pieces of the ground went through and INTO MY KNEE!  He put some special ointment on my knee and a HUGE bandage.  He said to not get it wet and keep it on for a few hours....great!

An hour later I was in my shower finding every other scrape on my body and cringing in pain.  I also had my leg propped up to keep my knee from getting wet...I was a mess.  After a few hours everything stiffened up.  Breathing hurt....I barely slept that night because my entire body ached and no position was comfy....

Its been about a week.  My hand is mostly healed and my shoulder looks like nothing happened.  My knee looks like it went a few rounds with a meat grinder and is a lovely shade of purple/green/yellow.  Its still sore but I'll live. 

Moral of the story: Watch where you are going, Louisiana streets jump up and bite ya if you aren't careful. 

I think I bruised my uterus

Is that even possible?  And no I am not talking about rough sex, get your mind out the gutter. 

So I am clumsy, that is evident...but I am also coordinated enough to dance pretty good, run without falling, and climb trees.  I think I am really two different people smashed into one body.  Wait...

Anyways, so yesterday was like any other day at the office.  We completed a huge project where we organized a ton of stuff for a large client.  No really, HUGE project...it took us over a week to complete.  Anyways, the stuff was in two decent sized boxes each weighing about 20-25 lbs which I was to deliver today.  So yesterday afternoon myself and another lady hauled the two boxes down the stairs and to my car.  We did it because the big burly men in our office were conveniently MIA. 

Moving on, I was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and black pumps...my friend was wearing dress pants, a flowy shirt, and gray pumps (trust me this is important...mostly).  As we were headed to the stairs she stumbled into a wall but caught herself *whew*, so she took off her shoes (if there was EVER a f**king red flag waving this was it).  I did not remove my shoes and headed VERY CAREFULLY down the stairs.  I made it to the bottom without issue *woo hoo*.  What happened next can only be described  as...comical...painful but comical.  

- I opened the door by leaning on it and held it open for my friend
- She stepped out, I let the door close
- We both stepped forward towards the curb
- My right heel went in between two sections of concrete (I didn't realize this)
- My left foot was planted and I went to step with my right
- It didn't move...
- I pitched forward
- But there was no foot to put down

- My weight was on my left foot so I couldn't step forward to catch myself
- Add in an extra 20+ lbs...I didn't stand a chance "ha"
- The heel snapped
- I flew forward at an incredible speed
- The box hit the ground
- I hit the box full on with my torso
- The box EXPLODED under my weight and the momentum
- My hands eventually hit the concrete (ow)
- My face went INTO the box (Ow!)
- My legs went up and almost over my head (OW! guess I'm a little flexible)
- They slammed back down, driving both my knees into the concrete curb (have I mentioned OW!!!!)
- I rolled off the box onto my butt and started laughing hysterically wondering WTF just happened.

My friend was so shocked she couldn't talk.  It happened so fast!  Finally she said "Oh my god! Are you...are you okay?!?!" My response...

 

Truthfully I felt ZERO pain at that point (yay for adrenaline). 

**FLASH FORWARD 3 HOURS**

I am laying on my couch with a heating pad.  I took 2 Advil and am watching horror movies on Netflix.  My knees and wrists are mostly fine.  But now that the adrenaline is gone I can feel the strained muscle in my shoulder blade area, my jaw is tender (I think I clanked my teeth together), my abs feel like I went through 5 rounds with Ali, and I am 99% certain I have at least two slightly bruised ribs.

I can say without a doubt the box saved me.  Had I fallen without the box my wrists and knees would have bared the brunt of the fall, possibly resulting in broken bones and I may not have been able to stop my face from slamming into the concrete.  So I am fine...I lost my favorite pair of black pumps but I am still mostly intact. 

Side Note - I am supposed to run a half on Saturday...a Half...like 13.1 miles.  I got this...I think...ha....