I have a banshee

Aside from a bug who shall not be named very few things can keep from entering my home.  With that said something that is screaming in my face will definitely postpone my entrance.

Let me set a scene.  It was 11:30 PM the night before I was set to go out of town.  I was doing some last minute cleaning up but had already gotten ready for bed, as in I was in my PJs...the super comnfy pants that happen to have a huge hole and a barely there tank.  I realized I had an old pizza box in the fridge so I wanted to bring it out and put the bin at the curb for pick up.

I walked out my front door and was immediately assaulted by something screaming bloody murder. Not like a tiny screech.  We are talking high pitched *SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*.  So I yelped and ran away from the door.

When I looked back there was a massive blue/green creature flitting around my front porch light...screaming.  *WTF*.  Is it a pixie?  Yo tink chill out!

When it landed I realized is was a cicada.  "huh, didn't know they screamed". If you want to hear it google it an image it in an enclosed front porch area in the dark.

Thinking it was just a little disoriented I tried to walked to the front door ...*screeeeeeeeeeee* as it dive bombed my face *eeeeeeeeeeee* as I ran into the street.

Hmmmm this may be a bit tricker than expected.

I threw a stick at the creature...nothing.

I threw a bigger stick...I missed *bark bark bark bark*

I crept up to the door...I almost got my hand on the handle *screeeeeeeeee* "son of a b**ch!!!"

So I paced back and forth waiting for this insane creature to chill the F**K out!

I thought about opening the garage but then I'd have a screaming pixie in my garage so I vetoed that idea.

Next step...throw the shoe.  First throw....missed by a MILE and that f**king thing chased me a good 20 ft *ahhhhhhhhhhhhh* *crying* *pants falling off* *almost falling with one shoe*

I hopped back, hoping it flew off...NOPE it is sitting right on the GD door!  Opening the door is not an option at this point.

My shoe was close enough to grab.  I hummed the shoe again.  It comes flying at me.  I dukes of hazzard slide across the trunk...

...hide on side the car, and make a run for the door.  I can hear it coming back.

I left the shoe, rolled through the front door and slammed it.

All I hear outside *screeeeeeeeee* *tap tap tap* *screeeeeeeee* *tap tap tap*.  OMG its trying to get in!!!

After 20 min of trying to get back in, I decided my shoe has served me well and is a good sacrifice.

My husband got home late.  He wanted to know why my shoe was outside.....

The best part...I realized the next day there is a play by play of the entire ordeal on my security camera....

I got nature in my eye!

So I am not a girly girly girl.  I like dressing up and being pretty sometimes but I also like playing in the garden, camping, and dancing in the rain.  Which is why when I am told there are TRAIL RUNS, I am usually one of the 1st to sign up.  I love them.  I love running but trail runs are so fun!!!  Its not your typical run.  You aren't on asphalt.  You are in the woods, by a stream, enjoying nature.  Until nature turns on you and you wonder what on EARTH you were thinking!!!

So getting back from vacay where you are eating horribly and NOT exercising and then doing a race is probably not the best idea.  Make that race a trail run and I feel like you are just asking for trouble.  That is what I did.  But I was ready to get back into the swing of running.  At the @$$ crack of dawn we headed out.  We'd been checking the weather.  Two days before 20% chance of rain, day before 30% chance of rain, night before 45% chance of rain (hmmmm), day of 60% chance of rain (ummmm), arriving at the race 90% chance of rain (well f**k).

Hmmm that looks ominous...but we live in the South...that's a summer shower...it'll blow over...

 

  So we continued on...then this happened

I'm pretty sure we just drove through a water spout...HALP!  Shut-up! It'll blow over!!!!

We get to the race and pre-race selfie...

Ooooo f**k you, what is BEHIND us?!?!!?  It's moving south....*whew*...that is moving AWAY from us.  It'll be fine...we'll be fine...its FINE!  But just in case we left our phones and earbuds in the car...ya know to be safe.

So we get to the start line and the guy on the PA is like "I know we are supposed to start at 8 but since people were delayed because of weather we are delaying the start time slightly but not too much"...K. 

8:09: "The lightening you are seeing is moving away from us, no need for concern, we will start soon.  The trail is clear, a little muddy, only a few spots maybe ankle deep water"...ummmm kaaaay, I mean I am a little concerned...its wet and I am about to be in the woods!

8:15ish: "Ummmm, weather reports show some storms over the lake and NOLA East.  They are, uh, moving in a South Easterly direction....so, uh, yea basically they are moving right towards us *nervous laugh*.  We will start shortly".  WTF?!?!?

8:19: *star spangled banner* starts playing. It ends.  The thunder crashes so loud my teeth clanked, the sky opens up in a deluge and we hear a *horn*.  Seriously?!?!?!  We are starting now?!?!?! 

So we went.  All 200 or so of us took off running INTO the woods.  I don't mind running in the rain, keeps ya cool.  Well me and my bestie are a giggling mess running and dodging branches when we hear *screaming* up ahead.  Ummmm, no bueno...what is happening.  We come around a bend and there is literally a STREAM flowing across the trail.  Ankle deep my @$$ that is over that girls shins!!!!  Can't go over it...can't go around it...gotta go through it...and "holy f**king $hit that is cold!!!".  Once that was done we were like "oh, mud is fine, this is fine, we are fine.  A little rain wont kill us" *thunder crash* "$hit".  We go a little further and the ENTIRE TRAIL is knee deep water.  Hmmmm I mean it must just be this section...right?!?  .5 mile in and people are turning around.  What should we do?!? "We aren't p***y's, we got this!" 1 mile in, STILL IN KNEE DEEP WATER.  WTF were we thinking?!?!?!  This is a 5k!!!  Holy mother of f**k, I'm gonna die.  We are in SOUTH LOUISIANA...what if there is a gator or a snake or just a raging f**king creek...*lightening streaks overhead*.  OMG hold my hand, I might wash away!!!  Oh yea and its STILL RAINING.

So yea, 3.1 miles of wading through water...in the rain...in the lightening...IN THE WOODS.  There was maybe .1 miles of just mud.  The rest was just below knee deep to OMG I think that touched my vag, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 

That was not a trail run...that was a trail swim.  I had mud, twigs, NATURE in the most unusual places.  We were soaked to the bone.  We were cold.  It took us 1:20 to finish a 5k!!!!!!! I usually do a 5k in 35 min or less. 

Should we have run it...probably not.  But hey now we have a funny story to tell, ha...ha...ha *sigh*. 

Oh look honey, skyscrapers IN the...sky...?...wait......what.......noooo.......*run away, run away*

Whaaaaaa...?

Soooo I saw this today and just...hmmmm.  Read the article because it explains it as an optical illusion (fata morgana) but...but...but...I dunno.  Again, there is a whole group of scientists saying "nothing to see here, nothing to see, move along" meanwhile the cracks in the universe are back and Pete's world is bleeding through...or is that "Peter's World"...is it Gallifrey??? Oh $hit, I hope not...Nah, not pompous enough...Or did Ultron steal another city? Did anyone check to see if a City is "missing"???  Maybe Jack planted that stupid beans again...crap, giants are @$$holes.  Did anyone read Saga of the Seven Suns...?  Is it a mining facility?  Are the Hydrogues & Faeros going to show up and burn us all to ash?!?!?  These were my thoughts BEFORE the article...This one I didn't think of but it is applicable, GLITCH IN THE MATRIX, call Neo we have a problem.  Also, someone said "Asgard confirmed" which, okay yea I guess I get that one too but it wasn't my first thought.

My confusion (and inner conspiracy theorizing) is because they say the reason we see it is because our eyes/brain can't compensate for the refracted light causing us to see "things" that aren't there.  But...but how does the camera capture it?  Like I get that the camera is seeing the same refracted light but wouldn't putting it on "film" disperse the illusion?  Kind of like when we try to take a picture the majestic moon and end up with a pin head dot in a sea of black.  And wouldn't people be seeing DIFFERENT things if it's an illusion?  Or is this like a group think thing?  Because a few people said "city" every one is now seeing a city.  Or is it really a reflection of the city below...but I didn't see a city below that looked like that...I so confused.

I dunno man, it's just weird and apparently has happened before.  Someone said this happened in China around 2008 ...another city in the sky.  What are the freaking chances of that?!? Where is Mr. Tsoukalos to explain this?!?!?

SIDE NOTE - I am being silly for the most part.  I do understand science, etc.  I just think the explanation is weird.

I have a filthy mind...I'm going to hell...in a hand basket...with bells on...

And so is everyone else who commented on this!

What am I looking at?!?!!?  Why are there giant red penis looking things all over S.E. Louisiana?!?!?  That gives a whole other meaning to being f**ked by Mother Nature...  What was in that rain??!?!  No wonder my plants started growing like crazy...

You know you see it too!  And don't tell me "it looks like nuns walking in prayer" because we all know you only came up with THAT so you wouldn't seem as heathenish as the rest of us.

Stop tempting fate dammit! The universe is listening and she is a b**ch!

You know how they say "never say never" or don't say "what could go wrong".  It's like "noooooooo! don't put that thought into the universe!!!" Because we all know that means the universe is gonna be an @$$hole just to prove you wrong.

Well the NWS or NHC whichever one it was sure did f**k this one up!  About 1 - 1 1/2 weeks ago they released a statement saying that "it was going to be an inactive hurricane season".  The news story popped up on my phone and I may have gone a bit batty for a minute.  But think about it...

1. Late August 1992 Hurricane Andrew was an @$$hole from Florida to Louisiana.  
2. Mid September 1998 Hurricane Georges caused the first mass exodus out of the NOLA area (at least that I remember).  That is one evacuation I will NEVER forget!  Dude ELEVEN hours to get to Lafayette...Lafayette is normally a 3 hour trip!!!!!!!!!
3. Mid September 2004 Hurricane Ivan caused the second mass exodus out of the NOLA area...it missed us and DESTROYED Alabama and Florida.  He was also a f**k nut
4.  August 29, 2005 Hurricane f**king Katrina did what everyone was fearing the last two major storms would do to the NOLA area & MS Gulf Coast.
5.  September 24, 2005 Hurricane Rita (Katrina's "baby" sister) decided she wanted to mess with the gulf coast also and ripped apart East Texas and West Louisiana AND re-broke the temp levees in NOLA.
6. September 1, 2008 Hurricane Gustav proved that even a Cat 2 can put us back in the stones ages.  We had no electricity, phones sucked and everyone and their Momma wanted us to help them.
7. September 13, 2008 Hurricane Ike wanted to be a bad@$$ also and f**ked up East Texas.
8. August 28, 2012 (almost 7 f**king years to the day of Katrina's bull$hit) Hurricane Issac decided he wanted to show everyone that even a barely Cat 1 can be a d**k.  He stalled over South Louisiana and kinda moved a bit and on the anniversary of that b**ch storm he made my life a living hell!

Do you see why I am pissed off?!!?!?  Yes there were others but these directly affected me so that's why they are the ones I listed.  Who does that?!?  It is f**king August...we are in PEAK hurricane season!!!!!  Most of the worst storms that have hit, have hit late August - Mid September (see above).  Why would you put that thought into the Universe?!!??

Sure enough some deity with a sense of humor decided to give us all a scare.  Because almost immediately after that jack@$$ pronouncement we got an alert saying a "Tropical Wave" in the Atlantic had a 50% chance of development.  Everyday it got worse.  60% chance, 80% chance...we are watching this one closely...surprise b**ches meet TS Danny, No wait Hurricane Danny and today "Hey y'all Hurricane Danny is a Cat 2".  Yes he is still pretty far out and small and they anticipate "weakening" but there is a chance he could go straight into the effing Gulf and then who knows what, actually I know what...*people freaking the f**k out* that's what.

I just don't understand why they said anything.  I'm not usually superstitious but come on!  We can see that it's been a "slow" season but no one felt the need to say it out loud!

UPDATE - So apparently Mr. Danny is a Cat 3...yay...

Did you know we have banshees around here???

I mean I guess living in a swamp anything is possible but I probably scared the life out of my neighbors recently. Soooooo it's story time!

What is a Banshee?  A banshee is a fairy woman who begins to wail if someone is about to die. In Scottish mythology, she is known as the bean sìth or bean nighe ("washer woman") and is seen washing the bloodstained clothes or armour of those who are about to die. (Source Wiki, hahaha).

No I wasn't outside washing off bloodstained clothing...I do that inside my house thank you very much.  It raises fewer questions from nosy neighbors.  What I was doing was letting my pups out to tee tee...really late...like, I probably shouldn't have been awake late....oh and screaming like a banshee.  Who knew so many things could happen in the wee hours of the mernin'. 

First Speedy whizzed all over the floor before I could let him out.  As I opened the door to let him out so I could clean, a 1/2 dead (yes I say 1/2 dead...my hubs says things can't be 1/2 dead...they can be dying...but I disagree.  It isn't fully alive, therefore it is 1/2 dead, *plfeet*)...anyway a 1/2 dead dragonfly flew into the house...so dog went out, erratic flying creature came in.  *eeeep* I abandoned my mission of cleaning in favor of capturing and releasing the 1/2 dead dragonfly.  The problem was I wasn't just trying to catch it...I was also trying to keep a curious kitty (Demon Spawn) from catching and eating it "ewwww".  With that said, I was freaking out a bit!  I am not frighted of dragonflies...I think they are kinda neat BUT I do have a fear of flying insects getting stuck in my hair (is that a thing because I totally have that).  It has happened with a June bug and I was losing my $hit trying not to panic (and failing) but wanting it out of my HAIR 10 minutes ago!

So I am dodging a crazy stalking cat but not wanting to get too close because "OMG what if it gets in my hair?!?!". Soooo I did what any sane person would do...I threw a dishtowel over it to get it out the door.  I suddenly heard a ruckus outside, I went to investigate, leaving the flying insect and pee for the hubs to deal with. 

I noticed Convict and Speedy "dancing" around my potted plants.  Of course I thought "oh wonderful, they cornered a toad....DON'T EAT IT!" I was relaying this to the hubs when convict DOVE into the cluster of plants, WTF?!?!  Speedy immediately jumped on his head...double WTF!?!? I ran outside yelling as quietly as I could "Drop it!  Drooooooooooop it!!!!" And that is when the light caught Convict's mouth.  Gray/Brown fur *screeeeeaaaam* "No no no no no drop it!!!!" The thing is flailing around screeching (it's a rat FYI) and I am panicking its going to bite my dog or it ate poison or I dunno...I was wigging out *waaaaaaaaaaah*.   

He was in full on KILL mode.  "This thing invaded my yard...it gonna die."  He is violently shaking his head back and forth when I reach them.  I grabbed his scruff just in time for him to "bear down" and.... and....and...I heard the most sicking *gag* sound *gag* I have ever heard in real life *gaaaaag*.  He killed it....by crushing it with his massive jaws *crunch*...I let go of him and fell on my butt...he dropped the limp rat and looked at me panting like "I'm a good boy right!?!? *happy dog smile*".  Then speedy wanted to give it some hell as well.  I dove for him "Noooooooooooooooooo!" but Convict was all "no way man, that's my kill"...so he picked it up and started running around the yard with it.  Tossing it in the air, catching it, barking, and growling...all while speedy chased him barking, and as I ran around the yard losing my mind...

noooo! 
stooooop! 
Drop it!!!  
Dammit dog, that's not funny!  
You are such an @$$hole!!!
*chasing me with the carcass*
Ahhhh, don't you dare put that on me!!!
OMG that is disgusting!!!!

I finally got them away from it (NOT EASY) and hubs walks out like, "what is it?!?" Obviously something freaking me out...I don't normally scream man...HELP!!!  Tunnel vision had kicked in and all Convict could see was his kill, hubs literally had to pick all 60 lbs of him up and toss him inside while I wrestled with an overly excited (still barking) puppy.  

Two plastic bags and some rubber gloves later, it was disposed of..."Ew ew ew ew...its still warm!!!" *shudder*.   Thankfully it didn't bite either of them and it wasn't bleeding so *whew*.  I went in and Convict was all "but, but, but I thought I was a good boy..." And I was like you are a good boy but GROSS!  And then he full on sneak attack licked me in the mouth...
 




Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why would you do that!?!?!

*scrubbing mouth out with shirt*
*spit spit* "Not cool man, not cool!

*rinsing with scalding water*    
Ahhh, feel the burn.

Wait, hold up! Who wants to have sex with a homicidal pepper pot?!?!?!?!

Okay okay okay...hear me out...I did NOT come up with the idea.  I've read some crazy fanfiction but not anything close to...WTF?!?

I was actually reading a seemingly innocent article I linked to via The Doctor Who Hub (Facebook page), I think.  It was titled "Doctor Who: 10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About the Daleks".  A simple top ten list of "facts" you may or may not have known.  The list was actually interesting, "Hmmm, dual origin...I didn't know that." Anyways, I got to the Number 1 "fact" and I quite literally shot coffee out my nose.  I do not recommend doing that!  It burns like a mofo and now all I smell is coffee *le sigh*.  

No really though...what would you do if you were reading an article about one of the most notorious beings in the whoniverse and you read "They Have Starred in a Porno".   

Then I read on, "In 2005 the Daleks checked off another box in Pop Culture Bingo by starring in a pornographic film called Abducted by the Daleks. It’s exactly what you think, with three women being taken by the Daleks and forced to do sex stuff with them and with each other."

I can't even fathom the visuals.  I've never watched Doctor Who and thought "Ooooo a Dalek, it's so...SEXY! *growl*" I'm more along the lines of "OMG run away, run awaaaaay..." I know they were sued but according to the article you can find it online.  I have never been so tempted in my life to look up a porno on the internet just so I can laugh my @$$ off!

There is actually more to this pic for a t-shirt but it made the concept too "sweet". You should check it out!

For god's sake they have a f**king plunger and a whisk!!!  How do you...what is it like an "insert and twirl" thing...*ahhhh my eyes*.  Speaking of eyes...did they...did they use the eyestalk...

Also, its...its like this weird flesh blob cyclops octopus looking THING on the inside...HOW DOES THAT WORK!??!?!  I mean there are those "tentacles"...oh...oh sweet baby...naaah...maybe...

Actually on second thought...I may not want to know.  Something tells me the people that made this didn't really know about the Daleks...ya know the whole "hate and destroy everything, unless its a Dalek" mantra, i.e. EXTERMINATE! Which would lead me to believe these aliens wouldn't give a flying f**k about...um...sexual gratification...especially from a lowly human...maybe from The Oncoming Storm but that's a whole other sordid story that I am NOT writing...WHAT IF these are Daleks that escaped from the Dalek Asylum...in that case RUN! Oh God what have I done...I put that thought in the universe *twirling aimlessly around the room*.

Zombies are @$$holes, mmmmkay

I think I figured it out.  I have my most cracked out dreams when I am utterly exhausted.  I am not talking "hey I worked out earlier" tired.  I am talking about "I cleaned my ENTIRE house", "Did ALL the yard work (cut grass/weed-eated/hedged)", "ran a 1/2 marathon" or in my most recent case "played in the pool with a bunch of kiddos under the age of 6 for more than 3 hours". 


And when I say played, I do not mean relaxing in the pool while a lil one waddles around you.  I mean fully submerged swimming/walking back and forth.  Getting in and out. Making sure no one busts anything, "No running!!!" (sorry, my inner lifeguard comes out from time to time).  Busy busy busy BUT very fun!  So by the time it was time for bed, I was basically a Zombie. 

I had the most insane dream.  I don't watch a lot of Zombie shows/movies . . .well I do sometimes but not as ofter as other supernatural stuff, so I was really confused when I woke up as to why I dreamt about 'zombies'.  And I don't mean "Night of the Living Dead" slow walking, moaning "braaaaaains" zombies.  I am talking about those terrifying ones that run like f**king cheetahs (World War Z, 28 Days Later, I am Legend, etc.).  I was NEVER scared of zombies because I always thought, "dude you can OUTRUN them"...until 28 Days Later came out.  I remember going to the theater to see it and I was f**king scared out of my mind!  They didn't just run, they full on sprinted, all the while screeching.  And it wasn't like a slow burn infection.  You got ANY type of bodily fluid in you and you were a screaming banshee in seconds, WTAF!?!?

It's a loooong, detailed dream...get some popcorn and enjoy.  

Okay, moving on to my dream.  I was on vacation with the other half when the world went to $hit.  I am assuming we were in some sort of tropical climate because there was a resort and swimming BUT there were also things that hinted at Europe sooooo who the f**k knows.  I am not sure how but basically we get separated.  One minute we are enjoying an all inclusive beach and boos resort and the next minute I am wandering around Ireland...Scotland...MAYBE...it was really green...and a bit nippy.  I really don't know but it wasn't the U.S. that's for sure (people talked "funny").  I am picked up by a group of other survivors and brought to something that looks like a fort.  But inside it is ANOTHER all inclusive type place, no beach but a ridiculous pool and lavish buildings.  I am concerned about getting the f**k out of whatever country I am in but everyone there is like "no we stay here and wait for rescue" which sounds like the WORST idea to me.  There are parties every night and patrols every day.  I remember going swimming (no clue where the suit came from ) at one point.  There was a guy. . .I can't remember his face but he was attractive, tall and skinny but muscular.  He wouldn't leave me alone, even when I said "sorry boo, I am taken" (see even in my dreams, faithful wife).  He kept trying to catch me in the pool.  He got pissed at one point and threw a bunch of giant pills at me (is that The drugs???).  After some contemplation I went to the room he was sharing with some other peeps and returned the pills (I have no idea why, don't ask).  He looked different now.  I remember thinking "holy $hit, he's famous!" but I am not sure who it was.  We were suddenly BFF's and practically inseparable (no more sexual advances).

Jumping ahead, a group of us thought the whole "party all the time" mantra was a bad idea.  Stop making noise!!!  So of course one fateful night the "zombies" breach the outer wall and come pouring in.  We were near the insane pool...two options 1) Run around it and chance getting caught by a human cheetah on speed or 2) Dive into the water and swim across....the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, looks like I'm getting wet (shhhhhhhh, get your mind out the gutter).   The details of the dream were so vivid!  I could feel the water go up my nose when someone accidentally jumped on top of me.  I remember the weight of my clothes from jumping in fully clothed and the heaviness of my tennis shoes.  I can still feel the vice like grip on my calf as an inhuman fell in, latched onto my leg, and pulled me back under.  And I remember the relief I felt as my friend pulled me from the water and to safety (no bites or scratches...whew).  Thankfully the infected seemed to have trouble traversing the water so we managed to get a head start running (as I coughed a gallon of water out my burning lungs).  We made it to a main building where we broke into groups to enact a plan that I don't remember helping to create but I knew my place.

It consisted of us running UP stairs to lure the infected behind us. . . okay in EVERY horror movie I yell "OMG don't go up the f**king stairs! There is no way to escape." But we had a plan . . .it was sketchy at best.  We had to wait for the rabid individuals to see us and then run like our @$$ was on fire, what could go wrong...?

Jumping ahead again, we are no longer in the safety of the resort.  We've been separated into smaller groups.  Not by choice. . .  We are moving from "safe" house to "safe" house as quickly and quietly as possible.  We sleep in shifts and scavenge for food in the abandoned homes.  We can't eat just anything, in case it is INFECTED.   The only thing I really remember from this part is that my new friend was fiercely protective of me, &/or I made him feel safe...grounded...not sure.  I just know he NEVER left my side.  I can recall him basically cocooning himself around me while I was sleeping and holding on for dear life (we are talking vice grip).  Not in a snuggle up or sexy way...more like an "I can't lose you too way".  And honestly sometimes I wasn't sure if he was protecting me from the zombies or the other men in our group.  It was weird. 

Jumping ahead further, we find more survivors.  It is a military compound. They will only let us in once our eyes have been scanned (this was from I am Legend, I think).  They wanted to separate us but my friend said we were married so we could get in...together.   Conveniently we both had wedding bands....I guess he was married too...I don't remember noticing it before this.  It is hot, loud and chaotic but it feels safe.  I have no idea how much time had passed but eventually I spot a familiar face in the mess hall and practically tackle him (my other half, if you didn't figure that out).  He has a woman with him...it is my friend's wife...I know, I know very cheesy...sorry...I think my brain needed a happy thought.  Out of no where I heard the animalistic screeching the runners make.  Somehow they got inside. . . I was wrapped up in my hubbies arms crying when I felt a powerful shove...I woke up. 

I obviously don't know for sure what happened but I know what it felt like.  It felt like the "monster" got me.  Needless to say, I couldn't really fall back asleep after that.  My heart felt like it was trying to escape.  But why did I have this insane dream?!?!  Then I remembered.  Saturday night I put on SyFy Channel and watched 28 Weeks Later.  I didn't watch all of it but I watched enough to give my subconscious enough ammo to scare the bejesus out of me. 

**Take 1** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 1:

When trimming the hedges (bushes) always beware of wildlife.  It can come in many forms.  The form I am used to dealing with is a royal @$$hole.  His people are known as wasps and they basically claim all lands.

Ima f**k you up! (Not my pic)

So when I hedge, I keep a can of Wasp Spray near by.  The problem is they don't always reveal themselves right away.  This causes me to look like a ninja while gardening. 

Not my pic

My neighbors can regularly see me "dancing" in the front yard.  *run close to the bush, snip-snip, run away from the bush, rinse, repeat*  This gives me the opportunity to run like my @$$ is on fire if indeed there are wasps hiding out.  My recent hedging did not disappoint.  I was "dancing" when a wasp came at me, "ahhhhhh run away, run away!" But I got him, muhahahaha.  As I was about to do my victory jig something pegged me in the head.  *crouching tiger*  

Not my pic

WTF?!? I looked up and saw nothing.  Hmmmm.  So I continued trimming.  Out of no where this bright @$$ red bird flies at my face *scream* *drop trimmers* *runs away*. 

Caw caw mother f**ker! (not my pic)

I swear I looked like Ace Ventura when he encounters bats! 

Not my gif

 Am I in a Hitchcock film?!?!  I slowly approached the bush and kicked it (smart, I know).  *screeeeeeech* *chirp chirp chirp* *running away* "ahhhhhh its going to peck my eyes out!". 

Who needs wings, when I can just dive bomb your face! (Not my Pic)

I crept back to the bush (seriously, I need to learn when to just give up) and gently parted the branches. 

Not my pic

Only to be almost face to face with a royally PISSED OFF momma bird and 3 lil babies.  "dawwwww" *smiles*.  *screeeeeeech* "$hit!" Here comes daddy *running away* "Okay okay, I'll stop trimming, geesh!".