Thor is an @$$hole

Sooooo I have this car.  This car that I've been paying on for a few years.  This car that I really like. Anyways, this car is paid off as of Tuesday.

The universe being the b**ch that she is decided to mess with me.  We are in a bit of a dry spell thanks to Florence.  I think the chance of rain all this week is less than 10%. LESS THAN 10%!!!!

Imagine my surprise when I was driving home Tuesday AFTER MAKING MY LAST CAR PAYMENT and seeing rain.  Meh, okay...stupid summer shower.  Stupid summer shower that turned into a mini hurricane!

It went from "oh its sprinkling" to "JFC I can't see the road" in like two seconds.  With the blinding rain was the most ridiculous light show I have seen it in some time.  It was like drunk Thor trying to shock Loki while he's sleeping. 

Great, fine...I'll just drive 10 mph down I10.  I was singing along with Hamilton.  "What as that?"  *singing* "Seriously, WTH was that...?" *turns down radio* *ping, ping* 

*ping ping ping ping*

"Is that f**king hail?!?!" *ping ping ping ping PING* 

"Stop it!!!!!  God dammit, I just paid this f**king car off!!!!!" 

The rain stopped, the sun came out, and a rainbow shown across I10.  "are you mocking me!?!?!?"

So yea...I paid off my stupid car and drove through a hail storm when there was a literal 10% chance of rain and then a rainbow popped up.

The universe got jokes.....

Side note - No damage...whew!

Jesus take the wheel.....

Not like that, not like that!!!!

LINK

Can you imagine driving down the road and suddenly your wheel pops off...

Ok, ok, "Calmly" downshift and brake and AHHHHHHHHH!

Ya know what sing...just f**king SING!

Yea, no my car doesn't smoke, thanks.....

Yo, you people that flick your lit cancer stick out the window going 80mph down the interstate can f**k off!  That is still LITTERING!  You shouldn't do that.  The local wildlife is holding up unsuspecting hikers looking for their next nicotine fix!

Sometimes I see them coming and they explode in a blast of embers on my windshield. 
Other times I see the flying smoke stick zooming past my window. 
And still other times I completely miss them. 

Anyway, as I was driving, suddenly, it looked like my f**king car was on fire! 

...wait....no...

Side Note - She is my freaking spirit animal.  I LOVED her!  I watched that show ALL THE TIME and still do when reruns are on!!!

Moving on.  There I was lala-ing along when traffic slowed in-front of me.  As I slowed down I noticed the front of my car...

OMG IS THAT SMOKE?!?!?! 
My car isn't that old...it should not be smoking! 
Is there a tiny fire????

So I kinda panicked for a sec.  I was so worried it would overheat and damage something. 

Weird...no lights or alarms are going off. 
Ugh what is that smell?!?!

I turned off the outside vent, what is that?!?!?!

*ew ew ew ew ew* Move people!  The exit is right there!!!!

My car could explode at any second, MOVE!

So I got off at the next exit and stopped at in the first parking lot I saw.  I popped the hood and walked to the front of my car. 

Odd the smoke isn't coming from under the hood. 

Then I saw the little cherry glowing in my grill *WTF*.  There was a f**king cigarette wedged in my front grill...STILL LIT!  It was only about half smoked...if that.  Basically someone lit it and then threw the f**king thing out the window.

You'd think going 80 down the Interstate would have blown it out or whatever.  But it was protected. 

When it hit my grill it bent in half and the lit end was inside, partially protected from the wind.  The "smell" was the slight charring of plastic, mixed with cigarette smoke coming in my A/C vent.  I pulled it out, stomped it, and threw it away.  I dumped a load of sanitizer in my hand and drove the rest of the way with the windows down because my car now smelled like @$$ baked in the sun. 

Flicking a butt out the window is still littering.  Its gross. Its dangerous to wildlife...AND TO OTHER DRIVERS.  If you are hell bent on smoking in your car...KEEP IT IN YOUR CAR!

Spiders are intelligent...they are plotting my demise so they can have my house

Right...so lately I've mentioned my house is the real life set of Arachnophobia.  I really feel like I should start charging rent...or at the very least utilities.  I'll give them a discount if they continue eating critters I don't want around and leave me alone.  But I am getting concerned that we may be past the point of "oh look I have a few spiders" to "you do realize this is their house now?" 

Moving on, I've learned over the years that your vehicle is considered an extension of your property.  Apparently arachnids have learned this as well.  Anyways, I was driving when I turned and was in direct line with the sun.  So I of course pulled down my visor...I squeaked and promptly flipped it right back up.

What had happened was there was a massive brown spider just a chillin on it.  I was going about 75MPH and decided having THAT creature fall on me while driving would probably be bad...mmmkay.  So I "calmly" waited until I got to my 1st destination to investigate further.

To make myself feel better I kept saying "its CLEARLY dead. It has to be dead.  It didn't move when I moved the visor....its DEAD!" Again, I am not scared of spiders but it was HUGE and brown and all I could think of was a brown recluse and I was freaking out a bit because those are no bueno!  So I got to where I was going and "calmly" got out of the car.  I picked up a tissue and moved the visor.  The spider was still in the same spot not moving.

Oh thank god!  He IS dead *whew*.  So I leaned in to pick it up.  This is the point where he decided he was NOT in fact dead and jumped at my face.

I spazzed out so bad.  I mean I REALLY hope that cop behind me did not have his dash cam on because I fear I will be on one of those "hahaha moron" shows.  Here is what happeend.

It jumped
I jumped
I hit my head on the roof of my car
I bent over in pain
I realized that mother f**ker was still on my neck
I re-spazzed

I flung it off of me...back into my car

It landed on the driver's seat
I lunged for it to kill it/get it out of my car
It backed away and REARED up (you know like front legs and FANGS in the air)

I hesitated
It ran into the mechanical hinge of my seat
*blgrablgph ahhhh* I hung my head in defeat

So now what???  I tried finding it with no luck...he is obviously good at hiding.  So I reluctantly got back in my car to drive to my next destination.  What if he surprises me while I am driving again?!?!?!  I am fairly certain it was a Southern House Spider...I think.

No but really what would you do if you saw an extra large one of these right in front of your face???

Drivers Ed: 101 - also known as common f**king sense

Soooooo while I don't claim to be the BEST driver around, I do understand the rules of the road.  I also understand how IMPORTANT it is to follow said rules.  Things like "when going 10 MPH or more UNDER the speed limit on the highway you should put on your emergency flashers to warn drivers who ARE gong the speed limit (or more) that you are the tortoise to their hare and they should go AROUND you". Or other things like when merging onto the highway don't stop! Well unless traffic is stopped...otherwise you should be speeding UP to merge into traffic. 

Speaking of merging...below is merging...it illustrates your lane MERGING into traffic...you should probably YIELD (NOT STOP) to traffic and assess when you can merge...it sometimes involves a full stop but not always. 

See how the lane flows INTO traffic...see it!?!?!? 

This is also a form of merging...but this doesn't mean STOP!  This barely means yield....this means you have a whole f**king lane to turn into.  You have the right of way....why are you stopping!?!?!!?!?

So jack@$$ if you STOP in this lane...a few things happen. 
1.) I almost rear-end you because you are a tool 
2.) I almost get rear-ended because I had to slam on my brakes
3.) I develop a serious case of turrets, yelling enough profanity to make a sailor blush 
     3b) I will make the lady in another car loose it in a fit of giggles because I am sure a tiny blonde
           yelling at the windshield looks a bit ridiculous

4.) I will lay on my horn until you move your dumb@$$ out the way

No where on that sign does it say stop...it doesn't even say yield.  Actually below said sign it says "maintain speed".  Can you not read?!?!?!

This means stop:

If you don't stop at one of these 1-4 above usually happens again.  See how its RED...red is like "danger Will Robinson"...DANGER...STOP your f**king car, not slow down and accelerate through, that would be YIELDING!

If that was the case, you'd see this:

See it even says YIELD.  It means proceed slowly...not STOP. 

Did we learn something today...aside from I had a bit of road rage this morning and want to punch things...?

Sit on it and spin, Mother F**ker!

Spoiled Wife you say...

I say, "quit driving like a jacka$$ you 'spoiled' biotch!"

Driving to work this morning I was run off of I-10 by a small car about the size of my small car.  She clearly did not see the little blue car in the left lane doing 80 MPH, keeping a safe distance from the car in front of her.  Or she just didn't care and assumed I would...I dunno teleport out of her way. 

I-10 where I was is two lanes...TWO lanes!!!  So I didn't have the option of moving into another lane.  She just came over.  I am not talking turned on the blinker and switch lanes giving me time to react like a normal person.  She suddenly realized she was about to ram the State vehicle going 70 (the speed limit) in the right lane so instead of, oh I dunno BRAKING, she just jerked the car to the left...where I happened to be. 

SIDE NOTE - Honestly you should NEVER do that!!! If you are about to rear-end someone DO NOT blindly go to the other driving lane.  Swerve to the SHOULDER!!! It is safer and there is less of a chance of you hitting someone!!!!

The thing is I kind of saw it.  I realized before it happened what was possibly going to happen so I let my foot off the accelerator.  This didn't help much, well it helped a little because instead of being right next to her I was about a half car's length next to her.  I didn't really have time to brake at this point, it all happened very quickly.  I was able to swerve my little car to the left ONTO THE SHOULDER and hit the brakes enough to avoid her.  I almost got rear ended and my car sure did lose traction, having two wheels doing 80ish on the gravely side area.  The little light came on and there was a lot of dinging. You know the one that lets you know "hey hon, your car is hydroplaning.  Just wanted to make sure you knew. *kisses*"  It really is a pointless warning light.  Like no $hit car.  Is that why I am losing control of you?!?  I didn't realize my tires were no longer connecting with the pavement.  How could you NOT realize that?!?!?! Anyway,  I thought that's it I am going lose control of the car and slam into the freaking middle divider fence thing. FML!

By some grace of God I managed to maintain control of my car and got back in the lane.  As I got back up to the speed limit I caught up to her because the rest of the left lane peeps in front of us were going about 70-75.  As I caught up to her I saw the crap fest that was her car.  It was a nice-ish car. Nothing too fancy, like a Civic, maybe a Kia, or something like that.  Across the back window in HOT PINK was the website "spoiledwife.com".  This just made me groan in annoyance.  Then you also had the license plate which was also hot pink and zebra and glittery.  I couldn't read the actual plate number but I surely was blinded by the words "Spoiled Wife" shining in the morning sunlight. 

SIDE NOTE - You aren't really that "spoiled"...its not like its a BMW or Lexus or Mercedes or something of that nature!!! Stop acting all special in your freaking Kia Rio.  My momma gots one of those and she is most definitely NOT spoiled!

I really wanted to hulk out and run her off the road but I am not crazy (unlike her).  So I decided I would look up the website and give a few choice words to the administrator...thinking she clearly runs it or works for them if she is advertising like that.  Guess what...the domain doesn't exist...it might be "up for sale".  What happened boo did your hubby/wifey not pay the bill???  If your spouse "spoils" you more power to you but do you have to be such a royal douche nozzle about it?!?!?  You could have killed me and the person behind me with your shenanigans in your stupid car with it's stupid decorations!  Not to mention blinding us with the obnoxious blingy license plate.  Look I love sparkles but they shouldn't be on a car...it is a driving hazard.  If your hubby/wifey is so keen on spoiling you maybe you should spring for some driving lessons and keep the bling limited to your person. 

In case you are thinking well everyone makes mistakes...maybe she just wasn't paying attention and normally is a good driver.  No, just NO! I should also mention that once she got enough past the state vehicle, which in my opinion and I am thinking the state operators opinion based on his "Oh $hit" moment, was not nearly enough space she jumped back to the right lane and blew past traffic going about 90 MPH.  Then I saw her swerve back into the left lane causing lots of brake lights to come on in front of me.  I lost track of her after that.

People are such @$$holes!!!!!!!!!

"Good News Everyone"

You read that in his voice, didn't you? Hahahahaha.  Anyway, I realized this morning that my car has a cloaking device!  I've joked before that I think I bought a transformer because my car has personality (not possessed just prissy) or possibly the chameleon circuit started working again and I bought "Sexy" somehow or maybe her sister, hmmmm.  I mean she is the perfect shade of BLUE and does seem bigger on the inside.  So who is to say she doesn't have a cloaking device or perception filter or something.  Neato torpedo!!!  Oh yikes, never saying that again. 

I've mentioned in the past few months that people just don't see my car.  I had a blue car before this one (actually IDENTICAL to this one) and before that a small silver car.  So I am no stranger to small vehicles and have never had a major issue prior to now.  But lately it is like other vehicles just don't see me.  They pull out in front of me, change lanes when I am right there or almost run into the back of me like they don't realize a car is in front of them. And it is not all massive vehicles some are smaller than mine!

Today is when I realized it HAS to be because my car is cloaking itself (not because other drivers are idiots and clearly aren't paying attention). OMG so cool and I didn't have to pay extra!!!  The problem with that is, it is absolutely RANDOM and it almost killed me this morning!  I was going 55 mph (the actual speed limit) down a 4 lane highway with a turning lane in the middle.  There was NO ONE ELSE AROUND.  No one next to me, no one behind me.  The sun was hidden by clouds so you can't blame glare.  Suddenly this white mustang decided to cross said highway to get to the turning lane.  Normally not an issue but a vehicle coming in the other direction got in the turning lane which caused the white mustang to just stop...blocking my lane and part of the other.  *screeching tires* *down shifting* *horn blaring* *trying to maintain control of my car while braking and attempting to switch lanes*.  I think you get the picture.  The main problem was I was already too close when he went so switching lanes safely wasn't really an option.  One I was going too fast so cutting the wheel hard enough to miss him at that speed I would have lost control.  Two I was focused on braking and thinking "who the f**k stops in the middle of a highway".  Three still braking and white knuckling the wheel, "why did you go?!?! There is literally no one behind me, I could have passed and none of this would be happening!!!!" This happened in seconds...it is amazing the thoughts you can have in such a short period of time. 

All I can say is THANK GOD I have good brakes and was actually paying attention.  I stopped centimeters from his car.  He looked at me like he had no idea where I came from.  It was like I "appeared out of no where".  So there you go...cloaking device or perception filter...or I dunno pick your sci-fi term.  The point is my car can vanish from sight and randomly reappear, that is the only logical explanation. 

***Warning*** Tinted Tail Lights Suck!!!

Can someone tell me the purpose of tinted tail lights?!?!?!  Seriously what is the point of them? 


Are we concerned about UV exposure to our little warning lights? 

Are your tail lights going to get a sunburn?

Well I have news for you...1) They are already red and 2) I am fairly certain they cannot get a sunburn!

You are just a Douche Nozzle!  Because of your tinted tail lights I almost died...at the very least I had the beginnings of a heart attack.  

In case you weren't aware tint tends to DARKEN things.  A sort of blocking of the light.  In normal use on WINDOWS it keeps the interior of your vehicle cooler when sitting out in the baking sun because it absorbs or reflects the light.  Also, you can't really see INTO the vehicle, did you hear that...you can't really see THROUGH it. When applied to tail lights it causes other driver on the road to develop a spontaneous case of  Tourette's and begin driving like they are playing Mario Kart. 

Let me ask you a question...if you cannot see into a car window with tint, what makes you think I can see your brake lights when they are TINTED?!?!?  I am not a tailgater.  I travel a safe distance from other vehicles on the road.  But when you are going 70 MPH and cannot see someones brake lights until you are on top of them, stopping is quite difficult!  Of course I am probably one of the only drivers in Louisiana that travels a safe distance so when I slam on my brakes to avoid running through your tailgate it puts me at a greater risk at being run over by the 4x4 Dually behind me.  Thankfully said Dually had the sense to swerve onto the shoulder just as I came to a stop.  But the cars behind us looked like they were doing a synchronized driving routine as they darted in various directions to avoid hitting any of us.  I seriously thought this is going to suck balls but luckily no one wrecked.  The funny thing is I am fairly certain Douche Nozzle had no idea he was the cause of all this ruckus. 

Traffic started moving again and tinted tail lights decided he needed to get over to exit, so he put on his blinker. Under normal circumstances this would have alerted the driver in right lane that he indeed needed to get over but since he has sun protection on his tail lights the driver next to me couldn't see the blinker.  Honestly I barely saw it.  I only noticed because I was looking closely since I almost hit him.  So Sir Douche started getting over not realizing the other driver didn't know he wanted to which caused another brake slamming session.  I was able to swerve to the left to avoid hitting him yet again and blew past him.  I was just thankful to be away from that road hazard. 

So I seriously want to know...what is the point of the tinted tail lights?  Aside from making driving more interesting for those around you. 

Near death experience...

...which may have caused a slight loss of bladder control...

On this seemingly normal morning I was driving to work.  I was really close, not running late, not stuck in traffic, singing my heart out because what else are you going to do while alone in the car.  When suddenly stupidity reared its ugly face and I had a mild (or possibly SEVERE) panic attack in my car. 

You see as I was driving down this lovely two lane stretch a rather large SUV going in the other direction started driving a bit erratically.  Not like drunk driver but like every so slightly swerving.  I noticed it and thought well that's odd.  Before I was able to really comprehend what was happening this over-sized death mobile had veered completely over into my lane.  CRAP!!! There is honestly no where to go but into the wilderness to my right *ahhhhhhh*.  I jerked my wheel in time to bypass a HEAD ON COLLISION meanwhile laying on my horn and attempting to maintain control of my car in the saturated grass before I ended up in a ditch.  Apparently my honking alerted the driver of their minor miscalculation and they swerved back into the correct lane.  The kicker was as they passed I could see the cell phone.  I could see the bloody cell phone held up right in front of her effing face!  Are you kidding me?!?!  You could have killed me because you are messing with your cell phone.  Put it down!!!  This all happened in a matter of seconds but it was like slow motion to me.  What if she was just a little closer...I would have had zero time to react.  I barely had time to swerve as it was.  The speed limit on that stretch is 55...which means that would have hurt....A LOT. 

When I pulled into work my heart was still racing, my head pounding and I was pale...I was scared to get up because I didn't know if my legs would work properly but I knew I had to get out.  Plus I really had to wee at this point...I mean I didn't go in my pants (THANK GOD) but I did have to go.  My car had crap all over the side which is fine, at least it and I were in one piece and uninjured.  It really started my morning off crappy!

I know we are all guilty of picking up the phone while driving BUT I have made a conscious effort to leave it alone while driving.  I don't look at it and I don't pick it up unless I am stopped at a light or stop sign...even then its very quick.  I have Bluetooth link up in my car so I use that to dial out or pick up.  When customers call me in the car I don't say hold on while I get paper to write something down, I say "do you have my email?  please email me and I will reply as soon as I am not in my car."  My point is it can wait.  It 100% can wait.  We haven't always had phones in our vehicles...haven't always been so connected...the world will not end just because you didn't reply to that text right away. If you must reply pull the frick over and do so.  I'd like to live a bit longer and I would rather not die in a fiery crash because you just had to tell your your BFF what Bobo did or whatever.  I am sure Bobo would want you wait to tell the story rather than kill some innocent person LIKE ME and/or yourself with your bomb on wheels going 50+ MPH!!!