And that's how you realize you should have just stayed in bed

To say it has been a rough week is an absolute under statement.  Work is work is work.  Its been a rough week but whatever.  Add in crazy psycho weather with a dash of tornadoes and it gets worse.  Compound that with stupid f**king animal that decides the best way to remove an annoying growth is to chew it off and you start wondering what divinity you pissed off.

So work sucks.  Weather sucks.  House looks like a murder scene and now dog needs surgery...SUCKS!  But I was coping.  Then I got to work today and went to use the facilities.  I almost started crying...almost.  Instead I started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop.  We are talking full blown gut aching laughter complete with silent laugh and clapping.  God help me I have lost it.

Why, is probably the question you are asking. Why would I lose it laughing in the ladies room of all places.  And no it isn't anything gross.  You see we recently moved, right?  Well in the move we went from the Taj Mahal to Taj Mah-what the f**k.  Meaning the place we moved into was a bit below our normal standards.  Everything is "cheap".  I am not being snobby, you can do cheap and still have nice.  This is cheap...like falling apart cheap or non-functional cheap.

Side Note - There were SPIDERS in my office!  I do not fear spiders but I do not like them hanging out above me watching me work!!!  I've heard of an angel on your shoulder but a spider...no thank you!  And...AND there were mouse traps everywhere!!!  What kind of dirty @$$ people worked here?!?!?!?

One of the cheap items is a toilet paper holder in the ladies room. This is no ordinary holder.  My holders at home are nothing fancy...BUT THEY WORK.  This was one of those ones that only has the two arms that "grip" the TP, without the spring loaded tube in the middle.  The problem is this one is jacked up and doesn't grip correctly.  Meaning when you tried to get TP it either gave you one square at a time or wouldn't move or would come lose causing you to spastically catch it while trying to maintain your dignity on the porcelain throne.

Well today this POS TP holder sent me to the edge of sanity.  I reached for the TP and pulled.  The TP popped off the holder and rolled 4 feet away from me.  So there I was...jeans around the ankles with one square of TP as I watched the roll, keep on rolling out of my reach. Before waddle walking with my jeans around my ankles, I just busted out laughing.

I could have cried in frustration but instead I giggled...and giggled...and giggled...and snorted.  So much so that when I finally made it out the bathroom our janitor was like "jew okay...? *sideways stare*" *sigh* Si senor, I'm okay.

Friendliness or friendly "flirting" and flirting with intent are two very different things!!!!

I am apparently a "flirt".  It drove jealous possessive exes INSANE back in the day.  But I refused to change which I think drove them more insane.  It is my personality though.  I wasn't flirting with intent...it was just me being friendly which I was told equaled "flirting".  It is hard to explain but people who have a naturally "flirty" personality understand and thankfully my hubs and I are on the same page. 

The exes would always tell me I "flirted" with people right in front of them.  That it was disrespectful and showed that I clearly had no boundaries.  This Pissed.Me.Off.  I never led anyone on.  I never allowed anyone to think my friendliness was anything more that just that...FRIEND.  I acted the same way with girls and boys.  I think this confused the Neanderthals I dated.  If me being nice was misconstrued as "I want to f**k you right here", then that person is a moron.

They used to try to make me see how "hurtful" I was being by flirting with other girls in front of me (I know, I know I picked real winners here).  The difference was THEY were leading these girls on.  They didn't make it clear that their intention was being friendly.  They flirted with intent and bought drinks and danced and almost got their @$$es kicked because these girls would find out who I was and would want to defend the poor girl whose boyfriend was blatantly flirting with them. Their body language was DIFFERENT!  I just stood on the side and rolled my eyes.  Clearly these people were extremely insecure.

Friendly "flirting" is just that, friendly...THAT IS IT!  I am meeting a new person.  I am including their girlfriend/boyfriend if they have one.  I am including their friends if they aren't alone.  I am not accepting drinks from them.  I am not grinding on them.  I am not leaning in or touching them.  I am not exchanging numbers with them.  I am JUST F**KING TALKING!  The body language doesn't say f**k me, just hi. 

Flirting with intent is different.  You are trying to "seal the deal".  If you are at a bar/club, you are accepting drinks and/or dancing.  You are exchanging numbers with promises of meeting up in the future.  The body language is different.  Your smile is different.  You are leaning in.  You are touching in some way shape or form.  You are letting them know you are interested!

THAT IS FLIRTING!!!!

Some how in the last 10 years the ability to read body language has completely disappeared or people are just incredibly cocky now.  For some reason every time I smile at someone they suddenly think I am DTF and I so am NOT.  And I am not talking about complete strangers.  I am talking about business associates, vendors, customers, etc.   Men and women alike!  There was a rumor about me at one of my customers locations that I shamelessly flirted with the CFO to get in HER pants.  Um negative ghostrider.  Sooooo what, I can't smile at people or make small talk without "leading someone on".   What the actual f**k is wrong with everyone?!?!? 

Newflash a conversation and a smile does not equal I want to f**k you...it means I am a nice f**king human being...That.Is.All!  Jesus, people, read body language.  Its not hard.  If you smile at me, I just think you are nice.  And if you think everyone who looks in your direction wants your d**k/p***y then YOU have some serious ISSUES!

Rant over, NOLA Gurl out!

Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Oooooh Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

So yesterday is now filed under things I never need to experience again...EVER.  It was a weather thing.  A BAD weather thing.  A REALLY bad weather thing that had 1/2 the state scrambling to shut down early so people wouldn't be on the roads.

The issue wasn't really rain, although that was a factor too.  The bigger issue was HIGH winds and potential tornadic activity.   While I have had the EA (Emergency Alert) on my phone go off before, had the tornado sirens go off before, had my parish calling/texting take shelter before, and even seen a tornado from a distance...I have NEVER been "in" one.  And I could live the rest of my life without experiencing another...PLEASE.

I mean I know we've been on the way "Outskirts" of tornadoes in the past but yesterday was different.  Yesterday was eerie.  I've had bad feelings before but I was a nervous wreck for a good portion of the day yesterday.  Mainly because the weather people were freaking out.  I was catching up on shows I missed when my phone really started going crazy with texts from family.  So I tuned to WDSU and my jaw dropped.  There was a tornado on the ground not far from me.   Thankfully it went just north of me but the fun wasn't over yet.  As I was staring out my back door at the sky I noticed the clouds looked "funny".  They were moving erratically, not in any one direction.  

I was debating if I should grab the animals and jump in the tub when insanity happened. 

- Everything went impossibly still. 
- Then blinding rain started coming down sideways
- There was a loud bang/explosion and the power was gone
- A siren went off 
- My phone went off 
- I grabbed two cats and two dogs and shut myself in the bathroom 

I know they say it sounds like a "train" and I can understand why.  But its not really a train.  It is quite a disturbing sound and hard to describe.  Almost like an angry moan.  It was loud and it went from moan to almost a shrieking.  You could hear $hit slamming into the house and then it was over.  It lasted minutes...seconds...I don't know.  So there I was in the dark, in the bathroom, with my phone screaming at me with alerts & seek shelter phone call/texts, and 4 frightened animals.  I literally just sat there pondering if I should exit the bathroom or hang out for a bit.  I opted to hang out for a bit.

Hubs called a few minutes later.

- Please tell me it missed us!?!?!? And y'all are okay. 
- Ummm I think so...I am in the bathroom and am not sure if I want to leave yet.

I eventually ventured out and *whew* the house was fine.  It took him 20 minutes to get home!  He works less than 5 miles away!!!   But all the damage and downed power lines made him take a crazy route to get home.  He said he was leaving work when it hit.  He said he looked towards our neighborhood and saw black clouds in the sky and a "wall of white".  He couldn't see the road/houses/businesses.

Y'all don't understand...it literally skipped our neighborhood.  2-3 blocks from us in most directions looked like a war zone but our little area just had some branches down, missing shingles, and broken fences...oh and no power.  How...???  It sucks!  Those poor people!!! Its only been three years since the flood and now they are missing roofs because of a f**king tornado!!!

We may not have power till Thursday or Friday...*gulp* that sucks! But ya know what...no power and losing my frozen foods is fine...at least my home, me, and my animals are all good. 

UPDATE - Apparently there were seven tornadoes in the area....SEVEN!!!  What the actual f**k?!!??!?

FFS people, stop putting weird $hit in your Vagina!

Clearly this is a female TMI, so you have been warned!

I don't know what your momma taught you but good lord!  At least do some research before putting strange items in your lady parts!!!!!!  Link to the article.

Dear God, Why?!?!?!

First of all they look like a those snap pop fire crackers and to me that screams "Danger Will Robinson!" 

Second they strangely resemble illustrations of sperm. 

Third its a small bag of herbs your insert into your hoohah...three times a month-ish for four months, just why!?!

Foreign objects in your vag can cause issues.  We already have 3-7 days a month where we kind of have to put something else in there.  It's a "delicate" balance!!!  They tell us not to "flush" things out for the same reasons.  So why why why why would you put a detox bag in there???   Sooooo, if you have funk go to the DOCTOR!!! Or eat healthier.  Or drink more water.  Or use a condom. I don't know, just stop doing this. 

Look, I am a firm believer in some holistic...herbal...essential oil treatments but there is a point...it's just...some things you just shouldn't do.

My body doesn't like certain perfumes & deodorizers (see previous post)....something tells me an herbal tampon would not go over well.   Angry arm pits, I can deal with.  I'd rather not have an angry $natch just saying. 

Favorite quote: "Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra," Dr. Jen Gunter said.

That's right, this article made me channel ERIC CARTMAN!

Also, if you are brave...go to the product page and check out the "discharge" pics.  

I'm a girl...I know, uh, what's up with lady things and I REALLY did not need to see any of that.  To me that looks like you body reacting poorly to the insert...yea its "cleansing" itself...because you stuck a bag of dried plants in it.  

Like I've always said to each his (her) own but this is one of those things I just don't agree with.  

I'm sorry but who DOES these things?!? Gross, gross...ewwwwwww

I might not be able to pass a "health inspector" test but I do keep my kitchen mostly spotless.  I am not a slob nor am I am neat freak but I do take special precautions when fixing food.

This list prompted this. "19 Gross Kitchen Habits You Probably Definitely Have"

I don't...am I weird for NOT doing these????  I'm gonna list some of them below for ease of reading but you should look at the link.

2. Prepping raw meat, especially poultry, without constantly washing and sanitizing any surface it touches.

Who the f**k touches anything after dealing with raw meat!?!?!?  That's just nasty.  Germs and bacteria aside...do you WANT slimy chicken funk or BLOOD on your counters?!?!!  Wash your f**king hands!

4. Not properly disinfecting or bleaching your cutting board.

Again, why would ANYONE cut raw meat and then use the same board for veggies???  

5. Using a sponge for way too long.

Who uses and keeps sponges?!?!?  Those are just germ factories.  I know it would be expensive but if you must use them, toss them afterwards.  I just don't use them.  After one use they smell funny, even if you rise them well and let them dry out properly. 

7. Forgetting to disinfect the bottom of your kitchen sink — and eating stuff that’s dropped down there.

 What the actual f**k?!?!?!  My sink is spotless and shiny and I wouldn't eat from it! 

8. Wiping your counters down with a dirty sponge or rag.

OMG just no!  Use a Clorox wipe or a spray with a paper towel.  

9. Not sanitizing or replacing your dish brushes often enough.

They are $1 at the Dollar Tree.  You have zero excuses.  If you are that cheap run them through the dishwasher (the brush not the sponge) and be done with it.  

10. Cooking while you’re sick, especially with a stomach bug.

Who even wants to see food much less smell it RAW while sick with a stomach?!!?!?  If you must "cook" for your family while ill, order pizza.  If you have a husband put him to work.  If you absolutely have to cook wear a mask and for god's sake WASH YOUR HANDS! 

14. Letting your cat walk all over the counters where you prepare and eat food.

Bad kitty!  My cats are sprayed with water if they go in the kitchen.  And because I know they can be little $hits when I'm not home, I wipe my counters down before and after I cook.  Its for my own sanity even though I am fairly certain they just sleep all day.  

15. Forgetting to rinse your produce.

Stop being lazy!!!  It takes almost zero time to rise your food off.  Just think about everyone touching the produce at the grocery...and the pre-washed stuff....haven't you seen those pictures of creatures trapped in the bags.  Just don't take a chance and wash it!

 

16. Leaving leftovers in the fridge for too long.

I don't agree with the 5 day rule.  My rule is 1 week-ish.  Leftovers don't usually last that long in my house but if they don't I use the smell and look test.  Its smells okay, cool...no mold, great.  Anything that MIGHT be thinking about developing...nuke it in the microwave...there safe...right.  Longer than a week...I usually just toss for my own sanity.  

17. Using the same old hand towel to dry dishes and your hands.

Gross!  I picked up our hand towel the other day and freaked.  One of us must have wiped food on it.  It smelled like dead animal *gag*.   We don't hand dry most things.  We put them on the drying rack overnight.  If it must be dried right away we grab a fresh towel and then toss it in the wash after or use paper towels.  Yes that can be wasteful but I don't like dying, so yea. 

19. Forgetting to wash your hands the right way. All. The. Time.

Are you f**king kidding me?!?  Come on people!  Soap up and sing happy birthday. I do think constant, OCD type washing is bad.  But you should still do some washing because OTHER people are nasty.  You touch door knobs, light switches, faucet handles, etc it wont kill you to wash-up.  I am not a germ-a-phob but I work with a bunch of disgusting people so I have hand sanitizer on my desk.  I don't like plague...thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought the saying was "light a fire under their @$$" not "light a fire under their arms"

Sooooooo I think I have stated before I have "Weird Skin".  Meaning it is normal 99% of the time but that 1% can be brutal. 

I don't have "sensitive skin" all the time.  I wear Bath & Body Works lotions.  I wear various makeup brands.  I wear perfume & body splash.  I use regular shampoos, conditioners, and hair dyes.  I use various body washes in the shower.  I use Purex laundry detergent.  All with ZERO issues. 

But I've discovered, there are some RANDOM things I cannot use. 


It all came to a horrible, horrible head yesterday.  I am a product reviewer.  I get free samples ALL THE TIME.  One of my free samples tried to kill me...okay that's a bit dramatic...but it definitely caused me some pain & suffering. 

I got a deodorant sample.  Secret (I've used this brand before in gel form) Clinical Strength Smooth Solid Antiperspirant Deodorant (I've not used that before).  I prefer the solids to the gels which is why I got away from Secret in the first place.  Since it was clinical strength, I thought using it before Zumba would be the perfect test.  Right?!?!

Anyways, I put it on, no issues.  I got to class, no issues.  I started sweating, "Houston, we have a problem".   It felt like someone was rubbing sandpaper under my arms.  "Hmmm that is an odd sensation". 

I kept dancing.  It started to get really uncomfortable but I didn't want to look because I was in a room full of people and it would look like I was smelling my pits.  Suddenly the world went RED.  It felt like a match was being held under each pit.  "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"...."This girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire, this girl is on fiiiuuuuuuure". 

At this point I had 15 min left of class.  I grabbed my stuff and BOLTED.  I did not pass Go, I did not collect $200, I jumped in my car and went home.  They probably thought I $hit myself or something...

I wear tanks to workout, so when I got home I ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror.  Oh God...oh...they looked so angry!!! 

I had bright red, puffy patches under each arm and they were sizzling.  Well they felt like they were sizzling.  I jumped in the shower and soaped up. 

It hurt soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. 


Cold water "owww"

Warm water "owwwwwww"

Soap *screeeeech* "are you f**king kidding me?!?! Was that acid or Dove?!!??!". 

I finally finished and toweled off...VERY CAREFULLY.  I didn't want to put my Dove Deodorant on with them being all "F**k you b**ch" and red.  So I put on Rx strength Hydrocortisone Cream, "Oh...oh that feels MUCH better." I added some baby powder because the skin was raw and enraged.  It still hurt like a mofo but they weren't "sizzling" anymore. 

I have no idea what ingredient I am allergic to but something clearly pissed off my skin.  But only when I started sweating sooooo it must be whatever activates for "wetness"....I guess.  Whatever it was I can't use it again...I will just stick to Dove...thanks. 

P.S. They are much better this morning.  Still irritated but MUCH better. 

That is sooooooooooooooo not fair!!!

I know I know actors have other engagements and such BUT we didn't get Matt Smith here for NOLACC or WWNOLA or whatever you call it because of a scheduling conflict.  But NYC can get them BOTH.  Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Hahaha jk....well I am disappointed for me (ha!) but excited for the peeps up there that CAN go.

Can I just tell you the level of fangirling I'd be doing?!?  Obviously pre photo op because I don't really do the crazy fangirl in public thing.  Although I'd probably be 50 shades of red for the pics.  Seriously though, I would WITHOUT.A.DOUBT figure out a way to afford that.  Just saying! OMG what if it was a dual photo op *thump* sorry I just fell over thinking about it. 

Luck you New Yorkers, I am soooooooooooooooo jealous. 


UPDATE - $850 for a dual photo?!!?!?  WTF, did I read that right?!!??!  Is that normal???  I am new to this whole photo op thing.  That is more than my house note!!!!!!  Are you out of your MINDS?!?!?!  Geez...I mean I know they are "high demand" but holy crap!  Wait its more than that...its $850 + 75.48 (fee)....$925.48.  That...that is my house note plus Entergy & water.  WTF, over?!  F**k that...I'd love a photo (if I was in NYC) but that whole financial responsibilities thing just slapped me in the face....

So if I plant them do I get my own mini savior...?

Oh my, I might be going to hell for that one. But you laughed, didn't you? *muahahaaha*

What...why...I don't...why...?  And by the way the first time I read it, I read "Jesus promises seed" and was confused.   Also, they look like sun bleached candy corn.  I HATE candy corn *shudder*.  

I don't get the seed thing...  Am I missing something?  Did I forget part of my religious upbringing?  Is it like...so a promise when planted like a seed grows into something beautiful...?  Okay, I can get behind that.   

He made a proclamation to come back after dying for our sins.  Is that the promise?  

Is this a new thing?  I've never seen "scripture candy" before.  Like I know some Easter candies have other meanings related to Easter but this is new to me.  I'm not being a complete jerk I am genuinely curious.  I just don't think I agree with the branding.  If we are going for the "seed" thing why not do something like chocolate covered sunflower seeds or jelly beans.  Those look more like seeds to me.  These just look, unappetizing. 

Also,  I don't know how I feel about saying I ate "Jesus Seeds"...its just...its just WEIRD. 

Happy V Day or something

Alright so I am not a big celebrator of the Valentine's Day.  I mean its fine if you do but I've never been big on it.  It used to driver my High School and College boyfriend's crazy!!!  I appreciated all of their efforts and I always got them SOMETHING but it was just another day to me.  I think it is because my parents were never hardcore Valentine's peeps so I never understood what the hype was about.


Flash forward to now.  Thank doG, I married someone like me.  He thinks it is *meh* too.  We still do something just for the hell of it, like grill or get "fancy" take out.  And by fancy I mean this Mexican restaurant that serves authentic Mexican style food, not the Americanized stuff.  I like that too but this one is so YUMMY!

This year we were low key as usual.  Got some steaks and the "special of the day" lobster tails to cook at home and called it a night.  He got me flowers and my fav wine (not expensive) and I got him non local beer.  We watched the FOX Sunday night line up (soooooo romantic) and it was wonderful!

While I was shopping for our "feast" I saw chocolate covered strawberries.  1/2 dozen for $5, WHAT?!?! That is a STEAL!

Then while we were eating them I saw this one and we laughed so hard I almost lost the treat to my overly curious dog.  "NOOOOOO, chocolate is bad for you!"

Someone got a little TOO excited about V Day. 

Okay MAYBE we are a tad childish but come on!  The others were all perfect little white accent lines and this one looks like...well it looks like when a high school boy is touched by his girlfriend/boyfriend for the first time.  The bakery should have put this one aside as a "fail".  If you don't see what I am talking about, good on you...you do not have a "dirty" mind.  The rest of you, the club meets daily on the Internet.  *muahhahaha*

 

F**k Cancer

I'm fine and my immediate family/friends are fine but someone I haven't thought about in YEARS isn't.  He is a friend of a friend but when he came visit us we became fast friends.  We probably haven't spoken in 10 years but we keep up with each other through our mutual friend.

He is 1 year older than me (soooo YOUNG!).  He was having abdominal pains.  The docs couldn't pin point the source of the pain.  Things like obstruction, twisted bowel, cyst, etc were thrown out.  Then someone took a closer look at an x-ray and saw something hiding behind his other organs.  He went into emergency surgery because of the location and size.  We are hoping it was caught in time and all will be well but I am so scared for him...for his wife...for his young children. 

I haven't really thought about him in a long while so when I heard this news all the crazy college visits came flooding back.  One in particular has me smiling like an idiot.  So everyone was gone for a break/holiday thing.  There were only a few of us left in the area.  I went home to NOLA to visit the fam.  I got a call from my friend saying his BFF from high school flew in on a whim and they were heading to NOLA.  I was like, here's my momma's address pick me up on the way to town. 

I thought my momma was gonna pass out when they showed up at the door.  I come from a VERY Southern/Sheltered/Catholic family.  My friend and his BFF are Middle Eastern.  I saw no issue but apparently all the stereotypes she'd heard came flying to the surface.  Thankfully she just smiled and was super polite.  (she's fine with it now because well, he is just a normal guy) So off we went to show my new buddy the infamous City of New Orleans.  

We had sooooooooooo much fun.  The best part about being a local is seeing the amazement and wonder through a tourist.  A tourist who isn't acting like a jerk-face but embracing all the uniqueness that is NOLA.  What was funny is my friend was BFF's with my then Boyfriend so they were "protecting" me from being hit on.  They learned the best way to do this was to tell everyone I was their SISTER!  You don't understand how funny this was.  People were like "whaaaa...really?!!?" Think about it.  They are both brown skinned with dark hair and dark eyes.  I am light olive complected with blonde hair and green eyes.  It was hilarious!  It was so fun that the joke has stuck around all these years later.  I still get introduced as the "sister" by my friend and its still flipping hilarious because people don't always cover their "shock" well. 

All silly memories aside, I am worried about my brother from another mother...city...COUNTRY but I am hoping it being caught early, they can get him on the road to recovery quickly.  

Apparently I want to be a personal assistant....not sure when that happened...

So I have weird dreams right?  When I take things like NyQuil they get ever more strange.  Usually people dream about being heroes or famous or I dunno something they aspire to.  No not me...I dreamt I was a personal assistant.  But not just to anyone...to a celebrity.  A celebrity...really...WTF?!?!  And not in a "personal" way, just a literal personal assistant.  The problem was I was hired blind.  Meaning I didn't know WHO I would be assisting.  I have never really wanted to be an assistant.  I assist the VP here at my current job but I am not her assistant.  Does that make sense? 

Moving on, so I am hired to be this person's assistant.  I don't know who he is but I did know he is a he, he is married, and he does have kids.  That's all I know.  So I am given all these tasks to take care of BEFORE I meet him.  I was still living in the NOLA area (Hollywood South) but he wasn't here yet or he was and just didn't have time to deal with me or whatever.  Anyways, we only communicated via text or email, never a call. 

So here I am dreaming about weird things like picking up packages, suits ordered at Saks 5th Avenue (way out of my budget), shopping at boutiques (seriously, I don't belong here), prepping an apartment in the Quarter, etc, etc, etc.  By apartment I mean a whole floor that was basically bigger than my house, geesh.  I had one of those lists...what are those lists called that celebrities use when on tour?!!??!  Riders, they are called riders.  Anyways, I had one of those for this person.  So here I am buying the most random things with my CC and being reimbursed...I don't think that's how this works but okay.  I couldn't figure out who I was working for.  They were using a fake name, John Davidson...WTF kind of fake name is that?!?  The list wasn't too over the top.  I mean there were no psycho requests like "no brown M&M's" or whatever that one celeb wanted.  But the things on the list did include kiddie stuff so I assumed little ones were coming also. 

Whomever it was, was so kind in their responses.  Me: "Hey I managed to find those herbal tea blah blah blah's at a specialty store", Them: "Oh wonderful, I appreciate you preparing all of this for me".  Well finally the day came where I was to meet my new employer.  And I was LATE!!!  I was sick (which I actually was at the time of my dream) so I overslept.  I freaked out and my husband was like "it will be fine, I'm sure he'll understand".  So I called the number I'd been texting and a lady answered.  She giggled and said "Mr. Davidson's phone how can I assist you" or something of that nature.  Me thinking "*crap crap crap* I've already been replaced!!!", I explained who I was and why I was calling and apologized profusely.  She immediately said "Oh love, its fine!  This is his wife, you just get here as soon as you can, no rush.  Wait, hold on a tic".  Then I hear a voice in the background say "Everything alright?", wait...I know that voice.  His wife explains what happened and says "Poor dear sounds petrified that you would be angry".  His response, "Does she really think I could hate her after everything she has done to help us?" 

Then I woke up coughing up a lung.  I'm being serious...I coughed so hard my ribs hurt.  Now, I can't say with 100% certainty because I was 100% drugged up on NyQuil but I am 99.9% certain my celebrity boss was *god this is embarrassing*...David Tennant.  Whaaaaaaaaa?!!?!?!?  Why would I dream about that?!?!  Why would he be here?!?!?!  I mean I clearly enjoy his work but that is an ODD dream.  Personal Assistant...RANDOM!  That's it, I am laying off the NyQuil. 

That was not made by a human...it was very not human...have I been abducted?!?!?

So reason number 4,658 why sick people should STAY home!  I am sick...I am home...I am still working...OMG the insanity.  Other persons do not do this and this is why I am SICK!  This is gross....funny but gross so read at your own risk. 

A couple days ago I developed a cough while at work.  Not like a tiny *cough, cough*.  I mean like a *cough, cough*.  Ya know that hollow deep chest cough that makes you sound like you are barking.  Attractive I know.  It was so bad that our boss was like "Hey lil bit, you okay?".  Do I sound okay?!?!!??!  I went home (like a good person does) so as not to infect anyone else who hasn't caught the crud yet. 

Side Note - When I cough or sneeze I do it into my shirt/dress.  It keeps the nastiness contained to me!  Don't use your hands, you touch things with those.  Well I mean its better than nothing.  Your elbow is better but only deflects the spray.  Again, ewwww, I know. 

Well today I woke up sounding worse than I feel.  I actually feel MUCH better but the voice is shot and I am coughing so much more!!!  But its not the hollow cough...its that gross cough.  That, "I smoked for 50 years" cough.  And then it happened.  I was on the phone with a client and I felt the tickle.  The tickle that would let me know I am about to have the mother of all coughing fits.  I held it back trying to finish my conversation but the urge was so strong.  My eyes were watering and my voice kept catching when I spoke.  So I did a tiny *cough* to abate it.  I immediately regretted that decision and wanted to vomit.  

Thankfully the client was still talking so I ran to the bathroom, put the phone on mute, and spit out the creature suddenly invading my mouth.   "*ahhhhhhh* WTF is that?!!?!?"  We've all been sick and had nastiness come out I am sure.  But this was new.  This was clearly alive...maybe...or I'm hallucinating...also possible. Either way, I am pretty sure I "birthed" a baby Blob.   

Husband said all he heard was "*bleh* Whaaaaaaa....ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Does that have fur!!!?!? That CANNOT be normal".  I swear it may have had an "eye". 

I know I know, TMI.... Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  Things that are NEON green should not be produced by my body!!!!!  Apparently, I am wrong...this is normal....  "Some believe that the presence of mucus indicates that there is something wrong with them, but in fact, it is just the natural immune response of the body to various invaders that attack it."  Yea yea I knew that, but NEON green!?!?!?  "Typically, this occurs when the immune system sends white blood cells to the area of infection. These cells contain a green protein, which, when present in large quantities, turn the mucus into a greenish hue."  

It says greenish not NEON green.  Clearly not normal, right?  Husband says I am being silly.  Fine, so not an alien.   Maybe I should lay off the X-Files.  Or watch it more...ya know for science or something.    

 

Want to make a woman go bat-crap crazy on you....tell her she is like her mother AFTER she just complained how bat-crap crazy her mother is....

I am basically chill.  Most things don't get to me.  I am not easily offended.  Everyone gets mad/irritated/upset but I usually handle it in a very mature manner.  But there are times.  Oh there are times when the stars align.  These are bad times.  It usually means I've absorbed too much bull$hit.  I am past full.  One more molecule of bull$hit and it will all come flying back out.  Usually at an unsuspecting person who, in their defense, is used to me being calm and collected not a raging bull. 

Okay so here is why I was "full":

1. I am sick, like got the crud from idiot co-workers who came to work with the Plague and touched all my stuff, oh AND coughed INTO my office without covering their mouths!!!!!

2.  For the past 15 months we have been watching Oil go into the $hitter.  Last month it tanked.  $25 per barrel, what the actual f**K?!!?!?  I mean it rebounded some but this is still bad.  We live in LA...an oil & gas state...people are being laid off...this is NO BUENO

3.  With that knowledge my sig other has STILL been pestering me about a new vehicle.  Well a used vehicle...new to him.  Because he "wants" it.  Oh yea, well I want all sorts of stuff...doesn't mean I am going to just buy them!  Look, I am nice to a point.  "I really don't think that's a wise decision".  "You wont be able to sell your vehicle for what is left on the note".  "Why get ANOTHER note when this one will be paid off in 1 year?!?!" "I might not have a JOB in a few months...".  "FFS just NO!"

4.  Same discussions were had at the end of LAST year regarding a gaming console (that is for both of us *rolling eyes*), a family trip to the most magical place on Earth, and an overpriced gym membership with a CONTRACT.  I nixed those ideas citing FAILING ECONOMY and potential job loss.  I was "vetoed".  And by vetoed I mean he bought them anyway even after I said, bad idea.  It was justified with bonuses, tax refunds, a more than likely promotion, and a but I really want ____.  Yes, lets spend money we don't have YET.  That whole working as a team thing in action *beating head on keyboard* jhakhdfkhsj.

5.  My female parental unit has been driving me up an ever loving wall with BS tech crap.  Look I get it...you weren't "raised" with computers....but NEITHER WAS I technically and I still figured them out.  So if you want my help STOP yelling at me when I try to help.

6. My office is in the process of selling EVERYTHING that we don't need and moving to a smaller location.  It has been "organized" chaos for 3 weeks. 

7.  I'm.a.girl

This is like the unholy aligning of everything awful.  I've managed so far.  I haven't lashed out.  I've taken everything in stride *whooosa*.  And then I broke.

Me: *sounding completely defeated* Can you please clean up the kitchen tonight, its your turn or something.
Other half: You aren't the only one who cleans the f**king kitchen
Me: Ummmmm, right...just asking and don't "curse at me"
Other half: Just saying, I'll do it later
*text notification*
Me: *sigh* why can't she just do what I tell her and not freak out in 1000 !!!!! because "she wasn't raised with computers"
Other half:  *silence* *staring at phone*
Me: Right  *goes to heat up dinner* *starts putting away dishes because I am in there so why the f**k not*
Me:  Can you feed the dogs?
Other half: *Silence*
Me: *starts feeding dogs*
Other half: *5 minutes later* I'm going to bring convict (dog) to see that vehicle.  *looks up* I said I'd do it!
Me: *with attitude* Really, didn't hear you say, well ANYTHING.  Plus, I was in here and I didn't want to "nag" you into actually helping out
Other half: *quietly* You sound like your mother
Me: *leans over sink trying to convince myself that throwing my dinner at him would be a bad idea and almost failing*

 *instead bursts into angry tears*
Other half: *doesn't notice* *comes in kitchen*  Why are you crying...?
Me: Go away, I've got it
Other half: I said I'd do it. Why are you crying???
Me: Please leave me alone
Other half: Stop.  Why...
Me: Of all the f**king things you could say to me, you say that?!!?!?
*chaos ensures* *confusion* *I was just jokings are said*
Other half: Well, that is something she would say

Me: I'm out...*has an anxiety attack in the bedroom*
*15 min later*
Other half: I'm going to check out that vehicle tomorrow
Me: *screaming in my head* Ya know what, whatever

I am very proud that I didn't throw anything because I REALLY WANTED TO.  I mean am I being too understanding...am I that hard to read...or is this just a case of "I want to do it, so I'm going to do it (or not do it), regardless of what MY SPOUSE says".  

P.S. We talked it out a little later and the vehicle is now off the table because "I don't want him to have it *rolling eyes*".  Still more to be discussed. We all have issues mine just all came to a head at one time.  Financial BS is the WORST, especially when only one of you seems to pay attention to the world outside of our little bubble.  3,000 people showed up to a New Costco where 300 jobs were being added.  THREE THOUSAND unemployed persons...most being overly highly qualified showed up to get jobs as cashiers and stockers (nothing wrong with those jobs, just pointing out how not normal that is).  Yes, lets buy unnecessary things right now, that's a great idea...