My house smells like baked badussy!

Soooooo I may murder my sig other.  I mean not really but I am feeling stabby...maybe more punchy...definitely need a drinky...all before NOON!

So I woke up, had some coffee, watched on the news (stupid Hurricane Nate *grumble grumble*), and decided at some point I wanted some cheese toast for lunch. 

What is cheese toast?  It is toast with cheese...

Okay so basically I take some bread, put a bunch of sharp cheddar on it, sprinkle a little Tabasco, and toast it (like an open faced grilled cheese).  I should mention, I didn't have any lights on and its kinda dark in here bc its overcast (stupid Nate). So I opened the toaster oven and plopped my two cheese breads on the pan.

I went about my business while it toasted.  When suddenly the most AWFUL smell permeated the air.  Funky snatch with a hint of @$$.  WTF?!?!  Why does my cheese toast smell like rotten wookie!??!  I opened the oven (BIG MISTAKE) and was assaulted by skunk toe. 

"OMG, *gag*...what...*gag*...What is that?!?!!?" 

So I pull out the pan and see there is something on it under my toast...

I pick up one slice of toast *sniff*...*hork*...ewwwwwwww
I dumped both pieces in the trash...
I looked closer at the pan.  The "something under my toast" has a distinct rectangular/square shape. 

*sniff* "why do I do this to myself?!?!" *huuuuuuuualrk*

Poo-yee-yi! It smells like reheated spoiled fish...

Then I remembered.  The other night...OTHER NIGHT....not like last night or even the night before...OTHER NIGHT, like f**king MONDAY (its' Saturday)...SOMEONE reheated the left over Salmon.  So I cooked my cheese bread on top of FIVE DAY OLD Salmon juices.

The whole kitchen/living area smells like 18th century prostitute panties!

I've lost my appetite and have been exiled to the yard until the poon tang smell fades.

Who does that?!?!?  I haven't been home to cook much all week so I haven't opened the toaster oven...

I'm sorry but who DOES these things?!? Gross, gross...ewwwwwww

I might not be able to pass a "health inspector" test but I do keep my kitchen mostly spotless.  I am not a slob nor am I am neat freak but I do take special precautions when fixing food.

This list prompted this. "19 Gross Kitchen Habits You Probably Definitely Have"

I don't...am I weird for NOT doing these????  I'm gonna list some of them below for ease of reading but you should look at the link.

2. Prepping raw meat, especially poultry, without constantly washing and sanitizing any surface it touches.

Who the f**k touches anything after dealing with raw meat!?!?!?  That's just nasty.  Germs and bacteria aside...do you WANT slimy chicken funk or BLOOD on your counters?!?!!  Wash your f**king hands!

4. Not properly disinfecting or bleaching your cutting board.

Again, why would ANYONE cut raw meat and then use the same board for veggies???  

5. Using a sponge for way too long.

Who uses and keeps sponges?!?!?  Those are just germ factories.  I know it would be expensive but if you must use them, toss them afterwards.  I just don't use them.  After one use they smell funny, even if you rise them well and let them dry out properly. 

7. Forgetting to disinfect the bottom of your kitchen sink — and eating stuff that’s dropped down there.

 What the actual f**k?!?!?!  My sink is spotless and shiny and I wouldn't eat from it! 

8. Wiping your counters down with a dirty sponge or rag.

OMG just no!  Use a Clorox wipe or a spray with a paper towel.  

9. Not sanitizing or replacing your dish brushes often enough.

They are $1 at the Dollar Tree.  You have zero excuses.  If you are that cheap run them through the dishwasher (the brush not the sponge) and be done with it.  

10. Cooking while you’re sick, especially with a stomach bug.

Who even wants to see food much less smell it RAW while sick with a stomach?!!?!?  If you must "cook" for your family while ill, order pizza.  If you have a husband put him to work.  If you absolutely have to cook wear a mask and for god's sake WASH YOUR HANDS! 

14. Letting your cat walk all over the counters where you prepare and eat food.

Bad kitty!  My cats are sprayed with water if they go in the kitchen.  And because I know they can be little $hits when I'm not home, I wipe my counters down before and after I cook.  Its for my own sanity even though I am fairly certain they just sleep all day.  

15. Forgetting to rinse your produce.

Stop being lazy!!!  It takes almost zero time to rise your food off.  Just think about everyone touching the produce at the grocery...and the pre-washed stuff....haven't you seen those pictures of creatures trapped in the bags.  Just don't take a chance and wash it!

 

16. Leaving leftovers in the fridge for too long.

I don't agree with the 5 day rule.  My rule is 1 week-ish.  Leftovers don't usually last that long in my house but if they don't I use the smell and look test.  Its smells okay, cool...no mold, great.  Anything that MIGHT be thinking about developing...nuke it in the microwave...there safe...right.  Longer than a week...I usually just toss for my own sanity.  

17. Using the same old hand towel to dry dishes and your hands.

Gross!  I picked up our hand towel the other day and freaked.  One of us must have wiped food on it.  It smelled like dead animal *gag*.   We don't hand dry most things.  We put them on the drying rack overnight.  If it must be dried right away we grab a fresh towel and then toss it in the wash after or use paper towels.  Yes that can be wasteful but I don't like dying, so yea. 

19. Forgetting to wash your hands the right way. All. The. Time.

Are you f**king kidding me?!?  Come on people!  Soap up and sing happy birthday. I do think constant, OCD type washing is bad.  But you should still do some washing because OTHER people are nasty.  You touch door knobs, light switches, faucet handles, etc it wont kill you to wash-up.  I am not a germ-a-phob but I work with a bunch of disgusting people so I have hand sanitizer on my desk.  I don't like plague...thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's play a game . . .

Paranormal Activity or lazy people...? Or maybe a lazy ghost...hmmmm

Maybe I am a tad OCD but come on!  How hard is it to close the f**king drawers once you get what you need?!?!?!?!

G-Dammit Casper, if you can open them, you can close them.  Quit being an @$$hole!

Of course I just closed them but when I go get more water if they are all open again I may have to go home.  I am in danger of being possessed by some lingering spirit of our kitchen.  It's probably the remnants of a sentient bacteria that mutated in our microwave. If you are unaware of my reference  read this.

It's bad enough I can barely walk (FYI I am old...apparently that doesn't mix well with exercise), I don't need to be attacked by some rogue bacterial poltergeist.  I definitely don't get paid enough to deal with that $hit.  

SIDE NOTE: Something exploded in our microwave.  I went to heat soup at lunch and it looked like someone cooked a Gremlin.  I don't think I want to know. . .

If you don't get that reference you CLEARLY are not a child of the 80's. . . look it up. . .

You are a disgusting human being!

Ya know you think you know someone and then BAM they surprise you with something...some weird habit that is borderline UNFORGIVABLE!

I can deal with most bad habits.  I had roommates in college and spent time at boyfriend's houses back in the day...hell I lived with one a few years back (he had some strange habits).  So I've seen my fair share of "Ewwwww, don't...just ewwwwww!" moments.  Let me clarify that I am by no means perfect.  I have my own set of weird but my weird does not usually affect anyone but me.  Okay so sometimes I leave a tissue on the couch (in my "spot") or under MY pillow.  I pick it up...eventually.  Or I don't finish my bottled drinks.  As in, I'll have 5 bottles of coke/water/tea with about an inch left in the bottom in random places. 

Anyways, today I am thoroughly grossed out.  I mean, I can't...I can't even deal.  Sooooo the other night I was home alone.  I decided I wanted some wings and breadsticks.  Yes, an odd craving but this is me.  So I ordered me some Pizza Hut because they deliver and I was being quite lazy.  Once my food was delivered (25 minutes later than the estimated time *grrrrr*) I dug in while watching some DVR'd episodes of The Newsroom (I love that show!).  Did I mention they messed up my order but totally in my favor?  I ordered 8 wings and breadsticks.  I received 16 wings, waffle fries and breadsticks but was only charged for what I ordered...I think that makes up for it being a little late.

Moving on.  As I was enjoying my wings I apparently decided to breathe...while I had a mouthful of food.  I do not recommend doing this...it is a very bad idea.  So I started choking.  The food came out but I couldn't catch my breath because of the spice from the chicken.  So what do you naturally want...you want something to drink.  Or at least I do in this case.  So I grabbed the closest thing to me which happened to be a coke bottle from a previous day.  I assumed it was mine because there was about 2 inches left in the bottom (that is a me move).   It was flat (yay, no really yay, better for not choking more) so I took a huge swig. Then I immediately projectile vomited what I had eaten so far (thankfully into the plastic bag my food came in). 

You must be thinking, "what in the world could have made you do that?!?!  I mean it's just flat coke for god's sake."  No, no it wasn't just flat coke!!!!  After I calmed down I felt SOMETHING in my mouth.  Something kind of hard, almost like a small piece of plastic.  First thought, oh part of the coke bottle must have broken off, because you know that happens all the time.  In reality I was in denial.  You see it was FINGERNAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *gagging just thinking about it*  There aren't enough exclamation points to illustrate my freakout.  Apparently my AMAZING spouse either clipped or bit off some nails recently and instead of getting up and throwing them in the trash can he put them in the almost empty coke bottle sitting on the coffee table.  If that wasn't bad enough, he then left said CONTAMINATED coke bottle on the table for his unsuspecting wife to accidentally drink.  His mother would be so proud!

Even though I yacked them up, I can still FEEL it in my esophagus.  I think its my brain being weird but what if one got stuck...OMG!  Can you imagine???  What if it got infected...  "hey man, how'd your wife get so sick?" "Oh she drank my fingernails." "Whaaaaaaat kind of weird shit do y'all get up to.........."

Lesson of the day, don't drink from bottles left on the table, even if you think they are yours.

If Cleanliness is next to Godliness. . .

. . .I work with a bunch of demon spawn!!!

I'm not sure I've mentioned before but I've come to the conclusion that some people were raised in a barn. I honestly work with a bunch of slobs (not all of my coworkers, just a few). I do not claim to be the almighty clean person but I have good personal hygiene and I tend to clean up after myself.  I can't say the same for some others I know.

I know some people don't believe in taking that extra step to make a good appearance (lord knows I never wear makeup) but at least try to NOT look homeless.  We work in a professional environment, we may not have customers in here everyday but I have to look at you and if you look like you might smell bad I do not want to be near you...just saying.  So for future reference a stained/faded shirt, white washed jeans and tennis shoes are NOT business casual nor are they part of/an acceptable substitute for the uniform I personally ordered for you!!!

Moving on. . .how hard is it to replace the TP in the bathroom stall.  You are also a female you know how big of a deal this is.  We are a small office, 9 times out of 10 we are the only ones in the bathroom at a time...meaning I cannot ask "could you spare a square" to the person in the next stall because no one is there!  And I don't mean if you use the last of it...I mean if it is getting low just be a decent human being and grab another roll or I will curse you...if I ever figure out who you are; "may the fleas of 1000 camels infest your pubic hair" and if you don't have any of that I hope it feels like acid next time you pee :P.

Next topic. . .let me set the scene.  It is early in the morning.  You are making your first cup of wake up juice, also known as coffee.  You spill sugar/spelnda/creamer on the counter what do you do next?  a) wipe it up because that's what grownups do, b )leave it; who cares this isn't my house, c) swipe it onto the floor, the tile is white who will notice d) some combination of b & c with a dash of spilled coffee.  I always love it when I walk into the kitchen to get my wake-up juice only to have my shoe stick to the floor and/or crunch with every step.  Oh and aside from cleaning up after myself I just LOVE coming to work and cleaning up after you.  Thanks asshole! Not to mention the reconnaissance effort I have to go through to retrieve my shoe when the floor decides it wants to keep it. 

• Sub-topic:  please by ALL means use the last of the coffee in the pot and do NOT make another pot.  It makes me so happy to push the coffee button and have a splatter of coffee moisten my hand/shirt/cup.  I didn't realize my pristine white shirt needed brown speckles all over it to make the outfit.  I don't know what your mother taught you but in the office there isn't a magic coffee fairy that refills the pot when its empty.  There are more than a handful of us here please at least TRY to pretend you are not helpless otherwise I fear one day when its raining you will drown because you forgot to look down
• Sub-sub-topic:  if you do manage to figure out how to use the coffee maker just leave the used grinds in the filter basket to drip all over the coffee maker, table and floor.  The floor gets cranky when it doesn't get its morning drip of Joe and steals unsuspecting shoes by luring them in with sugar and creamer

Next! Please cover your food when you are heating it in the microwave!!!  There is even a sign next to the machine reminding you to do so.  Even if its just putting a paper towel over it...no one enjoys the smell of your food burning repeatedly as we heat our food.  Actually I hate to heat anything in there as I am fairly certain there is some form of life that has evolved to survive in the hostile environment because of the amount of "good eatin" that is plastered all over the walls and roof of the microwave.  10 times reheated Mexican leftovers smells like ass mixed with vomit when combined with the smell of my once savory tomato soup!


I can't believe I actually have to say this but...wash your effing hands!!!  Or at least sanitize or something.  I feel like I work with a bunch of toddlers.  There are greasy fingerprints and smudges on everything!  Today when I went to heat my food there was a questionable smudge on the 3 button.  I am assuming it was some sort of food product but I swear to you know who that it looked like a booger.  WTF man...if you must pick please wipe it on yourself!  Or use a tissue...in the bathroom and wash you effing hands!  I do not have children yet but when I do those are the only boogers I expect to see or be cleaning *shudder*.  You-are-welcome...I cleaned your nastiness off the keypad...if I figure out who you are I am so loud capping you in the next meeting!

Did I forget anything?  Inner office manners matter...or am I being a royal  B for expecting grown ass men AND women to pick up after themselves?!?!?!?

I think I've developed an addiction to Disinfecting Wipes...they've helped me keep my sanity.  They are my precious *insane cackling*.