"Attack" on the porch at night

It’s been a rainy few days here.  Like literally monsooning constantly.  So instead of two pools days for the holiday weekend.  We had zero.  ZERO pool days.  That should be illegal.  

Well one of the two days we still went hang out with our peeps.  We had bbq….inside, had some adult beverages and tried to make the best of a crappy day. 

We headed home disappointed but still happy for the bonding time.  As we walked up to the door holding our unused bathing suits I realized leaving the porch light on was not the best idea. 

I knew we would be home after dark so I left it on but I didn't think about little flying annoyances (termites) which were swarming on our porch (GREAT).  

Hubs was like ok, I'ma open the door and we run in. 

So he starts swinging his arm above his head to clear them a bit before opening the door.  I was about a foot or two behind him hands full. 

When suddenly large-ish shadow came flying at me a slapped into my shoulder.  It was dark enough that I had ZERO idea what it was. 

My first thought was "F*******K a bug who shall not be named!" As I started to raise my hand to swat it off of me...it ran up my neck into my hair.

Cue me LITERALLY dropping everything and freaking the f**k out! Screaming "get it off, get it off, get it ooooofff!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in increasingly more high pitched notes.

My panic subsided enough to realize the legs weren't bug like...but soft and sticky.  So I paused my freakout. 

That's when a small reptile face peaked over my forehead and jumped to the garage door. It was a GECKO!!!! He was easily the length of my hand. Which I know I have small hands but that's still a BIG gecko!

As I stood there disheveled and frazzled hubs says"It's really not that big of a deal". 

Tell your sleep paralysis demon he needs to pay rent....and my therapist bill!

Get married they said.  It will be fun they said. They forgot to mention the potential existential terror sleeping next to another person might cause. 

I can't always fall asleep right away when I go to bed so I'll read or play on Imgur or something.  The other night I was doing that next to my sleeping husband (mind you lights are out) when all hell broke loose. 

Hubs: *out of a dead sleep whisper yelling* NOLA GURL!!!! *hitting my thigh*

Me: What?!?!?!!  What's wrong?!!?

Hubs: Something is above your iPad.....

Me: I beg your finest pardon?!?!?!!?

Hubs: It's....on the ceiling

Me: *panicking but thinking ok he's asleep* I don't see anything

Hubs: *grabs my hand in an almost painful grip* *eyes WIDE open*

Me: *about to stroke out*

Hubs: I think it's growling at me

Me: I'm sorry its what.....????????????????

Hubs: Its like growling talking

Me: WHAT?!?!?! *about to $hit the bed*

Hubs: *in a tiny voice* It says its gonna grab me and throw me over there! *points to closet*

Me: Alexa LUMOS!!!!!

Blinding lights come on.  I am sitting up. The dogs are looking at me like I've LOST MY MIND.  Nothing is on the ceiling.  Hubs goes "Oh well it's gone".  Rolls over...AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP!!!!!!!

Cool cool cool you get some rest while I stare into the dark and hope the dark isn't staring back......

Note - He had not been drinking and doesn't take drugs...nor was he on anything like Ambien....

My house smells like baked badussy!

Soooooo I may murder my sig other.  I mean not really but I am feeling stabby...maybe more punchy...definitely need a drinky...all before NOON!

So I woke up, had some coffee, watched on the news (stupid Hurricane Nate *grumble grumble*), and decided at some point I wanted some cheese toast for lunch. 

What is cheese toast?  It is toast with cheese...

Okay so basically I take some bread, put a bunch of sharp cheddar on it, sprinkle a little Tabasco, and toast it (like an open faced grilled cheese).  I should mention, I didn't have any lights on and its kinda dark in here bc its overcast (stupid Nate). So I opened the toaster oven and plopped my two cheese breads on the pan.

I went about my business while it toasted.  When suddenly the most AWFUL smell permeated the air.  Funky snatch with a hint of @$$.  WTF?!?!  Why does my cheese toast smell like rotten wookie!??!  I opened the oven (BIG MISTAKE) and was assaulted by skunk toe. 

"OMG, *gag*...what...*gag*...What is that?!?!!?" 

So I pull out the pan and see there is something on it under my toast...

I pick up one slice of toast *sniff*...*hork*...ewwwwwwww
I dumped both pieces in the trash...
I looked closer at the pan.  The "something under my toast" has a distinct rectangular/square shape. 

*sniff* "why do I do this to myself?!?!" *huuuuuuuualrk*

Poo-yee-yi! It smells like reheated spoiled fish...

Then I remembered.  The other night...OTHER NIGHT....not like last night or even the night before...OTHER NIGHT, like f**king MONDAY (its' Saturday)...SOMEONE reheated the left over Salmon.  So I cooked my cheese bread on top of FIVE DAY OLD Salmon juices.

The whole kitchen/living area smells like 18th century prostitute panties!

I've lost my appetite and have been exiled to the yard until the poon tang smell fades.

Who does that?!?!?  I haven't been home to cook much all week so I haven't opened the toaster oven...

Good lord man do you ever sleep?!?!

Okay so I am clearly a fan of that tall, skinny, Scottish actor guy.  Like I actually think he's a stupid talented actor but I also have a tiny crush.  But I think its because he's eerily similar to my wonderful husband, well he's older so I guess my husband is like him...whatever.  Who am I talking about...? *muahahahaha*

Obvi my hubs isn't a super famous actor but they have similar looks and mannerisms and on occasion when I see interviews its uber weird.  Especially when the hubs grew a beard last year....

Anyways, that probably has something to do with my enjoyment of said actor.

SIDE NOTE - I met my husband before I really knew much of this actor I am speaking of

Moving on... sir you are not the energizer bunny!  Every time I turn around I see "David Tennant to star in _____".  Not complaining, just impressed.

Just in the last year....

How to Train Your Dragon TV Show
Ducktales
Broadchurch Season 3
You, me, & him
Call of Duty WWII
Good Omens
Jessica Jones Season 2

I'm sure there are more but gooooooooodness. Whatever, I still think he's stupid adorable...its rather silly if I'm being truthful.

Oh good lord he's a huge dork...Okay maybe its less of a crush and more of I think he might be my spirit animal

Not....not here...he's just creepy AF here...I am not creepy...well not usually...okay not intentionally....

Oh come on....now THAT should be illegal!  This is the best way to make someone giggle uncontrollably...

Maybe I should resign from the internet....

Hey, what ya doin' up there...? How'd you get your leg that high? OMG what's he doing to you?!?! I may need a closer look....

Things that my 6 month old puppy says in her head...

I've had dogs my whole life. 

I've had dogs and cats since being an adult and living on my own.  Every animal I've had as an adult hid during sexy time.......

........except one.  He was a special boy.  He was a Rottie and he really wanted to get a closer look and/or lick my husbands butt-cheek...ya know just to see him jump ten feet in the air.  But he never got in the bed/on the couch...he didn't have to, nor did he stick around for long.  He was 90lbs and tall...he just picked his head up to look. 

My current little pup seems to be like him.  She is VERY curious what is happening.  But she doesn't just do the creepy watch from a distance. 

Noooooo not her.  She jumps in the bed and tries to get a closer look at the action.  I've never had my @$$hole licked (CREEEEEEEPY!)...until we adopted her. JFC dog, not cool! She was promptly kicked out of the room.  Usually we catch her before she gets too close BUT sometimes when things are really good, you may not notice and suddenly you have a furry head on your bare breasts or something (that isn't your partner) licking your ear hole.

Last night though was probably the funniest moment thus far.  Things were going...quite well so we didn't notice her jump up in the bed.  THANKFULLY its chilly so we were under the covers.  I felt a pressure against my side but I didn't really pay attention to it.  Then suddenly I hear the loudest sigh/moan/groan I have ever heard come from such a small dog.  She was laying down, pressed up against me...and apparently very annoyed that we were NOT paying attention to her, I guess.  The look on her face........

..........we both burst into a fit of giggles...and kicked her off the bed.

After we were done, I looked to my right and burst out laughing again.  She was sitting on the floor glaring at us with her ears back like we'd just offended her ancestors or something. 

I've never dealt with this before...is it pure curiosity...is it a type of jealousy...is it just a weird dog who doesn't understand what's happening...?

Want to make a woman go bat-crap crazy on you....tell her she is like her mother AFTER she just complained how bat-crap crazy her mother is....

I am basically chill.  Most things don't get to me.  I am not easily offended.  Everyone gets mad/irritated/upset but I usually handle it in a very mature manner.  But there are times.  Oh there are times when the stars align.  These are bad times.  It usually means I've absorbed too much bull$hit.  I am past full.  One more molecule of bull$hit and it will all come flying back out.  Usually at an unsuspecting person who, in their defense, is used to me being calm and collected not a raging bull. 

Okay so here is why I was "full":

1. I am sick, like got the crud from idiot co-workers who came to work with the Plague and touched all my stuff, oh AND coughed INTO my office without covering their mouths!!!!!

2.  For the past 15 months we have been watching Oil go into the $hitter.  Last month it tanked.  $25 per barrel, what the actual f**K?!!?!?  I mean it rebounded some but this is still bad.  We live in LA...an oil & gas state...people are being laid off...this is NO BUENO

3.  With that knowledge my sig other has STILL been pestering me about a new vehicle.  Well a used vehicle...new to him.  Because he "wants" it.  Oh yea, well I want all sorts of stuff...doesn't mean I am going to just buy them!  Look, I am nice to a point.  "I really don't think that's a wise decision".  "You wont be able to sell your vehicle for what is left on the note".  "Why get ANOTHER note when this one will be paid off in 1 year?!?!" "I might not have a JOB in a few months...".  "FFS just NO!"

4.  Same discussions were had at the end of LAST year regarding a gaming console (that is for both of us *rolling eyes*), a family trip to the most magical place on Earth, and an overpriced gym membership with a CONTRACT.  I nixed those ideas citing FAILING ECONOMY and potential job loss.  I was "vetoed".  And by vetoed I mean he bought them anyway even after I said, bad idea.  It was justified with bonuses, tax refunds, a more than likely promotion, and a but I really want ____.  Yes, lets spend money we don't have YET.  That whole working as a team thing in action *beating head on keyboard* jhakhdfkhsj.

5.  My female parental unit has been driving me up an ever loving wall with BS tech crap.  Look I get it...you weren't "raised" with computers....but NEITHER WAS I technically and I still figured them out.  So if you want my help STOP yelling at me when I try to help.

6. My office is in the process of selling EVERYTHING that we don't need and moving to a smaller location.  It has been "organized" chaos for 3 weeks. 

7.  I'm.a.girl

This is like the unholy aligning of everything awful.  I've managed so far.  I haven't lashed out.  I've taken everything in stride *whooosa*.  And then I broke.

Me: *sounding completely defeated* Can you please clean up the kitchen tonight, its your turn or something.
Other half: You aren't the only one who cleans the f**king kitchen
Me: Ummmmm, right...just asking and don't "curse at me"
Other half: Just saying, I'll do it later
*text notification*
Me: *sigh* why can't she just do what I tell her and not freak out in 1000 !!!!! because "she wasn't raised with computers"
Other half:  *silence* *staring at phone*
Me: Right  *goes to heat up dinner* *starts putting away dishes because I am in there so why the f**k not*
Me:  Can you feed the dogs?
Other half: *Silence*
Me: *starts feeding dogs*
Other half: *5 minutes later* I'm going to bring convict (dog) to see that vehicle.  *looks up* I said I'd do it!
Me: *with attitude* Really, didn't hear you say, well ANYTHING.  Plus, I was in here and I didn't want to "nag" you into actually helping out
Other half: *quietly* You sound like your mother
Me: *leans over sink trying to convince myself that throwing my dinner at him would be a bad idea and almost failing*

 *instead bursts into angry tears*
Other half: *doesn't notice* *comes in kitchen*  Why are you crying...?
Me: Go away, I've got it
Other half: I said I'd do it. Why are you crying???
Me: Please leave me alone
Other half: Stop.  Why...
Me: Of all the f**king things you could say to me, you say that?!!?!?
*chaos ensures* *confusion* *I was just jokings are said*
Other half: Well, that is something she would say

Me: I'm out...*has an anxiety attack in the bedroom*
*15 min later*
Other half: I'm going to check out that vehicle tomorrow
Me: *screaming in my head* Ya know what, whatever

I am very proud that I didn't throw anything because I REALLY WANTED TO.  I mean am I being too understanding...am I that hard to read...or is this just a case of "I want to do it, so I'm going to do it (or not do it), regardless of what MY SPOUSE says".  

P.S. We talked it out a little later and the vehicle is now off the table because "I don't want him to have it *rolling eyes*".  Still more to be discussed. We all have issues mine just all came to a head at one time.  Financial BS is the WORST, especially when only one of you seems to pay attention to the world outside of our little bubble.  3,000 people showed up to a New Costco where 300 jobs were being added.  THREE THOUSAND unemployed persons...most being overly highly qualified showed up to get jobs as cashiers and stockers (nothing wrong with those jobs, just pointing out how not normal that is).  Yes, lets buy unnecessary things right now, that's a great idea... 

**Take 3** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 3:

"Hey Cletus, you gonna kill that snake or what?!?"

Me: Lalala *cleaning my house*
Hubs: *comes flying in like he's being chased* Lookout the window!!!!
Me: Huh...why, is there a fight or accident or something?!?
Hubs: *frantically looking out the window.* No I saw a HUGE snake!  I think it was poisonous...

Me:  And you are in here telling me why?!?!  Go get the damn shovel and kill it!
Hubs:  I'm not going back out there!
Me: *thinking* Are you f**king kidding me?!?  *I said* Fine, I'll kill it
Hubs: Nooooo!!!!!!!! I'll get it.
Me: *raised eyebrow* oooookaaaaay....
Hubs: *30 minutes later* All geared up and armed with a shovel and the tree branch trimmer, heads out to do battle.
Me: You know, it's probably LOOOOONG gone by now....
Hubs: *evil stare*
Me: *Watching him through the window* I should video this....

He was 8 feet away from the garden and randomly poking things with the tree trimmer.  While I am cautious with ANY snake (look you never know), I am not scared of them.  So I went out to assist.  I got yelled at for getting to close to the garden...I was at least 5 feet away *le sigh*.  Apparently I didn't understand how HUGE this thing was.  So I stood there and threw things in the garden to see if I could lure it out of hiding.  TWO hours later and we still can't find the damn thing.  I gave up and went back inside.  I said "go buy some snake away crap and be done with it."

Me: *waiting for hubs to get home* OMG I am starving!
Hubs: *an hour later* I found it!!!
Me: Is it dead?
Hubs: Well, no but I know where it is
Me: *internal screaming* Okaaaay...well lets go investigate

By this point the sun has set, so we are hunting this thing by flash light...he is in jeans and cowboy boots...I am in shorts and flip flops (look how many f**ks I give).  It is hiding in the drain pipe in my garden.  I can see it plain as day poking out. I crept closer to get a better look.

Hubs: DON'T GET TOO CLOSE!
Me:  JFC, I am a good 5 feet away, it can't reach me (famous last words, right, haha)
Hubs: *leans in to saw its head off*
Me: That's not going to...oh look it went back in the drain *sigh*

I finally got a good look at it.

Me:  OMG it is NOT poisonous! 
Hubs:  How do you know?!?
Me: (FYI he's a former Eagle Scout) Seriously?!?!  Look at it. 1) it has a round head 2) its eyes are black and round 3) it is 100% not aggressive
Hubs: I dunno, I saw its tail...it looked venomous
Me: Fine, what's your plan?
*crickets*
*jeopardy theme playing*
*silence*
Me: Soooooo?
Hubs: We lure it out
Me:  It's not a f**king cat!  It won't come out for promises of food or cuddles!
Hubs: You have a better plan?
Me: Yes, we stick something in the pipe and make it come out.
Hubs: From the back?!?!
(The back is in the garden behind bushes)
Me: Well that would be ideal but I am not going back there *gestures are miniscule clothing*
Hubs: I am not going back there
Me: Fine, I'll push the pole in from the front and you wait at the edge and kill it when it backs out
Hubs: Okay...be careful
Me: *thinking* really, I have a 6ft pole... YOU be careful

So I shove the pole in and hubs literally stands there and goes "its coming out!!!"  Then he THROWS the shovel like a f**king javelin, misses by who knows how much and our little friend escapes into the underbrush.

Me: Really...really?!?!  That is how you planned to kill it?!?!  *mumbling* I knew I should have been the one over there *developing headache from lack of food*

I walked over to the garden to retrieve the shovel (I got fussed at again but I really didn't care anymore or think that thing stuck around).  "Okay, you go spread the snake away crap, I am going to go do...something...."

I googled what I saw "gray/brown, snake, white belly, round head, Louisiana".  I was given a few likely candidates a "Racer", "Texas Rat Snake" or "Yellow Bellied Water Snake" all nonvenomous, constrictor types, that feed off of RODENTS and bugs. I kinda want to keep it now...maybe it'll help with the issues from next door...

Racer (pic)

Texas Rat Snake (pic)

Yellow Bellied Water Snake (pic)

So yea, next time there is a snake, I will handle it.  Caution is one thing but if it WAS poisonous we need to kill it.  I hate doing that but I can't risk having another animal, one of us, or a neighborhood kid getting bit.  Losing track of something that dangerous is NOT an option.